If you don’t realize that the good old postal mail is in trouble and is dying a slow, agonizingly painful death, you don’t own a computer, aren’t entirely sure what a blog is and probably aren’t reading this anyway, so why am I talking to you?
For all of you who are still here, check out this hefty dose of sad and lame brought to you by the United States Postal Service.
Yes, that really is a commercial about how much the internet sucks and is dangerous so please please please stop all this online mucking about and trust the regular mail again because it would be really nice to not go out of business thanks to all your newfangled technology gadgets.
Yes Postal Service, my fridge has never been hacked. It also has never been a victim of identity theft thanks to ol’ Jimmy Stickyfingers in the sorting department or Slippery Johnny who makes his living by breaking into the public boxes and looking for the ones that look like cheques. It’s also never had to resend a package because the dude carrying the delivery bag decided to turn my purchases into his Christmas bonus. The internet isn’t perfect, but it comes pretty close most of the time. It also has the added benefit of being really, really fast. Not next day shipping fast, we’re talking next second delivery here. You just can’t compete with that, it’s impossible.
Not all is lost though, regular mail. We’ll still need you to bring us the heavy stuff that the internet can’t handle. It would be nice if you’d just be happy with that instead of trying to guilt us with these pathetic commercials. You look like the drunk ex in the corner of the bar telling everyone who’ll listen about how Tina doesn’t know what she’s missing out on and that she’ll be sorry when you make it big next year. Please, just stop.
Oh, and way to super-size the fail at the end there, post office. For more information about the benefits of mail, I’m to visit a website? You spend 30 seconds telling me how unsafe the internet is and then tell me to check out your homepage? Why do you even have a homepage? When the internet monsters hack it and take all the stuff out of your fridge, don’t come crying to me. and if you want me to learn more about how the mail can help me, why don’t you do what you supposedly do best and mail me some info? I’ll be waiting…and waiting…and waiting some more…if only there were a faster way.