To get you ready for Christmas, here are a few jokes that have nothing to do with Christmas. Thanks to everybody who sends these to me and to me for finding the ones you don’t send. I promise I’ll get better at posting these…for real this time.
*Just asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he’s had. Bizarrely, he started counting and fell asleep.
*When my wife was expecting our first child, a friend asked me what I hoped it would be. “Mine,” I said.
*A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had “disappeared”.
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?”
Wife, with a smile, blushing: “Yes I remember that, my love.”
Husband, “Well, I’m in the Pub next to that shop.”
*Went to a nice, local restaurant/bar with my girlfriend last night. But the regulars were shouting “pedophile!” and other terrible names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
*When I was a kid, I got a pocketknife for Christmas. I then used it to open up all my other gifts. Still a shame about the puppy…
*The job application I was filling out asked “have you ever been convicted of a crime?” followed by “explain why.” I wrote down “no” and “good lawyers”.
*My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
*A man comes into a bar…no wait, it was a horse. So, a man comes into a horse…