>This Won’t Be Good For The Bottom Line. Guaranteed.

>I just heard a stupid commercial on the radio. I know, crazy.

This one was plugging the new menu at Kelsey’s, a place I actually like and was just at a few weeks ago.

The add is mostly fine. A woman claiming to be a server at your neighbourhood Kelsey’s is raving about how they have this new menu with 16 new items on it. According to her they’re all really good, in case you were wondering. She highlights one or two of them in what I guess is supposed to be mouth watering detail, and then she gets into trouble.

“If you don’t love the food as much as we do, it’s on us. Guaranteed.”

I imagine there’s some hidden fine print at work here, but it would have to be mighty fine if it’s going to close a hole of this magnitude.

If you don’t love the food as much as we do…on who’s scale? Is there a recognized and certified universal bureau of love measurement of which I have not heard? If not, who gets to judge? It would be foolish as a customer to allow judging that favours the restaurant, and the same applies in reverse. So should a dispute over the love of breadsticks arise, can I expect a neutral arbitrator appointed by the government?

As much as we do. This would seem to imply that if I don’t like my meal, it’s free. It would seem to, but it doesn’t because that’s not what you said. You said as much as. So if I love it even more than you, is it still free? It should be. And what if my server sets the bar low? Sometimes you get an honest one who will tell you that a certain thing is just so so or not as good as usual this evening. If I order it and am unexpectedly impressed, that’s a free meal, yes?

Or what if I pretend I like something either more or less because I’m short on money but still want to eat out? You realize that you can’t argue with me, don’t you? I may know I’m pretending, but unless you hear me say so, you’re stuck with my bill.

You didn’t think this one out very well, Kelsey’s. I’ll try to visit again before you close down. Giving away all of those free meals can’t be good for business, so I’d better get on it.

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