I always say I need to post jokes more often, and now I’m going to try to start making myself do it. I’m going to save the ones that make me laugh and want to post them in a file, and every Friday or whatever other day happens to be better because that’s how things work around here, I’ll slap them up here for you all to enjoy/get angry at/hate me for.
Here’s batch one. thanks to everybody who tells and sends me these, and to a bunch of people on Twitter who aren’t telling them to me specifically. Feel free to send some in if you’ve got them. I’d type out the contact info but it’s all over the site, plus I’d really like a beer and am going to go get one instead of writing little bits of html to make your lives easier.
Enjoy, and feel free to tell any or all of these during your weekend outings…especially if you like having your head kicked in.
*Q: What has AIDS and flies?
*Premature ejaculator seeks fem… oh, never mind.
*Q: Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.
*A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chili.
“The guy next to you got the last bowl,” the waitress says.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
“Are you going to eat that,” he asks?
“No. Help yourself,” replies the second guy.
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse
in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
Seeing this, the second guy looks over and says…
“That’s about as far as I got, too.”
*Q: What do you call a man with a one-inch dick?
*My girlfriend used to smoke after sex… So we started using lubricant.
*Q: If an African farmer has 5 apples and his wife has 3, what do they have?
A: The whole village crowding around their house begging for food.
*I just saw a sign outside my house that said “We Are Digging This Road.” I thought to myself, “Thanks, I love it too.”
*I tried to deliver a baby the other day, but it died when I got its head stuck in the mailbox.
*A man goes to a bar in London for a couple of drinks. As he is sitting alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting
in a corner, alone and staring at him.
He gulps down a couple of shots and gathering courage, goes upto her and says, “Excuse me. I’m Jerry from Baker Street. Can I
sit here and buy you a drink?” The woman agrees and soon both of them are drinking away like good old friends.
At the end of the night, Jerry and the lady walk out of the bar together.
Again gathering courage and more than slightly drunk, he asks “Eschcuse me, can we have sex please?”
” Well I don’t mind, but you see, I’m on my menstrual cycle,” the lady says.
“No problem,” says Jerry. “You take your menstrual cycle and I’ll follow you in my Honda.”
*My wife left me speechless today. I hate looking after our mute son.
*Son: “Dad, are those buffaloes straight?”
Dad: “They’re bison.”
Son: “Well, it’s a free country.”
*My wife said the thing she likes most about me is my honesty. “Thanks fatty,” I replied.
*There’s nothing worse than a spoiled child. That reminds me, I really need to get this freezer fixed.
*Answer: “Hand me downs.”
Question: What is apparently not the nicest way to ask my wife to pass me our disabled baby?
*I hope I can get my money back for this oxygen mask. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
*A dress belonging to Amy Winehouse sold for £43,200 at auction. That sounds excessive, but you have to remember a lot of needlework went into it.
*I’ve got the worst sense of direction in the world…wherever that is.
*Q: What’s long, black and dangerous to cut into?
A: The line at KFC.
*I’ve been dating a homeless woman for a while now, and I think it’s getting serious. She’s asked me to move out with her.
*Steven Hawking has released a new book. It’s called Up the stairs in 80 days.
*My parents always told me war is never the answer. I can’t count how many history exams I’ve failed thanks to them.
*When I was growing up, I had everything handed to me on a plate. Let me tell you, soup was a nightmare.
*An aged 007 with Parkinson’s walks into a bar. The bartender says “Let me guess, just a normal Martini?”
*Somebody asked me my opinion on wind turbines. “I’m a big fan,” I told him.
*I saw a headline that read “Woman beats off rapist.” That seems like a reasonable compromise.
*Fred and Larry get married in California.
They can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, ‘No’.
Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
She replies, ‘No.’
Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school!’
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Larry up yet?’
His mom says, ‘No.’
He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘OK, fine, tell me what you think.’
He says: ‘Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’