It’s another Friday, and I feel like clearing out a bit more of my insanely huge joke backlog. Here are some to get you started. There will probably be more. You’ve been warned.
*A guy walks into a bar and sees his friend, head hanging down, nursing a drink. Naturally he walks over and asks “What’s Wrong?”
“I’m in deep shit,” his friend replies. “This morning the police arrested me for pissing in the shower.”
The first guy says, “That’s kind of gross, but there’s no law against that.”
“I didn’t think it was a big deal either,” his friend answers. “But those people at Home Depot are being real shitheads about it.”
*Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.
*Q: Why can’t Helen Keller talk?
A: She’s dead.
*As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects, she pointed to the dining room and said with great satisfaction, “That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth.”
“Oh, that’s nothing,” the maid interjected. “My whole livingroom set goes back to Sears the fifteenth.”
*Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden …POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
“I’m Mother Nature, she exclaimed! “Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend.
“Fred, where are you?”
“I’m over here in the pussy willows,” Fred yelled back.
Panicked, Harry hollered back as loud as he could……
“DON’T SWING FRED!!! DON’T SWING!!!!!”