*Q: Why doesn’t god like cheesecake?
A: Because he doesn’t exist.
*The other day, I bumped into a friend I’d not seen in ages.
“Are you still seeing that girl Helen,” I asked?
“Nah,” he replied. “It’s a sad story. She bled to death from gonorrhea.”
“You don’t bleed to death from gonorrhea,” I said.
“You do if you give it to me.”
*I’m currently in the hospital with head trauma. My girlfriend sneezed while giving me a blowjob.
*A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“Alright children, let’s try another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold and all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”
*My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood.
“How convenient,” she said. “I can walk to it!”
–The last entry in Anne Frank’s Diary.
*When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, “Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please.”
When I became a young man, however, I learned the sad truth was that I could not please any of them.
*a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar. He orders a drink.
*A Swiss fellow, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language….”
“Why,” says the other. “That bloke knew four of them and it didn’t do him any good.”
*If dentists make their money by looking after our unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste 4/5 of them recommend?
*Sometimes there’s no nicer feeling than pissing into a bottle. But other times I really hate my job at Coors.
*”I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records… at least that’s what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out.”
*A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
“Nah,” the blind guy says. “Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
*My son started choking on a piece of Lego this morning.
“Pat him on the back!” screamed my wife.
“Well done son,” I said. “Well done.”
*I want my money back. I went to the air and space museum and there was nothing in it.
*The pretty young sex education teacher handed out the final test papers.
Tom got a D, Dick got a D-, and Harry got an F.
The three got together after class to complain about their low grades.
“That bitch!” said Tom. “I can’t believe she gave me a D!”
“We should get even with her,” said Dick. “Let’s grab her after school.”
“Yeah!” said Harry. “…and kick her in the nuts!”