That’s Not Why They Call Them Jackasses, Sir

In spite of what some of you may think of a few of my grade school dating choices, I’ve never been caught having sex with a donkey. But if I were, I’d be doing my best to keep a really low profile and make sure that as few people as possible found out. but that’s what separates people like you and I from folks like Carlos R. Romero.

Not only is he pissed at the authorities for taking his $500 miniature donkey away from him, he’s vowing to get her back. Oh, and he’s convinced the police nabbed the wrong guy when they took him in. The one they should have arrested is the owner of the farm he worked for, because that pervert is a peeping tom who invaded his privacy when he reportedly caught Romero in the act.

Romero, 31, said he believes authorities placed him in protective custody in a ploy to keep him away from Doodle, and he vowed Tuesday to get her back.

Yes, the donkey’s name is Doodle. Why wouldn’t it be something like that?

Romero’s arrest comes a week after the farm’s proprietor, Gerald Joseph James, told Marion County Sheriff’s Office that he saw Romero having sex with Doodle in his room the night of Aug. 15. Deputies interviewed Romero last Friday, and he reportedly described having intimate contact with the donkey, but not intercourse.

Well then, that makes it all ok. I’m glad you drew this distinction, sir.

He said he has always felt an attraction toward animals, especially horses, because people have been known to “stab you in the back, give you diseases, lie to you” and are “promiscuous.”

Animals, he said, “are usually there for you” and “do not seek other pleasures.” Their feelings are “100 percent honest,” he added.

He admitted that he has had sex with horses many times since he was 18 and likes their “feminine shape, behavior and raw power.” He denied doing anything sexual to the donkey “because she’s blooming into maturity” but said he eventually would have.

Wait wait wait, what happened to intimate contact? That sounds kinda sexual to me. But it’s cute that this fellow is pretending to have morals and values.

Whatever the case, Romero says he’s going to be posting bond and getting Doodle back as soon as he can. I, meanwhile, am going to stop thinking about this story before I throw up the chicken I just ate. And don’t you go twisting what I just said into anything it’s not, you sons of bitches.

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