We’ve just blown past the middle of March, but lists of things from 2012 are still relevant. This is partially because I say so and as one half of the people with the passwords I get to make decisions like that, and partially because as somebody recovering from a cold or something that laid complete waste to him yesterday, I need easy material to get me back into the swing of things. And when it comes to easy material, there’s not much better than the most unusual baby names of 2012.
According to BabyCenter.com, who’s data we’ve discussed before, these are names forced upon at least two children last year. Some of them are just silly sounding crap that nobody will ever be able to pronounce or spell correctly, but there are some truly horrible and mean-spirited handles here. Let’s take a look at a few that catch my eye as I go down the list.
Ace: Yes, Ace. As somebody’s real name. And worse yet, that somebody is a girl. Ace is the kind of thing you call a little kid as a nickname, and usually that kid is a guy kid. “Hey Ace, wanna go fishin’?” “Good game, Ace.” That sort of thing. It’s like Fella or Kiddo or Boss. You throw it out there, but don’t expect your little friend to be stuck signing her cheques with it for the next 92 years.
Admire: No. Just…no. When I hear Admire, I’m thinking ok, this is a guy named Jeff who dresses up as a girl for a living and dances for guys who may or may not know that.
Americus: Sounds like a failed super hero. And how tired is she going to get of hearing “Americus, fuck yeah!” everywhere she goes? People will still remember Team America in a few years, won’t they?
Inny: But what if she has an outy? Will she be legally obliged to change her name?
Queenie: queenie is a dog. Queenie is not a baby. Unless you’re expecting an ugly kid, you’re just flat being an asshole right now.
Sanity: I hope this kid grows up to be a complete nutcase.
Sesame: Asking for directions to her house will be fun, at least until the 11000th wisenheimer beats the joke into the ground once too often. and it’s nice that mom and dad have given all of her future dates an easy way to ask her to put out.
Thinn: Yes, there are two N’s, but still. That’s not a lot of pressure to put on somebody. NO, not at all.
Ball: “You and your brother Sack go play outside.”
Burger: Maybe one day he’ll hook up with Thinn and nobody will know quite what to do.
Cajun: I’m starting to think that a lot of people name their kids when they’re hungry.
Casanova: I wonder which definition they’ll end up with.
Cello: Ball, Cello…we’re now taking inspiration from stuff we find around the house.
Donathan: that sounds like a ghirl’s name, or is it just me?
Drifter: I haven’t hit the H’s yet, but Hobo had better be there.
Elite: His parents clearly expect more out of him than Drifter’s mom and dad. Oh, and they can also fuck off.
Four: A handy name for a year, but after that, why?
Goodluck: with a stupid name like that, you’re gonna need it.
Google: “Mommy, what does my name mean?” “I don’t have time to explain it right now. Go yourself it, son.”
Haven’T: “Just in case this name isn’t ridiculous enough, maybe we should capitalize the T after the fucking apostrophe.”
Hippo: Instead of going over everything wrong with this, I’m going to save time by listing the things that aren’t. Done.
Popeye: When I was little, I tried to talk my mom into naming what turned out to be Brother Brad Alf, after the alien. That doesn’t seem nearly as silly now.
Savior: Worst name on the list by miles and miles, aside from Hippo. I know you want your son to feel special, but this is going way too far.
Turbo: Somebody grew up liking American Gladiators a little too much, I think. Either that or young Turbo is part of triplets with Thunder and Tron, who also made the list.
that took longer than I thought, and I even left a few out. Neon and Legacy, for example. Those were both on the boy side, for your information.
Pretty safe to say that boys have it quite a bit worse than girls in the name department nowadays. but considering that girls get periods and that small human beings with hopefully nicer names than these come out of them, I think we can shoulder this burden as long as mom and dad are willing to help foot the bill for the therapy.