Putting The Family In Family Dollar

Delaina Garling was banned from a Family Dollar store for shoplifting, but like any good criminal looking to set an example for future generations, she went back there anyway, and brought her 7-year-olds along.

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that she was quickly recognized by an employee and asked to leave. You also won’t be surprised to discover that this request was not met with hugs and positivity all around.

Garling pulled a can of pepper spray out of her purse and sprayed it at the employees who were showing her to the exit. When she was wrestled to the ground, Garling allegedly tossed the can to her 7-year-old daughter. “You know what to do, baby,” she supposedly said. “Spray it!” The girl did not, and her mother was swiftly arrested.

When asked for comment on the case, Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood said that “She deserves to have kids like the man in the moon deserves to have kids,”

What did the man in the moon ever do to you, sir? I read a lot of crime reports and I’ve never known him to be a troublemaker. And even if he is, I’m sure he’s been around long enough to come up with something better than knocking off a dollar store. In fact I’ve got it on good authority that he’s too busy sailin’ on to glory to engage in such silliness.

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