Since there’s a better than good chance that in the next couple of years I’m going to be a fairly big part of a couple of weddings, I’m glad I saw this. How To Give A Best Man Toast That Doesn’t Suck
It says best man, but since pretty much every wedding speech in the history of the planet is nearly identical, these are good ground rules no matter how important you are to the day.
1. “Thank you so much to (bride’s family for paying for the wedding, unless the bride’s dad was like, “Fuck that. I’m not paying for a whole wedding”).”
2. “I can’t believe we’re here today, because when I was 6 years old, my brother (pissed on my head/beat a pigeon to death with a rock/stole all the gym teacher’s whistles).” One anecdote is all you get. I don’t need the entire story of your friendship. This isn’t A Separate Peace.
3. “BUT I LOVE HIM.”
4. “And now he’s marrying (bride’s name). I haven’t spent much time with (bride’s name), but I can tell just from that short amount of time that she is PERFECT for (your brother’s name). I can’t believe he got so lucky because he (picks his nose/farts on dogs/has cum stains in his Jeep).”
5. “MAZEL TOV.”
All of that should take you 3 minutes or less, according to the experts.
Hey…wait a sec! there’s a passing mention of groomsman speeches in here. That was my job at the last wedding I was in, and I didn’t get to say anything. Is there something I should know, Dennis? And yes, I’d known you for 20 years and there’s no way I’m letting you near a microphone is a perfectly legitimate answer. I’d probably give that answer to myself, were I you.