*I added Princess Diana on Xbox Live. She never plays anything though, she just stays on the dashboard.
*My son gets erections in the most unfortunate places. Mainly in his mouth and arse.
*Two black men were walking along a road in Los Angeles when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken LA cop. One of them was thrown through the windshield and the other was knocked down an embankment.
The first was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
*The highlight of my trip to the zoo was seeing an antelope. I’d never seen an insect get married before.
*Q: What’s the difference between David Cameron and Jimmy Savile?
A: Cameron is still shafting the vulnerable and disabled.
*Dewey was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said,
“You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French.”
Dewey ran into class all excited one day, saying, “Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!”
“Great!” said the teacher; “what were they saying?”
“I don’t know,” Dewey replied; “I couldn’t understand a word.”
*Why is it when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys she’s a slut, but when a guy does it, he’s all of a sudden gay?
*Haloween costume idea: Stick 3 dicks in your mouth and go as your mom.
*Q: What’s the best part of sex with a transvestite?
A: Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
*The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, “We had twins!”
The family was so excited! They immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”
With a confused look the father said, “Each other!”
*On Halloween I’m going to call every single person I see a cunt, especially the ones I don’t even know. I’m going as the internet.
*Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member? He went around killing gingers.
*My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that ‘help’ you get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I’m still looking for a place to live.
*Is it ‘blow job’, ‘blow-job’ or ‘blowjob’? Man, I hate writing thank-you letters to Grandma.
*At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.
“Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn’t even hold me or the kids,” Suzie continued. “Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil’s scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place.”
Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.
“Today,” Suzie announced in a quivering voice, “Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital.
His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, “I’m Phil.” The entire assembly held its collective breath. “I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”