Watch As I Ruin A Perfectly Fine Onion Article By Relating It To WWE’s Awfulness

I feel like this Onion story is probably pretty close to what it must be like to work for WWE. CEO Has Special Knack For Recognizing Great Ideas And Ruining Them

BALTIMORE—Employees at local technology firm Halverson Enterprises remarked to reporters Monday that CEO Peter Weathers, 61, has an extraordinary gift for discovering great ideas and then swiftly running them into the ground with his horrible modifications. “He’s just incredible at picking out the best proposal, watering it down, putting the wrong person in charge of it, and then abandoning the whole thing once it’s clear that he’s created a complete fucking train wreck…

Sources also confirmed that Weathers has an undeniable flair for blaming someone else after the plans he had butchered inevitably failed.

Pretty much nails the last 13 years or so of Vince McMahon and family, doesn’t it?

The WCW/ECW invasion of 2001 that they could have gotten years of mileage and dream matches out of? Dead in 5 months because they didn’t want to spend the money bringing in the biggest names, never mind that people still watched wrestling at that point and they’d have made anything they spent back and then some. Oh, and we can’t have outside guys looking stronger than home grown WWE superstars, so let’s make sure we don’t give anyone the idea that they can beat any of our guys at any time.

Bringing in former real life business enemy Eric Bischoff and making him the storyline ruler of your most important show? Surely there was something there, but it was ruined before it even started when Vince hugged him in the ring like they were old buddies.

the Raw and Smackdown brand split? Could’ve been super awesome had they not decided that only one side could be entertaining and worthwhile at a time. Oh, and having 1 company world champion as the only person on both shows and keeping each side separate except at important shows like the Royal Rumble and Wrestlemania would have been a good idea too, instead of giving Triple H a second world title for no good reason, then rendering which side everyone else was on pointless by letting them jump shows at will. Now the whole thing’s just a confusing mess, pretty much dead until it now and then isn’t for some reason.

Rey Mysterio’s big 2006 title run? He’s too small. Nobody will ever believe that he’s able to beat all these big guys. So what if the fans are cheering him like crazy and the Latin market is through the roof. Fans are stupid. Let’s beat him every week.

C.M. Punk winning the WWE title and then leaving with it because he didn’t sign his new contract? Surely they dragged that out for months. They let Punk take that belt everywhere, no doubt. And while he was doing that, they were making a new company champion for him to face upon his return. Nope. Whole thing was dead in a week, 2 if we’re being generous. Rey Muysterio won the tournament, and then lost in the same night to John Cena because lol at Mysterio as champ, am I right? Oh, and then Punk just came back right away.

Zack Ryder’s self-made creativity and success? Fuck that guy. We didn’t come up with what he’s doing, so it’s useless and no good. Let’s bury him deep beneath the earth. He’s lucky we don’t fire him. God, fans are stupid. Stop cheering him! He sucks!

I know I’m missing a lot of things here, but honestly it’s starting to depress me. Let us now return to focusing on the cleverness of the Onion, rather than continuing to wonder why in hell we’re still watching WWE. And when I say we, I mean me. the rest of you have given up, because you are smart.

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