The British: As Bad At Naming Children As The Rest Of You

You can tell it’s the start of a new year when the check out the stupid ass names that got inflicted on children articles start coming out.

Today, we’re traveling to the United Kingdom, where the Bounty Parenting Club has compiled various lists and statistics on this year’s child abuse…sorry, baby naming trends among British parents.

Boys Most Unusual Names 2013

1. Tiger
2. Victory
3. Tucker

Is Tucker really that unusual? It’s a dumb name, but I feel like there are Tuckers floating around everywhere, at least in my part of the world. Is the fruitiness just now getting across the ocean?

4. Tory

That’s a girl’s name on a boy, something that happens here all the time. Is that another new deal for the English?

5. Prosper
6. Porter
7. Perseus
8. Luck

Which is exactly what you’ll need to make it through life unharmed and without a drinking problem thanks to some of these handles.

9. Kassius
10. London
11. Lohan

Yes, as in Lindsay.

12. Geordie
13. Gerrard
14. Dallas
15. Dior
16. Boden
17. Denley
18. Bramwell
19. Denton
20. Drey

Girls Most Unusual Names 2013

1. Zelie
2. Tea

When you’re down to naming your daughter after the contents of the cup you’re staring into, just let somebody else do it. I hope young Tea kicks her father in the bag for agreeing to this.

3. Rosielee

This one, so the story tells me, is a Cockney rhyming slang term meaning cup of tea. In other words, somebody had twins.

4. Vogue

Like the Magazine or the Madonna song that’s now unfortunately stuck in my head. Hang on a second. Ahh, there we go.

That’s…better?

Moving right along…

5. Summer-ray
6. Sunny
7. Tru
8. Sorrel
9. Pinky

Gee Brain, what are we gonna do tonight?

No. Just…no.

10. Ream
11. Pheonix
12. Olympia
13. Nolly
14. Orchid
15. Puppy

Remember what I said about child abuse?

16. Purdy
17. Pepsi

On second thought, maybe Tea isn’t so bad.

18. Paradise
19. Peppa

That’s a cartoon pig, people! Say hi to puppy when you get to therapy.

20. Nirvana

Yes, that Nirvana.

I’ll leave you with that as an apology of sorts for the Madonna thing.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be making a few calls to Children’s Aid.

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