Is This A Game Of Mad Libs Or A News Report?

If there’s a single thing about this story that isn’t just straight up weird, I can’t find it.

Let’s start with the headline: Screaming man found with dead raccoon in Mukilteo Right away, it’s pretty clear we’ve got a winner on our hands.

And we do, as it just gets better from there. Seriously, if I got paid honest to god cash money by an honest to god journalistic organization to write a story that included a dead raccoon, a leash, marshmallows, the term haz mat and a bus, I may never be able to enjoy another thing in this life, because where is there to go but down from that point?

Someone called 911 on Thursday to report the man screaming, according to the Mukilteo police blotter.

Officers found the man walking, dragging the dead raccoon on a leash.

When they approached the man, he placed marshmallows around the animal and declared it a “haz mat” or hazardous materials zone.

The raccoon was taken away for disposal, while the man was last seen getting on a bus. You know, as if this sort of thing happens all the time.

I wish there were more details to report, but in a way I’m glad there aren’t because I’m honestly a little speechless right now.

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