A female witness told officers that Hans “had come onto her lawn and was ‘humping’ the lawn chairs,” according to a Seattle Police Department report. The woman added that she and her two children–ages 15 and 11–watched Hans’s late-afternoon performance from a window in their home.
After grinding on the lawn chairs, Hans allegedly “exposed her vagina,” and then “smacked” her genitals “with her hand multiple times.” Additionally, the witnesses reported that Hans relieved herself on the lawn and “bent over and exposed her bottom.”
To the surprise of hopefully no one, police reported that Sila Hans was “extremely intoxicated” and “displaying erratic behavior” when confronted. She was also clearly out to seduce the chairs, as she arrived on the scene wearing a short dress and no underwear.
She was arrested and charged with a single count of indecent exposure. I’d have thrown in a destruction of property while I was at it, since there’s no way anybody’s going to want to sit in those seats ever again.