I’ll Have A Large Trouble Trouble, Extra Cream

Listen up, fellas. I’m gonna say this one more time. It probably won’t be the last time mind you, but a guy can dream.

No matter how much you like the girl and want nothing more in this world than for her to just like you back, there are much, and I really do mean much better ways of telling her so than giving her a little extra cream in her coffee.

According to the criminal complaint, an employee at Beisswenger’s hardware store in New Brighton called police on Aug. 26., saying she thought Lind, her co-worker, was leaving bodily fluids on her desk.

She told officers that she found Lind that afternoon standing in front of her desk, his back turned to her and his hands near his crotch. The worker wasn’t sure what Lind was doing, but she told police he had a “deer in the headlights” expression on his face when he noticed her behind him.

Lind then quickly left the room and slammed the door behind him, the worker said. Seconds later, Lind came back, told the worker he had a question for her but forgot it. He then left the area.

The worker told police she inspected her desk and found fluid on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy.

The worker told police that she’d had problems with Lind for months. He’d allegedly leave his zipper down often. It happened so much that the worker said she threatened to report Lind if it happened again.

Under police questioning, John R. Lind admitted to the August 26th incident, also mentioning that it happened to be his birthday. Perhaps he thought there was a get one free discount like they sometimes give you at restaurants, who knows? He also confessed to brewing her a special cup of Joe (I guess it would be John in this case) twice in the last 6 months and leaving similar presents on her desk 4 times, presents that he claimed to have wiped up with the aforementioned hair scrunchy.

When asked why he did it, Lind gave the classic answer. Yes, I was attracted to her and wanted her to notice me is in fact a classic answer because yes, we have covered this sort of thing before. Lind did offer, however, that he knew that what he was doing was “gross and wrong.”

The worker, meanwhile, told police that she had a feeling there was more to the story than twice in half a year, stating that her coffee had tasted funny on several occasions but that she thought it was the fault of spoiled cream. Well…

Lind is charged with 2 counts of criminal sexual conduct. If convicted, he could spend a year in prison, be ordered to pay a $4500 fine or both.

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