Ride A Horse, Catch A Pervert

Update: In January 2015, Johnson plead no contest to charges of misdemeanor indecent exposure and criminal mischief. He was sentenced to a year’s probation and ordered to pay fines and costs totaling around $700. He was also ordered to stay away from Walmart. Obtaining stuffed horses elsewhere, however, is presumably a ok so long as he pays for them first.

Original post: 19-year-old Sean Johnson (of course he’d have a name like that) was arrested outside of a Florida Walmart last month after police say he was caught…er…playing with the toys.

From the police report, spelling mistakes and all:

Officers of the Brooksville Police Department Patrol Divisiion responded to Walmart in reference to an indecent exposure complaint. Store Loss Prevention observed JOHNSON acting suspiciously by constantly looking around. They observed him select a stuffed horse toy and go to the bedding department. JOHNSON was then observed masturbate (sic) using the stuffed animal. He then put the toy that was now covered in ejaculate back on the shelf with other items. As a result the items were contaminated and unsellable.

He was charged with indecent exposure and was allowed to ride off into the sunset after posting $1500 bond.

If you need them, police have released pictures of the horse. They’re here, as is this:

We’ve also learned a few more details about Johnson’s afternoon of passion. A report from a Brooksville, Fla., police officer, for instance, contains the tidbit that Johnson utilized “short fast movements” to bring himself to fruition, and that his ejaculate ended up mostly on the stuffed animal’s “chest areaa.”

“Yeah baby, I’m gonna bring myself to fruition on your chest area!” may just be the least romantic sentence I’ve ever come up with. One of you should try it out if you get the chance.

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