Gummy Chicks, He Wants All Their Teeth To Hit The Bricks. He May Even Pull Out 5 Or 6, He Likes His Gummy Chicks

I’m not going to question Philip Lyle Hansen’s fetish. Everyone likes what they like and if large, toothless females or “fat, gummy women” as he apparently likes to phrase it are his thing, who am I to judge? But I’ll tell you what I am going to question. Just how in the name of the sweet baby Jesus do you manage to pull out 6 of somebody’s teeth while you’re having sex with that person in the back seat of a car?

He must be some kind of ninja dentist, a well respected surgeon who has plied his craft in disaster areas and war zones the world over in less than ideal conditions. We don’t know when or how his life took such a bizarre and tragic turn, but it’s sad that such a hero has fallen from grace.

That’s what we all want to think, because seriously, a vehicular multiple sextraction? That’s some totally Gumby level shit right there and he should probably be rich and famous or at least have some trophies for it.

But in reality, he’s much less ninja dentist than he is that annoying friend we all have. You know, the one who meets some guy who’s personality she totally hates but is all like “I can change him” because she thinks he’s hot? But where she uses various combinations of understanding, enabling and nagging, Hansen used pliers, screwdrivers and rags. In fact he’s so not a ninja dentist that he’s not even a regular dentist. He’s just a guy who Googles dentistry a lot, seems to be handy with tools and wants to save a few lucky ladies a couple bucks on dental bills. That last one might actually be kind of laudable if literally everything else going on here wasn’t so completely batshit.

When she passed this my way, Michelle was sure to point out this bit of testimony from the trial.

On Thursday a third woman testified at his Wellington district court trial about her relationship with Hansen. The woman – who cannot be named for legal reasons – said she had met Hansen online in 2009.
Their relationship developed quickly and Hansen told her he wanted to marry her, the woman said. During one conversation the topic of her teeth came up.
“He asked me if I had false teeth,” she told the court.
“I said, ‘Yes, was that a problem?’ ”
The woman said Hansen reassured her that it was not.
“He said he liked gummy women and that he’d rather I didn’t have teeth, that I was far more beautiful without them,” she said.
The woman was relieved at the time because she had trouble keeping her dentures in her mouth and preferred eating without them.

What I can’t figure out is where things went wrong in this relationship. We need some additional reporting here because this sounds like a match made in heaven. Nutcake heaven perhaps, but who’s to say what heaven is?

As for that trial I mentioned, Hansen was convicted of 6 of the 10 charges he faced and is set to be pulled out of society for a while by the long arm of the law on June 19th.

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