He Won’t Be Winning Burglar Of The Month

I understand being proud of having been named salesperson of the month down at the Mazda dealership. It feels good to be recognized for working hard at something and ultimately succeeding. Were it me, I might even carry around whatever sort of trophy they gave me for a little while so I could show it off to a few people who might also be proud of me.

But let me tell you what I wouldn’t do. First of all, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house. that, I hope, goes without saying. But if for some reason I found myself doing so, I absolutely would not drop my salesperson of the month award in my victim’s yard as I ran away. Why? Well, because who the hell carries something like that to a burglary, for a start. And perhaps more importantly, who lugs one of those things around with him for 5 months? How do I know it had been that long? That would be because when the police found it, they called the dealership and learned that their salesman hadn’t been eligible to win recently since he hadn’t worked there since January, and it was now June. So he’d probably had it with him even longer than that, but 5 months is as close to certain as we can get without inquiring as to when he won it, which I must admit I’m tempted to do.

According to charges filed Thursday in Pierce County Superior Court, a Lakewood resident was asleep at home around 8:50 a.m. when a man tapped her on the shoulder, waking her up.

The man walked out, and the victim got out of bed to find her front door had been forced open and her purse and a box of coins had been taken, according to the charging documents.

Fortunately for the victim, the intruder made one small mistake: leaving behind a South Tacoma Mazda Salesperson of the Month award with the name Alfred J. Shropshire III on it, which officers found in the victim’s yard.

Time to add one more item to the list of things I wouldn’t do, because I’d have to be some kind of idiot to tap a sleeping person on the shoulder as I’m walking off with her shit. The kind that would drop his salesperson of the month award at the scene, perhaps.

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