Beat Off In The Coffee While You Still Can, Guys

There’s an update to a story we brought you last year.

John Lind, the fellow who professed his love for a woman by repeatedly firing his non-dairy cannon into her coffee, had his charges dismissed because while totally fucking disgusting, what he did isn’t technically against the law…yet. The State is working on closing that loophole as we speak though, so hopefully his brush with the law and everything on that poor girl’s desk was enough for him to learn his lesson and just write a letter like everybody else next time.

A Blaine man was initially charged with two gross misdemeanor counts, one of fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct and one of attempted fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct, after an Aug. 26 incident in which he allegedly put his semen into a co-worker’s coffee.
The charges were dismissed in November by a Ramsey County judge, who said the crime required nonconsensual touching of the victim’s intimate parts.
Under the bill, sponsored by Rep. Debra Hilstrom, a prosecutor from Brooklyn Center and Sen. John Hoffman of Champlin, placing bodily fluids in a substance intended for human consumption would be a misdemeanor.
It would become a felony if someone ingests it without knowledge of the adulteration, with escalating penalties if it’s done for sexual gratification or if the victim is a child.
The bill passed Wednesday in the House Public Safety committee and heads next to the House floor.

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