This Bar Rocks

And now, your don’t even bother trying to figure this one out story of the day. Thank you, Florida.

Cops in Tallahassee, Florida say that on Wednesday, Jared Simpson, 24, visited the 4th Quarter Bar & Grill and rung up a $10 tab. When it came time to pay up, Simpson allegedly tried to get the bartender to accept a rock as payment.
When the woman decided that a stone wasn’t legal tender, Simpson responded by throwing a ripped-up dollar bill at her and saying he “would pay [her] in other ways,” according to the probable cause affidavit.

One witness said Simpson told people he was “shot up in the war,” but would not reveal the military branch he served in because “if I tell you I have to kill you,” according to Tallahassee.com.
Simpson left the bar and came back a short time later with a credit card that didn’t work, so the employee told him to pay up or leave.
Simpson left again, but came back again, this time in a gray suit and carrying a briefcase that he set down.
After warning that “anyone who goes near this will die,” Simpson allegedly ran out of the bar and across the street.

The running out of the bar part is interesting, since depending on the account you read he originally came into the bar hobbling on crutches, but did not run out with them.

The bar was evacuated and police and the bomb squad were called.

When police caught up with Simpson, he told them that the briefcase contained “maybe a bomb or a baby,” sang a song about being some sort of “rainbow man” and then did what I suppose is the crazy man’s version of lawyering up, informing the officers that “I am my own master, I answer to myself, no police have the right to ask questions.” He also may or may not have done a few handstands while he was at it, which again depends on the story you read.

He was charged with making false bomb threats, petty theft and disorderly conduct. He was not, to my legitimate shock, charged with being under the influence of something. His bond was set at $30500,and he was also ordered to undergo a psychiatric assessment before being allowed to bail out. Good call, that.

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