Department Of Masturbating Vigorously

And now, your semi-regular reminder to stay off the drugs.

Responding to 911 calls about a pair of “white males running around the lot taking off their clothes,” Warren City Police Department cops Friday morning encountered Timothy Cook, 32, who reportedly had been “growling and punching the cement.”
Cook, a witness told officers, had entered a state motor vehicles office and began waving his arms around. He then exited the building and “began masturbating on the sidewalk,” according to a police report.
When a cop subsequently approached Cook, the suspect was sweating profusely and “acting like a gorilla.” Cook, an officer noted, was “squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop and jumping up and down screaming noncoherently.”

Shockingly, they were able to both detain and get him into an ambulance without incident. He was treated for an overdose, but what he may have been on wasn’t noted so all we know is that we don’t want any, thanks. He’s since been charged with one count of disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Yes, that’s all.

The man with him was identified as Osmond LeMasters, which is a funny last name if you’ve been paying attention. He too was charged with a single count of disorderly conduct while intoxicated, but didn’t appear to need any sort of medical treatment.

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  1. Is it bad that every time you write a story like this, Alex and I like to play guess the substance? This time we’re betting its either Bath Salts or PCP or some variation. None of these sound like any fun though so why people do them is beyond me but whatevs.

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