Baby You Can Drive Into My Car

I could sit here and list each individual thing that went wrong here, but to save us all some time, let’s just say that all of them did and leave it at that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux7Qg6x-wKA An officer was checking a reported disturbance on Wednesday when he heard brakes squeal and an SUV slam into the patrol …

Don’t Get Sucked Into The Virtual Life

Damn it, I’ve been ruined. Every time I go to look at my Facebook or Twitter on my phone, strains of a certain song begin to play. It’s a parody of “Circle of Life” from the Lion King. I can’t make out all the lyrics, but I’m going to write out as many as I …

In Spite Of Its Best Efforts, We’re Now Using DLVR.it

Twitterfeed, the service we’ve been using mostly reliably to tweet our new posts to the world since 2010, is shutting down tomorrow. If you’re a webmaster and you didn’t know that, you might want to get on finding a replacement soon. Sorry for fucking up your Sunday. I’ve known for a while, but hadn’t gotten …

If Ya Can’t Beat ‘Em, Think Things Halfway Through And Join ‘Em

An Iowa woman was arrested Thursday after it was discovered that she may have gone to two separate polling stations and cast a vote for Donald Trump at each one. Why? Because the polls are rigged, silly. A Des Moines woman has been charged with Election Misconduct, a Class D felony, after allegedly voting twice …

No, Elizabeth Wettlaufer Is Not Related To Steve

Since several people have asked me and my brother and sister say they’ve been getting the same question, I thought maybe I should put this out there. As far as we know, we are not related to Elizabeth Tracey Mae Wettlaufer, the nurse accused of murdering eight nursing home patients in Woodstock and London. I …

He’s Out Of His Tree, Yet Very Much In It

If you’re going to study traffic patterns or perform some art or whatever else it is you might do while you block the road in the middle of downtown dressed up like a tree, Asher Woodworth is a pretty convenient real name to be sporting while you do it. This tree blocked traffic on Congress …

Snitches Get Stitches, But Attention Gets Detention

“Due to snitches, everyone entering my home is subject to being searched. All cell phones and drinks will be left outside. If you’re not a snitch, it won’t offend you if I search you.” You will be shocked, shocked I say to learn that upon seeing a sign bearing those words on the door of …

Keep Your Promises, And These Pumpkin Seeds

A woman in Hamilton is being questioned by the RCMP and could potentially be facing charges after engaging in a 1-sided food feud with Justin Trudeau. A woman who threw pumpkin seeds at Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Hamilton today is being questioned by the RCMP. Trudeau was leaving city hall after meeting with the …