Not much to say before we get into the wrestling aside from I hope you all celebrated Carin’s birthday yesterday with vast quantities of merriment and that this winter is pretty weird. Most of January felt like a slightly cooler version of spring and this weekend, which is right around mid February, they’re calling for temperatures pushing the double digits. Yes, above zero. That’s not normal. I’ll take it, but I’ll also reserve the right to punch anyone who still wants to tell me in all sincerity that our climate isn’t changing even a little right square in a location to be determined.
1. Randy Orton winning the Royal Rumble was the wrong call.
At the time, I was disappointed. Orton winning was a flat ending that left me with the feeling that I’d just spent the better part of 6 hours not seeing anything new yet again, a feeling not helped by John Cena beating AJ Styles for the Smackdown title earlier in the evening. Not only did those two matches represent yet another example of the future getting set aside for the sake of the same shit I’ve been watching for like 13 years, but it also raised the possibility that we’d be getting Orton Vs. Cena yet a-fucking-gain. Honest to god, if that match never takes place again in my lifetime it still won’t have been gone long enough. But the more I think about things, I don’t think that’s where this is headed. The story they’ve been telling is all about Orton joining the Wyatt Family after being unable to beat Bray and the trouble it’s caused. The Elimination Chamber this weekend is a good excuse to get the belt off of Cena and onto Bray Wyatt. After that, the road to Wrestlemania for them kind of writes itself. So when I look at things that way Orton winning makes sense and really doesn’t bother me, but if all of this ends with Orton beating Bray at Mania or worse yet none of this happens and we get Cena match 12836 I might have to hurt things.
2. The Smackdown women will get an Elimination Chamber match at the Elimination Chamber PPV.
Unless they announced something on the Smackdown I haven’t seen yet, no. And that’s for the best. The entire women’s division consists of what, seven people? So putting 6 of them in a Chamber Match would be kind of silly. What’s more, I’m not a fan of doing things just for the sake of doing things. That’s why Hell in a Cell being an annual event has always bothered me. The Chamber being an annual event is fine if the world title is going to be defended in it every time, but Hell in a Cell just happens because hey, it’s October and we booked an arena. They’re doing a nice job establishing the women’s division on Smackdown and in time it might make sense to put them in the Chamber, but right now it’s too soon.
3. Samoa Joe’s Raw debut was great.
It surprised me, it was pretty cool to see Joe live on Raw after all these years, he came off mean and scary and it put some interest into a storyline I don’t give a good fuck about, so sure. Well done.
4. John Cena will lose the WWE title at the Elimination Chamber PPV.
I already covered this, so yes. Which makes it all the more mystifying that he beat AJ for it in the first place. Serious question. Did anyone outside of WWE actually care that Cena was going for his 16th title reign? Was it really so important to give it to him that it was necessary for him to make AJ look like an afterthought in the last promos before the match (he’s just a guy from Atlanta) and then win and basically prove himself right? Even if AJ isn’t going to win at Elimination Chamber, he could lose there without having to look like such a scrub. Yes, I say scrub having seen the match at the Rumble and knowing how good he looked in it. Sure a guy can lose a match like that and not come out any worse for it, but that didn’t happen all because Cena just had to do that stupid interview. It kind of reminds me of all those times Triple H would get the better of every up and coming babyface and then when it was time for revenge…he’d beat them. I hated that and I pretty much hate this.
5. You were disappointed that there was only one surprise (Tye Dillinger) in the Royal Rumble match.
Nope. Tye in at number ten was the one I was hoping for and they gave it to me, so no complaints here.
6. What is your excitement level (1-10) for the Triple H vs. Seth Rollins feud?
Can I pick 0? I’m trying hard to give less of a fuck, but I don’t think I can. And really, why should I? Let’s look at this storyline.
Seth comes into WWE as part of the Shield, who are totally bad ass. He then turns on his Shield friends completely out of the blue for no reason to join Triple H and the authority. He does this the night after he and his Shield friends finish absolutely laying waste to Evolution, a group that included Triple H, thus proving that he doesn’t need Triple H to be successful. But ok, let’s just pretend he thought the Shield was dragging him down and that if he sucked up to Triple H who is kind of the boss around here, he’d get to the main event and the top title a whole lot easier. Fine, aside from the part where the Shield were pretty well main eventing from day one and held half the belts in the company at one point. But alright, he wants the World Title. Who doesn’t? And with the boss behind his bad assery, it’s a foregone conclusion that he’s going to get it and dominate everyone in the process. Well, we’re half right. He got the title eventually, but immediately upon his heel turn he also became the biggest fucking pussy in the universe, constantly crying and bitching and complaining about everything, not being able to win anything without help from a giant crew of people hired by Triple H and losing a gazillion matches in a row. It’s not even like he won a couple big ones on his own in convincing fashion to show that he doesn’t really need the help, he’s just taking it because it’s easier. No, he’s just a lowly wrestler who needs management at every turn and isn’t even all that good at rewarding their faith in him. After more than an insufferable goddamn year of this garbage, he gets injured for real. When he comes back, he spends most of his time complaining that the people who used to help him aren’t wanting to help him anymore, because that’s what a good babyface does. He gets even more upset when Triple H A.K.A. one of the people who used to help him decides to help Kevin Owens instead. To his credit, he does halfheartedly try to win the belt from Owens, but gives up pretty quickly because people keep interfering in the matches. So now he wants to fight Triple H because…um…that’s a good question. I suppose it’s because he won’t help him win matches anymore, because who doesn’t want to cheer for a guy who cries when the boss decides to make somebody else employee of the month? And just to make super duper sure I can’t invest in any of this, the other week on Raw, Seth had a match won when suddenly, Triple H’s theme music started playing. Being the smart babyface he is, Seth of course took the three seconds required to win the match and then squared up to fight Triple H who was storming down the ramp. Just kidding, he stopped winning the match so he could look around like a goober for a good 15 seconds then get rolled up and pinned like a complete fucking idiot while Triple H never materialized, losing his spot in the Rumble where the winner gets a shot at the champion in the process. Yeah, I sure want to see that match now, because there’s nothing better than a semi-retired old man with an office job fighting a big, dumb, blubbering moron.
I say all this hoping that it will get better. I like Seth, and Triple H can still go in the ring. They’ll probably have an enjoyable match, but because of how we’ve gotten to this point it’s an enjoyable match that I really don’t care if I see.