It’s Not Fan Food, It’s I Feel Fat Food

We live dangerously close to a Dairy Queen, so sometimes we get blizzards. For a while, we used to get the blizzards of the month, but then they took those away and brought in these Royal blizzards. That was the closest I could get, they don’t have their own page, but they do have their own heading. I have decided, after trying all of them, that they are DQ’s version of the Tim Hortons Creamy Chocolate Chill.

Just look at the descriptions of these things.

Royal \Oreo
OREO® cookies blended with creamy vanilla soft serve then filled with a perfectly paired fudge center.

Royal New York Cheese Cake
Cheesecake pieces and graham blended with creamy vanilla soft serve then filled with a perfectly paired strawberry center.

Royal Reese’s® Brownie Blizzard® Treat
Reese’s® Peanut Butter Cups and chocolate brownies blended with creamy vanilla soft serve and filled with peanut butter topping.

Royal Ultimate Choco Brownie Blizzard®
Chocolate brownies, choco chunks, and fudge blended with creamy vanilla soft serve and filled with fudge topping.

There used to be a Rocky Road one too, that was full of caramel and some kind of marshmallow goop.

Those blizzards sound amazing…until you eat them. Steve described it as what happens if you let a six-year-old make his own sundae at a buffet with a sundae bar. They put everything in it, and think it’s going to be awesome. Then, after they eat it, it doesn’t seem so awesome anymore.

I feel like a bit of a fool for trying all the Royal Blizzards, but I think I’ve *finally* learned my lesson.

And…while we’re talking about Dairy Queen, what the hell is their slogan supposed to mean? “This is fan food, not fast food.” So…are they trying to say that their food cools you like a fan? Maybe…except for all the hot stuff they make. Do they mean that people who are big DQ fans come in and take a turn making the stuff? That might explain these Royal Blizzards. Maybe they were invented by a pack of six-year-old fans who wanted to eat all the things. Whatever it’s supposed to mean, it’s dumb. It’s about as dumb as “Campbell’s: We all soup.” Whaaa?

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1 comment
  1. The one I specifically had in mind when I said that was the Ultimate Choco Brownie one, but the peanut butter one is close. It’s like taking Anton to a burger place minus the iron stomach. “I’ll have that and that and that and that and that and that and that and that and that too…oh and that and that and that and that…”, and by the end of the night you’re doubled over making noises that are nearly impossible to spell with a gun to your head. Hoomoooooooommparrrrrrrrbloooooooomfph

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