Suddenly Those Perfume People Don’t Seem So Bad

As if shopping at Walmart could get any more unpleasant.

In early-November, a Walmart shopper told police that a “creepy” man lingered near her in the store’s makeup aisle. After the man passed behind her, the shopper “felt something wet on her foot and lower back.” The woman then went to the bathroom “and tried to wipe the material off her but it was sticky.”
On December 28, another woman told police that “some substance” had been “thrown or sprayed on her” while she was shopping at the same Walmart in Marietta, a city across the Ohio River from West Virginia. A review of store surveillance footage revealed that the suspect in last week’s incident was identical to the “creepy” man spotted in November.

After some police work, the culprit was identified as 28-year-old Timothy Blake, a bad liar from West Virginia. I say a bad liar because I bet most of you already have a pretty good idea what that substance was, and none of you have access to a forensic lab like the cops did.

After identifying the truck driven by the suspect, cops confronted Blake at a Wings Etc. restaurant as he sat down for dinner with his wife. When asked what he was throwing on the female victims, Blake first claimed that it was egg yolks. But when police advised that they “had the material tested,” Blake “then admitted that it was semen in the containers he was squirting” at the buttocks of women.

Yes, you did just read that his wife was there. That’s gonna be an awkward ride home later, methinks.

With the bad lying mostly but perhaps not completely out of his system, Blake got rather talkative, telling police that he’d gone into that Walmart and done this at least 12 times. On four of those occasions he said he used semen, while the others involved either egg yolks and flour or spit. Yup, he’s sticking to that egg story like semen to a department store customer. Not sure I’m buying it, but for all I know it could be true. Anyway, he said that when it was spunk day, he would do the deed in either his vehicle or the Walmart bathroom and impregnate a syringe, which he had many of because he owned a farm on which he was responsible for the inoculation of the animals.

When asked about his motivations, Blake gave the old I “thought she displayed exhibitionist characteristics and wanted to be noticed” chestnut and admitted that yes, he thought about sexual things while he was doing it. You know, in case there might be any confusion due to the myriad other reasons one might feel compelled to whip out an auxiliary man cannon at a shopping centre and start blasting away.

He was charged with two counts of felony obscenity and released after posting $11,000 bond. He was still free at last report,but required to wear a GPS monitor.

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