Today In Whatever You Say, Buddy: It’s Possible To Kiss A Kid By Accident Three Times. I Know Because I Did It

I’ve heard a lot of terrible excuses for things, and this one’s definitely way up there on that list.

Former Houston substitute teacher Pete Garcia Hernandez, 49, has been charged with three counts of indecency with a child, which is why he is former Houston substitute teacher Pete Garcia Hernandez and not current Houston substitute teacher Pete Garcia Hernandez. But if he’s looking for a new career path, I think he may have found one assuming he can sort out how to make a living by being mercilessly ridiculed. Why? Because when confronted with the allegations made against him by the students in question, he offered the following defense.

According to court documents, three girls in the suspect’s class reported to investigators that Hernandez had kissed them on the mouth, touched their chests and sat them on his lap. When asked about the allegations, Hernandez reportedly told investigators that the kissing happened on accident and that “he was speaking close with them and his tongue accidentally went in their mouth.”

Oopsidaisy!

Well, to be fair, I can’t count the number of times that’s happened to me. My best guess is 0, but I’ve been around a while and my memory sometimes isn’t the greatest. Let me think. … … … … … Yeah, still going with 0.

Just for fun though, let’s pretend for a second that he’s not brimming with excrement and this is actually what happened. Sure would make life interesting, wouldn’t it? Imagine getting into a bar fight. One minute you’re all up in some dude’s area wanting to tear him apart, and the next thing you know you’re planning a wedding and living happily ever after.

But in a sign that even he knew how ridiculous that sounds, Hernandez did later admit that while the children were on his lap he did have some sexual thoughts. This is a huge improvement, since based on his earlier statement the idea that he has thoughts at all seems a bit of a stretch.

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