Jeff Lytle may or may not have just learned a very important lesson. I say may or may not because when you start off from a position of such overt yet preventable dipshittery, the capacity for learning is by no means guaranteed.
The arrest came after Lytle tried to reach out to a hitman named “Shayne” about killing his family in order to cash in on a $1.5 million life insurance policy, news station KIRO reported. The texts include his wife’s work schedule and to make the murder look like a “robbery gone wrong or make it a accident.”
“You remember you said that you would help me kill my wife,” Lytle wrote. “I’m going to take you up on that offer.”
However, Lytle mixed up the contact for his hitman with his former boss. The former employer called police, who arrested Lytle at his home on Wednesday in Monroe, Washington.
And Lytle, who has since been charged with two counts of criminal solicitation for first-degree murder, wasn’t done marching in the dumbfuck parade just yet.
Showing that he’s as good at making excuses as he is at making sure he’s texting the right person, Lytle told investigators that while what they were seeing may look like him trying to have his family killed, that’s not what was happening at all. What they were actually looking at, he said, was simply him venting some frustration in the form of unsent draft text messages. You know, because who hasn’t drawn up detailed murder plans by texts in a random window in a fit of rage, am I right? As for how they went from unsent text messages to sent ones, that’s probably on his daughter who, let us not forget, he totally doesn’t want to kill at all, never ever ever.
Bail has been set at $1 million. Shockingly no one has posted it, but maybe that’s down to him screwing up the number when he made his one phone call and not that whole contracting someone to kill his loved ones thing.