I Need That Cash Back! How Am I Supposed To Buy a Clue Without It?

After you’ve broken into an apartment in an attempt to rape somebody only to be chased off by a dude with a sword, you’d think you might want to lay low for a while and maybe stop pushing your luck. But you, my friend, are not Francisco Chavez. *His* next move was to waltz into the local police station and report the wallet he dropped whilst running for his life as stolen.

“When I got to the landing at the top of the stairs, I took one cut at him with the sword, but he ducked, and I missed and dented the wood railing.”
The man ran down the stairs. Dolan went back to check on the bruised and rattled woman, call 911 and wake a friend visiting from Boston who’d slept through it all on a couch several feet away. 
“While we were waiting for police to arrive, I found the guy’s wallet on the ground,” Dolan said. “It must have fallen out of his pocket. I found a Carolina Panthers hat, too.”

Around the time the police got there, a man walked in to a nearby Shakespeare District police station in Logan Square and reported he’d been the victim of a robbery, that his wallet was stolen.

Officers ran a search on his name and discovered he was wanted for the attack that Dolan had put a stop to with his $100 Medieval Times sword.
Francisco Chavez, 39, who lives in Logan Square, was charged with home invasion, attempted aggravated criminal sexual assault and aggravated criminal sexual abuse.

But it doesn’t quite end there, as he also happened to match the description of someone police were looking for after a somewhat similar incident at a different building a couple weeks earlier.

A woman told the police she saw a man urinating in the middle of the day in Pulaski Park just north of Division Street and west of the Kennedy Expressway who then followed her for about a block to her apartment and began pacing back and fourth outside her building, according to Assistant Cook County State’s Attorney Ed Murillo.
When a couple of dog walkers asked what the man was doing, he responded: “I’m just waiting for that white bitch next door,” according to Murillo.
Minutes later, the woman saw the man peeping through a window and ran out her back door. Two workmen chased him away.
Minutes later, the dog walkers saw him climb through a bedroom window into the woman’s apartment, Murillo said. The woman heard a noise and found Chavez standing in her closet.
She again ran out of the house screaming. Murillo said Chavez chased and tried to grab her, but the two dog walkers again were passing and chased him down an alley, where he was caught on a surveillance camera.

So now, because he didn’t want to hang out on hold long enough to report his cards as lost and get replacements like a smart person, he’s jailed without bail. Thank Christ he’s not a smart person. What a creep.

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