Talk About Your Hyped Up Gift

Wow. This guy has a heck of a lot of willpower. 47 years ago, Adrian Pearce was dumped by his girlfriend, but right before she dumped him, she gave him a Christmas present, and he has never opened it. He used to put it under the Christmas tree until his wife finally insisted it be banned from there. Every now and then, he has a moment of weakness and goes to open it, but he has always stopped. Now, it has grown into a great big mystery.

He tried to get in contact with the ex-girlfriend years later, but the number he once had was no longer hers.

This would be where most people stopped and said “Aww, how sweet!” But I have to go and spoil it by putting in this lovely ditty.

“Open me first at Christmas,” said the tag for her to see.
Upon my gift wrapped shoe box, beneath her plastic tree
And even through the air holes, I can smell her cheap perfume.
It set my puppy tail a waggin’, though it didn’t have much room.

Open me first at Christmas. Can’t you hear me whine?
Open me first at Christmas, I’m running out of time,
I’m running out of time.

Her boyfriend stuffed me in this shoe box, while I was fast asleep.
Being the runt of the litter, that used pet store sold me cheap.
And I smelled chicken grease on his fingers, and it made my poocher hunger grow.
then I heard curses through yellow chain smoke teeth as he fumbled with the bow.

Oh and now she’s shaking my shoe box, and it gave my poocher heart a lift.
Soon she’ll be unwrapping me, her warm and snuggly gift.
Oh but what is all this shouting? His other girlfriend is on her phone
I hear suitcases being packed and the door is slammed, it’s Christmas Eve and I’m all alone!

Well, what are we gonna do now, folks?
Before you all return for your next forced entertainment period, you get to vote. What we’re going to do with the little puppy at the end of the song. Will the puppy live or die? It’s up to you.
Yes, this is an open democracy. Just pretend you’re an emperor at a Roman arena
who wants the puppydog to live?
(some applause)
Who wants the puppydog to die?
(bigger cheer)
Well, right to lifers, I guess you lose again.

She’s gone, she’s never coming back, but I’ll be a big surprise anyway.
When the apartment manager’s niece opens me first, come next Christmas day.

Open me first at Christmas. Can’t you hear me whine?
Open me first at Christmas, cuzz I’ve just run out of *coughcough* time!

Gee mommy, is that a polaroid? Aaaaaa!

I’m sure Adrian’s present was much less…traumatizing. It might even be disappointing if he does open the gift as part of some charity event since it has been so mysterious for so long. But I figure I shouldn’t be the only one with that horrible image in my head. Mwa ha ha ha.

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  1. “This would be where most people stopped and said “Aww, how sweet!””

    I guess I’m not most people then, because I read that whole thing and my only thoughts were this is really weird and I wonder if there’s a clue to why he got dumped in there, the creepy fuck. Maybe he’s the nicest, most well-adjusted fella in the world, but….gaaaaaah! Something about it gives me the willies the more I think about it, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the next program that profiles him airs on Investigation Discovery.

    That said, I do like the charity idea. I might even enter because now I wanna know what the hell’s in the damn thing.

    And I’m so glad one of us got the chance to use that song someplace.

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