We’re going to do this Gill thing a little differently today. She sent in a bunch of odd scenarios under the subject “Which would you rather?”, so I’m going to try to decide. Let’s see how this goes.
Would you rather be eaten by a shark, or forced to watch the movie Jaws every day for the rest of your life?
This is interesting, because it depends on the circumstances. If I only have to watch it once per day every day for the rest of my life, I’d do it, painful as it would be. Yes it would cost me two hours and four minutes of my life each day which adds up to a lot of wasted time, but it still leaves plenty of room for me to go about the rest of my life as I please. But if the deal is that I have to spend the rest of my life doing nothing but watching Jaws, I’m feeding myself to that fucking shark. it’ll suck for a while, but at least it’ll be over comparatively quickly.
Would you rather be strong in a world full of brittle boned people, or the only brittle boned person in a world full of strong people?
I’m the strong one, without question. I can’t guarantee that I would never shatter some crumbly motherfucker for getting on my nerves, but I absolutely trust one of me to use that power more wisely than I trust 7 billion beasts to all be nice to me forever.
Would you rather never eat your favorite food again, or only eat your most hated foods for the rest of your life?
This might sound strange, but I don’t know what my favourite food is. Beyond a few things I’m really not that picky, and there’s a lot of stuff I love. But when I hate something I reeeeeeeeealy hate it, so if never having another slice of let’s say apple pie saves me from a lifetime of pineapples on pizza and tomatoes on hamburgers, it’s been a good run, apple pie.
Would you rather be super rich and live in isolation from the rest of the world, or would you rather be extremely poor and live in a house with all nations?
I had to think hard about this one because although I am a very friendly, outgoing person who does well in social situations even with strangers, I really don’t like being around or having to talk to people all that much. So giving me a bunch of money and saying Steve, not only will you never have to want for anything material ever again but you also get to be alone a lot is pretty tempting. But being by yourself a lot is quite different from being a hermit, and I know that eventually I’d start missing certain family and friends, so I guess I’m poor and surrounded by humanity, goddammit!
Would you rather be the only survivor of a train wreck but have no memory, or sacrifice yourself to save four hundred people?
This one’s easy. I’m dead. Not only did I just save 400 people, but I also don’t have to live the rest of my life being haunted by questions about something that everyone but me knows I was a part of.
Would you rather wake up naked in a dumpster every morning or dress in garbage every day?
I’m all about that dumpster. Once I get out and clean up, maybe there’s a good story about how I got there. And even if there isn’t, I still get to walk around wearing something that’s not garbage until I ultimately screw up and we start over again.
Would you rather be extremely in shape but have a person shaped tumor growing out of your side, or weigh 600 lbs and not be able to do much?
I submit that this question is based on a faulty premise, that being that anyone with a tumour the size of even the smallest possible human could be considered to be in shape or would be able to do much of anything, but I’ll work with what I’m given.
Being 600 pounds, while certainly coming with its share of complications and limitations, would absolutely be preferable to having the equivalent of a conjoined twin growing in me. Hell, maybe I became 600 pounds because I got to indulge in all of my favourite foods while watching Jaws every day, which might have even been kind of fun for a while.
The tumour…there’s literally no upside to that. Even the surgery that might fix it is far more likely to kill me than the one that might help me not be 600 pounds anymore.
So yes, I shall be fat.
Which one of you assholes said “er”?
Would you rather be stoned to death, or deal out the stoning on some random stranger?
Neither. But since I must choose…gaaaah…this isn’t easy. Even though I wouldn’t have acted alone, I know me and I know I’d be guilty all the time about not stopping it, so I guess I’m dead.
Would you rather have your internet history broadcasted to the entire world each day, or never use the internet again?
My internet history is probably tame compared to a lot of you, an opinion I would hold even if this didn’t exist to back it up. But purely on principle, there would be no internet in Steve’s life without even the most pathetic attempt at an illusion of privacy. I spent the first 20 years of my life without regular access to it, and as much as it’s helped me in the almost 20 since, I’d figure out how to go without again.
Would you rather live each day in the excruciating pain my friend Jeff lives in, or be the one who gets to inflict similar pain?
Even without knowing all of the specifics, I don’t hesitate long before saying that I’d rather live the pain, because I have little desire to inflict physical pain on others or to deal with the mental pain that would come with having to do so.
Would you rather only see the world in sepia tones but never have close friends, or would you rather never see again and befriend whomever you meet?
Just gonna throw this out there, even though it might make me look stupid. I had to Google what sepia tones are. They’re basically a slightly friendlier version of black and white, in case you’re as uneducated as I.
As for the question itself, there’s nothing for me to think about. I don’t see at all now and I make friends easily, so we’ll just go ahead and keep things as they are.
Would you rather perform backbreaking tasks but live a long life, or tell others to do backbreaking tasks and die with in a month?
I’m dead, and will lie comfortably in my casket, back unbroken.
Would you rather never talk again or talk in quotes?
“I’ll take the quotes, though I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with the frequent urge to punch myself in the face.”
–Me, just now.
Would you rather have infinite knowledge but be selfish, or would you rather be selfless and learn as you go?
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think truly selfless people exist. There are people who do heroic things without much regard for their well being and people with a tendency to quietly put others before themselves on the regular, but nobody spends 100 percent of his time not looking out for himself. So again, let’s just keep things as they are.
Would you rather know all the languages in the world, or be fluent in an obscure dialect?
Were I selfless I might decide that it would be nice to preserve and pass on the obscure dialect, but I am not, so give me all of the languages. It’ll be nice to be able to say “what have you got on tap today” and “which way is the bathroom, I don’t think that weird thing that I just ate is agreeing with me” no matter where I am.
Would you rather have the constant itch of poison ivy every day for the rest of your life, or be able to give your enemies similar itch and discomfort?
I’m dishing that shit out. Next.
Would you rather learn the ways of the jedi but lose your friends and family, or keep your friends and family but have horrible headaches every time you see Star Wars?
I already get headaches and I’m pretty good at avoiding Star Wars, so let’s keep things as they are.
Would you rather be insensitive to your own pain but feel everyone else’s, or feel your own pain but give one person pain insensitivity?
Would I be giving that person true pain insensitivity or the kind I would get? The way the question is worded I can’t tell. Either way, I’ll keep my own pain. The only thing I have to decide now is if I’ll give the insensitivity to someone I like or someone I hope has a miserable time.
Would you rather have full sight and be depressed, or have none but be happy?
Let’s keep things as they are.
Would you rather be King or Queen of the world, or serve the king or queen of the world?
I think monarchies are bullshit, so I’ll become the king and then do as little as possible with my newfound clout. I’m sure I’d toss out a few proclamations here and there, but not often and only to fix things that aren’t already functioning properly.
Would you rather be able to read in five different languages but be a poor conversationalist, or barely be able to read but be able to hold your own in a conversation?
There’s a place for both, but I think when push comes to shove it’s better to be people smart than book smart, so I’ll read a little slower if I have to.
Would you rather be burned alive or encased in ice?
Pretty sure the end result either way is that I’m dead, but since I must choose, I think I’ll take the ice. Yes it would take longer and yes I hate the cold, but in my mind both of those factors seem much more pleasant than being on fire even for a couple of minutes.
Would you rather be kind and generous but hideous looking, or beautiful and selfish?
Let’s keep things as they are.
Would you rather predict your own death or that of your neighbor?
Oh man, it’s neighbour all the way here.
Knowing when you’re going to die puts a lot of pressure on you. You have to cram a bunch of shit you’ve always wanted to do into an unnatural amount of time and somehow still enjoy it, you have to hunt people down so you can make peace with them, you have to make time you don’t really have to savour a bunch of stuff you’ve taken for granted like sunrises and cake…it’s a ton of work and I’ve got stuff to put off.
But calling when other people are going to bite it? That’s easy street right there. You nail that Jim and Stan are done for next Thursday and Sunday a couple of times and nobody’s ever messing with you again. Ok, so maybe the police department is going to have some questions at first, but after that, you’re golden. And even if people start coming to you for advice about every stupid problem they have, all you’d need to do is answer their questions by muttering Friday the 24th to yourself a few times and they’ll never bother you again.
Would you rather be bitten by a snake or forced to eat tarantulas for every meal for a year?
It says bitten by, but not specifically that I’m going to be killed, so assuming that I have a chance of making it through alive and well enough to enjoy other meals, I’ll take my chances with the snake.