May Masturbation Take Place Not, May Meth Not Cloud Your Mind, No Officer To Say You’ll Blow, No Bars You’ll Be Behind

Maybe Kevin Adkins had nobody to kiss New Year’s Eve. Perhaps that’s why he was so intent on taking matters into his own hands. Or it might have been the meth. Yeah, that’s probably it. Stay off the meth, everyone. I haven’t tried most of them, but there are some drugs that look like they might be fun. Meth though? That stuff just seems like it never ends well.

Kevin Adkins, 34, was on methamphetamine Dec. 31, 2017, when at 7:30 p.m. he approached his first victim sitting in a car after delivering pizza.
Adkins asked the victim to drive him to a Safeway store so he could buy a cucumber to use as a dildo. Prosecutors said Adkins pants were down and his genitals were exposed. The victim refused and Adkins got into the car holding a metal object.
Prosecutors said the victim took the car keys, got out of the car and called 911. Adkins slid over to the driver’s side of the car and when he realized the keys were gone he got out of the car and walked away.
Prosecutors said about 20 minutes later Adkins second victim was walking his dog and saw Adkins approaching with his genitals exposed and carrying a metal object.

The victim called 911. Prosecutors said police arrived and saw Adkins with his genitals exposed. Adkins was carrying a large kitchen lighter bent into an L shape.

But the fun didn’t stop just because he got arrested.

On his way to the station, Adkins tried to bargain for his release, offering to “orally copulate” an officer in exchange for freedom. Not sure about you guys, but that sounds romantic as hell.

And still, we’re not finished.

At the police station, either because his previous offer was refused and he wanted to show the foolish policeman what he was missing out on or because he needed to warm himself up, Adkins decided that right then would be the perfect time to start going to town on himself. Yes, in front of the same officer.

Now we’re finished, unless we take a moment to note that all of the fun went down in Redwood City, which we will because who are we to pass up an easy wood joke? Red wood, even. Funny on a couple of levels, that.

Adkins wound up pleading no contest to charges of bribing a police officer, attempted car theft and indecent exposure. He was given 90 days in jail and will have to register as a sex offender. Hopefully he’ll also get some help for the meth thing if he needs it.

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