Have A Few Jokes

Here are a few I’ve found as I try to clean out my holiday neglected inbox.

*One year, a man bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas.

The next year, he didn’t buy her anything.

“Why didn’t I get a Christmas gift from you this year,” she asks as the family is sitting around opening their presents.

“Well,” he says, “I didn’t think you wanted one. You never used the one I got you last year.”

*My Uncle Louie was the worst ventriloquist ever. He used to stick two fingers up my ass and tell me not to say anything.

*Last Christmas my Aunt Sadie hung herself. Being part of a traditional family, we didn’t take her down until the fifth of January.

*A guy’s at the bar, drunk. Another guy, wanting to be helpful, picks him up off the floor and takes him home.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, the second guy helps him out of the car, and on the way to the front door he falls down four more times.

The second guy rings the bell, and when the wife answers, he says, “Here’s your husband.”

“Thank you,” she says, “but where’s his wheelchair?”

*Two guys are talking one day.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but my wife thinks she’s a Christmas card.”

“Why don’t you send her to your psychiatrist?”

“Why should I? He never sends me one.”

*Q: How do we know that peanuts are fattening?
A: Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

*Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

One night at a singles’ bar, he started talking to a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

“I’m just an ordinary man,” he told her, “but in a week or two my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

She decided to go home with him, and the next day she became his stepmother.

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