Proof Positive That I Do Not Belong On “Jeopardy!”

No more must I sit in front of the television each evening wondering if I am smart enough to one day be a contestant on “Jeopardy!” The answer, I discovered last night, is fuck no!

What has brought me to this conclusion? This damn All-Star tournament, that’s what! One second I feel like I completely understand it, then in the next I realize I absolutely do not.

I missed night one which probably doesn’t help, but last night I watched night two with my own eyes and am still utterly confused. On night one, there was apparently a Jeopardy round but no Final Jeopardy. How did they make a half hour out of that? Last night there was Double Jeopardy and Final Jeopardy, which I’m told marks the end of game one of match one. Ok, fine. Each match is a two game affair. If the first game took two days, then this one will too. Got it. But according to this here, each opening round match is played over three days. The hell, Jeopardy? Does that mean that tonight will be more of a standard game without all of the extra bantering and such so you can get it done in one episode?

I figured out the part where each player on a team gets to play a round. That makes sense and is actually quite interesting. But then we start getting into top earners and point totals and who gets to come back and oh my god watch this video ow my brain.

Yes, I am feeling somewhat ill right now. But I have a strong sense that even were I not, I would still be wrestling with a similar degree of bafflement.

I give everyone involved in this all the credit in the world for trying something new and keeping things fresh, and I’m sure I’ll love the concept by the time it’s over. But right now, I am old, I fear change, and would love nothing more than to just watch “Jeopardy!” without having to think about it.

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