*My mum said to me, “Take your umbrella, it looks like rain.”
I said, “No it doesn’t. It looks like a stick with spokes attached which is covered in fabric.”
The woman’s delusional.
*I was walking through Glasgow today, when I was stopped by a representative from Aquafresh Toothpaste.
She said, “Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?”
I said, “We’re in Glasgow love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth.”
*Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she’ll never notice.
Call a girl fat once and she’ll never forget it.
This is because elephants never forget.
*The other guests told the bride “You look radiant! Terrific!” so I said
but I guess she wasn’t a Charlotte’s Web fan.
*Did you hear about the quadreplegic juggler?
It’s sad .. he keeps dropping the quadreplegics.
*”A New Jersey restaurant is offering a special menu this month that doesn’t list prices, but instead asks customers to pay what they think is fair. According to the sign in the window, the restaurant is called ‘This Space for Rent.'” -Seth Meyers
*Q: If God were a vehicle, what kind of vehicle would he be?
A: An ice cream truck, because he brings joy to those who discover Him, but people who follow Him too closely are usually paedophiles.
*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never again be ending a work email with “Regards”.
*Q: How do vampires start their letters?
A: “Tomb it may concern…”
*Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
*Q: What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
*At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled…
“Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.