How Many Naked, Drunken Burglars Does It Take To Unscrew Some Light Bulbs?

I’ve been sitting here for about the last five minutes trying to figure out what this fella’s plan might have been. Maybe the fireplace poker is a weapon. Sensible enough. Maybe you unscrew the light bulbs so that if your intrusion is detected they can’t get a look at you, buying you some time to get away. Clever. But the rest of this? Nope. Even if I were capable of Mensa level mental gymnastics, I think I’d still be stumped.

According to Dixon police, Joel E. Gartman, 52, of Dixon, tore open a screen in the back of a house in the 200 block a wee bit before midnight.
Not yet naked, Gartman crawled through the window, unscrewed some light bulbs, and, in an unusually courteous mood for a burglar, took off his shoes.
He grabbed three “alcoholic beverages” from the refrigerator and strolled through the house, drinking them.
Gartman then encountered a person sleeping on a couch, decided taking off just his shoes wasn’t enough, and stripped. He sat down next to the sleeping homeowner, fireplace poker in hand.
The homeowner woke up, realized that no, this was not a dream, and fled upstairs to wake the home’s other resident.

The story goes on to say that Gartman tried and failed to hide while still naked, and was soon arrested.

So if being hit with a slew of charges including residential burglary, criminal trespass to a residence, misdemeanor criminal damage to property, theft and disorderly conduct was his plan all along, congratulations on a job well done, I guess.

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