Next Time, Vote GOP! Grand Old Penis!

Police officers responded to a call from the Forest Hills station in Jamaica Plain at approximately 12:15 a.m. regarding a man, later identified as James Sacchetti, exposing himself to an adult woman on a train. Sacchetti, 30, allegedly approached the woman and initiated a conversation about the election. Assuming she voted for Hillary Clinton, he implied that her decision was a poor choice, according to police.
When the woman responded by telling him that her vote was her personal business, he allegedly stood up from his seat, unbuckled his belt, and lowered his pants and underwear to expose himself to her. He then exited the train at Forest Hills.

His appearing to be a Trump supporter kind of ruins my joke about how he was just trying to show her a reasonable facsimile of the dick his stupid country somehow voted into office, but I’m going to go ahead and make it anyway.

Sacchetti was apprehended by police while still in the train station and charged with open and gross lewdness.

If Real People Commercials Were Real For Real

It’s no secret that companies think we’re stupid and have no problem insulting our intelligence. To me one of the worst examples of this is the “we talked to real people to get their thoughts on our brand new…” type ad. Anyone with even the faintest snort of a clue knows that everybody in the commercial is either an actor, knows enough to say nice things because they’ll get on TV or edited to come off even more excited than they truly are. Oh, and that anybody who acts like an asshole to the product is headed straight for the cutting room floor.

But what if these companies weren’t straight up lying to our faces? What if now and then some uncoached guy made it in or things didn’t go exactly as planned? It might look like these Chevy videos from Zebra Corner.






And breaking with the theme just because I’m juvenile and it made me laugh…

There’s a channel filled with these things making fun of all sorts of companies for doing this crap. Prepare to waste some time.

Hit By A Truck

Didn’t expect this one to go the way it did.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies standing there.

Is there a problem,” he asks?

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

“I am,” he replies.

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The man agrees and gets a photo to show them.

The deputies examine the photo, have a whispered conversation and then turn back to the man.

“I’m very sorry sir,” one of them begins. “But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

“I know,” says the man. “But she gives a great blowjob and she can really cook.”

Trigger Warning

People shoot themselves this way with stunning regularity, but rarely are those people as aptly named as Jason Trigger.

Trigger, 35, was in a Dollar General store in Hudson when a handgun fell from his waistband, hit the floor and fired into his right ankle, according to Bay News 9.

He left before paramedics arrived and went to hospital, where he was taken into custody, according to WFLA.

The reason he was taken into custody is that beyond his lack of common sense dictating that he maybe shouldn’t have a gun, the law had already dictated that he absolutely wasn’t supposed to. Thanks to multiple arrests for crimes ranging from possession of cocaine, grand theft, resisting an officer and arson, he was a felon in possession of a firearm, which police were happy to add to his list.

Photoshopped Voices, Now With Less Data And More AI

These Lyrebird people haven’t yet reached Adobe VoCo levels of voice fakery, but they’re getting there. And though their aim is to sell their technology to companies whose products include speech synthesis, once it’s widely available, the implications are quite similar.

What you’re listening to is a Lyrebird generated Donald Trump, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton talking about the company. Right now they sound quite low quality and computer generated, but with the arguable exception of Hillary it isn’t hard to figure out which voices those are. And though it may be tempting to write that sample off as digitized garbage and move on, it’s worth keeping in mind that those voices are as close to the genuine article as they are after the use of voice samples under a minute long as opposed to the 20 minutes required by VoCo.

This is all made by possible through the use of artificial neural networks, which function in a manner similar to the biological neural networks in the human brain. Essentially, the algorithm learns to recognize patterns in a particular person’s speech, and then reproduce those patterns during simulated speech.

“We train our models on a huge dataset with thousands of speakers,” Jose Sotelo, a team member at Lyrebird and a speech synthesis expert, told Gizmodo. “Then, for a new speaker we compress their information in a small key that contains their voice DNA. We use this key to say new sentences.”
The end result is far from perfect—the samples still exhibit digital artifacts, clarity problems, and other weirdness—but there’s little doubt who is being imitated by the speech generator. Changes in intonation are also discernible. Unlike other systems, Lyrebird’s solution requires less data per speaker to produce a new voice, and it works in real time. The company plans to offer its tool to companies in need of speech synthesis solutions.
“We are currently raising funds and growing our engineering team,” said Sotelo. “We are working on improving the quality of the audio to make it less robotic, and we hope to start beta testing soon.”

The Handicapped Can


The nice fellow on the radio said that coming up he would have a song that would stick in our heads all day. That song, as you can see above, was The Candy Man by Sammy Davis Jr.

He is correct. That song is going to stick in my and Carin’s heads all day, but not for the reason he thinks. That’s because neither of us will ever be able to hear it again without singing the Bob Rivers version. That link should start playing a beautiful song a few seconds after you click it.

If you need some lyrics, they’re here as well as quoted below since some of the ads on that site, while not appearing to be malicious, are slowing down even my nice computer and I’m not making the rest of you deal with that just to read a song.

Handicap
Hey handicap

“All right my little children, gather round those groovy handicapped are here.
So tell me babe, so what kind of handicap do you have?”
“Well I had a motorcycle but it cost me an arm and a leg.”
“I can see that. Pretty groovy appliance. I bet the ladies dig it, hey babe?”

Who goes in the bathroom
Grabs the biggest stall
A handy metal railing
So they don’t slip in the bowl
The handicapped
The handicapped
The handicapped can
They handicapped can
‘Cause they got a special sticker
Makes them better than you
Makes us better than you
The handicapped park
Anywhere they want
Takin’ up the closest spaces
Zoomin’ in their wheelchair races
Spittle drippin’ down their faces
Yeah yeah yeah
Zippin’ through the crosswalk
On a motorized machine
Winning groovy medals
On their own Olympic team
The handicapped
The handicapped
Oh the handicapped can
The handicapped can
‘Cause they’re pals of Jerry Lewis
And the telethon crew
The handicapped can
‘Cause they are very special people
And they’re just like you
With some assholes too
“We are the handicapped babe, and we are groovy, know what I am saying? People love to take us shopping at Christmastime, ’cause we park so close to the mall.”

The handicapped
The handicapped

Baseball On Acid


I have neither taken LSD or thrown a no-hitter, but I’ve watched enough people do each to know that doing both at the same time seems damn near impossible. But it was 47 years ago today that Dock Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates did exactly that in a game against the San Diego Padres. No matter how many times I hear the story I’m amazed by it, and I’m not sure why it’s taken me so many years to put it here.

Self-reportedly under the influence of LSD, Ellis threw a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres 2-0 on Friday, June 12, 1970 in the first game of a doubleheader at San Diego Stadium. The Pirates flew to San Diego on Thursday, June 11 for a series against the Padres. Ellis reported that he visited a friend in Los Angeles and used LSD “two or three times.” Thinking it was still Thursday, he took a hit of LSD on Friday at noon, and his friend’s girlfriend reminded him at 2:00 PM that he was scheduled to pitch that night. Ellis flew from Los Angeles to San Diego at 3:00 PM and arrived at San Diego Stadium at 4:30 PM; the game started at 6:05 PM.
Ellis threw the no-hitter despite being unable to feel the ball or see the batter or catcher clearly. Ellis said his catcher Jerry May wore reflective tape on his fingers which helped him to see May’s signals. Ellis walked eight batters and struck out six, and he was aided by excellent fielding plays from second baseman Bill Mazeroski and center fielder Matty Alou.
As Ellis recounted:
I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the [catcher’s] glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters, and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes, I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.
Ellis reported that he never used LSD during the season again, though he continued to use amphetamines. After the story was made public, he said he regretted taking LSD that day because it “robbed him of his greatest professional memory.”

The Bank Just Figured Out How To Get You To Like It More. A Dancing Robot


Should you find yourself both in Calgary and in need of a bank, there’s a chance you could be greeted by…that thing.

ATB Financial has teamed up with SoftBank Robotics America to unleash Pepper, a friendly 3-wheeled robot designed to make the banking experience better or something. They say that she is capable of recognizing human emotions (that ought to be fun) and that her purpose is to “draw more people into the bank and provide them with a fun and engaging experience that keeps them coming back.”

Alrighty.

Pepper’s interactions will be fairly basic at first.
The three-wheeled robot will be able to dance, recommend products and services, pose for selfies and interact with people via a mounted touch screen tablet, or verbally in several different languages.

I like how they just sorta slip recommend products and services in there between all the pictures and the dancing and the interactivity.

Why is this happening? Why is the bank becoming an arcade with ads? That’s because the company’s research (Research I say!) has shown that people think banks kinda suck.

ATB Financial says it partnered with SoftBank Robotics America after customer research found many people carry a lack of trust and high levels of discomfort in dealing with the banking industry.

“We found out that there’s some people who don’t really love banking, and don’t love coming into banks,” Boga said. “We want to bring happiness to people using banking.”

You know what would make people happy about the bank? Being honest and fair with them and not dinging the everloving bejeezling shit out of them on every transaction, you motherfuckers! Or you could let them take selfies with a commercial slinging robot that knows their names. Whatever works.

“Wait wait wait…what’d you just say, Steve?”

Well, I was about to say that option two sounds a lot like something somebody who just “found out” that a not insignificant number of folks believe that dealing with giant financial institutions traverses the universe in search of new dicks to suck would do, but I get the sense you’re wondering about something else.

“Yes, we are. What was that thing about our names?”

Oh that.

Yes, eventually the plan is that Pepper will know everything in order to shill more efficiently.

But ATB has hinted that Pepper’s functionality could eventually be expanded by connecting it to an artificially intelligent system. This would allow the robot to perform biometric authentication via the camera installed in its head, making it possible for Pepper to address customers by name and provide them with personalized banking recommendations based on their stored customer information.

You know, that personal, one-on-one service in every bank commercial you’ve ever seen.

The company insists that Pepper is not intended to replace human jobs, but rather to allow the human staff to engage on a more personal level with customers. As for what exactly that means, you’ve got me. A bit of small talk and some attempted upselling pretty well sums up every meeting with a bank human I’ve ever had, so I’m not sure what’s left. And now that I think about it, none of them have ever done a little dance and taken a picture with me at the end, so advantage robot.

If I were a banking human I just got a wee bit nervous, and I may have also signed up for some dance classes and photography lessons on my way home. You know, so I’ll at least have the smallest snowball’s chance of keeping that job I’m totally not being automated out of.