Assault And Vinegar

What goes better with dip than chips?

A South Carolina man turned violent in a dispute over salt-and-vinegar potato chips, authorities said.
Ryan Dean Langdale, 19, had warned his 17-year-old cousin not to eat his chips, but when his relative did, Langdale shot him, authorities said Wednesday.
“Do not touch my chips, or I’ll shoot you,” the cousin said Langdale had warned him, the Post and Courier of Charleston reported.

The charges of attempted murder and using a firearm in a violent crime that Langdale was going to be facing anyway would have been bad enough, but he managed to compound his stupidity and tack on one for obstruction of justice by tampering with the crime scene and trying to claim that the shooting was the result of a self-inflicted cleaning it and it went off accident.

Maybe he was cleaning out all the chip dust?

A Jarring Experience

When Alfonzo Stanley’s daughter made the mistake of eating some of his food, the 50-year-old reacted in the calm, understanding manner in which one would expect a father to react. He brained her with a jar of Doritos Nacho Cheese Dip.

Wait, Doritos makes cheese dip? I didn’t know that.

According to his arrest report, 50-year-old Alfonzo Stanley told police he hit his adult daughter because she was trying to eat his food.
Stanley’s daughter told police she tried to replace the food after her father said it was his, but he attacked her and slammed a glass jar of Doritos Nacho Cheese Dip into the left side of her face, the report said.
When police interviewed the woman at a friend’s apartment in the same complex she was holding a blood-soaked towel against the side of her face and had multiple cuts. The woman was taken to University Medical Center and needed a total of 40 stitches.

When police talked to Stanley, he said that the reason he hit her with the jar is because it was there. Had his cane been the first thing he saw, he told them, he would have hit her with that instead.

Good thing they weren’t near the car.

Stanley was taken into custody and charged with one count of domestic battery resulting in substantial bodily harm.

Parents Know All

Gill seems to be recovered from her surgery and back in action, although she’s not talking about that here.

It is a known fact that one can’t outsmart their parents. Whether you’re four and you eat that entire plateful of delicious chocolate chip cookies or sixteen and some bottles are no longer in the liquor cabinet, they know.

What’s My Point?

A few weeks ago I was facing some issues and feeling really sad. It must be a parental thing, because in a majority of e-mails my dad sent me he would include something to make me laugh or at least smile.

For Those Who Don’t know

My dad is a very soft spoken guy born in 1943, but his sense of humor is as big as his heart. Somehow he knows the right things for the right moment to cheer me up.

Something About Mom

My mom has style, and I’m not just saying that because I’m her daughter. She knows the right things to wear, how to decorate, and all about complimentary colors. We even share a love of neutral colors and unique decorating ideas. She also gets and empathizes with me on things, E.G. when my sister went in to this expensive boutique and I felt uncomfortable, she and I just sat together listening to music the next day.

Conclusion

So whether you think you got away with throwing that party in your house when your folks went to Europe, or you don’t think they get you, they do. You’d be surprised the next time your mom takes you for lunch at that little Italian place and knows you love the spaghetti Mario.

Where Did That Fifteen Years Go

  • Instagram
  • Snapchat
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • YouTube

That is a short and very incomplete list of websites that the Vomit Comet is both older and slightly less popular than. I was going to make a MySpace joke here, but apparently it beat us online by a couple of months and is rumoured to still exist.

But yeah. Fifteen years. Not bad for a dumb little blog that most of the world wouldn’t miss were it to suddenly disappear tomorrow. Having said that though, thanks to everyone who would miss it. Whether you stop in every day, swing by once in a blue moon to see if we’re still alive or came around once, got mad about something and swore never to come back, we’re glad you’re here. All of you being here is the reason that we’re still here. That and we like the sound of our own voices, but whatever.

Thanks to everyone who has said nice things to me over the years that I really don’t deserve. Thanks to everyone who has said nice things to Carin over the years too. She does deserve them, because Carin is awesome. Thanks to everyone who wonders who the hell Matt is. He’s this guy, for the record. You should listen to his podcasts. They’re pretty good. They’re especially good because he doesn’t have to spell anything. Thanks to the people who send in jokes and stories and things. There are less of them these days because everything that used to go around by email goes around by Facebook now, but I appreciate the ones I do get even if I don’t use them all. And to the search engines that started obscuring all of the search queries, thanks for nothing, you tools. You killed “You Are Here?”, and I’m still not over it.

Here’s to another fifteen years, I hope.

Who Are You And What Am I Voting For

Although I obviously care very much about what happens in Kitchener seeing as I live here and whatnot, I’ll freely admit to not always being as up on local politics as I’d like to be. That said, I still intend on voting in the municipal election this month, because not voting in elections is one of those things I don’t really care for.

Also on the list of things I don’t really care for is voting in elections while not knowing shit from shinola, so in that spirit, I shall offer up a few handy pages to hopefully help all of us along when it comes to making informed decisions.

First up, the Kitchener Post asked everyone running for Mayor and city Council a single question: Why should the public vote for you? Though it’s only one question, it’s helpful. It’s helped me make one decision and has me questioning the other. The page is broken down by ward, so you won’t have to waste a bunch of time sifting through a pile of responses that don’t apply to you if that’s not your thing. And don’t worry. If you’re sitting there right now all like “What’s a ward?”, there’s a map for that.

Moving on from the city to the region, the CBC sent a five question survey to the four candidates running for Regional Chair. Their responses are here. They too are helpful.

I haven’t yet been able to find things similar to these for Regional Council or school board representatives, but if I do I’ll add them here. In the meantime, you can also check out WRVotes.com for all sorts of election info for Kitchener and beyond.

See you on October 22nd, if not sooner.

Go To Your Home!

This is perhaps the best baseball meltdown I’ve ever seen.

Late in a tied ballgame between the Chicago Dogs and the Fargo-Moorhead RedHawks of the American Association of Independent Professional Baseball, umpire Mike Jarboe punched out Metzger on a called third strike. Metzger was so furious that he got in Jarboe’s face, got himself tossed, then returned to the scene of the crime carrying a new house for Jarboe.

That new house, in case you can’t see the video, was a garbage can which he set down by home plate before loudly imploring umpire Jarboe to “Go to your home!”

Glorious!

Social Security, Maximum Security, What’s The Difference

I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’ve found something even dumber than having your own name tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. That something? Having your Social Security number tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. At least with your name, there’s a chance the police might be thrown off your trail for a minute or two by the albeit slim possibility that there might be two Bob Smiths in red shirts out knocking over variety stores on a Tuesday. But your Social? That’s you, dude.

It doesn’t take much sleuthing to identify this suspect after he commits a crime, according to police in Houston, Texas.
That’s because Robert Charles Wooten, 40, has what a December 2017 police report described as “distinctive tattoos” on has face.
And “distinctive” is a polite way to describe it. After all, what could be more distinct than a person’s one-of-a-kind Social Security number?
“They’re calling this guy ‘Social Security’ because he actually has his Social Security (number) tattooed across his forehead,” Houston police investigator Frank Heenan told KPRC.

Most recently, that self-identifying tattoo inked onto his face placed Wooten at the scene of a string of at least three armed robberies in Houston late last year, according to Harris County court filings.

Wooten is no stranger to law enforcement, if Harris County court records are any indication.

In July 2017, Wooten was caught exposing his genitals to someone against their will and was charged with indecent exposure. Wooten pleaded guilty.
Beyond that incident, Wooten has been charged with everything from theft to trespassing to violating protective orders to drug crimes, according to Harris County Court records.
“He’s notorious,” Heenan told KPRC, particularly in a handful of Houston neighborhoods.

Oh, and a big thank you to the police for explaining why they’re calling him Social Security down at the station. That’s some pretty high concept nicknaming that I don’t think most of us would have understood otherwise.

Telefirst? More Like Teleworst


This is an interesting enough video if you’re wanting to learn a little about the over the air pay TV services that existed in the days before everybody had cable or a dish, but the best part for me is the last few minutes where they start talking about Telefirst.

Telefirst operated in Chicago for around five months in 1984. It likely would have lasted at least a little bit longer had it not been one hell of a terribly executed idea even by 1980s technological standards.

Let’s see. I can either drive to the store and rent a video because that’s a somewhat affordable thing to do now, or I can drop a few hundred bucks on a VCR and then pay this company $25 a month for a service so impossibly inconvenient that I have to stay up until the wee hours of the morning six days a week to make sure all of the shows record properly. But even though I’m already up anyway, I can’t just watch the shows live on television because the decoding process is fully reliant on the VCR. Oh, and the tapes stop working whenever the descrambler codes change, which happens seemingly at random. And you can’t rewind or skip anything efficiently because the descrambler isn’t fast enough to keep up with those functions on the VCR. Hmmmm…what ever shall I do?

It’s pretty obvious what they were trying to achieve here (simultaneous consumer convenience and movie studio comfort), but yeesh, what a way to get there. But you never know if you never try, I suppose.

A Few Quick Jokes

These are dumb. What’s your point?

*Did you hear about the depressed dyslexic?

He threw himself behind a bus.

*Q: Where do people go when they have two broken legs?

A: Nowhere.

*Q: What sound do porcupines make when they hug?

A: Ouch!

*”Son, what does your daddy do for a living,” asked the teacher.

“My daddy’s dead,” the boy replied.

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“Grabbed his chest and fell over.”

With Friends Like These…

Update:
There’s a less than zero chance that the tweet cited in this post came from a fake account. My apologies for not catching that if that is indeed the case, although I’m far from the only one who bought it.

This, however, does not change the main point of what I wrote. What this guy did, tweet or no tweet, was still incredibly stupid.

Original Post:
Regardless of which side of the abortion debate you’re on, I hope we can all come together and agree that our boy Jordan Hunt here is a god damned idiot.

“I meant to kick your phone”?

Come on, man. You’re the one saying that a person should be in charge of her own body and future. You’re supposed to be the smart one here, especially when compared with the what if a rape victim kills her 3-year-old argument that this woman was making. Do better, please.

And lest you think he said a stupid thing in the heat of the moment and immediately thought better of it…

In case he ever does wise up and deletes that, it says “For all wondering, i did not mean to kick her, i only meant to kick the phone out of her hand. but you haters don’t care about the truth. smh”

Don’t care about the truth, you say? What truth don’t we care about, Jordan? That you’re giving the anti-choice crowd, the ones who like to stand outside of abortion clinics so they can scream horrible abuse at women who are making one of the hardest decisions of their lives, ammunition to paint the rest of us as violent, extremist morons? As a reasonable person, I absolutely care about that.

Investigators told CP24 that the incident occurred on the afternoon of Sept. 30, at the intersection of Bloor Street West and Keele Street in the Toronto’s west end.
In the video – that has since gone viral on YouTube – a man in a purple hooded sweater with a flower behind his ear is seen confronting a group of mostly female anti-abortionist activists holding signs on the sidewalk. He asks the woman filming him about her opinion of impregnated rape victims choosing abortion.

“If somebody gets raped by somebody and they’re like ‘I’m a 16-year-old and I can’t have this baby’ think you should keep it?” he asks her.
“It’s a baby,” the woman behind the camera is heard responding.
As she starts to further explain her position, the man in the purple sweater sticks out his tongue and kicks her. The camera then loses focus.
In the background, voices can be heard shouting to call the police while the man says he meant to “kick her phone.”

Police say they’re investigating, but no charges have been filed yet.