If I’m Not Back In Five Minutes, I’m Probably In The Tank

Update: Carin tells me this needs a soundtrack. She’s right.

Police in Lincoln, Neb., took a man into custody Saturday after he smashed a car into a tree and a retaining wall while driving with his head out of the window “like Ace Ventura.”

The driver “informed officers that he crashed because of inoperable windshield wipers, which forced him to drive with his head out of the window, ‘like Ace Ventura’ due to the rain,” the report said.
The man was apparently referring to scenes from the 1994 movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, starring Canadian actor Jim Carrey. Carrey was forced to drive his vehicle with his head out of the window due to a smashed windshield.

I don’t want to alarm you, but it appears libations may have been involved.

He fled the scene of the crash, but when police caught up with him and had a chance to test his blood alcohol content, it came in at .137.

Seems You Can Make Wine In An Instant Pot. Sold!

We have some friends who enjoy talking about how much they love their Instant Pots, but as cool as they sound, so far getting one of our own hasn’t’ been something we’ve been in much of a hurry to investigate. But if this is true, I’ll be at the store. How To Make Instant Pot Wine

All you need, it says here, is a 64oz bottle of Welch’s grape juice (I don’t know what that is in metric because I’m terrible at math plus I grew up in that generation where metric was kind of new so everything was this weird combination of pounds and Celsius), sugar, Lalvin red or white wine yeast, a funnel, some clear packing tape, an Instant Pot that has a yogurt function and about 10 days.

Wait what? Ten days? But how will I eat?!

Don’t panic. You won’t have to leave your wine in the pot all that time. After the first couple of days it looks like you move to the bottling phase, so you should still be able to pressure cook everything in sight.

But is it any good?

Does it matter?

According to our lord and saviour and a couple of his friends, it isn’t bad. It smells of chocolate and cherries and has “a very palatable wine taste.”

Yeah, that’ll work. Hard to argue with a glowing endorsement like that.

If any of you try this, let me know how it goes. Assuming you ever bother sobering up again, of course.

I Can’t Wait To See My Old Flame…And Then Piss It Out


A friendly chap by the name of Michael Allen Haag seems to have had himself quite the time during a recent plane ride from Denver to Charleston, according to reports. The people around him? Probably not so much.

Witnesses gave an FBI agent these accounts of a harrowing flight from Denver on Thursday night, according to an arrest affidavit:
During the first two rounds of drink orders, Haag bought double shots of vodka and tonic.
At some point, he turned to a woman sitting next to him and described being “physically excited” to visit an old girlfriend in Charleston. The passenger threw on some headphones and tried to sleep.

But as Haag asked the woman about her relationship with her husband and looked at her legs, she later told the FBI, she grew “more and more uncomfortable.”
Haag then turned to another woman, who was asleep when she felt Haag touching her fingers. She lifted her head from her tray and found Haag looking away, “very agitated and shuffling things.”
He touched her leg, she later said.
“Stop touching me,” she yelled, as Haag leaned toward her and apologized. “Back off.”
After she said Haag touched her leg again, the woman stood and yelled for a flight attendant. 
The flight crew ushered Haag to the back row of the plane, where another woman reported seeing him urinate on the seat in front of him.
The woman snapped a picture, then screamed.

This, I do believe, would be the photo in question. You’re welcome, and I’m sorry.

Haag faces a charge of indecent exposure that could carry with it a sentence of 90 days should he be convicted, but that’s the least of his worries. He was also hit with a felony count for interfering with a flight crew. That one could net him up to 20 years.

I hope that was some good vodka, my man.

It’s One, Two Hit-And-Runs And You’re Out AT The Old Ball Game

We live in a world where not everything is just and not everyone gets justice. But many times there is justice, even if sometimes that justice takes half a century and is kind of cold-hearted and weird.

In 1968, Douglas Parkhurst killed 4-year-old Carolee Ashby in a hit-and-run, or at least he’s pretty sure he did. He was drunk at the time, he said in a confession he wrote once he knew he could no longer be prosecuted for it.

Now, 50 years later, this has happened.

A Vietnam War veteran who confessed five years ago to killing a 4-year-old girl in a 1968 hit-and-run was trying to protect children when a woman drove her car onto a little league baseball field in Maine during a game, striking and killing him. Screaming bystanders and ballplayers fled as Carol Sharrow, of Sanford, drove through an open gate onto the field Friday night, police said.
Video shows the car driving around the infield, turning over home plate and then heading toward the stands behind third base.
Douglas Parkhurst, of West Newfield, was near the park’s main gate before he was hit and Sharrow sped away, police said. Parkhurst, who a coach said was the grandfather of one of the players, died on the way to the hospital. No one else was hurt.

The woman, whose name I will point out is only a couple of E’s away from making this even stranger, has been convicted twice in the past for drunk driving. Police wouldn’t confirm whether she was in similar condition at the time of the incident, but it seems hard to blame anyone who would be inclined to think so.

Bottle Of Wine, Fruit Of The Vine. Who Am I Gonna Have To Run Over


You know how it is. It’s morning, you’re hammered, and gosh darn it, you’re plumb out of refreshments. What to do…what to do? You could call it a night, of course. How are you going to do it all again this afternoon if you don’t sleep now, right? But if you feel you absolutely must keep the party going, you could always do what this resourceful Russian fellow did and drive a stolen armoured military vehicle right through a goddamn store window.

Struggling to turn around in a narrow street, the man, whom witnesses described as being drunk, proceeded to slam the tank into the window of the “Family” convenience store, the news agency said.
He also crushed a Daewoo car parked nearby, images showed.
Footage shared on social media showed the man subsequently exiting the vehicle through its hatch, briefly inspecting the damage, and entering the shop through the broken window.
He was later arrested in possession of a stolen bottle of wine, Hibinform said. The shop was not licensed to sell alcohol that early in the morning, the agency added.

When I’m Done, We’ll Both Be Exhausted

A Kansas man who has not yet been identified since formal charges of misdemeanor lewd and lascivious behaviour have not yet been filed was arrested this week after being found attempting to have drunken sex with a car.

Police in Newton, a city 25 miles north of Wichita, responded Tuesday to a 911 call about a naked man beneath an automobile. The 24-year-old suspect, cops discovered, was trying to place his penis into the car’s tailpipe.
The naked man was “oblivious” when contacted by cops, said Lieutenant Scott Powell of the Newton Police Department. Despite the presence of cops, the suspect continued to try and have sex with the tailpipe, said Powell, who added that the man was eventually tased and taken into custody.

Police measured his blood alcohol content at .35, which is, in technical terms, a looooooooooooot! Because of this, he was taken to hospital for treatment.

Not much is known about the car, but let’s hope it’s ok.

Three Cheers, Three Offenses, What’s The Difference?

Sometimes, it pays to demonstrate your knowledge in a certain subject. Maybe you don’t have to take courses again if you can show you understand the subject matter. When the subject matter is taking field sobriety tests, though, it might be smarter to keep that knowledge a secret.

Andrea Rego, for reasons unknown, decided to pick up her niece from cheerleading practice while obviously drunk. The kid’s mom was already on her way, but that didn’t stop Rego from scooping up the niece and driving off.

After police were called by the people who run cheerleading practice, Rego did her best impression of a kid going “nana nana boo boo, you can’t catch me!” at them, stopping long enough for police to get out of their car and then taking off again.

Since police don’t take kindly to games, they boxed her in and arrested her, also discovering that she had an open bottle of vodka in the car with her. At the station, they asked her to do the stand on one leg test. Instead of doing that, she did the 9 step and turn test, which they didn’t ask her to do. Oops. This made them look into her record a little further, piling on some fresh new charges since this was her third offense, not her second.

At the end of it all, they sent her back to prison since she was already serving another sentence for something else. It must have been one of those serving on weekends deals since there were no charges referencing breaking out of prison.

I wonder if she’ll try to say she was attempting to reenact some part of her niece’s cheerleading routine.

My Love For This Team Is A Burning Love. To The Second And Third Degree, To Be Specific


There’s nothing wrong with making a friendly wager on a sporting event. I’ve been known to bet a few bucks or a dinner here and there. And if fire didn’t scare the living shit out of me and if the things weren’t so god damned expensive, I could maaaaaaaaaaybe see myself making a loser burns the jersey bet like this couple made on last weekend’s Cowboys Packers game. I could also see myself perhaps getting a little buzzed up while watching said Cowboys Packers game because hey, why not? But what I absolutely, positively, 100% cannot see myself doing is lighting the poor sumbitch on fire and then putting it on.

A witness told Sebastian Daily, “He was set on fire after losing a bet on the Cowboys game … Skin was hanging off his arm and back.”
The man suffered third-degree burns on his right arm and right hand and second-degree burns to his back.
When the woman’s team won, her husband went outside to light his jersey on fire. He told deputies that he was drunk and tried to put the jersey on while it was burning.
Family members pulled the jersey off the man at the Vero Beach residence and rushed him to the Indian River Medical Center.

I Can’t Blow, But I Sure Do Suck

Initially I just tweeted this story out and was prepared to leave it at that, but the longer I allow it to turn itself about in my brain the stronger the urge becomes to memorialize the stupidity at work here because sometimes, the simplest mistakes are also the dumbest mistakes.

I do not have asthma. I know people who do, but generally it isn’t something we talk about. I say this in order to make it clear that I have no firsthand understanding of the sorts of limitations that asthma can potentially put on a person. But from the little I do know, I can imagine that it might make certain tasks difficult at best and impossible at worst. Tasks such as blowing into a tube, like the ones connected to those breath testing devices the police have, for instance. They make you blow fairly hard into those things as I understand it, so perhaps it’s reasonable that asthma might make it hard for a sufferer to comply if asked.

Adam Horn at least thought that far ahead when he found himself in just such a situation. I don’t want to see anyone skate on an impaired driving charge he deserves, but good job, buddy. Credit where it’s due.

But then. Oh then.

Adam Horn, pulled over in Waterloo just after midnight on March 18, 2015, smelled of alcohol, his trial heard. An OPP officer asked him to blow into a tube connected to an alcohol screening device.
Horn’s cheeks were “sucked in” and the officer heard no sounds of air and no tone from the device. Three more attempts were made with the same result.
When Horn, 28, was arrested, “he threw his head back in exasperation,” Justice Gary Hearn said on Thursday. The police officer quoted Horn as saying, “Come on, I have asthma.”
“The officer noted Mr. Horn had no struggles with breathing or talking,” Hearn said.

The asthma allegation is not supported by evidence and is “self-serving in the extreme,” the judge said. “There’s nothing to indicate that that issue, if it was an issue at all, compromised Mr. Horn’s ability to provide a proper sample.
“Indeed, shortly after that comment was made, Mr. Horn requested and was given permission to have a cigarette, which he did without apparent difficulty.”

Jesus, you idiot. I want my credit back. I mean come on, man.

He was convicted of failing/refusing to provide a breath sample, fined $1,000 and banned from driving for a year. Assuming he’s similar to others I’ve met in his position, he should be able to bitch about it all with minimal effort, asthma or no asthma.

It’s Ice Beer! I Have To Get To It Before It Warms Up!

I swear this has happened before, but since for the life of me I can neither remember when nor find reference to it, for now we must judge Michael Casteel and Michael Casteel alone for his poor choices.

Running into a burning building in a frantic attempt to make a rescue is arguably a poor choice, but if he pulls it off he’s a hero who just saved a life, so I’ll give him a pass.

Pushing past emergency responders to get in? Not such a good idea unless they’re incompetent. They usually aren’t, but hey, you never know, right? We weren’t there. Maybe he’s a hero about to save a life.

So whose life means so much to this brave, selfless man that he is willing to risk life, limb and possible arrest to save it? His name is Bud. Bud Ice.

A South Dakota man was arrested yesterday afternoon after he pushed past police and firefighters so that he could “save” his beer inside an apartment building that was aflame.
Michael Casteel, 56, was collared outside his home, a multifamily residence in Sioux Falls. As emergency workers were treating other building residents for injuries, Casteel, cops say, persisted in trying to reenter the building to retrieve beer from his apartment.
Casteel succeeded in returning to his home, where he grabbed two cans of Bud Ice Premium, cops say.

It would be pretty easy and perhaps not entirely unfair to sit here and pick on Mr. Casteel simply for his choice of beer because Bud Ice is kind of no good and you should only do something this dumb to save worthwhile alcohol, but you know what? People like what they like, or at least can afford what they can afford. Poor choice yes, but today we’re going to go against the saying and emphasize quantity over quality. For while we could sit here and judge his tastes all day long, at the end of the day he did this for two lousy cans. Two! Lousy! Cans! That, my friends, is the real problem here. If you’re going to be this big an idiot, at least run out with no less than a two four.

He was arrested, of course. Police charged him with obstructing a firefighter or law enforcement official and took him to the cooler. There he sits in lieu of $300 bond, which makes my affordability theory seem pretty sound.

As you may have surmised, this is not Casteel’s first alcohol-related run-in with authorities. His record includes at least one open container violation and a drunk driving charge, and at the time of this beer episode he was found to be violating the terms of a sobriety program in which he was enrolled.