Please Don’t Swing On The Hydro Lines, Say Officials To People They Think Might Somehow Understand Words

I’m not sure what the stupidest thing I’ve done while drunk is. Not because I’m usually too far gone to remember things like that, but because generally speaking I’m not the kind of person who does a lot that could be classified as seriously, terminally dumb. For instance, it’s rather unlikely that you’ll ever find …

Guh. Kids These Days. Or Maybe Not

Woman faces impaired charges after collision with three-year-old in minivan: police My first question upon seeing this headline is probably the same one you have. What in the world was a three-year-old doing driving a minivan? The answer, of course, is it wasn’t. This is just another in the never ending parade of poorly written …

I Told You I’d Beat The Pulp Out Of You

I imagine this particular pumpkin was likely meant for carving, but I’m still counting its fate as a food feud because roasted pumpkin seeds are yummy and because pumpkin pie exists. Police say that when they responded to the couple’s Largo residence, the victim was “covered in pumpkin seeds and pulp.” Garisto, cops noted, was …

Do This, Don’t Do That, Can’t You Read The Sign?

This one contains exactly what it says on the tin…er…make that the can. Or perhaps the bottle. Could be the frosty mug, too. Those sometimes have things printed on them. Drunk driver arrested after crashing into ‘Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over’ sign A North Port man was arrested for DUI Sunday after crashing his …

Barf! These Ice Cubes Taste Like Coors!

This is one of those things I’m surprised doesn’t happen more often. Or does it but the rare part is the perpetrator being caught? Maybe it’s best not to think about it. Enjoy your night out. A nightclub patron relieved himself into a commercial ice maker early Saturday, according to Florida police who arrested the …

He Totally Blew His Stackhouse

I missed this story last year. While it’s an absolutely awful one, it checks too many of our boxes here for me not to mention it. It seems that Travis Stackhouse was given some cheesecake for Father’s Day. He had one piece, and then some of the damn kids got into it. This upset him, …

He Was Not Charged With False Advertising, For Some Reason

I’m a little late to the party, but I still feel that it is my duty to inform you that a Daniel Sober has been arrested for failing to live up to his moniker. Daniel Sober, 44, was busted Saturday evening for drunk driving following a police stop near his home in Lower Burrell, a …

Let’s Go Out For A Beer And An Extra Car

I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that’s not why I’m having trouble coming up with a good way for Justin Sproul to defend himself here. It was just after 11 p.m., and the truck appeared to be towing a vehicle. But this pickup was not a tow truck. After having confirmed no rear …

What Kind Of Clown Comes Up With A Story Like That?

There is exactly one believable thing about the story Philip Moreton told when caught trying to smuggle a cell phone into a maximum security prison via drone. I bet he really did drink that litre of vodka. The 33-year-old was heard rustling in the undergrowth after prison officers chased the 70mph drone away from the …

This Bud’s For You. This Warrant? Not So Much

Good on Billy Bob Hall for doing the right thing and turning himself in to police so that he could take care of his warrants. But perhaps before he started in on the liquid courage, he should have made sure those warrants existed. They didn’t. Billy Bob Hall, 59, thought he was the subject of …