Take It Out AT The Ball Game

So this is a thing that happened at a baseball game a few weeks ago. Angry fan at Mets game threatens young family and exposes himself to the kids

The incident happened in the ninth inning of the Mets’ 9-0 victory over the Phillies Tuesday night, when 20-year-old Richard Patrylo asked the father if he could use his phone, cops said.
The dad, 39, who was watching the game with his wife, 12-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter, said no — at which point the suspect lashed out, police said.
“I will f–k up your entire family!” he allegedly yelled, then dropped his pants, exposing his genitals.

Police say that Patrylo, who comes from Inwood, Long Island (which is great comedy for the 12-year-old in all of us), was drinking during the game, which comes as no surprise and honestly a bit of a relief.

He was charged with acting in a manner injurious to a child and public lewdness, charges that on the surface should be hard to fight since the victim’s son is said to have filmed everything on his own phone. No, I don’t have the video.

Guess I Don’t Have To Tell You To Spread ‘Em

Haven’t had a good old fashioned dumb ass public sex story in a while. This’ll work.

Cops say that Gary Hill and Crystal Frances had shared a pint of vodka before they began trysting in public. Cops learned about the coupling around 9 PM from a female passerby who reported that a duo was poised to have sex in front of headquarters.
When a patrolman went outside to investigate, he spotted the 46-year-old Hill with his pants down having sex with Frances (who was not wearing pants or underwear). The couple, lying down on the sidewalk, was “actively engaging in sexual intercourse,” police charge.

Yes, headquarters is indeed a reference to a headquarters of the police variety. Why wouldn’t it be?

When police questioned him, Hill offered an entirely logical explanation for what happened.

“I’m horny. She was giving it up to me right then and there.”

Unfortunately for hill, the police weren’t having any of his strike while the iron is hot defense and decided to charge him with indecent exposure and jail him on $7500 bond instead of letting him finish. They were also seemingly uninterested in his statement that this is “a Key West moment,” although I’m sure the tourism department is suddenly in a rush to do up some new license plates.

Frances hadn’t been arrested at the time of this report. She was deemed too intoxicated for that at the scene and taken to a hospital to dry out instead.

Man, It’s Like A Parking Lot Out Here

You ever hear the expression go big or go home? Well, hitting 47 cars while you’re out on the town definitely qualifies as going big, but Christopher Paolissi clearly should have gone home. Maybe should never have left there, actually.

Paolissi was arrested Tuesday afternoon near the intersection of Elmwood and Lexington avenues, after Lt. John Ryan said Paolissi hit at least 47 cars. Only one vehicle had someone in it.
Jordan Pinas told NBC 10 he was sitting in a car on Sumter Street when Paolissi allegedly smashed the side of it and continued driving.

According to police, Paolissi was zigzagging through south Providence, sideswiping dozens of vehicles. Police said when they saw Paolissi driving a red pickup truck, he was going about 15 to 20 mph.

He was taken to hospital with minor injuries and also charged with driving under the influence, reckless driving and failing to stop during an accident.

You May Flash The Waitress

I don’t know if it’s all uphill or downhill from here, but married life is definitely off to a rough start for you when day one consists of drunkenly, creepily and forcefully trying for some sexy time with a teenage waitress in a bathroom and fighting with the resulting police officers at your own wedding.

Citing police documents, CBS reported police responded to an indecent assault on a minor at a country club. Authorities say that’s where Aimers allegedly forced himself on a waitress just hours after tying the knot.

According to a criminal complaint, Aimers made advances on the teen throughout the evening, and “asked her to go outside and make out,” telling her “we can do whatever you want.” The victim declined and told the groom she was there to work.
According to the Inquirer, Aimers followed the underage girl into the women’s washroom later in the evening, where he pulled the girl into stall, exposed himself and tried to sexually assault her. The girl tried to pull away from the man and he continued “to proposition her,” according to police documents. The girl was able to break free from the man and got herself out of the washroom.

Aimers was also charged with simple assault, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after police say he fought officers responding to a brawl at the reception.

A worker alleged Aimers punched him after he tried to stop him from bringing alcohol outside.

The charges mentioned in the snip go along with the counts of indecent assault, indecent exposure and false imprisonment of a minor related to his failed attempt at lining up a mistress.

Lawyer Louis Busico says that his client, Matthew Aimers, “completely maintains his innocence on all charges.”

That’s nice and all, but I’d really like to hear from the bride about now. You almost never hear from the other half when something like this goes down. That’s likely for the best since they’re probably suffering enough as it is, but just once I’d kind of like to get their perspective on things.

Take This Whiskey, Mr. President. It’s Great Whiskey. The Best Whiskey

I can’t say I fully understand the thought process here because Trump has said many times that he doesn’t drink, but the wife bit does make some sense. He has had three of them, after all. Clearly he knows something about the subject. Then again I’m sure being a pretend billionaire/successful businessman probably had a hand in helping that along, so this trip really does seem like a whole lot of trouble for zero return on investment.

Fox News is reporting that on Wednesday a Canadian man was arrested on suspicion of moving White House security barriers. 
According to authorities, Yianny Georgopoulos said he wanted to deliver two bottles of Crown Royal whiskey to President Trump and solicit advice on how to find a wife. 
Authorities said Georgopoulos moved a bike rack that had posted warnings that the area was off limits after midnight.  
Authorities said he reportedly exited the area after several commands to do so by the Secret Service.

He was charged with unlawful entry, which apparently isn’t his first run-in with the law. He also told police that he had recently been arrested for stalking one of his cousins and threatening other family members. That arrest had nothing to do with the morning White House wife search, I hope.

If I’m Not Back In Five Minutes, I’m Probably In The Tank

Update: Carin tells me this needs a soundtrack. She’s right.

Police in Lincoln, Neb., took a man into custody Saturday after he smashed a car into a tree and a retaining wall while driving with his head out of the window “like Ace Ventura.”

The driver “informed officers that he crashed because of inoperable windshield wipers, which forced him to drive with his head out of the window, ‘like Ace Ventura’ due to the rain,” the report said.
The man was apparently referring to scenes from the 1994 movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, starring Canadian actor Jim Carrey. Carrey was forced to drive his vehicle with his head out of the window due to a smashed windshield.

I don’t want to alarm you, but it appears libations may have been involved.

He fled the scene of the crash, but when police caught up with him and had a chance to test his blood alcohol content, it came in at .137.

Seems You Can Make Wine In An Instant Pot. Sold!

We have some friends who enjoy talking about how much they love their Instant Pots, but as cool as they sound, so far getting one of our own hasn’t’ been something we’ve been in much of a hurry to investigate. But if this is true, I’ll be at the store. How To Make Instant Pot Wine

All you need, it says here, is a 64oz bottle of Welch’s grape juice (I don’t know what that is in metric because I’m terrible at math plus I grew up in that generation where metric was kind of new so everything was this weird combination of pounds and Celsius), sugar, Lalvin red or white wine yeast, a funnel, some clear packing tape, an Instant Pot that has a yogurt function and about 10 days.

Wait what? Ten days? But how will I eat?!

Don’t panic. You won’t have to leave your wine in the pot all that time. After the first couple of days it looks like you move to the bottling phase, so you should still be able to pressure cook everything in sight.

But is it any good?

Does it matter?

According to our lord and saviour and a couple of his friends, it isn’t bad. It smells of chocolate and cherries and has “a very palatable wine taste.”

Yeah, that’ll work. Hard to argue with a glowing endorsement like that.

If any of you try this, let me know how it goes. Assuming you ever bother sobering up again, of course.

I Can’t Wait To See My Old Flame…And Then Piss It Out

A friendly chap by the name of Michael Allen Haag seems to have had himself quite the time during a recent plane ride from Denver to Charleston, according to reports. The people around him? Probably not so much.

Witnesses gave an FBI agent these accounts of a harrowing flight from Denver on Thursday night, according to an arrest affidavit:
During the first two rounds of drink orders, Haag bought double shots of vodka and tonic.
At some point, he turned to a woman sitting next to him and described being “physically excited” to visit an old girlfriend in Charleston. The passenger threw on some headphones and tried to sleep.

But as Haag asked the woman about her relationship with her husband and looked at her legs, she later told the FBI, she grew “more and more uncomfortable.”
Haag then turned to another woman, who was asleep when she felt Haag touching her fingers. She lifted her head from her tray and found Haag looking away, “very agitated and shuffling things.”
He touched her leg, she later said.
“Stop touching me,” she yelled, as Haag leaned toward her and apologized. “Back off.”
After she said Haag touched her leg again, the woman stood and yelled for a flight attendant. 
The flight crew ushered Haag to the back row of the plane, where another woman reported seeing him urinate on the seat in front of him.
The woman snapped a picture, then screamed.

This, I do believe, would be the photo in question. You’re welcome, and I’m sorry.

Haag faces a charge of indecent exposure that could carry with it a sentence of 90 days should he be convicted, but that’s the least of his worries. He was also hit with a felony count for interfering with a flight crew. That one could net him up to 20 years.

I hope that was some good vodka, my man.

It’s One, Two Hit-And-Runs And You’re Out AT The Old Ball Game

We live in a world where not everything is just and not everyone gets justice. But many times there is justice, even if sometimes that justice takes half a century and is kind of cold-hearted and weird.

In 1968, Douglas Parkhurst killed 4-year-old Carolee Ashby in a hit-and-run, or at least he’s pretty sure he did. He was drunk at the time, he said in a confession he wrote once he knew he could no longer be prosecuted for it.

Now, 50 years later, this has happened.

A Vietnam War veteran who confessed five years ago to killing a 4-year-old girl in a 1968 hit-and-run was trying to protect children when a woman drove her car onto a little league baseball field in Maine during a game, striking and killing him. Screaming bystanders and ballplayers fled as Carol Sharrow, of Sanford, drove through an open gate onto the field Friday night, police said.
Video shows the car driving around the infield, turning over home plate and then heading toward the stands behind third base.
Douglas Parkhurst, of West Newfield, was near the park’s main gate before he was hit and Sharrow sped away, police said. Parkhurst, who a coach said was the grandfather of one of the players, died on the way to the hospital. No one else was hurt.

The woman, whose name I will point out is only a couple of E’s away from making this even stranger, has been convicted twice in the past for drunk driving. Police wouldn’t confirm whether she was in similar condition at the time of the incident, but it seems hard to blame anyone who would be inclined to think so.

Bottle Of Wine, Fruit Of The Vine. Who Am I Gonna Have To Run Over

You know how it is. It’s morning, you’re hammered, and gosh darn it, you’re plumb out of refreshments. What to do…what to do? You could call it a night, of course. How are you going to do it all again this afternoon if you don’t sleep now, right? But if you feel you absolutely must keep the party going, you could always do what this resourceful Russian fellow did and drive a stolen armoured military vehicle right through a goddamn store window.

Struggling to turn around in a narrow street, the man, whom witnesses described as being drunk, proceeded to slam the tank into the window of the “Family” convenience store, the news agency said.
He also crushed a Daewoo car parked nearby, images showed.
Footage shared on social media showed the man subsequently exiting the vehicle through its hatch, briefly inspecting the damage, and entering the shop through the broken window.
He was later arrested in possession of a stolen bottle of wine, Hibinform said. The shop was not licensed to sell alcohol that early in the morning, the agency added.