When I’m Done, We’ll Both Be Exhausted

A Kansas man who has not yet been identified since formal charges of misdemeanor lewd and lascivious behaviour have not yet been filed was arrested this week after being found attempting to have drunken sex with a car.

Police in Newton, a city 25 miles north of Wichita, responded Tuesday to a 911 call about a naked man beneath an automobile. The 24-year-old suspect, cops discovered, was trying to place his penis into the car’s tailpipe.
The naked man was “oblivious” when contacted by cops, said Lieutenant Scott Powell of the Newton Police Department. Despite the presence of cops, the suspect continued to try and have sex with the tailpipe, said Powell, who added that the man was eventually tased and taken into custody.

Police measured his blood alcohol content at .35, which is, in technical terms, a looooooooooooot! Because of this, he was taken to hospital for treatment.

Not much is known about the car, but let’s hope it’s ok.

Three Cheers, Three Offenses, What’s The Difference?

Sometimes, it pays to demonstrate your knowledge in a certain subject. Maybe you don’t have to take courses again if you can show you understand the subject matter. When the subject matter is taking field sobriety tests, though, it might be smarter to keep that knowledge a secret.

Andrea Rego, for reasons unknown, decided to pick up her niece from cheerleading practice while obviously drunk. The kid’s mom was already on her way, but that didn’t stop Rego from scooping up the niece and driving off.

After police were called by the people who run cheerleading practice, Rego did her best impression of a kid going “nana nana boo boo, you can’t catch me!” at them, stopping long enough for police to get out of their car and then taking off again.

Since police don’t take kindly to games, they boxed her in and arrested her, also discovering that she had an open bottle of vodka in the car with her. At the station, they asked her to do the stand on one leg test. Instead of doing that, she did the 9 step and turn test, which they didn’t ask her to do. Oops. This made them look into her record a little further, piling on some fresh new charges since this was her third offense, not her second.

At the end of it all, they sent her back to prison since she was already serving another sentence for something else. It must have been one of those serving on weekends deals since there were no charges referencing breaking out of prison.

I wonder if she’ll try to say she was attempting to reenact some part of her niece’s cheerleading routine.

My Love For This Team Is A Burning Love. To The Second And Third Degree, To Be Specific

There’s nothing wrong with making a friendly wager on a sporting event. I’ve been known to bet a few bucks or a dinner here and there. And if fire didn’t scare the living shit out of me and if the things weren’t so god damned expensive, I could maaaaaaaaaaybe see myself making a loser burns the jersey bet like this couple made on last weekend’s Cowboys Packers game. I could also see myself perhaps getting a little buzzed up while watching said Cowboys Packers game because hey, why not? But what I absolutely, positively, 100% cannot see myself doing is lighting the poor sumbitch on fire and then putting it on.

A witness told Sebastian Daily, “He was set on fire after losing a bet on the Cowboys game … Skin was hanging off his arm and back.”
The man suffered third-degree burns on his right arm and right hand and second-degree burns to his back.
When the woman’s team won, her husband went outside to light his jersey on fire. He told deputies that he was drunk and tried to put the jersey on while it was burning.
Family members pulled the jersey off the man at the Vero Beach residence and rushed him to the Indian River Medical Center.

I Can’t Blow, But I Sure Do Suck

Initially I just tweeted this story out and was prepared to leave it at that, but the longer I allow it to turn itself about in my brain the stronger the urge becomes to memorialize the stupidity at work here because sometimes, the simplest mistakes are also the dumbest mistakes.

I do not have asthma. I know people who do, but generally it isn’t something we talk about. I say this in order to make it clear that I have no firsthand understanding of the sorts of limitations that asthma can potentially put on a person. But from the little I do know, I can imagine that it might make certain tasks difficult at best and impossible at worst. Tasks such as blowing into a tube, like the ones connected to those breath testing devices the police have, for instance. They make you blow fairly hard into those things as I understand it, so perhaps it’s reasonable that asthma might make it hard for a sufferer to comply if asked.

Adam Horn at least thought that far ahead when he found himself in just such a situation. I don’t want to see anyone skate on an impaired driving charge he deserves, but good job, buddy. Credit where it’s due.

But then. Oh then.

Adam Horn, pulled over in Waterloo just after midnight on March 18, 2015, smelled of alcohol, his trial heard. An OPP officer asked him to blow into a tube connected to an alcohol screening device.
Horn’s cheeks were “sucked in” and the officer heard no sounds of air and no tone from the device. Three more attempts were made with the same result.
When Horn, 28, was arrested, “he threw his head back in exasperation,” Justice Gary Hearn said on Thursday. The police officer quoted Horn as saying, “Come on, I have asthma.”
“The officer noted Mr. Horn had no struggles with breathing or talking,” Hearn said.

The asthma allegation is not supported by evidence and is “self-serving in the extreme,” the judge said. “There’s nothing to indicate that that issue, if it was an issue at all, compromised Mr. Horn’s ability to provide a proper sample.
“Indeed, shortly after that comment was made, Mr. Horn requested and was given permission to have a cigarette, which he did without apparent difficulty.”

Jesus, you idiot. I want my credit back. I mean come on, man.

He was convicted of failing/refusing to provide a breath sample, fined $1,000 and banned from driving for a year. Assuming he’s similar to others I’ve met in his position, he should be able to bitch about it all with minimal effort, asthma or no asthma.

It’s Ice Beer! I Have To Get To It Before It Warms Up!

I swear this has happened before, but since for the life of me I can neither remember when nor find reference to it, for now we must judge Michael Casteel and Michael Casteel alone for his poor choices.

Running into a burning building in a frantic attempt to make a rescue is arguably a poor choice, but if he pulls it off he’s a hero who just saved a life, so I’ll give him a pass.

Pushing past emergency responders to get in? Not such a good idea unless they’re incompetent. They usually aren’t, but hey, you never know, right? We weren’t there. Maybe he’s a hero about to save a life.

So whose life means so much to this brave, selfless man that he is willing to risk life, limb and possible arrest to save it? His name is Bud. Bud Ice.

A South Dakota man was arrested yesterday afternoon after he pushed past police and firefighters so that he could “save” his beer inside an apartment building that was aflame.
Michael Casteel, 56, was collared outside his home, a multifamily residence in Sioux Falls. As emergency workers were treating other building residents for injuries, Casteel, cops say, persisted in trying to reenter the building to retrieve beer from his apartment.
Casteel succeeded in returning to his home, where he grabbed two cans of Bud Ice Premium, cops say.

It would be pretty easy and perhaps not entirely unfair to sit here and pick on Mr. Casteel simply for his choice of beer because Bud Ice is kind of no good and you should only do something this dumb to save worthwhile alcohol, but you know what? People like what they like, or at least can afford what they can afford. Poor choice yes, but today we’re going to go against the saying and emphasize quantity over quality. For while we could sit here and judge his tastes all day long, at the end of the day he did this for two lousy cans. Two! Lousy! Cans! That, my friends, is the real problem here. If you’re going to be this big an idiot, at least run out with no less than a two four.

He was arrested, of course. Police charged him with obstructing a firefighter or law enforcement official and took him to the cooler. There he sits in lieu of $300 bond, which makes my affordability theory seem pretty sound.

As you may have surmised, this is not Casteel’s first alcohol-related run-in with authorities. His record includes at least one open container violation and a drunk driving charge, and at the time of this beer episode he was found to be violating the terms of a sobriety program in which he was enrolled.

Hey, Ocifer? How’s About I Whoop Your Thumb And We Forget This Whole Thing?

It’s 6 A.M. on a Sunday morning and you’re fast asleep. In your car. While it’s running. In an intersection. Holding up an ambulance. Which calls the police. Who cannot wake you up. Even when they park right next to you and crank on the lights and siren. You only awaken when a tow truck driver breaks in. You are not a passenger. You take a breath test. You blow a .236. You only needed a .08 to be considered legally drunk.

For many of us, this might be the moment when we decide you know, drinking isn’t fun anymore. But for Paul Perry Jr., it wasn’t that at all. Instead, it was time for some high-stakes thumb-wrestling.

Reports said a man who was so drunk early Sunday morning he challenged police to thumb wrestle, with the proviso that if he won, impaired-driving charges against him would be dropped.

Perry’s girlfriend came to pick him up and when she did, Perry challenged officer Seann Carfolo several times to the thumb-wrestling contest. Reports said, “Perry was advised officers would not thumb wrestle him.”

The police may not be fans of good old fashioned competition (Who wants to be the one to get schooled in a thumb-wrestling match by a dude who can’t even stay awake at a red light, am I right?), but they were more than happy to slap him with that drunk driving charge and possibly more considering his license had already been suspended multiple times.

You Shouldn’t Kill Animals! Let Me Do It Instead!

I’m about as far from vegan as it gets, but if you’re not, great. I’m also not one who tends to engage in public forms of protest all that often, but if you do, great. Everyone should do what they want to do and be what they want to be. But for the love of god, would it kill some of you to include smart and rational somewhere on the list of things you want to be? The answer is no, especially when you consider the law of probabilities involved in the alternative, which in this case is drunkenly smashing your car into a truckload of chickens because people shouldn’t eat chicken, dammit.

A Georgia woman was arrested Wednesday after she reportedly slammed into a chicken truck, fled and then told officers who tracked her down that she hit the vehicle because she was a vegan.
The investigation began when a truck driver told police he was traveling west on Highway 72 when a red four-door car hit his truck twice, WXIA-TV reported.
The unidentified truck driver called police as the car fled. Madison County deputies found the car’s license plate in debris left in the wake of the crash. They were able to track the car’s owner to Comer, Georgia, where they found the vehicle and a driver matching the driver’s vague description.

Yes, you’re reading that correctly. A vegan, who I assume cares about the well being of living things, deliberately smashed into a truck full of living things more than once in order to make a statement about how we need to respect and appreciate living things.

Knowing this, it should come as little surprise that when tested later, Judith Armstrong blew over the legal driving limit. It also needs noting, however, that she wants to remove the excuse such as it is, telling police that she wasn’t drinking before the incident but did have a few shots when she got home.

She’s charged with hit-and-run, aggressive driving, driving under the influence and obstruction.

I’d Like To Propose A Toasted

I don’t know what Amanda Willis was arrested eight times for, but I imagine her now former best friend Jennifer Butler does, which makes me wonder how short Mrs. Butler was on maid of honour candidates especially based on arrest number nine.

“She was a mess. She drank almost a whole entire bottle of Fireball,” said guest Robert Templeton.
“She was drunk within 20 minutes to half an hour,” said Jennifer Butler.
Willis started asking people for their keys, according to those in attendance.
“She just went up to the best man and grabbed his keys out of his pocket and jumped in his car,” said Templeton.
Willis backed out and almost hit the best man – David’s brother Brian. He grabbed on to the car and held on.

“She took off, and his feet were dragging across the ground. He had to hit the E-brake,” said Templeton.
Guests wrestled Willis out of the car.
“She went back inside. She grabbed up the big bottle of Captain Morgan and just guzzled it like this,” said Jennifer Butler.
Then they say she got violent.
“As soon as I turned around, she came up and cracked me upside of the face,” said Templeton.
He said he swung back before he knew what was happening, and the deputies were called.
“It was insane. Absolutely insane,” said Jena Templeton.

Things didn’t get much better once police arrived. Willis told them that she was having an asthma attack, then started shaking like she was having some sort of seizure. She was taken to a local hospital where she proceeded to expose herself to some deputies, assault a couple of medics and kick over her bed pan. How they finally managed to calm her down wasn’t reported, which is disappointing. Not sure about the rest of you, but I’ve been in a few situations where that sort of info might have been handy.

She was charged with larceny, battery, grand theft of a motor vehicle and violation of probation.

Save Money, Live Wetter

As a guy who burns through a lot of articles in a day, I love it when a headline doesn’t hype something up to be something it isn’t or leave you guessing about what’s really going on. So thank you, “Police: Man urinates in Walmart as he puts trout in pants,” for making my Friday afternoon nice and easy.

Clarksville Police were called to the store at 1:33 p.m. Wednesday, the warrant stated.
A worker told an officer that the suspect, David Wylie of Clarksville, was seen urinating on the sales floor near the alcohol while trying to put a package of trout in his pants and he then attempted to leave the store without paying, the warrant stated.
The officer wrote that Wylie told him he did indeed urinate on the floor but “was not concerned because it was a misdemeanor.” He also said he had been consuming alcohol.

There’s a surprise.

Wylie, 56, was charged with shoplifting, vandalism, indecent exposure and public intoxication, all of which he was sure to repeatedly point out did not concern him for the same reason as above.

I Was Just On My Way To Turn Myself In

Whether or not you’re wanted on outstanding warrants, it’s always good to make sure that the taxi you’re getting into is really a taxi and not, say, a police cruiser. Then again if you are wanted on outstanding warrants, regardless of whether it is or is not a cab you will get a ride somewhere. Maybe not to the place you had in mind, but somewhere.