Today In Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should: We Almost Had Cranberry Sauce And Mayo In The Same Jar

“I have a really terrible idea,” proclaimed Patrick Kelleher one day in 2008, “and I want everyone to know that its mine.” And so it came to pass that a patent application was filed and Cramonnaise came dangerously close to being born. Abstract Two popular food items, mayonnaise and cranberry sauce, are mixed together to …

Milk Is Amazingly Gross When You Can’t See What It’s Doing

Steve’s naked singing milk-drinking guy made me think of this milk commercial, and some thoughts I had about it. I’m sure what’s happening there is there is a waterfall of milk and maybe a cow off to the side mooing. But that is not the image that the sound conjured up for me, who couldn’t …

Barf! These Ice Cubes Taste Like Coors!

This is one of those things I’m surprised doesn’t happen more often. Or does it but the rare part is the perpetrator being caught? Maybe it’s best not to think about it. Enjoy your night out. A nightclub patron relieved himself into a commercial ice maker early Saturday, according to Florida police who arrested the …

There’s A Whitewater Rapids Joke In Here Somewhere

Another dude has been caught slipping his baby mayo into the drink of an unsuspecting woman, but this time it’s not because he was trying to win her affection. Robert Tyson, 63, was found guilty last year of twice doing the deed to the water mug of a coworker he was having issues with. He …

I Have A Hard Enough Time With Cold Dr. Pepper. Who Are These People Heating It UP?

Who am I to argue with Dick Clark, but nobody ever actually drank hot Dr. Pepper in real life, did they? Please tell me nobody ever did that. It cannot possibly be a thing that ever caught on outside of maybe a mental institute or two. It just can’t. Barfity barf barf.

No Thank You, Patron. That’s Snot Very Kind!

I read this story about a gas station attendant’s experience with customers these days. A lot of people suck, especially right now. But what really stood out to me was when she said people are spitting on the pumps and snotting on the pay pads! Even in normal times, who does that? Who?! I cannot …

Dear Blue Jays Advertising Department:

I don’t want anything hitting a beefy nutritiony home run in my mouth, especially not something with jack in its name. I’m sure Jack Link’s is a fine product, but I nearly chucked when I heard that ad just now. You’ve unleashed some rather off-putting commercials in the past, but this is by far your …