Category: blech

United Breaks Basic Cleanliness Standards

Family forced to sit in vomit on United flight
No, that’s not some headline writer editorializing on the state of airplane food. Literally, these people had to go all butts in the barf seat because nobody from the crew bothered to clean things up between flights. Yes, I said between flights. So it’s not even a case where somebody had had enough of demanding passengers for the day and decided to let these ones stew in their own juices to teach ’em a lesson. I wouldn’t necessarily condone that by the way, but having interacted with a few less than pleasant human beings in my day I might understand it.

Scott Shirley had boarded a United Airlines flight with his wife and son when the trio noticed an unusual smell after placing their carry-on bags underneath their seats. After realizing their bags were damp, the family recognized the odor as vomit.
“She [Shirley’s wife] reached down and rubbed the ground and goes “the whole ground is wet,” and then she put it to her nose and goes “Oh my god! This is throw up,” Shirley explained to WUSA9.

“We’re extremely, extremely sorry about this. Why don’t you guys hang out over here while we take care of it? OH, and if you’d like anything to drink it’s on the house,” United should have said. But instead, they did the most United thing possible.

The family says they were given two choices: Either get on another plane or take these here garbage bags, wrap your stuff in them and let it marinate in stranger harf for a few hours. And no, we’re not changing your seats either, bitches.

They opted to stay on the plane because his wife had to be at work in the morning, though if that’s not a good enough reason to take a sick day I’m not sure what is.

United’s You’re Not Helping Department later issued a statement/apology.

“The situation Mr. Shirley described is certainly one that we wish no customer experiences, as our cleaners did not fully clean the seat area prior to departure. We offered them an alternate flight, but they decided to remain onboard. Our agents did the best they could in the short time they had to accommodate Mr. Shirley and keep the flight on time. We’ve to apologize to his family and offered a gesture of goodwill for future travel.”

Clearly these people have learned nothing from the great toilet paper famine of 2013. Sometimes it’s ok if the plane’s a little late.

Along with the apology, United gave each member of the family a $150 travel voucher. They would have also gotten coupons for the airport cafe, but that was deemed excessive as they had already gotten an extra meal.

No Goodness For Chef Boy Oh Boy

Officers investigating an alarm at the empty Oxgangs Police Station building in the south-west of Edinburgh, Scotland, found a window had been smashed and someone had broken in. On entering, they discovered 38-year old Lynton Frazer cooking himself a mixture of ravioli, Weetabix and milk in a saucepan.

He told them he had been hungry.

I had been hungry too, but not anymore.

If this fellow has the problems his lawyer claims he does, I hope he gets himself sorted out. Mostly on a human level, but also because Jesus man, that’s heinous.

You Either Take Gold In The Sailing Obstacle Course, Or You Die

Serious question. does anyone from the IOC bother visiting these places before they’re chosen as Olympics host nations? And if yes, are any of them allergic to bribes? 2016 Rio Olympics: Raw sewage, trash will remain in sailing waters
No plan ‘B’ despite dirty conditions

Rio de Janeiro Olympic organizers said Tuesday they have “no plan B” for the 2016 games’ sailing competitions, despite a recent admission by the state’s top environment official that it will be impossible to meet pledges to clean up the raw sewage and trash-filled waters where the events are to be staged.
Mario Andrade, spokesman of the Rio 2016 organizing committee insisted the sailing competitions “will be held in the Guanabara Bay, under the best possible Olympic conditions.”
Guanabara Bay has become a hot-button issue ahead of the 2016 games. It stinks of raw sewage and is dotted with abandoned couches, refrigerators and animal carcasses as well as, at low tide, with islands of human waste. Athletes have described the bay as an “open sewer” and raised concerns about hepatitis and other illnesses, as well as the possibility of potentially catastrophic high-speed collisions with floating detritus.
Brazil’s most respected health research institute said late last year it had found a drug-resistant super-bacteria on a beach near where the sailing competitions will get underway.

When are we going to tear down the IOC and start over? Awarding the games to countries who’s best event is human rights violation, insane levels of sponsorship exclusivity at the expense of other businesses, violating people’s basic privacy rights in the name of security…and those are just a few of the surface problems. When is enough enough? I love the sports aspect of the Olympics, but literally everything else about them is making it harder and harder to keep saying that.

All Aboard The Excrement Express

I’ve thankfully never had it done to me or felt the need to do it to anyone else, but leaving bags of crap on the doorsteps of those who have wronged you is, for some reason, a thing that people do. And now, rather than getting your own hands dirty or risk getting caught, you can have somebody do it by mail for you.

For a mere $16.95, ShitExpress.com will send a container of horse shit anonymously to anywhere in the world on your behalf. For real. It advertises itself as “a simple way to send a piece of shit in a box around the world,” and that’s apparently exactly what it is. Reviews don’t lie …usually. I don’t quite understand how they get it through the mail, but there are a lot of things I don’t understand about the mail so I’m not going to ask a whole lot of questions.

Imagine all the people who annoy you the most.
An irritating colleague. School teacher. Your ex-wife. Filthy boss. Jealous neighbour. That successful former classmate. Or all those pesky haters.

What if you could send them a smelly surprise?
There is nothing that could replace the expression on the recipient’s face after opening the box!

My Tangle With Tripe

Holy crap, I think this is the first audio from our Kitchener place. Isn’t that scary?

A little background. A while ago, Brad took a gamble and bought these cans of tripe to feed Trix along with her regular food. What is tripe? Well, basically the stomach of an animal that eats grass and things. For some reason, Trix loves the stuff. From time to time, he would tell me just how disgusting a certain can of tripe was, and tell me I need to get some for Tans.

Then last Christmas, he sent Tans a present, and in the box was a can of tripe. Guh! He kept asking me when I was going to open the tripe and give it to her, and he wanted to hear it. I kept putting it off, and life gave me reason after reason to put it off.

I put it off so long that when Brad was here for New Years, the can of tripe remained unopened. That didn’t last, and here is the resulting audio. I think it’s about 15 minutes long.

One thing I need to define. DNG means darn near gagged, and yup, that describes what I was doing.

Tansy loved the stuff…so…maybe I will have to buy more and get tough. Blarch. I always hated wet dog and cat food because of how much it stinks. Tripe is pretty bad, and by the sounds of it, every can is a different beast. Oh god.

So, um, enjoy this audio, or something, and hey, this is the first time Brad has been on one of these.

Cabbucket

I took a cab ride last night. I had one of those really nice, talkative drivers, so we had a pretty good conversation as we went.

At one point we started talking about jobs that people think are easy but really aren’t, and driving a taxi came up. I said I’d never consider that to be a walk in the park. Yeah sitting in a car and tooling around the city looks easy, but the hours are long, you always have to be pleasant no matter your mood and perhaps worst of all, you never know who you’re picking up next.

Later in the evening, I got home from a really really really fun Alan Doyle concert to find that Michelle had dropped this story in my lap. Such timing!

Just after 2 a.m. on Saturday night, a drunk woman was riding in a taxi with a number of other people near Upper Wentworth and Kingfisher Road, when she got sick and started vomiting inside the cab, police say.
After being told she would have to pay a cleaning fee, the woman became upset and started hurling vomit and assaulting the driver, police say.

The 24-year-old hammered hurl hurler tried to run, but was quickly located and charged with assault and mischief under $5000.

People: As nice as we are, we totally suck. And that’s why driving a cab or doing anything else with the public is hardly simple.

What Time Does The Number 2 Get Here?

Some guy taking a dump at a bus stop and then calmly leaving when his bus arrives really isn’t all that funny or out of the ordinary on its own, but the moment being captured on a security camera belonging to a store that sells toilets certainly ups the amusement factor, so let’s go with it, so to speak.

Gav Lall, owner of the nearby H2O Plus bathroom shop, captured the footage in the early hours of January 7 outside his premises in Blackheath, south east London.

He said: “I was completely disgusted – it’s not the sort of thing you would expect to see anywhere, really, especially outside a bathroom shop.

“We were alerted to the mess by a customer, and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing when I checked our security footage.

“He even urinated on his mess too.

“Some people just don’t respect the public transport service.”

Some people would appear to include those from the city itself, since according to the article it took officials two days to clean it up.

Wait a minute, two days? Don’t even try telling me that wasn’t done on purpose.

Fart Metal

This is completely disgusting and immature, but I’m not gonna lie. I laughed. Hard. Especially once it got to about a minute 20 or so in. Before that it’s just sort of there, but stick with it. You may or may not be glad you did. FART METAL!

I have done it! Here is FART METAL!!! And yes, every fart you hear is real and came from my own butt-hole :) :) :)

Gear used:
Pearl Drums
1 Big Can of Beans
Zildjian Cymbals
Axis Pedals w/ Ekit
Vic Firth Sticks
Db Drum Shoes
Roland TD-10 module
2% Milk
Silver Surfer Vaporizer
Elev8 Glass Pipes
Shure SM58

Way To Be, Tipshit

Tempting as it may be, you’re not supposed to tip over a portable toilet to get someone out of it, officers.

Four officers from the Memphis Police Department have been suspended after pushing over the portable potty.

Inside was 31-year-old Joseph Hampton, whom the cops suspected of criminal trespass and evading arrest.
As he stepped out, the police appeared to give him a good kick before leading him away in cuffs.

There’s video at the link up there that my blind ass can’t embed, so go there if you’d like to watch that.

I couldn’t decide whether or not I wanted to post this, but then I stumbled upon this little nugget while searching for more information.

People who saw the video of the officer tipping over the portable toilet had mixed reviews.
“They already had him cornered,” said J.D. Littlejohn. “They ain’t had to turn it over.”

That’s so perfect it almost has to be fake.

I’ll Have A Large Trouble Trouble, Extra Cream

Listen up, fellas. I’m gonna say this one more time. It probably won’t be the last time mind you, but a guy can dream.

No matter how much you like the girl and want nothing more in this world than for her to just like you back, there are much, and I really do mean much better ways of telling her so than giving her a little extra cream in her coffee.

According to the criminal complaint, an employee at Beisswenger’s hardware store in New Brighton called police on Aug. 26., saying she thought Lind, her co-worker, was leaving bodily fluids on her desk.

She told officers that she found Lind that afternoon standing in front of her desk, his back turned to her and his hands near his crotch. The worker wasn’t sure what Lind was doing, but she told police he had a “deer in the headlights” expression on his face when he noticed her behind him.

Lind then quickly left the room and slammed the door behind him, the worker said. Seconds later, Lind came back, told the worker he had a question for her but forgot it. He then left the area.

The worker told police she inspected her desk and found fluid on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy.

The worker told police that she’d had problems with Lind for months. He’d allegedly leave his zipper down often. It happened so much that the worker said she threatened to report Lind if it happened again.

Under police questioning, John R. Lind admitted to the August 26th incident, also mentioning that it happened to be his birthday. Perhaps he thought there was a get one free discount like they sometimes give you at restaurants, who knows? He also confessed to brewing her a special cup of Joe (I guess it would be John in this case) twice in the last 6 months and leaving similar presents on her desk 4 times, presents that he claimed to have wiped up with the aforementioned hair scrunchy.

When asked why he did it, Lind gave the classic answer. Yes, I was attracted to her and wanted her to notice me is in fact a classic answer because yes, we have covered this sort of thing before. Lind did offer, however, that he knew that what he was doing was “gross and wrong.”

The worker, meanwhile, told police that she had a feeling there was more to the story than twice in half a year, stating that her coffee had tasted funny on several occasions but that she thought it was the fault of spoiled cream. Well…

Lind is charged with 2 counts of criminal sexual conduct. If convicted, he could spend a year in prison, be ordered to pay a $4500 fine or both.