Category: blech

Mar 06 2014

Hoaxing The Media With Chef Keith

Have you ever come across one of those cooking segments on TV and either thought quietly to yourself or said aloud “Gross! What the fuck is that supposed to be?” If yes, congratulations. You have an eye more critical than that of producers and hosts employed by at least 5 television news departments.

Nick Prueher, who plays Chef Keith according to the article that goes along with the video, is my hero of the day. Not only did he pull this off without ever cracking up or breaking character, but were he not making smoothies out of ham and pumpkin pie and slipping in references to the influence of GG Allin on his work, you’d swear he was for real.

Listen, everybody. Let this be a lesson to you. Next time you’re watching Dr. Oz or something else equally harmful and some clown is telling you to eat something you’ve never heard of that sorta doesn’t sound right, ask a few questions first.

Feb 22 2014

Oh MiO My Oh Eeewwww

Now that I’ve written about the Enzyte hotel, I figured I’d write about another commercial, or couple of them, that I’ve meant to write about for months.

Out of the blue, these commercials appeared for this Mio stuff. From the audio, I had no friggin idea what this stuff was, but it didn’t sound good. I eventually figured out that it was this stuff designed to use as flavouring for water, or something.

First there was this barry pomegranate Mio commercial, which makes you feel like you’re watching a creepy drug deal in an alley somewhere. Just listen to it without watching it. Am I wrong in this?

That was immediately followed up by this MIO Sport version. Seriously, Mr. YouTube uploader guy, you had to call it “Eye of the Squirter”? Are you hoping to gross us out? All I can think about is that guy squirting into his colleague’s water bottle. Oh, water-enhancing squirt indeed!

It doesn’t get any better when it says things like “hardcore squirt” and “hot yoga squirt” and “synchronized squirt”…is that some kind of circle jerk? I did laugh when it said “logo” at the end, but there was too much other innuendo going on for me to truly find that redeeming.

And now, thankfully, I haven’t seen any MIO commercials lately. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Feb 14 2014

I Understand Giving Your Ex His Stuff Back, But This Is A Bit Much

Being cheated on and dumped is a pretty shitty feeling. And naturally, there are several ways one might react when it happens. Some folks cry out their eyes, some folks throw glasses, some folks throw back a few glasses, some yell and scream and still others take it all in stride and do their best to move on.

And then there are the Torz Reynolds’ of the world, who respond to such situations by cutting out the tattoo she got to celebrate the relationship and sending it by registered mail to her ex’s new house in a gift wrapped jar.

This is generally the part where I’d wonder aloud exactly what in the actual steaming fuck is wrong with this woman, but the simple fact that she up to this point had willingly roamed the earth with the words “Chopper’s Bitch” inked into her arm tells me basically everything I need to know.

Torz Reynolds thought her boyfriend, Stuart “Chopper” May, was moving out to take a job in Alaska. But she later found out he was staying in London and moving in with his new girlfriend, with whom he’d been having an affair for six months.

Reynolds, being sensible, decided to extract revenge by sawing off her “Chopper’s Bitch” tattoo from her arm with a scalpel and mailing the removed skin to May’s new home. The whole process, which also involved tweezers, took about an hour and a half.

“I can’t imagine what his reaction was,” she said. “I wish I could have been there to see it.”

If he had a reaction, he’s so far decided to keep it to himself. Whether that’s due to smart decision making or because it’s hard to talk while you’re hyperventilating with your head in a toilet is yet to be determined.

Feb 11 2014

But Will They Sell You The Real Thing When You Desperately Need Something To Wash Them Down?

If for whatever reason alcohol free candied beer sounds like something you might want to eat, then I’m happy to inform you that Jelly Belly will be glad to sell it to you by the truckload.

Indeed, for just a mere $85.99, you can get your very own 10 pound case of Draft Beer Jelly Beans.

We have taken your favorite draft beer and turned it into a gourmet jelly bean! Enjoy the authentic taste of a freshly poured draft beer without the alcohol. This fun jelly bean is completed with a jewel-like finish for a fresh from the tap “bubbly” look.

No alcohol content.

Approximately 400 beans per pound.

Maybe it’s wrong to speak without having tried them, but there’s no way those are tasting like authentic anything. Well, anything besides something I’d probably send back if it was poured for me down at the pub, anyhow.

Dec 18 2013

Holiday Yikes Factor

And now, a few morning words from Gill.

Wait, before we get to that, I must say a little something. Yesterday she, unfairly I feel, slagged on Christmas fruit cake. I shall now, as I did in the comments, confess that I enjoy the stuff. I don’t know why it gets such a bad rap. The rum balls she mentions today, on the other hand, those things are generally horrible and are best used to weigh down a garbage can. It’s no wonder you harfed after consuming them, Gill.

When the little boy in a Christmas Story was triple dog dared to stick his tongue to
a medal pole, and actually did so he created his own version of Yikes factor. This
is that thing that one does unknowingly to push the boundaries.

I, when I was ten years old, created my own Yikes factor. My great-aunt had kindly
made these rum balls. I, not wanting to be rude, took one, then another, then
another. Things seemed fine, until later that night, when my stomach erupted like a
powder keg. Since then my rum ball experience has gone from cautionary story to
humorous holiday memory.

How does one deal with Holiday Yikes Factor? Chill, it may not be funny now, and
even in the future you may talk about it with discomfort, but it is something that
will help others.

See you soon

Nov 29 2013

Black Friday Body Count: Brown Friday?

Not only is today a day for rioting, it’s also a day for crapping everywhere.

Reddit user Dave_Versus_Volcano posted his story about working at a Best Buy one Brown Friday. When an estimated 1,500 people entered the building at 6:00 a.m., the line for the checkout snaked deep into the store, all the way into the appliance department. After responding to a customer’s complaint, the employees discovered a “turd of good size” and “solid consistency” sitting in one of the dryers. “A lady who did not want to lose her spot opened the dryer, and shat right there in front of everyone,” he reported.

During a chaotic midnight opening, a man was spotted doing something suspicious. Shortly thereafter, customers rapidly lost their holiday cheer as they realized the mysterious substance collecting at the bottom of the escalator… was actually shit. “One of the managers showed up and tried calming people down. Housekeeping was called and they turned off the escalator and barricaded it off. Now, while all this was happening people had been tracking shit all over the tile floor,” galindafiedify writes. “Later I found out that the guy just dropped his pants at the bottom of the escalator and pooped.”

Old Navy employee Amanda Atkinson was cleaning up clothing under the clearance racks when the smell hit her. “Somebody had gone out of their way to stuff into the very center of the pile, not the bottom, mind you, but the dead center of the pile, a shitty diaper,” she told Raw Story. “To the point that we couldn’t do anything with the clothes, we had to throw it all out. We couldn’t even go through the clothes and see what we were throwing out because it was just too much of a biohazard. We just threw it all in trash bags and took it outside.”

Time for a good cry for humanity, I believe.

Nov 27 2013

Oil Of Ooooooooooooolay

If you have an admirer and that admirer sends you a bottle of cream as a gift, do yourself a favour and check that thing over good and thorough because while yes it’s cream, it might not be the sort of cream you think it is.

That, disgustingly, is exactly what happened to 19-year-old Zeng Lin, who received what she thought was face cream from 22-year-old Gou Wen who’s name my screenreader pronounces as “Goo When”, which almost had me laughing too hard to finish this. It wasn’t until she had rubbed most of it on herself and complained to her roommate that it didn’t smell quite right that she discovered that what she was using wasn’t face cream, but rather just some very forward wishful thinking on the part of Mr. Wen.

So why did Gou do this? For love, of course.

“I love her so much but she didn’t know it and I didn’t know how to tell her,” he said. “So I did that thinking it was the ultimate way to show love.”

Valentine’s Day at this guy’s house must be a riot.

He was ordered to pay $300 in damages and has apologized, saying that he understands now that what he did was wrong. He also says that he’s still determined to win Zeng’s heart. In other words, if she gets a box of what looks like chocolates, she might want to think twice.

Nov 24 2013

Ciao, Bella

Woooohooooo!

Ok, that’s out of my system. I can write.

We have talked about our canine nextdoor neighbour. Her name was Bella, but we had a fondness for calling her Shitlip. Why? That apartment would stink really bad like animal urine. We were sure that either that dog was having accidents all the time, or they’d bought one of those doggie litter boxes so they wouldn’t have to take her for a walk, and it wasn’t holding in the smell. Either way, our end of the hall often smelled really nasty.

I was worried that I might get accused since I’m the one with the dog living in that part of the hall that people would see all the time…and those weren’t baseless worries. I ran into a woman who said “Your dog barks a lot when you’re not at home.” I had to explain to her that when I’m not at home, neither is the dog. We talked about the smell, and now, that woman has become a lot more friendly…I think because she realized that my dog wasn’t the one making the smell.

Well, 2 weeks ago, they moved out! One morning on the weekend, we heard a lot of banging that sounded like moving couches and things. As I took garbage down to the chute, we heard definite indicators that they were leaving.

And ever since they’ve been gone, our apartment building hall smells normal again! No more will I have to come down the hall holding my nose. I no longer have to open my door and get greeted by…that. It makes a huuuuuge difference.

Holy crap, have they ever been rennovating the hell out of that apartment. I hope it’s just because it’s been lived in for a while by the same people and needs a tune-up, not that they’re having to obliterate the evidence of Bella.

So yea! But I hope, wherever that dog’s going, they do a better job of preventing that horrible smell.

Nov 11 2013

No Way, Jose

The story of Jose Angel Perales Is…I’m not even sure what it is. Gross? Yeah, let’s go with gross.

According to a court complaint, Perales entered the lingerie store through an unlocked door around 4:10 AM. A police review of store surveillance video revealed that Perales–5’ 11” and 325 pounds–“walked around the store and shopped.”
Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.”

It’s been a while since we’ve had a criminal helpful enough to tattoo his name on himself. I thought that had maybe fallen out of favour.

When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”
Investigators estimate that the items “used and/or taken” were worth between $1000 and $2000. However, cops added, the merchandise “could not be resold and were thrown away as they had bodily fluid on them.”

Perales was jailed on charges of burglary and theft, but was released after posting $5000 bond.

Speaking of things being released, the longer I sit here thinking about this butterball and his butt toys, the slimmer the chances become that my lunch is going to remain in captivity. I’m going to go now.

Nov 01 2013

Welcome To Brown Water Park

It looks as though another fellow has joined Luke Chrisco and Gary Moody in the caught covered in crap club.

But at least Kenneth Webster Enlow tried to learn from the mistakes of those who had come before, offering up a much more creative explanation than I dropped something for why he was looking up at a 29-year-old woman and her 7-year-old daughter from inside a toilet hole in of all places, White Water Park.

Enlow claimed to investigators that a woman named Angel had hit him in the head with a tire iron, then drove him–in a 1972 Chevrolet Monte Carlo–to the park and “dumped him in the toilet.”

He didn’t say why she would do this to him, but maybe that’s because it’s hard to come up with that part when you’re being sprayed down with a fire hose by the rescue workers who just pulled your 6 foot, 240-pound ass out of there. Also unexplained is why the victim said he was just quietly sitting there, not asking for help, seemingly in no hurry to leave.

When he did leave, he did so in the company of police, who arrested him for being a peeping Tom. At last word which was a while ago so he’s likely out roaming the parks again by now, he was in the Tulsa County jail in lieu (or perhaps in loo) of $500 bond.

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