Category: blech

Sep 11 2014

I’ll Have A Large Trouble Trouble, Extra Cream

Listen up, fellas. I’m gonna say this one more time. It probably won’t be the last time mind you, but a guy can dream.

No matter how much you like the girl and want nothing more in this world than for her to just like you back, there are much, and I really do mean much better ways of telling her so than giving her a little extra cream in her coffee.

According to the criminal complaint, an employee at Beisswenger’s hardware store in New Brighton called police on Aug. 26., saying she thought Lind, her co-worker, was leaving bodily fluids on her desk.

She told officers that she found Lind that afternoon standing in front of her desk, his back turned to her and his hands near his crotch. The worker wasn’t sure what Lind was doing, but she told police he had a “deer in the headlights” expression on his face when he noticed her behind him.

Lind then quickly left the room and slammed the door behind him, the worker said. Seconds later, Lind came back, told the worker he had a question for her but forgot it. He then left the area.

The worker told police she inspected her desk and found fluid on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy.

The worker told police that she’d had problems with Lind for months. He’d allegedly leave his zipper down often. It happened so much that the worker said she threatened to report Lind if it happened again.

Under police questioning, John R. Lind admitted to the August 26th incident, also mentioning that it happened to be his birthday. Perhaps he thought there was a get one free discount like they sometimes give you at restaurants, who knows? He also confessed to brewing her a special cup of Joe (I guess it would be John in this case) twice in the last 6 months and leaving similar presents on her desk 4 times, presents that he claimed to have wiped up with the aforementioned hair scrunchy.

When asked why he did it, Lind gave the classic answer. Yes, I was attracted to her and wanted her to notice me is in fact a classic answer because yes, we have covered this sort of thing before. Lind did offer, however, that he knew that what he was doing was “gross and wrong.”

The worker, meanwhile, told police that she had a feeling there was more to the story than twice in half a year, stating that her coffee had tasted funny on several occasions but that she thought it was the fault of spoiled cream. Well…

Lind is charged with 2 counts of criminal sexual conduct. If convicted, he could spend a year in prison, be ordered to pay a $4500 fine or both.

Jul 22 2014

He’s In Some Real Deep Shit Now

it’s been a few years since we’ve written about David Truscott, but he’s back at it, going after the same people. And as sometimes happens in cases like these, I think we’ve hit the point where it’s not quite so funny anymore.

He made the new threats shortly after being released from jail and transferred to the hostel, where he was being treated for a type of autism.

Truscott spent a few weeks at another supported hostel in Somerset where staff allowed him to indulge in some aspects of his fetish, but he became angry and upset after being moved to Exeter, where he was not.

His threats have had a devastating effect on the Roth family and the farmer is now seriously ill, while his wife and family say his vendetta has affected their work and their lives.

He boasted of having £2,000 cash which he wanted to spend on a hitman and spoke of his admiration for revenge killer Raoul Moat.

He fantasised about kidnapping members of the Roth family, tying them to trees, dousing them with petrol and setting them alight.

His hate campaign started in 2004 when he was caught rolling naked in cow pats and then banned from the property after stripping off and climbing into a muck spreader.

He defied court orders to stay away from the land and when Mr Roth cleaned the muck spreader to deter him he set light to the milking parlour in revenge.

He was jailed in 2005, 2009 and 2011 and made the fresh threats within weeks of being released half way through a two year sentence in 2012.

He also threatened to burn down the family’s farm, which considering he’s already proven he’ll set pieces of their property on fire when angry sounds like more of a promise.

He admitted to making threats and has now been sentenced to 5 more years of custody, which will be divided up between prison and a mental hospital.

Jul 14 2014

Massa-choo-shits

Today in “People do things like this in groups?”, police are looking for 4 people who are reported to have shat onto the top of a train as it passed under a bridge.

Officials say they received a report from a P&W railroad conductor that on Monday, four people standing on a train bridge at Route 122 were defecating on a passing train.

The department issued the warning on its Facebook page after receiving the complaint.

“Yes you read that right, we have no idea what would possess someone to drop their pants and poop on a passing train, but guess what it is happening,” the post said.

“Take this as a warning… If we catch you with your pants down defecating on the train you will be charged with everything we can find that fits the elements to the crime,” it added.

I’ve gone back and read that last sentence no less than 5 times, just letting it all sink in.

In addition to not turning every train into the number 2, police and railroad officials would also appreciate it if you morons would stop graffitiing said bridges and even more importantly, quit leaving garbage on the tracks for the trains to hit.

Jun 14 2014

I Think He Had More Than A Snoring Problem

I read about this story not too long after I was out of the hospital. In true me fashion, I let out a scream when it got crazy…and then thought, in light of current circumstances, maybe that was dumb. Poor Steve, the scream must have been pretty painful-sounding, because he came in a hurry, thinking something horrible had happened to me. Nope, just this dude who tried to break his own nose to stop his snoring.

And I didn’t even read the article yet, just the piece in the news of the weird column. If only I had read the article. Then who knows what noises I would have made.

This brilliant fellow decided that the only way to end his snoring was to have sinus surgery. But he didn’t talk to his doctor about it. No, he decided he would do it himself…no, not like that!

He thought all he needed to do was drink his face off for about a week, then put straws up his nose and repeatedly open a door into his face, thus breaking his nose!

See now why I screamed?

And of course, that didn’t work as planned. And, all the alcohol caused him to kind of get a bit loopy, turning a gun on his family…which brought the police.

Just imagine the scene. You show up. There is blood everywhere, blood near one door, blood near another one, 2 empty vodka bottles just laying in some broken glass from another door…and when you finally find your subject, John Novak, he’s laying in a bed, covered in blood, saying he’s not going anywhere. At first you think he’s just being troublesome, and then you realize this guy is so smashed he literally can’t go anywhere without help. Time to call in the paramedics, but not before Novak craps all over himself while saying he was going to take a leak.

This guy’s blood alcohol level was so high it was approaching alcohol poisoning territory. And his face looked like he’d been beaten up. It was only when folks at the hospital sobered him up enough that he was able to explain that yes, he had broken his own nose.

Yeah dude, I think surgery falls in the category of don’t try this at home.

May 01 2014

Ham Banana Rolls: Because We Haven’t Ruined Anyone’s Lunch In A While

If I’ve learned anything from listening to old time radio and watching old PSAs, it’s that the people of the decades previous to my birth were expected to purchase and ingest some pretty questionable things. And while I realize that this carries on to this day, it doesn’t change the fact that in 1947, this recipe for Ham Banana Rolls happened.

How to make “HAM BANANA ROLLS”

6 thin slices boiled ham
prepared mustard
6 firm bananas, peeled
cheese sauce

Use all-yellow or slightly green-tipped bananas

Spread each slice of ham lightly with mustard. Wrap a slice of the prepared ham around each banana. Place in a buttered shallow baking pan and pour cheese sauce over bananas. Bake in a moderate oven (350°F.) 30 minutes, or until bananas are tender … easily pierced with a fork.

Serve hot with cheese sauce from the pan poured over each roll.

Holy christ, am I right?

Of course those people made it, because they come from braver stock than I.

Shocking news of this day: this qualified for a “meh” rating rather than outright “disgusting.” (No one’s more surprised than I am!) Don’t get me wrong: nobody enjoyed this, and we’ll never make it again. But it actually wasn’t as bad as you’d expect from ham stuffed with a mustardy banana. If you got a bite with a good distribution of banana, ham, mustard, and cheese, the flavors almost worked. ALMOST. (If you got a bite with just banana and American cheese, well, barf.)

Mar 06 2014

Hoaxing The Media With Chef Keith

Have you ever come across one of those cooking segments on TV and either thought quietly to yourself or said aloud “Gross! What the fuck is that supposed to be?” If yes, congratulations. You have an eye more critical than that of producers and hosts employed by at least 5 television news departments.

Nick Prueher, who plays Chef Keith according to the article that goes along with the video, is my hero of the day. Not only did he pull this off without ever cracking up or breaking character, but were he not making smoothies out of ham and pumpkin pie and slipping in references to the influence of GG Allin on his work, you’d swear he was for real.

Listen, everybody. Let this be a lesson to you. Next time you’re watching Dr. Oz or something else equally harmful and some clown is telling you to eat something you’ve never heard of that sorta doesn’t sound right, ask a few questions first.

Feb 22 2014

Oh MiO My Oh Eeewwww

Now that I’ve written about the Enzyte hotel, I figured I’d write about another commercial, or couple of them, that I’ve meant to write about for months.

Out of the blue, these commercials appeared for this Mio stuff. From the audio, I had no friggin idea what this stuff was, but it didn’t sound good. I eventually figured out that it was this stuff designed to use as flavouring for water, or something.

First there was this barry pomegranate Mio commercial, which makes you feel like you’re watching a creepy drug deal in an alley somewhere. Just listen to it without watching it. Am I wrong in this?

That was immediately followed up by this MIO Sport version. Seriously, Mr. YouTube uploader guy, you had to call it “Eye of the Squirter”? Are you hoping to gross us out? All I can think about is that guy squirting into his colleague’s water bottle. Oh, water-enhancing squirt indeed!

It doesn’t get any better when it says things like “hardcore squirt” and “hot yoga squirt” and “synchronized squirt”…is that some kind of circle jerk? I did laugh when it said “logo” at the end, but there was too much other innuendo going on for me to truly find that redeeming.

And now, thankfully, I haven’t seen any MIO commercials lately. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Feb 14 2014

I Understand Giving Your Ex His Stuff Back, But This Is A Bit Much

Being cheated on and dumped is a pretty shitty feeling. And naturally, there are several ways one might react when it happens. Some folks cry out their eyes, some folks throw glasses, some folks throw back a few glasses, some yell and scream and still others take it all in stride and do their best to move on.

And then there are the Torz Reynolds’ of the world, who respond to such situations by cutting out the tattoo she got to celebrate the relationship and sending it by registered mail to her ex’s new house in a gift wrapped jar.

This is generally the part where I’d wonder aloud exactly what in the actual steaming fuck is wrong with this woman, but the simple fact that she up to this point had willingly roamed the earth with the words “Chopper’s Bitch” inked into her arm tells me basically everything I need to know.

Torz Reynolds thought her boyfriend, Stuart “Chopper” May, was moving out to take a job in Alaska. But she later found out he was staying in London and moving in with his new girlfriend, with whom he’d been having an affair for six months.

Reynolds, being sensible, decided to extract revenge by sawing off her “Chopper’s Bitch” tattoo from her arm with a scalpel and mailing the removed skin to May’s new home. The whole process, which also involved tweezers, took about an hour and a half.

“I can’t imagine what his reaction was,” she said. “I wish I could have been there to see it.”

If he had a reaction, he’s so far decided to keep it to himself. Whether that’s due to smart decision making or because it’s hard to talk while you’re hyperventilating with your head in a toilet is yet to be determined.

Feb 11 2014

But Will They Sell You The Real Thing When You Desperately Need Something To Wash Them Down?

If for whatever reason alcohol free candied beer sounds like something you might want to eat, then I’m happy to inform you that Jelly Belly will be glad to sell it to you by the truckload.

Indeed, for just a mere $85.99, you can get your very own 10 pound case of Draft Beer Jelly Beans.

We have taken your favorite draft beer and turned it into a gourmet jelly bean! Enjoy the authentic taste of a freshly poured draft beer without the alcohol. This fun jelly bean is completed with a jewel-like finish for a fresh from the tap “bubbly” look.

No alcohol content.

Approximately 400 beans per pound.

Maybe it’s wrong to speak without having tried them, but there’s no way those are tasting like authentic anything. Well, anything besides something I’d probably send back if it was poured for me down at the pub, anyhow.

Dec 18 2013

Holiday Yikes Factor

And now, a few morning words from Gill.

Wait, before we get to that, I must say a little something. Yesterday she, unfairly I feel, slagged on Christmas fruit cake. I shall now, as I did in the comments, confess that I enjoy the stuff. I don’t know why it gets such a bad rap. The rum balls she mentions today, on the other hand, those things are generally horrible and are best used to weigh down a garbage can. It’s no wonder you harfed after consuming them, Gill.

When the little boy in a Christmas Story was triple dog dared to stick his tongue to
a medal pole, and actually did so he created his own version of Yikes factor. This
is that thing that one does unknowingly to push the boundaries.

I, when I was ten years old, created my own Yikes factor. My great-aunt had kindly
made these rum balls. I, not wanting to be rude, took one, then another, then
another. Things seemed fine, until later that night, when my stomach erupted like a
powder keg. Since then my rum ball experience has gone from cautionary story to
humorous holiday memory.

How does one deal with Holiday Yikes Factor? Chill, it may not be funny now, and
even in the future you may talk about it with discomfort, but it is something that
will help others.

See you soon

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