Category: blech

Attention Kmart Shoppers. Check Out Our Current Brown Light Special

Why you would not only feel compelled to piss and shit in a box of security tags behind the counter at Kmart but then actually go ahead and do it is a mystery for somebody else to unravel, but what I would like to know is why, once you have determined that the above must take place, you would pick a Kmart where you shop regularly and then leave your name with the people at the customer service desk because you went in to return something?

Melissa Jacobson, 49, was busted Monday night after she allegedly slipped behind a cash register at the Racine business and urinated and
defecated in a box full of store security tags.
At the time of her arrest, Jacobson was wearing a shirt with a picture of a dump truck and the phrase “Dropping A Load,” a cop noted.
Alerted by a “funky” odor, an unfortunate Kmart employee discovered the soiled cardboard box, which was leaking urine, according to a misdemeanor criminal complaint filed yesterday against Jacobson.

If I wasn’t going to post this before (I think I was), that shirt put it over the top. Where would one even obtain such a garment and more importantly, why? Well, unless it’s her official I’m gonna go shit in a box outfit. that seems logical.

Jacobson, who was at least nice enough to clean herself up afterwards with some paper towels she found underneath the counter, was charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of resisting or obstructing an officer.

Creamy Chocolate Kill?

I figure I’ll write about Timmy’s since it’s Canada Day. It seems appropriate.

A little while ago, Tim Horton’s came out with…something…called the Creamy Chocolate Chill. Wow, something is wrong with me…I’m blogging about some random food product. But there are two reasons I want to, so bear with me.

When I first heard about it, I didn’t even know what it was. Was it some kind of cake? Maybe it was a frozen treat? All the commercials would say was stuff like “It’s rich, it’s chocolatey! It’s a Creamy Chocolate Chill.” Someone would be sitting there going “mmmm mmmmm mmmm!” but that was about it. If you couldn’t see it, you had no idea what it was.

I went to the Timmy’s website, and I was able to figure out that it was a drink because it was under the drinks section, but this was all they wrote about it.

A delicious combination of real cream and layers of chocolaty goodness. It’s the perfect summer treat that takes chocolaty to the next level.

I still wasn’t quite sure what this was all about, so I decided to get one, and I got one for Steve too. I had a pretty goofy conversation with the Tim’s lady. It consisted of me saying “I have a question about your Creamy Chocolate Chill. …What is it?” So am I slow? Did anyone else wonder what the heck this was who couldn’t see the picture to get the big hint?

But maybe it was all a trick to get us to go buy them. Maybe I’m just one of their many sheep who fell for it…because once I bothered the lady to ask her to describe the thing, I almost felt committed to try one. So maybe they’re smarter than I think and this was all done on purpose, but somehow I doubt it.

And what did I think? Uuuuuug! Who enjoys this? As I was drinking it, I thought I needed to sing a song to my pancreas so I didn’t develop Diabetes on the spot.

They weren’t kidding when they said they were taking chocolatey to the next level. Holy crap, it was like drinking a cup full of syruppy cream. Every now and then I’d hit a chunk of chocolate stuff that was kind of good…but mostly, it was too much, and I’m’ a person who loves chocolate.

Steve agreed with me, and another friend said the same thing, so I know I’m not a weirdo.

So they may have gotten me once, but I don’t think I’ll buy another one of those suckers ever.

Beat Off In The Coffee While You Still Can, Guys

There’s an update to a story we brought you last year.

John Lind, the fellow who professed his love for a woman by repeatedly firing his non-dairy cannon into her coffee, had his charges dismissed because while totally fucking disgusting, what he did isn’t technically against the law…yet. The State is working on closing that loophole as we speak though, so hopefully his brush with the law and everything on that poor girl’s desk was enough for him to learn his lesson and just write a letter like everybody else next time.

A Blaine man was initially charged with two gross misdemeanor counts, one of fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct and one of attempted fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct, after an Aug. 26 incident in which he allegedly put his semen into a co-worker’s coffee.
The charges were dismissed in November by a Ramsey County judge, who said the crime required nonconsensual touching of the victim’s intimate parts.
Under the bill, sponsored by Rep. Debra Hilstrom, a prosecutor from Brooklyn Center and Sen. John Hoffman of Champlin, placing bodily fluids in a substance intended for human consumption would be a misdemeanor.
It would become a felony if someone ingests it without knowledge of the adulteration, with escalating penalties if it’s done for sexual gratification or if the victim is a child.
The bill passed Wednesday in the House Public Safety committee and heads next to the House floor.

If You Get It Up One More Time, You’re Going Down

This is hilarious. Dangerous and awful, but hilarious.

An officer was flagged down about a man trapped in a portable toilet near the Eastbank Esplanade at 8 a.m.
The Honey Bucket’s door was against the ground, so Portland Fire & Rescue personnel responded to lift it back up and free the man who was inside.
The 48-year-old homeless man was not injured, according to police, but he was covered in “fecal matter” and waste from the tank of the porta-potty.
An anonymous homeless person approached the crews at the scene and said the man had been in the porta-potty with his pants around his ankles, “pleasuring himself” as he held the door open.
The witness told officers that other homeless people in the area were tired of the man’s behavior, so they knocked over the porta-potty and ran away.

None of those people were found, and for whatever reason (probably the old I think he’s suffered enough for one day), the…um…victim? was not charged. Police were nice enough to find him some clean clothes, however.

Who Wants A Cold One That Used To Be A Warm One?

Brewing company makes beer out of human urine I don’t see how this is all that revolutionary. Coors has been doing it for years. Although these guys have the decency to treat it first, so I guess there’s that.

An Oregon brewing company is making an alarmingly yellow-looking beer out of other people’s poo and wee.
Local firm Clean Water Services makes drinkable water out of sewage, according to Yahoo News – using a ‘high purity’ recycling system to turn urine, poo and waste water into clear, drinkable stuff.
This week, local health authorities cleared the firm to send recycled sewage to local home brewers Oregon Brew Crew to make into beer.
The idea is to show off just how clean and tasty their water is – and health authorities say there is a ‘low health risk overall’.

United Breaks Basic Cleanliness Standards

Family forced to sit in vomit on United flight
No, that’s not some headline writer editorializing on the state of airplane food. Literally, these people had to go all butts in the barf seat because nobody from the crew bothered to clean things up between flights. Yes, I said between flights. So it’s not even a case where somebody had had enough of demanding passengers for the day and decided to let these ones stew in their own juices to teach ’em a lesson. I wouldn’t necessarily condone that by the way, but having interacted with a few less than pleasant human beings in my day I might understand it.

Scott Shirley had boarded a United Airlines flight with his wife and son when the trio noticed an unusual smell after placing their carry-on bags underneath their seats. After realizing their bags were damp, the family recognized the odor as vomit.
“She [Shirley’s wife] reached down and rubbed the ground and goes “the whole ground is wet,” and then she put it to her nose and goes “Oh my god! This is throw up,” Shirley explained to WUSA9.

“We’re extremely, extremely sorry about this. Why don’t you guys hang out over here while we take care of it? OH, and if you’d like anything to drink it’s on the house,” United should have said. But instead, they did the most United thing possible.

The family says they were given two choices: Either get on another plane or take these here garbage bags, wrap your stuff in them and let it marinate in stranger harf for a few hours. And no, we’re not changing your seats either, bitches.

They opted to stay on the plane because his wife had to be at work in the morning, though if that’s not a good enough reason to take a sick day I’m not sure what is.

United’s You’re Not Helping Department later issued a statement/apology.

“The situation Mr. Shirley described is certainly one that we wish no customer experiences, as our cleaners did not fully clean the seat area prior to departure. We offered them an alternate flight, but they decided to remain onboard. Our agents did the best they could in the short time they had to accommodate Mr. Shirley and keep the flight on time. We’ve to apologize to his family and offered a gesture of goodwill for future travel.”

Clearly these people have learned nothing from the great toilet paper famine of 2013. Sometimes it’s ok if the plane’s a little late.

Along with the apology, United gave each member of the family a $150 travel voucher. They would have also gotten coupons for the airport cafe, but that was deemed excessive as they had already gotten an extra meal.

No Goodness For Chef Boy Oh Boy

Officers investigating an alarm at the empty Oxgangs Police Station building in the south-west of Edinburgh, Scotland, found a window had been smashed and someone had broken in. On entering, they discovered 38-year old Lynton Frazer cooking himself a mixture of ravioli, Weetabix and milk in a saucepan.

He told them he had been hungry.

I had been hungry too, but not anymore.

If this fellow has the problems his lawyer claims he does, I hope he gets himself sorted out. Mostly on a human level, but also because Jesus man, that’s heinous.

You Either Take Gold In The Sailing Obstacle Course, Or You Die

Serious question. does anyone from the IOC bother visiting these places before they’re chosen as Olympics host nations? And if yes, are any of them allergic to bribes? 2016 Rio Olympics: Raw sewage, trash will remain in sailing waters
No plan ‘B’ despite dirty conditions

Rio de Janeiro Olympic organizers said Tuesday they have “no plan B” for the 2016 games’ sailing competitions, despite a recent admission by the state’s top environment official that it will be impossible to meet pledges to clean up the raw sewage and trash-filled waters where the events are to be staged.
Mario Andrade, spokesman of the Rio 2016 organizing committee insisted the sailing competitions “will be held in the Guanabara Bay, under the best possible Olympic conditions.”
Guanabara Bay has become a hot-button issue ahead of the 2016 games. It stinks of raw sewage and is dotted with abandoned couches, refrigerators and animal carcasses as well as, at low tide, with islands of human waste. Athletes have described the bay as an “open sewer” and raised concerns about hepatitis and other illnesses, as well as the possibility of potentially catastrophic high-speed collisions with floating detritus.
Brazil’s most respected health research institute said late last year it had found a drug-resistant super-bacteria on a beach near where the sailing competitions will get underway.

When are we going to tear down the IOC and start over? Awarding the games to countries who’s best event is human rights violation, insane levels of sponsorship exclusivity at the expense of other businesses, violating people’s basic privacy rights in the name of security…and those are just a few of the surface problems. When is enough enough? I love the sports aspect of the Olympics, but literally everything else about them is making it harder and harder to keep saying that.

All Aboard The Excrement Express

I’ve thankfully never had it done to me or felt the need to do it to anyone else, but leaving bags of crap on the doorsteps of those who have wronged you is, for some reason, a thing that people do. And now, rather than getting your own hands dirty or risk getting caught, you can have somebody do it by mail for you.

For a mere $16.95, will send a container of horse shit anonymously to anywhere in the world on your behalf. For real. It advertises itself as “a simple way to send a piece of shit in a box around the world,” and that’s apparently exactly what it is. Reviews don’t lie …usually. I don’t quite understand how they get it through the mail, but there are a lot of things I don’t understand about the mail so I’m not going to ask a whole lot of questions.

Imagine all the people who annoy you the most.
An irritating colleague. School teacher. Your ex-wife. Filthy boss. Jealous neighbour. That successful former classmate. Or all those pesky haters.

What if you could send them a smelly surprise?
There is nothing that could replace the expression on the recipient’s face after opening the box!