Category: do it yourself

I don’t know if Richard Kuhn needs better friends, richer friends or a course on lying, but he clearly needs something. Maybe less time on his hands would be a good start.

On May 22, three women in three separate reports told Ocala police that a man exposed himself to them at Target, 2000 SW College Road, Ocala.
The first woman said she was in the home decor section when she noticed someone behind her. She said when she looked over at the person, she saw a man’s genitals. She reported the incident to Target employees.
A second woman said she was in the cold-foods section when she turned around and saw a man exposing himself. A third woman said she was in a women’s clothing aisle when a man walked up and exposed himself. Target employees found the man and detained him until an officer arrived.

The cold foods section? I’d be concerned about the potential for shrinkage, personally.

Anyway, when police arrived and interviewed Kuhn, he explained to them that the reason for his behaviour was the almighty dollar. Twenty of them, to be precise. He was at the store with some friends, you see, and they told him they’d give him twenty bucks if he would walk around the store and expose himself. Why he did it three times instead of quickly doing it once and then getting the hell out of there if he felt he must do it at all is a question that remains unanswered, as is who exactly these friends are.

Kuhn was charged with indecent exposure and later released on $3,000 bond.

Maybe Kevin Adkins had nobody to kiss New Year’s Eve. Perhaps that’s why he was so intent on taking matters into his own hands. Or it might have been the meth. Yeah, that’s probably it. Stay off the meth, everyone. I haven’t tried most of them, but there are some drugs that look like they might be fun. Meth though? That stuff just seems like it never ends well.

Kevin Adkins, 34, was on methamphetamine Dec. 31, 2017, when at 7:30 p.m. he approached his first victim sitting in a car after delivering pizza.
Adkins asked the victim to drive him to a Safeway store so he could buy a cucumber to use as a dildo. Prosecutors said Adkins pants were down and his genitals were exposed. The victim refused and Adkins got into the car holding a metal object.
Prosecutors said the victim took the car keys, got out of the car and called 911. Adkins slid over to the driver’s side of the car and when he realized the keys were gone he got out of the car and walked away.
Prosecutors said about 20 minutes later Adkins second victim was walking his dog and saw Adkins approaching with his genitals exposed and carrying a metal object.

The victim called 911. Prosecutors said police arrived and saw Adkins with his genitals exposed. Adkins was carrying a large kitchen lighter bent into an L shape.

But the fun didn’t stop just because he got arrested.

On his way to the station, Adkins tried to bargain for his release, offering to “orally copulate” an officer in exchange for freedom. Not sure about you guys, but that sounds romantic as hell.

And still, we’re not finished.

At the police station, either because his previous offer was refused and he wanted to show the foolish policeman what he was missing out on or because he needed to warm himself up, Adkins decided that right then would be the perfect time to start going to town on himself. Yes, in front of the same officer.

Now we’re finished, unless we take a moment to note that all of the fun went down in Redwood City, which we will because who are we to pass up an easy wood joke? Red wood, even. Funny on a couple of levels, that.

Adkins wound up pleading no contest to charges of bribing a police officer, attempted car theft and indecent exposure. He was given 90 days in jail and will have to register as a sex offender. Hopefully he’ll also get some help for the meth thing if he needs it.

Aside from “gross!”, I don’t have all that much to add here.

Brian Dijon Boyd, 27, was arrested Sunday afternoon in connection with a series of vile encounters at a Target in Tampa, according to a police report.
Store surveillance video recorded Boyd “knowingly and intentionally squirting white in color hair conditioner” on the “back and buttocks area” of four unsuspecting female victims. As he crept up on the women, Boyd has his sweat pants “pulled down away from the waist area” and was “stroking what appeared to be his penis.”

When police attempted to pull him aside for a little that was wrong, you should not have done that style chateroo, Boyd made a run for it but was quickly apprehended.

He now faces several charges including battery and indecent exposure. He was jailed with bond set at $6,000, which seems high but likely has something to do with his lengthy criminal history which, among other things, hilariously includes prior arrests for both carrying a concealed weapon and exposure of sexual organs.

Police officers responded to a call from the Forest Hills station in Jamaica Plain at approximately 12:15 a.m. regarding a man, later identified as James Sacchetti, exposing himself to an adult woman on a train. Sacchetti, 30, allegedly approached the woman and initiated a conversation about the election. Assuming she voted for Hillary Clinton, he implied that her decision was a poor choice, according to police.
When the woman responded by telling him that her vote was her personal business, he allegedly stood up from his seat, unbuckled his belt, and lowered his pants and underwear to expose himself to her. He then exited the train at Forest Hills.

His appearing to be a Trump supporter kind of ruins my joke about how he was just trying to show her a reasonable facsimile of the dick his stupid country somehow voted into office, but I’m going to go ahead and make it anyway.

Sacchetti was apprehended by police while still in the train station and charged with open and gross lewdness.

As if shopping at Walmart could get any more unpleasant.

In early-November, a Walmart shopper told police that a “creepy” man lingered near her in the store’s makeup aisle. After the man passed behind her, the shopper “felt something wet on her foot and lower back.” The woman then went to the bathroom “and tried to wipe the material off her but it was sticky.”
On December 28, another woman told police that “some substance” had been “thrown or sprayed on her” while she was shopping at the same Walmart in Marietta, a city across the Ohio River from West Virginia. A review of store surveillance footage revealed that the suspect in last week’s incident was identical to the “creepy” man spotted in November.

After some police work, the culprit was identified as 28-year-old Timothy Blake, a bad liar from West Virginia. I say a bad liar because I bet most of you already have a pretty good idea what that substance was, and none of you have access to a forensic lab like the cops did.

After identifying the truck driven by the suspect, cops confronted Blake at a Wings Etc. restaurant as he sat down for dinner with his wife. When asked what he was throwing on the female victims, Blake first claimed that it was egg yolks. But when police advised that they “had the material tested,” Blake “then admitted that it was semen in the containers he was squirting” at the buttocks of women.

Yes, you did just read that his wife was there. That’s gonna be an awkward ride home later, methinks.

With the bad lying mostly but perhaps not completely out of his system, Blake got rather talkative, telling police that he’d gone into that Walmart and done this at least 12 times. On four of those occasions he said he used semen, while the others involved either egg yolks and flour or spit. Yup, he’s sticking to that egg story like semen to a department store customer. Not sure I’m buying it, but for all I know it could be true. Anyway, he said that when it was spunk day, he would do the deed in either his vehicle or the Walmart bathroom and impregnate a syringe, which he had many of because he owned a farm on which he was responsible for the inoculation of the animals.

When asked about his motivations, Blake gave the old I “thought she displayed exhibitionist characteristics and wanted to be noticed” chestnut and admitted that yes, he thought about sexual things while he was doing it. You know, in case there might be any confusion due to the myriad other reasons one might feel compelled to whip out an auxiliary man cannon at a shopping centre and start blasting away.

He was charged with two counts of felony obscenity and released after posting $11,000 bond. He was still free at last report,but required to wear a GPS monitor.

I wasn’t going to post about this John Kuznezow fellow that police in Wisconsin found in a tree while he was probably spying on women in an apartment building nearby, but then this sentence happened.

When the police asked the man to get down they noticed his pants were undone and found that he had no valid reason to be in the tree.

What a great sentence that is. I can’t stop laughing at it. But it does beg the question, what *would* be a valid reason for chilling in a tree with your pants open? Is it ok if you bring along tree trimming equipment to make it look like you might be a city worker on his lunch break?

In case you were wondering, Kuznezow was hauled in after he came down and charged with invasion of privacy.