Research This One

Man exposed himself near UT’s Pickle Research campus in northwest Austin, police say

The University of Texas Police Department is actively investigating an indecent exposure incident near the West J.J. Pickle Research campus in northwest Austin.
According to the release sent out by UTPD, the witness stated that a man approached her in the circle drive off the MoPac frontage road to ask for directions.
“While speaking with the man, she says he exposed himself,” the release states. “The witness immediately called 911.”

In case you’re like me and didn’t know this, yes, J.J. Pickle was a real person. He is known for many things, among them handing out squeaky rubber pickles to people he met on the street. So…uh…maybe this was a strange tribute of some kind. A stretch sure, but it might work as a defense for our boy here once the police get their hands on him.

Take It Out AT The Ball Game

So this is a thing that happened at a baseball game a few weeks ago. Angry fan at Mets game threatens young family and exposes himself to the kids

The incident happened in the ninth inning of the Mets’ 9-0 victory over the Phillies Tuesday night, when 20-year-old Richard Patrylo asked the father if he could use his phone, cops said.
The dad, 39, who was watching the game with his wife, 12-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter, said no — at which point the suspect lashed out, police said.
“I will f–k up your entire family!” he allegedly yelled, then dropped his pants, exposing his genitals.

Police say that Patrylo, who comes from Inwood, Long Island (which is great comedy for the 12-year-old in all of us), was drinking during the game, which comes as no surprise and honestly a bit of a relief.

He was charged with acting in a manner injurious to a child and public lewdness, charges that on the surface should be hard to fight since the victim’s son is said to have filmed everything on his own phone. No, I don’t have the video.

Punch Cock

Listen up, everyone at work right now. Maybe this feels like it might be a good time to take a break, head to the bathroom and rub one out. But before you do, I want you to ask yourself a couple of questions.

  1. How quiet am I?
  2. Is it worth getting my ass fired if the answer turns out to be not very?

A company is justified in firing a unionized employee for masturbating in a bathroom stall at work, a labour arbitrator in Nova Scotia has ruled.
The arbitrator concluded that the employer, an aerospace firm operating hangars at the Halifax airport, had just cause to terminate the employee because his colleagues could hear what he was doing, and it caused “embarrassment and distress” in the workplace. The employee had also been warned about his behaviour two years earlier.

Arbitrator Gus Richardson was asked to decide whether the act of loudly masturbating in a stall justified discipline and termination, and whether a bathroom stall is a sufficiently private place.
“On this point I accept that there is nothing illegal about masturbation,” he wrote. He said the problem is the employee violated the privacy and sense of personal decorum of his co-workers, and ignored warnings to stop. “He instead conducted an activity that he knew (and certainly ought to have known) would and did cause embarrassment and distress to his co-workers once they became aware that he was doing it in close proximity to them.”
The employee testified that he masturbated in one of four stalls in a hangar bathroom, but only when there was nobody in a stall next to him. He maintained that he never made noises and kept his phone on silent if he was watching videos, but the arbitrator rejected that claim.

“I do not accept the grievor’s testimony that he made no sounds while performing this activity,” Richardson wrote. “Obviously if that were true no one would have known that he was doing it. But people did know. They could only have known about it because they could hear it.”

A manager told the employee there were complaints about noises in the bathroom, such as “breathing heavily, making erratic movements and moaning,” and said management was concerned for the employee’s well-being. They told him that if he had a serious medical issue, he should alert human resources.

Maybe I’m the only one, but I’ve read the line about notifying human resources like 5 times now and it’s not getting any less funny.

Along with insisting that he wasn’t being loud, the employee also argued both that he had a sex addiction that constituted a disability and that he wasn’t sufficiently warned that there was a problem because instead of coming right out and saying “Hey Bob, put your dong away, would ya?”, management spoke euphemistically about things like the odd noises he was accused of making.

Unfortunately for him, those arguments either fell on deaf ears or were drowned out by all the moaning.

“Masturbation is not a topic of conversation about which people feel comfortable discussing openly,” he wrote. “That, plus concerns about privacy, would make any attempt to discuss it personally embarrassing and likely to result in the use of euphemisms. Even if … discussion with the grievor was couched in terms of ‘unusual noises’ I am satisfied that both knew exactly what was being discussed — and that it was an activity that was causing concern amongst the grievor’s co-workers and ought to be stopped.”

It’s probably best to come right out and say what you mean if you’re telling someone about allegations being made against him, but yes, any reasonable person, especially one who says he always takes steps to be discreet while doing whatever that thing is that he doesn’t understand, should know what folks are getting at over the course of more than one talking to.

Take One…Out Of My Pants

Somehow I missed this one last summer.

When Rebecca McKay went to her band’s studio last week, she found something she never expected.
A man, shirtless and sweating, allegedly masturbating to pornography on the band’s computer was sitting on the couch in the mixing room. He quickly tried to come up with a cover story about why he was in the studio — he said he was renting the space.
The man eventually fled the space, but was tracked down by members of the band and questioned about a custom guitar that went missing, as well as an expensive bottle of scotch.

The next day, McKay said the man returned to the studio and was arrested by Waterloo Regional Police.
At this point, no one knew anything about the squatter, aside from his first name being Dom. When the group returned to the studio, they turned on a computer, where they found Cignelli logged into his Facebook and Plenty of Fish account.

That’s right ladies, he’s single! Or at least he’s pretending to be! And going by this Reddit thread, he’s also somewhat well known around town.

I also learned from the thread that the victimized band is called “…And More”. When I was a kid I wanted to name a band that, but when I actually did join one it had a name already so I have yet to realize this dream.

And…That’s One

Hopefully this isn’t the beginning of another list. And why the apparently fake dong? Do those come in the official city of Guelph indecent acts starter kit so you can decide whether the new town hobby is truly for you?

On Feb. 19, 2019 between 8 and 8:20 a.m., a 13-year-old female was walking to school in the area of Edinburgh Road South and Honey Crescent. An unknown male approached the child and exposed, what appeared to be, a fake penis to the child. The suspect did not make any attempt to grab the child and nothing was said. The child was able to flee to her school and Police were contacted.

The male is described as white, 40-50 years old, wearing all black clothing, including a black toque and black scarf.
Guelph police are asking anyone that was in the area of Edinburgh Road South and Honey Crescent within the time frame of 8-8:30 a.m., that has dash cam video capturing pedestrians, to call Detective Sergeant Melanie Clark at 519-824-1212 or email her at If you have information and would like to stay anonymous, you can call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS.

And yes, even after all this time I still giggle softly to myself when we get to the word tips.

Wishing the cops well finding this guy. We make fun, but fake wiener or not, there’s still no room for creeps like this to be roaming free.

Home Of The Flopper

A Nebraska man was arrested for masturbating at a Burger King Sunday night.
One of the Lincoln restaurant employees who witnessed the event told police that 24-year-old Khaled Khalil kept entering and exiting the restaurant, and when he’d get inside, he would begin masturbating, 1011 Now reports.

The witness also told police Khalil’s genitals were fully exposed.
When officers arrived on the scene and tried to speak with the suspect, they said he appeared to be intoxicated and wouldn’t speak to them.

Heh heh heh…entering and exiting.

He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure. Police say he has no other run-ins on his record and that he doesn’t appear to be a registered sex offender. Everybody has to start somewhere, though.

The Hard Is Still On

Back in 2016, we learned of twice convicted public masturbator Anthony Hardison (yes, that’s still his real name) and his attempt to become thrice convicted public masturbator Anthony Hardison by doing what he does whilst registering as a sex offender. Unfortunately, it seems that as of last year, he’s still at it.

The latest alleged episode occurred April 9, when Hardison boarded a route 14 Metro bus in Seattle, according to King County Sheriff’s Office reports.

He reportedly moved to the back of the bus and stayed there until only one or two passengers remained. He then exposed his genitalia and masturbated in full view of the passengers and 39-year-old bus driver, court records say.

It took police until May 3rd to bring him in, at which point he was charged with the usual. Indecent exposure with sexual motivation.

Cop In An Elevator, Gettin’ It Up While We’re Goin’ Down

Level Plains, Alabama police chief Billy Maurice Driggers has become former Level Plains, Alabama police chief Billy Maurice Driggers after being caught enjoying a trip to Florida a little too much.

According to Panama City Beach investigators, officers arrived at Aqua Condominiums on Oct. 2 in response to a complaint about a suspicious person.
“Officers made contact with security staff and were advised guests of the resort observed a white male masturbating while watching females,” reads a news release from the city’s police department.

Driggers was not a registered guest at the condominiums and had no valid reason to be on the property, police said.
Upon reviewing surveillance video, investigators allegedly observed Driggers in the elevator of the building. On at least three separate occasions, Driggers was allegedly seen with his hand down his pants, “masturbating in the presence of women and children,” according to police.
Investigators reviewed additional surveillance videos, which allegedly showed Driggers pleasuring himself while walking behind a group of teenage girls. He was also allegedly seen taking photos and videos of the girls as they utilized outside showers near the beach.
“During the course of the investigation, investigators were not able to locate an instance where Driggers exposed his genitalia while masturbating,” the Panama City Beach Police Department statement reads. “However, Driggers actions were found to be obscene and sexually deviant in nature.”

I should hope so, yes. I would also hope that making this determination based on what seems to be the available evidence here didn’t take anyone involved an overly long time.

Since he didn’t pull it all the way out, police didn’t charge him with indecent exposure. Instead they opted for four counts of disorderly conduct, which in Florida could mean up to 240 days in jail and a $500 fine.

What In The Actual Hell Is Going ON In Guelph These Days?

These are all items from Guelph police news releases, and all were published this summer. I’m not 100 percent positive that this is a complete list, but lord love a duck, there are certainly plenty of them as it is.

Obviously there were incidents here and there, but I can’t recall there being this sort of volume in such a short time during the years we lived there. What is happening? Did somebody slash the event budget? Are you aiming to change your slogan from Royal City to Oil City?

Good lord.

Update: The local CBC appears to have stolen my gimmick and begun compiling a list of its own. Theirs stretches back to March, so has a couple of items mine doesn’t.

Also, Mayor Guthrie is unimpressed.

“Guelph is known for our beautiful parks and green spaces — so people, whether they’re visiting our city or live here, they need to be able to enjoy them without any fear of this activity going on,” said Guthrie.

“Police are very aware of these incidents and are taking this very seriously,” said Guthrie. “Over the last couple of years, we’ve had some increased investments in enforcement — and I’m going to continue to support that.”

Guthrie adds mental health issues and drugs are most likely playing a part in this as well.
“Those can’t be full out excuses for what is happening, and for the younger people performing any ‘acts’ as a ‘prank’ . . . it’s not a prank, it’s disgusting. My message for them? Find a different hobby, or get a job.”

“As I said, there is also a part of this which is mental health issues – so we do need to have some further support from the provincial government for all municipalities. We need to make sure people are aware there are drug issues involved in this too – but these aren’t way of ‘explaining out’ the situation, or using it as an excuse.”
He adds as much as we need to be aware of these issues, we also need to acknowledge that Guelph is a great place to live.
“It is going to take our whole community coming together to not be fearful of this issue. Go out, enjoy our parks — but at the same time, be vigilant and call the authorities if you see anything out of place.”

Update two: The naked meditator has spoken. He is 29-year-old Peter Holm, and he definitely sounds like he’s gonna fit right in with some of the locals I met during my Guelph days.

“I’m not a pervert,” said Holm.

“My intention was to be my true, authentic self. We are all born pure and beautiful,” Holm said in an interview with GuelphToday.
He believes nudity is a natural and healthy state, even in public.
He fully understands what he did was against the law, but feels the law is wrong. Basically, he was making a point.
“I want society to legally recognize my right to express my self and body as I choose …. am I really actually doing harm?
“I wanted to show that just because I chose to be naked doesn’t mean I’m a criminal, bad person or am going to hurt someone.”
He said he knew he was going to get in trouble when he decided to go for a walk that day and then sit under a tree nude while meditating.

Holm said if people are upset by his nudity, “that’s more on them.”
He was asked if a park with a children’s playground might have been the wrong place to make his point. Or if the recent public masturbation reports might have created a situation where people might be a little upset at the sight of a naked man in a public park.

He answered that he felt the time and place were appropriate given that he was trying to make a point.
“I think it was great timing, all these emotions were activated,” he said.
“I want it to be recognized, that I have a right to recognize my body as I choose.”
Holm said two families arrived at the park shortly after he began meditating in the nude.
Holm said he was yelled at, then two “furious” men came over and kicked and hit him while he was sitting on the ground. He has bruises on his body and scratches on his back but did not go to hospital.
“I knew this was going to happen and I’m ready to accept what was going to happen,” Holm said.
Asked if he planned to continue to meditate nude in city parks, Holm said that for now there might not be too much public nudity.
“It was an incident. An event. I’ll let that percolate.”

He also said that he planned to plead not guilty to the charge of causing a disturbance that was filed against him when he was arrested on August 12th. that court appearance is set for September 18th.

Police have also confirmed that Holm has filed an assault complaint against the fellas who felt it necessary to make a point of their own and say they’re looking into it.

Final update:

This ended up being number ten on Guelph Today’s list of the top ten stories of the year. I’ll refrain from making any sort of rising up the charts joke. Hopefully I can also refrain from making a new list for 2019.

Come ON, Dude. I Triple Dong Dare You!

I don’t know if Richard Kuhn needs better friends, richer friends or a course on lying, but he clearly needs something. Maybe less time on his hands would be a good start.

On May 22, three women in three separate reports told Ocala police that a man exposed himself to them at Target, 2000 SW College Road, Ocala.
The first woman said she was in the home decor section when she noticed someone behind her. She said when she looked over at the person, she saw a man’s genitals. She reported the incident to Target employees.
A second woman said she was in the cold-foods section when she turned around and saw a man exposing himself. A third woman said she was in a women’s clothing aisle when a man walked up and exposed himself. Target employees found the man and detained him until an officer arrived.

The cold foods section? I’d be concerned about the potential for shrinkage, personally.

Anyway, when police arrived and interviewed Kuhn, he explained to them that the reason for his behaviour was the almighty dollar. Twenty of them, to be precise. He was at the store with some friends, you see, and they told him they’d give him twenty bucks if he would walk around the store and expose himself. Why he did it three times instead of quickly doing it once and then getting the hell out of there if he felt he must do it at all is a question that remains unanswered, as is who exactly these friends are.

Kuhn was charged with indecent exposure and later released on $3,000 bond.