by Steve Wettlaufer -

Take One…Out Of My Pants

Somehow I missed this one last summer.

When Rebecca McKay went to her band’s studio last week, she found something she never expected.
A man, shirtless and sweating, allegedly masturbating to pornography on the band’s computer was sitting on the couch in the mixing room. He quickly tried to come up with a cover story about why he was in the studio — he said he was renting the space.
The man eventually fled the space, but was tracked down by members of the band and questioned about a custom guitar that went missing, as well as an expensive bottle of scotch.

The next day, McKay said the man returned to the studio and was arrested by Waterloo Regional Police.
At this point, no one knew anything about the squatter, aside from his first name being Dom. When the group returned to the studio, they turned on a computer, where they found Cignelli logged into his Facebook and Plenty of Fish account.

That’s right ladies, he’s single! Or at least he’s pretending to be! And going by this Reddit thread, he’s also somewhat well known around town.

I also learned from the thread that the victimized band is called “…And More”. When I was a kid I wanted to name a band that, but when I actually did join one it had a name already so I have yet to realize this dream.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

And…That’s One

Hopefully this isn’t the beginning of another list. And why the apparently fake dong? Do those come in the official city of Guelph indecent acts starter kit so you can decide whether the new town hobby is truly for you?

On Feb. 19, 2019 between 8 and 8:20 a.m., a 13-year-old female was walking to school in the area of Edinburgh Road South and Honey Crescent. An unknown male approached the child and exposed, what appeared to be, a fake penis to the child. The suspect did not make any attempt to grab the child and nothing was said. The child was able to flee to her school and Police were contacted.

The male is described as white, 40-50 years old, wearing all black clothing, including a black toque and black scarf.
Guelph police are asking anyone that was in the area of Edinburgh Road South and Honey Crescent within the time frame of 8-8:30 a.m., that has dash cam video capturing pedestrians, to call Detective Sergeant Melanie Clark at 519-824-1212 or email her at MClark@guelphpolice.ca. If you have information and would like to stay anonymous, you can call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS.

And yes, even after all this time I still giggle softly to myself when we get to the word tips.

Wishing the cops well finding this guy. We make fun, but fake wiener or not, there’s still no room for creeps like this to be roaming free.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Home Of The Flopper

A Nebraska man was arrested for masturbating at a Burger King Sunday night.
One of the Lincoln restaurant employees who witnessed the event told police that 24-year-old Khaled Khalil kept entering and exiting the restaurant, and when he’d get inside, he would begin masturbating, 1011 Now reports.

The witness also told police Khalil’s genitals were fully exposed.
When officers arrived on the scene and tried to speak with the suspect, they said he appeared to be intoxicated and wouldn’t speak to them.

Heh heh heh…entering and exiting.

He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure. Police say he has no other run-ins on his record and that he doesn’t appear to be a registered sex offender. Everybody has to start somewhere, though.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

The Hard Is Still On

Back in 2016, we learned of twice convicted public masturbator Anthony Hardison (yes, that’s still his real name) and his attempt to become thrice convicted public masturbator Anthony Hardison by doing what he does whilst registering as a sex offender. Unfortunately, it seems that as of last year, he’s still at it.

The latest alleged episode occurred April 9, when Hardison boarded a route 14 Metro bus in Seattle, according to King County Sheriff’s Office reports.

He reportedly moved to the back of the bus and stayed there until only one or two passengers remained. He then exposed his genitalia and masturbated in full view of the passengers and 39-year-old bus driver, court records say.

It took police until May 3rd to bring him in, at which point he was charged with the usual. Indecent exposure with sexual motivation.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Cop In An Elevator, Gettin’ It Up While We’re Goin’ Down

Level Plains, Alabama police chief Billy Maurice Driggers has become former Level Plains, Alabama police chief Billy Maurice Driggers after being caught enjoying a trip to Florida a little too much.

According to Panama City Beach investigators, officers arrived at Aqua Condominiums on Oct. 2 in response to a complaint about a suspicious person.
“Officers made contact with security staff and were advised guests of the resort observed a white male masturbating while watching females,” reads a news release from the city’s police department.

Driggers was not a registered guest at the condominiums and had no valid reason to be on the property, police said.
Upon reviewing surveillance video, investigators allegedly observed Driggers in the elevator of the building. On at least three separate occasions, Driggers was allegedly seen with his hand down his pants, “masturbating in the presence of women and children,” according to police.
Investigators reviewed additional surveillance videos, which allegedly showed Driggers pleasuring himself while walking behind a group of teenage girls. He was also allegedly seen taking photos and videos of the girls as they utilized outside showers near the beach.
“During the course of the investigation, investigators were not able to locate an instance where Driggers exposed his genitalia while masturbating,” the Panama City Beach Police Department statement reads. “However, Driggers actions were found to be obscene and sexually deviant in nature.”

I should hope so, yes. I would also hope that making this determination based on what seems to be the available evidence here didn’t take anyone involved an overly long time.

Since he didn’t pull it all the way out, police didn’t charge him with indecent exposure. Instead they opted for four counts of disorderly conduct, which in Florida could mean up to 240 days in jail and a $500 fine.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

What In The Actual Hell Is Going ON In Guelph These Days?

These are all items from Guelph police news releases, and all were published this summer. I’m not 100 percent positive that this is a complete list, but lord love a duck, there are certainly plenty of them as it is.

Obviously there were incidents here and there, but I can’t recall there being this sort of volume in such a short time during the years we lived there. What is happening? Did somebody slash the event budget? Are you aiming to change your slogan from Royal City to Oil City?

Good lord.

Update: The local CBC appears to have stolen my gimmick and begun compiling a list of its own. Theirs stretches back to March, so has a couple of items mine doesn’t.

Also, Mayor Guthrie is unimpressed.

“Guelph is known for our beautiful parks and green spaces — so people, whether they’re visiting our city or live here, they need to be able to enjoy them without any fear of this activity going on,” said Guthrie.

“Police are very aware of these incidents and are taking this very seriously,” said Guthrie. “Over the last couple of years, we’ve had some increased investments in enforcement — and I’m going to continue to support that.”

Guthrie adds mental health issues and drugs are most likely playing a part in this as well.
“Those can’t be full out excuses for what is happening, and for the younger people performing any ‘acts’ as a ‘prank’ . . . it’s not a prank, it’s disgusting. My message for them? Find a different hobby, or get a job.”

“As I said, there is also a part of this which is mental health issues – so we do need to have some further support from the provincial government for all municipalities. We need to make sure people are aware there are drug issues involved in this too – but these aren’t way of ‘explaining out’ the situation, or using it as an excuse.”
He adds as much as we need to be aware of these issues, we also need to acknowledge that Guelph is a great place to live.
“It is going to take our whole community coming together to not be fearful of this issue. Go out, enjoy our parks — but at the same time, be vigilant and call the authorities if you see anything out of place.”

Update two: The naked meditator has spoken. He is 29-year-old Peter Holm, and he definitely sounds like he’s gonna fit right in with some of the locals I met during my Guelph days.

“I’m not a pervert,” said Holm.

“My intention was to be my true, authentic self. We are all born pure and beautiful,” Holm said in an interview with GuelphToday.
He believes nudity is a natural and healthy state, even in public.
He fully understands what he did was against the law, but feels the law is wrong. Basically, he was making a point.
“I want society to legally recognize my right to express my self and body as I choose …. am I really actually doing harm?
“I wanted to show that just because I chose to be naked doesn’t mean I’m a criminal, bad person or am going to hurt someone.”
He said he knew he was going to get in trouble when he decided to go for a walk that day and then sit under a tree nude while meditating.

Holm said if people are upset by his nudity, “that’s more on them.”
He was asked if a park with a children’s playground might have been the wrong place to make his point. Or if the recent public masturbation reports might have created a situation where people might be a little upset at the sight of a naked man in a public park.

He answered that he felt the time and place were appropriate given that he was trying to make a point.
“I think it was great timing, all these emotions were activated,” he said.
“I want it to be recognized, that I have a right to recognize my body as I choose.”
Holm said two families arrived at the park shortly after he began meditating in the nude.
Holm said he was yelled at, then two “furious” men came over and kicked and hit him while he was sitting on the ground. He has bruises on his body and scratches on his back but did not go to hospital.
“I knew this was going to happen and I’m ready to accept what was going to happen,” Holm said.
Asked if he planned to continue to meditate nude in city parks, Holm said that for now there might not be too much public nudity.
“It was an incident. An event. I’ll let that percolate.”

He also said that he planned to plead not guilty to the charge of causing a disturbance that was filed against him when he was arrested on August 12th. that court appearance is set for September 18th.

Police have also confirmed that Holm has filed an assault complaint against the fellas who felt it necessary to make a point of their own and say they’re looking into it.

Final update:

This ended up being number ten on Guelph Today’s list of the top ten stories of the year. I’ll refrain from making any sort of rising up the charts joke. Hopefully I can also refrain from making a new list for 2019.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Come ON, Dude. I Triple Dong Dare You!

I don’t know if Richard Kuhn needs better friends, richer friends or a course on lying, but he clearly needs something. Maybe less time on his hands would be a good start.

On May 22, three women in three separate reports told Ocala police that a man exposed himself to them at Target, 2000 SW College Road, Ocala.
The first woman said she was in the home decor section when she noticed someone behind her. She said when she looked over at the person, she saw a man’s genitals. She reported the incident to Target employees.
A second woman said she was in the cold-foods section when she turned around and saw a man exposing himself. A third woman said she was in a women’s clothing aisle when a man walked up and exposed himself. Target employees found the man and detained him until an officer arrived.

The cold foods section? I’d be concerned about the potential for shrinkage, personally.

Anyway, when police arrived and interviewed Kuhn, he explained to them that the reason for his behaviour was the almighty dollar. Twenty of them, to be precise. He was at the store with some friends, you see, and they told him they’d give him twenty bucks if he would walk around the store and expose himself. Why he did it three times instead of quickly doing it once and then getting the hell out of there if he felt he must do it at all is a question that remains unanswered, as is who exactly these friends are.

Kuhn was charged with indecent exposure and later released on $3,000 bond.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

May Masturbation Take Place Not, May Meth Not Cloud Your Mind, No Officer To Say You’ll Blow, No Bars You’ll Be Behind

Maybe Kevin Adkins had nobody to kiss New Year’s Eve. Perhaps that’s why he was so intent on taking matters into his own hands. Or it might have been the meth. Yeah, that’s probably it. Stay off the meth, everyone. I haven’t tried most of them, but there are some drugs that look like they might be fun. Meth though? That stuff just seems like it never ends well.

Kevin Adkins, 34, was on methamphetamine Dec. 31, 2017, when at 7:30 p.m. he approached his first victim sitting in a car after delivering pizza.
Adkins asked the victim to drive him to a Safeway store so he could buy a cucumber to use as a dildo. Prosecutors said Adkins pants were down and his genitals were exposed. The victim refused and Adkins got into the car holding a metal object.
Prosecutors said the victim took the car keys, got out of the car and called 911. Adkins slid over to the driver’s side of the car and when he realized the keys were gone he got out of the car and walked away.
Prosecutors said about 20 minutes later Adkins second victim was walking his dog and saw Adkins approaching with his genitals exposed and carrying a metal object.

The victim called 911. Prosecutors said police arrived and saw Adkins with his genitals exposed. Adkins was carrying a large kitchen lighter bent into an L shape.

But the fun didn’t stop just because he got arrested.

On his way to the station, Adkins tried to bargain for his release, offering to “orally copulate” an officer in exchange for freedom. Not sure about you guys, but that sounds romantic as hell.

And still, we’re not finished.

At the police station, either because his previous offer was refused and he wanted to show the foolish policeman what he was missing out on or because he needed to warm himself up, Adkins decided that right then would be the perfect time to start going to town on himself. Yes, in front of the same officer.

Now we’re finished, unless we take a moment to note that all of the fun went down in Redwood City, which we will because who are we to pass up an easy wood joke? Red wood, even. Funny on a couple of levels, that.

Adkins wound up pleading no contest to charges of bribing a police officer, attempted car theft and indecent exposure. He was given 90 days in jail and will have to register as a sex offender. Hopefully he’ll also get some help for the meth thing if he needs it.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Simply Orange And A Few Other Surprises

Meet Willis Gene Burdette, who may or may not be Michael Kevin Lallana’s grandfather. If the two aren’t related, they’re at least spirit animals or something.

The woman contacted police after her home security system recorded Burdette entering the residence one afternoon. Burdette, a criminal complaint noted, got into the home by “using a key located inside of her shed.” Once inside, the married septuagenarian “began to masturbate inside a small tool room near the garage.”
Burdette then “removed a bottle of orange juice from the refrigerator and cum inside the bottle of orange juice,” a Jackson Township Police Department detective reported. He then proceeded to “shake the bottle” before returning it to the refrigerator.

Heh heh heh, you said tool room.

Unlike in the Lallana case, nobody put down any of the tainted love either by accident or for investigatory purposes, so the story has more than one happy ending.

Burdette, who had been working as a landscaper which is why he had access to the home in the first place, plead guilty to felony burglary and attempted felonious assault and was sentenced to 100 days in jail. He was also given three years probation, 200 hours of community service, an order to complete a mental health assessment and a ban from taking any job that would allow him into private houses.

Heh heh heh, you said private.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Squirt Squirt. I Hit The Target! Yeah! Squirt Squirt

Aside from “gross!”, I don’t have all that much to add here.

Brian Dijon Boyd, 27, was arrested Sunday afternoon in connection with a series of vile encounters at a Target in Tampa, according to a police report.
Store surveillance video recorded Boyd “knowingly and intentionally squirting white in color hair conditioner” on the “back and buttocks area” of four unsuspecting female victims. As he crept up on the women, Boyd has his sweat pants “pulled down away from the waist area” and was “stroking what appeared to be his penis.”

When police attempted to pull him aside for a little that was wrong, you should not have done that style chateroo, Boyd made a run for it but was quickly apprehended.

He now faces several charges including battery and indecent exposure. He was jailed with bond set at $6,000, which seems high but likely has something to do with his lengthy criminal history which, among other things, hilariously includes prior arrests for both carrying a concealed weapon and exposure of sexual organs.