Cop In An Elevator, Gettin’ It Up While We’re Goin’ Down

Level Plains, Alabama police chief Billy Maurice Driggers has become former Level Plains, Alabama police chief Billy Maurice Driggers after being caught enjoying a trip to Florida a little too much.

According to Panama City Beach investigators, officers arrived at Aqua Condominiums on Oct. 2 in response to a complaint about a suspicious person.
“Officers made contact with security staff and were advised guests of the resort observed a white male masturbating while watching females,” reads a news release from the city’s police department.

Driggers was not a registered guest at the condominiums and had no valid reason to be on the property, police said.
Upon reviewing surveillance video, investigators allegedly observed Driggers in the elevator of the building. On at least three separate occasions, Driggers was allegedly seen with his hand down his pants, “masturbating in the presence of women and children,” according to police.
Investigators reviewed additional surveillance videos, which allegedly showed Driggers pleasuring himself while walking behind a group of teenage girls. He was also allegedly seen taking photos and videos of the girls as they utilized outside showers near the beach.
“During the course of the investigation, investigators were not able to locate an instance where Driggers exposed his genitalia while masturbating,” the Panama City Beach Police Department statement reads. “However, Driggers actions were found to be obscene and sexually deviant in nature.”

I should hope so, yes. I would also hope that making this determination based on what seems to be the available evidence here didn’t take anyone involved an overly long time.

Since he didn’t pull it all the way out, police didn’t charge him with indecent exposure. Instead they opted for four counts of disorderly conduct, which in Florida could mean up to 240 days in jail and a $500 fine.

What In The Actual Hell Is Going ON In Guelph These Days?

These are all items from Guelph police news releases, and all were published this summer. I’m not 100 percent positive that this is a complete list, but lord love a duck, there are certainly plenty of them as it is.

Obviously there were incidents here and there, but I can’t recall there being this sort of volume in such a short time during the years we lived there. What is happening? Did somebody slash the event budget? Are you aiming to change your slogan from Royal City to Oil City?

Good lord.

Update: The local CBC appears to have stolen my gimmick and begun compiling a list of its own. Theirs stretches back to March, so has a couple of items mine doesn’t.

Also, Mayor Guthrie is unimpressed.

“Guelph is known for our beautiful parks and green spaces — so people, whether they’re visiting our city or live here, they need to be able to enjoy them without any fear of this activity going on,” said Guthrie.

“Police are very aware of these incidents and are taking this very seriously,” said Guthrie. “Over the last couple of years, we’ve had some increased investments in enforcement — and I’m going to continue to support that.”

Guthrie adds mental health issues and drugs are most likely playing a part in this as well.
“Those can’t be full out excuses for what is happening, and for the younger people performing any ‘acts’ as a ‘prank’ . . . it’s not a prank, it’s disgusting. My message for them? Find a different hobby, or get a job.”

“As I said, there is also a part of this which is mental health issues – so we do need to have some further support from the provincial government for all municipalities. We need to make sure people are aware there are drug issues involved in this too – but these aren’t way of ‘explaining out’ the situation, or using it as an excuse.”
He adds as much as we need to be aware of these issues, we also need to acknowledge that Guelph is a great place to live.
“It is going to take our whole community coming together to not be fearful of this issue. Go out, enjoy our parks — but at the same time, be vigilant and call the authorities if you see anything out of place.”

Update two: The naked meditator has spoken. He is 29-year-old Peter Holm, and he definitely sounds like he’s gonna fit right in with some of the locals I met during my Guelph days.

“I’m not a pervert,” said Holm.

“My intention was to be my true, authentic self. We are all born pure and beautiful,” Holm said in an interview with GuelphToday.
He believes nudity is a natural and healthy state, even in public.
He fully understands what he did was against the law, but feels the law is wrong. Basically, he was making a point.
“I want society to legally recognize my right to express my self and body as I choose …. am I really actually doing harm?
“I wanted to show that just because I chose to be naked doesn’t mean I’m a criminal, bad person or am going to hurt someone.”
He said he knew he was going to get in trouble when he decided to go for a walk that day and then sit under a tree nude while meditating.

Holm said if people are upset by his nudity, “that’s more on them.”
He was asked if a park with a children’s playground might have been the wrong place to make his point. Or if the recent public masturbation reports might have created a situation where people might be a little upset at the sight of a naked man in a public park.

He answered that he felt the time and place were appropriate given that he was trying to make a point.
“I think it was great timing, all these emotions were activated,” he said.
“I want it to be recognized, that I have a right to recognize my body as I choose.”
Holm said two families arrived at the park shortly after he began meditating in the nude.
Holm said he was yelled at, then two “furious” men came over and kicked and hit him while he was sitting on the ground. He has bruises on his body and scratches on his back but did not go to hospital.
“I knew this was going to happen and I’m ready to accept what was going to happen,” Holm said.
Asked if he planned to continue to meditate nude in city parks, Holm said that for now there might not be too much public nudity.
“It was an incident. An event. I’ll let that percolate.”

He also said that he planned to plead not guilty to the charge of causing a disturbance that was filed against him when he was arrested on August 12th. that court appearance is set for September 18th.

Police have also confirmed that Holm has filed an assault complaint against the fellas who felt it necessary to make a point of their own and say they’re looking into it.

Come ON, Dude. I Triple Dong Dare You!

I don’t know if Richard Kuhn needs better friends, richer friends or a course on lying, but he clearly needs something. Maybe less time on his hands would be a good start.

On May 22, three women in three separate reports told Ocala police that a man exposed himself to them at Target, 2000 SW College Road, Ocala.
The first woman said she was in the home decor section when she noticed someone behind her. She said when she looked over at the person, she saw a man’s genitals. She reported the incident to Target employees.
A second woman said she was in the cold-foods section when she turned around and saw a man exposing himself. A third woman said she was in a women’s clothing aisle when a man walked up and exposed himself. Target employees found the man and detained him until an officer arrived.

The cold foods section? I’d be concerned about the potential for shrinkage, personally.

Anyway, when police arrived and interviewed Kuhn, he explained to them that the reason for his behaviour was the almighty dollar. Twenty of them, to be precise. He was at the store with some friends, you see, and they told him they’d give him twenty bucks if he would walk around the store and expose himself. Why he did it three times instead of quickly doing it once and then getting the hell out of there if he felt he must do it at all is a question that remains unanswered, as is who exactly these friends are.

Kuhn was charged with indecent exposure and later released on $3,000 bond.

May Masturbation Take Place Not, May Meth Not Cloud Your Mind, No Officer To Say You’ll Blow, No Bars You’ll Be Behind

Maybe Kevin Adkins had nobody to kiss New Year’s Eve. Perhaps that’s why he was so intent on taking matters into his own hands. Or it might have been the meth. Yeah, that’s probably it. Stay off the meth, everyone. I haven’t tried most of them, but there are some drugs that look like they might be fun. Meth though? That stuff just seems like it never ends well.

Kevin Adkins, 34, was on methamphetamine Dec. 31, 2017, when at 7:30 p.m. he approached his first victim sitting in a car after delivering pizza.
Adkins asked the victim to drive him to a Safeway store so he could buy a cucumber to use as a dildo. Prosecutors said Adkins pants were down and his genitals were exposed. The victim refused and Adkins got into the car holding a metal object.
Prosecutors said the victim took the car keys, got out of the car and called 911. Adkins slid over to the driver’s side of the car and when he realized the keys were gone he got out of the car and walked away.
Prosecutors said about 20 minutes later Adkins second victim was walking his dog and saw Adkins approaching with his genitals exposed and carrying a metal object.

The victim called 911. Prosecutors said police arrived and saw Adkins with his genitals exposed. Adkins was carrying a large kitchen lighter bent into an L shape.

But the fun didn’t stop just because he got arrested.

On his way to the station, Adkins tried to bargain for his release, offering to “orally copulate” an officer in exchange for freedom. Not sure about you guys, but that sounds romantic as hell.

And still, we’re not finished.

At the police station, either because his previous offer was refused and he wanted to show the foolish policeman what he was missing out on or because he needed to warm himself up, Adkins decided that right then would be the perfect time to start going to town on himself. Yes, in front of the same officer.

Now we’re finished, unless we take a moment to note that all of the fun went down in Redwood City, which we will because who are we to pass up an easy wood joke? Red wood, even. Funny on a couple of levels, that.

Adkins wound up pleading no contest to charges of bribing a police officer, attempted car theft and indecent exposure. He was given 90 days in jail and will have to register as a sex offender. Hopefully he’ll also get some help for the meth thing if he needs it.

Simply Orange And A Few Other Surprises

Meet Willis Gene Burdette, who may or may not be Michael Kevin Lallana’s grandfather. If the two aren’t related, they’re at least spirit animals or something.

The woman contacted police after her home security system recorded Burdette entering the residence one afternoon. Burdette, a criminal complaint noted, got into the home by “using a key located inside of her shed.” Once inside, the married septuagenarian “began to masturbate inside a small tool room near the garage.”
Burdette then “removed a bottle of orange juice from the refrigerator and cum inside the bottle of orange juice,” a Jackson Township Police Department detective reported. He then proceeded to “shake the bottle” before returning it to the refrigerator.

Heh heh heh, you said tool room.

Unlike in the Lallana case, nobody put down any of the tainted love either by accident or for investigatory purposes, so the story has more than one happy ending.

Burdette, who had been working as a landscaper which is why he had access to the home in the first place, plead guilty to felony burglary and attempted felonious assault and was sentenced to 100 days in jail. He was also given three years probation, 200 hours of community service, an order to complete a mental health assessment and a ban from taking any job that would allow him into private houses.

Heh heh heh, you said private.

Squirt Squirt. I Hit The Target! Yeah! Squirt Squirt

Aside from “gross!”, I don’t have all that much to add here.

Brian Dijon Boyd, 27, was arrested Sunday afternoon in connection with a series of vile encounters at a Target in Tampa, according to a police report.
Store surveillance video recorded Boyd “knowingly and intentionally squirting white in color hair conditioner” on the “back and buttocks area” of four unsuspecting female victims. As he crept up on the women, Boyd has his sweat pants “pulled down away from the waist area” and was “stroking what appeared to be his penis.”

When police attempted to pull him aside for a little that was wrong, you should not have done that style chateroo, Boyd made a run for it but was quickly apprehended.

He now faces several charges including battery and indecent exposure. He was jailed with bond set at $6,000, which seems high but likely has something to do with his lengthy criminal history which, among other things, hilariously includes prior arrests for both carrying a concealed weapon and exposure of sexual organs.

Quit Playing With Our Broadcasts, You Wanker


The owners of radio station Mansfield 103.2 and Ofcom (the British equivalent of the CRTC) are trying to figure out who keeps hijacking the station’s frequency to play the happy little tune above and how it’s being done.

The communications regulator is hunting a radio pirate who has repeatedly hijacked the airwaves of a local station with a deliberately offensive song about masturbation.
The Winker’s Song, a 1970s ditty by an artist going by the name Ivor Biggun, has been illegally forced on to the output of Mansfield 103.2 at least eight times in the last month.
Ofcom said it was taking the incident “extremely seriously” and its engineers were working closely with the radio station to trace and identify the pirate.

Listeners were last subjected to the song, which uses the word “wanker” 36 times, this weekend during a live family broadcast from Mansfield’s Party in the Market event.

This is, of course, pretty goddamn funny. But it’s also a crime punishable by unlimited fines and up to two years in prison, so I really hope the joke is worth it.

Next Time, Vote GOP! Grand Old Penis!

Police officers responded to a call from the Forest Hills station in Jamaica Plain at approximately 12:15 a.m. regarding a man, later identified as James Sacchetti, exposing himself to an adult woman on a train. Sacchetti, 30, allegedly approached the woman and initiated a conversation about the election. Assuming she voted for Hillary Clinton, he implied that her decision was a poor choice, according to police.
When the woman responded by telling him that her vote was her personal business, he allegedly stood up from his seat, unbuckled his belt, and lowered his pants and underwear to expose himself to her. He then exited the train at Forest Hills.

His appearing to be a Trump supporter kind of ruins my joke about how he was just trying to show her a reasonable facsimile of the dick his stupid country somehow voted into office, but I’m going to go ahead and make it anyway.

Sacchetti was apprehended by police while still in the train station and charged with open and gross lewdness.

Hey Hey! HO Ho! The Security Guy’s Putting On A Show!

So apparently exciting things do happen at San Diego Chargers games after all.

A man who is not being identified has handed over his security guard license, been fired and plead guilty to committing a lewd act in public after being caught on video running through a few plays on the field near a group of cheerleaders. I don’t have the video, but there’s a blurred version in the news report, if you must.

A video clip captured at a December Chargers-Raiders game went viral, after a fan posted it on Facebook – claiming the security guard was touching himself while on the job. 
The security guard was on the field before the game, pleasuring himself just feet away from cheerleaders.
Team 10 has learned the man was quietly investigated, charged and sentenced after pleading guilty to a lewd act in public.
The man, who was fired from his job at Elite Services, voluntarily surrendered his security guard license less than two weeks after the incident.

The man, who had no criminal record, was given three years probation as well as sexual counseling and does not have to register as a sex offender.

Given the public nature of the spectacle that sentence strikes me as a little light, but between that and the reluctance to name him in spite of a conviction I have to wonder if a deal was worked out in order to spare everyone involved any further embarrassment.

Suddenly Those Perfume People Don’t Seem So Bad

As if shopping at Walmart could get any more unpleasant.

In early-November, a Walmart shopper told police that a “creepy” man lingered near her in the store’s makeup aisle. After the man passed behind her, the shopper “felt something wet on her foot and lower back.” The woman then went to the bathroom “and tried to wipe the material off her but it was sticky.”
On December 28, another woman told police that “some substance” had been “thrown or sprayed on her” while she was shopping at the same Walmart in Marietta, a city across the Ohio River from West Virginia. A review of store surveillance footage revealed that the suspect in last week’s incident was identical to the “creepy” man spotted in November.

After some police work, the culprit was identified as 28-year-old Timothy Blake, a bad liar from West Virginia. I say a bad liar because I bet most of you already have a pretty good idea what that substance was, and none of you have access to a forensic lab like the cops did.

After identifying the truck driven by the suspect, cops confronted Blake at a Wings Etc. restaurant as he sat down for dinner with his wife. When asked what he was throwing on the female victims, Blake first claimed that it was egg yolks. But when police advised that they “had the material tested,” Blake “then admitted that it was semen in the containers he was squirting” at the buttocks of women.

Yes, you did just read that his wife was there. That’s gonna be an awkward ride home later, methinks.

With the bad lying mostly but perhaps not completely out of his system, Blake got rather talkative, telling police that he’d gone into that Walmart and done this at least 12 times. On four of those occasions he said he used semen, while the others involved either egg yolks and flour or spit. Yup, he’s sticking to that egg story like semen to a department store customer. Not sure I’m buying it, but for all I know it could be true. Anyway, he said that when it was spunk day, he would do the deed in either his vehicle or the Walmart bathroom and impregnate a syringe, which he had many of because he owned a farm on which he was responsible for the inoculation of the animals.

When asked about his motivations, Blake gave the old I “thought she displayed exhibitionist characteristics and wanted to be noticed” chestnut and admitted that yes, he thought about sexual things while he was doing it. You know, in case there might be any confusion due to the myriad other reasons one might feel compelled to whip out an auxiliary man cannon at a shopping centre and start blasting away.

He was charged with two counts of felony obscenity and released after posting $11,000 bond. He was still free at last report,but required to wear a GPS monitor.