Gotta Go. Bone’s Dead

Never lie to your doctor. If you’ve somehow managed to lose a phone cable up your dong, just say so. Any embarrassment you may suffer will almost certainly pale in comparison to the week of unnecessary pain you’ll go through while they try to figure out why they can’t find the headphones you said you …

This Old Man, 74, Tied Used Condoms To My Door

So you know you want to be creepy and gross to the womenfolk, but you aren’t so sure that you want to be quite as in your face about it as some people. What do you do? Well, if you’re this particular fellow, you leave an extra package on their cars while they’re off enjoying …

Welcome To Ballmart

A 65-year-old Iowa man could spend up to a year in jail if convicted of charges resulting from an incident that saw him riding around a Walmart in one of the store’s electric carts whilst polishing the old pricing gun. Gary Michael Sheriff was accused of indecent exposure when he “exposed his genitals to customers …

Reese’s Pieces

The Reese McGuire public masturbation case has been resolved. It actually wound up over the summer, but this is me we’re dealing with here and I’m not always the quickest at getting to these things. Toronto Blue Jays catcher Reese McGuire has pleaded no contest to a disorderly conduct charge — a second-degree misdemeanour — …

Try Before You Buy

I haven’t been seeing nearly as much of this sort of thing lately (Virus keeping all of them at home?), especially not ones starring women. A Fort Pierce cop was dispatched early Tuesday evening to the Lion’s Den Adult Superstore “in reference to a disturbance,” according to an arrest affidavit. En route to the business, …

There’s A Whitewater Rapids Joke In Here Somewhere

Another dude has been caught slipping his baby mayo into the drink of an unsuspecting woman, but this time it’s not because he was trying to win her affection. Robert Tyson, 63, was found guilty last year of twice doing the deed to the water mug of a coworker he was having issues with. He …