by Steve Wettlaufer -

Simply Orange And A Few Other Surprises

Meet Willis Gene Burdette, who may or may not be Michael Kevin Lallana’s grandfather. If the two aren’t related, they’re at least spirit animals or something.

The woman contacted police after her home security system recorded Burdette entering the residence one afternoon. Burdette, a criminal complaint noted, got into the home by “using a key located inside of her shed.” Once inside, the married septuagenarian “began to masturbate inside a small tool room near the garage.”
Burdette then “removed a bottle of orange juice from the refrigerator and cum inside the bottle of orange juice,” a Jackson Township Police Department detective reported. He then proceeded to “shake the bottle” before returning it to the refrigerator.

Heh heh heh, you said tool room.

Unlike in the Lallana case, nobody put down any of the tainted love either by accident or for investigatory purposes, so the story has more than one happy ending.

Burdette, who had been working as a landscaper which is why he had access to the home in the first place, plead guilty to felony burglary and attempted felonious assault and was sentenced to 100 days in jail. He was also given three years probation, 200 hours of community service, an order to complete a mental health assessment and a ban from taking any job that would allow him into private houses.

Heh heh heh, you said private.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Squirt Squirt. I Hit The Target! Yeah! Squirt Squirt

Aside from “gross!”, I don’t have all that much to add here.

Brian Dijon Boyd, 27, was arrested Sunday afternoon in connection with a series of vile encounters at a Target in Tampa, according to a police report.
Store surveillance video recorded Boyd “knowingly and intentionally squirting white in color hair conditioner” on the “back and buttocks area” of four unsuspecting female victims. As he crept up on the women, Boyd has his sweat pants “pulled down away from the waist area” and was “stroking what appeared to be his penis.”

When police attempted to pull him aside for a little that was wrong, you should not have done that style chateroo, Boyd made a run for it but was quickly apprehended.

He now faces several charges including battery and indecent exposure. He was jailed with bond set at $6,000, which seems high but likely has something to do with his lengthy criminal history which, among other things, hilariously includes prior arrests for both carrying a concealed weapon and exposure of sexual organs.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Quit Playing With Our Broadcasts, You Wanker


The owners of radio station Mansfield 103.2 and Ofcom (the British equivalent of the CRTC) are trying to figure out who keeps hijacking the station’s frequency to play the happy little tune above and how it’s being done.

The communications regulator is hunting a radio pirate who has repeatedly hijacked the airwaves of a local station with a deliberately offensive song about masturbation.
The Winker’s Song, a 1970s ditty by an artist going by the name Ivor Biggun, has been illegally forced on to the output of Mansfield 103.2 at least eight times in the last month.
Ofcom said it was taking the incident “extremely seriously” and its engineers were working closely with the radio station to trace and identify the pirate.

Listeners were last subjected to the song, which uses the word “wanker” 36 times, this weekend during a live family broadcast from Mansfield’s Party in the Market event.

This is, of course, pretty goddamn funny. But it’s also a crime punishable by unlimited fines and up to two years in prison, so I really hope the joke is worth it.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Next Time, Vote GOP! Grand Old Penis!

Police officers responded to a call from the Forest Hills station in Jamaica Plain at approximately 12:15 a.m. regarding a man, later identified as James Sacchetti, exposing himself to an adult woman on a train. Sacchetti, 30, allegedly approached the woman and initiated a conversation about the election. Assuming she voted for Hillary Clinton, he implied that her decision was a poor choice, according to police.
When the woman responded by telling him that her vote was her personal business, he allegedly stood up from his seat, unbuckled his belt, and lowered his pants and underwear to expose himself to her. He then exited the train at Forest Hills.

His appearing to be a Trump supporter kind of ruins my joke about how he was just trying to show her a reasonable facsimile of the dick his stupid country somehow voted into office, but I’m going to go ahead and make it anyway.

Sacchetti was apprehended by police while still in the train station and charged with open and gross lewdness.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Hey Hey! HO Ho! The Security Guy’s Putting On A Show!

So apparently exciting things do happen at San Diego Chargers games after all.

A man who is not being identified has handed over his security guard license, been fired and plead guilty to committing a lewd act in public after being caught on video running through a few plays on the field near a group of cheerleaders. I don’t have the video, but there’s a blurred version in the news report, if you must.

A video clip captured at a December Chargers-Raiders game went viral, after a fan posted it on Facebook – claiming the security guard was touching himself while on the job. 
The security guard was on the field before the game, pleasuring himself just feet away from cheerleaders.
Team 10 has learned the man was quietly investigated, charged and sentenced after pleading guilty to a lewd act in public.
The man, who was fired from his job at Elite Services, voluntarily surrendered his security guard license less than two weeks after the incident.

The man, who had no criminal record, was given three years probation as well as sexual counseling and does not have to register as a sex offender.

Given the public nature of the spectacle that sentence strikes me as a little light, but between that and the reluctance to name him in spite of a conviction I have to wonder if a deal was worked out in order to spare everyone involved any further embarrassment.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Suddenly Those Perfume People Don’t Seem So Bad

As if shopping at Walmart could get any more unpleasant.

In early-November, a Walmart shopper told police that a “creepy” man lingered near her in the store’s makeup aisle. After the man passed behind her, the shopper “felt something wet on her foot and lower back.” The woman then went to the bathroom “and tried to wipe the material off her but it was sticky.”
On December 28, another woman told police that “some substance” had been “thrown or sprayed on her” while she was shopping at the same Walmart in Marietta, a city across the Ohio River from West Virginia. A review of store surveillance footage revealed that the suspect in last week’s incident was identical to the “creepy” man spotted in November.

After some police work, the culprit was identified as 28-year-old Timothy Blake, a bad liar from West Virginia. I say a bad liar because I bet most of you already have a pretty good idea what that substance was, and none of you have access to a forensic lab like the cops did.

After identifying the truck driven by the suspect, cops confronted Blake at a Wings Etc. restaurant as he sat down for dinner with his wife. When asked what he was throwing on the female victims, Blake first claimed that it was egg yolks. But when police advised that they “had the material tested,” Blake “then admitted that it was semen in the containers he was squirting” at the buttocks of women.

Yes, you did just read that his wife was there. That’s gonna be an awkward ride home later, methinks.

With the bad lying mostly but perhaps not completely out of his system, Blake got rather talkative, telling police that he’d gone into that Walmart and done this at least 12 times. On four of those occasions he said he used semen, while the others involved either egg yolks and flour or spit. Yup, he’s sticking to that egg story like semen to a department store customer. Not sure I’m buying it, but for all I know it could be true. Anyway, he said that when it was spunk day, he would do the deed in either his vehicle or the Walmart bathroom and impregnate a syringe, which he had many of because he owned a farm on which he was responsible for the inoculation of the animals.

When asked about his motivations, Blake gave the old I “thought she displayed exhibitionist characteristics and wanted to be noticed” chestnut and admitted that yes, he thought about sexual things while he was doing it. You know, in case there might be any confusion due to the myriad other reasons one might feel compelled to whip out an auxiliary man cannon at a shopping centre and start blasting away.

He was charged with two counts of felony obscenity and released after posting $11,000 bond. He was still free at last report,but required to wear a GPS monitor.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Hanging Out In This Tree

I wasn’t going to post about this John Kuznezow fellow that police in Wisconsin found in a tree while he was probably spying on women in an apartment building nearby, but then this sentence happened.

When the police asked the man to get down they noticed his pants were undone and found that he had no valid reason to be in the tree.

What a great sentence that is. I can’t stop laughing at it. But it does beg the question, what *would* be a valid reason for chilling in a tree with your pants open? Is it ok if you bring along tree trimming equipment to make it look like you might be a city worker on his lunch break?

In case you were wondering, Kuznezow was hauled in after he came down and charged with invasion of privacy.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Put Your Best Foot, Or At Least A Few Inches, Woodward

All that Patrick R. Marsh wanted was something we’ve all wanted at one time or another, I think. To “obtain” a little “courtship” from a lovely young thing on a warm summer day. Nothing wrong with that. No, nothing at all. Nor is there anything wrong with injecting a touch of creativity into your romantic pursuits. Some folks appreciate that. But rare is the bird who will perceive as creative and react appreciatively to your methods consisting of knocking on the door bare ass naked, twig and berries in hand. That’s a problem.

When the 30-year-old female victim answered her door in Woodward Township at about 12:30 p.m., she found a nude Patrick R. Marsh, 59, standing there with his genitals in his hands, according to police. 
Marsh went to the woman’s door in the East Park Drive Apartments complex “in an attempt to obtain courtship,” the Pennsylvania State Police said.

Yes, Woodward Township.

Marsh was charged with indecent exposure. No word on time spent in custody or whether courtship was obtained there.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

What Will You Wear, Kurt Jenkins

“And what is your costume supposed to be, little boy?”, is what I’d like to imagine the first question asked by the officer who encountered Kurt Jenkins on Halloween was.

According to a Boynton Beach police report, a witness called police to complain of a naked man who was driving slowly through the neighborhood. The witness said the naked man, later identified as Jenkins, pulled up alongside him and gestured for him to look at Jenkins’ groin area.
“(The witness) observed Jenkins was completely naked and saw an electronic device with wires, which was attached to Jenkins’ penis,” the police report said.
According to the report, the witness said Jenkins opened the passenger door and asked him to get inside. The witness declined but took a photograph of Jenkins naked behind the wheel.
Police said Jenkins made several passes through the neighborhood, slowing down — “almost to a complete stop” — as several children from a nearby school were dropped off.

Jenkins, who is 55 and far too old to be trick-or-treating, nevertheless had charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition, exposure of sexual organs and resisting a law enforcement officer without violence slipped into his bag…which sounds like something he may have enjoyed, now that I think about it.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Insert Cockpit Joke Here

British Airways has suspended one of its pilots while it investigates several photos that appear to show said pilot working the wrong set of instruments.

The photos, allegedly showing Colin Glover wearing stockings while performing a sex act on himself in the cockpit, have led British Airways to temporarily relieve the experienced pilot of his duties, the International Business Times reported.
The 51-year-old pilot, who has worked for the airline for 26 years, denies that it is him in the images.

Multiple photographs show a man with his feet on the cockpit controls while others show a man exposing himself in the toilet and a pornographic magazine on the cockpit dashboard.

It’s not stated where the pictures may have come from or who is believed to have taken them, but if Glover did all of that himself he must be a talented fellow. There’s also no mention of a Co Pilot being present which makes me a touch skeptical, but I’ve seen enough references to it that I’m willing to go with it for now.