We Said Use The Knife On The Food, Not On The Dude!

Story is almost a year old, but it still serves as a good reminder for us all to be better not only this year, but for how ever many more years we’re getting before the planet melts or blows up or washes away or dies of stubbornness or whatever it’s supposed to be doing this …

You Say Tomato, I Say “Motherfucker, I’ll Stab You In Your Fucking Face”

I think we might have bigger problems than simple tomatos here. Gates’s grandmother told police that the teenager “began to throw a fit because she couldn’t have more tomatoes at the dinner table.” Gates allegedly threw a water bottle at her grandfather and a pack of cigarettes at a 73-year-old female relative (who was struck …

It’s Ok If Not Everything Is About Coronavirus

So here we have a story about some asshat spitting at a Tim Hortons drive through worker. It’s got something to do with a dust up over payment that they make no effort to help me understand. Had it not been for this line, I likely wouldn’t even have bothered mentioning it. Police say during …

I Told You I’d Beat The Pulp Out Of You

I imagine this particular pumpkin was likely meant for carving, but I’m still counting its fate as a food feud because roasted pumpkin seeds are yummy and because pumpkin pie exists. Police say that when they responded to the couple’s Largo residence, the victim was “covered in pumpkin seeds and pulp.” Garisto, cops noted, was …

Your Goose Is Cooked Because My Lunch Isn’t

Another one I missed at the time, but police in France are looking for the person who shot a waiter to death last summer because his food was taking too long. I say are looking for because I’ve been unable to find any updates that say the search is over. Police say a murder investigation …

He Totally Blew His Stackhouse

I missed this story last year. While it’s an absolutely awful one, it checks too many of our boxes here for me not to mention it. It seems that Travis Stackhouse was given some cheesecake for Father’s Day. He had one piece, and then some of the damn kids got into it. This upset him, …