Quarter Pounder

I don’t make a habit of it and I feel a little bad whenever I do, but there have been times when I’ve paid for things with nothing but change. Thank goodness none of those times was a transaction at Islam El Masry’s food cart. I enjoy Sriracha, but not when it’s applied directly to my eyes. But hey, at least he was nice enough to give the poor woman some racial slurs for free…allegedly.

The owner of a downtown food cart was arrested on misdemeanor assault charges this afternoon after hurling a Gatorade bottle at a black customer and then allegedly spraying her with Sriracha.
A video taken by the alleged victim, Carlotta Washington, was provided to Willamette Week by an eyewitness. It shows Islam El Masry, owner of the Small Pharoah’s halal cart, arguing with Washington, who claims that El Masry called her the n-word after she attempted to pay for her lunch with quarters.
The video shows El Masry telling her to “get the fuck away” from the cart, then throws a Gatorade bottle at her, causing her to drop her phone.

Washington says that El Masry then sprayed her with Sriracha chili sauce, though that is not on the video.
“It was in my eyes and all on my skin. It was burning terribly,” Washington says.

I don’t know how many quarters it was going to take Washington to pay for her food, but El Masry will need about 16,000 of them if he’s going to make bail.

He’s An Easy Temper

Not sure who comes off looking worse here, honestly. Off-duty McDonald’s employee Phillip Bailey for chucking a smoothie at a 91-year-old man during a stupid drive thru argument, or Johnnie Douglas, the 91-year-old man in question, for reacting to the yogurt-based assault by returning fire with an actual gun.

The Indiana McDonald’s altercation that later led to a firearm being discharged arose from an argument in the drive thru according to the Richmond Police Department. Authorities report that there was a bit of rage between two cars next to each other in the drive thru and an argument eventually ensued. Once Phillip Bailey received his order he reportedly threw his smoothie at 91 year old Johnnie Douglas’ car.  Douglas then responded by firing a revolver at Bailey, who was unharmed. Douglas and Bailey were both arrested and Douglas was charged with criminal recklessness, while Bailey was charged with intimidation and disorderly conduct.

By the way, I’ve just learned that I am apparently unable to hear the name Philip Bailey without needing to listen to this song. Just me?

Cap’n Cord

I don’t necessarily advocate this sort of thing, but seriously, close the damn box, man. Is this really that hard?

According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap’n Crunch fresh. Smith was especially perturbed since he is missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal.
At one point, Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so that he could experience how hard it was to consume the Cap’n Crunch. When the man refused, Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord.

You know, the more I read, the more I think I get Duane Barry Smith. There’s the unless the box has suffered damage during opening, fucking shut it issue that we’ve already covered, but the man also has good taste in bad cereal. Cap’n Crunch is the friggin best, no room for argument.

Anyway, the beating caused Smith’s unidentified roommate injuries to his face, arm and hand. He is expected to be fine and to know better in the future, for Christ’s sake.

Smith, meanwhile, has been charged with domestic violence and may or may not be in custody. A jail official declined to comment when contacted, citing the facility’s policy of not commenting on the status of cereal offenders. Only half of that last sentence is true. I’ll let you decide for yourselves which one it is.

I Thought The French Were Supposed To Have Good Taste In Food

I’ve said it before, and though judging from this ridiculousness it may be one of my more unpopular opinions, I’ll say it again. Nutella is bad. But here people in France are, fighting over the stuff like it’s Black Friday or something.

Brawls have broken out in French supermarkets as shoppers scramble to get their hands on discounted pots of chocolate and hazelnut spread.
Chaotic scenes were filmed in several supermarkets across the country operated by the Intermarche chain, which offered massive discounts on pots of Nutella.
The promotion, launched on Thursday, reduced the price of more than a million 950-gram pots from 4.70 euros ($7.23) to 1.41 ($2.16).
In one video posted on Twitter, customers are seen shoving each other and shouting as they try to get as many pots as possible. According to Le Parisien newspaper, shoppers started to fight in the northern town of Ostricourt, prompting police to step in.

There’s video in the story linked above, video which I would happily have embedded here if only media companies cared as much about accessibility as we do. Even half as much would be nice, really.

Chocolate Chipped Tooth

This is pretty much your standard, garden variety food feud, which is sad. Things like these are supposed to be dumb and weird, not barely worth a comment.

Richard Anthony Hessic was upset that someone ate the last chocolate chip cookie and that his girlfriend of three years wasn’t taking him seriously, according to police. She told police she didn’t want to argue about something so petty, so she told him she’d buy more cookies.
She went to go try and take a shower, but Hessic followed her, police said. He felt like she was blowing him off, so he ripped down the shower curtain and punched her in the face.

He was charged with domestic battery. No mention was made of her injuries, if any.

A Cell Would Be A Fine Place For These Selwoods

Now, there’s a family whose parties were probably anything but fun. most of them ended up in jail for Christmas.

Meet the Selwood family. We have a guy who doesn’t mind stabbing a buddy for asking him to share his steak dinner, and also doesn’t mind stomping on other people’s heads, among his 17 convictions. We have another guy who tried to blow up an ATM to get the money. We have a mom and son duo who repeatedly get involved in fights in public. We have another daughter who squirted a neighbour with toilet cleaner for complaining about her loud music. She’s the only one on the loose at Christmas, but she’s just getting out. Yikes!

You might think your family is dysfunctional. I think this one has you beat.

Do You Have My Steak Today?

You know what’s sad? News has gotten so weird that this story of a customer pulling a gun on a McDonald’s employee because they wouldn’t serve him a steak bagel at 3 in the morning probably wouldn’t have caught my eye. As scary as I’m sure it was for the girl working that night, nothing happened, thank goodness, except the poor girl found out how far some jerks will go for a stupid steak bagel. He pulled a gun, cursed at her and drove off. It wouldn’t have twigged me, except it reminded me of another disagreement over a McDonald’s bagel that I personally witnessed. Thankfully, this one didn’t involve guns and wasn’t a real disagreement, but for a second, I thought maybe some of the other customers might have turned it into a real fight.

I can’t remember if Steve has written about the antics that he and his buddy Greg used to do when they were younger, but some of it involved messing with people at drivethroughs. They didn’t do anything harmful, they would just ask for weird things like peanut butter sandwiches or try to ask the workers trivia questions or stuff like that. Well, one night when I was hanging out with them, Greg decided to ask for a breakfast bagel in the evening. The girl was nice, but said they couldn’t give him one. He pretended to be all disappointed, saying that he works during the time they served them, and really wanted one. When she said they didn’t have any, he wondered where they would get them from for the morning. When she said they had the materials but they were frozen, Greg said that was fine, he would warm it up. They went back and forth a little more, and then suddenly, from the car behind us we heard someone yell “She said no, stupid! Move it!” I was sure we were going to become the victim of road rage. Thankfully, nothing happened, Greg gave up the joke and moved on, but I was freaked out for a while.

Getting back to the story, I can’t imagine a steak bagel being so good that not being able to get one would be worth pulling a gun and getting a criminal charge over it. Sheesh, chill out, man!


I’ve never had the stuff and maybe it’s much better than I think it is,but I tend to question the sanity of people who pay for the privilege of eating food from a 7-Eleven. Maybe that offends some of the convenience store connoisseurs in the crowd and for that I apologize, but Stephanie Hicks here isn’t doing a whole lot to make me reconsider my approach.

The employee told police that Stephanie L. Hicks had entered the Melbourne store just before 2 a.m. last Thursday, the Palm Bay Daily reported.
She had ordered a sandwich and a cup of nacho cheese.
When asked not to open the hot cheese dispenser, Hicks, 31, replied she didn’t like the employee’s attitude, Palm Bay Daily stated.
The clerk’s feelings were mutual, and she denied her service.
Hicks, just 5-foot-3 and 95 pounds, responded by chucking the full cup of steamy cheese at her.

The clerk, understandably upset, told Hicks she was calling police, to which Hicks responded that “the customer is always right.”

Apparently confident in that position and the centuries of legal precedent on which it was built, Hicks actually waited for police to arrive. Why start acting logically now, I suppose. When they did and had a chance to speak to the clerk and review the film from the security camera, Hicks was arrested and charged with battery. Yes, the fact that there was no mention of intoxication scares me too, you guys.

I Just Wondered Wondered Where’s My Fucking Pizza Pizza ‘Cause I’m Hungry

It’s not every day that one of these messed up order food feud stories goes from fight between customer and cashier to all out drunken brawl, but that’s what happened in Toronto over the weekend. So much for Canadians being nice all the time, I guess.

Paul Michael, 23, was at the restaurant when the brawl began at around 2 a.m. He said it started when a woman entered the restaurant on Queen St. E., at Broadview Ave., and complained that her pizza order was late.
“They didn’t call her to tell her it was ready so in the middle of the Pizza Pizza, she started screaming how she wasn’t satisfied,” Michael said.
“She was making this big scene and then someone else said something and one person just started grabbing another. The big thing just started happening when she jumped over the counter and started throwing the chips on the floor. So everything just started going crazy.”
That’s when Michael started recording. The video has been watched almost 10,000 times on YouTube as of early Tuesday afternoon.
“Everyone started pushing each other,” he said. “I don’t know how those other people really got involved. I just sat there and filmed the whole event.”

Sorting out charges is a little confusing, as depending on which source you go by (including different lines in the same article) either nobody was charged with anything or one person was dinged for public intoxication. But for now, that’s really not important. What we really want to know is what became of the pizza at the centre of all this.

“She did get the pizza,” Michael told the Toronto Star. “She was yelling about it as she got it. She ended up throwing it on the floor.”

Good thing she went to all that trouble.

But You Were Asking For It!

Men! They’re so confusing! They go crazy when you eat the grilled cheese sandwich, but then go even crazier when you don’t! Who can understand them!?

According to a criminal complaint, the incident in question occurred at a residence in the 14300 block of West Lisbon Road on Jan. 9. The girl told police that she went to the house where she met with Hastings.
The girl told police that upon arriving, she found Hastings in his kitchen making a grilled cheese sandwich. After talking for a few minutes, she alleges that Hastings pulled a gun from his pocket and pressed the barrel against her forehead. She then told police that Hastings “ordered her to move into the living room where he said something along the lines of the only thing worse for a woman than getting killed is getting raped.”
At this point, the girl alleges that Hastings attempted to pull down her pants; however, he was unable due to them being too tight. Hastings then pointed the gun at her face again and the girl told him that “he was being dumb and that he wouldn’t actually shoot her.”
According to the girl, Hastings then put the gun down and said that he was joking and just trying to see how she would react. The girl then attempted to leave the residence, but Hastings blocked her from doing so.
The girl told police that she was eventually able to leave the residence at which point she left the scene and later called the police.

Justin Hastings, police say, told them repeatedly that all of this started because that grilled cheese sandwich he was making was meant for her. She had asked for one before she arrived but then refused to eat it when she got there, which pissed him off. Not helping matters was that during the bit with the gun which Hastings was sure to point out was an empty pellet gun, she was laughing at him and telling him to pull the trigger. Oh,and she also told him to “go die in a hole,” and that’s just plain mean.

But what about all that rapey stuff?

That, he said, was simply him grabbing her and pushing her toward the stairs so that her sandwich wasting ass could go the hell outside where it belonged.

He was charged with attempted sexual assault and false imprisonment, crimes which could net him up to 36 years should he be convicted.

Next time, just go the Brandon Vezmar route, dude. $3 for the bread, butter and cheese slice seems entirely reasonable.