When I’m Done, We’ll Both Be Exhausted

A Kansas man who has not yet been identified since formal charges of misdemeanor lewd and lascivious behaviour have not yet been filed was arrested this week after being found attempting to have drunken sex with a car.

Police in Newton, a city 25 miles north of Wichita, responded Tuesday to a 911 call about a naked man beneath an automobile. The 24-year-old suspect, cops discovered, was trying to place his penis into the car’s tailpipe.
The naked man was “oblivious” when contacted by cops, said Lieutenant Scott Powell of the Newton Police Department. Despite the presence of cops, the suspect continued to try and have sex with the tailpipe, said Powell, who added that the man was eventually tased and taken into custody.

Police measured his blood alcohol content at .35, which is, in technical terms, a looooooooooooot! Because of this, he was taken to hospital for treatment.

Not much is known about the car, but let’s hope it’s ok.

I Heard They Were Extinct And I Thought I Could Help

“So, what’d you do this weekend?”

“Not too much. Paid the rent, did the laundry, watched some baseball…How about you? Did you get up to anything exciting?”

“Well, I went to the dinosaur theme park and got it on with a statue of a hatching T rex, does that count?

Police officers investigating images of a woman having sex with a dinosaur have identified a suspect after the sculpture had to be thoroughly cleaned by council workers.
Graphic images emerged showing the woman naked from her waist down on a children’s dinosaur sculpture in Exmouth last week.
She was seen mounting the baby Tyrannosaurus Rex model, who was placed in a fake egg.
The model is part of the popular local children’s attraction – the Exmouth Dino Trail.
Sergeant Richard Stonecliffe, from Exmouth Police, said: “We are still continuing our investigations and we have now identified the woman in the photographs who we will be speaking to.”

So far no charges have been laid, but surely it’s just a matter of time.

In the meantime, officials encourage everyone to keep visiting and enjoying the trail, but caution that “the dinosaurs are for looking at only and should not be touched or climbed on.”

Or humped, which really should go without saying.

Oh Baby, You’re The Grill Of My Dreams

Whether Michael Henson was having a really really good Tuesday or a really really bad Tuesday is a matter we could probably debate all day long, and which side of the argument you fall on is going to depend on how you feel about several things. The copious ingestion of substances, the amount of fun one can derive from swinging on stop signs, how liberating you find walking around in nothing but gym shorts, how much you enjoy camping or whether passing out in some guy’s yard even counts as such and how cute you would find the man van babies that might be coming to Ohio in the next nine months or so. It would be nine months, wouldn’t it? Somebody check on the gestation period of automobiles and get back to me.

Police responded to a report that a man with his pants down was swinging from a stop sign on Tuesday evening, WDTN-TV reported. 
When officers arrived, they found Michael Henson, who appeared to be intoxicated, walking around wearing only gym shorts and shoes.
A woman who called police told officers she saw Henson standing near a parked van. She said Henson pulled his shorts down and placed his genitals in the front grill of the van, WDTN reports.

The witness said Henson continued his actions with the van for a while before he passed out in a nearby yard.

Oh, and if you’re calling this one for the good time brigade, you’re going to have to see public indecency charges as a positive outcome, because Henson earned himself one of those by the end of the night.

Thanks for the link, Michelle. I don’t always remember to credit people for these things, so I’ll bet you’re proud as punch to have your name attached to this one.

Slip In Slide

A man with a fetish for children’s playground equipment has been banned from going anywhere that has a slide.

Christopher Johnson, 46, of Coventry, was arrested after simulating a sexual act with a slide.

He pleaded guilty at Coventry Magistrates’ Court to outraging public decency by behaving in an indecent manner and received a three-year Criminal Behaviour Order.

The order bans him from attending any location, including parks, leisure centres, swimming baths, lidos or recreation grounds were there is a slide.
Johnson also received a three-year community order, which includes having sex offender treatment for 18 months, and a rehabilitation activity requirement.

He was also ordered to pay a £55 fine, £85 in costs, a £180 criminal courts charge which sounds an awful lot to my admittedly uneducated brain like they’re double dipping on those costs and a £60 victim surcharge. £60? That’s a lot of money to mop a slide.

If that penalty sounds harsh to you, A: you’re probably a little weird yourself and B: it almost certainly has something to do with his previous conviction for doing the same thing in the summer of 2014.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what the hell a lido is (I was), it’s a beach, more or less.

Who Does That?

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?

A 22-year-old man has been charged after police say he climbed the National War Memorial in Ottawa and began “fornicating the statue.”
Ottawa police said in a news release that bystanders watched the man climb the memorial around 11:30 p.m. ET Sunday at the intersection of Sparks and Elgin streets.
The man was arrested at the scene and charged with mischief, police said. He appeared in court on Monday.

I’m not a death penalty guy, but I kind of hope they fry this idiot.

Nice Bush

It can be tough getting old.  They don’t let you drive anymore.  It can be hard to get out for a walk some days.  Your punk ass grandkids never call or come to visit unless it’s Christmas or they need something. Half your friends are dead.  Nobody wants to sleep with you unless you’re rich and they need something.  Yup, it can be a pretty sad, lonesome life.  But lonesome enough to drive one to relations with his landscaping?  I’m not sure about that one.

Police said they received a call from a neighbor complaining that Berg was walking around his backyard with no clothes on. They said the neighbor took some video of Berg’s actions, which he later showed them.
After witnessing the bush incident, police said the neighbor told them he confronted Berg who, “stopped the indecent behavior, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized to him and then went into the house.”

Wallace Berg, 81, was charged with second-degree breach of peace and public indecency based on the video and the fact that police say he was in clear view of anyone who happened to be in the area at the time.  He was released after posting $10000 bond.  You could buy one hell of a sweet hedge with that kind of cash, I imagine.  Stratford man charged with abusing greenery

That, by the way, is how you write a headline.  Short, descriptive, to the point, includes the phrase “abusing greenery”…it’s pretty well perfect.

Mountain Do

Don’t do meth, everyone.

Dominic Howells, prosecuting, said the owner of an allotment near Harwood Street found the shed had been broken into and the contents spread all around.
Among the wreckage she found the teddy bear.
“That was passed to the police and semen found inside came back to this defendant,” said Mr Howells.
“He told officers he was coming down off amphetamine and felt overwhelming need for sexual relief.”

“This defendant” is Paul Mountain, who pleaded guilty to a charge of burglary with intent to steal and was awaiting sentencing at the time of this report.

Note: I almost called this post Balled-A-Bear, but changed my mind at the last second. I like both titles, so needed to shoehorn that in here somewhere.

Return To Sender

Well, this is sad.

Paul Malebox Bennett, who I wrote about not all that long ago, was found dead in late February.

A Greater Manchester Police spokesman said: “We were called at 1.35am on Sunday, February 23, following reports the body of a 45-year-old man was found in Poolstock. His death is non-suspicious so the coroner is now dealing with it.”

We make a whole lot of fun of a whole lot of things around here and we always will, but it’s honestly a shame whenever somebody can’t get his problems sorted out and things come to a point like this.

It’s A Mailbox, Not A Malebox

This is why they let bartenders cut you off, I’m pretty certain.

Katie Beattie, prosecuting, told the court that on September 9 last year the complainant heard shouting and swearing outside her window. The witness saw the drunken 45-year-old defendant arguing with a woman. After the woman left, Bennett lay down on a bench in the precinct and started to shout. The court was told he sat up and the witness saw him expose himself and pull his trousers down. He then began performing a sex act and walked over to the postbox and “started to make sexual advances towards it.”

The court was told the worker then witnessed Bennett rubbing up against the postbox with his trousers down before walking away. The defendant’s arms were raised in a star position, he was continuing to expose himself and he was shouting “wow”. Ms Beattie said: “The victim was alarmed by his behaviour.” Bennett pulled his pants up then swung on a lamppost before looking at a reflection of himself in a window.

At some point he must have decided that pants up wasn’t working for him, since when police found him he was in front of a store, once again letting it all hang out. He finished off his evening by clenching his teeth and swearing at them as he was being arrested.

Someone Came Between Me And My Calvins

I can’t think of a better way to start a morning than reading about a dude with a bag on his head throwing a humping to a pack of women’s underwear in the great outdoors. So…

According to police, on Wednesday afternoon officers were respondind to a call in Oklahoma City when a witness told them that he and another woman had seen a naked man on the ground wearing what appeared to be a bag over his head.

When officers arrived, they said they saw the suspect, later identified as 26-year-old Jonathon Leon Warledo, on the other side of a fence. Officers said Warledo was lying face down on the ground completely naked. According to police, Warledo had a bag and women’s panties over his head, and he was performing a sex act with a bundle of women’s underwear.

When police inquired as to what exactly he was doing and why, he reportedly took off running. I hope his bag had eye holes.

Whether it did or didn’t soon became a non-issue, however, as officers quickly caught up with him and he was arrested on a charge of public indecency.