Hit By A Truck

Didn’t expect this one to go the way it did.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies standing there.

Is there a problem,” he asks?

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

“I am,” he replies.

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The man agrees and gets a photo to show them.

The deputies examine the photo, have a whispered conversation and then turn back to the man.

“I’m very sorry sir,” one of them begins. “But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

“I know,” says the man. “But she gives a great blowjob and she can really cook.”

Are You From Ireland?

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

“It’s Wales, you idiot!”, One of them snapped back.

I immediately apologized.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “are you two whales from Ireland?”

New Mottoes For United Airlines

Ever since the incident on United Airlines last week, people have been coming up with new slogans for United. Here’s a pretty good list.

  • Drag and Drop”
  • “We put the hospital in hospitality”
  • “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
  • “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
  • “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
  • “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
  • “We treat you like we treat your luggage”
  • “We beat the customer. Not the competition”
  • “And you thought leg room was an issue”
  • “Where voluntary is mandatory”
  • “Fight or flight. We decide”
  • “Now offering one free carry off”
  • “Beating random customers since 2017″
  • “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
  • “A bloody good airline”

What’s The Tartan?

Two Scotsmen, brothers Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

“Aye, it’s going to be grand,” said Jim. “I’ve got everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”

Finlay smiled and nodded approvingly.

“Heavens, I’ve even got a new kilt to be married in,” continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

“A kilt, that’s grand! You’ll look smart in that,” exclaimed Finlay. “And what’s the tartan?”

“Och,” said Jim, “I imagine she’ll be in white.”

Send Me Your…

Carin and I don’t generally send these sorts of texts to each other, but if we did, I imagine this is how it would end.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

He replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

Sheepdog

This showed up in my email this morning. It’s terrible. I liked it. I make no apologies.

A sheepdog finishes herding all of the sheep into their pen and reports back to the farmer.

“All 40 sheep accounted for, sir.”

“But I only have 38 sheep,” replies the farmer.

“I know,” says the dog, “but I rounded them up.”

Our First Pint

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn’t like it…so I had it.

Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn’t like it… so I had it.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Lines

Update:
Carin kinda sorta suggested I soundtrack this.

Original:
It’s terrible, but it’s starting to grow on me. Plus it’s been mailed to me at least three times, so the people have spokenish.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.

First he goes to get a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever, but he gets the flowers.

Next he heads to get a limo, but of course there’s a long limo line at the rental office. It takes a long time, but he gets the job done.

Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and having a good time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch. So he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.

The Minister’s Wife

Jack says to his friend Joe, “I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you do me a big favour and keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?”

Joe doesn’t like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Joe starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Joe what he’s really up to.

Joe, feeling guilty, finally confesses.

“My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to distract you.”

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Joe’s shoulder and says “If I were you, I’d hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago.”

The Size Of An Infant

It’s been a while since I’ve put up a joke, so since this one just hit the inbox, I don’t seem to have posted it before and I used to like telling it when I was a kid, let’s go with it.

Being a very traditional couple, Jim and Sandy have saved themselves for marriage. After dating for some time and deciding they are truly in love, Jim finally proposes to her.

But before she accepts, Sandy tells Jim that she has a confession to make. She has been stuffing her bra for years, she says, because her breasts are about the size of a 12-year-olds.

“That’s ok,” Jim says. “It doesn’t matter because I love you so much. Besides,” he continues, “I have a problem of my own. My penis is the same size as an infant, but I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

“Of course,” she says. “I love you, I will marry you and I will learn to live with your infant penis.”

So Sandy and Jim get married.

After the ceremony, they could hardly wait. So as soon as he could, Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite where they started touching and teasing one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she suddenly stopped, began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim, hot on her heels, asked what was wrong.

“You told me your penis is the size of an infant,” she yelled!

“It is,” explains Jim reassuringly. “7 pounds, 8 ounces!”