I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
“It’s Wales, you idiot!”, One of them snapped back.
I immediately apologized.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “are you two whales from Ireland?”
Carin and I don’t generally send these sorts of texts to each other, but if we did, I imagine this is how it would end.
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Carin kinda sorta suggested I soundtrack this.
It’s terrible, but it’s starting to grow on me. Plus it’s been mailed to me at least three times, so the people have spokenish.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.
First he goes to get a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever, but he gets the flowers.
Next he heads to get a limo, but of course there’s a long limo line at the rental office. It takes a long time, but he gets the job done.
Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and having a good time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch. So he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.
It’s been a while since I’ve put up a joke, so since this one just hit the inbox, I don’t seem to have posted it before and I used to like telling it when I was a kid, let’s go with it.
Being a very traditional couple, Jim and Sandy have saved themselves for marriage. After dating for some time and deciding they are truly in love, Jim finally proposes to her.
But before she accepts, Sandy tells Jim that she has a confession to make. She has been stuffing her bra for years, she says, because her breasts are about the size of a 12-year-olds.
“That’s ok,” Jim says. “It doesn’t matter because I love you so much. Besides,” he continues, “I have a problem of my own. My penis is the same size as an infant, but I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
“Of course,” she says. “I love you, I will marry you and I will learn to live with your infant penis.”
So Sandy and Jim get married.
After the ceremony, they could hardly wait. So as soon as he could, Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite where they started touching and teasing one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she suddenly stopped, began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim, hot on her heels, asked what was wrong.
“You told me your penis is the size of an infant,” she yelled!
“It is,” explains Jim reassuringly. “7 pounds, 8 ounces!”