You Sound Like My Ex

I thought I’d posted this one, but the search says otherwise.

Tim finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment as his wife watched. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Honey, I’ve been thinking. Now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”

Tim says nothing, but gets a horrified look on his face.

“Darling, what’s wrong,” she asks.

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife,” Tim says shakily.

“Ex wife!” she screams. “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t,” he replies.


Another one I thought I’d already posted.

Happy Easter, by the way.

Two old ladies are sitting on the front porch having a chat.

“Do you still get horny,” the first one asks?

“Oh sure I do,” replies the second.

“What do you do about it,” asks the first?

“I suck on a lifesaver and that usually takes my mind off of it.”

The second lady thinks about this for a moment and then asks “so…who drives you to the beach?”

Mini Golf

I saw a strip club across the street from a mini golf place. I’m a liberal, but that’s too much for me. What if you’re just trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and then your kids look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing mini golf?

By the way, am I the only one who can’t think about miniature golf without thinking about this?


This would be your stupid joke of the day.

A wife asked her husband, “Honey, could you please run to the store and get a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”

A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.

Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, “Why the hell did you buy so much milk?”

Her husband said, “They had eggs.”

Light Bulbs, BJs And Republicans

Found these in the inbox today.

*Son: Dad, can I have 20 bucks for a blowjob?
Dad: I don’t know son, are you any good?

*Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I know it’s not six, because my cellar’s still dark.

*A college kid’s in a suit hitchhiking home from a job interview when a Cadillac pulls up alongside him.

The driver opens the window and says, “What’s your politics?”

The kid says, “I’m a Democrat.”

The guy screeches away, blasting gravel in the kid’s face.

A few minutes later, a Lexus pulls up. The driver opens the window and says, “What’s your politics?”

The kid says, “I’m a Democrat.” 

The guy throws his coffee at the kid and zooms away.

A few more minutes pass and a blonde in a convertible Corvette drives up. She opens the window and says, “What’s your politics?”

The kid says, “I’m a Republican.”

She says, “Hop in and let’s go to my place.”

They go to her place, and before you know it they’re undressed and getting it on.

“this is unbelievable,” says the kid. “I’ve only been a Republican for twenty minutes and I’m already fucking somebody I don’t know.”

You’re From Ireland?

Seamus was tending bar when a patron came in and ordered a beer and a shot.

A little while later another came in and they struck up a conversation.

“Let me buy you a drink in memory of my mother land, Ireland,” the first said.

“Ireland?, I’m from Ireland too. I come from Dublin. Let’s drink to Dublin!” said the second.

“Dublin? Why I grew up there! Went to St. Mary’s,” replied the first.

“Me too,” said the second, “class of ’57.”

“Seamus, another round for the Class of ’57!” ordered the first.

And so it went.

A short time later, another patron came in.

“Hey Seamus, What’s going on in here today,” he asked, noticing the celebratory mood.

“Nothing much,” the bartender replied. “Just have the O’Reilly twins in drunk again.”

Priest Accident

Ten Catholic Priests are killed in a car accident.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, “If any of you are pedophiles, please get out of this line and go straight to Hell.”

Nine of them turn and start to walk away.

“Good,” says St. Peter. “And take this deaf cocksucker with you!”

What’d I Do?

I’m pretty pissed, you guys. I just got kicked out of the toy store up the street and I’m not even sure why. The security guy said something about not following directions, but that’s a lie. I totally was. The sign clearly said jack in the box.

Have A Few Jokes

Here are a few I’ve found as I try to clean out my holiday neglected inbox.

*One year, a man bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas.

The next year, he didn’t buy her anything.

“Why didn’t I get a Christmas gift from you this year,” she asks as the family is sitting around opening their presents.

“Well,” he says, “I didn’t think you wanted one. You never used the one I got you last year.”

*My Uncle Louie was the worst ventriloquist ever. He used to stick two fingers up my ass and tell me not to say anything.

*Last Christmas my Aunt Sadie hung herself. Being part of a traditional family, we didn’t take her down until the fifth of January.

*A guy’s at the bar, drunk. Another guy, wanting to be helpful, picks him up off the floor and takes him home.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, the second guy helps him out of the car, and on the way to the front door he falls down four more times.

The second guy rings the bell, and when the wife answers, he says, “Here’s your husband.”

“Thank you,” she says, “but where’s his wheelchair?”

*Two guys are talking one day.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but my wife thinks she’s a Christmas card.”

“Why don’t you send her to your psychiatrist?”

“Why should I? He never sends me one.”

*Q: How do we know that peanuts are fattening?
A: Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

*Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

One night at a singles’ bar, he started talking to a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

“I’m just an ordinary man,” he told her, “but in a week or two my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

She decided to go home with him, and the next day she became his stepmother.