Category: jokes

New Mottoes For United Airlines

Ever since the incident on United Airlines last week, people have been coming up with new slogans for United. Here’s a pretty good list.

  • Drag and Drop”
  • “We put the hospital in hospitality”
  • “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
  • “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
  • “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
  • “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
  • “We treat you like we treat your luggage”
  • “We beat the customer. Not the competition”
  • “And you thought leg room was an issue”
  • “Where voluntary is mandatory”
  • “Fight or flight. We decide”
  • “Now offering one free carry off”
  • “Beating random customers since 2017″
  • “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
  • “A bloody good airline”

What’s The Tartan?

Two Scotsmen, brothers Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

“Aye, it’s going to be grand,” said Jim. “I’ve got everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”

Finlay smiled and nodded approvingly.

“Heavens, I’ve even got a new kilt to be married in,” continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

“A kilt, that’s grand! You’ll look smart in that,” exclaimed Finlay. “And what’s the tartan?”

“Och,” said Jim, “I imagine she’ll be in white.”

Send Me Your…

Carin and I don’t generally send these sorts of texts to each other, but if we did, I imagine this is how it would end.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

He replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

Sheepdog

This showed up in my email this morning. It’s terrible. I liked it. I make no apologies.

A sheepdog finishes herding all of the sheep into their pen and reports back to the farmer.

“All 40 sheep accounted for, sir.”

“But I only have 38 sheep,” replies the farmer.

“I know,” says the dog, “but I rounded them up.”

Our First Pint

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn’t like it…so I had it.

Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn’t like it… so I had it.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Lines

Update:
Carin kinda sorta suggested I soundtrack this.

Original:
It’s terrible, but it’s starting to grow on me. Plus it’s been mailed to me at least three times, so the people have spokenish.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.

First he goes to get a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever, but he gets the flowers.

Next he heads to get a limo, but of course there’s a long limo line at the rental office. It takes a long time, but he gets the job done.

Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and having a good time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch. So he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.

The Minister’s Wife

Jack says to his friend Joe, “I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you do me a big favour and keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?”

Joe doesn’t like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Joe starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Joe what he’s really up to.

Joe, feeling guilty, finally confesses.

“My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to distract you.”

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Joe’s shoulder and says “If I were you, I’d hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago.”

The Size Of An Infant

It’s been a while since I’ve put up a joke, so since this one just hit the inbox, I don’t seem to have posted it before and I used to like telling it when I was a kid, let’s go with it.

Being a very traditional couple, Jim and Sandy have saved themselves for marriage. After dating for some time and deciding they are truly in love, Jim finally proposes to her.

But before she accepts, Sandy tells Jim that she has a confession to make. She has been stuffing her bra for years, she says, because her breasts are about the size of a 12-year-olds.

“That’s ok,” Jim says. “It doesn’t matter because I love you so much. Besides,” he continues, “I have a problem of my own. My penis is the same size as an infant, but I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

“Of course,” she says. “I love you, I will marry you and I will learn to live with your infant penis.”

So Sandy and Jim get married.

After the ceremony, they could hardly wait. So as soon as he could, Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite where they started touching and teasing one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she suddenly stopped, began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim, hot on her heels, asked what was wrong.

“You told me your penis is the size of an infant,” she yelled!

“It is,” explains Jim reassuringly. “7 pounds, 8 ounces!”

The Cajun 12 Days of Christmas

Last year, I had the Irish letter about the 12 days of Christmas, which incidentally, still makes me cry at the end. I suck. Am I the only one? Probably yes. I can’t stand watching people cry, even if they’re joking.

Now I see on a friend’s Facebook, there is a Cajun version.

12 days/letters of Cajun Christmas
Day 1
Dear Emile,
Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an’ it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2
Dear Emile,
Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3
Dear Emile,
Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4
Dear Emile,
Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5
Dear Emile,
You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da’ pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin’ Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6
Dear Emile,
Couchon! Back to da birds, you big dumb turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are dang good at eating cockroach around da’ house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.
Day 7
Dear Emile,
I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The poop from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat.
He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8
Dear Emile,
Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack–but dey say it wasn’t in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.
Day 9
Dear Emile,
What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin.” Mon Dieux, Emile, what I’m gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10
Dear Emile,
You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don’t kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be “ladies dancing” but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys.
Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out- house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
Day 11
Dear Emile,
Where Y’at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we’re having a fais-do-do. Da’
new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he’s having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da’ old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don’t open it.
Day 12
Dear Emile,
Me I’m sorry to tell you–but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I talked all da night with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen’s club on the bayou. The floozies–pardon me–ladies dancing can make $20 un hour for dancin’, and $50 un hour for, ah, o’ter services and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da’ maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business.
We’ll probably gross a million dollars next year.
Joyeaux Noel et Bonne Annee!

Now I think I’m officially gone.

Sorry, Santa

Surprisingly, this is the first Christmas joke I’ve gotten this year. I don’t think I’ve heard it before, which is also surprising. And it’s even funny, which is almost as surprising as those first two things. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when people send me jokes. But I’m pretty sure that through the years I’ve deleted more awful Christmas humour than some people have seen.

A farmer and his family are getting ready for bed on Christmas Eve when they hear a big crash behind the house. The farmer runs out onto the back porch and sees that Santa’s sleigh and eight tiny reindeer have crashed into the outhouse and are covered from head to toe in crap.

As he heads out to see if he can help, he hears Santa exclaim “Damn it, Rudolph! I said we were looking for the Schmidt house!”