Old Bert always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples wore, so when he saw some on sale after his round one day, he wasted no time buying them.
He was so delighted with his purchase that he decided to wear them home so he could show them off to his wife.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and asked “Honey, notice anything different about me?”
She looked him over and replied, “Nope.”
Frustrated as all getout, he stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
She looked him up and down and said “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
“That’s nice dear,” said his wife. “Too bad you didn’t buy a new hat.”
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell freshly fallen rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
A guy is standing over his tee shot, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed…
“What’s taking so long,” his partner finally asks.
“My wife is on the clubhouse porch, so I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Forget it,” replies the partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth while the man stared straight ahead. She watched as the woman slid totally out of sight and still, the man stared straight ahead.
Thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, the waitress walked over to the table.
“Pardon me sir,” she said, “but is everything ok? I think your wife just slid under the table.”
“No,” replied the man calmly. “She actually just walked in.”
A boy walks into the living room and says “hey Dad, I’m curious. Why did you name my sister ‘Teresa?'”
“Well son, your mother really likes Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter,” he answers. He pauses a moment and then asks, “you do know what an anagram is, right?”
“Yes dad, he replies. “I do. They taught us that in school. Thanks for answering my question.”
“No problem at all,” says dad. I’m glad you asked, Alan.”
A teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He’s a little skeptical, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression on them that she will reward him with sex.
He agrees, and extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help.
“First time?” the pharmacist guesses.
The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives. As everyone sits down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself.
After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, “I didn’t know you were so religious!”
He looks up at her and whispers back, “And I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender what the WiFi password is.
“You gotta buy a drink first,” says the bartender.
“Okay” says the guy, “I’ll have a martini.”
Time passes, and one martini has turned into three before he finally asks for the password again.
The bartender says, “yougottabuyadrinkfirst, one word, all lower case.”
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree. He let out a deep sigh and started to climb.
About an hour later, he reached a very high, long branch and slowly walked to the end. He turned, spread all four flippers, and jumped.
Landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh, started to climb again.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off.
Once again, he crash landed, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching all of this from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we tell him he’s adopted?”
A male statue and a female statue are in a park. They’re both stark naked and for years they’ve been staring at each other.
One day, God comes down and brings them to life.
The male statue says, “Do you wanna do what I wanna do?”
She says, “Well, hell yeah.”
So off they go into the woods. Twenty minutes later they come out, sweating & panting.
“What do you say we rest up awhile and then go do it again,” he asks?
“Hell yeah!” she agrees. “Only this time, you hold the pigeons while *I* shit on them!”
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”
“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”
“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”
“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.