A Few Quick Jokes

These are dumb. What’s your point?

*Did you hear about the depressed dyslexic?

He threw himself behind a bus.

*Q: Where do people go when they have two broken legs?

A: Nowhere.

*Q: What sound do porcupines make when they hug?

A: Ouch!

*”Son, what does your daddy do for a living,” asked the teacher.

“My daddy’s dead,” the boy replied.

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“Grabbed his chest and fell over.”

Carburetor

Sidney is cruising along the highway when his car starts misfiring and losing power before finally stalling for good. He steers it to the side of the road and tries to restart the engine without any luck. He calls AAA whose service man arrives a short while later, listens to his account of the car’s failure and lifts the hood to start work.

As he knows nothing about engines, Sidney wanders off a little way for a smoke. As he is returning to his car, the engine suddenly starts and runs without a single misfire or puff of smoke from the exhaust.

“Brilliant!” declares Sidney. “You fixed it! Was it easy?”

“Yeah’, says the mechanic. “It was nothing serious. Just shit in the carburetor.”

Sidney thinks for a second and says “OK, how often should I do that?”

That’s Not What It’s Called!

The radio just reminded me of this one.

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

He knocks on the front door, and Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool,” says Bobby.

Making conversation, Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop and maybe to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, who can only respond with “Whaaaat?”

“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw! She’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night’s plans.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!”

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”

We’re Looking For…

This one seems rather topical at the moment.

Two priests are driving down the road when all of a sudden they notice that several police cars are following them and one of the officers is signaling them to pull over.

” What seems to be the problem, officer?” asks the priest as he rolls down his window.

“We’re stopping everyone because we’re looking for a couple of child molesters,” answers the cop.

The priest in the driver’s seat looks over at the other priest for a second, then turns back to the cop and says, “Ok, we’ll do it.”

New Golf Shoes

Old Bert always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples wore, so when he saw some on sale after his round one day, he wasted no time buying them.

He was so delighted with his purchase that he decided to wear them home so he could show them off to his wife.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and asked “Honey, notice anything different about me?”

She looked him over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated as all getout, he stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

She looked him up and down and said “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”

“That’s nice dear,” said his wife. “Too bad you didn’t buy a new hat.”

Fancy New Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell freshly fallen rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and smell the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

The Perfect Shot

A guy is standing over his tee shot, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed…

“What’s taking so long,” his partner finally asks.

“My wife is on the clubhouse porch, so I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Forget it,” replies the partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

Is Your Wife Ok?

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth while the man stared straight ahead. She watched as the woman slid totally out of sight and still, the man stared straight ahead.

Thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, the waitress walked over to the table.

“Pardon me sir,” she said, “but is everything ok? I think your wife just slid under the table.”

“No,” replied the man calmly. “She actually just walked in.”

Your Name Is An Anagram

A boy walks into the living room and says “hey Dad, I’m curious. Why did you name my sister ‘Teresa?'”

“Well son, your mother really likes Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter,” he answers. He pauses a moment and then asks, “you do know what an anagram is, right?”

“Yes dad, he replies. “I do. They taught us that in school. Thanks for answering my question.”

“No problem at all,” says dad. I’m glad you asked, Alan.”

I Didn’t Know

A teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He’s a little skeptical, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression on them that she will reward him with sex.

He agrees, and extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help.

“First time?” the pharmacist guesses.

The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.

Finally, the big night arrives. As everyone sits down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself.

After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, “I didn’t know you were so religious!”

He looks up at her and whispers back, “And I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”