I’m Thankful For Free Turkey

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

What Is This?

This joke is very bad (just the way I like ’em), but it does have me wanting a daiquiri. Might take the edge off my traditional post-dentist headache. Hmmm…

Doctor Jones likes to stop into his local bar after work for an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead.

The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?”

And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

Hit By A Truck

Didn’t expect this one to go the way it did.

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies standing there.

Is there a problem,” he asks?

One of the deputies asks if he is married.

“I am,” he replies.

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The man agrees and gets a photo to show them.

The deputies examine the photo, have a whispered conversation and then turn back to the man.

“I’m very sorry sir,” one of them begins. “But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

“I know,” says the man. “But she gives a great blowjob and she can really cook.”

Are You From Ireland?

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

“It’s Wales, you idiot!”, One of them snapped back.

I immediately apologized.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “are you two whales from Ireland?”

New Mottoes For United Airlines

Ever since the incident on United Airlines last week, people have been coming up with new slogans for United. Here’s a pretty good list.

  • Drag and Drop”
  • “We put the hospital in hospitality”
  • “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
  • “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
  • “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
  • “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
  • “We treat you like we treat your luggage”
  • “We beat the customer. Not the competition”
  • “And you thought leg room was an issue”
  • “Where voluntary is mandatory”
  • “Fight or flight. We decide”
  • “Now offering one free carry off”
  • “Beating random customers since 2017″
  • “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
  • “A bloody good airline”

What’s The Tartan?

Two Scotsmen, brothers Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

“Aye, it’s going to be grand,” said Jim. “I’ve got everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”

Finlay smiled and nodded approvingly.

“Heavens, I’ve even got a new kilt to be married in,” continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

“A kilt, that’s grand! You’ll look smart in that,” exclaimed Finlay. “And what’s the tartan?”

“Och,” said Jim, “I imagine she’ll be in white.”

Send Me Your…

Carin and I don’t generally send these sorts of texts to each other, but if we did, I imagine this is how it would end.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

He replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

Sheepdog

This showed up in my email this morning. It’s terrible. I liked it. I make no apologies.

A sheepdog finishes herding all of the sheep into their pen and reports back to the farmer.

“All 40 sheep accounted for, sir.”

“But I only have 38 sheep,” replies the farmer.

“I know,” says the dog, “but I rounded them up.”

Our First Pint

I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn’t like it…so I had it.

Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn’t like it… so I had it.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Lines

Update:
Carin kinda sorta suggested I soundtrack this.

Original:
It’s terrible, but it’s starting to grow on me. Plus it’s been mailed to me at least three times, so the people have spokenish.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.

First he goes to get a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers so he goes to a florist and there is a huge flower line there. It takes forever, but he gets the flowers.

Next he heads to get a limo, but of course there’s a long limo line at the rental office. It takes a long time, but he gets the job done.

Finally the day of the prom comes and the two are dancing happily and having a good time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch. So he heads over to the punch table and there is no punchline.