Priest Accident

Ten Catholic Priests are killed in a car accident.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, “If any of you are pedophiles, please get out of this line and go straight to Hell.”

Nine of them turn and start to walk away.

“Good,” says St. Peter. “And take this deaf cocksucker with you!”

What’d I Do?

I’m pretty pissed, you guys. I just got kicked out of the toy store up the street and I’m not even sure why. The security guy said something about not following directions, but that’s a lie. I totally was. The sign clearly said jack in the box.

Have A Few Jokes

Here are a few I’ve found as I try to clean out my holiday neglected inbox.

*One year, a man bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas.

The next year, he didn’t buy her anything.

“Why didn’t I get a Christmas gift from you this year,” she asks as the family is sitting around opening their presents.

“Well,” he says, “I didn’t think you wanted one. You never used the one I got you last year.”

*My Uncle Louie was the worst ventriloquist ever. He used to stick two fingers up my ass and tell me not to say anything.

*Last Christmas my Aunt Sadie hung herself. Being part of a traditional family, we didn’t take her down until the fifth of January.

*A guy’s at the bar, drunk. Another guy, wanting to be helpful, picks him up off the floor and takes him home.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, the second guy helps him out of the car, and on the way to the front door he falls down four more times.

The second guy rings the bell, and when the wife answers, he says, “Here’s your husband.”

“Thank you,” she says, “but where’s his wheelchair?”

*Two guys are talking one day.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but my wife thinks she’s a Christmas card.”

“Why don’t you send her to your psychiatrist?”

“Why should I? He never sends me one.”

*Q: How do we know that peanuts are fattening?
A: Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

*Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

One night at a singles’ bar, he started talking to a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

“I’m just an ordinary man,” he told her, “but in a week or two my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

She decided to go home with him, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Shoot Three Times

Two hunters get separated from their group. After a few hours, they realize that they can’t find their way home and that there seems to be no one around.

“What do we do,” asks the first? “It’s starting to get dark.”

“Well,” says the second, “I’ve heard that if you get lost while hunting, you should shoot three times in the air as a signal to others that you need help and they’ll come looking for you.”

“Ok,” says the first, “let’s try that.”

He shoots three times.

Nothing happens.

After some time, they decide that maybe nobody heard their signal, so the second hunter shoots three times.

Again, nothing happens.

Each tries a few more times, but still, nothing.

Getting desperate, the first hunter asks “Alright, what do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” says the second. “But I hope somebody finds us soon, because we’re all out of arrows.

A Few Quick Jokes

These are dumb. What’s your point?

*Did you hear about the depressed dyslexic?

He threw himself behind a bus.

*Q: Where do people go when they have two broken legs?

A: Nowhere.

*Q: What sound do porcupines make when they hug?

A: Ouch!

*”Son, what does your daddy do for a living,” asked the teacher.

“My daddy’s dead,” the boy replied.

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?”

“Grabbed his chest and fell over.”

Carburetor

Sidney is cruising along the highway when his car starts misfiring and losing power before finally stalling for good. He steers it to the side of the road and tries to restart the engine without any luck. He calls AAA whose service man arrives a short while later, listens to his account of the car’s failure and lifts the hood to start work.

As he knows nothing about engines, Sidney wanders off a little way for a smoke. As he is returning to his car, the engine suddenly starts and runs without a single misfire or puff of smoke from the exhaust.

“Brilliant!” declares Sidney. “You fixed it! Was it easy?”

“Yeah’, says the mechanic. “It was nothing serious. Just shit in the carburetor.”

Sidney thinks for a second and says “OK, how often should I do that?”

That’s Not What It’s Called!

The radio just reminded me of this one.

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.

He knocks on the front door, and Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool,” says Bobby.

Making conversation, Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop and maybe to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, who can only respond with “Whaaaat?”

“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw! She’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night’s plans.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!”

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”

We’re Looking For…

This one seems rather topical at the moment.

Two priests are driving down the road when all of a sudden they notice that several police cars are following them and one of the officers is signaling them to pull over.

” What seems to be the problem, officer?” asks the priest as he rolls down his window.

“We’re stopping everyone because we’re looking for a couple of child molesters,” answers the cop.

The priest in the driver’s seat looks over at the other priest for a second, then turns back to the cop and says, “Ok, we’ll do it.”

New Golf Shoes

Old Bert always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples wore, so when he saw some on sale after his round one day, he wasted no time buying them.

He was so delighted with his purchase that he decided to wear them home so he could show them off to his wife.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and asked “Honey, notice anything different about me?”

She looked him over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated as all getout, he stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

She looked him up and down and said “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”

“That’s nice dear,” said his wife. “Too bad you didn’t buy a new hat.”