A male statue and a female statue are in a park. They’re both stark naked and for years they’ve been staring at each other.
One day, God comes down and brings them to life.
The male statue says, “Do you wanna do what I wanna do?”
She says, “Well, hell yeah.”
So off they go into the woods. Twenty minutes later they come out, sweating & panting.
“What do you say we rest up awhile and then go do it again,” he asks?
“Hell yeah!” she agrees. “Only this time, you hold the pigeons while *I* shit on them!”
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”
“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”
“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”
“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
This joke is very bad (just the way I like ’em), but it does have me wanting a daiquiri. Might take the edge off my traditional post-dentist headache. Hmmm…
Doctor Jones likes to stop into his local bar after work for an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead.
The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?”
And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
Didn’t expect this one to go the way it did.
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies standing there.
Is there a problem,” he asks?
One of the deputies asks if he is married.
“I am,” he replies.
The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The man agrees and gets a photo to show them.
The deputies examine the photo, have a whispered conversation and then turn back to the man.
“I’m very sorry sir,” one of them begins. “But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”
“I know,” says the man. “But she gives a great blowjob and she can really cook.”
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
“It’s Wales, you idiot!”, One of them snapped back.
I immediately apologized.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “are you two whales from Ireland?”
Ever since the incident on United Airlines last week, people have been coming up with new slogans for United. Here’s a pretty good list.
- Drag and Drop”
- “We put the hospital in hospitality”
- “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
- “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
- “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
- “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
- “We treat you like we treat your luggage”
- “We beat the customer. Not the competition”
- “And you thought leg room was an issue”
- “Where voluntary is mandatory”
- “Fight or flight. We decide”
- “Now offering one free carry off”
- “Beating random customers since 2017″
- “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
- “A bloody good airline”
Two Scotsmen, brothers Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.
“Aye, it’s going to be grand,” said Jim. “I’ve got everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Finlay smiled and nodded approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even got a new kilt to be married in,” continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.
“A kilt, that’s grand! You’ll look smart in that,” exclaimed Finlay. “And what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” said Jim, “I imagine she’ll be in white.”
Carin and I don’t generally send these sorts of texts to each other, but if we did, I imagine this is how it would end.
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
He replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
This showed up in my email this morning. It’s terrible. I liked it. I make no apologies.
A sheepdog finishes herding all of the sheep into their pen and reports back to the farmer.
“All 40 sheep accounted for, sir.”
“But I only have 38 sheep,” replies the farmer.
“I know,” says the dog, “but I rounded them up.”
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn’t like it…so I had it.
Then I got her a Carling Black Label, she didn’t like it… so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the stroller back home.