Put The Money In The Bag. I’ll Be Outside Double Checking, So Don’t Try Anything

Bank robbery pretty clearly is not for Michael Gale Nash. Not only did he whip out the old write your hold-up note on a paper with your name and birthday written on the other side of it gimmick, but then he didn’t even bother running away once he got his money from a disproportionately frightened teller.

Anchorage police rapidly solved a bank robbery Tuesday after the suspect handed the teller a hold-up note with his name and birthdate on the back, according to a charging document filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Anchorage.
But Anchorage police didn’t even need that handy tip to arrest Michael Gale Nash after he left First National Bank Alaska on 36th Avenue in Midtown with $400 in a bag, the FBI says.
“It’s my understanding he was sitting outside the bank counting his money when police arrived,” said Staci Feger-Pellessier, a spokeswoman with the FBI in Alaska.

Nash entered the bank wearing a large backpack, sweater and blue jeans shortly after 4 p.m. Tuesday, documents say.

He handed the teller a note: “This is a hold up. Please put the money they want in the bag. God help us!!!”
The hold-up note was written on the back of a form from an organization that provides affordable housing in the Lower 48. Nash’s personal information was on the form.
Feger-Pellessier said she understands no weapon was involved.
The teller, new to the job, was “momentarily dazed,” and did not immediately follow steps to alert police and co-workers. But a manager noticed the look on her face after the teller interacted with Nash, learned the details and reported the crime.
The teller “was visibly shaken, displaying shortness of breath and on the verge of crying,” according to the affidavit by an FBI investigator.

Police say Nash confessed to the crime and was arrested, which temporarily solves his affordable housing problem. I doubt that was his plan all along, but at least he has something to show for his efforts.

The Dashcam Giveth And The Dashcam Taketh Away

Note to Xavier Moran: If you own one of those dashcams that records everything, there’s more than a slim chance that the word everything means exactly what you’d think it would. This is important, because not only will it have the good evidence on it that will prove you weren’t at fault in that car accident, but it’s also likely to keep that pesky attempted robbery stuff around, too.

The Palm Beach Post reports that after 25-year-old Xavier Moran was involved in a crash on April 5, he told a sheriff’s deputy he had been cut off by another driver and could prove it with his dashboard camera. He then signed a consent waiver to search the camera.
When the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputy reviewed the footage, he saw Moran burglarizing a beauty store. Authorities say the video showed Moran taking a baseball bat from the trunk and someone using the bat to break the glass door to the store.

He’s been charged with burglary, of course.

Who Was That Masked Man? It Was Kerry

Update: Somewhere between me hitting publish on this and going to the site to make double sure that I hadn’t messed anything up, the second Facebook post went from looking for him to noting that he was captured. Never underestimate the power of the Vomit Comet.

Original post:
Police in Georgia are looking for Kerry Hammond, a 22-year-old man they say broke into a GameStop.

But wait, didn’t you say in your headline that he was wearing a mask?

I sure did, but I also put his name in there because the mask in question was pretty damn awful.

Water Bottle Plastic Wrap Disguise

DID YOU EVER give any thought to what your disguise was going to be when you decided the life of crime was your bag of water? Well this guy did! And YES he used a plastic bag used to package bottle water. This puts new meaning to the term WaterHead! In all seriousness, this craftily disguised gent, decided to burglarize GameStop here in St. Marys last night. DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?You can help us catch him, once you stop laughing. Please give our detectives a call at our office at 912-882-4488, the non-emergency number to 911 at 912-729-1442, Crime Stopper Tip Line and remain anonymous 912-576-0565. We'll be sippin' water while we wait!Please LIKE and SHARE – More Photos and video in the comments

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Friday, April 13, 2018

Yes, genius here “disguised” himself in one of those clear plastic things that bottled water comes in. It worked about as well as you’d think.

*****He has been captured and subsequently bonded out of jail. *****Calling ALL CARS……Calling ALL CARS Be On The…

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Tuesday, April 17, 2018

If you know where he might be or if you somehow recognize him out and about without his mask on, give them a call.

If This Isn’t Where The Term Criminal Court Came From, It Maybe Should Have Been

I’d have to go back and check to be absolutely sure, but I feel pretty comfortable saying that this, by far, is the oldest Master Criminals story we’ve ever featured here. It dates all the way back to 1725 and involves two robbers taking each other to court for fraud after their partnership went south.

How the case even ended up in court at all is unclear, although one account claims that it was, in fact, Williams who made the first move: After a quarrel over the value of a gold watch they had acquired in a recent robbery, Williams sued Everet for £200. When Everet failed to show up to court (perhaps understandably, given the true nature of their business, although Everet would claim he was in prison), the action against him went undefended, and Williams won not only the case but Everet’s share of the spoils as well. In response, Everet—presumably aggrieved that Williams had won the case—then raised his own case against Williams. He took the unusual step of hiring a pair of solicitors, William Wreathock and William White, to represent him. Wreathock and White, in turn, hired legal counsel, a barrister by the name of Jonathan Collins, who drew up an official complaint and took the highwaymen’s case to the Court of Exchequer.

The bill Collins compiled—which requested that Williams account for the value of the goods in question, and repay any money owed to the plaintiff—is a masterclass in legalese. At no point are the criminal aspects of Everet and Williams’s business alluded to, and instead Collins merely wrote that:
“… pursuant to the said agreement, [Everet] and the said Joseph Williams went on and proceeded jointly in the said dealing with great success on Hounslow Heath, where they dealt with a gentleman for a gold watch … [Williams informed Everet that] Finchley was a good and convenient place to deal in, and so they dealt there with several gentlemen or divers watches, rings, swords, canes, hats, cloaks, horses, bridles and other things to the value of £200 and upwards.”

Yes, lawyers were already shifty in the early 18th century. Thankfully that tendency had not yet spread to judges, and the one presiding over this case was not having any of it. He not only dismissed it, but he also ordered that lawyers Wreathock and White be arrested and charged with contempt, and that barrister Collins pay every cent of the costs associated with the case from his own pocket.

As for Everet and Williams, they both wound up arrested and hanged a few years later, an outcome aided in no small part by police knowing what they did and where they did it thanks to the lawsuit.

And because some folks never learn or because leopards don’t change their spots or because whatever expression you want to use, William Wreathock wasn’t done getting himself into trouble. Five years after this case finished up, he himself was convicted of robbery and run out of town, or “sentenced to transportation” as I was surprised to learn that they called it back then.

Idiot Job

This seems like as good a time as any to remind you that movies are fake and that the sorts of things that work there don’t generally translate to real life.

A suspected car thief tried to make the perfect getaway by racing down a flight of stairs but ended up being rescued by police after getting wedged between two walls.

In scenes reminiscent of the Italian Job, the 31-year-old plunged down the winding staircase in a Union Flag-topped Mini Cooper at 11.30pm last night.

Unfortunately for him, his car became stuck halfway down the path in Morpeth, Northumberland, and emergency services had to rescue him when he realised he couldn’t even open the doors.

Police were happy to help him out of his trap, at which point they charged the unnamed man with aggravated vehicle taking and hauled him off to a different one.

Aside From Every Bit Of It Being Stupid As Hell, I Understand None Of This

I don’t know if Thomas Hartman was high on his own supply or what, but I’m having trouble coming up with anything else that would explain any of this.

For some reason, Hartman accused either his cousin or his brother (depending on whether you believe the written article or the irritating autoplaying video on a loop) of robbing him of cash and a cell phone at gunpoint. Police, after questioning the accused and watching some surveillance footage that put him on the other side of town at the time, quickly put an end to that story and told Hartman that it would probably be in his best interest to come clean about why he was really there.

And then things got weird, as if they weren’t already strange enough.

The Douglas County Attorney’s Office released video to ABC affiliate KETV of an October incident in which suspect Thomas Hartman is seen putting a chair on top of a table inside an interrogation room at the Omaha Police Headquarters, climbing atop it, lifting the ceiling tiles and stashing eight individually wrapped packages of crack cocaine inside, according to Omaha Police Department public booking arrest report obtained by ABC News.
Officers caught him in the act. “You’re at the frickin’ police station, man, and you put a chair up and tried to get in the ceiling,” an officer can be heard telling Hartman on the surveillance tape.

The officer is seen searching the ceiling and a small white bundle falls out. The officer doesn’t see it initially, but later another officer is seen straightening up the room on the surveillance tape when she discovers the drugs.
“Mother…” she can be heard uttering on the video as she leans down to grab the bag of crack cocaine, which had fallen under the table when police searched the ceiling.

Police also found somebody’s wallet up there, a detail that deserves far more explanation than the brief mention it’s given. Whose was it? Did Hartman stash it at the same time as the drugs? Was it already there? If the answer to question two is yes, how? Why?

But back to Hartman. Police had his girlfriend in another room, where she was explaining to them that the robbery story wasn’t true and that she had been selling sex because Hartman had told her to. Hartman himself eventually admitted that he made it up, but we still don’t know why.

He was ultimately convicted of possession of a controlled substance but not false reporting, which he was also charged with when he was arrested. Add that to the list of things that make no damn sense here, a list that includes literally every other thing that just happened.

Why Can’t I Bolt In This Bolt?

Cory Allen Patrick and I have something in common. Neither one of us knows how to drive an electric car.

The owner of a 2017 Chevy Bolt told police he had stopped at a stop sign at the intersection when a man, later identified as Patrick, approached his driver’s-side window, the affidavit said.

It said the driver rolled down the window and that Patrick yelled “get out of the car.” The driver rolled up the window but Patrick then smashed it, climbed inside and attacked the driver, the document said.
The driver struggled with Patrick but then got out of the car because “he did not want to die over a car,” the affidavit said. Patrick then attempted to drive away but couldn’t because he didn’t know how to drive an electric car, according to the document.

It said the owner of the car later told police, who were alerted at 11:10 a.m. Saturday, that “his vehicle cannot be driven like a normal vehicle and takes some getting used to.”

How much getting used to? Not much, from the sounds of it. The differences between this Bolt and a regular car basically come down to the way it handles and pushing a button.

But the button wasn’t Patrick’s only problem. He also had to deal with a machete-carrying witness. Patrick, who still remembered how to run, promptly did so upon seeing him. He was soon found hiding in some grass and arrested.

He’s charged with robbery by assault, a second-degree felony that could potentially net him a 20 year prison sentence.

If The Police Are Out Here Looking For Drugs, Somebody’s Got To Sell Them To Them, Right?

Ageron Calhoun
Someone who apparently doesn’t know what uniformed police officers look like

This news release from the Alexandria, Louisiana police department says basically everything that this post is going to need, so I’m just going to leave it here.

Suspect Waves Drugs for Sale in Front of Officers
On February 22, around 7:00 pm, APD officers were conducting an investigation at a residence in the 2300 block of Hynson Street. There were several officers present, some standing outside the residence in uniform. Two officers noticed a Cadillac pulling down the street and saw it slow down and begin to turn around in the middle of the street. While they were watching, they saw the driver hold up a plastic bag in his hand.
The officers were surprised, as this appeared to be an indication that the driver was advertising drugs for sale, and they were in uniform and easily visible. The officers approached the vehicle while the driver patiently waited, and as officers neared the car, the driver became noticeably surprised. The driver made a half-hearted attempt to conceal the plastic bag, however he soon turned it over to the officers. The package contained hydrocodone pills, which the suspect was selling.
The driver was identified as Ageron Calhoun, and was charged with Possession of CDS II with Intent to Distribute, as well as No Driver’s License in Possession. He was booked into the Rapides Parish Detention Center; during the booking process, Calhoun expressed regret at not identifying the officers more quickly.

Your Money Making Strategy Is The Pits, Sir

A wee bit of free advice, if I may.

If you owe $560,000 in back child support, have managed to evade capture for 20 some years and are considered by the American government to be that country’s most wanted deadbeat dad, maybe don’t try to defraud a restaurant. That is to say, be smarter than Joseph Stroup, or Joop Cousteau, as he had been calling himself during his time on the run.

Living in the Calgary area, Stroup had become somewhat of a regular at the Bears Den — a now-closed restaurant just outside Calgary’s city limits to the northwest in the community of Bearspaw — and was well liked by the staff.
“Just over the top charming,” said Scott Winograd, the restaurant’s former general manager and co-proprietor.
But that changed in November following an unusual request by Stroup.
“One day out of the blue, he ordered a Cherry Coke and he wanted eight maraschino cherries in it, which is just bizarre. That just doesn’t happen,” said Winograd.
But the customer always being right, staff put the drink together and served it to Stroup.
“About a minute later, he calls the server over and he’s clutching his jaw and says, ‘I bit into a pit and broke some dental work,’ and he holds this pit up,” said Winograd.

Problem: maraschino cherries don’t have pits in them, at least not that I, or the folks at the Bears Den, have ever seen.

And Stroup wasn’t quite done being…er…stroupid.

“He held up this pit that looked like a regular cherry,” said Winograd.
“Fair enough. My supervisor handled it and the next day, this gentleman comes in with forms from a dental office, and it looked sketchy because it was all handwritten forms… it didn’t look official by any means, but he had his name on it, and his birthday.”

Armed with that information and a sense that he might be about to get fucked here, Winograd headed for the Google. The first thing he found was a Facebook page that had been started by one of Stroup’s sons, and a few clicks later…bingo!

“The picture was him from 20 years ago, a spitting image,” It was absolutely him,” he told the CBC. “Nothing had changed, just older, hair loss, glasses now, but I was sure it was him.”

To make absolutely certain, he invited Stroup to come to the restaurant for some dinner and some settlement talks. Stroup took him up on it three times, it says here. All the while, Winograd was in contact with Canadian authorities who said there wasn’t a whole lot they thought they could do, as well as American ones who had no such issue.

Stroup was arrested in February by Canada Border Services and now lives in the United States again. The country is putting him up for free while he awaits trial. Hopefully he’s spending his downtime reading books about what fruit looks like.

Police Have Locked Him UP And Thrown Away The Key, Which They Remembered To Bring With Them

A question for the bank robbers in the crowd. Setting your car keys on the counter: stupid or really stupid? Seriously, why would you ever do that? If they’re not staying in the getaway vehicle, should they not stay safely in your pocket? Isn’t that, like, the only thing that makes any sense?

A man robbing a Utah bank told the two tellers he had a gun, and he demanded they hand over their money, police said.
Then David Hamson, 39, stuffed the cash into a bag around 5:30 p.m. Thursday and left the Taylorsville, Utah, bank, hoping to get away from the crime scene in a car he’d stolen, police told KSL.
As he got to into his getaway car, though, Hamson realized he’d made a big mistake: He had left the keys to his stolen car on the counter at America First Credit Union, witnesses told police. At that point, Hamson decided to flee on foot, News 4 Utah reports.
But even on foot Hamson kept tripping up, police said. As he ran away, his bag of cash got caught on something and ripped, according to police, sending the stolen money flying, KSL reports.

Police caught up with him not far from the bank, thanks to the help of several witnesses. But even had they not been there, the trail of money leading straight to him probably would have helped.

Hamson was taken into custody, and police say they plan to charge him with aggravated robbery. They also say he’s a suspect in several other, presumably less calamitous hold-ups.