Where Have All The Good Men Gone, And Where Are All The Dogs

You know, because I need a heroin.

Depending on your worldview, Joseph Murphy has either had a really fun or really rough 2017.

He kicked things off by getting arrested at a Disney hotel in Orlando, smashing his head into the police car partition, trying to choke himself, yelling “fuck Donald Trump” for some reason and then pissing all over the floor of the police station and spraying an officer’s leg in the process.

He followed that up by catching a DWI for crashing a Mercedes and blowing a .121.

And then there’s this.

According to police, 20-year-old Joseph Murphy dialed 911 and said he needed a police dog.
“You need a police dog?” the operator asked. “What’s going on there?”
Murphy replied, “She stole heroin from me.”

Police body camera shows officers questioning Murphy. On the video, Murphy can be heard explaining that a woman stole money from him.
But the officers wanted to know about the heroin that he mentioned on the emergency call.
“What’s this about the heroin because we were told she took your heroin?” an officer asked.

Murphy responded with something that couldn’t quite be made out, then apparently gave up on his attempt to trick the cops with his “heroin? I said money. Must have been a bad phone connection” act and pulled what the police described as a brown, waxy, heroin-looking substance out of his pants.

It was confiscated and Murphy was taken to the station for a nice fingerprinting before being released.

Why was he released, you ask. He was let go while police await the results of testing on his pants wax. Police say charges are pending.

Excuse Me, Mr. Sketchy Looking Guy? What The Heck Is A Rubbery?

At least once we’ve covered would-be robbers with handwriting so terrible that their victims had trouble figuring out what exactly they were up to. In that case, the poor penmanshiped perpetrator was juuuuuuuust smart enough to get out of Dodge when it became clear that things were heading south. Dion Taylor, on the other hand, does not appear to be burdened by similar levels of intelligence.

When Taylor walked into a Youngstown, Ohio dollar store and handed over his incomprehensible demand letter, the clerk took a look at it, then asked Taylor if he could read it to him. Rather than just leaving, that’s exactly what he did.

According to a police report, a man walked into the Family Dollar store on Market Street about 7:30 Thursday and handed the clerk a note.
The clerk said he couldn’t read the handwriting and handed it back to the man and asked him to read it to him. The robber complied and read the note aloud.
Youngstown Police say the note read, “This is a robbery, please be quiet. Don’t let your pride get you killed.”

To his credit, Taylor did get away with some cash and a pack of smokes, but he was arrested the next day thanks in part to all the surveillance photos of him that were taken whilst he stood there performing his literary masterwork.

Fake Name, Real Fool

Today’s handy criminal tip: If you’re going to give a police officer a false name, maybe make sure you’re not still wearing the employee ID that has your real one on it.

Police say 24-year-old Keyonna M. Waters was reportedly parked in a fire lane at the Liberty Plaza Shopping Center when an officer on patrol made contact with her. When asked for her information, police say Waters gave a fake name. The officer, however, noticed that Waters was wearing a name tag from her job with the name “Keyonna Waters” on it. Running that name through the computer system confirmed her identify, police said.

The mystery of why she would be so eager to make up a name was also an easy one to solve, as the charges she was hit with included driving with a suspended or revoked license.

It’s Me, Grandma. The Ghost Of Dumbshit Present

There are a lot of better ones, but on the surface at least, sending a fake obituary to the newspaper to throw the police off your trail maybe isn’t the absolute dirt worst idea in the world. but if you’re going to do that, you’re going to need to leave a contact number because the paper is going to want to confirm things before they run it. And if you’re going to need to leave a contact number, you’re going to want to let the person who owns that number know that you’re dead so that when the call comes, they can give the right answer.

The Beaver County Times reports that an obituary for 21-year-old Anastasia Kline was submitted to The Times via email Wednesday night. The obituary, which was sent from an email address containing Kline’s full name, claimed she died “unexpectedly” on Tuesday afternoon.

The obituary included Kline’s grandmother’s phone number for contact information, and when The Times reached out, her grandmother said Kline was not dead. The Times also reached out to local coroner’s and medical examiner’s offices and were unable to verify Kline’s death.

The list of offenses she’s wanted for includes theft, passing bad checks and forgery. If she was as detail-oriented with all that as she was here, it’s no mystery why the cops are on to her.

Follow Your Arrow To Jail

I figure I might as well ruin two songs with this case.

Remember the story about the guy getting shot with an arrow? Well, a few days ago, Eric Amaral pleaded guilty, and is going away for a long time.

When they charged him with the murder, there was a small part of me that was worried that maybe they had no idea who did it, the public was all scared, and when this guy was dumb enough to shoot a cop with a pellet gun, he turned into an easy target, har. But after reading this article, I don’t think that anymore.

What kind of wacko uses a random dude for “target practice”? If I thought the words “For all we know, the attacker just wanted to watch someone go down.” would give me chills, this little paragraph certainly does.

The Kitchener man admitted he was in the bush of Breithaupt Park shooting at targets with his crossbow when he saw Gibbon walking on the sidewalk. Amaral got down on one knee and fired.


There was a sick part of me that was amused by the fact that the thing that allowed police to meet up with Amaral was the guy forgetting his passport at home. The theme of trying to catch a plane and forgetting my passport has become a new recurring nightmare I have. I didn’t know people *actually* did that in real life.

It sounds like this guy is where he belongs.

When We Catch Him, We’ll Grill Him. Hopefully He’ll Tell Us The Tooth

Police in Minnesota are looking for a group of six or seven people in possession of several hundred dollars that doesn’t belong to them and possibly one brain between them that might, if we’re being extremely generous.

When police arrived, the Eastside Grillz employee told police he had a valuable piece of evidence — he had used a putty substance to make a mold of the teeth of one of the males in the group.
“This robbery affects me as a business owner, as this is money that I have to replace out of my own pocket and it’s unfortunate we live in a time where people feel the need to take what they want instead of work hard and earn what they want,” said Kari Schill, who owns Eastside Grillz. “I do hope my employee’s witty thinking will help the police capture these thieves.”
Schill said she doesn’t believe the suspects thought through the robbery.
That’s because not only did one person in the group leave his teeth imprint, which police could use to match to him, but he also provided contact information for the grill he was ordering Wednesday. Another male in the group was picking up a grill he already ordered and had previously left his contact information, Schill said.

Their Criminal Exploits Were A Smash Hit

This isn’t the worst getaway ever attempted, but it ought to be in the conversation for at least an honourable mention.

Oh, and it probably deserves one more thing, too.

According to the Kannapolis Police Department, officers responded to a report of shots fired into the Rent-A-Center on Cannon Boulevard around 2 a.m. Wednesday. When officers arrived, they saw two men trying to load a TV into a car. Police say the two men then jumped into separate vehicles and crashed into one another in the parking lot.
Following the collision, police say both men drove away driving the wrong way on South Cannon Boulevard before both were involved in separate crashes.

Willie El’Beehard Anthony and Jamarqua Antonio Davis ages 20 and 16 respectively were both quickly arrested and now face a laundry list of charges including break and enter, hit and run, drug possession and I hope you’re sitting down for this one, driving without a license. Yes, both of them got that last one.

What Are You Doing? I’m Confessing To A Crime, What Does It Look Like I’m Doing? Go Back To Bed

Not many details here, but this sort of effort is a clear sign that you’re either in the fuck it, I don’t care anymore and am about to retire from the life of crime phase or that maybe it’s an I never really wanted this job in the first place thing.

Barrie police say a thief was nabbed by officers after he stopped to wash his hands inside a home.
They say a man woke up last night to find a stranger in his home, washing up.
When asked what he was doing, the suspect said he was cleaning up after siphoning gas from vehicles on the property — so the homeowner called police.

I know we regularly make fun of people for lying about their motivations and that generally speaking honesty is the best policy, but come on, man. At least try.

A 53-year-old man now faces several charges including break and enter and theft under $5,000. If past performance is an indication, I’m sure he’ll be launching a vigorous defense any day now.

Is This Stolen Truck Stolen, Officer?

On some level, I’m pretty sure I understand what Adriana Salas was thinking. If I were driving around in a stolen truck, it sure would be nice to know whether or not the cops knew that I was driving around in a stolen truck. But there’s wanting to know and being dedicated to finding out, and that difference is where she loses me.

The arrest report states Salas showed up at the Sheriff’s Office and asked dispatchers if the truck she was driving was stolen.
A deputy arrived to speak with Salas, ran the truck information in a crime database and found it was reported stolen out of Jonesboro, according to the report.
The deputy read Salas her Miranda Rights and asked how she obtained the truck. Salas explained to the deputy she stayed in Jonesboro for a week with a friend. The two got into a fight and she stole his truck and headed to Fort Smith, the report states.
After explaining that, Salas slightly changed her story and told the deputy the truck wasn’t registered to her friend, but to another man, according to the report.
Salas continued explaining she showed up at the Sheriff’s Office because her cellphone died while traveling and once it was charged, she received a text message from the registered owner stating that the truck was reported stolen, the report also states.

Then, in a classic case of giving someone enough rope, the deputy asked if she’d like a chance to make a call so that she could sort this whole misunderstanding out. Salas declined the offer, stating that her friend wouldn’t be able to get in touch with the truck’s owner because they were asleep. How she knew this from 250miles away or why she would care considering the alternative I don’t know, but that’s what she said. Note: Yes, I do know. So do you.

She was taken into custody on suspicion of felony theft by receiving of more than $5,000 and at last word remained there in lieu of $7,500 bond.

Oh The Weather Outside Was Frightful, And To Thieves The Fates Were Spiteful

On the same morning within about 2 and a half hours of each other, two separate theft attempts in Abbotsford, B.C., were foiled by the weather. The snow, to be specific.

The second and I think slightly less humourous of the two happened around 7:15 A.M. on the morning of February 7th (happy birthday, Carin!) when an unidentified man spotted a Ford Focus that its owner had left unattended and idling. Don’t ever do that, by the way. Whether I mean leave your car running and alone or drive a Ford Focus is for you to decide, but in any event, that man decided to give the lonely Focus some attention, so hopped in and took off. Unfortunately for him and perhaps for Ford’s ad agency, he only made it about a block before getting the damn thing hopelessly stuck in the snow. But instead of leaving and maybe managing a clean getaway, this fella decided that now that he’s already made a scene, it would be a good time to scoop up documents with the rightful owners name all over them plus take the keys before running away. He got about as far as the Focus before police caught up with him.

And before that, there was this.

Abbotsford police spokesman Const. Ian MacDonald said that after a residential break and enter around 5 a.m., the suspect’s van became stuck in snow near a popular, central fast-food restaurant. The suspect then asked a passerby for help.
“The person he asks is the victim of the break and enter,” MacDonald said. “Yup.”
Of the 140,000 people in Abbotsford the suspect could have asked for assistance, it was the victim of his crime, who had just finished reviewing security footage of the incident.
The victim instantly recognized the driver and phoned police. Officers arrived promptly and arrested the suspect who was “quite well known to police,” MacDonald said.

I don’t know if the biggest lesson to be learned here is don’t commit break-ins, asking for help is bad for you or it snows every year, but that last one may be good to keep in mind if you’re determined to ignore the first.