Are You Happy To See Me Or Did You Leave Weed In Your Gitch Again

Let’s mark this one down as a good try. And when I say good, of course what I actually mean is what a terrible, terrible try.

A Port St. Lucie police officer about 11:20 p.m. spotted a “suspicious vehicle/parking violation” involving a Chevrolet Silverado in the 600 block of Southeast Majestic Terrace.
An officer smelled burned marijuana wafting from the vehicle.
Investigators say the passenger, 32-year-old Tyce Fields, had a violation of probation warrant and was taken into custody.
An officer reported extracting a bag of marijuana from Fields’s “groin area.”
“Tyce stated that he didn`t know the cannabis was on him because he recently changed underpants,” a report states.

Have You Checked Your Nose?

I don’t know this for an absolute fact, but if you put a gun to my head and told me to guess I’m pretty sure I’d tell you that yes, David Blackmon was more than likely getting high on his own supply. If not his own, then somebody’s. Why else would he have called the cops, told them his job was drug dealer and then gone on to report the theft of cash and cocaine? Cocaine that, as it turns out, was right where he left it.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County…

Posted by Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office on Monday, July 17, 2017

Just in case anything ever happens to that Facebook post, here’s what it says.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office Sunday morning to report that someone had stolen a baggie of cocaine and cash from his car.
32-year old David Blackmon of 119 Carson Drive, who identified himself as a drug dealer, told the responding deputy that someone entered his car while it was parked at 400 Ed Street and stole $50.00 and about a quarter ounce of cocaine off the center console.
The deputy however spotted cocaine still in that spot. He also found a crack pipe on the floorboard by the driver’s door and seat and a crack rock on the center console by the cocaine. The money was not located.
Blackmon is charged with possession of cocaine, resisting arrest without violence, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

During his arrest, Blackmon, who is currently free on $4,000 bond, wondered aloud why the officer, if he had found the supposedly stolen drugs, let him keep talking.

Come on, man. Obviously it’s because he was making conversation while he tried to help you find your cash. That’s just common sense.

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Gonna Cruise On Home

In case you were wondering (god I hope you’re not), there are no good times to steal a police cruiser. There are only bad times and worse times, And one of the worst times of all is when the cruiser on which you have your eye is sitting in the parking lot of its police station with an officer inside of it.

It happened about 5 a.m. on July 17 as Officer Robie Troutman was in his patrol vehicle at the main police station writing a report, according to his report.
“While in my vehicle, I heard the rear passenger side door handle make noise and then the front passenger side door handle make noise, where I was positioned seated in the driver seat of my clearly marked Fort Pierce Police Department Patrol vehicle,” the report said.

Troutman opened his door and reported seeing a man later identified as Aaron Orlando Rodriguez III run away and hide behind another vehicle.

When he was arrested which didn’t take long because it’s amazing how quickly the cops can get to you when you come to them first, he was found to be carrying two cell phones, a portable speaker, $20 and the best chance we have of explaining any of this, a pipe containing marijuana residue.

When questioned, Rodriguez told officers that he tried to take the vehicle because it was running and he wanted a ride home.

Should have dropped that 20 bucks on a cab, dude.

Swing And A Miss, His Luck Is Out

As a lad, I remember watching Danny Tartabull play baseball. He was pretty good at it as I recall, especially at the part where you hit the ball very well seemingly more often than you miss it.

But as good as he was at that, he was apparently much less good at paying his child support. He was so not good at that, in fact, that he was convicted and labeled a deadbeat dad back in 2011. He was given probation which it turns out he was not good at not violating, so in 2012 he was given some jail time as punishment.

So…uh…guess what else Danny Tartabull wasn’t good at. If you said showing up to serve his time, congratulations, you’ve been paying attention. Since he didn’t turn himself in, a warrant was issued for his arrest, which brings us back to things that Danny Tartabull is good at.

For nearly five years, Danny Tartabull, who I remind you was a pretty famous baseball player that somebody somewhere would almost certainly still be able to recognize today, managed to not get himself hauled in. Impressive.

But no matter how good one is at something, there inevitably comes a day when one is going to slip up. For Danny Tartabull, that day was July 24th, 2017. On that day, someone broke into his car. As one does when someone breaks into one’s car, he called the police. The police, as police do, ran his name through the system. Go on and guess what they found.

Tartabull was arrested and at last word was sitting in jail awaiting a meeting with a judge.

Not good Danny, not good.

I Need That Cash Back! How Am I Supposed To Buy a Clue Without It?

After you’ve broken into an apartment in an attempt to rape somebody only to be chased off by a dude with a sword, you’d think you might want to lay low for a while and maybe stop pushing your luck. But you, my friend, are not Francisco Chavez. *His* next move was to waltz into the local police station and report the wallet he dropped whilst running for his life as stolen.

“When I got to the landing at the top of the stairs, I took one cut at him with the sword, but he ducked, and I missed and dented the wood railing.”
The man ran down the stairs. Dolan went back to check on the bruised and rattled woman, call 911 and wake a friend visiting from Boston who’d slept through it all on a couch several feet away. 
“While we were waiting for police to arrive, I found the guy’s wallet on the ground,” Dolan said. “It must have fallen out of his pocket. I found a Carolina Panthers hat, too.”

Around the time the police got there, a man walked in to a nearby Shakespeare District police station in Logan Square and reported he’d been the victim of a robbery, that his wallet was stolen.

Officers ran a search on his name and discovered he was wanted for the attack that Dolan had put a stop to with his $100 Medieval Times sword.
Francisco Chavez, 39, who lives in Logan Square, was charged with home invasion, attempted aggravated criminal sexual assault and aggravated criminal sexual abuse.

But it doesn’t quite end there, as he also happened to match the description of someone police were looking for after a somewhat similar incident at a different building a couple weeks earlier.

A woman told the police she saw a man urinating in the middle of the day in Pulaski Park just north of Division Street and west of the Kennedy Expressway who then followed her for about a block to her apartment and began pacing back and fourth outside her building, according to Assistant Cook County State’s Attorney Ed Murillo.
When a couple of dog walkers asked what the man was doing, he responded: “I’m just waiting for that white bitch next door,” according to Murillo.
Minutes later, the woman saw the man peeping through a window and ran out her back door. Two workmen chased him away.
Minutes later, the dog walkers saw him climb through a bedroom window into the woman’s apartment, Murillo said. The woman heard a noise and found Chavez standing in her closet.
She again ran out of the house screaming. Murillo said Chavez chased and tried to grab her, but the two dog walkers again were passing and chased him down an alley, where he was caught on a surveillance camera.

So now, because he didn’t want to hang out on hold long enough to report his cards as lost and get replacements like a smart person, he’s jailed without bail. Thank Christ he’s not a smart person. What a creep.

It Could Also Mean Pilferer Of Everything

It hasn’t happened in a few years to my knowledge, but it was only going to be a matter of time before some guy (it’s always a guy) went and pulled a Wolfname, and that time is now.

Police in Boynton Beach, Florida, had been trying to solve a rash of thefts from local businesses. they had an idea of who they were looking for thanks to a description obtained from security footage, a description that included a right forearm tattoo that read “POE”. So when officers noticed a man who looked like their guy at a gas station, naturally they wanted to have a chat. During that conversation, they couldn’t help but notice the tattoo on his arm. It read “POE”. Bingo, we got him. But what does “POE” mean? A bit of investigation revealed that it meant Poe, as in Ryan Austin Poe, who has since been jailed for burglary and imbecility.

A 30-year-old man has been arrested in connection with a series of break-ins at Boynton Beach businesses, according to police reports.
Boynton Beach police managed to identify Ryan Austin Poe in part because surveillance video captured a tattoo with Poe’s last name spelled out in capital letters on his right forearm.
Poe, who is homeless, is facing three counts each of burglary, two counts of grand theft and one count of petit theft and was being held at the Palm Beach County Jail late Tuesday in lieu of $25,000 bail.

They Got No Rings, But The Police Got A Couple Of Collars

We use this one a lot, but appropriate is appropriate, soooo…

Though it’s doubtful you would need one, if ever should come a day when screwing up a jewelry store robbery really, really badly becomes necessary, I present to you this handy guide courtesy of Colin Ayers and Mervin Chong.

  • Make sure that it’s 9:30 in the morning so that people are everywhere.
  • Dress yourselves in dark coats, hoodies, balaclavas and masks.
  • Use a moped as your vehicle of choice.
  • Don’t wear helmets like you’re supposed to though. You have enough stuff on your head that they wouldn’t fit anyway, but this makes sure that you’re just a little bit more noticeable.
  • Ensure that at least one of you is riding around on that moped looking like a helmetless robber while also trying to hide a pick axe between his knees.
  • Circle the place a few times, because people crammed onto a moped dressed like that with no ill intentions do that sort of thing every day.
  • When suspicions get the better of those people that are everywhere and they call you in, drive into the nearest pole while trying to get away from the newly arrived police.
  • When you abandon the freshly crashed moped and make a run for it, bolt straight into one of the nice officers.
  • And just to make sure that no doubt exists about who is responsible for everything, do not, under any circumstances, remove any of the pictures you took of the store from your phone.

Each has been jailed for two years after pleading guilty to charges of conspiracy to commit burglary, but Ayers was also given a bonus month for breaching bail after deciding that his sentencing hearing did not require his presence.

Wrong, Xiong, Booooo

This is absolutely ground we’ve covered before, but since I consider what I’m about to share with you to be an absolutely fantabulous reason to cover it again that may perhaps never be topped, let’s do that.

When they come to your door, always (Always!) allow the nice officers to speak first so that you can be absolutely certain of the reason for their visit. Sometimes they don’t want what you think they want and chances are that if you don’t tell them what they’re supposed to be after, they still won’t want it when your chat concludes.

The latest to learn this lesson is 37-year-old North Carolina resident Cody Xiong, who police say literally had 500 million reasons to know better than to open his big, dumb mouth.

Police in North Carolina discovered a field of opium poppies worth an estimated $500 million after the man growing them assumed that officers had already uncovered the operation and offered a premature confession.
Catawba County deputies appeared at the door of Cody Xiong, 37, to follow up on an unrelated complaint, the Washington Post reports. But when he opened the door Xiong ventured: “I guess you’re here for the opium.”
They weren’t, but soon found what he was alluding to: over an acre of poppy plants aligned in rows in Xiong’s backyard.

He was taken into custody and charged with felony counts of manufacturing a Schedule II drug and trafficking in opium, but later posted $45,000 bail and was released. How ever did he come up with that sort of cash, I wonder.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone, And Where Are All The Dogs

You know, because I need a heroin.

Depending on your worldview, Joseph Murphy has either had a really fun or really rough 2017.

He kicked things off by getting arrested at a Disney hotel in Orlando, smashing his head into the police car partition, trying to choke himself, yelling “fuck Donald Trump” for some reason and then pissing all over the floor of the police station and spraying an officer’s leg in the process.

He followed that up by catching a DWI for crashing a Mercedes and blowing a .121.

And then there’s this.

According to police, 20-year-old Joseph Murphy dialed 911 and said he needed a police dog.
“You need a police dog?” the operator asked. “What’s going on there?”
Murphy replied, “She stole heroin from me.”

Police body camera shows officers questioning Murphy. On the video, Murphy can be heard explaining that a woman stole money from him.
But the officers wanted to know about the heroin that he mentioned on the emergency call.
“What’s this about the heroin because we were told she took your heroin?” an officer asked.

Murphy responded with something that couldn’t quite be made out, then apparently gave up on his attempt to trick the cops with his “heroin? I said money. Must have been a bad phone connection” act and pulled what the police described as a brown, waxy, heroin-looking substance out of his pants.

It was confiscated and Murphy was taken to the station for a nice fingerprinting before being released.

Why was he released, you ask. He was let go while police await the results of testing on his pants wax. Police say charges are pending.

Excuse Me, Mr. Sketchy Looking Guy? What The Heck Is A Rubbery?

At least once we’ve covered would-be robbers with handwriting so terrible that their victims had trouble figuring out what exactly they were up to. In that case, the poor penmanshiped perpetrator was juuuuuuuust smart enough to get out of Dodge when it became clear that things were heading south. Dion Taylor, on the other hand, does not appear to be burdened by similar levels of intelligence.

When Taylor walked into a Youngstown, Ohio dollar store and handed over his incomprehensible demand letter, the clerk took a look at it, then asked Taylor if he could read it to him. Rather than just leaving, that’s exactly what he did.

According to a police report, a man walked into the Family Dollar store on Market Street about 7:30 Thursday and handed the clerk a note.
The clerk said he couldn’t read the handwriting and handed it back to the man and asked him to read it to him. The robber complied and read the note aloud.
Youngstown Police say the note read, “This is a robbery, please be quiet. Don’t let your pride get you killed.”

To his credit, Taylor did get away with some cash and a pack of smokes, but he was arrested the next day thanks in part to all the surveillance photos of him that were taken whilst he stood there performing his literary masterwork.