Arrest Your Elders

If you’re going to rob a hotel, maybe don’t use its own sheets as your disguise. And maybe don’t book a room there under your own name. And hiding in that room after the fact and expecting not to be discovered? You should maybe forget about that, too.

Joseph Elder, 59, of Wayne, New Jersey, got into the lobby of the Ramada Inn on Route 46 through a now-shuttered adjacent restaurant wearing the sheet around 11:30 p.m. on Dec. 29, the Wayne Police Department said.
After Elder entered the lobby, he allegedly jumped over the hotel desk counter, pried open a cash drawer and stole an unspecified amount of money before fleeing through the restaurant, police said.
“… [Elder] attempted to conceal his identity with a Casper the ghost style bed sheet with holes cut out,” the department said.

Officers searching the area after the robbery learned that Elder was actually staying in a room at the hotel, according to police.

He’s been charged with a count each of burglary and theft.

Get The Door. It’s A Robbery! Get The Door. It’s A Robbery!

Now here’s something you don’t see every day. An unintentional simultaneous robbery.

The clip, shot inside the takeaway restaurant in Rotterdam, Netherlands, shows employees winding down to close the shop after a long day when an armed man bursts through the door.

Demanding a lone worker return to the office and retrieve cash, he clearly brandishes a weapon before the pair disappear away from sight of the camera positioned at the front of the shop.

But while they are in the back, another pair of criminals suddenly charge through the door and leap over the counter wearing masks.

Dutch media outlet Metro Nieuws reports that the two men then forced the first intruder to the ground “giving him a slap” before making off with stacks of money from inside the safe.
They can then be seen escaping from the restaurant with bundles of cash – before the first assailant follows seconds later, dropping a few notes as he scarpers out of the front door.

Hope I Can cut This Lock Before They Lock Me Up

You know, I could really use a new bike. But man, they sure are pricey. Maybe I’d be better off stealing one. Like that one over there by the police station. It looks nice.

Bike Theft

Suspect arrested for attempting to steal a bike…From the PD!!!! SGT Okerman arrested the suspect after confronting him with a Taser. Video of the encounter below.

Posted by Gladstone Police Department on Monday, December 31, 2018

A man was arrested last week after allegedly trying to steal a bicycle from in front of the Gladstone Police Department in Oregon.
Cops posted surveillance footage of the apparent theft attempt. An individual wearing a dark colored hoodie and apparent face covering walked up to the station with what seemed to be bolt cutters. He began working on it, but not even a minute passed before a cop stepped outside and confronted him.
The officer ordered him against the wall, pulled out a taser, commanded him to get on the ground, and handcuffed the individual. A female cop later ran out to assist the arrest. The two were then joined by a male officer.
The time stamp is dated Thursday, just before 6:30 p.m.

Adam Valle, 26, has been charged with theft, criminal mischief, and felon in possession of a weapon.

Save Money, Deliver Yourself To The Police Station

These stories almost aren’t weird anymore, but since I’m not sure we’re quite there yet…

After police confronted him because it seemed an awful lot like he was about to leave a Walmart without paying for $125 worth of stuff that he had stashed in a backpack, 24-year-old Jeremy Roberts proved them right, taking off running instead of hanging around for a chat. A shot from a Taser didn’t slow him down, but thankfully police had some help on that front in the form of Roberts himself.


While fleeing, Roberts decided to duck into a nearby building in an attempt to lose his pursuers. The building he picked to hide in? CPD District 3’s station.
Upon Roberts arrival, he was greeted by “numerous” officers who quickly placed him in custody.
Roberts is charged with Theft and Obstructing Official Business.

A couple of things:

  1. Police are calling his escape route a “tactical error.” That’s your understatement of the week so far.
  2. Is there a definition of obstruction I’m unaware of?

    block (an opening, path, road, etc.); be or get in the way of.

    prevent or hinder (movement or someone or something in motion).

    deliberately make (something) difficult.

    Seems to me they should be charging him with assisting.

Thanks For The Ride. What Did You Say You Did For A Living? Uh-oh…

For all of the careful planning that can sometimes go into them, prison escapes themselves are necessarily a pretty rushed act. So although you almost can’t fault Allen Lewis for the way his turned out, he’s still worth pointing and laughing at because come on, man.

Allen Lewis, 31, had run away when being moved from Greenup County Detention Center in Kentucky, to face charges in a different county.
Lewis complained to the transport officer that his handcuffs hurt, so the officer pulled over to fix them.
When one cuff was released, a struggle ensued and Lewis fled on foot.
While the prison mounted a search operation, the escapee made it to a nearby highway and tried to flag down a lift.
Unfortunately for him, the person who stopped was a campus police officer at the local Morehead State University. The handcuffs dangling from one of Lewis’s wrists proved a rather obvious giveaway.

He’s now facing an escape charge along with the rest of his troubles.

The Dork With The Barrett Tattoo

I read about this story 6 months or so ago and meant to write about it then. Since it still makes me chuckle whenever I think about it, I’ll write about it now.

I heard about a guy who skipped parole and they were looking for him. When I saw Nathan Barrett’s description, my first thought was “Well, that won’t take long to find him.”

He is described as being black, 5’7” and 176 pounds, with black hair and brown eyes. He also has several distinctive tattoos, including a star and dollar sign near his left eye, a Nike symbol on his forehead, a butterfly on his neck. Tattoos on his forearms include the sun, a wing and the word Scorpion on the right and a wing, a moon and the word Barrett on his left.

Tattoos include? So, there were more? Why even try running if you are covered in various super unique tattoos, including your own freaking name? And why does anyone tattoo things on their face? You can wear long sleeves and cover your arms…but your face is much harder to keep covered all the time. Maybe I just don’t get it because I don’t have tattoos.

I was right, it didn’t take long. he was arrested 3 days later. I wonder if it was the tattoos that got him.

He Was Then Packed Off To Jail

When you hear the word ballsy, you probably think of something heroic or crazy, like running into a burning building to save someone’s life or jumping out of a perfectly good airplane for no practical reason. But when I hear the word ballsy, I think of things like this fellow in Guelph who brought a suitcase on a shoplifting expedition to a store he’d already been thrown out of at least once.

On Nov. 28, 2018 at approximately 10:34 p.m, Guelph Police were called to a business on Woodlawn Road in regard to a shoplifter.
It was learned that the male had brought his own suitcase to the business and had filled it with two drones, cold medicine, camping equipment, and some beverages. The male was confronted in the store by police as he was on conditions not to be in the business from previous charges.
As a result, a 26-year-old Guelph male was arrested for theft under $5,000, breaching his recognizance, and two counts of breaching his probation.
The male is scheduled to appear in court on Nov. 29, 2018.

The Chinese May One Day Own Us All, But They Don’t Yet Have Their Writing ON Our Money, American Counterfeiter Lady


Is this a better or worse counterfeiting job than that time a dude somehow managed to pass a $200 bill featuring pictures of the White House and George W. Bush as well as the words “We like ice cream” and “USA deserves a tax cut” written on it?

At least this time the clerk figured out something was amiss before the transaction was completed and notified the authorities, who confiscated the money and are now investigating.

Officers in Des Moines were called to a Safeway store Wednesday morning after store managers reported a woman trying to buy a $5,000 prepaid Visa card with $4,900 in counterfeit money.
Fortunately for the store managers, the counterfeiting was pretty easy to spot, what with bright pink Chinese characters on the left and all the bills having been given the same serial number.

“Although the counterfeit currency is of fair quality, there are markings on the bills making one realize the funds are not legit,” said Sgt. Dave Mohr with Des Moines Police.

Hopefully by fair quality he means the paper, because if spotting these bad boys is as hard as it gets, the counterfeiting unit at this police department has the easiest job ever.

By the way, did this lady use $100 worth of real money because she was at least smart enough to try disguising what she was up to or because she didn’t have enough of the fake stuff? Inquiring minds want to know.

Social Security, Maximum Security, What’s The Difference

I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’ve found something even dumber than having your own name tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. That something? Having your Social Security number tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. At least with your name, there’s a chance the police might be thrown off your trail for a minute or two by the albeit slim possibility that there might be two Bob Smiths in red shirts out knocking over variety stores on a Tuesday. But your Social? That’s you, dude.

It doesn’t take much sleuthing to identify this suspect after he commits a crime, according to police in Houston, Texas.
That’s because Robert Charles Wooten, 40, has what a December 2017 police report described as “distinctive tattoos” on has face.
And “distinctive” is a polite way to describe it. After all, what could be more distinct than a person’s one-of-a-kind Social Security number?
“They’re calling this guy ‘Social Security’ because he actually has his Social Security (number) tattooed across his forehead,” Houston police investigator Frank Heenan told KPRC.

Most recently, that self-identifying tattoo inked onto his face placed Wooten at the scene of a string of at least three armed robberies in Houston late last year, according to Harris County court filings.

Wooten is no stranger to law enforcement, if Harris County court records are any indication.

In July 2017, Wooten was caught exposing his genitals to someone against their will and was charged with indecent exposure. Wooten pleaded guilty.
Beyond that incident, Wooten has been charged with everything from theft to trespassing to violating protective orders to drug crimes, according to Harris County Court records.
“He’s notorious,” Heenan told KPRC, particularly in a handful of Houston neighborhoods.

Oh, and a big thank you to the police for explaining why they’re calling him Social Security down at the station. That’s some pretty high concept nicknaming that I don’t think most of us would have understood otherwise.

So You’re Telling Me Her License Is Suspended? But She’s Such A Careful Driver!

I’ve seen so many dumb criminal stories over the years that it generally takes something going pretty spectacularly wrong to get my attention anymore, but now and then a simple event like the one detailed in this Ontario Provincial Police news release just strikes me the right way at the right time and I can’t help but laugh and laugh and laugh.

By the way, I don’t know who wrote this thing, but I know who edited it. Nobody. All below typos are theirs, not mine.

TOWNSHIP OF GUELPH/ERAMOSA – On Monday, Sept. 17, 2018 a Wellington County Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) officer was monitoring traffic on Highway 7, west of Guelph.
At approximately 5:30 p.m. the officer observed a female operating a blue pickup with authorized plates and attempted to pull the vehicle over. The driver initially pulled onto the shoulder of the road as if to stop but then rapidly accelerating away from the officer and fleeing through dense traffic.

Shortly after, police were notified of a vehicle that had entered the ditch that matched the description of fleeing vehicle. The driver was seen walking away from the stopped vehicle.
Police attended and located the woman and arrested her. Further investigation revealed that her licence was suspended and the licence plate was reported as stolen.
34-year-old Shannon C. Payette of Kitchener has been charged with Flight from Police, Dangerous Operation of a Motor Vehicle, Possession of Property obtained by Crime, Drive while Suspended and two-counts of Unauthorized use of a Plate. She is scheduled to appear in Guelph Criminal Court on Oct. 23, 2018.

I can’t end this without giving a few bonus points to Guelph Today for making me not skip right over the rather boring headline “Kitchener woman drives away from police” by adding “Police catch up with her in a near-by ditch”. That may be my favourite part, the more I think about it.