There’s A Body Scanner? What A Bummer

This, essentially, is your standard, garden variety get yourself arrested so that you can smuggle things to a buddy on the inside via your inside story, and I wouldn’t even be posting it were it not for some of the items in question. Marijuana? Fine. Tobacco? Ok. A couple of knives? Woe woe woe hang on a second!

But Piper hadn’t anticipated the body scanner, standard procedure for new inmates. He refused to be scanned.
Suspecting Piper had contraband in his body, staff took him to a segregation cell with no running water so nothing could be flushed.
At the same time, Piper demanded to be put in a cell with his sister’s boyfriend. Guards declined. “It’s not a hotel room,” Nolan said.

Later, a guard saw Piper holding something and confronted him. He dropped a three-inch ceramic knife.
That’s when he confessed that he intentionally got arrested so he could bring contraband to his sister’s boyfriend. He said his sister told him her boyfriend would electronically transfer $2,000. He now agreed to be scanned.
“The body scan revealed Mr. Piper still had contraband in his body,” Nolan said. “He was placed in a cell and directed to produce the contents.”
He produced the contraband, including packets of pot that weighed a total of 71 grams.

I realize that it’s sort of a no-win situation an that the kind of person who agrees to potentially stab additional holes in his ass for 2 grand probably isn’t the clearest thinker, but when presented with the choice of the body scanner or the certain doom of your operation because you’re being weird about the body scanner, wouldn’t it make more sense to take your chances with the body scanner? No automated security procedure is absolutely perfect, so it’s possible that it might fail to detect the payload. If it does, you’re golden. Or maybe you’re brown. Whichever colour you prefer, you’ve got it made once you figure out how to get your cargo from you to your customer. And even if the scanner does nab you, at least you gave it your best try and can be proud that you were cool under pressure. immense, gut busting pressure.

And A Huge Interception By The Local Constabulary

The Grey Cup is fantastic. It’s a big, fun, important Canadian event that many of us will stop what we’re doing to watch. But that’s not always the best idea. Sometimes you really should finish off whatever you’re up to before you settle in to enjoy the game. Like let’s say you’re in the midst of robbing the city and driving around in one of its trucks. That is not at all a good time to take a beer and football break.

“What do you know, Steve? You’ve never stolen anything. Who are you to tell us how to structure our day?”

Fine. You’ve got me there. But I have a feeling there might be a couple of guys who will encourage you to trust me on this one.

Police say officers were called about a break and enter at the Glanbrook Township Roads department at 2111 Binbrook Rd. around 7:30 p.m. The two men smashed out a window and stole tools from the stockroom, police said in a news release, and then took off in a stolen City of Hamilton truck.
Police then tracked down the vehicle at the Checkered Flag Bar and Grill in Mount Hope. Officers went inside and found the two men — one of whom had the keys to the truck inside his pocket, police say.
“They just went inside and watched the game,” said Const. Lorraine Edwards.

The pair has been charged with breaking and entering, possession of burglary tools and possession of stolen property worth over $5,000. It is not known whether the next set of bars they visited was showing the game.

Film Him Right In The Pokey

Listen, guys. You know how some of you enjoy yelling “fuck her right in the pussy” at female news reporters in the hopes that you’ll get on TV and impress all your buddies and maybe even become internet famous for 30 or 40 seconds or whatever the fuck? It’s not funny. Ever. It is, as has been pointed out many times, sexual harassment. Also, it is just plain dumb. If you do it, you are dumb. You may not be quite as dumb as the gentleman who did it outside of a police station during an interview with a police officer, but you are still dumb. Dumb enough that I’ll bet right now you are killing whatever brain cells are somehow managing to keep you alive as you slap your forehead in frustration because you didn’t think of being that dumb first.

Hamilton police have arrested a man for causing a disturbance after a CHCH news reporter was sexually harassed on the job for the third time this week.
Reporter Britt Dixon was interviewing an officer outside the Hamilton police central station Friday when a truck drove by with its windows down and a person yelled, “f– k her right in the p—y.”
“I was like what? Again? In front of a police officer?” Dixon said.
The truck parked outside the station and the officer went over to it, Dixon said. When the man who yelled at her walked by to go into the station, she said he asked him why he did it, to which he replied “because everyone in the States does it.”

The man who yelled at Dixon outside the station is in custody, Const. Jerome Stewart said Friday evening.
“The Hamilton Police Service will continue to investigate this incident,” he said.

For some reason, Dixon decided not to press charges, but since the incident was witnessed by police, they were pressed anyway. The man’s name was not released, but he is believed to be 24-year-old Dummy Dumbledunce of Maryland, which is a slightly less dumb place since he left.

At Least His Backpack Was Bright

When you bring a change of clothes with you to an armed robbery, that’s called thinking ahead. when you bring a Pokemon backpack with you to an armed robbery, that’s called dumb. And weird. Definitely weird. Like seriously, you’re a grown-up, man. What the shit?

Funzail Woods was arrested after using an ax as a weapon at the Target store on Piedmont Road in Buckhead, according to police. Investigators said the man walked over to the electronics section

“Where he took a cell phone out of a package and proceeded to put it in his pocket. When he was approached by the manager, he actually presented an ax. The manager, of course, backed off,” said Officer Lisa Bender, Atlanta Police Department.

Woods then ran out the store. The 911 alert went out to Zone 2 officers. By then, Woods had changed his shirt.

“But he didn’t change his backpack. So, I think that’s what got him,” said Officer Bender. “The man took off running when he saw police. And he did have a Pokémon backpack, so those are normally a bright color and typically easy to spot.”

It’s Going To Be A Nice Mommy Daughter Day At The Pot Shop. Well, Sort Of

I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that 33-year-old Stephanie Stinson of Winter Haven, Florida isn’t a great example for the youngsters to follow. I dare say they’d do well not to stand in front of it, either.

The trouble (at least the trouble we know about anyhow) began when Stinson told her 15-year-old daughter that she wished to buy some marijuana and wondered if perhaps one of her little friends might be able to make that happen. The daughter sent a few texts and the next thing you know, a deal was made. Well, sort of.

Stinson paid $20 for a bag of marijuana and expected change in return. When she didn’t get her change, Stinson attempted to block the vehicle from leaving. Lopez, who was getting inside of the vehicle on the passenger side, was struck when Stinson rammed her blue Dodge Avenger into the vehicle. The impact launched Lopez over the hood of the vehicle where he landed in the roadway. He suffered significant injuries including facial fractures and other broken bones.

Feeling frightened of what she had just done and ashamed that she, the lone responsible adult here had let the situation spiral so far out of control, Stinson immediately offered help and comfort to the would-be salesman. Well, sort of.

Stinson stopped briefly to pull off a piece of her vehicle that was dragging and both she and her daughter saw Lopez injured in the roadway. As they left, Stinson’s daughter called 9-1-1, but they did not stay at the scene. A piece of Stinson’s car was lodged in the silver Chevrolet she had struck and police were able to determine the ownership by the vin number marked on the vehicle part.

Sensing that things had now gone way too far, they drove that damaged car straight to the police station without a second thought and threw themselves upon the mercy of the law. Well, sort of.

Initially, police were unable to locate Stinson’s vehicle; however her estranged husband called police at 7:06 a.m. to report that he found his vehicle with damage and Stephanie had sent him text messages stating she had struck a vehicle and a person earlier.
On 10-15-17 at 8:09 a.m. Stinson and her daughter reported to the Winter Haven Police Department to give statements to the incident.

No word on what if anything will happen to the girl, but Stinson was charged with Leaving the Scene of a Crash Involving Injury and contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor. Since everyone makes mistakes, I hope the police go easy on her. Well, sort of.

Keister Surprise

I know in the grand scheme of things Kinder Surprise eggs are pretty small, but you know what’s even smaller? Your exit hatch. So the fact that now current Ottawa-Carleton Detention Centre resident Damian O’Reilly seems to have set an unofficial record by managing to fit eight of them into his is, in its own way, almost as impressive as it is stupid.

O’Reilly figured the quickest way to get arrested would be to throw a rock at a police cruiser in front of the courthouse and, sure enough, he got the job done in minutes flat. It helped that he was already on probation, so when he was arrested, he was held for bail and shipped off to the old Innes Road jail. 
And that’s where his plot unravelled.
It’s not known if the guard noticed O’Reilly was in some discomfort but whatever the reason, the guard had suspicions that O’Reilly might be smuggling drugs. The young inmate was escorted to dry cell No. 9. A dry cell has no plumbing and guards will either attempt to seize the contraband or wait for it to be expelled.
In this case, it was O’Reilly himself who, once alone in the dry cell, removed eight Kinder Surprise eggs from his rectum. A guard had to then collect the eggs and photograph them before securing them inside the Ottawa police drug safe at the jail.

In all, the eight eggs contained 59 grams of marijuana, a gram of MDMA, tobacco, rolling papers and matches.

Earlier reports that O’Reilly *was* the drug safe are erroneous.

by the way, if Drug Safe isn’t his nickname by the time I hit publish on this, there’s something wrong with this world.

Anyway, O’Reilly pleaded guilty to drug trafficking and was sentenced to sit in jail for a year and some change, although standing may be more comfortable for a while.

As for the possible record mentioned above, he doubled it. The previous mark was set by an unidentified man in 2010 who only managed four, the friggin amateur.

More Like Sputtering To A Sad Halt Like A Couple Of Losers ON Empty


Before you run from the police, you should really think long and hard about the potential ramifications of that decision. What if you don’t get away? Is whatever this is worth going to jail over? What if you cause an accident? Is possibly killing yourself or someone else a risk you’re truly willing to take? When the police begin caving in your skull for making their lives difficult with your idiocy, can you take it like a man? You should consider all of these things, but let’s be honest. You’re not going to. You have a split second choice to make and there’s just not time for that. Plus you’re probably drunk or on drugs. But snap decision or not, there’s one thing you should always take the time to do before you say screw it and take off. Have a quick gander at the gas gauge.

The Des Moines Police Department says the chase began at SE 5th and Army Post around 1:30 a.m. when an officer attempted to pull over a Ford F-150 truck for an equipment violation.
The chase went through Norwalk on Highway 28 south and continued on to Highway 92 east through Indianola. Police say it finally ended when the suspect vehicle ran out of gas near Pleasantville.

Caleb Wood and Mark York, who police say were involved in another, presumably more successful chase not long before this one, were arrested on outstanding warrants. Wood was also hit with new charges of failure to have a valid driver’s license, eluding, possession of narcotics and a few traffic violations for good measure. York faces a charge of possession of drug paraphernalia. Based on that, I guess we know which one was driving. Which one is responsible for not filling up, however, is still a mystery.

I Was Just Trying A Different Door Like You Said

I likely would have posted this regardless because it’s the sort of thing we tend to enjoy, but it’s nearer and dearer to my heart than usual because I used to live in Woodstock and still have some family there. Guess what, guys. You’re officially smarter than at least one neighbour. Congratulations.

The 41-year-old man, who is currently on probation and known to police, tried to enter the Woodstock police station on July 5 at around 1:30 a.m. by buzzing at the back door used by staff members.
When police told him he had to enter through the front door he decided instead to wander through the staff parking lot where he entered and searched staff vehicles.
Once he finished stealing everything in one car he moved on to another staff vehicle.

In a development that should come as a surprise to maybe this one guy here, police stations are loaded with security cameras. They are also, and you might want to sit down for this one, loaded with police officers. Police officers who will catch you pretty handily 99 times out of 100 in spite of your best efforts to walk away from them whilst you profess your innocence.

This was not the 100th time, and police were able to recover several stolen items during the ensuing search and arrest.

No word on which door they take you through when your destination is jail.

The Sun And Jocsan Feliciano Rosado: Two Things That Weren’t Very Bright On Monday

What can’t this week’s eclipse do? It excited, it educated, it brought people together, it helped the police catch a suspected car thief…wait, what?

Overshadowed:Meet Jocsan Feliciano Rosado. This 22-year-old stole a vehicle and was being followed by the OCSO's…

Posted by Orange County Sheriff's Office, Florida on Monday, August 21, 2017

Rosado has been charged with third-degree grand theft. The status of his custody and/or bail was not reported, so we don’t know if he’s able to look up at the sun right now.

Are You Happy To See Me Or Did You Leave Weed In Your Gitch Again

Let’s mark this one down as a good try. And when I say good, of course what I actually mean is what a terrible, terrible try.

A Port St. Lucie police officer about 11:20 p.m. spotted a “suspicious vehicle/parking violation” involving a Chevrolet Silverado in the 600 block of Southeast Majestic Terrace.
An officer smelled burned marijuana wafting from the vehicle.
Investigators say the passenger, 32-year-old Tyce Fields, had a violation of probation warrant and was taken into custody.
An officer reported extracting a bag of marijuana from Fields’s “groin area.”
“Tyce stated that he didn`t know the cannabis was on him because he recently changed underpants,” a report states.