Social Security, Maximum Security, What’s The Difference

I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’ve found something even dumber than having your own name tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. That something? Having your Social Security number tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. At least with your name, there’s a chance the police might be thrown off your trail for a minute or two by the albeit slim possibility that there might be two Bob Smiths in red shirts out knocking over variety stores on a Tuesday. But your Social? That’s you, dude.

It doesn’t take much sleuthing to identify this suspect after he commits a crime, according to police in Houston, Texas.
That’s because Robert Charles Wooten, 40, has what a December 2017 police report described as “distinctive tattoos” on has face.
And “distinctive” is a polite way to describe it. After all, what could be more distinct than a person’s one-of-a-kind Social Security number?
“They’re calling this guy ‘Social Security’ because he actually has his Social Security (number) tattooed across his forehead,” Houston police investigator Frank Heenan told KPRC.

Most recently, that self-identifying tattoo inked onto his face placed Wooten at the scene of a string of at least three armed robberies in Houston late last year, according to Harris County court filings.

Wooten is no stranger to law enforcement, if Harris County court records are any indication.

In July 2017, Wooten was caught exposing his genitals to someone against their will and was charged with indecent exposure. Wooten pleaded guilty.
Beyond that incident, Wooten has been charged with everything from theft to trespassing to violating protective orders to drug crimes, according to Harris County Court records.
“He’s notorious,” Heenan told KPRC, particularly in a handful of Houston neighborhoods.

Oh, and a big thank you to the police for explaining why they’re calling him Social Security down at the station. That’s some pretty high concept nicknaming that I don’t think most of us would have understood otherwise.

So You’re Telling Me Her License Is Suspended? But She’s Such A Careful Driver!

I’ve seen so many dumb criminal stories over the years that it generally takes something going pretty spectacularly wrong to get my attention anymore, but now and then a simple event like the one detailed in this Ontario Provincial Police news release just strikes me the right way at the right time and I can’t help but laugh and laugh and laugh.

By the way, I don’t know who wrote this thing, but I know who edited it. Nobody. All below typos are theirs, not mine.

TOWNSHIP OF GUELPH/ERAMOSA – On Monday, Sept. 17, 2018 a Wellington County Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) officer was monitoring traffic on Highway 7, west of Guelph.
At approximately 5:30 p.m. the officer observed a female operating a blue pickup with authorized plates and attempted to pull the vehicle over. The driver initially pulled onto the shoulder of the road as if to stop but then rapidly accelerating away from the officer and fleeing through dense traffic.

Shortly after, police were notified of a vehicle that had entered the ditch that matched the description of fleeing vehicle. The driver was seen walking away from the stopped vehicle.
Police attended and located the woman and arrested her. Further investigation revealed that her licence was suspended and the licence plate was reported as stolen.
34-year-old Shannon C. Payette of Kitchener has been charged with Flight from Police, Dangerous Operation of a Motor Vehicle, Possession of Property obtained by Crime, Drive while Suspended and two-counts of Unauthorized use of a Plate. She is scheduled to appear in Guelph Criminal Court on Oct. 23, 2018.

I can’t end this without giving a few bonus points to Guelph Today for making me not skip right over the rather boring headline “Kitchener woman drives away from police” by adding “Police catch up with her in a near-by ditch”. That may be my favourite part, the more I think about it.

Put The Money In The Bag. Sure, But Put Your License Through The Machine

Photo of David Menser
David Menser, one of the smarter dumber people you’ll see today.

This is normally where I’d call David Menser an imbecile, but honestly, he might just be an average guy. Why? Because on the one hand he was smart enough to remove the dye pack from the stack of money he got from the bank teller he was robbing, but on the other, that ended up being the same teller who got him to hand over his driver’s license when he demanded even more cash a few seconds later. Those two events cancel each other out and prevent him from leaning too far in either direction, I think. Pretty sure that’s math or physics or something.

During a robbery on June 4 at the Huntington Bank on 1880 Hilliard Rome Road, the Sheriff’s Office says Menser was tricked into giving the teller his drivers’ license.
According to court documents, Menser approached the counter and presented a demand note for money that said, “I have a gun.” The teller gave Menser money and a dye pack. Menser took the money and put the dye pack back on the counter. 
Documents say Menser then told the teller he wanted more money. The teller told him a driver’s license was required to use the machine to get our more cash. Menser reportedly then gave the teller his license to swipe through the machine and then the bank with the additional cash.

Those typos aren’t mine, by the way. They belong to real news people who should be ashamed of themselves.

Anywho, Menser was arrested, and is now a suspect in three other area bank robberies. That, I argue, proves my earlier theory about him possibly not being a total maroon. He does seem like the go big or go home type, though.

Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It…woe!

I don’t know how many admitted shoplifters we have reading this, but a question for you in case you exist. How common is it for someone to spend seven hours in the same store filling up a cart with things he plans to take? I always picture shoplifting being something that happens fairly quickly. You either grab something and take off or you take a few minutes to remove security tags and obscure whatever it is and then leave as casually as possible. I understand the logic of trying to blend in, but seven hours just seems to me like you’re asking for trouble.

And a general question for everyone. How expensive is the stuff at Hobby Lobby? Buddy here managed to fit $4,000 worth of it into one cart. That seems just a little insane.

Police say that Dustin Johnson, 22, spent seven hours filling up a shopping cart with thousands of dollars worth of products.
He wheeled the cart of stolen goods out of the store but it got stuck in the snow and tipped over.
Johnson tripped, abandoned the cart and fled the store on foot, police said

And not only did he leave behind an entire day’s work, he also left without his wallet, which police used to track him down at home. How much need of redecorating the home was in was not noted.

Turns Out The Old Saying About Bringing A Knife To A Gunfight Is Probably True

I’m not a big fan of guns in general. Unless you’re planning to shoot something for the purposes of eating it or protecting something that’s going to be eaten later, I don’t feel like there are many good reasons for needing one. But that’s not to say that they absolutely never have a purpose. Now and then a gun in the right place at the right time can be quite helpful. Just the other day, for instance, two well placed ones managed to possibly save some lives, help get a deserving fellow arrested and entertain us all at once.

Christopher Raymond Hill, 36, was arrested after police say he grabbed an entire cash register from the store and fled while dressed in bright orange.
Hill first tried to steal a Ford SUV, abandoned that effort when the vehicle wouldn’t start, and then asked a random person near a Supercuts for a ride, according to the report. When the driver refused, Hill allegedly cut him on the hands and leg. The driver then pointed his pistol at Hill and scared him off, the report stated.
In the second carjacking attempt, Hill targeted a woman in line at a Starbucks drive-through, but she also scared him off with a pistol she had in her trunk, police said.

At that point, Hill decided to stop taking his chances with the public or with even trying to make a getaway at all. He hid in the Supercuts bathroom and was soon arrested by some other guys with guns.

Safety First

Whether Floridians behave like meth users or meth users behave like Floridians will probably always remain a mystery, but of one thing we can definitely be certain: the ones that make the news most often aren’t going to be the best or the brightest. They may, if 49-year-old Douglas Kelly has his way about it, be the most safety conscious, though.

Kelly, from Hawthorne, called the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday to say that he had bought what he thought was methamphetamine; but, after smoking it and having a “violent reaction,” he suspected that he had been given the wrong substance — and he wanted to press charges against the person who sold it to him, deputies said in a Facebook post.
Detectives told him that they could certainly test the drug for him to ensure it was meth. And, the authorities said, he took them up on it.

“Kelly drove to the sheriff’s office and handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil. The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase.”

He was, of course, arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine.

There is no word on why he may have had the reaction he did, but because it’s meth, you idiot is likely a safe bet.

Put The Money In The Bag. I’ll Be Outside Double Checking, So Don’t Try Anything

Bank robbery pretty clearly is not for Michael Gale Nash. Not only did he whip out the old write your hold-up note on a paper with your name and birthday written on the other side of it gimmick, but then he didn’t even bother running away once he got his money from a disproportionately frightened teller.

Anchorage police rapidly solved a bank robbery Tuesday after the suspect handed the teller a hold-up note with his name and birthdate on the back, according to a charging document filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Anchorage.
But Anchorage police didn’t even need that handy tip to arrest Michael Gale Nash after he left First National Bank Alaska on 36th Avenue in Midtown with $400 in a bag, the FBI says.
“It’s my understanding he was sitting outside the bank counting his money when police arrived,” said Staci Feger-Pellessier, a spokeswoman with the FBI in Alaska.

Nash entered the bank wearing a large backpack, sweater and blue jeans shortly after 4 p.m. Tuesday, documents say.

He handed the teller a note: “This is a hold up. Please put the money they want in the bag. God help us!!!”
The hold-up note was written on the back of a form from an organization that provides affordable housing in the Lower 48. Nash’s personal information was on the form.
Feger-Pellessier said she understands no weapon was involved.
The teller, new to the job, was “momentarily dazed,” and did not immediately follow steps to alert police and co-workers. But a manager noticed the look on her face after the teller interacted with Nash, learned the details and reported the crime.
The teller “was visibly shaken, displaying shortness of breath and on the verge of crying,” according to the affidavit by an FBI investigator.

Police say Nash confessed to the crime and was arrested, which temporarily solves his affordable housing problem. I doubt that was his plan all along, but at least he has something to show for his efforts.

The Dashcam Giveth And The Dashcam Taketh Away

Note to Xavier Moran: If you own one of those dashcams that records everything, there’s more than a slim chance that the word everything means exactly what you’d think it would. This is important, because not only will it have the good evidence on it that will prove you weren’t at fault in that car accident, but it’s also likely to keep that pesky attempted robbery stuff around, too.

The Palm Beach Post reports that after 25-year-old Xavier Moran was involved in a crash on April 5, he told a sheriff’s deputy he had been cut off by another driver and could prove it with his dashboard camera. He then signed a consent waiver to search the camera.
When the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputy reviewed the footage, he saw Moran burglarizing a beauty store. Authorities say the video showed Moran taking a baseball bat from the trunk and someone using the bat to break the glass door to the store.

He’s been charged with burglary, of course.

Who Was That Masked Man? It Was Kerry

Update: Somewhere between me hitting publish on this and going to the site to make double sure that I hadn’t messed anything up, the second Facebook post went from looking for him to noting that he was captured. Never underestimate the power of the Vomit Comet.

Original post:
Police in Georgia are looking for Kerry Hammond, a 22-year-old man they say broke into a GameStop.

But wait, didn’t you say in your headline that he was wearing a mask?

I sure did, but I also put his name in there because the mask in question was pretty damn awful.

Water Bottle Plastic Wrap Disguise

DID YOU EVER give any thought to what your disguise was going to be when you decided the life of crime was your bag of water? Well this guy did! And YES he used a plastic bag used to package bottle water. This puts new meaning to the term WaterHead! In all seriousness, this craftily disguised gent, decided to burglarize GameStop here in St. Marys last night. DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?You can help us catch him, once you stop laughing. Please give our detectives a call at our office at 912-882-4488, the non-emergency number to 911 at 912-729-1442, Crime Stopper Tip Line and remain anonymous 912-576-0565. We'll be sippin' water while we wait!Please LIKE and SHARE – More Photos and video in the comments

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Friday, April 13, 2018

Yes, genius here “disguised” himself in one of those clear plastic things that bottled water comes in. It worked about as well as you’d think.

*****He has been captured and subsequently bonded out of jail. *****Calling ALL CARS……Calling ALL CARS Be On The…

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Tuesday, April 17, 2018

If you know where he might be or if you somehow recognize him out and about without his mask on, give them a call.

If This Isn’t Where The Term Criminal Court Came From, It Maybe Should Have Been

I’d have to go back and check to be absolutely sure, but I feel pretty comfortable saying that this, by far, is the oldest Master Criminals story we’ve ever featured here. It dates all the way back to 1725 and involves two robbers taking each other to court for fraud after their partnership went south.

How the case even ended up in court at all is unclear, although one account claims that it was, in fact, Williams who made the first move: After a quarrel over the value of a gold watch they had acquired in a recent robbery, Williams sued Everet for £200. When Everet failed to show up to court (perhaps understandably, given the true nature of their business, although Everet would claim he was in prison), the action against him went undefended, and Williams won not only the case but Everet’s share of the spoils as well. In response, Everet—presumably aggrieved that Williams had won the case—then raised his own case against Williams. He took the unusual step of hiring a pair of solicitors, William Wreathock and William White, to represent him. Wreathock and White, in turn, hired legal counsel, a barrister by the name of Jonathan Collins, who drew up an official complaint and took the highwaymen’s case to the Court of Exchequer.

The bill Collins compiled—which requested that Williams account for the value of the goods in question, and repay any money owed to the plaintiff—is a masterclass in legalese. At no point are the criminal aspects of Everet and Williams’s business alluded to, and instead Collins merely wrote that:
“… pursuant to the said agreement, [Everet] and the said Joseph Williams went on and proceeded jointly in the said dealing with great success on Hounslow Heath, where they dealt with a gentleman for a gold watch … [Williams informed Everet that] Finchley was a good and convenient place to deal in, and so they dealt there with several gentlemen or divers watches, rings, swords, canes, hats, cloaks, horses, bridles and other things to the value of £200 and upwards.”

Yes, lawyers were already shifty in the early 18th century. Thankfully that tendency had not yet spread to judges, and the one presiding over this case was not having any of it. He not only dismissed it, but he also ordered that lawyers Wreathock and White be arrested and charged with contempt, and that barrister Collins pay every cent of the costs associated with the case from his own pocket.

As for Everet and Williams, they both wound up arrested and hanged a few years later, an outcome aided in no small part by police knowing what they did and where they did it thanks to the lawsuit.

And because some folks never learn or because leopards don’t change their spots or because whatever expression you want to use, William Wreathock wasn’t done getting himself into trouble. Five years after this case finished up, he himself was convicted of robbery and run out of town, or “sentenced to transportation” as I was surprised to learn that they called it back then.