He Was Then Packed Off To Jail

When you hear the word ballsy, you probably think of something heroic or crazy, like running into a burning building to save someone’s life or jumping out of a perfectly good airplane for no practical reason. But when I hear the word ballsy, I think of things like this fellow in Guelph who brought a suitcase on a shoplifting expedition to a store he’d already been thrown out of at least once.

On Nov. 28, 2018 at approximately 10:34 p.m, Guelph Police were called to a business on Woodlawn Road in regard to a shoplifter.
It was learned that the male had brought his own suitcase to the business and had filled it with two drones, cold medicine, camping equipment, and some beverages. The male was confronted in the store by police as he was on conditions not to be in the business from previous charges.
As a result, a 26-year-old Guelph male was arrested for theft under $5,000, breaching his recognizance, and two counts of breaching his probation.
The male is scheduled to appear in court on Nov. 29, 2018.

The Chinese May One Day Own Us All, But They Don’t Yet Have Their Writing ON Our Money, American Counterfeiter Lady


Is this a better or worse counterfeiting job than that time a dude somehow managed to pass a $200 bill featuring pictures of the White House and George W. Bush as well as the words “We like ice cream” and “USA deserves a tax cut” written on it?

At least this time the clerk figured out something was amiss before the transaction was completed and notified the authorities, who confiscated the money and are now investigating.

Officers in Des Moines were called to a Safeway store Wednesday morning after store managers reported a woman trying to buy a $5,000 prepaid Visa card with $4,900 in counterfeit money.
Fortunately for the store managers, the counterfeiting was pretty easy to spot, what with bright pink Chinese characters on the left and all the bills having been given the same serial number.

“Although the counterfeit currency is of fair quality, there are markings on the bills making one realize the funds are not legit,” said Sgt. Dave Mohr with Des Moines Police.

Hopefully by fair quality he means the paper, because if spotting these bad boys is as hard as it gets, the counterfeiting unit at this police department has the easiest job ever.

By the way, did this lady use $100 worth of real money because she was at least smart enough to try disguising what she was up to or because she didn’t have enough of the fake stuff? Inquiring minds want to know.

Social Security, Maximum Security, What’s The Difference

I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’ve found something even dumber than having your own name tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. That something? Having your Social Security number tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. At least with your name, there’s a chance the police might be thrown off your trail for a minute or two by the albeit slim possibility that there might be two Bob Smiths in red shirts out knocking over variety stores on a Tuesday. But your Social? That’s you, dude.

It doesn’t take much sleuthing to identify this suspect after he commits a crime, according to police in Houston, Texas.
That’s because Robert Charles Wooten, 40, has what a December 2017 police report described as “distinctive tattoos” on has face.
And “distinctive” is a polite way to describe it. After all, what could be more distinct than a person’s one-of-a-kind Social Security number?
“They’re calling this guy ‘Social Security’ because he actually has his Social Security (number) tattooed across his forehead,” Houston police investigator Frank Heenan told KPRC.

Most recently, that self-identifying tattoo inked onto his face placed Wooten at the scene of a string of at least three armed robberies in Houston late last year, according to Harris County court filings.

Wooten is no stranger to law enforcement, if Harris County court records are any indication.

In July 2017, Wooten was caught exposing his genitals to someone against their will and was charged with indecent exposure. Wooten pleaded guilty.
Beyond that incident, Wooten has been charged with everything from theft to trespassing to violating protective orders to drug crimes, according to Harris County Court records.
“He’s notorious,” Heenan told KPRC, particularly in a handful of Houston neighborhoods.

Oh, and a big thank you to the police for explaining why they’re calling him Social Security down at the station. That’s some pretty high concept nicknaming that I don’t think most of us would have understood otherwise.

So You’re Telling Me Her License Is Suspended? But She’s Such A Careful Driver!

I’ve seen so many dumb criminal stories over the years that it generally takes something going pretty spectacularly wrong to get my attention anymore, but now and then a simple event like the one detailed in this Ontario Provincial Police news release just strikes me the right way at the right time and I can’t help but laugh and laugh and laugh.

By the way, I don’t know who wrote this thing, but I know who edited it. Nobody. All below typos are theirs, not mine.

TOWNSHIP OF GUELPH/ERAMOSA – On Monday, Sept. 17, 2018 a Wellington County Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) officer was monitoring traffic on Highway 7, west of Guelph.
At approximately 5:30 p.m. the officer observed a female operating a blue pickup with authorized plates and attempted to pull the vehicle over. The driver initially pulled onto the shoulder of the road as if to stop but then rapidly accelerating away from the officer and fleeing through dense traffic.

Shortly after, police were notified of a vehicle that had entered the ditch that matched the description of fleeing vehicle. The driver was seen walking away from the stopped vehicle.
Police attended and located the woman and arrested her. Further investigation revealed that her licence was suspended and the licence plate was reported as stolen.
34-year-old Shannon C. Payette of Kitchener has been charged with Flight from Police, Dangerous Operation of a Motor Vehicle, Possession of Property obtained by Crime, Drive while Suspended and two-counts of Unauthorized use of a Plate. She is scheduled to appear in Guelph Criminal Court on Oct. 23, 2018.

I can’t end this without giving a few bonus points to Guelph Today for making me not skip right over the rather boring headline “Kitchener woman drives away from police” by adding “Police catch up with her in a near-by ditch”. That may be my favourite part, the more I think about it.

Put The Money In The Bag. Sure, But Put Your License Through The Machine

Photo of David Menser
David Menser, one of the smarter dumber people you’ll see today.

This is normally where I’d call David Menser an imbecile, but honestly, he might just be an average guy. Why? Because on the one hand he was smart enough to remove the dye pack from the stack of money he got from the bank teller he was robbing, but on the other, that ended up being the same teller who got him to hand over his driver’s license when he demanded even more cash a few seconds later. Those two events cancel each other out and prevent him from leaning too far in either direction, I think. Pretty sure that’s math or physics or something.

During a robbery on June 4 at the Huntington Bank on 1880 Hilliard Rome Road, the Sheriff’s Office says Menser was tricked into giving the teller his drivers’ license.
According to court documents, Menser approached the counter and presented a demand note for money that said, “I have a gun.” The teller gave Menser money and a dye pack. Menser took the money and put the dye pack back on the counter. 
Documents say Menser then told the teller he wanted more money. The teller told him a driver’s license was required to use the machine to get our more cash. Menser reportedly then gave the teller his license to swipe through the machine and then the bank with the additional cash.

Those typos aren’t mine, by the way. They belong to real news people who should be ashamed of themselves.

Anywho, Menser was arrested, and is now a suspect in three other area bank robberies. That, I argue, proves my earlier theory about him possibly not being a total maroon. He does seem like the go big or go home type, though.

Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It…woe!

I don’t know how many admitted shoplifters we have reading this, but a question for you in case you exist. How common is it for someone to spend seven hours in the same store filling up a cart with things he plans to take? I always picture shoplifting being something that happens fairly quickly. You either grab something and take off or you take a few minutes to remove security tags and obscure whatever it is and then leave as casually as possible. I understand the logic of trying to blend in, but seven hours just seems to me like you’re asking for trouble.

And a general question for everyone. How expensive is the stuff at Hobby Lobby? Buddy here managed to fit $4,000 worth of it into one cart. That seems just a little insane.

Police say that Dustin Johnson, 22, spent seven hours filling up a shopping cart with thousands of dollars worth of products.
He wheeled the cart of stolen goods out of the store but it got stuck in the snow and tipped over.
Johnson tripped, abandoned the cart and fled the store on foot, police said

And not only did he leave behind an entire day’s work, he also left without his wallet, which police used to track him down at home. How much need of redecorating the home was in was not noted.

Turns Out The Old Saying About Bringing A Knife To A Gunfight Is Probably True

I’m not a big fan of guns in general. Unless you’re planning to shoot something for the purposes of eating it or protecting something that’s going to be eaten later, I don’t feel like there are many good reasons for needing one. But that’s not to say that they absolutely never have a purpose. Now and then a gun in the right place at the right time can be quite helpful. Just the other day, for instance, two well placed ones managed to possibly save some lives, help get a deserving fellow arrested and entertain us all at once.

Christopher Raymond Hill, 36, was arrested after police say he grabbed an entire cash register from the store and fled while dressed in bright orange.
Hill first tried to steal a Ford SUV, abandoned that effort when the vehicle wouldn’t start, and then asked a random person near a Supercuts for a ride, according to the report. When the driver refused, Hill allegedly cut him on the hands and leg. The driver then pointed his pistol at Hill and scared him off, the report stated.
In the second carjacking attempt, Hill targeted a woman in line at a Starbucks drive-through, but she also scared him off with a pistol she had in her trunk, police said.

At that point, Hill decided to stop taking his chances with the public or with even trying to make a getaway at all. He hid in the Supercuts bathroom and was soon arrested by some other guys with guns.

Safety First

Whether Floridians behave like meth users or meth users behave like Floridians will probably always remain a mystery, but of one thing we can definitely be certain: the ones that make the news most often aren’t going to be the best or the brightest. They may, if 49-year-old Douglas Kelly has his way about it, be the most safety conscious, though.

Kelly, from Hawthorne, called the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday to say that he had bought what he thought was methamphetamine; but, after smoking it and having a “violent reaction,” he suspected that he had been given the wrong substance — and he wanted to press charges against the person who sold it to him, deputies said in a Facebook post.
Detectives told him that they could certainly test the drug for him to ensure it was meth. And, the authorities said, he took them up on it.

“Kelly drove to the sheriff’s office and handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil. The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase.”

He was, of course, arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine.

There is no word on why he may have had the reaction he did, but because it’s meth, you idiot is likely a safe bet.

Put The Money In The Bag. I’ll Be Outside Double Checking, So Don’t Try Anything

Bank robbery pretty clearly is not for Michael Gale Nash. Not only did he whip out the old write your hold-up note on a paper with your name and birthday written on the other side of it gimmick, but then he didn’t even bother running away once he got his money from a disproportionately frightened teller.

Anchorage police rapidly solved a bank robbery Tuesday after the suspect handed the teller a hold-up note with his name and birthdate on the back, according to a charging document filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Anchorage.
But Anchorage police didn’t even need that handy tip to arrest Michael Gale Nash after he left First National Bank Alaska on 36th Avenue in Midtown with $400 in a bag, the FBI says.
“It’s my understanding he was sitting outside the bank counting his money when police arrived,” said Staci Feger-Pellessier, a spokeswoman with the FBI in Alaska.

Nash entered the bank wearing a large backpack, sweater and blue jeans shortly after 4 p.m. Tuesday, documents say.

He handed the teller a note: “This is a hold up. Please put the money they want in the bag. God help us!!!”
The hold-up note was written on the back of a form from an organization that provides affordable housing in the Lower 48. Nash’s personal information was on the form.
Feger-Pellessier said she understands no weapon was involved.
The teller, new to the job, was “momentarily dazed,” and did not immediately follow steps to alert police and co-workers. But a manager noticed the look on her face after the teller interacted with Nash, learned the details and reported the crime.
The teller “was visibly shaken, displaying shortness of breath and on the verge of crying,” according to the affidavit by an FBI investigator.

Police say Nash confessed to the crime and was arrested, which temporarily solves his affordable housing problem. I doubt that was his plan all along, but at least he has something to show for his efforts.

The Dashcam Giveth And The Dashcam Taketh Away

Note to Xavier Moran: If you own one of those dashcams that records everything, there’s more than a slim chance that the word everything means exactly what you’d think it would. This is important, because not only will it have the good evidence on it that will prove you weren’t at fault in that car accident, but it’s also likely to keep that pesky attempted robbery stuff around, too.

The Palm Beach Post reports that after 25-year-old Xavier Moran was involved in a crash on April 5, he told a sheriff’s deputy he had been cut off by another driver and could prove it with his dashboard camera. He then signed a consent waiver to search the camera.
When the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputy reviewed the footage, he saw Moran burglarizing a beauty store. Authorities say the video showed Moran taking a baseball bat from the trunk and someone using the bat to break the glass door to the store.

He’s been charged with burglary, of course.