Keister Surprise

I know in the grand scheme of things Kinder Surprise eggs are pretty small, but you know what’s even smaller? Your exit hatch. So the fact that now current Ottawa-Carleton Detention Centre resident Damian O’Reilly seems to have set an unofficial record by managing to fit eight of them into his is, in its own way, almost as impressive as it is stupid.

O’Reilly figured the quickest way to get arrested would be to throw a rock at a police cruiser in front of the courthouse and, sure enough, he got the job done in minutes flat. It helped that he was already on probation, so when he was arrested, he was held for bail and shipped off to the old Innes Road jail. 
And that’s where his plot unravelled.
It’s not known if the guard noticed O’Reilly was in some discomfort but whatever the reason, the guard had suspicions that O’Reilly might be smuggling drugs. The young inmate was escorted to dry cell No. 9. A dry cell has no plumbing and guards will either attempt to seize the contraband or wait for it to be expelled.
In this case, it was O’Reilly himself who, once alone in the dry cell, removed eight Kinder Surprise eggs from his rectum. A guard had to then collect the eggs and photograph them before securing them inside the Ottawa police drug safe at the jail.

In all, the eight eggs contained 59 grams of marijuana, a gram of MDMA, tobacco, rolling papers and matches.

Earlier reports that O’Reilly *was* the drug safe are erroneous.

by the way, if Drug Safe isn’t his nickname by the time I hit publish on this, there’s something wrong with this world.

Anyway, O’Reilly pleaded guilty to drug trafficking and was sentenced to sit in jail for a year and some change, although standing may be more comfortable for a while.

As for the possible record mentioned above, he doubled it. The previous mark was set by an unidentified man in 2010 who only managed four, the friggin amateur.

More Like Sputtering To A Sad Halt Like A Couple Of Losers ON Empty

Before you run from the police, you should really think long and hard about the potential ramifications of that decision. What if you don’t get away? Is whatever this is worth going to jail over? What if you cause an accident? Is possibly killing yourself or someone else a risk you’re truly willing to take? When the police begin caving in your skull for making their lives difficult with your idiocy, can you take it like a man? You should consider all of these things, but let’s be honest. You’re not going to. You have a split second choice to make and there’s just not time for that. Plus you’re probably drunk or on drugs. But snap decision or not, there’s one thing you should always take the time to do before you say screw it and take off. Have a quick gander at the gas gauge.

The Des Moines Police Department says the chase began at SE 5th and Army Post around 1:30 a.m. when an officer attempted to pull over a Ford F-150 truck for an equipment violation.
The chase went through Norwalk on Highway 28 south and continued on to Highway 92 east through Indianola. Police say it finally ended when the suspect vehicle ran out of gas near Pleasantville.

Caleb Wood and Mark York, who police say were involved in another, presumably more successful chase not long before this one, were arrested on outstanding warrants. Wood was also hit with new charges of failure to have a valid driver’s license, eluding, possession of narcotics and a few traffic violations for good measure. York faces a charge of possession of drug paraphernalia. Based on that, I guess we know which one was driving. Which one is responsible for not filling up, however, is still a mystery.

I Was Just Trying A Different Door Like You Said

I likely would have posted this regardless because it’s the sort of thing we tend to enjoy, but it’s nearer and dearer to my heart than usual because I used to live in Woodstock and still have some family there. Guess what, guys. You’re officially smarter than at least one neighbour. Congratulations.

The 41-year-old man, who is currently on probation and known to police, tried to enter the Woodstock police station on July 5 at around 1:30 a.m. by buzzing at the back door used by staff members.
When police told him he had to enter through the front door he decided instead to wander through the staff parking lot where he entered and searched staff vehicles.
Once he finished stealing everything in one car he moved on to another staff vehicle.

In a development that should come as a surprise to maybe this one guy here, police stations are loaded with security cameras. They are also, and you might want to sit down for this one, loaded with police officers. Police officers who will catch you pretty handily 99 times out of 100 in spite of your best efforts to walk away from them whilst you profess your innocence.

This was not the 100th time, and police were able to recover several stolen items during the ensuing search and arrest.

No word on which door they take you through when your destination is jail.

The Sun And Jocsan Feliciano Rosado: Two Things That Weren’t Very Bright On Monday

What can’t this week’s eclipse do? It excited, it educated, it brought people together, it helped the police catch a suspected car thief…wait, what?

Overshadowed:Meet Jocsan Feliciano Rosado. This 22-year-old stole a vehicle and was being followed by the OCSO's…

Posted by Orange County Sheriff's Office, Florida on Monday, August 21, 2017

Rosado has been charged with third-degree grand theft. The status of his custody and/or bail was not reported, so we don’t know if he’s able to look up at the sun right now.

Are You Happy To See Me Or Did You Leave Weed In Your Gitch Again

Let’s mark this one down as a good try. And when I say good, of course what I actually mean is what a terrible, terrible try.

A Port St. Lucie police officer about 11:20 p.m. spotted a “suspicious vehicle/parking violation” involving a Chevrolet Silverado in the 600 block of Southeast Majestic Terrace.
An officer smelled burned marijuana wafting from the vehicle.
Investigators say the passenger, 32-year-old Tyce Fields, had a violation of probation warrant and was taken into custody.
An officer reported extracting a bag of marijuana from Fields’s “groin area.”
“Tyce stated that he didn`t know the cannabis was on him because he recently changed underpants,” a report states.

Have You Checked Your Nose?

I don’t know this for an absolute fact, but if you put a gun to my head and told me to guess I’m pretty sure I’d tell you that yes, David Blackmon was more than likely getting high on his own supply. If not his own, then somebody’s. Why else would he have called the cops, told them his job was drug dealer and then gone on to report the theft of cash and cocaine? Cocaine that, as it turns out, was right where he left it.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County…

Posted by Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office on Monday, July 17, 2017

Just in case anything ever happens to that Facebook post, here’s what it says.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office Sunday morning to report that someone had stolen a baggie of cocaine and cash from his car.
32-year old David Blackmon of 119 Carson Drive, who identified himself as a drug dealer, told the responding deputy that someone entered his car while it was parked at 400 Ed Street and stole $50.00 and about a quarter ounce of cocaine off the center console.
The deputy however spotted cocaine still in that spot. He also found a crack pipe on the floorboard by the driver’s door and seat and a crack rock on the center console by the cocaine. The money was not located.
Blackmon is charged with possession of cocaine, resisting arrest without violence, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

During his arrest, Blackmon, who is currently free on $4,000 bond, wondered aloud why the officer, if he had found the supposedly stolen drugs, let him keep talking.

Come on, man. Obviously it’s because he was making conversation while he tried to help you find your cash. That’s just common sense.

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Gonna Cruise On Home

In case you were wondering (god I hope you’re not), there are no good times to steal a police cruiser. There are only bad times and worse times, And one of the worst times of all is when the cruiser on which you have your eye is sitting in the parking lot of its police station with an officer inside of it.

It happened about 5 a.m. on July 17 as Officer Robie Troutman was in his patrol vehicle at the main police station writing a report, according to his report.
“While in my vehicle, I heard the rear passenger side door handle make noise and then the front passenger side door handle make noise, where I was positioned seated in the driver seat of my clearly marked Fort Pierce Police Department Patrol vehicle,” the report said.

Troutman opened his door and reported seeing a man later identified as Aaron Orlando Rodriguez III run away and hide behind another vehicle.

When he was arrested which didn’t take long because it’s amazing how quickly the cops can get to you when you come to them first, he was found to be carrying two cell phones, a portable speaker, $20 and the best chance we have of explaining any of this, a pipe containing marijuana residue.

When questioned, Rodriguez told officers that he tried to take the vehicle because it was running and he wanted a ride home.

Should have dropped that 20 bucks on a cab, dude.

Swing And A Miss, His Luck Is Out

As a lad, I remember watching Danny Tartabull play baseball. He was pretty good at it as I recall, especially at the part where you hit the ball very well seemingly more often than you miss it.

But as good as he was at that, he was apparently much less good at paying his child support. He was so not good at that, in fact, that he was convicted and labeled a deadbeat dad back in 2011. He was given probation which it turns out he was not good at not violating, so in 2012 he was given some jail time as punishment.

So…uh…guess what else Danny Tartabull wasn’t good at. If you said showing up to serve his time, congratulations, you’ve been paying attention. Since he didn’t turn himself in, a warrant was issued for his arrest, which brings us back to things that Danny Tartabull is good at.

For nearly five years, Danny Tartabull, who I remind you was a pretty famous baseball player that somebody somewhere would almost certainly still be able to recognize today, managed to not get himself hauled in. Impressive.

But no matter how good one is at something, there inevitably comes a day when one is going to slip up. For Danny Tartabull, that day was July 24th, 2017. On that day, someone broke into his car. As one does when someone breaks into one’s car, he called the police. The police, as police do, ran his name through the system. Go on and guess what they found.

Tartabull was arrested and at last word was sitting in jail awaiting a meeting with a judge.

Not good Danny, not good.

I Need That Cash Back! How Am I Supposed To Buy a Clue Without It?

After you’ve broken into an apartment in an attempt to rape somebody only to be chased off by a dude with a sword, you’d think you might want to lay low for a while and maybe stop pushing your luck. But you, my friend, are not Francisco Chavez. *His* next move was to waltz into the local police station and report the wallet he dropped whilst running for his life as stolen.

“When I got to the landing at the top of the stairs, I took one cut at him with the sword, but he ducked, and I missed and dented the wood railing.”
The man ran down the stairs. Dolan went back to check on the bruised and rattled woman, call 911 and wake a friend visiting from Boston who’d slept through it all on a couch several feet away. 
“While we were waiting for police to arrive, I found the guy’s wallet on the ground,” Dolan said. “It must have fallen out of his pocket. I found a Carolina Panthers hat, too.”

Around the time the police got there, a man walked in to a nearby Shakespeare District police station in Logan Square and reported he’d been the victim of a robbery, that his wallet was stolen.

Officers ran a search on his name and discovered he was wanted for the attack that Dolan had put a stop to with his $100 Medieval Times sword.
Francisco Chavez, 39, who lives in Logan Square, was charged with home invasion, attempted aggravated criminal sexual assault and aggravated criminal sexual abuse.

But it doesn’t quite end there, as he also happened to match the description of someone police were looking for after a somewhat similar incident at a different building a couple weeks earlier.

A woman told the police she saw a man urinating in the middle of the day in Pulaski Park just north of Division Street and west of the Kennedy Expressway who then followed her for about a block to her apartment and began pacing back and fourth outside her building, according to Assistant Cook County State’s Attorney Ed Murillo.
When a couple of dog walkers asked what the man was doing, he responded: “I’m just waiting for that white bitch next door,” according to Murillo.
Minutes later, the woman saw the man peeping through a window and ran out her back door. Two workmen chased him away.
Minutes later, the dog walkers saw him climb through a bedroom window into the woman’s apartment, Murillo said. The woman heard a noise and found Chavez standing in her closet.
She again ran out of the house screaming. Murillo said Chavez chased and tried to grab her, but the two dog walkers again were passing and chased him down an alley, where he was caught on a surveillance camera.

So now, because he didn’t want to hang out on hold long enough to report his cards as lost and get replacements like a smart person, he’s jailed without bail. Thank Christ he’s not a smart person. What a creep.

It Could Also Mean Pilferer Of Everything

It hasn’t happened in a few years to my knowledge, but it was only going to be a matter of time before some guy (it’s always a guy) went and pulled a Wolfname, and that time is now.

Police in Boynton Beach, Florida, had been trying to solve a rash of thefts from local businesses. they had an idea of who they were looking for thanks to a description obtained from security footage, a description that included a right forearm tattoo that read “POE”. So when officers noticed a man who looked like their guy at a gas station, naturally they wanted to have a chat. During that conversation, they couldn’t help but notice the tattoo on his arm. It read “POE”. Bingo, we got him. But what does “POE” mean? A bit of investigation revealed that it meant Poe, as in Ryan Austin Poe, who has since been jailed for burglary and imbecility.

A 30-year-old man has been arrested in connection with a series of break-ins at Boynton Beach businesses, according to police reports.
Boynton Beach police managed to identify Ryan Austin Poe in part because surveillance video captured a tattoo with Poe’s last name spelled out in capital letters on his right forearm.
Poe, who is homeless, is facing three counts each of burglary, two counts of grand theft and one count of petit theft and was being held at the Palm Beach County Jail late Tuesday in lieu of $25,000 bail.