Aww Nuts. What A Meth. Everything’s Going To Pot. I’m Such An Ass

When you’re a 13 times convicted felon, I don’t think it’s going too far out on that limb over there to say that decision making maybe isn’t one of your better qualities. This certainly seems to be the case with Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, who looks to be well on his way to conviction 14 and beyond after a couple of bad days in April.

The trouble started, as trouble often does, when Wilson managed to shoot himself in the nuts with a gun he was carrying in his pocket.

As a felon, he wasn’t supposed to have a gun. Thinking at least that far into the future, Wilson reportedly told his girlfriend to drive him first to a friend who would hide the weapon, and then to the hospital where he could get his weapon repaired.

Unfortunately for Wilson, he didn’t hide one other thing he wasn’t supposed to have. Scratch that. He actually did hide it, just not well enough.

While he was being operated on in hospital, a balloon containing marijuana fell out of his anus. This and the gunshot wound that started us down this path prompted staff there to get in touch with the authorities.

Those authorities eventually wound up searching Wilson’s car and finding something else he didn’t hide well enough, that being a bag of meth in the pocket of the blood soaked pants he took off when he got to the hospital.

Police decided not to arrest him right then, instead issuing a warrant. To his credit, Wilson did, a couple days later, turn himself in. But again (or perhaps that should be butt again), he proved not to be world hide and seek championship material.

A detective familiar with Wilson told jail officials that they might want to give him a good going over since he tends to like to stash things in his underside bin, if you will. And sure enough, during a strip search, another balloon of marijuana came out to say hello.

More charges followed, but that still wasn’t the end of it.

If anyone should know that the jail phone mightn’t be the best place from which to pester folks about not cooperating with the police, you would think that person would be a 13 times convicted felon. You would be wrong.

Police listening to calls Wilson made to his girlfriend decided there was enough there to charge him with four counts of tampering with a witness to go along with his drug and weapons charges.

Trials are ongoing, and at last word Wilson was still being held on $110,000 bail.

Why Didn’t Someone Tell Me Two-Bagger Wasn’t An Insult?

I’m not sure if this fella has been arrested yet, but it likely won’t be long before his poor planning comes back to bite him if not.

Just before 8.30pm the man walked into the store on Lower King Street, Caboolture, with the bag on his head and threatened the female attendant with a knife.
The staff member complied, handing him cash and cigarettes, which he placed in the bag after removing it from his head.

Yes, he was caught on camera. You can see those images at the link above. Be sure to call police if you recognize him, or to laugh in his exposed face if you’re reading this from prison and he happens to be sitting nearby.

Diamonds And Buns

Obviously the main story here is that this fella had 44 diamonds stuffed into his jewelry can, but it maybe shouldn’t be overlooked that he was riding a motorcycle at the time. That cannot have been comfortable.

Twenty-three-year-old Eusebio Padilla was arrested on charges including receiving stolen property and tampering with evidence after what began as a routine traffic stop on April 7. Police pulled him over for allegedly riding a motorcycle without a license plate.

Police said they spotted a knife on Padilla and patted him down. He was caught attempting to remove “a baggy” from his rear at some point during the traffic stop, according to a criminal complaint filed in Albuquerque’s Metropolitan Court.
Police said they found 44 diamonds inside the bag recovered from Padilla’s rectum. The man allegedly told officers that he obtained the jewels from his uncle who “usually has stolen items,” KOB 4 reported.

Yup, he received that stolen property, all right.

Police say that Padilla’s plan was to eventually trade the diamonds for drugs. Assuming they’re not fakes, how did he plan to get a stash that size home on a motorcycle?

Oh. Right.

Somebody Bombed Reading Comprehension

Am I a cranky old man, or is it reasonable to expect that by the time a kid gets to high school she should be able to call in her bomb threat to the right place even if the names maybe look kind of similar?

A bomb threat to the Wilkinson School in El Granada, reported the morning of April 11, came from a juvenile in Mississippi who meant to call her own school with the threat, according to the San Mateo County Sheriff’s Office. 
Sheriff’s Office investigators say they were able to trace Thursday’s phone call to the El Granada school to a high school student who attends Wilkinson County High School in Mississippi. Apparently, the threat was intended for the Mississippi school, according to the San Mateo County Sheriff’s Office. The principal of the high school in Mississippi was notified of the incident, and the school administration will handle the discipline of the student, according to a San Mateo County Sheriff’s release.

Gambling, Drug Running…Is This Guy Good AT Anything?

If you’re going to transport a big ‘ol bag of drugs across Canada, maybe don’t listen to your buddy’s GPS when it tells you to unnecessarily cross the border into the United States. But if you are going to listen to it because it promises to save you some time, at least make sure everyone has all of their paperwork with them, for christ’s sake.

A photo of the bag of meth seized at the Canada U.S. border.
The aforementioned big ‘ol bag of drugs.

According to a criminal complaint filed in the eastern district of Michigan, Xethalis was told to transport “something” from Montreal to Calgary as a way of waiving a $2,000 gambling debt. He was also told to pick up two people in Toronto for the trip.

Xethalis allegedly told investigators he knew he was transporting pills to Calgary, but didn’t know what they were.
The complaint also indicates that once Xethalis picked up the two other passengers, one of them used his iPhone’s GPS to direct them to Calgary, which then led them to the Blue Water Bridge.
After approaching the border, none of the passengers could provide border agents with identification, so the agents conducted a secondary search of the vehicle, where the methamphetamine tablets were found.

Xethalis has been charged with possession with intent to distribute controlled substances and importation of a schedule I controlled substance.

We Were Going To End UP Here Anyway, Sooooo…

This is security video of a couple of saps whose shoplifting experience couldnt’ have gone much worse if it tried.

Officials tell KTAR-FM that officers were called to a gas station for possible shoplifting at 6 p.m. Friday. Authorities say as officers arrived, the suspects, 28-year-old Marwan Al Ebadi and 29-year-old Salma Hourieh, took off running.
The pair ran along the side of a building and jumped a fence, despite a sign for “Peoria Police” above the door.
Security video shows Hourieh trying to hide under a bench before being placed in custody. Al Ebadi climbed back over the fence and was arrested on the street.

Maybe you miss the sign because you’re in a panic. I can handle that. But why in god’s name would you think you could get away by going back from whence you came? You left there for a reason. You’re trapped. It’s over.

Oh, there are drug charges amongst what they were dinged for? Never mind. We’re good.

Simple Twymans Bad At Crime And Going To The Jail

“Butler County Sheriff Richard Jones wants to relay a few tips about what you should never do at the Sheriff’s Office or any police agency,” Jones said in a news release. “We hope you find this helpful:
“• If you are not handicapped, do not park in a handicap spot, especially if the sheriff’s personal vehicle is parked directly behind you.
“• When a deputy tells you to move your vehicle because you are illegally parked in a handicap spot, do not exit the vehicle and run away.
“• Do not jump into someone else’s vehicle and tell them you have warrants and need a ride-that person will probably tell on you.
“• Do not come to the sheriff’s office with a vehicle loaded with stolen merchandise and then do any of the above.”

Good advice that unfortunately came too late for Kimberly and Anthony Twyman, who have been arrested and jailed for inspiring it.

We Thought You Might Like This Back. Oh, And You’re Under Arrest

This is astoundingly stupid.

A man chased by Cape Coral police last week was found in his home Monday because he left his driver’s license with an officer.  
30-year-old Vincent Parlato’s Ford Mustang was stopped on Santa Barbara Boulevard on Sunday, Feb. 10 after a Cape Coral police officer noticed him driving 60 mph in a 45 mph zone. 
Officer Ross pulled Parlato over. When explaining why she had stopped him, the officer said Parlato was argumentative and would not follow directions. He handed the officer his driver’s license and then decided to take off.

To his credit, Parlato must have done a decent job of taking off. It took police a week to catch up with him. But when they did, he was promptly charged with fleeing and eluding law enforcement and resisting law enforcement without violence.

They Hired Me To Deliver Things. They Said Nothing About Leaving Them There

This is definitely one of the dumber thefts I’ve seen in a while.

So what if I had to show ID to get in and who cares if there’s quite obviously a camera attached to this house? I’m taking this package. Just try to stop me.

Surveillance cameras captured a delivery driver taking an Amazon package she had just dropped off at a Parkland home.
The reported theft took place along the 9900 block of Northwest 66th Manor in the gated community, Monday afternoon.

The video showed an Amazon contractor dropping off and taking a picture of the package at the home’s front porch.
The woman could then be seen in the video picking up the package before walking away with it.

Amazon has taken the driver off her route while the investigation is ongoing.

The value of the items taken was approximately $7, so hopefully it was all worth it.

If you somehow have any information that may be helpful, you can call Broward County Crime Stoppers at 954-493-TIPS. You may be eligible for a $3,000 reward, which is pretty hilarious.

How long until the delivery lady calls in to confess, then tries to sue when she doesn’t get paid for solving the crime?

Arrest Your Elders

If you’re going to rob a hotel, maybe don’t use its own sheets as your disguise. And maybe don’t book a room there under your own name. And hiding in that room after the fact and expecting not to be discovered? You should maybe forget about that, too.

Joseph Elder, 59, of Wayne, New Jersey, got into the lobby of the Ramada Inn on Route 46 through a now-shuttered adjacent restaurant wearing the sheet around 11:30 p.m. on Dec. 29, the Wayne Police Department said.
After Elder entered the lobby, he allegedly jumped over the hotel desk counter, pried open a cash drawer and stole an unspecified amount of money before fleeing through the restaurant, police said.
“… [Elder] attempted to conceal his identity with a Casper the ghost style bed sheet with holes cut out,” the department said.

Officers searching the area after the robbery learned that Elder was actually staying in a room at the hotel, according to police.

He’s been charged with a count each of burglary and theft.