You Can Cuff Me, But Only For Another $20

Yes, a 70-year-old massage lady did offer to take the nice officer to the full service pumps for an additional fee, but do not let that fact distract you from the best part of this, that being that it all went down (so to speak) at Jax Therapy.

Septuagenarian Sun Hee Gribat was collared Tuesday at Jax Therapy in Jacksonville. Police began probing the business after receiving reports that female employees performed sex acts on customers.
After an undercover detective paid Gribat $70 for a 30-minute rubdown, she led him to a massage room. During the massage, cops allege, Gribat allegedly “offered to masturbate the detective for additional $60.00.”

Trigger Warning

People shoot themselves this way with stunning regularity, but rarely are those people as aptly named as Jason Trigger.

Trigger, 35, was in a Dollar General store in Hudson when a handgun fell from his waistband, hit the floor and fired into his right ankle, according to Bay News 9.

He left before paramedics arrived and went to hospital, where he was taken into custody, according to WFLA.

The reason he was taken into custody is that beyond his lack of common sense dictating that he maybe shouldn’t have a gun, the law had already dictated that he absolutely wasn’t supposed to. Thanks to multiple arrests for crimes ranging from possession of cocaine, grand theft, resisting an officer and arson, he was a felon in possession of a firearm, which police were happy to add to his list.

Meet Scarface And His Owner Scartorso

There is so much about this story that makes me go “wow.” First, somebody had a pit bull and they named it Scarface. To me, this sounds like they think of him as kind of mean. Maybe picking the name was random, or he had a weird scar on his face for some innocent reason and they thought it would be funny, but it kind of sounds like they wanted him to be not the friendliest beast in the world.

Then one day, they decided to put a sweater on him. It did not go well at all.

According to WFTS, a pit bull mix named Scarface bit Brenda Guerrero when she tried to get the sweater on him. Scarface then attacked her husband, Ismael Guerrero, when he tried to pull him off of Brenda.

At this point, the Guerrero’s adult son, Antoine Harris, tried to come to the rescue by stabbing Scarface in the head with a knife. This only resulted in Harris getting attacked and all three people eventually ran into the house and left Scarface in the backyard.
Animal Control and police then showed up and found that they also had their hands full with Scarface, who was at this point appeared unstoppable.
“Officers responding said the dog was pretty aggressive,” Eddy Durkin with Tampa police said. “When they tazed the dog the dog was still pulling away and was able to release the prongs from the tazer.”
When Animal Control and Tampa Police arrived to the home, the dog was shot with a tranquilizer gun.

What on earth would make them think it’s a good idea to try and put a friggin sweater on their dog? I don’t know of a dog who likes that, unless maybe they’ve had it done since they were a puppy, but I don’t think that’s the case here.

More importantly, what would make them think it was a good idea to put a sweater on a great big pit bull? I know everybody who has pit bulls says they get a terrible reputation, but they’re really sweet dogs…and all that, but they named a pit bull Scarface. I still think when you get a big ol’ pit bull and call it Scarface, you don’t want a cutesy wootsy cuddly pet. You want an aggressive or at least protective animal. I know lots of protective animals wouldn’t try to chomp their owners, but I wonder about how much actual training these owners gave it.

This makes me think of all the people who haven’t a clue about the signals their pets are sending. I don’t know how many people I hear say “Oh, he’s just friendly, wanting to play,” while their dog is growling and snarling. The dog probably gave them all kinds of warnings before it bit them and they didn’t even notice.

And…come on now, they tried to put the dog in a damn sweater! I don’t want to see anyone get mangled, but I kind of feel sorry for the dog.

No Word On If He Was On The Sauce At The Time

Arrested in January for robbing a pizza delivery man of a couple of pizzas and $25 at gunpoint are Logan Alexander and more importantly for our purposes, Sheldon Cheese.

The victim, whose name was not released, was delivering the pizzas Tuesday to Cheese and his friend, Logan Alexander, 18, of Littlestown, Pa., at a location in Penn Township, according to the affidavit filed with Magisterial District Judge James Miner, who holds court in Hanover. Police contend that Cheese knocked on the man’s car window and the victim got out of his car while Alexander waited at the rear pointing a gun.

The delivery man gave the suspects two pizzas and $25, and they fled, police said.

Somebody’s Living Up To His Name Again

Perhaps you recall Dr. Jake Heiney, who was charged with and subsequently convicted of doing unauthorized things to the body parts for which he is named while he was supposed to be practising medicine. Well, he’s in the news again, this time for acting like one of those body parts for which he is named, specifically the round bit in the centre.

A former Lambertville physician who was convicted of sexual assault while examining a patient and has served time in jail is suing one of the victims who testified against him for defamation of character.
Dr. Jake Paul Heiney, who in June was sentenced to 90 days in jail, filed a three-count lawsuit against a woman who testified in court that he removed her pants and underwear during a routine back examination.

He is seeking more than $25,000 plus attorney fees for the humiliation, embarrassment, disgrace and public scandal.
A countersuit is expected to be filed soon by the woman’s attorney.
“The statements were made by the defendant with malicious intent,” the lawsuit reads. “The plaintiff (Dr. Heiney) suffered financially as well as physically by having been charged with a criminal act. (Dr. Heiney) suffered extreme stress and depression and economic and non-economic losses.”

The lawsuit filed in Monroe County Circuit Court claims defamation of character, libel and slander; intentional infliction of emotional distress, and malicious prosecution.
His attorney, James O. Elliott of Bloomfield Hills, said the former doctor is appealing the convictions and hinted that the victims lied on the stand.

Put Your Best Foot, Or At Least A Few Inches, Woodward

All that Patrick R. Marsh wanted was something we’ve all wanted at one time or another, I think. To “obtain” a little “courtship” from a lovely young thing on a warm summer day. Nothing wrong with that. No, nothing at all. Nor is there anything wrong with injecting a touch of creativity into your romantic pursuits. Some folks appreciate that. But rare is the bird who will perceive as creative and react appreciatively to your methods consisting of knocking on the door bare ass naked, twig and berries in hand. That’s a problem.

When the 30-year-old female victim answered her door in Woodward Township at about 12:30 p.m., she found a nude Patrick R. Marsh, 59, standing there with his genitals in his hands, according to police. 
Marsh went to the woman’s door in the East Park Drive Apartments complex “in an attempt to obtain courtship,” the Pennsylvania State Police said.

Yes, Woodward Township.

Marsh was charged with indecent exposure. No word on time spent in custody or whether courtship was obtained there.

He’s Out Of His Tree, Yet Very Much In It

If you’re going to study traffic patterns or perform some art or whatever else it is you might do while you block the road in the middle of downtown dressed up like a tree, Asher Woodworth is a pretty convenient real name to be sporting while you do it.

Asher Woodworth was apparently studying downtown traffic patterns in Portland while in his leafy costume, the Associated Press reported.
Police said he wanted to see how his act would impact “people’s natural choreography,” according to WCSH6.

The 30-year-old has been charged with obstructing a public way.
A journalist at the scene said Woodworth was initially warned by police, but he was arrested after he blocked traffic again.

If you want to take a stab at sorting out what it means to impact “people’s natural choreography, this interview exists. But be warned, even Woodworth himself doesn’t quite know what the hell he was doing.

What was the connection between disrupting the speed and economy of everyday life and dressing as a tree?
It’s a good question. I don’t know that I can say I completely understand the connection between the two things. I’m not sure where this image came from. I think there is something about everyday life as a ceremony that I’m interested in and the ritual nature of art.
I guess I just figured it would be really interesting for someone to look over and see a tree where they weren’t expecting to see a tree. I thought maybe it would be amusing or delightful, or maybe it would upset them. And all of those responses are interesting and valid.

There’s Gold In Them Thar Holes

The story of Leston Lawrence, the former Royal Canadian Mint employee accused of pocketing nearly $180,000 by keistering gold pucks has been all over the news today. But in all the coverage, one fact, albeit quite a childish one, seems to have flown under the radar.

Lawrence’s trial, on charges that include theft, laundering the proceeds of crime (pretty sure that joke writes itself), possession of stolen property and breach of trust has been presided over by a Justice Peter Doody. There’s no convincing me that this didn’t happen on purpose.

That aside, this is actually a pretty interesting case if for no other reason than it reveals that security at the Mint, A.K.A. the place where they literally make money, is kind of not very good.

“Appalling,” was the conclusion of defence lawyer Gary Barnes, who described the Crown’s case as an underwhelming collection of circumstantial evidence.
“This is the Royal Canadian Mint, your Honour, and one would think they should have the highest security measures imaginable,” Barnes said in his closing submission.
“And here the gold is left sitting around in open buckets.”
Indeed, it was not even the Mint that discovered the alleged theft but an alert bank teller.

But the defence countered with a couple of important points. The Crown was not able to prove conclusively that the gold in Lawrence’s possession actually came from inside the Mint. It had no markings nor, apparently, had any gold been reported missing internally.

Court was told Lawrence set off the metal detector at an exit from the “secure area” with more frequency than any other employee — save those with metal medical implants. When that happened, the procedure was to do a manual search with a hand-held wand, a search that he always passed.
(It was not uncommon for employees to set off the detector, court heard.)

Barnes implied there were many ways Lawrence could have legitimately obtained the gold — he could have bought the coins, for instance — and said he made no efforts to be devious with the gold buyers or the bank. Further, Barnes said, the Mint isn’t even sure a theft took place.
“In fact, I would submit the Mint doesn’t even know if anything is missing.”
In an emailed statement Tuesday evening, a Mint spokeswoman said several security measures had been upgraded, including high definition security cameras in all areas, improved ability to track, balance and reconcile precious metal, and the use of “trend analysis technology.”

And they didn’t have all of this before because…?

I don’t want you to take any of the above as me agreeing that Lawrence is innocent or even that, as his lawyer says, the evidence against him is underwhelming. Circumstantial sure, but sometimes the circumstances don’t lie, and these ones look pretty bad for young Leston here.

One day a teller became suspicious at the size and number of Ottawa Gold Buyers cheques being deposited and Lawrence’s request to wire money out of the country. She then noticed on his account profile that he worked at the Mint. The first red flag was up.
Bank security was alerted, then the RCMP, which began to investigate. Eventually, a search warrant was obtained and four Mint-style pucks were found in Lawrence’s safety deposit box, court heard.

A bit suspect, but a lot of people keep gold around so they’ll have something worthwhile when the financial system inevitably collapses. Hardly means he’s guilty.

Lawrence’s safety deposit box is another one that writes itself, by the way.

The Crown was able to show the pucks precisely fit the Mint’s custom “dipping spoon” made in-house — not available commercially — that is used to scoop molten gold during the production process.
Lawrence, who has since been terminated, was an operator in the refinery section. Among his duties was to scoop gold from buckets so it could be tested for purity, as the Mint prides itself on gold coins above the 99 per cent level.

Getting warmer, but just because he could have doesn’t mean he did.

Investigators also found a container of vaseline in his locker and the trial was presented with the prospect that a puck could be concealed in an anal cavity and not be detected by the wand.


Again, not proclaiming his guilt or innocence here. I’m merely trying to illustrate both that the Mint ought to be doing better and that Gary Barnes and I have different definitions of the word underwhelming.

Before this post ends, I must commend the dedication of at least one unnamed Mint security employee by way of my favourite pair of sentences in this entire article. One you’ve already seen, but the second makes it even better.

Investigators also found a container of vaseline in his locker and the trial was presented with the prospect that a puck could be concealed in an anal cavity and not be detected by the wand. In preparation for these proceedings, in fact, a security employee actually tested the idea, Barnes said.

Somebody had better be getting a raise.

The trial continues November 9th.