They Plan To Throw The Book At Him

Out of pocket nearly $60,000 and facing some trouble with the law after his spring cleaning operation touched off a 700 acre wildfire is Brian Leon Sparks.

A 55-year-old Bryceville man cited by the state for illegally burning books and starting a wildfire that ended up scorching 705 acres in late March now has a $59,403.38 bill to settle for the personnel and machinery used to extinguish that blaze.

Brian Leon Sparks received the bill Monday from the Florida Department of Agriculture for “the amount we incurred in suppressing the fire,” according to its cover letter.
The invoiced bill is on top of a misdemeanor criminal citation for failure to obtain a department permit and reckless land burning after he started burning old paperbacks and clutter outside his Wills Lane home March 22, according to Forest Service officials. The flames got out of control, forcing evacuations, damaging eight homes and prompting a massive fire-suppression effort.

If We Add An Extra L He’ll Be Extra Good At It

I can only theorize that if you look at your newborn son and say to yourself “he looks like a Fellony,” either you already know you don’t like him or that you have insights about the future the rest of us don’t. And considering how things have been going for Fellony with two Ls Hudson, option two seems like a good place to put the smart money. Good call, mom and dad.

Gresham police said the incident began around 7:30 p.m. Tuesday when a caller reported seeing a man hit a woman in a vehicle that was driving recklessly northbound on C Street in Vancouver.
The witness told police the driver seemed high on drugs. The witness said the vehicle was a Dodge Caliber with Oregon license plates.
Police ran the licenses plate number and determined the vehicle was stolen out of Portland about a week ago.
A probable cause affidavit says a Vancouver police officer attempted to stop the vehicle by activating his overhead lights and sirens. Police said the vehicle slowed, but there appeared to be a physical struggle between the driver and the passenger before the vehicle continued driving.
Police reported in the document that the passenger opened the vehicle door and tried to jump from the moving vehicle four times.
The driver, later identified as Fellony Edward Hudson, would grab her, pull her toward him and close the door each time.
Police said this happened while Hudson drove at speeds of 50 to 80 miles per hour.
Authorities pursued the suspect Hudson onto Interstate 84.
When Gresham police joined the pursuit, there were already 10 vehicles pursuing the suspect in the car, police said.
Police said Hudson got out of the car on SE Stark Street and started running north. Officers caught up with him in the parking lot of the Weston Car Dealership and took him into custody.

All of that, according to the police department, is good for felony with one L charges of kidnapping, assault, possession of a stolen vehicle, attempt to elude by vehicle, reckless driving, DUII(driving under the influence of intoxicants), and attempt to elude on foot.

Hudson, who told police that the reason he didn’t stop was because the cops are “known to kill people,” was found by a drug recognition expert to be under the influence of both meth and heroin at the time. A surefire path toward continuing to live up to his birth certificate, that.

Our New Hole Smells

A hazMat team had to be called in when an odor was detected after a truck penetrated the wall of a building belonging to AnalTech, a company name I swear to you all I am 100 percent not making up.

Pick up into building. Route 72 at Blue Hen Drive. Haz Mat situation.

Posted by WDEL on Monday, May 22, 2017

As a result of the collision at the intersection of Route 72 and Blue Hen Drive at 6 a.m., a pick up truck plowed through the wall of a nearby building.
Officials entering the building detected an odor, and a representative explained the smell was coming from a lab. A lab inside AnalTech had been damaged, and hazmat teams were called in due to the chemicals used at the facility.

No one was seriously injured in the crash, but you don’t care about that because you’re wondering how and why in the hell a legitimate business came to be known as AnalTech. Thankfully, there is what almost passes for a good answer to this question.

AnalTech specializes in such products as bulk adsorbents, cyclographs and other accessories used in chromatography.

While AnalTech, a manufacturer of thin-layer chromatography plates, could not be reached for comment about the incident, they’ve been vocal in the past about the history of its company name. 

In an email sent to the Houston Chronicle, a spokesperson revealed, “In 1964, the company paid a marketing firm to come up with a different name. They said, ‘Well, you guys do Analytical Technology – why don’t you put the two words together and call it ‘AnalTech!’ ”
However, the spokesperson admitted that “AnalTech faces certain challenges because of the ‘juvenile’ humor that has developed in the past few decades and current web filters that may block the company name” and has considered rebranding as a result.

Juvenile humour? I’m offended! You don’t see me coming to your office and denigrating your chromatography abilities, do you? And no, that’s not just because I don’t know what any of it means.

You Can Cuff Me, But Only For Another $20

Yes, a 70-year-old massage lady did offer to take the nice officer to the full service pumps for an additional fee, but do not let that fact distract you from the best part of this, that being that it all went down (so to speak) at Jax Therapy.

Septuagenarian Sun Hee Gribat was collared Tuesday at Jax Therapy in Jacksonville. Police began probing the business after receiving reports that female employees performed sex acts on customers.
After an undercover detective paid Gribat $70 for a 30-minute rubdown, she led him to a massage room. During the massage, cops allege, Gribat allegedly “offered to masturbate the detective for additional $60.00.”

Trigger Warning

People shoot themselves this way with stunning regularity, but rarely are those people as aptly named as Jason Trigger.

Trigger, 35, was in a Dollar General store in Hudson when a handgun fell from his waistband, hit the floor and fired into his right ankle, according to Bay News 9.

He left before paramedics arrived and went to hospital, where he was taken into custody, according to WFLA.

The reason he was taken into custody is that beyond his lack of common sense dictating that he maybe shouldn’t have a gun, the law had already dictated that he absolutely wasn’t supposed to. Thanks to multiple arrests for crimes ranging from possession of cocaine, grand theft, resisting an officer and arson, he was a felon in possession of a firearm, which police were happy to add to his list.

Meet Scarface And His Owner Scartorso

There is so much about this story that makes me go “wow.” First, somebody had a pit bull and they named it Scarface. To me, this sounds like they think of him as kind of mean. Maybe picking the name was random, or he had a weird scar on his face for some innocent reason and they thought it would be funny, but it kind of sounds like they wanted him to be not the friendliest beast in the world.

Then one day, they decided to put a sweater on him. It did not go well at all.

According to WFTS, a pit bull mix named Scarface bit Brenda Guerrero when she tried to get the sweater on him. Scarface then attacked her husband, Ismael Guerrero, when he tried to pull him off of Brenda.

At this point, the Guerrero’s adult son, Antoine Harris, tried to come to the rescue by stabbing Scarface in the head with a knife. This only resulted in Harris getting attacked and all three people eventually ran into the house and left Scarface in the backyard.
Animal Control and police then showed up and found that they also had their hands full with Scarface, who was at this point appeared unstoppable.
“Officers responding said the dog was pretty aggressive,” Eddy Durkin with Tampa police said. “When they tazed the dog the dog was still pulling away and was able to release the prongs from the tazer.”
When Animal Control and Tampa Police arrived to the home, the dog was shot with a tranquilizer gun.

What on earth would make them think it’s a good idea to try and put a friggin sweater on their dog? I don’t know of a dog who likes that, unless maybe they’ve had it done since they were a puppy, but I don’t think that’s the case here.

More importantly, what would make them think it was a good idea to put a sweater on a great big pit bull? I know everybody who has pit bulls says they get a terrible reputation, but they’re really sweet dogs…and all that, but they named a pit bull Scarface. I still think when you get a big ol’ pit bull and call it Scarface, you don’t want a cutesy wootsy cuddly pet. You want an aggressive or at least protective animal. I know lots of protective animals wouldn’t try to chomp their owners, but I wonder about how much actual training these owners gave it.

This makes me think of all the people who haven’t a clue about the signals their pets are sending. I don’t know how many people I hear say “Oh, he’s just friendly, wanting to play,” while their dog is growling and snarling. The dog probably gave them all kinds of warnings before it bit them and they didn’t even notice.

And…come on now, they tried to put the dog in a damn sweater! I don’t want to see anyone get mangled, but I kind of feel sorry for the dog.

No Word On If He Was On The Sauce At The Time

Arrested in January for robbing a pizza delivery man of a couple of pizzas and $25 at gunpoint are Logan Alexander and more importantly for our purposes, Sheldon Cheese.

The victim, whose name was not released, was delivering the pizzas Tuesday to Cheese and his friend, Logan Alexander, 18, of Littlestown, Pa., at a location in Penn Township, according to the affidavit filed with Magisterial District Judge James Miner, who holds court in Hanover. Police contend that Cheese knocked on the man’s car window and the victim got out of his car while Alexander waited at the rear pointing a gun.

The delivery man gave the suspects two pizzas and $25, and they fled, police said.

Somebody’s Living Up To His Name Again

Perhaps you recall Dr. Jake Heiney, who was charged with and subsequently convicted of doing unauthorized things to the body parts for which he is named while he was supposed to be practising medicine. Well, he’s in the news again, this time for acting like one of those body parts for which he is named, specifically the round bit in the centre.

A former Lambertville physician who was convicted of sexual assault while examining a patient and has served time in jail is suing one of the victims who testified against him for defamation of character.
Dr. Jake Paul Heiney, who in June was sentenced to 90 days in jail, filed a three-count lawsuit against a woman who testified in court that he removed her pants and underwear during a routine back examination.

He is seeking more than $25,000 plus attorney fees for the humiliation, embarrassment, disgrace and public scandal.
A countersuit is expected to be filed soon by the woman’s attorney.
“The statements were made by the defendant with malicious intent,” the lawsuit reads. “The plaintiff (Dr. Heiney) suffered financially as well as physically by having been charged with a criminal act. (Dr. Heiney) suffered extreme stress and depression and economic and non-economic losses.”

The lawsuit filed in Monroe County Circuit Court claims defamation of character, libel and slander; intentional infliction of emotional distress, and malicious prosecution.
His attorney, James O. Elliott of Bloomfield Hills, said the former doctor is appealing the convictions and hinted that the victims lied on the stand.