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I hate to kick people while they’re down (that’s a lie), but this right here, as dumb things go, is way the fuck up there.

When deadly flames incinerated hundreds of homes in Santa Rosa’s Fountaingrove neighborhood earlier this month, they also destroyed irreplaceable papers and correspondence held nearby and once belonging to the founders of Silicon Valley’s first technology company, Hewlett-Packard.
The Tubbs fire consumed the collected archives of William Hewlett and David Packard, the tech pioneers who in 1938 formed an electronics company in a Palo Alto garage with $538 in cash.
More than 100 boxes of the two men’s writings, correspondence, speeches and other items were contained in one of two modular buildings that burned to the ground at the Fountaingrove headquarters of Keysight Technologies. Keysight, the world’s largest electronics measurement company, traces its roots to HP and acquired the archives in 2014 when its business was split from Agilent Technologies — itself an HP spinoff.
The Hewlett and Packard collections had been appraised in 2005 at nearly $2 million and were part of a wider company archive valued at $3.3 million. However, those acquainted with the archives and the pioneering company’s impact on the technology world said the losses can’t be represented by a dollar figure.

This is dumb not only because modular building is often little more than a fancy term for shed and any idiot knows (or so I thought) that a shed is no place to store millions of dollars worth of irreplaceable documentation, but also because the whole thing was entirely preventable. In fact I have a pretty good feeling HP itself might’ve had just the solution.

Even the newspaper seems to want to rub it in. Why else would this story have been assigned to one Robert Digitale?

My Baby Is Missing! And I’m Not Sure Where My Daughter Is, Either

Police in Ohio have arrested a woman for only being half right when she called them to report that her car had been stolen with one of her children inside.

Authorities say the mother told police she had her car running in front of her home on North 4th Street and her daughter Janylia was sleeping in the backseat.

When she returned into her home to get her additional children, the car was stolen.
Officers responded to the area and were able to find the vehicle roughly a mile away but no child was inside.

An unfortunate mix-up, but an arrest-worthy one? Clearly she must have been panicking. Wouldn’t we all be panicking?

Investigators were able to determine the child was never in the car. Janylia’s aunt told police she was with the girl Sunday night through Monday morning.

Well. Um. Perhaps that changes things a little. But who among us hasn’t been on the wrong end of a bad case of the forgetfuls at least once? A little understanding goes a long way, you guys.

Pickett told investigators she told police her child was in the vehicle so it would be found faster.

Alright alright alright. You win, police department.

Columbus Police provides update on investigation into Monday morning's Amber Alert, missing girl report | LATEST INFO: https://bit.ly/2jLM9yA

Posted by 10TV – WBNS on Monday, January 30, 2017

Jessica Pickett has been charged with falsification in connection with the Amber Alert triggering incident. Daughter Janylia (whose last name is Fails so that should set her up well for the future when combined with mom’s judgment) and two other children were removed from her home and placed in protective custody.

They Plan To Throw The Book At Him

Out of pocket nearly $60,000 and facing some trouble with the law after his spring cleaning operation touched off a 700 acre wildfire is Brian Leon Sparks.

A 55-year-old Bryceville man cited by the state for illegally burning books and starting a wildfire that ended up scorching 705 acres in late March now has a $59,403.38 bill to settle for the personnel and machinery used to extinguish that blaze.

Brian Leon Sparks received the bill Monday from the Florida Department of Agriculture for “the amount we incurred in suppressing the fire,” according to its cover letter.
The invoiced bill is on top of a misdemeanor criminal citation for failure to obtain a department permit and reckless land burning after he started burning old paperbacks and clutter outside his Wills Lane home March 22, according to Forest Service officials. The flames got out of control, forcing evacuations, damaging eight homes and prompting a massive fire-suppression effort.

If We Add An Extra L He’ll Be Extra Good At It

I can only theorize that if you look at your newborn son and say to yourself “he looks like a Fellony,” either you already know you don’t like him or that you have insights about the future the rest of us don’t. And considering how things have been going for Fellony with two Ls Hudson, option two seems like a good place to put the smart money. Good call, mom and dad.

Gresham police said the incident began around 7:30 p.m. Tuesday when a caller reported seeing a man hit a woman in a vehicle that was driving recklessly northbound on C Street in Vancouver.
The witness told police the driver seemed high on drugs. The witness said the vehicle was a Dodge Caliber with Oregon license plates.
Police ran the licenses plate number and determined the vehicle was stolen out of Portland about a week ago.
A probable cause affidavit says a Vancouver police officer attempted to stop the vehicle by activating his overhead lights and sirens. Police said the vehicle slowed, but there appeared to be a physical struggle between the driver and the passenger before the vehicle continued driving.
Police reported in the document that the passenger opened the vehicle door and tried to jump from the moving vehicle four times.
The driver, later identified as Fellony Edward Hudson, would grab her, pull her toward him and close the door each time.
Police said this happened while Hudson drove at speeds of 50 to 80 miles per hour.
Authorities pursued the suspect Hudson onto Interstate 84.
When Gresham police joined the pursuit, there were already 10 vehicles pursuing the suspect in the car, police said.
Police said Hudson got out of the car on SE Stark Street and started running north. Officers caught up with him in the parking lot of the Weston Car Dealership and took him into custody.

All of that, according to the police department, is good for felony with one L charges of kidnapping, assault, possession of a stolen vehicle, attempt to elude by vehicle, reckless driving, DUII(driving under the influence of intoxicants), and attempt to elude on foot.

Hudson, who told police that the reason he didn’t stop was because the cops are “known to kill people,” was found by a drug recognition expert to be under the influence of both meth and heroin at the time. A surefire path toward continuing to live up to his birth certificate, that.

Our New Hole Smells

A hazMat team had to be called in when an odor was detected after a truck penetrated the wall of a building belonging to AnalTech, a company name I swear to you all I am 100 percent not making up.

Pick up into building. Route 72 at Blue Hen Drive. Haz Mat situation.

Posted by WDEL on Monday, May 22, 2017

As a result of the collision at the intersection of Route 72 and Blue Hen Drive at 6 a.m., a pick up truck plowed through the wall of a nearby building.
Officials entering the building detected an odor, and a representative explained the smell was coming from a lab. A lab inside AnalTech had been damaged, and hazmat teams were called in due to the chemicals used at the facility.

No one was seriously injured in the crash, but you don’t care about that because you’re wondering how and why in the hell a legitimate business came to be known as AnalTech. Thankfully, there is what almost passes for a good answer to this question.

AnalTech specializes in such products as bulk adsorbents, cyclographs and other accessories used in chromatography.

While AnalTech, a manufacturer of thin-layer chromatography plates, could not be reached for comment about the incident, they’ve been vocal in the past about the history of its company name. 

In an email sent to the Houston Chronicle, a spokesperson revealed, “In 1964, the company paid a marketing firm to come up with a different name. They said, ‘Well, you guys do Analytical Technology – why don’t you put the two words together and call it ‘AnalTech!’ ”
However, the spokesperson admitted that “AnalTech faces certain challenges because of the ‘juvenile’ humor that has developed in the past few decades and current web filters that may block the company name” and has considered rebranding as a result.

Juvenile humour? I’m offended! You don’t see me coming to your office and denigrating your chromatography abilities, do you? And no, that’s not just because I don’t know what any of it means.

You Can Cuff Me, But Only For Another $20

Yes, a 70-year-old massage lady did offer to take the nice officer to the full service pumps for an additional fee, but do not let that fact distract you from the best part of this, that being that it all went down (so to speak) at Jax Therapy.

Septuagenarian Sun Hee Gribat was collared Tuesday at Jax Therapy in Jacksonville. Police began probing the business after receiving reports that female employees performed sex acts on customers.
After an undercover detective paid Gribat $70 for a 30-minute rubdown, she led him to a massage room. During the massage, cops allege, Gribat allegedly “offered to masturbate the detective for additional $60.00.”

Trigger Warning

People shoot themselves this way with stunning regularity, but rarely are those people as aptly named as Jason Trigger.

Trigger, 35, was in a Dollar General store in Hudson when a handgun fell from his waistband, hit the floor and fired into his right ankle, according to Bay News 9.

He left before paramedics arrived and went to hospital, where he was taken into custody, according to WFLA.

The reason he was taken into custody is that beyond his lack of common sense dictating that he maybe shouldn’t have a gun, the law had already dictated that he absolutely wasn’t supposed to. Thanks to multiple arrests for crimes ranging from possession of cocaine, grand theft, resisting an officer and arson, he was a felon in possession of a firearm, which police were happy to add to his list.

Meet Scarface And His Owner Scartorso

There is so much about this story that makes me go “wow.” First, somebody had a pit bull and they named it Scarface. To me, this sounds like they think of him as kind of mean. Maybe picking the name was random, or he had a weird scar on his face for some innocent reason and they thought it would be funny, but it kind of sounds like they wanted him to be not the friendliest beast in the world.

Then one day, they decided to put a sweater on him. It did not go well at all.

According to WFTS, a pit bull mix named Scarface bit Brenda Guerrero when she tried to get the sweater on him. Scarface then attacked her husband, Ismael Guerrero, when he tried to pull him off of Brenda.

At this point, the Guerrero’s adult son, Antoine Harris, tried to come to the rescue by stabbing Scarface in the head with a knife. This only resulted in Harris getting attacked and all three people eventually ran into the house and left Scarface in the backyard.
Animal Control and police then showed up and found that they also had their hands full with Scarface, who was at this point appeared unstoppable.
“Officers responding said the dog was pretty aggressive,” Eddy Durkin with Tampa police said. “When they tazed the dog the dog was still pulling away and was able to release the prongs from the tazer.”
When Animal Control and Tampa Police arrived to the home, the dog was shot with a tranquilizer gun.

What on earth would make them think it’s a good idea to try and put a friggin sweater on their dog? I don’t know of a dog who likes that, unless maybe they’ve had it done since they were a puppy, but I don’t think that’s the case here.

More importantly, what would make them think it was a good idea to put a sweater on a great big pit bull? I know everybody who has pit bulls says they get a terrible reputation, but they’re really sweet dogs…and all that, but they named a pit bull Scarface. I still think when you get a big ol’ pit bull and call it Scarface, you don’t want a cutesy wootsy cuddly pet. You want an aggressive or at least protective animal. I know lots of protective animals wouldn’t try to chomp their owners, but I wonder about how much actual training these owners gave it.

This makes me think of all the people who haven’t a clue about the signals their pets are sending. I don’t know how many people I hear say “Oh, he’s just friendly, wanting to play,” while their dog is growling and snarling. The dog probably gave them all kinds of warnings before it bit them and they didn’t even notice.

And…come on now, they tried to put the dog in a damn sweater! I don’t want to see anyone get mangled, but I kind of feel sorry for the dog.