by Steve Wettlaufer -

The Hard Is Still On

Back in 2016, we learned of twice convicted public masturbator Anthony Hardison (yes, that’s still his real name) and his attempt to become thrice convicted public masturbator Anthony Hardison by doing what he does whilst registering as a sex offender. Unfortunately, it seems that as of last year, he’s still at it.

The latest alleged episode occurred April 9, when Hardison boarded a route 14 Metro bus in Seattle, according to King County Sheriff’s Office reports.

He reportedly moved to the back of the bus and stayed there until only one or two passengers remained. He then exposed his genitalia and masturbated in full view of the passengers and 39-year-old bus driver, court records say.

It took police until May 3rd to bring him in, at which point he was charged with the usual. Indecent exposure with sexual motivation.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Let’s Talk Dirty In…Finland?

I don’t remember exactly how the conversation came around to it, but at dinner last night Carin mentioned Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen’s fantastic name.

“Whenever I hear it,” she said, “all I can think of is Lets Talk Dirty In Hawaiian.”

This made me very angry, because she’s totally right and how did I not think of it first?

So yeah, there’s either hockey or John Prine ruined for all of us forever. Just try not thinking of one when you hear the other from now on. I dare you.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

All The World Juniors Analysis You Need

If there’s a more fun name to say in all of hockey right now than Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen, I haven’t heard it.

If Canada had to lose, at least it was to the eventual winner.

I can’t say that anyone who thinks that any of this is “anti-francophone racism” is wrong, but personally I’m not so sure that it’s people going out of their way to be anti-French as much as it’s just that people sometimes tend to suck in general. If you’re the sort that’s inclined to tell a child he should get AIDS and die, there’s likely more wrong with you than a possible distaste for Quebecers. I’ll go ahead and leave this here since I know Carin will just put it in the comments if I don’t. Seems to sum up the whole thing, I think.

Also, Ukko-Pekka Luukkonen.

Yup, still fun.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Yes I Named Her ABC, Please Stop Making Fun Of Me


There are two very obvious things to be said about this story.

  1. The behaviour of this agent was absolutely unprofessional and I hope the airline gives her a good tuning up. At no time is it ever appropriate to mock your customers publicly either in person or online.
  2. I understand the impulse to do it, because that’s one seriously goofy ass name. I would be shocked if this was the first time somebody laughed at it, and it certainly won’t be the last. Please, moms and dads, try not to name your children stupid things. Unless of course your goal is to keep the therapy industry in business, in which case, carry on.

Southwest Airlines apologized after a mother accused a gate agent of mocking her five-year-old daughter’s name and posting the child’s boarding pass on social media.
Traci Redford and her daughter Abcde, pronounced “Ab-city,” were catching a flight from California to Texas earlier this month. The mother said she had heard a gate agent laughing.
“The gate agent started laughing, pointing at me and my daughter, talking to other employees,” the mother told ABC7 News. “So I turned around and said, ‘Hey if I can hear you, my daughter can hear you, so I’d appreciate if you’d just stop.’”

Redford said the agent at John Wayne Airport posted of photo of Abcde’s boarding pass on social media, mocking her daughter’s name.
“While I was sitting there, she took a picture of my boarding pass and chose to post it on social media, mocking my daughter. It was actually brought to my attention by somebody who had seen it on Facebook and reported it to Southwest Airlines,” Redford told the news station.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

That’s Not How You’re Supposed To Roast Pumpkin Seeds

There’s a two for one sale in the appropriate names department today as the Atlanta Journal-Constitution assigned Steve Burns the story of Morgan Cook accidentally setting herself on fire.

By the way, 100 bonus points to anyone who can explain what this experiment was supposed to be demonstrating.

A Halloween experiment at a Gwinnett County high school last week went wrong, sending fire around a teacher’s face, Channel 2 Action News reported.
“We were just like confused,” Duluth High School student Condaleeza Waters said. “We didn’t know what to do.”

The experiment in Morgan Cook’s science class involved a ramp, a pumpkin and fire, the news station reported.
But something went wrong.
“When she lit it on fire, what happened is the whole entire ramp lit on fire, and the ramp just exploded,” student Eddie Kim said.
Paramedics responded to the school to offer aid, and a friend of Cook’s took her to the hospital. Bernard Watson, spokesman for Gwinnett County schools, said the teacher suffered “minor superficial injuries” and will be all right.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

What In The Actual Hell Is Going ON In Guelph These Days?

These are all items from Guelph police news releases, and all were published this summer. I’m not 100 percent positive that this is a complete list, but lord love a duck, there are certainly plenty of them as it is.

Obviously there were incidents here and there, but I can’t recall there being this sort of volume in such a short time during the years we lived there. What is happening? Did somebody slash the event budget? Are you aiming to change your slogan from Royal City to Oil City?

Good lord.

Update: The local CBC appears to have stolen my gimmick and begun compiling a list of its own. Theirs stretches back to March, so has a couple of items mine doesn’t.

Also, Mayor Guthrie is unimpressed.

“Guelph is known for our beautiful parks and green spaces — so people, whether they’re visiting our city or live here, they need to be able to enjoy them without any fear of this activity going on,” said Guthrie.

“Police are very aware of these incidents and are taking this very seriously,” said Guthrie. “Over the last couple of years, we’ve had some increased investments in enforcement — and I’m going to continue to support that.”

Guthrie adds mental health issues and drugs are most likely playing a part in this as well.
“Those can’t be full out excuses for what is happening, and for the younger people performing any ‘acts’ as a ‘prank’ . . . it’s not a prank, it’s disgusting. My message for them? Find a different hobby, or get a job.”

“As I said, there is also a part of this which is mental health issues – so we do need to have some further support from the provincial government for all municipalities. We need to make sure people are aware there are drug issues involved in this too – but these aren’t way of ‘explaining out’ the situation, or using it as an excuse.”
He adds as much as we need to be aware of these issues, we also need to acknowledge that Guelph is a great place to live.
“It is going to take our whole community coming together to not be fearful of this issue. Go out, enjoy our parks — but at the same time, be vigilant and call the authorities if you see anything out of place.”

Update two: The naked meditator has spoken. He is 29-year-old Peter Holm, and he definitely sounds like he’s gonna fit right in with some of the locals I met during my Guelph days.

“I’m not a pervert,” said Holm.

“My intention was to be my true, authentic self. We are all born pure and beautiful,” Holm said in an interview with GuelphToday.
He believes nudity is a natural and healthy state, even in public.
He fully understands what he did was against the law, but feels the law is wrong. Basically, he was making a point.
“I want society to legally recognize my right to express my self and body as I choose …. am I really actually doing harm?
“I wanted to show that just because I chose to be naked doesn’t mean I’m a criminal, bad person or am going to hurt someone.”
He said he knew he was going to get in trouble when he decided to go for a walk that day and then sit under a tree nude while meditating.

Holm said if people are upset by his nudity, “that’s more on them.”
He was asked if a park with a children’s playground might have been the wrong place to make his point. Or if the recent public masturbation reports might have created a situation where people might be a little upset at the sight of a naked man in a public park.

He answered that he felt the time and place were appropriate given that he was trying to make a point.
“I think it was great timing, all these emotions were activated,” he said.
“I want it to be recognized, that I have a right to recognize my body as I choose.”
Holm said two families arrived at the park shortly after he began meditating in the nude.
Holm said he was yelled at, then two “furious” men came over and kicked and hit him while he was sitting on the ground. He has bruises on his body and scratches on his back but did not go to hospital.
“I knew this was going to happen and I’m ready to accept what was going to happen,” Holm said.
Asked if he planned to continue to meditate nude in city parks, Holm said that for now there might not be too much public nudity.
“It was an incident. An event. I’ll let that percolate.”

He also said that he planned to plead not guilty to the charge of causing a disturbance that was filed against him when he was arrested on August 12th. that court appearance is set for September 18th.

Police have also confirmed that Holm has filed an assault complaint against the fellas who felt it necessary to make a point of their own and say they’re looking into it.

Final update:

This ended up being number ten on Guelph Today’s list of the top ten stories of the year. I’ll refrain from making any sort of rising up the charts joke. Hopefully I can also refrain from making a new list for 2019.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

It’s One, Two Hit-And-Runs And You’re Out AT The Old Ball Game

We live in a world where not everything is just and not everyone gets justice. But many times there is justice, even if sometimes that justice takes half a century and is kind of cold-hearted and weird.

In 1968, Douglas Parkhurst killed 4-year-old Carolee Ashby in a hit-and-run, or at least he’s pretty sure he did. He was drunk at the time, he said in a confession he wrote once he knew he could no longer be prosecuted for it.

Now, 50 years later, this has happened.

A Vietnam War veteran who confessed five years ago to killing a 4-year-old girl in a 1968 hit-and-run was trying to protect children when a woman drove her car onto a little league baseball field in Maine during a game, striking and killing him. Screaming bystanders and ballplayers fled as Carol Sharrow, of Sanford, drove through an open gate onto the field Friday night, police said.
Video shows the car driving around the infield, turning over home plate and then heading toward the stands behind third base.
Douglas Parkhurst, of West Newfield, was near the park’s main gate before he was hit and Sharrow sped away, police said. Parkhurst, who a coach said was the grandfather of one of the players, died on the way to the hospital. No one else was hurt.

The woman, whose name I will point out is only a couple of E’s away from making this even stranger, has been convicted twice in the past for drunk driving. Police wouldn’t confirm whether she was in similar condition at the time of the incident, but it seems hard to blame anyone who would be inclined to think so.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Might Be Time To Look Into Changing Your Name To Sober Upman

Given that she’s been arrested at least 15 times, I’m surprised that neither of us caught Crystal Methvin before now.

Police say they responded to a parking lot on South Dixie Highway and found three people sitting in a car. The people in the car consented to a search and police say they found drug paraphernalia and a substance that field tested positive for crystal meth.
Crystal Methvin and Douglas Nickerson were arrested on drug possession charges.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Control That Gun, Shooter!

Why wouldn’t the sexual harassment accusations against a man named Don Shooter involve him comparing his dong to a shooter? It’s just common sense, really.

Shooter’s first and most prominent accuser was state Rep. Michelle Ugenti-Rita, a fellow Republican.
According to the Arizona Republic, Ugenti-Rita said Shooter sought a romantic relationship with her on several occasions, continuing to make advances even after she said it was wrong.

“There was an incident where he came to my office during the day and asked about my chest,” Ugenti-Rita told 3TV. “At a conference, he came to my room uninvited with a six-pack of beer. I never answered the door.”
Both Shooter and Ugenti-Rita are married. Neither responded to messages from The Washington Post on Wednesday morning seeking comment.

Meanwhile, other women and one man came forward, saying Shooter’s statements and actions had crossed the line.
A Democratic lobbyist said Shooter put his hand on her knee during a meeting at a Phoenix restaurant. Shortly after joining the legislature, a Democratic representative from Tempe said Shooter told her she “would be a nice view to look at.” Another representative said she was uncomfortable when Shooter “repeatedly referred to his male genitalia as a gun.”