He Sees You When You’re Sleeping, He Knows When You’re Awake, But He Didn’t See That Light Pole, So His Leg Now Has A Break

If Santa has a harder time than usual getting down your chimney this Christmas, this might be why.

Gerard Krokus, an experienced skydiver, was helping Santa deliver the Elf named Kristoff to a nine-year-old girl while flying in toys to the Beach Bums Operation Santa Charity Volleyball Tournament on Saturday. 
In the video you can see Krokus with a parachute above him coming in to deliver the toys, before his speed picks up and he crashes into a tree and a light pole near the sand volleyball courts.

the pole gave him a broken leg for Christmas, but it apparently didn’t stop him from taking a few pictures before heading to the hospital to get it fixed.

There is a GoFundMe to help pay his medical bills, since I guess the North Pole hasn’t gotten around to figuring out the whole universal healthcare thing just yet.

I Remember The Time My Service Dog Chased A Cat, Let The Memory Never Live Again!

When I think of all the concerts, plays and things I have gone to with Trix and Tans over the years, I am very thankful that neither of them has ever taken it into their heads to chase down one of the characters, like happened in this story.

A dog ran amok at Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats” this week.
Spies at the Neil Simon Theatre tell us an audience member’s service dog “got away from its owner and ran after [the character] Bombalurina, performed by actress Mackenzie Warren, during the opening number.”
Luckily, a fast-moving usher “intervened and returned the wayward canine to its mortified owner.”

Mortified would be an apt description. I think I would want the floor to open up and swallow me!

I think the closest we came to causing mayhem was when I took Tansy to her first show. I don’t think she was used to such a huge crowd, and tried to leap on a passer-by. That was embarrassing enough, and thankfully has never happened again.

I could be in for trouble. This Saturday night, we’re going to see Handel’s Messiah because a couple of our friends are singing in it. I hope Tans doesn’t get it in her head that she should go visit them!

There’s A Body Scanner? What A Bummer

This, essentially, is your standard, garden variety get yourself arrested so that you can smuggle things to a buddy on the inside via your inside story, and I wouldn’t even be posting it were it not for some of the items in question. Marijuana? Fine. Tobacco? Ok. A couple of knives? Woe woe woe hang on a second!

But Piper hadn’t anticipated the body scanner, standard procedure for new inmates. He refused to be scanned.
Suspecting Piper had contraband in his body, staff took him to a segregation cell with no running water so nothing could be flushed.
At the same time, Piper demanded to be put in a cell with his sister’s boyfriend. Guards declined. “It’s not a hotel room,” Nolan said.

Later, a guard saw Piper holding something and confronted him. He dropped a three-inch ceramic knife.
That’s when he confessed that he intentionally got arrested so he could bring contraband to his sister’s boyfriend. He said his sister told him her boyfriend would electronically transfer $2,000. He now agreed to be scanned.
“The body scan revealed Mr. Piper still had contraband in his body,” Nolan said. “He was placed in a cell and directed to produce the contents.”
He produced the contraband, including packets of pot that weighed a total of 71 grams.

I realize that it’s sort of a no-win situation an that the kind of person who agrees to potentially stab additional holes in his ass for 2 grand probably isn’t the clearest thinker, but when presented with the choice of the body scanner or the certain doom of your operation because you’re being weird about the body scanner, wouldn’t it make more sense to take your chances with the body scanner? No automated security procedure is absolutely perfect, so it’s possible that it might fail to detect the payload. If it does, you’re golden. Or maybe you’re brown. Whichever colour you prefer, you’ve got it made once you figure out how to get your cargo from you to your customer. And even if the scanner does nab you, at least you gave it your best try and can be proud that you were cool under pressure. immense, gut busting pressure.

Do You Have My Steak Today?

You know what’s sad? News has gotten so weird that this story of a customer pulling a gun on a McDonald’s employee because they wouldn’t serve him a steak bagel at 3 in the morning probably wouldn’t have caught my eye. As scary as I’m sure it was for the girl working that night, nothing happened, thank goodness, except the poor girl found out how far some jerks will go for a stupid steak bagel. He pulled a gun, cursed at her and drove off. It wouldn’t have twigged me, except it reminded me of another disagreement over a McDonald’s bagel that I personally witnessed. Thankfully, this one didn’t involve guns and wasn’t a real disagreement, but for a second, I thought maybe some of the other customers might have turned it into a real fight.

I can’t remember if Steve has written about the antics that he and his buddy Greg used to do when they were younger, but some of it involved messing with people at drivethroughs. They didn’t do anything harmful, they would just ask for weird things like peanut butter sandwiches or try to ask the workers trivia questions or stuff like that. Well, one night when I was hanging out with them, Greg decided to ask for a breakfast bagel in the evening. The girl was nice, but said they couldn’t give him one. He pretended to be all disappointed, saying that he works during the time they served them, and really wanted one. When she said they didn’t have any, he wondered where they would get them from for the morning. When she said they had the materials but they were frozen, Greg said that was fine, he would warm it up. They went back and forth a little more, and then suddenly, from the car behind us we heard someone yell “She said no, stupid! Move it!” I was sure we were going to become the victim of road rage. Thankfully, nothing happened, Greg gave up the joke and moved on, but I was freaked out for a while.

Getting back to the story, I can’t imagine a steak bagel being so good that not being able to get one would be worth pulling a gun and getting a criminal charge over it. Sheesh, chill out, man!

And A Huge Interception By The Local Constabulary

The Grey Cup is fantastic. It’s a big, fun, important Canadian event that many of us will stop what we’re doing to watch. But that’s not always the best idea. Sometimes you really should finish off whatever you’re up to before you settle in to enjoy the game. Like let’s say you’re in the midst of robbing the city and driving around in one of its trucks. That is not at all a good time to take a beer and football break.

“What do you know, Steve? You’ve never stolen anything. Who are you to tell us how to structure our day?”

Fine. You’ve got me there. But I have a feeling there might be a couple of guys who will encourage you to trust me on this one.

Police say officers were called about a break and enter at the Glanbrook Township Roads department at 2111 Binbrook Rd. around 7:30 p.m. The two men smashed out a window and stole tools from the stockroom, police said in a news release, and then took off in a stolen City of Hamilton truck.
Police then tracked down the vehicle at the Checkered Flag Bar and Grill in Mount Hope. Officers went inside and found the two men — one of whom had the keys to the truck inside his pocket, police say.
“They just went inside and watched the game,” said Const. Lorraine Edwards.

The pair has been charged with breaking and entering, possession of burglary tools and possession of stolen property worth over $5,000. It is not known whether the next set of bars they visited was showing the game.

Film Him Right In The Pokey

Listen, guys. You know how some of you enjoy yelling “fuck her right in the pussy” at female news reporters in the hopes that you’ll get on TV and impress all your buddies and maybe even become internet famous for 30 or 40 seconds or whatever the fuck? It’s not funny. Ever. It is, as has been pointed out many times, sexual harassment. Also, it is just plain dumb. If you do it, you are dumb. You may not be quite as dumb as the gentleman who did it outside of a police station during an interview with a police officer, but you are still dumb. Dumb enough that I’ll bet right now you are killing whatever brain cells are somehow managing to keep you alive as you slap your forehead in frustration because you didn’t think of being that dumb first.

Hamilton police have arrested a man for causing a disturbance after a CHCH news reporter was sexually harassed on the job for the third time this week.
Reporter Britt Dixon was interviewing an officer outside the Hamilton police central station Friday when a truck drove by with its windows down and a person yelled, “f– k her right in the p—y.”
“I was like what? Again? In front of a police officer?” Dixon said.
The truck parked outside the station and the officer went over to it, Dixon said. When the man who yelled at her walked by to go into the station, she said he asked him why he did it, to which he replied “because everyone in the States does it.”

The man who yelled at Dixon outside the station is in custody, Const. Jerome Stewart said Friday evening.
“The Hamilton Police Service will continue to investigate this incident,” he said.

For some reason, Dixon decided not to press charges, but since the incident was witnessed by police, they were pressed anyway. The man’s name was not released, but he is believed to be 24-year-old Dummy Dumbledunce of Maryland, which is a slightly less dumb place since he left.

And Trix Adds Another Data Point

You know what’s funny? For years, I commented on Trixie’s grey hair and worried about her being stressed. People laughed and said stress and grey hair in dogs aren’t related. They may have been wrong.

It appears that dogs who show anxiety around strange people and situations or have a fear of loud noises, among other things, are more likely to start going grey around the muzzle earlier.

Trix was always a bit anxious about what she was supposed to do, and really seemed to get sad if she thought she did something wrong. My mom remembers this one route we took where we walked the route, and for my benefit, we did it again to see if it was better to come at it from the other side of the street. Until we crossed over to the other side, Trix looked so sad and moped along. She was sure she had done something wrong and we were reworking the route, and couldn’t be convinced otherwise until we went in another direction.

Anyone who has read here for any length of time is well-acquainted with Trix’s fear of loud noises. We were made very aware early on that she was not a fan of thunder and fireworks, or thunderworks.

As she got older she definitely was afraid of most dogs. It broke my heart when she wouldn’t play with dogs she didn’t know. I know Mylo had a lot to do with that, but it still made me sad.

Also, she put up with them, but I don’t think she was a fan of strange situations either. Every trip we took caused her to have, well, rather squishy poop. She did her best to cope with these trips, but it didn’t thrill her.

And Trix went grey very early on. Trix, again, I’m sorry if guiding was too stressful. At least now, the reason for your greying fur is because you’re pretty old for a labby.

“Stop! Police!” They Said In Unison

At this time, let us pause and show our appreciation for the police of Detroit, Michigan. A more dedicated, diligent and well organized group of men and women you shall never find. They will, without hesitation, go to any lengths necessary to remove criminals and the horrible, life-ruining wares they peddle from the streets of their fair city. Indeed, they will stop at nothing to ensure that their job is done and done well, even if it means damn near killing each other.

Police from the department’s 11th precinct had planned to conduct the raid of house in their region on Nov. 8 that was suspected of being used to sell drugs.
Unaware of an undercover operation carried out in the home by 12th precinct cops, the armed officers conducting the raid moved in.
The uniformed officers confronted a pair of men a few doors down from the home at the centre of the raid. Those men, who were actually undercover police from the 12th precinct, were forced to the ground and a shotgun was pointed at them.

That’s when police acted on their search warrant and raided the home, confronting several officers inside the home.
The video captured several officer pushing and shoving. “Don’t put your hand on your guns,” one officer can be heard saying on the video.
“At one point during this situation, one officer grabbed another,” Chief Craig said, adding that’s when punches began to fly.

Unlike in 1986 A.K.A. the last time this happened, nobody was killed. the worst to come out of this incident was one officer with a black eye, another with some damage to his mouth, a reassigned supervisor and a seriously wounded reputation.

“This is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ve seen in this department,” Chief James Craig said during a news conference. “In fact, it’s probably one of the most disappointing things I’ve experienced in my entire 40-year career.”

Is it me, or do those probablies make you wonder what else he’s seen that may not have come out yet?

At Least His Backpack Was Bright

When you bring a change of clothes with you to an armed robbery, that’s called thinking ahead. when you bring a Pokemon backpack with you to an armed robbery, that’s called dumb. And weird. Definitely weird. Like seriously, you’re a grown-up, man. What the shit?

Funzail Woods was arrested after using an ax as a weapon at the Target store on Piedmont Road in Buckhead, according to police. Investigators said the man walked over to the electronics section

“Where he took a cell phone out of a package and proceeded to put it in his pocket. When he was approached by the manager, he actually presented an ax. The manager, of course, backed off,” said Officer Lisa Bender, Atlanta Police Department.

Woods then ran out the store. The 911 alert went out to Zone 2 officers. By then, Woods had changed his shirt.

“But he didn’t change his backpack. So, I think that’s what got him,” said Officer Bender. “The man took off running when he saw police. And he did have a Pokémon backpack, so those are normally a bright color and typically easy to spot.”

Hang On, Man. I’m About To Catch A Train


If I live another hundred years, I will still never understand how it is that a person can get himself so distracted that he fails to notice something the size of, the sound of and the feel of a fucking train.

People often try when we publish one of these stories, but there is literally no way to make a valid excuse for this. I don’t want to hear later that he doesn’t see well or that he doesn’t hear well. That only makes things worse because when you’re at a disadvantage, you need to use everything you do have to its fullest. And besides, it’s a train. They should be impossible to miss. Pay the fuck attention. It’s not rocket science. Its not even engineering. Yes, I did that on purpose. You may have even chuckled at it, assuming you weren’t distracted by something shiny.

The man was riding his bike east on a West Steele Lane sidewalk as the southbound train approached, lowering the gate at the rail crossing and activating warning bells and lights, said Lynnette Cowsert, who witnessed the 3:55 p.m. accident.

“The (gates) were down, and I thought he was going to stop,” said Cowsert, who was stopped at the crossing. “Ding, ding, ding, and I hear the train. And the next thing I see is him rolling under the train, and his bicycle is under the front of the train.”
The man was wearing earphones and talking on his cellphone, and apparently did not notice the oncoming train or the lowered gates, police said in a statement. He was thrown 20 to 30 feet across West Steele Lane, police said. His bicycle was lodged under the right front train wheel.
Cowsert said the cyclist did not appear to be wearing a helmet.

Of course he wasn’t, not that it would have been covering anything of much value.

The unidentified 19-year-old was taken to hospital with injuries that were described as “not immediately life-threatening,” which I believe means “keep it up, idiot” in we have to be as nice as possible while writing this statement language.