Category: news

Apr 15 2014

I’m Torchin’ It

They’re not a Dairy Queen Blizzard, but McFlurries are perfectly good. Whoever came up with the idea for the Easter Creme Egg one in particular is an overlooked genius. But are they good enough that it’s worth setting a guy’s car on fire when he refuses to buy you one? Considering that I ended that last sentence with a link, you’ve probably figured out that the answer is a resounding yes.

Witnesses said the woman was angry after she asked for a McFlurry and the man she was with refused to buy her one.

They said the woman grabbed the man’s keys and headed to his car.

One witness said she saw her pour alcohol and gasoline on the man’s car, light it on fire, and then run off.

People nearby tried to help him put the flames out.

A witness said the woman ran through a nearby parking lot, and was never seen again.

According to police, once the fire was out, the victim drove off. You know, as if this sort of thing happens all the time. Then again we’re in Florida, so maybe it does.

Apr 11 2014

I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore

What a way for 30 years on the run to come to an end.

Today, Smith conducted a traffic stop on a vehicle registered to Gary Dixon. The driver identified himself to Smith as Gary Dixon.

James Dixon has twin brothers, Gary and Larry Dixon, and officials suspected that James Dixon used at least one of his brother’s identities in the past.

While “Gary” was speaking with other deputies on scene, Smith called out “Hey, James.”

“Gary” quickly turned his head and looked at Smith to see what he wanted.

James Dixon put his head down knowing he had given himself away, detectives said. He then confessed his true identity.

Apr 09 2014

We All Scream For Ice Cream, But Not Everyone Busts Up A McDonald’s While Nearly Naked First

You’re going to click this link, and you’re going to start asking questions. “Why in the name of god would you bust up a McDonald’s for no reason,” you may wonder. “And what ever would possess you to stick around and eat ice cream directly from the machine afterwards?”

You could take the easy way out, answer substances and perhaps be correct, but allow me to take the even easier way out. Florida.

A Florida woman wearing nothing but a thong rampaged through a St. Petersburg McDonald’s Monday, banging her head on the counter and then attempting to take apart the kitchen with her bare hands. Eventually, she chilled out by eating soft-serve straight out of the machine.

Why yes, there is a video. I’m glad you asked. It’s shot after the fact and is employees reacting to the security footage, but it’ll work.

Apr 02 2014

No Sir, The Announcement Said Children Flying Alone Can Get Help On The Plane, Not Help You Get Off On The Plane

Ok seriously now, what’s the deal with guys groping women on planes? Is it some sort of perceived vulnerability thing? A sense that your victim can’t get away and that fuck it, they can’t arrest me in the sky so I might as well go for it? Whatever the reason it seems like it happens a lot, and it’s just happened again.

According to an FBI affidavit, Hans Loudermilk and the victim were traveling from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City, Utah, a 90-minute flight. After boarding the plane, Loudermilk stood in the aisle and asked the girl if she would move to the middle seat in their row. The teen, identified as “KD” in the affidavit, complied with Loudermilk’s request, reported FBI Agent Daniel Horan.

Following departure, the pair engaged in conversation that “started off just social, however turned sexual in nature,” Horan stated.

About 25 minutes before landing, Loudermilk allegedly told “KD” that he could “teach her things sexually that boys her age could not.” He added that she “should drive with him and that in the State of Utah he could marry her at her current age.”

As they spoke, Loudermilk moved closer to the girl and started touching her chin. “This touching progressed to rubbing KD’s leg and upper thigh,” reported Moran, who added that the girl “got extremely nervous and wanted this to end.”

The girl, who according to the report was traveling alone, tracked down a TSA agent as soon as the flight landed and reported the incident.

Noticing the conversation, Loudermilk decided to go the master of disguise route, hitting the airport gift shop and replacing the tan shirt he’d been wearing with a black jacket in an attempt to throw the authorities off his trail. It didn’t work, and for now his trail has ended in a jail cell, held without bail in advance of an April 10th court date where he’ll answer 2 felony charges of sexual abuse of a minor on an aircraft. Can’t say I’m clear on where the second count comes from since this all sounds like one assault to me, but I guess that’s for the justice system to sort out.

Apr 02 2014

What Do They Call The Yoga Pose Where You Rant, Rave, Juggle Your Dice And Throw Dead Animals At Cars?

I’m not sure alcohol is it, but I’m willing to bet some substance or other was a factor in the case of Bill Kachle here.

Bill Kachle, 68, was arrested last month after Jared Tyng, a United States Park Police officer, responded to a complaint about a “disorderly male subject” along the Mount Vernon Trail in northern Virginia.

Two female witnesses pointed Tyng in the direction of Kachle, a Washington, D.C. resident who was “holding a yoga pose” nearby. The women said that they were walking along a bike trail when Kachle–who was waving his arms and “shouting odd statements”–dropped his pants and began masturbating.

“Thereafter, the subject then picked up a dead animal, ran into the northbound lanes of travel on the George Washington Memorial Parkway and threw the dead animal at a passing car,” according to a U.S. District Court complaint.

What those odd statements were and what the dead animal was remain mysteries, but what we do know is what you’re supposed to do after you’ve yelled, beaten off in a park and thrown dead things at vehicles. The answer, of course, is go back to your spot on the trail, point at your witnesses and start going to town on yourself again.

Kachle was arrested and charged with obscenity and disorderly conduct.

Apr 02 2014

Fluffing…Airing Out…What Is It, Your Dong Or A Pillow?

I just learned something. Apparently it’s possible to fluff your genitals. I don’t know how this works for girls, but it looks to go ok for creepy guys on the street at least until the part where they get arrested.

A woman told Martin County Sheriff’s deputies Nov. 5 she saw a man identified as William Gibson, 50, in front of a store on Jensen Beach Boulevard with his jeans around his knees. Gibson reached in his undies and fondled his genitals.

“(H)e then removed his hand from his underwear (and) smelled his fingers,” records state.

Meanwhile, after the sniffing, a witness statement gives this account of what happened: “Then he jiggled his underware (sic) in the back, as to maybe be hiding something in there. Then all of a sudden he just pulled down the front of his underware (sic), to expose his genitals, fluffing them.”

Following the fluffing, Gibson pulled up his underwear and jeans. He walked away and “repeated the above action.”

Gibson told a deputy he was “airing out” his penis.

Well…at least he had an anser, I suppose. That’s better than some of these folks.

He was charged with a felony count of lewd or lascivious exhibition in the presence of elderly, a charge I don’t believe I’ve heard of before. So hey, I guess I’ve learned 2 things today.

Apr 01 2014

If I’m Going To Be Out Walking The Streets, I’ll Be Needing Some Shoes

So, Christopher M. Miller. After a long 15 years in the slammer for robbing a shoe store with a box cutter, you’re finally free. What are you going to do now?

Think I’m gonna head back there and rob it again, but without a weapon this time.

When Christopher M. Miller woke up Friday morning, he was on the verge of being freed from South Woods State Prison in Bridgeton. A little more than 24 hours later, he returned to the scene of his crime — the Stride Rite shoe store on Hooper Avenue in Toms River — and demanded cash from the store’s two employees, police said.

Miller took the cash register containing $389 but the workers refused his demand to turn over their car keys, authorities said. Instead, Miller took cellphones belonging to a 17-year-old boy and a 43-year-old woman before fleeing on foot.

Police tracked Miller down on a nearby street, and also managed to recover the phones and cash from their hiding places.

You can probably guess the next place to which he returned. At last word he was being held there on $100,000 bail.

Mar 26 2014

Behold The Samurai Sword Of Soft Justice

Remember that time the British cop tased a blind guy because he thought his white cane was a samurai sword? Well, the wheels of justice have turned as the wheels of justice do, and the hammer of harsh punishment has been swung squarely in the direction of the officer in question. As such, it has been so ordered that PC Stuart Wright offer victim Colin Farmer a sincere pat on the back and a sorry ’bout that, lil buddy at a time and location yet to be determined.

In a statement, Lancashire constabulary said: “The officer was dealt with under stage 3 of the Police (Performance) Regulations 2008 for gross incompetence by a panel made up of Assistant Chief Constable Tim Jacques, Chief Supt Richard Goodenough-Bayly and Mr Ashley Judd, the constabulary’s head of human resources.

“The panel found that the officer failed to perform his duties to a satisfactory standard on October 12, 2012, though his actions did not amount to gross incompetence.

“The officer will be issued with a written improvement notice and be required to demonstrate specific performance improvements over a set timescale. Additionally, the officer has expressed considerable regret over this incident and arrangements will be made for him to offer a personal apology to Mr Farmer.”

Jacques added: “First and foremost I would like to sincerely apologise to Farmer on behalf of the constabulary for what happened that evening and the resulting distress and anxiety he undoubtedly suffered.

“The officer made a dreadful mistake when he discharged his Taser, but was acting on a reasonable and honestly held belief that his actions were necessary to protect the public. The officer did not perform his duties to a satisfactory standard but we did not feel that this amounted to gross incompetence.

“In addition to the findings relating to the individual officer, this investigation has raised a number of issues for the constabulary to consider including the training given to officers carrying Taser.”

A written improvement notice? Well, that changes everything.

Seriously, I hope Farmer still decides to sue the bejesus out of everyone in sight. The department needs to realize that rather than reviewing the training you give to the folks you’re unleashing on the public with weapons after something has gone wrong, you really ought to be doing that before it gets the chance.

Mar 19 2014

You Want To Meet Mickey Mouse, Don’t You? Well Then, You Have Cancer

Pretending you have cancer in order to gain money/attention/sympathy/all of the above for yourself is pretty well beyond awful, but there’s got to be a special place in whatever passes for hell for somebody who fakes it on behalf of her small child.

A Colorado woman who allegedly convinced her young son he had cancer is accused of scamming more than $25,000 out of her family and the local community.

Sandy Nguyen, 28, was arrested Thursday. She allegedly told her 6-year-old son — along with the community — that he was diagnosed with cancer in September, 2012, 9 News reports.

Money collected by Nguyen through school fundraisers and other donations was used to finance a trip to Disneyland.

She’s now facing one felony count each of theft and criminal impersonation.

And it’s not just her. Apparently this is becoming a bit of a thing.

Just last year there were two other reported cases of mothers who convinced their children they had cancer.

In August of last year, 31-year-old Emily Creno allegedly told her 4-year-old son he was going to die, and subjected him to numerous, unnecessary medical tests in the hoax.

In September of last year, 32-year-old mother of seven, Stephanie Weddle, was accused of scamming $2,000 in donations after telling people her child was dying of cancer. She is accused of using the money for minor purchases, including buying gas for her car.

Mar 19 2014

To Make Whole, Or Not To Make Whole, Here, Have Thousands Of Text Messages

I don’t spend a lot of time using online auctions or classifieds sites, so haven’t yet had the experience of being ripped off by some dick who fails to come through with what I paid him for. But if ever that day should come, I hope I’m as creative with my revenge as Edd Joseph.

Joseph bought a PS3 and some games from a seller on Gumtree via a direct bank transfer which seriously isn’t all that bright and is even against the site’s terms and conditions, as it happens. So with the company not protecting him and the police proving to be basically useless, he turned to William Shakespeare and all those words he wrote back in the day.

Edd discovered he could copy the words from the internet and paste them into a text message – without costing him a penny on his unlimited mobile phone package.

He sends it as one text but his victim can only receive them in 160 character chunks – meaning the 37 works of Shakespeare will buzz through in 29,305 individual texts.

So far Edd has sent 22 plays including Hamlet, Macbeth and Othello which have been delivered in 17,424 texts.

He reckons the remaining 15 works will take another few days to send – meaning his adversary’s phone will have been constantly beeping for nearly a week.


And how’s it all been working out?

Edd has now started getting abusive replies from the seller.

He said: “I got the first reply after an hour, and then a few more abusive messages after that. His phone must have been going off pretty constantly for hours.

“But recently he has taken to calling me and giving me abuse on the phone. I tried to ask him if he was enjoying the plays, but he was very confused.

“I’m going to keep doing it. If nothing else I’m sharing a little bit of culture with someone who probably doesn’t have much experience of it.

“I’m not a literary student, and I’m not an avid fan of Shakespeare but I’ve got a new appreciation you could say – especially for the long ones.”

Alibi3col theme by Themocracy

© 2003-2014 vomit comet All Rights Reserved.