Category: news

The Great Non-Robbery Robbery That Was A Robbery But Wasn’t Or At Least Shouldn’t Be, You Know What I Mean?

Dominyk Alfonseca definitely handed a bank teller a robbery note. She definitely put money on the counter for him. He was definitely arrested with a bag full of cash. We know these things are definites because he posted photos and videos on his Instagram of all but one of those things happening and admits to that last one in an interview. Yet in spite of all this, a robbery was definitely not committed, he says. This is because…um…you know what, I’m letting him explain it, because dude be crazy.

“For real, I didn’t even do it for money, you understand? I didn’t do that for money. I knew my page would get exposure,” explained Dominyk Alfonseca as he sat in the Virginia Beach Correctional Center Wednesday.

“No threats in it. If you see me in the video or whatever like that, I have a shirt on — no weapon, no mask — and she passes me the money,” said Alfonseca. “I don’t want to get her in trouble. Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she made a mistake, and I didn’t make a mistake.”
Alfonseca, who drifted off topic several times during the interview, said he hoped by posting the items to Instagram, he would get the attention of certain people, some of whom had stolen ideas from him during the course of several years. Exactly what he hoped to accomplish once he had their attention, he wouldn’t specify.

No one who had stolen ideas from him could be reached for comment, as all of the mental institutions and cemeteries in the area have strict no interviews policies.

But anyway, that doesn’t matter. What’s truly important is that if there are any criminals here, they’re not him. They’re the ones who took him down, man.

“‘Get down! Get down in the dirt!'” Alfonseca recalled were one officer’s words to him. “I was like, ‘All right. Cool.’ So, I got down.”
Alfonseca added, “For real, I felt like I got robbed, ’cause they gave me the money. Then, the police robbed my brain,” he stated.

That’s what you’d call a negative cash flow robbery, I suspect.

Now that he’s in jail, how does he feel about his chances of going free?

As far as the crime for which he is charged, Alfonseca said, “Everything is relative, you know what I mean? It’s however you want to take it. I’m telling you why I did what I did, you know what I mean? But if justice is served in that thing, then I think justice shall be served all around.”

You know what? I’m not even going to pretend I know what he means. What I will do, however, is refer back to the issue of This Is True where I read about him initially for his entirely more lucid yet still completely nonsensical theory on why no court would convict him.

“I posted the video on my Instagram,” he said. “I videotaped it. If it was a robbery, I don’t think I would videotape it, post the picture of the letter and do that all to come to jail.”

Yes, the old “Who could possibly be that stupid?” defense.

True also does those of us who can’t see the image of his note the solid of describing it.

“I need 150,000 [dollars] right NOW!!” the note started. “Please.” A couple places on the notes even included smiley emoticons.

Well hey. If they’re not biting on the she gave me money because she wanted to theory, why not take a stab at at least I was nice about it, I suppose.

Next Time At Least Take A Stab At A Better Hideout

If I were Jared Hudson and I’d just had an argument with my dad that ended when I stabbed him multiple times in the head with a screwdriver, running and hiding would most likely be my idea too. But of all the places I might go, I’d not have thought of one of the washrooms down at police headquarters. Way ahead of me on that one, Jared.

Osborn said when officers arrived Hudson had run off. The older man “was covered with blood and told us his son stabbed him” during an argument, he said.
The village’s canine led officers to a yellow-handled screwdriver near the railroad tracks behind the house, Osborn said.
Officer Laila Bratton, working the communications desk, then called to say she saw a man fitting the description going into the public bathroom at headquarters, Osborn said. Detectives Craig Long and Ann Cawley took Hudson into custody.

He was charged with second-degree assault and criminal possession of a weapon. Bail was set at $250. Dad was taken to hospital for treatment and later released.

Goodbye Strange One

Now and then I’ll come across something in the news that pretty much defies explanation. And if Christian Radecki is being honest about his lack of substance ingestion or a mental health condition (there’s nothing official so far to indicate that he isn’t), I’m pretty certain this is one of those times.

The 44-year-old Floridian (of course he is) came to the attention of police because that’s what happens when you’re caught on surveillance video plowing your car into the back of a marked Sheriff’s Office vehicle, dancing on top of said vehicle while songs by Hall & Oates and Supertramp play on your own car’s radio and then breaking the windshield wipers and steeling some guy’s American flag when dance time is over.

And if that’s not weird enough for you, get a load of why he says he did it.

According to a Cape Coral Police report, Radecki said it all began when a “woman with fangs” came to his door, threatening that a human sacrifice was about to occur involving vampires.  “Therefore, Radecki made the conscious decision to get the Sheriff of Nottingham to help him stop the slaughter of small children,” the report states.

Just in case you’re thinking that maybe this could somehow still make sense, the answer to your question is no, it was not Halloween. It was April.

After being taken to a local hospital for a mental evaluation, Redecki, already a convicted sex offender, was jailed on charges of disturbing the peace and criminal mischief.

Call The Cops And I’ll Kill You! No Way. You’ll Just Back Out Like You Always Do, You Jerk

I’ve lost count of how many times some fool has called the cops to straighten out a less than desirable drug transaction and I can even recall a prostitution deal or two going wrong over the years with similar results. But a customer and his hired hitman both calling the police to settle the monetary dispute sparked by the hitman not killing his customer’s daughter’s boyfriend as he was damn well paid to do? That’s different. It’s also a thing that really did occur a couple of months ago, it says here.

Joseph Larry Lopez, 59, allegedly paid David Allen Northcutt, 40, several thousand dollars to kill his adult daughter’s boyfriend, police said.
Warren did not disclose Friday why Lopez wanted the boyfriend dead or how long the two had been dating.
But when Northcutt didn’t follow through with the killing, Lopez demanded his money back, Warren said. The men got into a verbal argument and then called police, each claiming a money dispute. Warren said it was because of the good questioning from officers that they learned of the alleged murder-for-hire plot.

Colour me slightly skeptical of the level of interrogation it took to unravel a scheme concocted by Mensans of such high degree, but hey, at least no one was killed.

Both were taken into custody while formal charges were sorted out.

If You’re Wanting To Try To Sell Hot Pizza Pies, Just Forget It

Good: Making money.
Bad: By steeling 5 cases of frozen pizza from a local warehouse and attempting to sell them.
Worse: To the town’s police department.

Troopers in Nome received reports of a burglary at the Gambell Native Store warehouse at around 10:00 a.m. Sunday in the village of Gambell.
Investigations revealed that 29-year-old John Koozaata and 21-year-old Lewis Oozeva of Gambell broke into to the warehouse early in the morning and stole five cases of frozen pizzas which amounted to 80 pizzas valued at about $1,100.
“Village police officers received their strongest investigative lead when Koozaata and Oozeva called the Gambell Police Department, attempting to sell the pizzas to the on-duty police officers,” troopers wrote.

Our wood-be entrepreneurs were both charged with second degree theft and  second degree burglary, and all but 5 of the pizzas were recovered. I bet I know where the other five went, and I’m glad recovering them isn’t my job.

Shoot Me Once, Shame On You. Shoot Me Twice, Shame ON Me. Shoot Me 3 Times…?

File this one under some folks never learn.

A man shot and wounded Sunday night near 18th and Emmet was shot and wounded in the same neighborhood last September.

Omaha police Monday said Ran’dell Busch, 27, was in critical, but stable condition following the shooting late Sunday night. 
Police found him wounded after responding to a Shotspotter call at 10:38 p.m.
Last September, Busch was shot at that same address at 12:45 in the afternoon.  He went to the hospital in a private vehicle and did not cooperate with police.

And speaking of the police…

Busch was shot by Omaha police in 2012, when investigators say he ran from officers. This, too, took place at 18th and Emmet.

The article also notes that Busch has a habit of getting shot that dates all the way back to age 15, though it unhelpfully leaves out how many bullets he’s taken or if any of them met him at the same intersection.

Currently Popping Raft?

I’m long past the point of being way overdue to update my CPR certifications, but one of the things I do remember from the long forgotten classes I took is the part where they tell you to assess the situation as carefully as you can in the short amount of time you have to react. What sort of help does this person need? Is there anyone else nearby who can assist? Is the person I’m saving even a person at all? Ok so that last one never came up, but perhaps the training people might want to think about adding it to the book juuuuuuuust in case.

French police officers found the 22-year-old behaving strangely in the early hours of Sunday in the shipyard in Vannes in Brittany, near an area which houses several nightclubs and late-night bars.
“He was underneath a boat, on his knees, trying to resuscitate a rubber dinghy,” police told Le Télégramme de Brest newspaper.
The would-be hero had called emergency services and told them to rush an ambulance to the site before he set about his own rescue attempt.
He told the officers that the “victim” was not responding and needed to be saved. He had been carrying out cardio pulmonary resuscitation (CPR) to revive him.

Police told the ambulance to return to base while our drunken friend, who to his credit was at least trying to be helpful, was taken to whatever the french equivalent of the drunk tank is (Le dégrisement?) until he could remember what a human being looked like.

Once You Go Black You Never Go Back…Until Your Clever Disguise Washes Off

You almost have to give Jose Espinoza here some creativity points.

Sensing that the police were on to the stolen car he had parked near his home and likely either knew who he was or were close to finding out, Espinoza did what most people would do. He ran. And though you can argue the wisdom of doing so, he ran to the safest place he could think of, that very same home. But since even he was wise enough to realize that simply staying inside and hoping for the best probably wasn’t going to cut it, he decided that a disguise was in order. And boy oh boy, what a disguise it was.

Photo of Jose Espinoza.
Obviously, anyone with even the slightest grasp on current events knows that historically, America’s police forces and its black communities have enjoyed a peaceful, harmonious relationship that sees most African Americans drawing little attention whatsoever from the authorities on an average day. Armed with this knowledge, Espinoza decided to undergo a transformation. Translation: He spray painted his face black in the hopes that if paid a visit, he’d get the old sorry, wrong house and the kind officers would be on their way.

You might think that these clearly well thought out precautions would be enough to ensure that he was in the clear, but that’s why he’s Jose Espinoza and you’re not.

Just to make sure that he had all of his bases covered, he took a final step. He hid. Where? Out in his yard, up against a white wall. You know, so he wouldn’t stand out.

He stood out, of course.

He’s since been charged with unlawful taking or driving of a vehicle and receiving stolen property.

Mark Pollock Goes To The Pay Window. Hopefully He Doesn’t Fall Out Of It

I really really really really really wish that somebody could describe for me the exact window that Mark Pollock fell out of, because I still can’t work out in my brain how a fully grown adult (even a blind one such as himself) manages that under normal circumstances without being wasted as hell times 14. I’d also be interested in a survey of United Kingdom judges and their theories on how fully grown blind adults operate, because one of them has just decided that dumping yourself out a window is worth a couple million dollars worth of home insurance money which is completely absurd unless there’s something huge I’m missing here.

Mr Justice Davis ruled that the open window created an obvious risk for a blind person, particularly on the second storey of a house with nothing to prevent a fall to the ground below.
He ruled: “I am satisfied that the Cahills failed to discharge the common law duty of care they owed as occupiers.
“The open window was a real risk to Mr Pollock. They created that risk.”
Mr Pollock’s lawyers confirmed outside court that he had limited his claim to a maximum of £2 million, the limit of the Cahills’ household insurance.
Given the extent of his loss of earnings and future care needs, that was only a fraction of the total value of his claim.

What a guy.

Still wanna know how he fell out a window, though. Maybe Mr Justice Davis can sort it out for me, since the risk still isn’t obvious enough to at least one blind person.

This Bar Rocks

And now, your don’t even bother trying to figure this one out story of the day. Thank you, Florida.

Cops in Tallahassee, Florida say that on Wednesday, Jared Simpson, 24, visited the 4th Quarter Bar & Grill and rung up a $10 tab. When it came time to pay up, Simpson allegedly tried to get the bartender to accept a rock as payment.
When the woman decided that a stone wasn’t legal tender, Simpson responded by throwing a ripped-up dollar bill at her and saying he “would pay [her] in other ways,” according to the probable cause affidavit.

One witness said Simpson told people he was “shot up in the war,” but would not reveal the military branch he served in because “if I tell you I have to kill you,” according to Tallahassee.com.
Simpson left the bar and came back a short time later with a credit card that didn’t work, so the employee told him to pay up or leave.
Simpson left again, but came back again, this time in a gray suit and carrying a briefcase that he set down.
After warning that “anyone who goes near this will die,” Simpson allegedly ran out of the bar and across the street.

The running out of the bar part is interesting, since depending on the account you read he originally came into the bar hobbling on crutches, but did not run out with them.

The bar was evacuated and police and the bomb squad were called.

When police caught up with Simpson, he told them that the briefcase contained “maybe a bomb or a baby,” sang a song about being some sort of “rainbow man” and then did what I suppose is the crazy man’s version of lawyering up, informing the officers that “I am my own master, I answer to myself, no police have the right to ask questions.” He also may or may not have done a few handstands while he was at it, which again depends on the story you read.

He was charged with making false bomb threats, petty theft and disorderly conduct. He was not, to my legitimate shock, charged with being under the influence of something. His bond was set at $30500,and he was also ordered to undergo a psychiatric assessment before being allowed to bail out. Good call, that.