Category: news

I Guess, You Know, You Should Have Shared

I’m not sure if these types of incidents have slowed down or if I’m just not trying hard enough to dig them up, but it’s been a while since we’ve had a good old fashioned pot roast related sibling stabbin’.

On Monday, police say Rodney Gilliam and his brother Randy Gilliam were drinking alcohol and got into an argument.
Police said the argument was over a pot roast that Rodney was cooking. Randy claimed it was his.
Rodney allegedly grabbed a three-pronged fork and attempted to attack Randy. Police say Randy tackled Rodney and the two began to fight.
Rodney stabbed Randy with the fork, causing lacerations to the head and a puncture wound to the left forearm.

Rodney has been charged with aggravated battery. Randy, according to This is True, feels a little bit bad about it.

“One thing led to another, I feel so bad about it. A family squabble, I mean, like I said I’m sorry he’s going to jail for it. I don’t want to see him do that. But I guess, you know, you shouldn’t stab me.”

“I guess, you know, you shouldn’t stab me” is an early contender for my favourite quote of 2016, by the way.

Goodbye Philippines, And Everywhere Else, Too

There’s drunk, there’s really drunk, and then, apparently, there’s let’s hug this enormous New Year’s Eve firecracker as it’s about to go off drunk.

A drunk man died after he embraced a giant firecracker called Goodbye Philippines as it was about to explode, health secretary Janet Garin told reporters.
“His jaw was shattered. He was so intoxicated he hugged the Goodbye Philippines,” Ms Garin said, adding the man was pronounced dead at the hospital.

This was just one of many incidents during the annual New Year’s celebrations in the Philippines, which I’m learning are quite the event. According to superstition, it’s necessary to make very loud noises in order to ward off bad luck. So to accomplish this there is much fireworks and random gunfire, so it’s not hard to figure out how things like this happen.

The health department listed 380 injuries due to fireworks and four others due to stray bullets.
In many hospitals across the country, firecracker victims rushed into emergency rooms grimacing in pain as they held their bloodied limbs.
An eight-year-old boy in the northern farming province of Nueva Vizcaya had three of his fingers amputated after a firecracker exploded in his hands, Ms Garin said.
At least nine children had their fingers amputated due to firecracker injuries, she said.

And most of them still probably got off easier than the 3000 plus people who were left homeless after a fireworks accident burned their shanty town to the ground.

All of which leads to the obvious question. Is it time to find a new, less fatality prone superstition or should they try to make more noise next year?

Did He Think The Cop Would Think He Was The Pharmacist?

When you absolutely have to get to Walmart at 3:30 in the morning and the clothes you’re wearing and bags you’re carrying contain any or all of the following:

  • two suboxone strips
  • 0.5 grams of methamphetamine
  • 6.4 grams of marijuana
  • 0.7 grams of unidentified crystals
  • 5 baggies containing 5.2 grams of black tar heroin
  • a ball of black tar heroin weighing 13.2 grams
  • 18 needles
  • a cooking spoon
  • two marijuana smoking pipes
  • one meth smoking pipe
  • a grinder
  • a large quantity of plastic baggies commonly used for packaging small amounts of narcotics

walk. Bike. Take a bus if they’re still running. Do anything but ask a police officer for a ride.

A deputy was refueling his patrol car at the Shell station at the intersection of U.S. 72 and Interstate 65 at about 3:30 a.m. that morning. He reported that when he went inside, the clerk asked if he could give someone a ride to Wal-Mart.
This man was identified as Alex Wiley Smith, 38, of Pounding Mill, Virginia.
The deputy agreed to a courtesy transport but said he needed to check his identification first. The driver’s license came back as cancelled.

At that point the officer said he would have to conduct a search of Smith and his property before he could allow him into the police car. Smith agreed, and now here we are.

Smith, who was being held until somebody posted a $57,500 bond at the time this was written, was charged with first-degree possession of marijuana, possession of a controlled substance and drug trafficking.

You Can Be Assured Of A Great Experience And Overall Satisfaction When You Choose

My first thought when I saw the headline Passenger Arrested For Masturbating “Up To Three Hours” During Megabus Trip was damn, that’s got to be some kind of record. Turns out The Smoking Gun thinks so too, and if they think it’s a record, it’s probably a record. They’re pretty good at this stuff.

So yeah, a guy played with himself for close to three hours on a bus trip. Why? Because he assumed that the horrified silence of the nearby female passenger as he did so meant she was appreciative and enjoying it, that’s why. If you’ve been following along with these types of stories for any length of time (you might not even need three hours), you’ll recognize that as a pretty common refrain.

According to a criminal complaint, officers were told that passenger Telly Shadell Corey, 41, “was on the bus with his penis exposed to a female passenger that was terrified.”
A subsequent investigation determined that Corey initially “played with his penis in his sweatpants.” He then “ended up exposing his penis and masturbating for up to three hours because he thought the victim was enjoying it.”
After being read his rights, Corey reportedly copped to the marathon pleasure session and told police he thought “since the victim didn’t say anything to him she was enjoying it.”

Corey was charged with indecent exposure. He is currently locked up in of all places the Johnson County jail in lieu of $2500 bond.

By the way, if you’re wondering what’s up with the title I put on this post, I can explain. No, it’s not a weird copy and paste accident. That’s a quote from the Megabus website.

The Eyebrow’s Connected To The Breast Bone And Other Lessons From Friendly Dr. Newman

Since I posted last, I did some more looking around to see if there was anything else important about Dr. David Newman that might be worth including. I’d have done that during the writing process like I generally do, but Firefox was bound and determined that it was going to crash and try to take the rest of the system with it, so I gave up and just went with what I had so I wouldn’t lose everything. But as you can probably tell based on the fact that we’re talking about him again, I found something. Boy, did I ever find something.

Although the case we covered seems to be his worst infraction, it’s far from his only one. In fact, he’s accused of doing inappropriate things to four patients during their ER visits.

The other three women — all 18 to 21 years old — were treated by Dr. Newman in the pediatric area of the emergency room. The prosecutor said there was evidence that he had touched one woman’s breasts while treating her for a cold. He is accused of doing the same to a woman who had complained of a rash on her eyebrows and to another who had complained of a headache after taking a pregnancy test.

Admittedly, I’m not as familiar as maybe I ought to be with what they do to you when you walk into an emergency room and say you might be pregnant. And the woman with the cold, maybe the good doctor’s hands slipped whilst applying some VapoRub. But what I do know or at least what I thought I knew is that the eyebrows are nowhere near the booble region, not even when you’ve had a seriously bad day and your head is hanging super low.

In any event, Newman denies those accusations. He also has an explanation for why his DNA was found on that one woman’s cheek and it’s just…ewww.

According to court documents, Dr. Newman told a detective that he had masturbated in a lounge before he treated the patient with shoulder pain and that his semen may have been transferred to her face during the examination.

He also told the detective, who interviewed him in his Montclair, N.J., home on Jan. 12, that he had given the patient a second dose of morphine. He attributed that decision to “some confusion amongst the nurses regarding the morphine.”

I’m no pervert, officer. I’m just unhygienic and incompetent.

As a result of the investigation, Newman has been fired from the hospital and is presently being tried on charges of first-degree sexual abuse (one count) and third-degree sexual abuse (four counts). He’s also being sued for unspecified damages by the woman who says his guilt was written all over her face.

In an odd and somewhat unfortunate twist of fate, that woman’s name is also Newman. No, they’re not related, thank the sweet merciful baby Jesus Christ.

Let Me Give You A Shot For That

And now, the story of a woman with an injured right arm and her hospital run-in with New York emergency room doctor David Newman, who various authorities are alleging had no such trouble with his.

The woman claims she removed her shirt and bra, but kept her pants on. The woman was still dressed in the gown when Newman walked into her room following the X-ray.
“I’m going to give you a shot of morphine,” the doctor told her, according to sources familiar with the woman’s claims.
The patient says she told the doctor that a nurse had already administered the drug, but she then felt a burning sensation in her arm that convinced her that Newman gave her more morphine anyway.
The visit turned creepy when the patient, while the doctor was examining her back, told him she felt pain on the right side of her chest. Newman started fondling her breasts, she alleged, according to sources.
The doctor then moved her bed away from the wall and positioned himself with his back toward the patient. The woman heard the sounds of someone masturbating — and then felt semen on her face, she claimed.
All the while, she was unable to move because she was heavily medicated, sources said.

Newman, after allegedly finishing his dirty deed, used a blanket to wipe off the substance from her face.

The story then picks up with some confused nurses wondering why they suddenly had an apparently overly medicated, blacking in and out disturbed woman on their hands.

The nurse, joined by another physician, Dr. Andrew Jagoda, roused the woman and asked what happened. The patient was drifting in and out of consciousness and unable to respond, she claimed, according to sources.
Once the woman woke up, she walked into the bathroom and spotted what appeared to be semen on her face and bare chest. She told police she wiped it off with a gown, which she then placed in a plastic bag along with the bedding — presumably to preserve as evidence, sources said.
When Jagoda returned to the room a short while later, the patient described what happened and said she wanted to go home. Jagoda asked the woman if she wanted him to call the police. She said she wanted to speak with his supervisor, sources said.
Jagoda then dropped a bombshell — his supervisor was Newman, the doctor she accused of sexual abuse.

Realizing that a chat with Newman would get her nowhere beyond perhaps an unwanted second date, she left the hospital. Thankfully the incident was reported anyway and an investigation is now underway. Newman has been barred from seeing any patients while the wheels of justice do that slow turning thing that wheels of justice do.

A Gun Disguised As A Cell Phone. Just What America Needs

I want to say right off the top that I hope I’m getting hoaxed here. I don’t think I am, but I really, really hope. Because even though I’ve seen what you’re about to see from a couple of generally reputable sources, when I run into something as stunningly stupid as MN company invents gun that looks like a cell phone, I think we’d all be better off as a species if the Vomit Comet guy got tricked.

MONTICELLO, Minn. – A Minnesota company is making national headlines for a gun that’s not even on the market yet. 
The start-up Monticello company, called Ideal Conceal, is getting a lot of attention for its double-barrel .380-caliber handgun. The reason why? The gun is designed to look just like a cell phone.

How, aside from excessive drinking of course, would this ever strike anyone as a good idea, especially in a country known more for its absurd number of mass shootings than just about anything else anymore?

CEO Kirk Kjellberg said he got the idea for the gun at a restaurant, after getting his permit to carry — and quickly realizing he’d like to be more concealed. 

“I walked towards the restroom and a little child, a boy about 7, saw me and said, ‘Mommy, mommy, that guy’s gotta gun,'” he said. “The whole restaurant of course turns and stares at you and I thought, ‘There’s just gotta be something better to do than this.'”

Just spitballin’ here, but how about acting like we do in civilized nations and not bringing your gun into a restaurant?

The gun, as advertised on his website, is designed to look just like a smartphone — “so your new pistol will easily blend in with today’s environment.”

America is such a riddle sometimes. On the one hand it’s so afraid of terrorism that it wants everyone to give up all right to privacy so that nobody ever has to get killed again, while on the other it wants to make guns more accessible and easier to carry, not realizing that maybe there might just be a connection in there somewhere.

Kjellberg said the prototype will be done in June and will likely be manufactured in October. So far, he said he’s had plenty of interest — more than 4,000 requests, he claims, including from law enforcement.

If there’s any right and good left in this world, law enforcement is only interested in this thing so they know who to scoop up when everyone’s violent crime rates start going through the roof.

The gun will be sold for $395. 

Since marketing for the gun began, Kjellberg admits he’s seen a range of feedback, including concerns raised about those who might be carrying a weapon indistinguishable from a cell phone.

Or maybe a cell phone indistinguishable from a weapon, which may be a slightly better way to frame the problem since everyone carries cell phones in the open.

He said his product is for those who want to carry a gun, when they need to “and not have to engage other people about why they’re carrying that gun.”

A.K.A. criminals.

He said the fact that there are several ways in which those with permits to carry are currently able to conceal their weapons, makes his product no more of a safety concern than other guns.

Which isn’t exactly comforting, nor should it still be legal to use as a selling point.

“We don’t want anything sinister to go on with it either,” he said, “it’s just made for mainstream America, not criminal enterprise.”

Boy, wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall when he has that talk with the notoriously reasonable folks down at criminal enterprise?

If this isn’t a hoax as I fear it isn’t, I hope reason and good sense will prevail before it ever gets past the planning stages. Unfortunately, I fear that won’t happen either. We’re dealing with America here, and as has been made painfully clear, America never learns.

Give Me All Your Money Or I’ll Meet You At The Mall Tomorrow And You Can Give It To Me Then

I don’t know if Jason Donte Hayes will wind up being the stupidest criminal of 2016 as this article suggests, but it’ll definitely be safe to shortlist him.

According to reports, Hayes disguised himself and entered the home of an elderly couple he used to rent a house from. He woke the woman up with a friendly gun tap on the shoulder, then demanded that she give him money. When she told him she didn’t have any, he ordered her at the point of that same gun to drive with him to a bank machine and withdraw $2000. When the machine decided that it had other plans and only allowed her to take out $460, Hayes drove the woman home, then woke up her husband. He ordered them both into the kitchen where he proceeded to talk to them for close to an hour about something or other, police say. Before leaving, he gave them the standard if you tell anybody I’m gonna kill you threat, but then took it a step further by making an appointment to meet again the next day so they could give him the rest of the cash he wanted.

“This is where stupid takes off pretty quickly,” Splain said.
The couple reported the incident to police shortly after noon Jan. 3. After authorities processed the crime scene and interviewed the victims, there was just one matter left.
“He clearly told the victim that he would meet her at a certain location at a certain time,” Splain said. “Not that we would believe that a robber would have ever showed up for a scheduled appointment, but it was something we had to cover.”
So Splain and two officers in plain clothes put together a detail and waited for Hayes at the parking lot Jan. 4. Lo and behold, Hayes actually showed up, wearing the same black-and-white camouflage pants and the same dark scarf around his face that he wore during the kidnapping, Splain said.
“We let him sit there for a couple minutes,” Splain said. “It was clear he was waiting for somebody, and at that point, we took him down.”
The cops found $363 in cash on Hayes and a gold Timex watch that had been taken from the victims’ home, police said.

Hayes, who is 17 but is now an adult in the eyes of the state, was charged with kidnapping, robbery and aggravated assault. He was being held on $200000 bail pending a court appearance.

For The Second Time Today, Don’t Dink And Drive

Thankfully nobody died this time.

A Georgia motorist was masturbating when he plowed his vehicle into a van that had stopped at an intersection, police report.
According to cops, Donald Marvin Johnson, 63, was “physically distracted” while driving his Saturn Ion Monday morning in Martinez, an Augusta suburb.
Johnson was “following too closely” when he rear-ended a Chevrolet Astro van.
As detailed in a Columbia County Sheriff’s Office report, driver Ricartia McBride, 28, told police that she saw Johnson’s car “swerving and driving recklessly” before the crash, adding that his vehicle “almost hit her two or three times.”
McBride, cops reported, said that, “the last time she looked over at Mr. Johnson, he had his penis exposed outside of his pants and was physically masturbating.”

Heh heh heh…you said Johnson.

The aptly named suspect was charged with public indecency and following too closely. At last report he was being held on $11,200 bond. No word on the possibility that he was fantasizing about taking somebody from behind at the time of the accident.

This isn’t Johnson’s first go round with the justice system. In 2008, he was convicted of…wait for it…public indecency. While driving, even. The more things change and whatnot. The incident report in that case notes, albeit incorrectly, that no weapon or tool was used during the commission of the alleged crime.

Don’t Dink And Drive

If for whatever reason you’re still not on board with the fining people for driving while focused on pretty much anything but driving thing, perhaps Clifford Ray Jones will change your mind. Not because of anything profound he may have to say on the subject, but rather through what he won’t be saying due to his currently being dead. Embarrassingly, embarrassingly dead.

A Detroit man who died early Sunday in a one-car crash was pantsless and masturbating while watching a pornographic movie on his cell phone,
according to police who investigated the accident.
The rollover crash occurred around 3:40 AM as motorist Clifford Ray Jones, 58, was driving a 1996 Toyota on a freeway near Interstate 75.
Michigan State Police officials report that Jones became “distracted” while watching the film and lost control of the car, which overturned.

They also reported that Jones, who I remind you was wearing neither pants nor a seat belt, was partially ejected through the sun roof and died at the scene.

Let that last bit stew in your brain between texts for a moment. He was killed right there. He never got the chance to explain why he was wearing no pants, why he was driving the old stick shift, why he was watching porn which may have still been playing while wearing no pants while driving the old stick shift or even to attempt to remedy any of those situations. To somebody he’ll always be good ‘ol Cliffie, but to most of us he’s going to be the naked dead porn guy. Is that what you want for yourself? No? Well then, put down the fucking phone and keep your eyes on the goddamn road.