Category: news

Someone Tries To Make Sense Out Of The Donald Trump Press Conference. Good Luck, Dude


So…that Trump press conference yesterday sure was something, eh? I don’t know *what* it was, but I feel reasonably safe calling it *something*. These next four years are going to be…holy christ how did this happen? Can someone be impeached before he officially takes office? Pretty sure the answer is no, which made sense until last November. May want to start working on that, whatever sensible parts of government still exist down there.

But anyway, that press conference. What a shitshow (pissshow?). Admonishing the media, congratulating himself for not making business deals, admitting that the Russians probably influenced the election but seeming A-OK with it, calling CNN fake news (ok so maybe he might kinda be on to something there)…it’s all enough to confuse even the most seasoned political watcher even though none of this bears much of a resemblance to politics. Thankfully Scott Feschuk is here to help us out/scare us the rest of the way to death by offering up this handy translation. What Donald Trump really meant at his press conference

It’ll be repeal and replace [on health care]. It will be essentially simultaneously. It will be various segments, you understand, but will most likely be on the same day or the same week, but probably the same day, could be the same hour.
(I think Trump just started a Dr. Seuss book:
Same day! Same hour!
Same day! Same week!
Your pre-existing condition
Means your prospects are bleak!
You may lose your health care Tuesday morn
Or closer to next Friday’s dawn
Or Wednesday in the afternoon
Your bankruptcy is coming soon!
Your coverage may abruptly lapse
Don’t let your cheery view elapse!
Your dad can fix your broken bone
With two sticks and some silicone!)

In case you’re wondering about that video at the top, the Christmas theme seemed appropriate because Trump really is the gift that keeps on giving. We keep getting shit we don’t want, but what can you do?

The Earth Is Round, It’s The Campsite That’s Flattened

If you had to guess, which side of a the earth is flat vs. no, it’s round argument would you pick to be the one that got so worked up over the issue that it was moved to chuck a propane tank into a campfire?

If you chose the dunderhead who still thinks here in the 21st century that it’s flat, congratulations, you and I think alike. And guess what. We’re both wrong.

Police said a 56-year-old Brockville man was at a campsite with his son and his son’s girlfriend when the woman began insisting that the Earth is flat.
The older man insisted the Earth is round.
It’s not clear if anyone at the campfire put forth the argument that the Earth’s equatorial bulge makes it not perfectly round, but instead a shape known as an oblate spheroid.
Nevertheless, police said the man became so enraged he began throwing objects into the campfire, including a propane cylinder.
Brockville firefighters were called to put out the campfire.

By the time police arrived, the man had left the area. Assuming he hasn’t walked off the edge and now finds himself floating eternally in a void of nothingness or somesuch, he will most likely be charged with mischief when located.

Hail Mary, Full Of…Uh, Guys? Is She Supposed To Be Full Of Those Things?


These songs, as you may have noticed, are just a tiny bit different. But while this observation did not get bye you, the same cannot be said for the person responsible for printing up the lyric sheets for this year’s Catholic Joy to the World Festival.

A Christmas carol service in the Sri Lankan capital of Colombo has accidentally printed out the lyrics to late rapper Tupac Shakur’s ‘Hail Mary’ in its programme instead of the 15th century Catholic prayer. 
The mix-up occurred at the 2016 Catholic Joy to the World Festival at the city’s Nelum Pokuna Theatre during one of Sri Lanka’s largest Christmas celebrations earlier this month.
Instead of finding the words “Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee/blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb”, the carol singers were invited to reflect on the 1997 song’s themes of mortality, violence and sex and whether they wanted to “ride or die.”

If it hasn’t happened already, somebody please find a way to mash these up. It would make things so much easier next year.

The Case Of The Cursing Hatchimals

I wish the headline on this article hadn’t given away what I was supposed to be listening for, because I think it has me hearing something that may not be as clear as it would have sounded otherwise.

Below you’ll find two videos from two different customers who claim that the Hatchimals they bought are sleepcursing them. Do you hear what they hear? I think you might be able to make a case for it, but it’s iffy enough that it’s almost certainly not intentional and again, the story I linked gives it away right out of the gate which I’m not doing so as not to taint your opinion the way mine was.

Nick Galego, a father in Canada, shared a video on Christmas of his son’s Hatchimal possibly saying “fuck me.”

The phrase is hard to make out — and certainly sounds quiiiite a bit like a sigh, followed by the word “me” — but Galego is “pretty sure” of what he heard.
“I’m pretty sure it says ‘fuck me,’” Galego told CTV Vancouver Island.
His wife, Sarah Galego, also said she heard it. Still, they plan on keeping their son’s beloved toy because he hasn’t noticed the alleged dirty phrase.
“If he was a little bit older we might be more offended about it,” she said.

A spokesperson for Spin Master, the company responsible for unleashing these things, says that they’re not swearing out of the box, but communicating in their own language of noises, snores and shivers. Of course that’s what a spokesperson for Spin Master would say, but I think she’s telling the truth especially because she went on to admit that it’s not impossible to make them swear if you want to by using the learn to talk feature that allows you to record sounds and have your hatchimal repeat them at random. So yes, I know what you’re all doing when you’re done here.

If Only He’d Owned A TV, He Would Have Known It Was Shop With A Cop Day

So it appears we have a brand new episode of shoplift with a cop. I still cannot believe this happens this much.

I guess James Walsh was feeling brave. He had been out to this Walmart the day before and had successfully stolen a TV, so he thought he needed another one, a big one. But this particular day was “Shop with a Cop day.” But for some reason, he still thought he had a good chance. Because this story is here, I think we know he didn’t.

After loitering around an exit with the 58-inch TV in his cart for a while, he kind of caught the attention of folks who keep an eye out for that sort of thing. Come to think of it, he probably caught their eye anyway because they might have had a pretty good idea who had stolen the TV the day before, even if they didn’t catch him. For some reason that escapes me, he decided to run back into the cop-filled store to run out through another exit…which didn’t work. Then he told them about the stolen TV from the day before.

Well I guess that Walmart doesn’t have to wonder where the TV from the day before went.

Because this keeps happening, maybe they should use these “Shop with a Cop” days as bait to catch shoplifters…or maybe that would only work in Florida.

Where There’s Fire, There Isn’t

When Michael Orchard noticed a raging fire in his neighbour’s home, he knew immediately what needed to be done. There was, after all, a dog in that house, and it didn’t seem right to let it die so horribly. So in an act of selfless sacrifice, he used his BMW to break through a fence, then ran to the house, smashed in the back door and with no regard for his own well being, carried the dog to safety.

There was just one problem. The fire he had heroically ran into didn’t exist.

Troopers say 43-year-old Michael Orchard of Inglewood Drive told them he mixed LSD with cough medicine Thursday afternoon and they found him, standing heroically with a dog in his arms outside of what he thought was a giant inferno.
“He believed that the residence was on fire and he was rescuing the dog,” said Trooper Mark Cepiel, Troop G spokesperson.
Neighbors tell NewsChannel 13 Orchard went around the neighborhood banging on doors yelling about a fire. Since no one would help, because there was no fire. The animal lover took matters into his own hands to save the dog, allegedly driving his black BMW sedan through the fence.

He was charged with second-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief and taken to jail until he came home from his trip and could post the $15,000 bail.

It’s Ok, Officer. I’m Just On My Way Home From A Swingers Party

Maybe it has something to do with me not driving, but it never fails to amaze me when something like this happens and the person just keeps right on going like it’s no big thing.

Police were called to the Logan intersection of Victoria Street and Station Road early on Saturday morning after locals had stopped a female driver who had a children’s swing caught on the vehicle’s roof.
Residents told police she had allegedly lost control of her vehicle and drove it into the backyard of a house and straight through the swing set.
The woman, 38, had a breath test and was found to be almost four times over the legal limit, police said.

Damn Autocomplete

I have a friend who went on an autocomplete nonsense texting rampage earlier this year simply because it seemed like a fun idea. I hope he sees this and decides to take it to the next level. Just remember who to thank when you get all famous and stuff, dude.

A nonsensical academic paper on nuclear physics written only by iOS autocomplete has been accepted for a scientific conference.
Christoph Bartneck, an associate professor at the Human Interface Technology laboratory at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, received an email inviting him to submit a paper to the International Conference on Atomic and Nuclear Physics in the US in November.

“Since I have practically no knowledge of nuclear physics I resorted to iOS autocomplete function to help me writing the paper,” he wrote in a blog post on Thursday. “I started a sentence with ‘atomic’ or ‘nuclear’ and then randomly hit the autocomplete suggestions.
“The text really does not make any sense.”

Just how much sense doesn’t it make? Well, if the title “Atomic Energy will have been made available to a single source” doesn’t make it clear, have a look at this sample from the abstract.

““The atoms of a better universe will have the right for the same as you are the way we shall have to be a great place for a great time to enjoy the day you are a wonderful person to your great time to take the fun and take a great time and enjoy the great day you will be a wonderful time for your parents and kids.”

And the conclusion.

“Power is not a great place for a good time.”

To make sure it looked super duper authoritative and professional, he took the time to paste in the first picture from Wikipedia’s nuclear physics entry.

Happily, all his hard work paid off. His paper was approved three hours after he submitted it and he was asked to register as a speaker…for the nominal fee of $1099.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I don’t know who was the first to do it, but in the last few years a number of stories have come out about people writing gibberish generating programs or typing nonsense phrases over and over in order to expose conferences and journals that are out to get people to pay registration and publication fees rather than to improve the quality of the world’s knowledge. My favourite example of this phenomenon is actually mentioned in the article on this latest one. Journal accepts bogus paper requesting removal from mailing list, in which computer scientist Dr Peter Vamplew submitted a paper entitled Get Me Off Your Fucking Mailing List consisting of nothing but those words and a few diagrams.

To answer the question I know you’re all asking, no, they haven’t.

Lettuce Behave, Lest We End Up Behind Bars

Thing you shouldn’t do number one: Scoop toppings at a salad bar with your hands, because that’s just gross.

Thing you shouldn’t do number two: Punch the off duty police officer who asks you nicely to stop doing thing number one in the face, because that’s just mean, not to mention dumb.

As detailed in an Oklahoma City Police Department report, Deputy Adebola Atoka was “at the salad bar selecting food for her plate” when she spotted Williams using “her bare hands to grab salad out of the salad bowl.”
Atoka, cops noted, alerted restaurant staffers, “who changed out the salad.”
After the lettuce had been replaced, Williams returned to the salad bar and again dug in with her hands, prompting Atoka to tell her that, “she should not do that.”
Williams, police allege, responded by punching Atoka in the face, a blow that knocked the deputy’s glasses off.

Lindsay Williams, who is 29 and hopefully raised by wolves so she might have some kind of excuse for this, was charged with assault and battery.