AHHHHH! I’M NUTS! I MEAN OW, MY NUTS!

I have no idea what kind of drugs this fellow was supposedly on, but they don’t sound like the fun ones.

According to an arrest report from the Walton County Sheriff’s Office, on June 10 a caller reported a white man was “on drugs and threatening to kill the neighbors with a gun.” Deputies responded and made contact the man while he was walking on the road.
The man was soaked from sweat, according to the report, and told police his testicles were hurting. He said he thought he had parasites from swimming in the creek.
An officer asked him what happened at Cook Road, and he said he was yelling and cursing because his testicles were hurting. He said he was trying to use his neighbors’ phones, but they wouldn’t let him. He was “apologetic” for cursing and screaming, according to the report.
Police found his phone crushed in the middle of the road from where he had apparently thrown it down earlier.

There Are Two, Maybe Three Songs You Can Play On A Recorder. Are Any Of Them About Arson?

I don’t have a whole lot to add to whatever’s going on here besides that I have some family in Ingersoll, a random fact that I hope doesn’t become important.

Oxford OPP arrived at a small grass fire near a parking lot in downtown Ingersoll just before 9 p.m. Saturday.
Police said a man lit the grass on fire, stayed nearby and played what appeared to be a recorder. The suspect then attempted to light the grass on fire again before fleeing the area near King Street East and Water Street, police said.
The man had a small white dog with him. Police said a woman was also seen in the area who may have been with the suspect.

The small fire was extinguished by police and Ingersoll firefighters.

I want to know what song he was playing. Was he hoping it would encourage the fire like a rain dance or something?

Police, meanwhile, want to find a thin man with short dark hair who stands about five feet, eight inches tall and was last seen wearing a dark T-shirt and long blue and white plaid shorts. He may also be brandishing a recorder, at least in my mind.

No description of the woman is available, which seems odd until you compare it to everything else about this.

Ask About Our 911 Minutes Or It’s Free Guarantee

Today in stupid ass reasons for calling 911: The pizza wasn’t ready when my son and I came to collect it.

A 32-year-old woman dialled 911 at about 9 p.m. Monday to report her pizza wasn’t ready when she showed up at an Elgin, Ont., restaurant to pick it up, Leeds County OPP said.
When police arrived, they said the woman and her 10-year-old son were waiting in their car to file their culinary complaint.
“Officers educated her on the proper use of the 911 system,” OPP said in a news release.

32. I’ll say that again, because it bears repeating. She! Is! Thirty! Two!

But according to the police who showed up to “educate” her, what she wasn’t was under the influence of anything, which makes the whole thing so much worse. Oh, and she isn’t expected to face charges, which also doesn’t help. A bad deal all around, right here.

Come ON, Dude. I Triple Dong Dare You!

I don’t know if Richard Kuhn needs better friends, richer friends or a course on lying, but he clearly needs something. Maybe less time on his hands would be a good start.

On May 22, three women in three separate reports told Ocala police that a man exposed himself to them at Target, 2000 SW College Road, Ocala.
The first woman said she was in the home decor section when she noticed someone behind her. She said when she looked over at the person, she saw a man’s genitals. She reported the incident to Target employees.
A second woman said she was in the cold-foods section when she turned around and saw a man exposing himself. A third woman said she was in a women’s clothing aisle when a man walked up and exposed himself. Target employees found the man and detained him until an officer arrived.

The cold foods section? I’d be concerned about the potential for shrinkage, personally.

Anyway, when police arrived and interviewed Kuhn, he explained to them that the reason for his behaviour was the almighty dollar. Twenty of them, to be precise. He was at the store with some friends, you see, and they told him they’d give him twenty bucks if he would walk around the store and expose himself. Why he did it three times instead of quickly doing it once and then getting the hell out of there if he felt he must do it at all is a question that remains unanswered, as is who exactly these friends are.

Kuhn was charged with indecent exposure and later released on $3,000 bond.

Put The Money In The Bag. I’ll Be Outside Double Checking, So Don’t Try Anything

Bank robbery pretty clearly is not for Michael Gale Nash. Not only did he whip out the old write your hold-up note on a paper with your name and birthday written on the other side of it gimmick, but then he didn’t even bother running away once he got his money from a disproportionately frightened teller.

Anchorage police rapidly solved a bank robbery Tuesday after the suspect handed the teller a hold-up note with his name and birthdate on the back, according to a charging document filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Anchorage.
But Anchorage police didn’t even need that handy tip to arrest Michael Gale Nash after he left First National Bank Alaska on 36th Avenue in Midtown with $400 in a bag, the FBI says.
“It’s my understanding he was sitting outside the bank counting his money when police arrived,” said Staci Feger-Pellessier, a spokeswoman with the FBI in Alaska.

Nash entered the bank wearing a large backpack, sweater and blue jeans shortly after 4 p.m. Tuesday, documents say.

He handed the teller a note: “This is a hold up. Please put the money they want in the bag. God help us!!!”
The hold-up note was written on the back of a form from an organization that provides affordable housing in the Lower 48. Nash’s personal information was on the form.
Feger-Pellessier said she understands no weapon was involved.
The teller, new to the job, was “momentarily dazed,” and did not immediately follow steps to alert police and co-workers. But a manager noticed the look on her face after the teller interacted with Nash, learned the details and reported the crime.
The teller “was visibly shaken, displaying shortness of breath and on the verge of crying,” according to the affidavit by an FBI investigator.

Police say Nash confessed to the crime and was arrested, which temporarily solves his affordable housing problem. I doubt that was his plan all along, but at least he has something to show for his efforts.

I’m Not A Health Teacher, But I Play One At The Park

Were Otis Dawayne Ryan a Doug Ford voter, I’m guessing it would have more to do with the buck-a-beer promise than his pledge to make the sex education curriculum more conservative.

The incident occurred about 3 p.m. Sunday at a park in the area of Pier 60.
Officers said Ryan at first was approaching tourists and making inappropriate comments to women in an effort to get their male partners to confront him. An officer in the area was watching him at the time.
“I watched (Ryan) walk over to the busy playground area and climb to the top of one of the children’s toys that was being occupied by children between the ages of 4 and 6,” an officer wrote in an arrest report. “He then started shouting from the top telling the children that babies come out of women” — and used a vulgar term in doing so.
“At that time parents were rushing to the area to remove their children,” the officer wrote.

Police did some rushing of their own, hauling Ryan in on a charge of disorderly conduct.

Apparently justice is capable of moving swiftly sometimes, because Ryan has already been found guilty on that charge, fined $118 and ordered to stay away from the park. Perhaps this is due to some sort of frequent flyer program they have in Florida, as Ryan has been arrested a number of times in the last year on charges ranging from disorderly conduct to battery to carrying a concealed weapon.

Quarter In The Courts

This is nice. One-Quarter of Ontario PC Candidates Currently Face Lawsuits, Probes and Police Investigations

Obviously not all of these people won, but Doug Ford and his band of miscreants were easily handed a majority government on Thursday, so obviously some of them did.

All of this is important, but there are four things of particular note.

  1. It’s actually more than a quarter of them. The real number, according to Press Progress, is 27.6%. Or to put it another way, 34 out of 123 people who sincerely expected you to trust them to run literally everything important around here might be criminals.
  2. The list I linked to isn’t even a complete one.

    That number does not include several revelations in the lead up to the election,  including allegations ex-PC leader Patrick Brown misappropriated party funds, allegations the PC party president sexually assaulted a young staffer, an investigation launched by Hamilton police looking into claims party officials rigged a nomination meeting or over a dozen other accusations of election fraud at Tory nomination meetings across Ontario.

    It goes on to note that what’s compiled here only covers a single month, which is more than enough, really.

  3. Doug Ford, A.K.A. the guy in charge, personally appears on the list more than once. There’s the lawsuit filed against him by brother Rob Ford’s widow accusing him of ripping her and her kids off to the tune of 16 and a half million dollars to prop up failing businesses and his own lifestyle, the time’s he’s accused of committing election fraud and breaking campaign financing rules, and of course he appears over and over again to defend everyone else’s misdeeds.
  4. All of this was public knowledge well before election season, yet a bunch of you still endorsed it at the ballot box. The hell?

It’s going to be a long four years. For those of you holding out hope that it won’t last that long, I’m sorry. It will. Trump is about to hit a year and a half and he shouldn’t have lasted a week. By that standard, Ford has nothing to worry about no matter what he does. Even throwing out the Trump factor, the voters of Ontario have already made that crystal clear.

Go Home Ontario, You’re Drunk. Possibly ON Buck-A-Beer Meant To Distract You From The Fact That You Just Voted In A Total Asshat


So. Premier Doug Ford is a thing now.

I’m not going to say I’m surprised. I can’t. The existence of Donald J. Trump, President of the United States makes being surprised by an election result pretty well impossible. But what I can say is that I’m incredibly disappointed. More than anything I’m disappointed in the nearly 43 percent of people who didn’t bother voting, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t also disappointed by what the people who did chose to do. Yes, I’m glad you made your voice heard, as is your right. I’d rather you do that than not do it. But since we’re talking about rights, it’s my right to think that your voice is kind of dumb and awful. How people who looked at their options and the state of the province could decide who needs better public transit or higher pay for people who are struggling or expanded health coverage or any of a thousand other things that would benefit everyone, I’m voting for the guy who doesn’t seem to like gay people or minorities or the disabled all that much but might give us reasonably priced beer is baffling. It’s baffling because this is Canada, where we’ve spent so much of the last two years talking about how aware we are compared to Americans and how there’s no way a Trump could ever happen here. I don’t know that Doug Ford is Trump in his purest form, but he’s a bit too close for comfort in some ways. It’s a damn shame that people couldn’t get past their blind hatred for the Liberals or fear of the NDP and see that.

Of course I want Doug Ford to do well. I hope he assembles a competent team to guide him. A team that will help him govern fairly and reasonably and has the courage to talk him out of doing a lot of the really stupid stuff. I hope that he has objectively good ideas and that they work as intended. If those things happen, we’ll all be better for it. But I’ll be honest, it can get hard to have hope for things like those on days like this.

But hey, there was some good news last night. The streak lives!

The party with the least number of votes?
That’s the Pauper Party of Ontario, which is currently sitting with 111 votes … or 0.00 per cent of the popular vote. The party is run by John Turmel, the man who holds the Guinness record for the most elections run in and the most elections lost.
But don’t feel bad for Turmel. He’s already announced he’s running for mayor in the municipal election this fall in Brantford.

The record now stands at 93, I believe. Well done, Jiu-Jitsu John!

Quarter Pounder

I don’t make a habit of it and I feel a little bad whenever I do, but there have been times when I’ve paid for things with nothing but change. Thank goodness none of those times was a transaction at Islam El Masry’s food cart. I enjoy Sriracha, but not when it’s applied directly to my eyes. But hey, at least he was nice enough to give the poor woman some racial slurs for free…allegedly.

The owner of a downtown food cart was arrested on misdemeanor assault charges this afternoon after hurling a Gatorade bottle at a black customer and then allegedly spraying her with Sriracha.
A video taken by the alleged victim, Carlotta Washington, was provided to Willamette Week by an eyewitness. It shows Islam El Masry, owner of the Small Pharoah’s halal cart, arguing with Washington, who claims that El Masry called her the n-word after she attempted to pay for her lunch with quarters.
The video shows El Masry telling her to “get the fuck away” from the cart, then throws a Gatorade bottle at her, causing her to drop her phone.

Washington says that El Masry then sprayed her with Sriracha chili sauce, though that is not on the video.
“It was in my eyes and all on my skin. It was burning terribly,” Washington says.

I don’t know how many quarters it was going to take Washington to pay for her food, but El Masry will need about 16,000 of them if he’s going to make bail.

Can It Be? Did Trump Try To Tell The Truth For The First Time?

Recently, Donald Trump did something not at all unusual for him. He made a bad policy decision. This time it’s one that might start a global trade war, because that’s the sort of thing that tends to happen when you just up and decide one day that you’re slapping tariffs on steel and aluminum that comes from countries you’re friendly with.

But then he did something that is unusual. For what may be the first time since he took power, he reportedly tried to justify his poor decision making with something approaching a verifiable fact.

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau held a tense telephone call last month over the U.S. president’s decision to slap Canada with steep tariffs on steel and aluminum.
Trump mentioned the burning of the White House during the War of 1812 during the confrontational May 25 call, which was first reported by CNN and confirmed by CBC News.
Trudeau reportedly asked Trump how tariffs could be imposed on Canada on “national security” grounds. Trump reportedly responded: “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?”
It’s not clear if Trump was attempting to inject humour into a discussion on a topic that could have serious economic repercussions.
British troops burned down the White House in 1814 during the War of 1812, in retaliation for an American attack on York, Ont., a British colony at the time.

If this wasn’t Trump and he and his people didn’t have a track record, humour might be a possibility. But this is Trump and they do have a track record (the Bowling Green Massacre, whatever the hell happened in Sweden and on and on and on), so I’m not buying it. But hey, good on ya for not just making stuff up like usual, Don boy.