Category: news

Snitches Get Stitches, But Attention Gets Detention

“Due to snitches, everyone entering my home is subject to being searched. All cell phones and drinks will be left outside. If you’re not a snitch, it won’t offend you if I search you.”

You will be shocked, shocked I say to learn that upon seeing a sign bearing those words on the door of a home police went to whilst investigating something unrelated to drugs, they promptly obtained permission to search that home for drugs. And if that shocked you, you will doubtless fall out of your chair when I tell you that wonder of wonders, they found some drugs. Heroin, meth, and some other substances that weren’t immediately identifiable but that police believe are probably going to be drugs.

April Lavender has been charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver, while another woman, Kristie Weis, was dinged for the joyriding complaint that brought the attention of the police to them in the first place.

Keep Your Promises, And These Pumpkin Seeds

A woman in Hamilton is being questioned by the RCMP and could potentially be facing charges after engaging in a 1-sided food feud with Justin Trudeau.

A woman who threw pumpkin seeds at Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Hamilton today is being questioned by the RCMP.
Trudeau was leaving city hall after meeting with the mayor, when the woman hurled the seeds at him, shouting, “Keep your promises!”
She was immediately tackled to the ground by security.

Before the incident, the woman and a man identified as David Johnson had been seen holding a banner reading “No New Pipelines,” so it’s likely the seed tossing had something to do with that though it’s not clear to me, whoever wrote the story I’m working from or even David Johnson himself what the significance of them might be.

Smile, You’re On What Should Be A Pretty Obvious Candid Camera

Here’s one for the it’s only a matter of time files.

Police are looking for a man who got away with $75 in cash from and did about the same amount of damage to an amusement park photo booth. He shouldn’t be too hard to find, since photo booths have cameras in them. Who knew?

Batavia Police said the man went behind the curtain of a cash-operated photo booth at Funway Amusements, an indoor amusement park, and pried open the cash drawer.
Detective Kevin Bretz said this particular photo booth had built-in security.
”What the person didn’t know was, if you start to tamper with this machine in any way, it takes your picture while you’re sitting there, and we just happened to get pictures of our offender,” Bretz said.

You can see those pictures at the link above, and assuming he hasn’t already been scooped up, contact the appropriate authorities if they look familiar.

On The Bright Side, Maybe He’ll Be Able To Get Medical Marijuana For The Pain

At this point, I’m sure that everyone but the people doing it has figured out that using Facebook to set up crimes makes you a bad criminal. I’m so sure, in fact, that stories where that’s the only thing that goes wrong hardly even register with me anymore. But criminals being what they are, plenty of them still find ways to make sure that I click on those headlines whenever I see one, juuuuuuust in case.

According to court documents:
The teenager set up a drug deal on Facebook with a friend. His friend met the dealer, who showed him the marijuana he wanted. The friend grabbed the bag and ran.
The dealer and the passenger from his car chased the friend about 50 yards before the teenager — wearing a mask and showing a handgun — showed up and asked, “What’s up?”
The dealer and passenger then ran toward their car.
The teenager went to put the gun back into his pants and the weapon fired a bullet through his leg.

Though I suppose it’s technically correct, “through his leg” seems like a bit of an understated way to describe a shot that resulted in 7 hours of surgery to repair a fractured pelvis, fractured femur, severely damaged femoral artery, left groin and left buttocks.

And since no, he has not suffered enough, he now faces charges of suspicion of committing first-degree armed robbery and unlawful possession of a firearm. Two others who are believed to be his accomplices were also charged with first-degree robbery.

If Convicted, She Plans To Apeel

Even after reading three different versions of it, I’m still not quite sure what to make of this.

I don’t know if this woman was drunk, high or acting any other sort of odd beyond the bit where she decided that the nice officer wouldn’t mind if she nicked a few of his fries, but what I do know is that although I’m sure somebody somewhere will use this wee little story as an example of abuses of power in the ranks of law enforcement, if I’m ever sitting at a restaurant happily eating my lunch when suddenly a stranger waltzes up to help herself to whatever’s on my plate and I have the authority to arrest her, I’m about as certain as it gets that I’m doing so.

I also know that this woman, who’s name hasn’t been published, was charged with second degree theft for taking, as the report states, “French Fried Potato . . . quantity 3.”

I Heard They Were Extinct And I Thought I Could Help

“So, what’d you do this weekend?”

“Not too much. Paid the rent, did the laundry, watched some baseball…How about you? Did you get up to anything exciting?”

“Well, I went to the dinosaur theme park and got it on with a statue of a hatching T rex, does that count?

Police officers investigating images of a woman having sex with a dinosaur have identified a suspect after the sculpture had to be thoroughly cleaned by council workers.
Graphic images emerged showing the woman naked from her waist down on a children’s dinosaur sculpture in Exmouth last week.
She was seen mounting the baby Tyrannosaurus Rex model, who was placed in a fake egg.
The model is part of the popular local children’s attraction – the Exmouth Dino Trail.
Sergeant Richard Stonecliffe, from Exmouth Police, said: “We are still continuing our investigations and we have now identified the woman in the photographs who we will be speaking to.”

So far no charges have been laid, but surely it’s just a matter of time.

In the meantime, officials encourage everyone to keep visiting and enjoying the trail, but caution that “the dinosaurs are for looking at only and should not be touched or climbed on.”

Or humped, which really should go without saying.

Don’t The Dew

Here’s a refreshing bit of honesty or self-awareness or something.

A man caught trying to provide a fraudulent urine sample for a circuit court-mandated drug test identified himself as “Dumb Ass” when the arresting deputy asked him his first name, according to a Bay County Sheriff’s Office report. Asked if he’d just responded with “Dumb Ass,” the man answered, “Well I am, ain’t I?”

It may not be his real name, but he certainly wasn’t lying. That fraudulent urine sample? It consisted of a radiator hose filled with warm Mountain Dew, much of which he spilled on his pants.

It’s Fun To Steal From The YMCA, But It Doesn’t Pay Very Well

There’s no sound, but what you’re watching is surveillance video of a fellow who might have a tough time paying his bail when the police eventually catch up with him.

The surveillance footage, recorded Sept. 10 at the YMCA Doris Mechanick Child Development Center in Indio, shows a man drop into the playroom through the ventilation system in the ceiling and immediately target what may have appeared in the dark to be a real cash register.
The cash register was a plastic toy, however, and the cash the man fled with was worthless play money.


Police speculate that the same person may be behind other, possibly more lucrative break-ins in the area, none of which appear to have occurred at places that sell flashlights.

Today In Things We’re Supposed To Be Offended By: Scary Eyed Halloween Heads

Some of you younger folks may not believe this, but there once was a time when, though things were not perfect in this world much like they aren’t perfect now, people were allowed to have something called fun. You were allowed to eat junkfood now and again without having to hear ceaselessly about how awful it is and how fat it was going to make you, for instance. I know it’s crazy, but stay with me here. You could have the fun parts of Christmas like Santa and decorations without some nitwit complaining about how offensive the tree was. No, really. That used to be a thing. And until recently, part of the point of Halloween was to try to scare the crap out of your friends and family with cool costumes and props and then have a good hearty laugh afterwards. But that ends this year, because somebody always hates everything and everyone who might stand to lose a few bucks and suffer a couple minutes of bad publicity is too afraid to treat those people like the cranks they are and just ignore them.

Home Depot says it will pull the Scary Peeper Creeper from its shelves after a woman who saw the Halloween window decoration in a Markham, Ont., store complained it makes light of predatory behaviour against women.
Equipped with suction cups for mounting outside a window, the decoration costs $29 and features the full-sized head, face and hands of a creepy-looking, hooded man peering into a window. The decoration is made to look life-like, not cartoonish. 
The intention is to scare anyone opening the blinds from inside the house on a dark night. A description on Home Depot’s website says the Scary Peeper Creeper is “perfect for scaring friends and family during Halloween or any other time of the year.”

After spotting the decoration in the store, Breanne Hunt-Wells contacted CBC News to complain, saying the Creeper is “inappropriate and makes light of a real-life, sinister issue that women face in our society.”
“I fail to see the humour in it,” Hunt-Wells said in an interview on CBC Radio’s Metro Morning show today. “It makes light of a very serious crime. Voyeurism is a crime in Canada.”  
Hunt-Wells, a teacher and mother of two, said she has researched the issue since discovering the decoration, and said voyeurism can often escalate into sexual assaults, including rape. “This is not a harmless crime,” she said.

Yes, those are all serious crimes. But using this woman’s logic, we shouldn’t be allowed to have pumpkins on Halloween either because anyone who picks up a knife and carves one is eventually going to stab somebody to death which is going to hurt that person really bad and totally not be funny.

There are absolutely issues in our society that do need a good looking at and a serious rethinking. ‘Ol suction head here is not one of them. You all have my permission to buy as many of these things as you can find and have a good time with them, because at the end of the day, no matter what anyone else may tell you, having a good time is what life is supposed to be all about.

It’s Ontario-O-O’s New Song! What Do You Think?

When I first heard that the Ontario song was getting an update, I channeled my inner old person and cringed. What on earth were they going to do to it, and would I hate it for years to come? But I’m pleasantly surprised. I kind of like the feel of the new song.

For reference, here’s the old song.

I used to play that song on the piano…and I don’t think I was that peppy about it. It sounded kind of like what it sounds like when a kid learning the piano is set loose on a song that the teacher thinks is just basic enough that the kid might have some success, but semi-listenable enough that if the kid gets good at it, their family might be able to put up with that song over and over again…but until they get good, it’s nothing short of butchery.

And here’s the new song.

At first, I thought the girl was bored, but she got into it after a while, and you know what? I could handle this one. I especially like the bit of French at the end of the second verse. It’s a nice touch.

Although…I don’t think you could play this one on the piano and do it justice.