Category: news

I Hope You Like The TSA. I Mean Really, Really Like Them

The TSA, the United States Transportation Security Administration, has announced that it’s going to do a very government-like thing. They’re even going to give it a nice fancy name so as to avoid calling it what it is, that being something you and I would more than likely get arrested for if we tried it.

While few have noticed, U.S. airport security workers long had the option of using five different types of physical pat-downs at the screening line. Now those options have been eliminated and replaced with a single universal approach. This time, you will notice.
The new physical touching—for those selected to have a pat-down—will be be what the federal agency officially describes as a more “comprehensive” physical screening, according to a Transportation Security Administration spokesman.
Denver International Airport, for example, notified employees and flight crews on Thursday that the “more rigorous” searches “will be more thorough and may involve an officer making more intimate contact than before.”
“I would say people who in the past would have gotten a pat-down that wasn’t involved will notice that the [new] pat-down is more involved,” TSA spokesman Bruce Anderson said Friday. The shift from the previous, risk-based assessment on which pat-down procedure an officer should apply was phased in over the past two weeks after tests at smaller airports, he said.

I’ll almost certainly never get the chance to do it myself, but man oh man can I ever not wait until “I wasn’t assaulting anyone, I was simply providing a more comprehensive and involved physical screening” becomes somebody’s legal defense.

And here’s where things get worse, as if that should even be possible.

Why did I say that this is a very government-like thing? That would be because the reason the TSA feels the need to ramp the groping level up from let’s go back to my place after dinner to you might want to get yourself tested is because it’s original molestation program wasn’t working well enough. NO, really.

The change is partly a result of the agency’s study of a 2015 report that criticized aspects of TSA screening procedures. That audit, by the Department of Homeland Security’s Inspector General, drew headlines because airport officers had failed to detect handguns and other weapons. An additional change prompted by the report was the TSA’s decision to end its “managed inclusion” program, by which some everyday travelers were allowed to use PreCheck lanes to speed things up at peak times.

“Dammit, we’re not finding enough weaponry in nutsacks and hoo-has! We must redouble our efforts, tighten our gloves and go deeper into those nutsacks and hoo-has! Those guns are in there somewhere!”

“But what if we’re going about things the wrong way…”

“Shut up and get your elbow into that man’s ass! And don’t forget to take off your watch.”

That has to be how this decision was made. It’s pretty clear after all these years that almost nothing this agency does is based on common sense or actually trying to make things safer.

A Real Uber Driver Will Never Try To Negotiate A Price Or Ask You for Cash

Normally when one of us writes about a scam, we’re doing it because we want to either laugh at an incompetent one or at the people who fall for an obvious one. But right now I’m going to be completely serious because I know that even as popular as it is, there are a lot of people out there who have no idea how Uber works.

I don’t know how widespread this is, but there’s no way in hell that this fella in Guelph is the first or the last person to try it. It’s far too obvious a con to have not at least been attempted somewhere before now.

Guelph Police say it all started around 2:30 a.m. Tuesday, when two women leaving a restaurant accepted a ride “from a man who was posing as an Uber driver.”
When the women arrived at their destination on Victoria Road, the driver allegedly demanded more money than he had originally agreed on.

At that point, police say, the upset driver grabbed a water bottle and threw it through a window.

He was captured and charged shortly thereafter, so he won’t be out giving repeat performances right away at worst or ever again at best.

But the reason I’m writing this is because as easy a scam as this is to pull off, it’s equally simple to spot before you get sucked in.

Basically, the moment your driver starts talking to you about a price, you’re being lied to. If he asks you for cash or a credit card, you’re being lied to. Neither of these things happen in a legitimate Uber transaction. Everything is handled through the Uber app. It’s both how you call for a ride and how you pay for it. You give your credit card number to the app, which then times your trip while you’re on the road like a taxi metre and then bills you when you’re done. You and your driver have no reason to discuss money unless your conversation turns to the stock market.

That’s not to say that everyone who claims to drive for Uber and offers you a ride out of the blue is a liar. I’d bet most of them are, but it’s possible. And if that happens, you’ll know he’s for real when he tells you to open the app and book a ride to wherever you are even though he’s sitting right next to you. He’ll do that because that’s how legitimate Uber drivers get paid the proper amount for their work. If he doesn’t, offer to do it and watch his reaction. If he’s hesitant and tries to talk you out of it, it’s because he’s full of shit and not a ride you want to accept.

Hopefully this clears things up before any of you run into a situation like this.

They Could Have Saved Themselves A Whole Lot Of Words By Just Writing Fore!

So this is one of the weirder recall notices I think I’ve ever seen. I have nothing more to add. Seriously, once you read the first sentence, nothing else in the world will matter. You’ll just be sitting here like I am, laughing and wondering what the fuck was going on at this factory.

McCain Foods USA, Inc. announced today it is voluntarily recalling retail, frozen hash brown products that may be contaminated with extraneous golf ball materials, that despite our stringent supply standards may have been inadvertently harvested with potatoes used to make this product. Consumption of these products may pose a choking hazard or other physical injury to the mouth.
The impacted products include the following: Roundy’s Brand, 2 lb. Bag of Frozen Southern Style Hash Browns (UPC 001115055019) and Harris Teeter Brand, 2 lb. Bag of Frozen Southern Style Hash Browns (UPC 007203649020).
The Roundy’s products were distributed at Marianos, Metro Market, and Pick ‘n Save supermarkets in the states of Illinois and Wisconsin. The Harris Teeter products were distributed in the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, District of Columbia, Delaware, Florida, Georgia and Maryland. Distribution occurred after the date of January 19, 2017. No other products under the respective brands are impacted by this recall.
The products being recalled were manufactured on January 19, 2017. The production code date is B170119 and can be found on the back of the packaging. Any product with a different production code date is not impacted by this recall.
Consumers who have purchased these products are urged not to consume them. These products should be thrown away or returned to the place of purchase.
There have been no reported injuries associated with the consumption of this product.
Food safety remains a top priority for McCain Foods USA, Inc. and we have full confidence that all appropriate steps are being taken to protect our consumers. McCain is working cooperatively with the Food & Drug Administration and the respective supermarkets to ensure the affected products are removed from the marketplace.
Consumers with concerns or questions about the recall should contact McCain Foods USA, Inc. at 630- 857-4533 (Monday – Sunday, 8 a.m. – 5 p.m. CST).

Fake Name, Real Fool

Today’s handy criminal tip: If you’re going to give a police officer a false name, maybe make sure you’re not still wearing the employee ID that has your real one on it.

Police say 24-year-old Keyonna M. Waters was reportedly parked in a fire lane at the Liberty Plaza Shopping Center when an officer on patrol made contact with her. When asked for her information, police say Waters gave a fake name. The officer, however, noticed that Waters was wearing a name tag from her job with the name “Keyonna Waters” on it. Running that name through the computer system confirmed her identify, police said.

The mystery of why she would be so eager to make up a name was also an easy one to solve, as the charges she was hit with included driving with a suspended or revoked license.

You Deserve A Broken Face Today

Mom won’t let me stay at her house anymore. I’m so pissed! So sad! How can I change her mind? I need to make this better. What can I do? Wait, I’ve got it! This’ll fix everything! We’ll be a happy family again!

The two women got in a fight after the mom told her daughter she could no longer stay at her home, said IMPD Officer Aaron Hamer. The mom drove her daughter to someone else’s house, but on the way, the daughter changed her mind about where she wanted to go.

The 60-year-old mother told officers her daughter, 39, started yelling at her, so she stopped at the McDonald’s drive-thru. The daughter was screaming and yelling as they drove, Hamer said.
After stopping in the parking lot so other passengers in the car could use the bathroom, the mother told police her daughter said she wished her mom would die, Hamer said.

“While her daughter was seated in the front passenger seat she took a bite out of her cheeseburger,” Hamer said. “The victim stated her daughter yelled ‘B—h I outta kill you’ and hit her in the left side of her face with her hand and the cheeseburger.”

Proving that things more than likely happened as mom said they did was fairly easy, as it’s doubtful she hit herself with a cheeseburger hard enough to cause redness, swelling and a case of ketchup and mustard shirt. But police are still investigating the case, perhaps because the article ends like so.

The daughter got into another driver’s vehicle and fled the scene, Hamer said.

Seriously, that’s how it ends. Who is this driver? Do they know each other? Was he a willing participant? Did she carjack somebody? You bet I’ll be keeping an eye on this one, at least as much as I can with no names having been released.

It’s Me, Grandma. The Ghost Of Dumbshit Present

There are a lot of better ones, but on the surface at least, sending a fake obituary to the newspaper to throw the police off your trail maybe isn’t the absolute dirt worst idea in the world. but if you’re going to do that, you’re going to need to leave a contact number because the paper is going to want to confirm things before they run it. And if you’re going to need to leave a contact number, you’re going to want to let the person who owns that number know that you’re dead so that when the call comes, they can give the right answer.

The Beaver County Times reports that an obituary for 21-year-old Anastasia Kline was submitted to The Times via email Wednesday night. The obituary, which was sent from an email address containing Kline’s full name, claimed she died “unexpectedly” on Tuesday afternoon.

The obituary included Kline’s grandmother’s phone number for contact information, and when The Times reached out, her grandmother said Kline was not dead. The Times also reached out to local coroner’s and medical examiner’s offices and were unable to verify Kline’s death.

The list of offenses she’s wanted for includes theft, passing bad checks and forgery. If she was as detail-oriented with all that as she was here, it’s no mystery why the cops are on to her.

United Breaks My Brain A Bit, But At Least Its Trying A Little Harder To Say Sorry

CEO says airline will not use police to remove passengers in the wake of a video that showed a forcible removal of a Chicago passenger on Sunday

Probably a good idea, but here’s a better one. Count the number of seats in each plane, then sell the same number of tickets. It’s not rocket science, though maybe airplane science is more difficult somehow, I dunno.

United Airlines will no longer use law enforcement officers to remove overbooked passengers from aircraft in the wake of a video that showed a Chicago passenger dragged from one of its flights on Sunday.
“We’re not going to put a law enforcement official… to remove a booked, paid, seated passenger,” United Continental Holdings Inc Chief Executive Officer Oscar Munoz told ABC News on Wednesday morning. “We can’t do that.”
Munoz said the problem resulted from a “system failure” that prevented employees from using “common sense” in the situation and that Dr. David Dao, whom security officers dragged by his hands, on his back, from the cabin before takeoff, was not at fault.

It’s nice he’s finally apologizing, but one small thing.

“Munoz said the problem resulted from a “system failure” that prevented employees from using “common sense” in the situation…”

What does he mean by system failure? A computer system? I know that even the most sensible of people can get a little squirrelly when a computer gets involved, but with all these supposedly highly trained professionals on the case, how do we get from that to having the cops kick the shit out of a guy who knows not from your software package and just wants to go home?

Or maybe he meant system failure as in procedures put in place by the company he leads that don’t allow for enough flexibility to treat customers like dignified human beings, which is much, much worse. It’s also not a minor mistake. It’s the inevitable result of policies that are specifically designed to favour revenue and compliance over customer experience and morality.

Either way, it’s a shame that Oscar Munoz has no plans to resign. If he truly cares about the company, that’s his only choice. The company was awful long before he took the job in 2015, but this one’s on him. Truly good leadership starts from the top down, and there’s no possible way that anyone can ever have confidence in leadership again while he’s still on top.

United Breaks Faces, Any Pretense Of Giving A Shit

Listen. We’ve all had a lot of fun with the whole United Breaks thing and we all know that United can go fuck itself right along with basically every other airline, but there are almost no words for this.

Please share this video. We are on this flight. United airlines overbooked the flight. They randomly selected people to kick off so their crew could have a seat. This man is a doctor and has to be at the hospital in the morning. He did not want to get off. We are all shaky and so disgusted. #unitedairways -To use this video in a commercial player or in broadcasts, please email licensing@storyful.com-

Posted by Audra D. Bridges on Sunday, April 9, 2017

Quiz time. The distressed fellow in that video:
A: Got past security and made his way onto a plane he had no right to be on and then didn’t want to leave.
B: Got a little carried away at the airport lounge/beverage cart and had become unruly.
C: Was a paying customer with somewhere to be who wasn’t having any of United’s we overbooked the plane nonsense.

No, you don’t want to believe it but yes, you know the answer.

Passenger Audra Bridges, who uploaded a video of the incident to Facebook, told the newspaper that United initially offered customers $400 and a hotel room if they offered to take a flight the next day at 3pm. Nobody chose to give up the seat that they paid for, so United upped the ante to $800 after passengers boarded, announcing that the flight would not leave until four stand-by United employees had seats. After there were still no takers, a manager allegedly told passengers that a computer would select four passengers to be kicked off the flight.

The man in the video apparently claimed to be a doctor who had appointments with patients the next morning. After he refused to give up his seat, Bridges says a security official threw him “against the armrest before dragging him out of the plane.” According to Bridges, the seemingly disoriented man came back onto the plane with blood on his face and the crew asked passengers to go back to the gate so that United crew could “tidy up” the plane.

Yes, there’s video of him getting back on the plane. No, he definitely doesn’t seem right.

And you know what else isn’t right? Literally everything United did to cause this situation and everything it’s done since. I mean just look at this garbage statement from CEO Oscar Munoz.

“This is an upsetting event to all of us here at United,” CEO Oscar Munoz said in a statement. “I apologize for having to re-accommodate these customers. Our team is moving with a sense of urgency to work with authorities and conduct our own detailed review of what happened.”
“We are also reaching out to this passenger to talk directly to him and further address and resolve this situation,” he added in the statement.

Having to re-accommodate these customers? Fuck off, dude. Seriously. Fuck! Off! You had to do nothing of the sort. You could have found those employees another plane. You could have rented them a car. Bought them bus tickets. Paid for a cab. Put them on a train. Given them hitchhiking lessons. The only thing you absolutely had to do was anything it took to avoid beating up paying customers for expecting you to provide the service they paid you to provide, and of course you didn’t do it. Why? Because as we’ve gone over time and time again, you suck.

I don’t know if your victim is a doctor or not, but what I hope he is is a man with the will and the resources to sue you hideous rumpdongles so far back in time that the stone age looks up from whatever it’s doing and says “holy shit, did you see those dickheads that just whizzed bye?”

If Only Our Heads Were As Loaded As Our Guns

I know some people don’t like it, but there’s a reason why the term gun nut exists. But since I’m a fair man, I’ll make you a deal. If you can come up with a better word than nut for someone who chooses to show his support for the second amendment by waltzing into a police station armed to the teeth and wearing military gear while his buddy films the whole thing, I’ll stop using it. Good luck.

Dearborn police said in a statement that officers responded to Ford Road and Southfield Freeway near a shopping center “to investigate a report of two suspicious men in a vehicle wearing tactical vests and masks” prior to the incident at the police station on Sunday.
“The subjects left the area before police arrived on scene,” police said. “A short time later, a Dearborn police sergeant on patrol observed the subjects’ occupied vehicle in a park approximately 3 miles away.
” … The occupants of the vehicle were dressed in heavy tactical vests and the passenger, who refused to speak to the sergeant, was wearing a balaclava mask which covered his face.”
No guns were spotted during the traffic stop and the sergeant released the vehicle. The men then drove to the police station and walked inside.
“Dude, put that on the ground,” an officer can be heard saying shortly after the two men enter the police station. “Put it on the ground or you are dead … I will shoot you. I will put a round in you, sir.”
The camera goes to the ground and screen goes black as the officers continue ordering the man to drop both the rifle and another handgun.
“It’s all legal, sir,” one of the men is heard saying.
“I’m unarmed, you stop pointing your (expletive) gun at me,” the other man says. ” … I’m here to file a complaint.”
Police say the men ultimately surrendered and were arrested.
Police seized: a loaded AP-14 firearm and a rifle magazine containing 47 rounds; a loaded Glock 19 handgun with four additional magazines; body armor and ballistic vests; a mask; a gun belt and several pieces of camera equipment.
Also recovered was an AR-15 rifle along with a AK-47 style rifle.

Here’s video of the traffic stop in question. They don’t come off well in it either, shockingly.

Come to think of it, maybe there are better terms than gun nut. Gun imbecile, maybe. Gun moron? Gun Dunderhead? Death wish possessor?

Whatever you want to call James Baker and Brandon Vreeland, they’re lucky to be alive. They’re also lucky to have been set free after each posting a mere $1500 bond.

Signaling that all gun people aren’t entirely batshit, even the president of one of the local gun rights groups wants no part of these nitwits, issuing a no, these aren’t some of ours that got loose statement following the incident.

On Monday, the Dearborn Police Department and a statewide open carry group condemned the two men’s action as irresponsible and reckless.
“I find this behavior totally unacceptable and irresponsible,” Police Chief Ronald Haddad said in a statement Monday afternoon. “This is not a 2nd Amendment issue for me. We had members of the public in our lobby that fled in fear for their safety as these men entered our building.”
Tom Lambert, president of Michigan Open Carry Inc., a gun-rights group, issued a statement supporting the police handling of the incident.
“Let us be clear, Michigan Open Carry Inc. in no way supports the actions of these individuals,” Lambert said. “It is our belief that their actions were reckless and primarily designed to draw attention and a response.”
Lambert said his group advocates the lawful open carrying of a holstered handgun for the purposes of self-defense, noting thousands of people do it every day without incident.

A lot of things can be said about the police, some of them justifiably negative. But you can’t do anything but give these ones credit for how they handled this. Things could have easily gone very differently than they did and it would have been difficult to fault the officers if they had. But instead, everyone gets to go home happy and these clowns get to live to be the dumbest of dumbfucks another day. Everybody wins. Well, kind of.

Follow Your Arrow To Jail

I figure I might as well ruin two songs with this case.

Remember the story about the guy getting shot with an arrow? Well, a few days ago, Eric Amaral pleaded guilty, and is going away for a long time.

When they charged him with the murder, there was a small part of me that was worried that maybe they had no idea who did it, the public was all scared, and when this guy was dumb enough to shoot a cop with a pellet gun, he turned into an easy target, har. But after reading this article, I don’t think that anymore.

What kind of wacko uses a random dude for “target practice”? If I thought the words “For all we know, the attacker just wanted to watch someone go down.” would give me chills, this little paragraph certainly does.

The Kitchener man admitted he was in the bush of Breithaupt Park shooting at targets with his crossbow when he saw Gibbon walking on the sidewalk. Amaral got down on one knee and fired.

*shiver*.

There was a sick part of me that was amused by the fact that the thing that allowed police to meet up with Amaral was the guy forgetting his passport at home. The theme of trying to catch a plane and forgetting my passport has become a new recurring nightmare I have. I didn’t know people *actually* did that in real life.

It sounds like this guy is where he belongs.