If We Add An Extra L He’ll Be Extra Good At It

I can only theorize that if you look at your newborn son and say to yourself “he looks like a Fellony,” either you already know you don’t like him or that you have insights about the future the rest of us don’t. And considering how things have been going for Fellony with two Ls Hudson, option two seems like a good place to put the smart money. Good call, mom and dad.

Gresham police said the incident began around 7:30 p.m. Tuesday when a caller reported seeing a man hit a woman in a vehicle that was driving recklessly northbound on C Street in Vancouver.
The witness told police the driver seemed high on drugs. The witness said the vehicle was a Dodge Caliber with Oregon license plates.
Police ran the licenses plate number and determined the vehicle was stolen out of Portland about a week ago.
A probable cause affidavit says a Vancouver police officer attempted to stop the vehicle by activating his overhead lights and sirens. Police said the vehicle slowed, but there appeared to be a physical struggle between the driver and the passenger before the vehicle continued driving.
Police reported in the document that the passenger opened the vehicle door and tried to jump from the moving vehicle four times.
The driver, later identified as Fellony Edward Hudson, would grab her, pull her toward him and close the door each time.
Police said this happened while Hudson drove at speeds of 50 to 80 miles per hour.
Authorities pursued the suspect Hudson onto Interstate 84.
When Gresham police joined the pursuit, there were already 10 vehicles pursuing the suspect in the car, police said.
Police said Hudson got out of the car on SE Stark Street and started running north. Officers caught up with him in the parking lot of the Weston Car Dealership and took him into custody.

All of that, according to the police department, is good for felony with one L charges of kidnapping, assault, possession of a stolen vehicle, attempt to elude by vehicle, reckless driving, DUII(driving under the influence of intoxicants), and attempt to elude on foot.

Hudson, who told police that the reason he didn’t stop was because the cops are “known to kill people,” was found by a drug recognition expert to be under the influence of both meth and heroin at the time. A surefire path toward continuing to live up to his birth certificate, that.

Ass Bucket Challenge

Here comes another one out of the rusty and dusty pile of old blog ideas that I’ve been keeping around for way too long, but part of this is kind of timeless.

Back in 2014, when everyone was throwing buckets of icy water on their heads to raise money for ALS research for the Ice Bucket Challenge, a few of those challenges went horribly wrong. We wrote about the guy who got water thrown on his head from a firefighter plane, and I read about some firefighters who got zapped when the ladder they were using to hoist the ice bucket over the college students got a little too close to power. But there was one twisted story that happened at that time that really bothered me.

Some asshole teenagers in Ohio thought they had a good idea for a prank. They decided to trick some kid into participating in the ice bucket challenge, but that’s not what they had in mind. Instead, they dumped a bucket full of urine, cigarette buts and who knows what else on him. The best defense they could come up with was they didn’t know he had autism. Oh really? Let’s take this argument apart piece by piece. So, you would try and trick any old kid into that? You weren’t picking on him at all? And somehow, it would be ok to dump that stuff on someone if they didn’t have autism? What if they didn’t have autism, but had some other disability, would it be ok then? If he didn’t have any disability, what would the defense be? You thought he would find it fun too? Whether or not he had autism, throwing a bucket full of disgusting bodily fluids is assault, and pretty horrible. The kids were sentenced to community service, and one of the kids even said he wanted to work with kids with autism so he could learn more about it. Riiiiight. You really expect the judge to buy that? You don’t think he would take that opportunity to come in contact with more kids he could bully when he was off the clock and not under supervision? I hope he didn’t actually get to do that as part of his community service. Those kids who did that should be as far from vulnerable people as possible.

I will never know, but I am so curious what the lawyers would have come up with as these kids’ defense if the victim was just some kid they liked to bully, and whether it would have been accepted. It seems as soon as you have a disability, all common decency goes straight out the window and anything is acceptable under the umbrella of “I didn’t know!” Really! You would reach between anyone’s legs to pet their dog? You would herd people physically like sheep? You would talk to the people in line around the person you’re talking to and not them just for fun? You would not take the person’s word for anything they say at all? You would ask them how they can possibly be employed? People with disabilities shouldn’t be such an alien concept where all things are acceptable and the excuse they can give is “I didn’t know.”

I’m Afraid They Maytag Her As A Bad Parent

Whenever I think about this poor, poor kid, after I can let out my breath, all I can think of are two things. The washing machines in the apartment building are so deep that in order for me to reach the bottom, I have to almost climb in to get everything, so Steve helps me out so I don’t go head over heels into the machine. Second, an old Radio-Free Vestibule sketch that I saw late one night on TV goes through my head. I can’t find it anywhere on the internet, so I’m basically going to have to write it down.

A man walks into a laundromat and is looking around. He flags down a woman, explains that he’s never done laundry in his life and doesn’t know how, asking her for help. She hurriedly tells him the instructions for using the machines are on the inside of the lids and walks off. He opens the lid and reads something like “to do laundry, follow these five easy steps.
1. Put clothes in machine.”
*dumps clothes in machine*
“2. add deturgent.”
*adds deturgent*
“3. Close lid.”
*closes lid*
At this point, he is left staring at the closed lid of the washer, realizing the rest of the instructions are on the inside of the lid. He says “uh-oh…” and the sketch ends. It’s much funnier when they do it.

Sadly, what happened in this story would cause us to use much stronger words than “uh-oh.”

One afternoon, Brooke Haney fell asleep while watching her children. One of the toddlers went to play in the washing machine. Check out this little snippet of the story.

The young children in the home told police they were used to helping with the laundry.
The washing machine, which the family used as a dirty clothes hamper, was programmed to switch on when the lid closed. After the clothes were clean, one child would climb into the open machine and pass the wet clothes to another, who would then toss them into the dryer.
Alexis closed the lid — and hot water started to pour in.
Authorities said she died from “scaling and thermal injuries,” according to a probable cause affidavit filed earlier this week in Calhoun County Circuit Court.

*shiver*.

There are so many things wrong with that whole thing. Kids that age are doing laundry, they’re doing it like that, and mom is knocked out while this is going on.

I don’t have much else to say except “eek,” and I hope the washing machine doesn’t sing a cute little song when it’s done. That would just give it that extra creepy horror movie factor.

The Pain In My Brain Is Caused Mainly By The Cane

Meet another group of police officers who need to learn the difference between a white cane and a weapon. This happened last year in Winnipeg, but I finally got around to writing it down.

It seems that Steven Stairs was walking from a bar to a payphone, and he had the misfortune of being in the same area where they were looking for a man with a concealed weapon. He had an ID cane on his hip, and they thought it was a weapon. They asked him to stop, but being legally blind, he didn’t know they were talking to him, so kept moving, and that’s when they tackled him. They say he was drunk and disorderly. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know, but I would at least be disorderly if I was suddenly tackled by a bunch of unknown folks for doing absolutely nothing. Come on, wouldn’t you?

An ID cane
Yeah, that is a scary weapon…if you’re a toddler maybe.

The “dangerous weapon” in question, if his ID cane looks like any other ID cane I’ve ever seen, was one of these. You can’t even use these things as a proper cane to tap obstacles, because you’ll probably break it. I’m sure if you really tried you might be able to bruise someone with one of these, but that’s if you’re really trying, and if they stood there long enough to let you.

In my googling to figure out if Stairs has followed up on his legal action he wanted to take against the police, I found out that this happened to another guy way back in 1989. This time, some police officers in California mistook the guy’s folded cane for a set of nunchakus. Ok, cops, let’s sit down and do a little comparison.

set of nunchakus
Not a white cane, though it would make getting through crowds much easier.

folded white cane
Dishing out beatings…to the ground as intended.

The officers thought because his eyes were open and he seemed to be looking at them, he wasn’t blind, even though his eyes were milky in colour. Ok, while we’re at it, watch this here video.

I wish I could find the old CNIB “not everyone who looks blind is totally blind” commercial, but it has been lost to history. Anyway, are we good now?

I know that sometimes police have to make split-second decisions and they think they see something that turns out to be not what they thought it was, but some of this stuff feels completely unnecessary. In all of these cases, people were walking, using a payphone and standing at a bus stop. None of them were running, lunging aggressively, or doing anything that would make the officer feel threatened, judging from the descriptions. In the case of the bus stop guy, why assume he can see your uniform. Identify yourself as police, and ask a couple of questions to make him realize you’re talking to him, and you’d soon find out that’s a cane, feel foolish and walk away, without needing to clonk the guy with your baton. In the case of the pay phone guy, say something specific like “Sir, this is the police, put down the phone.” to make him realize “gees, that’s for me and I should listen up,” and you could have likely been able to have a conversation. If I hear someone yelling “Stop!”, I’m not going to assume that’s for me unless you’re super close to me, and heck, I might want to get out of there faster in case some shit’s going to go down that I don’t want to witness in an up close and personal way. But I’m not running away because I’m evading you, I didn’t realize you were yelling for me.

I’m pretty sure police get some kind of awareness training to do with disabilities, but I’m starting to think it should be refreshed like CPR training so maybe a few less of us get our heads caved in unnecessarily.

The Fondling Is A Value-Added Service, But If You Don’t Want It You Can Squish Your Ass In Here

You have a problem with guys boarding airplanes and forgetting the old preschool lesson about keeping their hands to themselves. Do you:
A: Ignore it and hope it goes away because how bad can it be, really? The media often overblows things.
B: Remind everyone over the loudspeaker during the announcements that it’s not ok to be a gropey piece of shit?
C: Make a small, women who don’t want to be touched only section in the cheap seats so that the real problem doesn’t have to change its behaviour?

Following several instances of reported harassment on their flights, Air India is implementing a plan to mark two rows on every flight as “women only.”
The Hindu reports that there will be no additional fee for booking one of the special seats set aside for female passengers, though there aren’t very many:
“We will be reserving the third row — six seats — in the economy class of the aircraft for female passengers travelling alone,” said Air India general manager-revenue management Meenakshi Malik. “We feel, as national carriers, it is our responsibility to enhance comfort level to female passengers. There are a lot of female passengers who travel alone with us and we will be blocking a few seats for them.”

Are You Happy To See Me Or Did You Leave Weed In Your Gitch Again

Let’s mark this one down as a good try. And when I say good, of course what I actually mean is what a terrible, terrible try.

A Port St. Lucie police officer about 11:20 p.m. spotted a “suspicious vehicle/parking violation” involving a Chevrolet Silverado in the 600 block of Southeast Majestic Terrace.
An officer smelled burned marijuana wafting from the vehicle.
Investigators say the passenger, 32-year-old Tyce Fields, had a violation of probation warrant and was taken into custody.
An officer reported extracting a bag of marijuana from Fields’s “groin area.”
“Tyce stated that he didn`t know the cannabis was on him because he recently changed underpants,” a report states.

Have You Checked Your Nose?

I don’t know this for an absolute fact, but if you put a gun to my head and told me to guess I’m pretty sure I’d tell you that yes, David Blackmon was more than likely getting high on his own supply. If not his own, then somebody’s. Why else would he have called the cops, told them his job was drug dealer and then gone on to report the theft of cash and cocaine? Cocaine that, as it turns out, was right where he left it.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County…

Posted by Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office on Monday, July 17, 2017

Just in case anything ever happens to that Facebook post, here’s what it says.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office Sunday morning to report that someone had stolen a baggie of cocaine and cash from his car.
32-year old David Blackmon of 119 Carson Drive, who identified himself as a drug dealer, told the responding deputy that someone entered his car while it was parked at 400 Ed Street and stole $50.00 and about a quarter ounce of cocaine off the center console.
The deputy however spotted cocaine still in that spot. He also found a crack pipe on the floorboard by the driver’s door and seat and a crack rock on the center console by the cocaine. The money was not located.
Blackmon is charged with possession of cocaine, resisting arrest without violence, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

During his arrest, Blackmon, who is currently free on $4,000 bond, wondered aloud why the officer, if he had found the supposedly stolen drugs, let him keep talking.

Come on, man. Obviously it’s because he was making conversation while he tried to help you find your cash. That’s just common sense.

Squirt Squirt. I Hit The Target! Yeah! Squirt Squirt

Aside from “gross!”, I don’t have all that much to add here.

Brian Dijon Boyd, 27, was arrested Sunday afternoon in connection with a series of vile encounters at a Target in Tampa, according to a police report.
Store surveillance video recorded Boyd “knowingly and intentionally squirting white in color hair conditioner” on the “back and buttocks area” of four unsuspecting female victims. As he crept up on the women, Boyd has his sweat pants “pulled down away from the waist area” and was “stroking what appeared to be his penis.”

When police attempted to pull him aside for a little that was wrong, you should not have done that style chateroo, Boyd made a run for it but was quickly apprehended.

He now faces several charges including battery and indecent exposure. He was jailed with bond set at $6,000, which seems high but likely has something to do with his lengthy criminal history which, among other things, hilariously includes prior arrests for both carrying a concealed weapon and exposure of sexual organs.

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Gonna Cruise On Home

In case you were wondering (god I hope you’re not), there are no good times to steal a police cruiser. There are only bad times and worse times, And one of the worst times of all is when the cruiser on which you have your eye is sitting in the parking lot of its police station with an officer inside of it.

It happened about 5 a.m. on July 17 as Officer Robie Troutman was in his patrol vehicle at the main police station writing a report, according to his report.
“While in my vehicle, I heard the rear passenger side door handle make noise and then the front passenger side door handle make noise, where I was positioned seated in the driver seat of my clearly marked Fort Pierce Police Department Patrol vehicle,” the report said.

Troutman opened his door and reported seeing a man later identified as Aaron Orlando Rodriguez III run away and hide behind another vehicle.

When he was arrested which didn’t take long because it’s amazing how quickly the cops can get to you when you come to them first, he was found to be carrying two cell phones, a portable speaker, $20 and the best chance we have of explaining any of this, a pipe containing marijuana residue.

When questioned, Rodriguez told officers that he tried to take the vehicle because it was running and he wanted a ride home.

Should have dropped that 20 bucks on a cab, dude.