by Steve Wettlaufer -

Next Time, Vote GOP! Grand Old Penis!

Police officers responded to a call from the Forest Hills station in Jamaica Plain at approximately 12:15 a.m. regarding a man, later identified as James Sacchetti, exposing himself to an adult woman on a train. Sacchetti, 30, allegedly approached the woman and initiated a conversation about the election. Assuming she voted for Hillary Clinton, he implied that her decision was a poor choice, according to police.
When the woman responded by telling him that her vote was her personal business, he allegedly stood up from his seat, unbuckled his belt, and lowered his pants and underwear to expose himself to her. He then exited the train at Forest Hills.

His appearing to be a Trump supporter kind of ruins my joke about how he was just trying to show her a reasonable facsimile of the dick his stupid country somehow voted into office, but I’m going to go ahead and make it anyway.

Sacchetti was apprehended by police while still in the train station and charged with open and gross lewdness.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Trigger Warning

People shoot themselves this way with stunning regularity, but rarely are those people as aptly named as Jason Trigger.

Trigger, 35, was in a Dollar General store in Hudson when a handgun fell from his waistband, hit the floor and fired into his right ankle, according to Bay News 9.

He left before paramedics arrived and went to hospital, where he was taken into custody, according to WFLA.

The reason he was taken into custody is that beyond his lack of common sense dictating that he maybe shouldn’t have a gun, the law had already dictated that he absolutely wasn’t supposed to. Thanks to multiple arrests for crimes ranging from possession of cocaine, grand theft, resisting an officer and arson, he was a felon in possession of a firearm, which police were happy to add to his list.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

The Bank Just Figured Out How To Get You To Like It More. A Dancing Robot


Should you find yourself both in Calgary and in need of a bank, there’s a chance you could be greeted by…that thing.

ATB Financial has teamed up with SoftBank Robotics America to unleash Pepper, a friendly 3-wheeled robot designed to make the banking experience better or something. They say that she is capable of recognizing human emotions (that ought to be fun) and that her purpose is to “draw more people into the bank and provide them with a fun and engaging experience that keeps them coming back.”

Alrighty.

Pepper’s interactions will be fairly basic at first.
The three-wheeled robot will be able to dance, recommend products and services, pose for selfies and interact with people via a mounted touch screen tablet, or verbally in several different languages.

I like how they just sorta slip recommend products and services in there between all the pictures and the dancing and the interactivity.

Why is this happening? Why is the bank becoming an arcade with ads? That’s because the company’s research (Research I say!) has shown that people think banks kinda suck.

ATB Financial says it partnered with SoftBank Robotics America after customer research found many people carry a lack of trust and high levels of discomfort in dealing with the banking industry.

“We found out that there’s some people who don’t really love banking, and don’t love coming into banks,” Boga said. “We want to bring happiness to people using banking.”

You know what would make people happy about the bank? Being honest and fair with them and not dinging the everloving bejeezling shit out of them on every transaction, you motherfuckers! Or you could let them take selfies with a commercial slinging robot that knows their names. Whatever works.

“Wait wait wait…what’d you just say, Steve?”

Well, I was about to say that option two sounds a lot like something somebody who just “found out” that a not insignificant number of folks believe that dealing with giant financial institutions traverses the universe in search of new dicks to suck would do, but I get the sense you’re wondering about something else.

“Yes, we are. What was that thing about our names?”

Oh that.

Yes, eventually the plan is that Pepper will know everything in order to shill more efficiently.

But ATB has hinted that Pepper’s functionality could eventually be expanded by connecting it to an artificially intelligent system. This would allow the robot to perform biometric authentication via the camera installed in its head, making it possible for Pepper to address customers by name and provide them with personalized banking recommendations based on their stored customer information.

You know, that personal, one-on-one service in every bank commercial you’ve ever seen.

The company insists that Pepper is not intended to replace human jobs, but rather to allow the human staff to engage on a more personal level with customers. As for what exactly that means, you’ve got me. A bit of small talk and some attempted upselling pretty well sums up every meeting with a bank human I’ve ever had, so I’m not sure what’s left. And now that I think about it, none of them have ever done a little dance and taken a picture with me at the end, so advantage robot.

If I were a banking human I just got a wee bit nervous, and I may have also signed up for some dance classes and photography lessons on my way home. You know, so I’ll at least have the smallest snowball’s chance of keeping that job I’m totally not being automated out of.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Her Text Said Sure, I’ll Drop In In A Minute

So much for the older the wiser, and for the it’s only young folks that spend their lives glued to their phones not paying attention stereotype.

First it was the 80-year-old man plowing into a police car that was on a distracted driving patrol, and now a 67-year-old woman has fallen six feet down an open sidewalk maintenance hatch.

Surveillance video captured the moment a woman in Plainfield glanced down at her cell phone before she tripped over open sidewalk doors and fell six feet into the space beneath them.
According to Plainfield police, units responded just after 12 p.m. on Thursday to the area in front of Acme Windows on Somerset Street on report of a woman injured.
There police found the 67-year-old woman, who they removed from the space beneath the open doors.

She was taken to hospital with what were only described as serious but non-life-threatening injuries.

Odd little side note: Both of these cases come from New Jersey. Coincidence? Or are the elderly mental defectives there more tech savvy than the ones in the rest of the country?

by Steve Wettlaufer -

United Breaks Violinists

Though the reasons why remain a mystery, we’ve known for quite some time that United Airlines and the industry in general clearly has something against musicians who play stringed instruments.

It’s happened again, this time to violinist Yennifer Correia who wound up in a literal fight over her 17th century instrument with a supervisor of all things after being told by an agent that she’d have to check it.

Correia, a classical violinist on her way to play in the summer season at the Missouri Symphony Orchestra, asked for an airport supervisor. But the supervisor said there were no other options. The violin had to be checked.
Her attorney, Phil MacNaughton, recounted what happened from there. Correia told the supervisor, “I can’t not take my violin on board. I’ll pay the money. I’ll take another flight. Just tell me what I can do.”
As the altercation intensified, Correia told the agents that she would appeal to their bosses and asked the supervisor for her name, MacNaughton said. The supervisor said she wanted Correia’s name and reached for the tag on her luggage.
“Without provocation, the supervisor for the Chicago-based carrier then lunged for Ms. Correia’s case and, incredibly, tried to wrestle it away from the musician,” said a statement written by MacNaughton.
“I start screaming, ‘Help, help, help, can somebody record what’s happening because this lady’s trying to take my personal suitcase from me,’” Correia told Houston NBC-affiliate KPRC.
The supervisor said she was going to call security, and Correia apparently responded, “Please do.” Then the supervisor dashed off. That was the last Correia saw of her.

None of this should have been a problem since there are laws on the books in the United States that allow musicians to carry their instruments onto planes with them, a fact of which you would think someone working for a damn airline would be well aware. Sometimes you get to wondering if United just can’t help itself, don’t you?

Thankfully, Correia’s violin was unharmed. Her hand, not so much. She says it was injured enough during the scuffle that she went to see a specialist juuuuuust in case, but not enough to prevent her from making her trip…on American airlines.

United offered up its usual statement, which at this point it really ought to consider plastering on the side of every plane to save time.

“We’re disappointed anytime a customer has an experience that does not live up to his or her expectation. We are reaching out to Ms. Correia to gain a better understanding of what occurred and to offer assistance.”

So far, no pathetic make good offer has been extended, but I imagine those discounted flight vouchers and free sandwich coupons should be in the mail any day now.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Chuck Shepherd Is Retiring From News Of The Weird. I Am Selfishly Bummed

When it turned 25, I wrote a little bit about News of the Weird and how much it’s meant to my life. If you recall (let’s be honest, you probably don’t), I closed that post by saying “Happy anniversary to both Chuck and his amazing, strangely lifechanging creation. Here’s to as many more as you can handle.”

When I said that, I had no idea how many more there would be, but as people do with most things I just sort of assumed it would go on until the end of time. But of course, as happens with everything, it is not, in fact, going to go on until the end of time.

Yesterday this extra note came along with the regular weekly column. Turns out the answer to the question of how many more anniversaries he could handle is about three.

Dear Weirdettes and Weirdbros,
I am retiring very soon from News of the Weird and Weird Universe.
My final weekly NotW column (my 1,534th) will be posted on July 2nd, ending 29-plus years in the saddle (28 of them as distributed by Universal Press Syndicate, now known as Universal UClick).  (I don’t know what Universal’s plans are for the column, and I am not part of that discussion.)  The reason for retiring is that I am simply exhausted, i.e., so many stories to process, slower-firing synapses with which to process them.  In fact, my synapses don’t so much “fire” these days as they kinda “lurch.”  I know that some of you (because you’re kind) will be moved to shout out a few nice words to me, but, as I say, I am exhausted and thus may not (or may) respond.  Just let me say that I will forever and ever be so very grateful to readers (and editors) for allowing me this gig.  Y’all take care of yourselves.
Unsentimentally Yours,
Chuck Shepherd
WeirdNews at Earthlink dot net (until Dec 2017) / P. O. Box 18737,
Tampa FL 33679 (permanent)

God, I’m going to miss that guy. Sundays just won’t be the same from now on, and it’s going to be odd dropping bye WU and not wondering if I’ll stumble upon one of his midweek experimental columns.

Get some rest, Chuck. You’ve certainly earned it. I hope retirement treats you well. Oh, and thanks for everything.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

They Got No Rings, But The Police Got A Couple Of Collars

We use this one a lot, but appropriate is appropriate, soooo…

Though it’s doubtful you would need one, if ever should come a day when screwing up a jewelry store robbery really, really badly becomes necessary, I present to you this handy guide courtesy of Colin Ayers and Mervin Chong.

  • Make sure that it’s 9:30 in the morning so that people are everywhere.
  • Dress yourselves in dark coats, hoodies, balaclavas and masks.
  • Use a moped as your vehicle of choice.
  • Don’t wear helmets like you’re supposed to though. You have enough stuff on your head that they wouldn’t fit anyway, but this makes sure that you’re just a little bit more noticeable.
  • Ensure that at least one of you is riding around on that moped looking like a helmetless robber while also trying to hide a pick axe between his knees.
  • Circle the place a few times, because people crammed onto a moped dressed like that with no ill intentions do that sort of thing every day.
  • When suspicions get the better of those people that are everywhere and they call you in, drive into the nearest pole while trying to get away from the newly arrived police.
  • When you abandon the freshly crashed moped and make a run for it, bolt straight into one of the nice officers.
  • And just to make sure that no doubt exists about who is responsible for everything, do not, under any circumstances, remove any of the pictures you took of the store from your phone.

Each has been jailed for two years after pleading guilty to charges of conspiracy to commit burglary, but Ayers was also given a bonus month for breaching bail after deciding that his sentencing hearing did not require his presence.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

But You Were Asking For It!

Men! They’re so confusing! They go crazy when you eat the grilled cheese sandwich, but then go even crazier when you don’t! Who can understand them!?

According to a criminal complaint, the incident in question occurred at a residence in the 14300 block of West Lisbon Road on Jan. 9. The girl told police that she went to the house where she met with Hastings.
The girl told police that upon arriving, she found Hastings in his kitchen making a grilled cheese sandwich. After talking for a few minutes, she alleges that Hastings pulled a gun from his pocket and pressed the barrel against her forehead. She then told police that Hastings “ordered her to move into the living room where he said something along the lines of the only thing worse for a woman than getting killed is getting raped.”
At this point, the girl alleges that Hastings attempted to pull down her pants; however, he was unable due to them being too tight. Hastings then pointed the gun at her face again and the girl told him that “he was being dumb and that he wouldn’t actually shoot her.”
According to the girl, Hastings then put the gun down and said that he was joking and just trying to see how she would react. The girl then attempted to leave the residence, but Hastings blocked her from doing so.
The girl told police that she was eventually able to leave the residence at which point she left the scene and later called the police.

Justin Hastings, police say, told them repeatedly that all of this started because that grilled cheese sandwich he was making was meant for her. She had asked for one before she arrived but then refused to eat it when she got there, which pissed him off. Not helping matters was that during the bit with the gun which Hastings was sure to point out was an empty pellet gun, she was laughing at him and telling him to pull the trigger. Oh,and she also told him to “go die in a hole,” and that’s just plain mean.

But what about all that rapey stuff?

That, he said, was simply him grabbing her and pushing her toward the stairs so that her sandwich wasting ass could go the hell outside where it belonged.

He was charged with attempted sexual assault and false imprisonment, crimes which could net him up to 36 years should he be convicted.

Next time, just go the Brandon Vezmar route, dude. $3 for the bread, butter and cheese slice seems entirely reasonable.

by Steve Wettlaufer -

Wrong, Xiong, Booooo


This is absolutely ground we’ve covered before, but since I consider what I’m about to share with you to be an absolutely fantabulous reason to cover it again that may perhaps never be topped, let’s do that.

When they come to your door, always (Always!) allow the nice officers to speak first so that you can be absolutely certain of the reason for their visit. Sometimes they don’t want what you think they want and chances are that if you don’t tell them what they’re supposed to be after, they still won’t want it when your chat concludes.

The latest to learn this lesson is 37-year-old North Carolina resident Cody Xiong, who police say literally had 500 million reasons to know better than to open his big, dumb mouth.

Police in North Carolina discovered a field of opium poppies worth an estimated $500 million after the man growing them assumed that officers had already uncovered the operation and offered a premature confession.
Catawba County deputies appeared at the door of Cody Xiong, 37, to follow up on an unrelated complaint, the Washington Post reports. But when he opened the door Xiong ventured: “I guess you’re here for the opium.”
They weren’t, but soon found what he was alluding to: over an acre of poppy plants aligned in rows in Xiong’s backyard.

He was taken into custody and charged with felony counts of manufacturing a Schedule II drug and trafficking in opium, but later posted $45,000 bail and was released. How ever did he come up with that sort of cash, I wonder.