Category: news

I’m Not Sure I’ll Get The Job, But I Might As Well Take A Stab At It

Bad: Showing up drunk for your job interview.
Worse: Getting into a fight with your prospective boss when he notices.
Worse than that: Stabbing him when it looks like he’s going to win.

El Cajon police say the applicant, Jose Lopez, showed up drunk to a job interview at 207 South Sunshine Avenue.
When the business owner smelled alcohol on Lopez’s breath, he confronted the interviewee about it.
In turn, Lopez became angry and then got physical, police say. A fight ensued, but when the boss got the upper hand and put the suspect in a headlock, Lopez stabbed him in the arm, according to investigators.

Believe it or not (I suggest believing it because that’s just how these things work), Lopez’s fortunes didn’t get much better from there.

Following the stabbing, he did what you would have to consider the smart thing. He ran away. But because he wasn’t going to be easy enough for his victim to describe and identify as it was, he helpfully left behind his job application. Police used it to track down his address and he was soon charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

The boss was taken to Sharp Memorial Hospital (really) for treatment of his injury, which was described as minor.


We’ve used this before, but it seems appropriate.

I realize that alcohol was a factor here, but I cannot in good faith and conscience place the blame squarely on its shoulders this time. For while it does indeed make some people do some very stupid things, I refuse to believe that booze and booze alone would make it seem a good idea to light fireworks off of your head. There’s either more to this story that hasn’t come out yet or the inner idiot that alcohol brings out in some folks was an outie in this guy’s case and the sauce did him a quick, painless favour instead of prolonging the inevitable.

Devon Staples and his friends had been drinking and setting off fireworks Saturday night in the backyard of a friend’s home in the small eastern Maine city of Calais, said Stephen McCausland, a spokesperson for the state Department of Public Safety. Staples, 22, of Calais, placed a fireworks mortar tube on his head and set it off, he said.
The firework exploded, killing Staples instantly, McCausland said.

That Costly Trip To Costco

For some reason, this is a hard post for me to write…but here goes.

Last July, a story broke about a woman’s car slamming into a London Costco, killing a 6-year-old girl and her newborn sister, and injuring their mother and other sister. Charges were laid against Ruth Berger, the driver of the car, and Back in June, she was convicted of dangerous driving. She says her shoe got stuck under the brake.

When this happened, it felt like everyone was vilifying this poor woman, wanting her to pay dearly. I understand people were deeply affected by the tragedy of losing 2 children, one whose life hadn’t even began. But I wasn’t ready to pick up my own pitchfork, and here’s why. My own family could have been living Ruth Berger’s horror.

Many years ago, I wrote about a car accident that happened many years before that. Ug. Seeing my writing from back then makes me want to be sucked into an embarrassment vortex. But stupid wording aside, the accident did happen like that. It sounds like something straight out of a Steven King movie, but that description is the way it happened. Not only that, but when the mechanics tried to have a look at it and fired it up, it also went nuts. They wrote it off, putting it down to “pedal error”, but if that was supposed to translate to my dad making a pedal error, they were completely incorrect.

I have thought a lot about that night. I went with my date at the time to a movie. It was a stupid movie, but everybody wanted to go see it, from seniors to kids. I think it was called “Jack”. It was that Robin Williams movie where the kid is growing up too fast, and looks like a man, but he’s actually a little boy.

Anyway, my point is the theatre was packed. At the end of it, we headed out of the theatre to meet my parents. For some reason, my date said “Let’s try and be first.” So, we raced out of the theatre. He got his wish, we were first. We got to my parents’ waiting van. We got in, I was starting to buckle up, mom had turned around and said, “How was the movie?” As she said those words, my dad started the car…and that’s when everything went mad. The car revved, went straight into reverse, I lost grip on my seat belt and hit the floor. My memories are probably blurred by 19 years of distance, but I remember talk of our car hitting a post, knocking it down or bending it, doing something to its concrete base, then slowing down, and then speeding up and heading for the TV station. I think we smashed some glass on the window of a car parts store. Then, without any human intervention, the car came to a stop. This all happened in a few seconds. My mom thinks that if the car hadn’t stopped on its own, and had kept speeding up, by the time we made contact with the TV station…it would not have ended well for us.

From my point of view, this was what it was like. The car revved, stones flew and were hitting the side of the van, I hit the floor, mom was screaming “stop it, stop it, get it stopped get it stopped.” There was some smashing of glass, I was still trying to figure out how I had ended up on the floor, and wondering what kind of loose objects could hit me…and it was all over, and dad said something like “the transmission…just…locked!” My date said that while we were on the floor, he looked up and saw nothing but flying numbers on the dashboard.

A crowd had started to gather around our van, and my dad, despite being full of apprehension, looked under the car to see if we had run over anyone, considering how many small children had been in the theatre. Miraculously, because my date had wanted to leave the theatre first, no one was hurt. But if we had exited in the middle of the crowd, who knows who may have been injured or killed.

My high school English teacher, a kind of high-strung guy, came over to the van, and when he saw my dad was the driver, he was in shock. I think his words were “I thought the driver was a maniac teenager who had had a breakup with his girlfriend and wanted to smash everything. When I saw it was you…I…I didn’t know what was going on.”

We didn’t know either. Dad had pressed on the brake, tried to put it into park, tried to turn the key off and pull the key out and the car kept going. This is why I get so upset when people would ask Berger why she didn’t steer away from the Costco. I don’t think the person asking that question has ever been in an out of control car. You only have so many limbs, you only have so many seconds, you only have so many things to try. Was he expecting her to be some kind of stunt-driver?

She says her shoe got stuck. Maybe it did…or maybe, in an attempt to find a logical end to something that feels so random and devoid of reason, police and others convinced her that’s what happened. I’m not saying they did it maliciously. She was an older driver, and sometimes seniors have been known to have gas-brake accidents. So maybe they thought this was the case, and convinced her that’s what happened.

The final report on our car was “pedal error” even though, from what I remember of stories, it started accelerating while sitting on the mechanic’s hoist with no one pushing any pedals. They checked the car for those floor mats that used to get stuck under pedals and they weren’t there. But still, somehow, it was pedal error. Now, imagine if we had hit a child. Imagine the kind of pressure my dad would have been placed under. Could they have convinced him that it was something he did that caused this tragedy? After all, the investigation ruled it pedal error. Dad is a logical guy, and even though it would have filled him with guilt, it would have felt like the more realistic scenario than a car going loopy and developing a mind of its own. My dad would live with the feeling that he had done this, and may have had convictions, even though we all know he didn’t. He probably would have started off saying that he didn’t do it, but give it enough time and enough so-called evidence, and would he have wavered? Would he have thought that maybe it all happened so fast and he slipped? Haven’t you ever had a memory kind of change over time as you hear more and more things? This is a thing.

I can’t imagine how the small town would have reacted, based on how everyone reacted to this one. Where I grew up, everybody knew everybody. The lost life or lives would have been those of our neighbours. Would we have had to have the case moved somewhere far away where impartiality was possible?

I hear that voice in my head saying “This is all woulda coulda shouldas. You didn’t hit anybody, Berger did. You don’t know what made the car go nuts, she says it’s a shoe. Why compare the two?” But I feel like the only thing that kept us from potentially having to deal with this was my date whispering “Let’s try and get out of here first!” That’s all. Maybe my dad being not as old was also helpful. But one change in circumstances, and this could have been us.

I especially think of my dad when I hear Berger say she hasn’t been able to drive since. My dad said that for months after, he had to take 3 deep breaths before turning the key in any vehicle.

Perhaps I’m giving this way too much thought, and it is as simple as everybody thinks, but I just can’t simplify it like that. I feel terrible for the family that lost two children and had other family members who had to suffer through recovery, but I also can’t bring myself to condemn Berger. There is so much that none of us know, even after the investigation. I’m glad that the family can forgive Berger, and I hope that we don’t find out down the road way too late that this whole thing was caused by a computer issue, and not a stuck shoe. But most of all, I hope everyone can heal.

You Look A Lot Like My Wife. Can I Borrow Some Money?

If your plan is to pilfer and attempt to utilize somebody’s custom debit card, it might be a good idea to take a good long look at the photo on it before you proceed with step two, just in case the woman in said photo and her powers of observation happen to be in the same checkout line as you are.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the woman had noticed her debit card was missing while shopping at the supermarket.
She initially figured she must have dropped it by accident earlier in the day, but a few minutes later while buying some headache medicine at Family Dollar, she spotted a man, woman and their child “shopping like it was Christmas…I looked at them grabbing toys and thought, ‘Someone hit the lottery.’”
Sensing something suspicious, she got behind the man in line at the cashier and watched as he tried to pay for the $200 in toys with her custom-designed Wells Fargo debit card.
“I said, ‘Dude, that’s my card. Give me my card please,’” she tells the AJC. “He says, ‘This is my wife’s card.’ I said, ‘No the hell it isn’t. Not with a picture of me, my daughter and puppy on the front. Give me my card.’”
She said the man, whose pre-teen son looked on in confusion, placed his thumb over the incriminating photo on the card while the card’s rightful owner called 9-1-1.

To his credit, the man, clearly repentant, remorseful and any other appropriate re, decided to use this as a teaching moment for his young son and returned the card complete with his sincerest apologies for his error in judgment.

Just kidding. He told the wife and kid to run for it and got the hell out of there. What site did you think you were reading?

He didn’t get far before police caught up with him…and found at least one more apparently stolen card on him during a search. He was arrested and charged, but neither of the 2 articles I’ve read specifically said with what.

Can I Get You A Pillow? Only If You’ll Lay On It With Me

More times than you’d like to think, we’ve covered in flight molestations involving some creep and the random, short straw drawing woman who was probably just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But as best I can tell, this right here will be the first time a passenger decided that not only was he going to roam the aircraft for a victim or two, but that they were both going to be flight attendants.

According to an FBI affidavit, on the Oct. 27 flight, two flight attendants say they were attacked by the same passenger, a 42-year-old Ukrainian man seated in first class.
The first attendant, who says she served two drinks to the passenger, told the FBI that the man confronted her in the forward galley and “stood behind her, making full body contact with her.”
He then, according to the affidavit, “put his lips on her neck and later touched her back and then moved his hand to her buttocks.”
He later sat down in the seat next to her, and allegedly “put his hand on her thigh, and then started to move his hand up and under her dress,” in spite of the attendant’s repeated directions to stop touching her. She estimates that the passenger touched her body somewhere between seven to ten times.
“She described his touch as ‘squeeze and hold’ and stated he used his strength to intimidate her,” reds the affidavit.

forward galley, indeed.

Understandably, the woman was unable to continue doing her job following the incident, so a replacement was brought in. Unfortunately she wasn’t just a replacement for the flight crew, but also for our friend here.

That’s when the passenger allegedly told this second attendant that “he liked her and made a hand gesture like he wanted to have sex with her. This gesture involved him pointing to her, pointing to himself, and slamming his closed fist sideways into his open hand as if to ‘slam her.’”
The attendant says the passenger touched her on her lower back and then dropped his hand to her buttocks.
And if that weren’t enough, both the second attendant and a witness told the FBI that the passenger later placed this attendant in a headlock while pulling him toward her and trying to kiss her.
“She described his touching as predatory and stated she thought he would have raped her,” reads the affidavit.

The passenger, who’s name was not released, was arrested when the plane landed and charged with Interference with Flight Crew Members, which sounds like some awfully mild language. Where’s all the sexual assault and aggravated rapiness, guys?

You Can Buy Cake At KFC. I Know This Because Some People Had One Thrown At Them

Wait wait wait. KFC sells cake?

As Abts-Olsen and his partner Cliff Borjeson rolled to the scene, details of the attack trickled in from dispatchers: “Unknown male was throwing cake at employees.” Followed by the ominous: “They can no longer sell the cake.”
Employees told the two officers that a man walked into the store, threw a KFC-brand cake at them and then left.
Fortunately, the man’s aim was off.

We know neither why this fellow was so upset nor who he is, as staff at the restaurant didn’t get a good look at him probably because woe, flying cake, you guys!

But more importantly, why didn’t any of you tell me that KFC sells cake?

Rocko Bell

I get the part with the cursing and screaming and chasing and rocks, but who the fuck eats breakfast at Taco Bell?

KGUN-TV in Tucson reports that a local woman recently went through the Taco Bell drive-thru. All seemed fine, though it did take about 10 minutes for her order to come out.
Problem is, during those 10 minutes the Bell had switched from making breakfast to the lunch menu. This is not what a customer behind this woman wanted to hear, but rather than blame himself or just suck it up and order lunch like a grown-up, he apparently set out in pursuit of the customer who had done nothing but order food slightly earlier than he did.
The woman tells KGUN that shortly after she pulled out of the Bell, she noticed the SUV that was behind her in line was now following her, honking the horn with the people inside yelling “‘You f-ing b****” at her as they pulled up next to her.
She says she pulled off to a side street and called 9-1-1, but the SUV followed. That’s when the man picked up a rock and smashed her car window.
“He then used that rock and hit me on the left side of my head by my ear and punched me in my mouth and nose,” the woman, who received a broken nose and teeth as a result, tells KGUN.

Police are still trying to find the people who attacked her, unless I haven’t gotten to that update yet.

Ma’am, Step Out Of Our Car

I’m sure I could find more were I to dig, but for now let’s say that Mashara Mefford has 2 major strikes against her. Not only did she think it a good idea to break into a car that just happened to be one of those marked police ones, but she also seems to be another one who’s mind it slipped that it’s damn near impossible to legitimately lock yourself inside with no means of escape.

Officials with Metro Police said Mashara Mefford broke into a squad car early Wednesday morning. The cruiser was parked at the Music City Center.
Officers arrived and found Mefford locked inside the car. When asked to get out, she ripped a tablet off its stand and tried to break out a window with it. 
Police said she was screaming that she did not know how to open the door.

They eventually managed to talk her through the process and get her out, at which point she was taken into custody so probably put right back in. She was charged with vandalism and public intoxication because, police say, she had slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, smelled strongly of alcohol, swayed back and forth as they talked and seriously, she just locked herself in our goddamn car. I may have added that last one myself, but you know they were thinking it.

Home Is Where The Car Is

I’ve never met John Paul Jones Jr., so maybe he really is the aww shucks kind of guy they’re portraying him as here and during a weak moment, he momentarily snapped and did something extremely stupid. But I’ll tell you this right now. If I’m his family, I’m raising money for some serious therapy or running the hell out of town in the dead of night, because no way I’m taking my chances with a guy who’ll drive his truck from the back yard to the front yard by way of the house and seems perfectly ok with it.

It happened Thursday afternoon on Old Highway 85 in Senoia.

A photo taken by Newnan Times-Herald photographer Jeffrey Leo shows furniture caught in the truck’s bumper.

“I don’t know, it was just one of those spur of the moment crazy things,” said Jones.

Jones is a contractor by trade, and he did his own repairs over the past two days.

“I’ve been out of work for the past year and a half. Needed some work,” said Jones. “It didn’t pay anything, but hey, it kept me busy.”

The newspaper said he did it because he was frustrated about not being able to sell his house, but Jones said that’s not the reason why.

He told CBS46 that he had just gotten off the phone with his wife at the time, and the conversation made him so angry, one thing just led to another.

He wasn’t charged with a crime since there’s nothing in the law that says you can’t drive your own truck through your own house as long as you don’t injure anyone else in the process, but if his wife reacts the way I think I would, her murder trial will begin soon.

Oh, and if you want to see the wreckage photo, click the link up there.

Beat Off In The Coffee While You Still Can, Guys

There’s an update to a story we brought you last year.

John Lind, the fellow who professed his love for a woman by repeatedly firing his non-dairy cannon into her coffee, had his charges dismissed because while totally fucking disgusting, what he did isn’t technically against the law…yet. The State is working on closing that loophole as we speak though, so hopefully his brush with the law and everything on that poor girl’s desk was enough for him to learn his lesson and just write a letter like everybody else next time.

A Blaine man was initially charged with two gross misdemeanor counts, one of fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct and one of attempted fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct, after an Aug. 26 incident in which he allegedly put his semen into a co-worker’s coffee.
The charges were dismissed in November by a Ramsey County judge, who said the crime required nonconsensual touching of the victim’s intimate parts.
Under the bill, sponsored by Rep. Debra Hilstrom, a prosecutor from Brooklyn Center and Sen. John Hoffman of Champlin, placing bodily fluids in a substance intended for human consumption would be a misdemeanor.
It would become a felony if someone ingests it without knowledge of the adulteration, with escalating penalties if it’s done for sexual gratification or if the victim is a child.
The bill passed Wednesday in the House Public Safety committee and heads next to the House floor.