Category: news

Their Criminal Exploits Were A Smash Hit

This isn’t the worst getaway ever attempted, but it ought to be in the conversation for at least an honourable mention.

Oh, and it probably deserves one more thing, too.

According to the Kannapolis Police Department, officers responded to a report of shots fired into the Rent-A-Center on Cannon Boulevard around 2 a.m. Wednesday. When officers arrived, they saw two men trying to load a TV into a car. Police say the two men then jumped into separate vehicles and crashed into one another in the parking lot.
Following the collision, police say both men drove away driving the wrong way on South Cannon Boulevard before both were involved in separate crashes.

Willie El’Beehard Anthony and Jamarqua Antonio Davis ages 20 and 16 respectively were both quickly arrested and now face a laundry list of charges including break and enter, hit and run, drug possession and I hope you’re sitting down for this one, driving without a license. Yes, both of them got that last one.

Is Donald Trump Ok?

Ever since Donald Trump, “serious politician” became a thing, my mind has wrestled with two thoughts. One is wow, what a disingenuous, irredeemable shitbiscuit. I can’t believe this is actually happening. That’s the obvious one and to be honest, the one that often wins out. The other is more of an occasional feeling of concern as in guys, there is clearly something the matter with this elderly grandfather. Can we please stop taking advantage of him for political gain and maybe see about getting him some help?

I realize that with enough manipulation it’s possible to twist almost any set of circumstances into almost any narrative you wish, but I want you to keep the following lists in mind as you read this.

some of the cognitive symptoms of dementia, according to the Mayo Clinic.

  1. Memory loss
  2. Difficulty communicating or finding words
  3. Difficulty reasoning or problem solving
  4. Difficulty with planning or organizing
  5. Difficulty with coordination and motor functions

Psychological Changes

  1. Depression
  2. Anxiety
  3. Inappropriate behavior
  4. Paranoia
  5. Agitation
  6. Hallucinations

Does any of this explain away the things Trump has done and make him a good person? Hardly. Does it make him a sympathetic figure? Maybe a little, but there’s still an awful lot going on when you start digging into his background that makes him a difficult person to feel all that sorry for. Does any of it even absolutely prove anything? No, but it should give us all something to think about, because either conclusion you come to is dangerous. America is either being shepherded by a man in medical distress or by a calculating yet unstable lunatic. Even if you voted for him and especially if you’re in a position to prop him up for the sake of a few years in charge of the agenda, there has to come a point when there’s no choice but to admit that this isn’t doing anyone any good on any level.

What Are You Doing? I’m Confessing To A Crime, What Does It Look Like I’m Doing? Go Back To Bed

Not many details here, but this sort of effort is a clear sign that you’re either in the fuck it, I don’t care anymore and am about to retire from the life of crime phase or that maybe it’s an I never really wanted this job in the first place thing.

Barrie police say a thief was nabbed by officers after he stopped to wash his hands inside a home.
They say a man woke up last night to find a stranger in his home, washing up.
When asked what he was doing, the suspect said he was cleaning up after siphoning gas from vehicles on the property — so the homeowner called police.

I know we regularly make fun of people for lying about their motivations and that generally speaking honesty is the best policy, but come on, man. At least try.

A 53-year-old man now faces several charges including break and enter and theft under $5,000. If past performance is an indication, I’m sure he’ll be launching a vigorous defense any day now.

And If That Doesn’t Work, I’ll Find A Payphone, Make A Call And Buy Every Printing Press In Town!

Joseph Talbot has spent the entirety of his 43 years on this planet blissfully unaware of what an internet is or how it might work. I don’t know this for sure, but when it comes to explaining why, here in 2017, Talbot would spend well over $1200 of his own money buying copies of a local weekly newspaper so that people wouldn’t be able to read about his drunk driving arrest, that’s about all I can come up with.

Talbot, who has spent the last 20 years in a coma or something, took the drastic step after already catching an extra charge with his DWI when he told officers that he didn’t want his picture taken because it would wind up in the paper.

Eventually his picture was taken and did obviously wind up in the paper…as well as on its website, whatever that is.

Reporters tried to contact Talbot for comment, but had to leave a message that has so far not been returned. Don’t worry though, I’m sure he’ll get right back to you as soon as he gets home and checks the tape.

Is This Stolen Truck Stolen, Officer?

On some level, I’m pretty sure I understand what Adriana Salas was thinking. If I were driving around in a stolen truck, it sure would be nice to know whether or not the cops knew that I was driving around in a stolen truck. But there’s wanting to know and being dedicated to finding out, and that difference is where she loses me.

The arrest report states Salas showed up at the Sheriff’s Office and asked dispatchers if the truck she was driving was stolen.
A deputy arrived to speak with Salas, ran the truck information in a crime database and found it was reported stolen out of Jonesboro, according to the report.
The deputy read Salas her Miranda Rights and asked how she obtained the truck. Salas explained to the deputy she stayed in Jonesboro for a week with a friend. The two got into a fight and she stole his truck and headed to Fort Smith, the report states.
After explaining that, Salas slightly changed her story and told the deputy the truck wasn’t registered to her friend, but to another man, according to the report.
Salas continued explaining she showed up at the Sheriff’s Office because her cellphone died while traveling and once it was charged, she received a text message from the registered owner stating that the truck was reported stolen, the report also states.

Then, in a classic case of giving someone enough rope, the deputy asked if she’d like a chance to make a call so that she could sort this whole misunderstanding out. Salas declined the offer, stating that her friend wouldn’t be able to get in touch with the truck’s owner because they were asleep. How she knew this from 250miles away or why she would care considering the alternative I don’t know, but that’s what she said. Note: Yes, I do know. So do you.

She was taken into custody on suspicion of felony theft by receiving of more than $5,000 and at last word remained there in lieu of $7,500 bond.

Oh The Weather Outside Was Frightful, And To Thieves The Fates Were Spiteful

On the same morning within about 2 and a half hours of each other, two separate theft attempts in Abbotsford, B.C., were foiled by the weather. The snow, to be specific.

The second and I think slightly less humourous of the two happened around 7:15 A.M. on the morning of February 7th (happy birthday, Carin!) when an unidentified man spotted a Ford Focus that its owner had left unattended and idling. Don’t ever do that, by the way. Whether I mean leave your car running and alone or drive a Ford Focus is for you to decide, but in any event, that man decided to give the lonely Focus some attention, so hopped in and took off. Unfortunately for him and perhaps for Ford’s ad agency, he only made it about a block before getting the damn thing hopelessly stuck in the snow. But instead of leaving and maybe managing a clean getaway, this fella decided that now that he’s already made a scene, it would be a good time to scoop up documents with the rightful owners name all over them plus take the keys before running away. He got about as far as the Focus before police caught up with him.

And before that, there was this.

Abbotsford police spokesman Const. Ian MacDonald said that after a residential break and enter around 5 a.m., the suspect’s van became stuck in snow near a popular, central fast-food restaurant. The suspect then asked a passerby for help.
“The person he asks is the victim of the break and enter,” MacDonald said. “Yup.”
Of the 140,000 people in Abbotsford the suspect could have asked for assistance, it was the victim of his crime, who had just finished reviewing security footage of the incident.
The victim instantly recognized the driver and phoned police. Officers arrived promptly and arrested the suspect who was “quite well known to police,” MacDonald said.

I don’t know if the biggest lesson to be learned here is don’t commit break-ins, asking for help is bad for you or it snows every year, but that last one may be good to keep in mind if you’re determined to ignore the first.

You Shouldn’t Kill Animals! Let Me Do It Instead!

I’m about as far from vegan as it gets, but if you’re not, great. I’m also not one who tends to engage in public forms of protest all that often, but if you do, great. Everyone should do what they want to do and be what they want to be. But for the love of god, would it kill some of you to include smart and rational somewhere on the list of things you want to be? The answer is no, especially when you consider the law of probabilities involved in the alternative, which in this case is drunkenly smashing your car into a truckload of chickens because people shouldn’t eat chicken, dammit.

A Georgia woman was arrested Wednesday after she reportedly slammed into a chicken truck, fled and then told officers who tracked her down that she hit the vehicle because she was a vegan.
The investigation began when a truck driver told police he was traveling west on Highway 72 when a red four-door car hit his truck twice, WXIA-TV reported.
The unidentified truck driver called police as the car fled. Madison County deputies found the car’s license plate in debris left in the wake of the crash. They were able to track the car’s owner to Comer, Georgia, where they found the vehicle and a driver matching the driver’s vague description.

Yes, you’re reading that correctly. A vegan, who I assume cares about the well being of living things, deliberately smashed into a truck full of living things more than once in order to make a statement about how we need to respect and appreciate living things.

Knowing this, it should come as little surprise that when tested later, Judith Armstrong blew over the legal driving limit. It also needs noting, however, that she wants to remove the excuse such as it is, telling police that she wasn’t drinking before the incident but did have a few shots when she got home.

She’s charged with hit-and-run, aggressive driving, driving under the influence and obstruction.

Sir, You’ve Got The Wrong Number. But Officer, You’ve Got The Wrong Idea

Jeff Lytle may or may not have just learned a very important lesson. I say may or may not because when you start off from a position of such overt yet preventable dipshittery, the capacity for learning is by no means guaranteed.

The arrest came after Lytle tried to reach out to a hitman named “Shayne” about killing his family in order to cash in on a $1.5 million life insurance policy, news station KIRO reported. The texts include his wife’s work schedule and to make the murder look like a “robbery gone wrong or make it a accident.”
“You remember you said that you would help me kill my wife,” Lytle wrote. “I’m going to take you up on that offer.”
However, Lytle mixed up the contact for his hitman with his former boss. The former employer called police, who arrested Lytle at his home on Wednesday in Monroe, Washington.

And Lytle, who has since been charged with two counts of criminal solicitation for first-degree murder, wasn’t done marching in the dumbfuck parade just yet.

Showing that he’s as good at making excuses as he is at making sure he’s texting the right person, Lytle told investigators that while what they were seeing may look like him trying to have his family killed, that’s not what was happening at all. What they were actually looking at, he said, was simply him venting some frustration in the form of unsent draft text messages. You know, because who hasn’t drawn up detailed murder plans by texts in a random window in a fit of rage, am I right? As for how they went from unsent text messages to sent ones, that’s probably on his daughter who, let us not forget, he totally doesn’t want to kill at all, never ever ever.

Bail has been set at $1 million. Shockingly no one has posted it, but maybe that’s down to him screwing up the number when he made his one phone call and not that whole contracting someone to kill his loved ones thing.

Happy National Your Jumpy Ass Just Got Popped For Drugs Day


Dear Nameless Criminal:

Next time the police see you holding a popcorn maker box and playfully wish you a happy National Popcorn Day, try playing it cool. Chances are it would work out much better than the alternative.

A man was spotted beside the street holding a popcorn maker box by officers on patrol.  They stopped to wish the man a “Happy National Popcorn Day”, which was recognized this year on Thursday, January 19.
The man immediately took off.  The officers, now suspecting the package may have been stolen, ran after the man and eventually caught up with him.

When they did, they got a bit more than they bargained for. $2700 worth of various drugs were discovered, leading to him being charged with two counts of possession for the purpose of trafficking.

The report doesn’t note whether the popcorn maker was stolen or if the box was simply a hiding place for his stash.

United Breaks Pilots

Ok, so this broken seems to have been caused by life and the world in general, but this tag has a theme, in case you haven’t noticed.

An unidentified United Airlines pilot caused a two hour delay and perhaps more than one bowel evacuation when she boarded a flight, grabbed the microphone and started chatting to the passengers about politics, the state of her personal life and whatever else came to mind.

The pilot, who was not identified, reportedly boarded the plane in everyday clothes, not in her official uniform, Reuters reports.
“She shows up dressed like a civilian and asks to us to take a vote to see whether she should change into her uniform or fly as is,” Pam O’Neal said, according to Reuters. O’Neal was a passenger on the United Flight 455 that was headed to Austin, TX from San Francisco International Airport.
The pilot then used the plane’s intercom to call both President Trump and Hillary Clinton “a—holes,” according to O’Neal.
“She started off by saying that she had not voted for either Trump or Clinton because they’re a bunch of liars… It just really sort of went downhill from there and didn’t make a lot of sense to any of us,” O’Neal said.
The pilot reportedly announced she was going through a divorce, and commented on an interracial couple in the first-class section, saying “yay unity.”

She was soon removed from the plane and a new pilot was found, hence the delay.

United made a canned statement about holding employees to a high standard, but offered no clues as to what may have caused her to act that way. Stress seems like an obvious place to start, but beyond that we might never know.