Category: news

I Take On This Same Train Every Week

I saw this a few months ago but kept forgetting to post it…which is a terrible oversight since it has two themes we looove: people having close calls with trains, and the idea that something crazy happened to a person again, and it’s mentioned in the headline.

It says here that at the beginning of May, a woman drove through a railway crossing outside Garner, North Carolina, while the arm was down and the lights and bells were doing what lights and bells do when the arm is down. She got through the crossing, but slammed into a tree to avoid getting hit by the train. She was lucky enough to only suffer some damage to the front of her car.

That would have been mildly weird and kind of disturbing since how the heck did she miss the arm being down, the lights flashing and the bells dinging. But I guess I could chalk that up to some really good luck, and hope she would have a renewed healthy respect for railway crossings.

That’s not what happened here. Two weeks later, the same woman took a gamble at the same railway crossing. Although she didn’t do as well, she still wound up pretty lucky. I will stress that again, the arm was down and the lights and bells were working properly and she drove through anyway, or tried to. But this time, she got stuck and got lambasted by the train, giving her a new bunch of damage to the back end of the car to match the tree damage at the front which, I might add, was still there when she had accident no. 2.

Miraculously, she only suffered minor injuries, and tried to refuse medical attention but was taken to hospital anyway.

In my younger days I would have laughed uproariously and called her a moron. Now, I just wonder what was or is wrong with her. Hopefully she will steer clear of railway crossings for the foreseeable future…but that’s probably too much to hope for. Maybe I can hope that she will need some time to get a new car, so will be driven around by others who have more sense for a while.

The Trump Incident: Far More Worrisome Than The Sweden Incident

This post would have a perfect soundtrack if only it was available in a form I could embed. But since it’s not, go here and listen. It says it’s playable somewhere there, I couldn’t get it to play…but you could always go buy it. You can see by the lyrics why it fits so perfectly…except for the part where Abe Vigoda has actually died now.

The other day, someone tweeted a question asking why do all the front pages of mainstream media look like the front page of the Onion. I can see why they asked that, with stories like this one.

In the span of a single sentence, President Trump managed to flummox a nation.
“We’ve got to keep our country safe,” Trump said at a campaign-style rally Saturday in Melbourne, Fla. “You look at what’s happening in Germany, you look at what’s happening last night in Sweden — Sweden, who would believe this?”
Swedes, in turn, answered Trump’s question with a question of their own: “Wait — what?”

Yup, we have yet another Bowling Green massacre.

You can’t make this stuff up. In an attempt to justify all his anti-immigration policies, Trump tried to say that Sweden had brought in more refugees than anyone else, and had a terrorist attack on Friday night. Sure, they’ve brought in lots of refugees, but that terrorist attack bit never happened. There have been lots of theories as to what he was talking about…perhaps a report on Fox News about Sweden having high levels of immigration and higher crime than previously…or maybe he mixed up Sweden with the Pakistani town of Sehwan…nobody really knows.

You know Trump has no credibility when the former Swedish prime minister writes “Sweden? Terror attack? What has he been smoking? Questions abound.”

Yup, this totally reads like an Onion story…except for the part where it actually happened. *headdesk* this is going to be a long four years…if he can actually keep the presidency for that long.

Today In Whatever You Say, Buddy: It’s Possible To Kiss A Kid By Accident Three Times. I Know Because I Did It

I’ve heard a lot of terrible excuses for things, and this one’s definitely way up there on that list.

Former Houston substitute teacher Pete Garcia Hernandez, 49, has been charged with three counts of indecency with a child, which is why he is former Houston substitute teacher Pete Garcia Hernandez and not current Houston substitute teacher Pete Garcia Hernandez. But if he’s looking for a new career path, I think he may have found one assuming he can sort out how to make a living by being mercilessly ridiculed. Why? Because when confronted with the allegations made against him by the students in question, he offered the following defense.

According to court documents, three girls in the suspect’s class reported to investigators that Hernandez had kissed them on the mouth, touched their chests and sat them on his lap. When asked about the allegations, Hernandez reportedly told investigators that the kissing happened on accident and that “he was speaking close with them and his tongue accidentally went in their mouth.”

Oopsidaisy!

Well, to be fair, I can’t count the number of times that’s happened to me. My best guess is 0, but I’ve been around a while and my memory sometimes isn’t the greatest. Let me think. … … … … … Yeah, still going with 0.

Just for fun though, let’s pretend for a second that he’s not brimming with excrement and this is actually what happened. Sure would make life interesting, wouldn’t it? Imagine getting into a bar fight. One minute you’re all up in some dude’s area wanting to tear him apart, and the next thing you know you’re planning a wedding and living happily ever after.

But in a sign that even he knew how ridiculous that sounds, Hernandez did later admit that while the children were on his lap he did have some sexual thoughts. This is a huge improvement, since based on his earlier statement the idea that he has thoughts at all seems a bit of a stretch.

A Scientist Discovered A New Moth Species And Named It After Donald Trump

Pretty sure this is the most pleasant piece of Trump related news I’ve seen since he won the damn election. I doubt I’ll see a better one until the day he’s impeached.

The new species was initially discovered through dissection of Gnorimoschemini material borrowed from the Bohart Museum of Entomology, University of California, Davis (UCBME). Two males and one female from Algodones dunes in Imperial County, California, showed a unique genitalia and wing pattern that did not match known species of Gnorimoschemini. Based on similarities in genitalia of both sexes I associated these with Neopalpa, and this identification was further supported by DNA barcoding.
The scientific name for the new moth species, Nazari determined, would be Neopalpa donaldtrumpi:
The new species can be easily distinguished from N. neonata by its external appearance, the yellowish-white scales covering the frons of the adult head, and the distinctive orange-yellow coloration on the forewing dorsum. In the male genitalia, the valvae are strongly curved, the saccus has an acute tip, and the highly-developed bilobed processes of the vinculum, characteristic of N. neonata [an existing species within this genus], are absent.

If you’re like me and don’t know what the hell most of that means, don’t worry. Snopes has you covered.

And if you’re wondering why we’re naming moths after Donald Trump now, there are two main reasons. One is to raise a little environmental awareness, and the other is because dude’s got some weird damn hair.

The new species is named in honor of Donald J. Trump, to be installed as the 45th President of the United States on January 20, 2017. The reason for this choice of name is to bring wider public attention to the need to continue protecting fragile habitats in the US that still contain many undescribed species. The specific epithet is selected because of the resemblance of the scales on the frons (head) of the moth to Mr. Trump’s hairstyle.

Suddenly Those Perfume People Don’t Seem So Bad

As if shopping at Walmart could get any more unpleasant.

In early-November, a Walmart shopper told police that a “creepy” man lingered near her in the store’s makeup aisle. After the man passed behind her, the shopper “felt something wet on her foot and lower back.” The woman then went to the bathroom “and tried to wipe the material off her but it was sticky.”
On December 28, another woman told police that “some substance” had been “thrown or sprayed on her” while she was shopping at the same Walmart in Marietta, a city across the Ohio River from West Virginia. A review of store surveillance footage revealed that the suspect in last week’s incident was identical to the “creepy” man spotted in November.

After some police work, the culprit was identified as 28-year-old Timothy Blake, a bad liar from West Virginia. I say a bad liar because I bet most of you already have a pretty good idea what that substance was, and none of you have access to a forensic lab like the cops did.

After identifying the truck driven by the suspect, cops confronted Blake at a Wings Etc. restaurant as he sat down for dinner with his wife. When asked what he was throwing on the female victims, Blake first claimed that it was egg yolks. But when police advised that they “had the material tested,” Blake “then admitted that it was semen in the containers he was squirting” at the buttocks of women.

Yes, you did just read that his wife was there. That’s gonna be an awkward ride home later, methinks.

With the bad lying mostly but perhaps not completely out of his system, Blake got rather talkative, telling police that he’d gone into that Walmart and done this at least 12 times. On four of those occasions he said he used semen, while the others involved either egg yolks and flour or spit. Yup, he’s sticking to that egg story like semen to a department store customer. Not sure I’m buying it, but for all I know it could be true. Anyway, he said that when it was spunk day, he would do the deed in either his vehicle or the Walmart bathroom and impregnate a syringe, which he had many of because he owned a farm on which he was responsible for the inoculation of the animals.

When asked about his motivations, Blake gave the old I “thought she displayed exhibitionist characteristics and wanted to be noticed” chestnut and admitted that yes, he thought about sexual things while he was doing it. You know, in case there might be any confusion due to the myriad other reasons one might feel compelled to whip out an auxiliary man cannon at a shopping centre and start blasting away.

He was charged with two counts of felony obscenity and released after posting $11,000 bond. He was still free at last report,but required to wear a GPS monitor.

Daily Mail? More Like Daily Fail, Says Wikipedia

The issue of the Daily Mail’s dubious reliability isn’t a new topic here (we’ve covered it at least once and I’ve done my bit to steer folks away from it in other settings as well), but while I knew we absolutely weren’t the only ones to feel this way, the news that Wikipedia is mostly banning its use as a reference shows just how alone we aren’t.

Yes, Wikipedia, which is a seriously amazing thing but one that some would argue has a reputation for poor fact checking in its own right, has decided to stop using the Mail as a source in all but exceptional circumstances because of its general unreliability.

I’m mostly in favour of this, I think. When your bread and butter is clickbate headlines, stretching facts to their breaking points or even outright making things up and it’s hard to distinguish any of it from your real journalism, you deserve to be treated this way and don’t have a whole lot of room to argue about it. But the Mail is hardly the only outlet around that does these kinds of things and if you look hard enough even organizations that do their best get hoaxed more than you’d probably think, so I hope Wikipedia’s processes are strong enough to tell the difference without becoming susceptible to the agendas of folks who may have an axe to grind with this or that place.

Wikipedia editors have voted to ban the Daily Mail as a source for the website in all but exceptional circumstances after deeming the news group “generally unreliable”.
The move is highly unusual for the online encyclopaedia, which rarely puts in place a blanket ban on publications and which still allows links to sources such as Kremlin backed news organisation Russia Today, and Fox News, both of which have raised concern among editors.

The editors described the arguments for a ban as “centred on the Daily Mail’s reputation for poor fact checking, sensationalism and flat-out fabrication”.
The Wikimedia Foundation, which runs Wikipedia but does not control its editing processes, said in a statement that volunteer editors on English Wikipedia had discussed the reliability of the Mail since at least early 2015.
It said: “Based on the requests for comments section [on the reliable sources noticeboard], volunteer editors on English Wikipedia have come to a consensus that the Daily Mail is ‘generally unreliable and its use as a reference is to be generally prohibited, especially when other more reliable sources exist’.

“This means that the Daily Mail will generally not be referenced as a ‘reliable source’ on English Wikipedia, and volunteer editors are encouraged to change existing citations to the Daily Mail to another source deemed reliable by the community. This is consistent with how Wikipedia editors evaluate and use media outlets in general – with common sense and caution.”

No Word On If He Was On The Sauce At The Time

Arrested in January for robbing a pizza delivery man of a couple of pizzas and $25 at gunpoint are Logan Alexander and more importantly for our purposes, Sheldon Cheese.

The victim, whose name was not released, was delivering the pizzas Tuesday to Cheese and his friend, Logan Alexander, 18, of Littlestown, Pa., at a location in Penn Township, according to the affidavit filed with Magisterial District Judge James Miner, who holds court in Hanover. Police contend that Cheese knocked on the man’s car window and the victim got out of his car while Alexander waited at the rear pointing a gun.

The delivery man gave the suspects two pizzas and $25, and they fled, police said.

Run From The Bullets

I certainly don’t advocate this sort of thing, but based on what little information we have here, I’m pretty sure she shot the wrong one.

The woman reportedly became irate when a taco truck worker denied her request to reheat her taco when she said it was cold.

But when her boyfriend told her to calm down, she allegedly pulled out a gun.

Her boyfriend was shot at one point, but it is not clear if she intentionally shot him or if the gun fired accidentally.

He is expected to survive, and has hopefully already made a mental note to himself to be a bit more strict about when is and is not a good time to tell her to lighten up.

Did Somebody Say McBullets?

This is one of the sillier you got my order wrong related meltdowns I’ve seen, but even so, dude’s lucky he didn’t get himself killed.

A man was so angry he did not get his chicken nuggets, he jumped on the counter at McDonald’s and fired two toy Nerf guns at a staff member before spraying foam bullets around the fast food outlet.
Jacob Martin Geels, 22, was fined for disorderly behaviour in the Greymouth District Court yesterday.
He was angry that he did not get his chicken nuggets so he jumped on the counter, shouted at everyone and then fired the toy guns he had with him, before leaving.
“When he was spoken to by police later on he said he thought it was funny and didn’t think anyone would care,” police prosecutor Lisa Thomson told the court.

But people did care, at least enough to convict him and fine him $100 while admonishing him for displaying the maturity of a four-year-old. To be fair though, he was acting at least six, maybe seven. I’m not sure a four-year-old would have been able to get onto the counter.