Category: news

Aug 14 2014

Arthur Price Had His Table, And Now This Woman Has Completed The Outdoor Humping…Er, Dining Set

Seattle Woman, 33, Arrested After “Humping” Lawn Chairs, Exposing Self

A female witness told officers that Hans “had come onto her lawn and was ‘humping’ the lawn chairs,” according to a Seattle Police Department report. The woman added that she and her two children–ages 15 and 11–watched Hans’s late-afternoon performance from a window in their home.

After grinding on the lawn chairs, Hans allegedly “exposed her vagina,” and then “smacked” her genitals “with her hand multiple times.” Additionally, the witnesses reported that Hans relieved herself on the lawn and “bent over and exposed her bottom.”

To the surprise of hopefully no one, police reported that Sila Hans was “extremely intoxicated” and “displaying erratic behavior” when confronted. She was also clearly out to seduce the chairs, as she arrived on the scene wearing a short dress and no underwear.

She was arrested and charged with a single count of indecent exposure. I’d have thrown in a destruction of property while I was at it, since there’s no way anybody’s going to want to sit in those seats ever again.

Aug 14 2014

Baby You Can Drive Me To My Car

If you require the use of a car to drive yourself to your car, you’ve undoubtedly had a good night. But if the car you wish to use is full of the police officers to whom it belongs and you seem to neither notice nor care, you’ve had your good night and possibly a decent share of somebody else’s and probably should’ve called it one a few hours ago.

According to the police report, three Pittsburgh officers were sitting in the car just after 2 a.m. in front of Club Xtaza on Smallman Street in the Strip District, where a 2,500-person after party for Friday night’s Wiz Khalifa concert was taking place.

The officer sitting in the driver’s seat had stepped out of the car to make a phone call while Officer Garrett Spory, sitting in the passenger seat, “was observing a crowd of five to six people in front of our vehicle who had clearly noticed our undercover vehicle.”

A woman in the group, identified as Ria Buford, 32, of Highland Park, walked over and sat down in the driver’s seat of the car. Officer Spory tried to push her out, yelling “Pittsburgh police, get out of the vehicle now! You’re under arrest!”

Ms. Buford informed the officers that she would be taking the car to drive it to her car, at which point the officer in the backseat also started to yell at her to get out of the vehicle.

“We were both terrified that she was going to attempt to drive away with both of us in the vehicle,” Officer Spory wrote the complaint.

Officer Spory got out of the car and ran around to the driver’s side to try to pull Ms. Buford out of the vehicle. A man identified only as John Doe grabbed the officer’s shirt and yelled not to touch Ms. Buford.

For his trouble, Mr. Doe got a tackling and a couple of good knee strikes to the back before his inevitable arresting.

He was charged with public drunkenness, aggravated assault and resisting arrest.

Buford was charged with public drunkenness also, as well as counts of robbery of a motor vehicle and disorderly conduct.

Aug 14 2014

Can You Drain Me Now?

A lot of us are pretty attached to our iPhones, but it is my sincere hope that most of us understand that no matter how important they are to us, it’s not worth trying to drain an entire pond to get yours back when you drop it over the side of a fishing boat and aren’t allowed to go in after it.

He sneaked back to the pond hours after the fishing trip ended — armed with pumps and two hoses.

He tried to direct the pond water into the club’s toilet, but ended up flooding a parking lot.

This alerted police, who foiled his plan to get his iPhone back.

“I thought two pumps would drain enough of the water from the pond so I could find my cellphone,” he told German media, according to Metro.

“I knew the phone was probably dead but wanted to get the data card back with the numbers, pictures and videos of my friends.”

It’s tempting to cut the kid the tiniest bit of slack because he’s a kid, but no.

The unidentified 16-year-old was ordered to pay for the damaged toilet, costs to clean up the mess he made in the parking lot and for water to refill the pond. And no, he never did get his phone back.

Aug 14 2014

C Is For Chokehold, ‘Cause You Ate My Cookies Three

I’ve eaten cookies for breakfast once or twice in my day. Look at me, of course I have. But if anything’s going to kill me for doing so, it’s going to be Father Time and Cousin Coronary, not Crazy Cookie Loving Roommate Guy A.K.A. Allen M. Hall.

After finding out that his unidentified 49-year-old female roommate had eaten 3 Chips Ahoy cookies, Hall is reported to have flipped his lid to such a digree that they almost became the last supper.

The incident occurred about 10:15 a.m. Wednesday in a house on the 400 block of East Garfield Avenue, where Hall and the roommate had separate bedrooms.

The victim said she was dressing in a bathroom when Hall started pounding on the door, threatening to kill her.

Because she didn’t take the threat seriously she opened the door and told him: “If you are going to kill me then go ahead,” the victim later told police.

Hall shocked her with his violent response.

“Allen grabbed her around the throat with both of his hands and threw her down into the tub,” she told police, said the affidavit. “She hit the back of her head on the tub and this caused a knot on her head.”

Hall then got on top of her “and strangled her to the point she could not speak and was having difficulty breathing.”

The victim’s husband and landlady both arrived on the scene and “had to pull Allen off of her.”

She later told police she believed “Allen would have killed her if (her husband and landlady) had not been there.”

During an interview, Hall, who might just be certifiably nuts, explained to police that “(The victim) told him to kill her, so he charged.”

Speaking of charged, he has been, of course. With attempted murder and aggravated domestic battery, to be specific. Bond was set at $75,000.

Aug 13 2014

There Was No Murder. His Brain Cells Were Already Dead

People will try just about anything to get out of a speeding ticket, up to and including calling 911 to report a fake murder while the officer is distracted in the hopes that he’ll ditch your silly little traffic stop to go help out, apparently.

When I say people, I mean Julius Lupowitz, because I can’t think of anyone else who’s done this. There was the guy from a few weeks ago (also from Florida)who did a similar thing while trying to hide, but Lupowitz wasn’t running, he was making the calls from his stationary car.

Lupowitz is heard in the call saying there was a man with a gun and that someone was going to get shot and then the call is disconnected.

“I see there’s a murder that’s going to happen, I swear, on Wingate, on Wingate. No, Wingate and Wickham. No, on Wingate and Hollywood, Wingate and Hollywood,” the man said in the call to 911. “I swear there’s going to be a murder any second. I swear there’s a man with a gun. Please, I just called, it’s Wingate and Hollywood.”

The 911 operator received a second call from the same man, telling the same story. As the operator probed the caller for more information, he again disconnected the line.

A quick-thinking Brevard County Sheriff’s Office dispatcher did a search for prior incidents associated with the telephone number the 911 calls came from to find the phone belonged to Lupowitz. West Melbourne Police Officer Ted Salem was on the traffic stop when the 911 calls were received.

So now, instead of the $209 ticket he was getting, he’s facing a third-degree felony charge for misuse of the 911 system that could land him in jail for up to five years…and the ticket.

Bail was set at $2,000. Given how odd some of the bail amounts are, I’m surprised they didn’t go ahead and set it at $2209 so he could get that speeding thing taken care of.

Aug 13 2014

Not The Kind Of 2 For 1 Flight Deal Anyone Would Want

It’s thankfully been a while since we’ve brought word of any in-flight gropings. So since this is the human race, you know what that means. Two for one time! Ug.

First up you might say is Eun-jong Lee, a 47-year-old professor.

According to a criminal complaint sworn by FBI Agent Mary Anne Flippo, Lee and the woman were seated next to each other on Flight 78. The woman, who was traveling alone, told agents she did not know Lee.

During the 13-hour flight, the woman nodded off, Flippo reported. She later awoke to find one of Lee’s hands “located on top of her shirt and touching her breast through her clothing.” Lee then allegedly “touched the skin of the Victim’s neck and attempted to place his hand down the front of her shirt.”

When the woman told Lee to stop touching her, he got up and walked to a restroom at the far end of the aircraft. The victim reported the incident to flight crew members, to whom she also provided a written statement.

When questioned, Lee is said to have confessed to “among other things, touching the Victim in her breast region with his hand.” Please tell me that quote is from the police report and not a line he uses on all the girls.

And I know things mean different things in different languages and some of you might call me insensitive, but it’s worth noting that Lee is a professor at Handong Global University. Seems oddly appropriate given the circumstances.

He faces a felony charge of abusive sexual contact, which carries with it a maximum sentence of 2 years and up to $250,000 in fines.

And then there’s this fine fellow, who didn’t even have the common decency to pervert all over somebody of age.

The creepy incident occurred Thursday afternoon on a US Airways flight from Charlotte, North Carolina, according to a federal criminal complaint accusing Bed Prakash of assaulting the juvenile victim, who was traveling alone.

The teenager told FBI Agent Bianca Betz that Prakash was seated next to her in row 12. Halfway through the trip, the girl recalled, Prakash briefly placed his hand on her outer thigh. He then “lightly touched the breast of the juvenile female on two occasions,” Betz charged.

Prakash subsequently returned his hand to the girl’s leg and “began moving his hand along her thigh in an upward motion,” the complaint charges. Fearing “what might happen next,” the teen pushed Prakash’s hand away.

At this point, Prakash clasped the girl’s fingers and “lifted their interlocked hands up, kissed the juvenile female’s hand, and whispered ‘I love you’ in her ear,” stated Betz.

“Shortly thereafter,” Betz said, Prakash leaned over to the girl and “whispered a statement which included the word ‘sucking,’ then added, ‘Don’t tell your mom.’”

Tell me that’s not a line he uses on all the girls.

Prakash is currently free on a $5000 unsecured bond and has been ordered to surrender his passport. If he’s convicted of the assault, he faces a maximum of one year in prison, five years probation and a $100,000 fine.

Aug 07 2014

I Hear Sirens. My Supper Must Be Burning

There’s not a whole lot of detail here, but aside from knowing that Stephen L. Quinn (who spells his first name incorrectly) broke into the Planet X Cafe in Delaware and was taken into custody by police as he made himself a dinner of crab cakes and booze instead of taking things and running away, what more do we need?

Aug 07 2014

Job Prospects And Vodka. What Are Two Things Going Down Hill In Oklahoma?

From this story, we learn two things:
1. Clothing stores in Oklahoma don’t have back to school sales.
2. The liquor stores, on the other hand…

A newly-hired teacher was found intoxicated and not wearing any pants inside an Oklahoma high school classroom on her first day of work, according to Wagoner police.

Police arrested Lorie Hill after two Wagoner High School teachers found her intoxicated and without pants in an empty classroom she was claiming to be her own, KOKI-TV reports. Recently hired by Wagoner Public Schools, Hill was reporting for her first day on the job as all teachers were also returning for their first day back in school from summer break.

“They didn’t know who she was, she was apparently new and was supposed to start yesterday,” Wagoner Police Chief Bob Haley told KOKI.

Hill admitted to police that she had been drinking before work that morning, and a search of her vehicle turned up an empty cup they say smelled of vodka.

She was arrested for public intoxication and later released. It’s unclear at this point whether or not she still has a job, as the school district declined to comment.

Aug 06 2014

Abandon Class, Or Maybe Just Trip And Fall Into The Hallway

You remember Captain Francesco Schettino, don’t you? He was the fellow tasked with piloting the Costa Concordia cruise ship the night it ran aground on an island, killing 32 people. Or perhaps you might better recall him as the man who, in the aftermath of the disaster when his decisions were called into question, told the world that he had not abandonned the ship in its time of need, but had tripped and fallen into a lifeboat that then took him to shore…completely by accident, of course. Yeah, that guy. You know the one.

Well, in spite of the fact that he’s currently on trial for multiple counts of manslaughter and charges that most of the time people don’t just fortuitously bumblefuck into lifeboats like that, he’s managed to find himself a new way to pass the time and presumably pay some bills.

In a decision one might compare to hiring Jeffrey Dahmer to teach cooking or dating safety, a university in Rome recently invited the Captain (Are we still allowed to call him that?) to give lectures on panic management. You know, because that worked out so well on tip over near the island day.

Schettino, who infamously claimed that he did not deliberately abandon the ship but instead “accidentally tripped” into a lifeboat that took him ashore, delivered a lecture to postgraduate students at Rome’s La Sapienza University on July 5.

The captain, whose trial will resume in the autumn after a summer break, reportedly used a 3D graphic of the night of the disaster to illustrate how he supposedly managed the chaotic evacuation of the 950ft-long ship, which is twice the size of the Titanic.

He has been accused of dithering over giving the decision to abandon ship and of scrambling ashore while hundreds of traumatised passengers and crew were still trying to evacuate.

When asked if maybe his choice of topic wasn’t exactly appropriate given his circumstances, Schettino removed his monsterous testicles from his trousers and began waving them like he just didn’t care.

“I was invited because I’m an expert,” the disgraced skipper told La Nazione newspaper. “I illustrated how situations of panic should be managed, discussing the human element in these situations.

“After all, I’ve sailed across every sea in the world. I know how one should behave in cases like this, how one needs to act when there are crew members of different nationalities.”

So presumably, the students learned how to say handy words and phrases such as “How many times have I told you guys not to just leave those damn boats lying around?” and “Let’s get outa here!” in several different languages.

Capt Schettino has consistently maintained that it was only thanks to his expertise and quick-thinking that the ship capsized in shallow water just a few hundred yards from the shore, rather than drifting out into deep water.

Had the ship sank there, there could have been hundreds, even thousands of casualties, rather than the 32 people who lost their lives in the tragedy.

“How come that after the attacks on the Twin Towers, people were throwing themselves out of windows, while during the capsizing of the Concordia nobody did anything like that?” he asked, apparently ignoring the fact that many passengers and crew felt compelled to leap into the sea from the listing ship.

Naturally there is much outrage over this, which prompted lecture organizer Vincenzo Mastronardi to issue a statement saying that he hadn’t invited Schettino, but that he had shown up “by surprise” and then spoken for 10 minutes.

So he just kind of fell into the classroom and spat out a faceful of lecture, basically.

Man, why can’t the rest of us trip and fall like that?

Aug 06 2014

Alright, Miss. Smile And Say I Have The Right To Remain Silent

Some days I wonder if the crooks are even trying anymore.

Police are on the hunt for a woman who is believed to have stolen a credit card from a 74-year-old woman at a Florida Walmart and used it to make nearly $500 worth of purchases from a beauty shop, a dollar store and a gas station. But unless the police are as out of it as she is or she’s smarter than she looks, the hunt shouldn’t last long, thanks to a picture she allowed a suspicious clerk to take of her with the card when she was unable to provide proper I.D.

According to cops, when the suspect sought last month to pay for more than $400 worth of items at an Ocala beauty supply store, a 21-year-old clerk asked for the shopper’s state ID. The customer explained that she did not have the government ID, but instead provided a photo of her bearing the name seen on the credit card.

However, the worker at the Looking Good Beauty Supply store “still did not feel comfortable with the transaction so he requested to take a photo of the subject with the card,” according to an Ocala Police Department report.

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