It seems to me that if I were an identity thief and a shoplifter who was already on probation, I would want to keep a low profile. What I would not want is to be caught doing something silly like, say, being an asshole to store clerks during a pandemic. Guelph police were first called …
Category Archives: news
Look Both Ways, Officer
Police locate missing 6-year-old boy after nearly being struck by train God this stuff annoys me. I don’t know if they still teach kids to read the news as a way of improving their own writing like they did when I was in school, but it might be time to fucking stop if yes. That …
Sorry To Have Disturbed You Folks. We’ll Be On Our Way Now If That’s Alright. But If You See Jimmy…
A few years ago, we had a very sketchy next door neighbour for a while. He had a lot of very sketchy friends, a good number of whom had trouble finding his apartment. Several times I answered our door and was greeted by a very confused individual who I then had to redirect down the …
Maybe Try 922?
There isn’t much in the way of details here, but I don’t know how many we really need. The only thing to remember is that if you’re going to place a screaming call to 911, there had better be something more important going on than my toilet is broken. St. Thomas police say a 911 …
Asses To Asses
I hate it when a news story drops a load of questions on you and then answers none of them. This one here, for example. Did this fellow know the guest of honour or are we dealing with a completely random attack? And if the answer is option A, how did things go so wrong …
Tea Bags
Honest question: What could this place have possibly done to screw up a tea order? Put ice in the cup? Tea is literally the only thing I’ve never seen a restaurant get wrong. It’s hot water and a bag. They either dunk it for you or give you the bag and you plop it in …
But My Customers Can’t Live Without Me!
This is a fine example of police throwing any charge they can think of against the wall and seeing if it sticks. It’s also pretty hilarious. Police in Hamilton, Ontario, saw a man driving aggressively and with improper plates. For reasons I don’t quite understand, they didn’t pull him over right away, but instead kept …
I’m Either Getting A Blood Clot Or I’m About To Faint Because The Ontario Government Did Something Right
Looks like a bunch of us idiots who did a smart thing and got the crappy vaccine that isn’t all that crappy, actually are going to be able to get the other half of our treatment without having to try out something that sounds kind of reckless even if it might ultimately work. This is …
Jail Trail
I suppose this is how the story would have gone if Hansel and Gretel were Drug trafficking morons. They were smart enough to plan their daring robbery in advance, but then…oh then. The men and another accomplice robbed a CVS in Clearwater about 5 a.m. on New Year’s Day, waving guns at employees and binding …
Alright Boys, Throw The Book AT Him
As a thief, your job is to take things with you, not leave them behind. This becomes especially important when the thing left behind is a notebook with a bunch of incriminating evidence and identifying information in it. Robert Shull Goddard, 49, allegedly broke into a house in the Hillwood neighborhood on Jan. 29 by …
