Category: news

Do These Pants Make Me Look Drunk?

I’m glad the Vermont state police have a shred of a reasonable explanation for why Allen R. Johnson Sr. may have thought it a good idea to get up and slip on a fresh pair of pants whilst driving his big rig down the highway one morning not long ago, because it means that at least someone does.

What is their explanation, you ask. It’s what you probably think it is…he was hammered and that’s what one does sometimes.

Police say 62-year-old Meriden, Connecticut, resident Allen R. Johnson Sr. had a blood alcohol level of 0.21 percent, five times the legal limit for operating a commercial motor vehicle on a public highway.
The truck rolled onto its side on Interstate 89 in Williston on Wednesday morning.
Police say Johnson was standing up between the front cab seats trying to change his pants while driving.

He was charged with driving under the influence and negligent operation, which I assume means of the vehicle and not the pants. He was treated for minor injuries at a local hospital.

I hope someone reports on the court date if there is one, because I’d love to hear Johnson’s thought process should one exist.

Today In What Are The Odds: Man Robs Car, Gets Hit By Another Car, Is Treated By Owner Of The First Car

If this story has taught me anything, it’s that paramedics are much better people than I am. I can’t guarantee that I wouldn’t have started harvesting this fella’s organs on the spot.

Firefighters at a station in the Central West End had noticed the lights were on in a car in the parking lot, fire Capt. Gregg Favre said.
After investigating, they found the car had been broken into.
The paramedic who owned the car filed a report with police about the break-in and the theft of possessions that has been inside.
Fifteen minutes later, the paramedic was among the first responders to a call about a pedestrian struck by a car in the 5500 block of Page Avenue in north St. Louis.

At that scene, the paramedic saw something that looked familiar — his gym bag and other personal possessions — lying next to the man who had been hit.

The medic called police to let them know they likely had a pretty short investigation on their hands, but only after treating the victim/living embodiment of what goes around comes around as he would in any other case.

There was no word on charges at the time this was written, but the luckiest unlucky man of the day was said to be in stable condition.

Ok, Class. How Do You Say I Can’t Speak Spanish In Spanish? You Don’t Know? Don’t Worry, Neither Do I

You may not know it if you judge by most of the things you see here, but I like to think that over all, most human beings are pretty reasonable. Reasonable enough not to…let’s say apply for a job they’re not even remotely qualified to do because it requires a very important skill they don’t possess. Most people, when encountering such a situation, will do one of two things: Either let it go and try to find something else that’s more in their wheelhouse, or take the months or years needed to learn a new thing and then take another run at it. When you’re reasonable, those seem like the only two logical options. But when you’re Floridian third grade teacher Tracy Rosner, there’s a third option. Apply anyway, get turned down, cry racial discrimination and then sue the school board.

After a decade of working at Coral Reef Elementary, Rosner requested last year to teach reading and language arts to students in the Extended Foreign Language (EFL) program, a track that allows students to learn a language other than English for an hour per day.
The school rejected her request because it requires that reading and language arts instructors of the EFL program speak Spanish, said the lawsuit.
Rosner’s lawyers said she was denied the job “because of her race and national origin as a Non-Hispanic individual who was not a fluent and native Spanish-speaker.”
Rosner said the school could have given her the position and had another instructor teach the Spanish component.
The lawsuit claims that because non-Spanish speakers are in the minority population of Miami-Dade County – where census data shows that about two-thirds of the area’s population are Latino or Hispanic – denying Rosner because she does not speak Spanish amounts to “employment discrimination on the basis of race and national origin.”

Going by this lawsuit, maybe they should find her an opening in the creative writing department.

How Would You Feel About Paying Me In Advance, Boss

We’ve already determined that stabbing your prospective boss is a poor way to land that dream job, and while we don’t know 100 percent for sure what happened here, I feel pretty confident that stealing his wallet when he leaves the room for a minute is going to work about as well.

Takeda is suspected of stealing the wallet containing ¥50,000 in cash from the president’s bag during the interview at an elevator maintenance company in Seya Ward, Yokohama, on the evening of Nov. 10.
Police believe Takeda took advantage of easy access to the bag when the president briefly left the room.
After the interview, the president noticed that the wallet had disappeared and reported the incident to the police, speculating that Takeda could have taken it. The president said only he and Takeda were in the office during the interview.

Police were able to track Shogo Takeda down in exactly the manner you’d figure, through the contact details included on his application. When they questioned him, Takeda told them that “I wanted to work for that company, but since I haven’t got a job I needed money,” which is a statement so dumb it almost has me wondering if this might just be fake. I don’t think it is, by the way.

Takeda was arrested, but whether or not charges were filed and if so what they were was not reported.

I Have One Just Like That. And That. And That. And…

Pawning stolen goods to make some quick cash is something that’s been done thousands if not millions of times. But as often as it’s been done, as yet nobody’s quite figured out how to make sure that the stuff you’re pawning doesn’t already belong to the owner of your pawn shop of choice.

According to a report from Clarksville Police, Jeremy Allen Watts, 30, and Jessica Faye Heady, 24, visited the Cash America Pawn shop on Riverside Drive with several items to pawn.
The pawn shop owner and victim, Edward Dial, recognized the items and went home, the report said.
There, he noticed that someone had broken into his residence and taken several items, the report said.
According to the report, Watts and Heady tried to pawn two PlayStation video game system, controllers, video games and DVDs. The property was valued at more than $1,000.

Both were charged with aggravated burglary and held on $50000 bond, which may mean they’ll have time to sit around and finally solve that puzzle.

Today In Things Too Dangerous For The Public: Drumming On Empty Bean Cans

Listen to me very carefully, children of the United Kingdom. Don’t you dare click this play button. If you click it, you’ll see people singing, having what looks to be a nice time and playing the drums on tin cans. When you see that, you’re going to want to do it yourself. And when you do it yourself, you’re going to get injured. So don’t you dare click that button, you hear me?

You clicked it, didn’t you? I know you did. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Fine. Keep it up. But when you get yourself hurt, don’t come running to me or to the Advertising Standards Authority. There’s a reason they banned that commercial from broadcast television. They know you can’t be trusted with dangerous things like tin cans and must be protected from your own child-like stupidity.

In the ad, several people are seen singing and drumming on empty tin cans. The song has a positive message about love, but the ASA fears it carries more sinister connotations: If a child were to try replicating the song with his or her own cans, they might cut themselves on the sharp edges of the can’s lip or lid.

According to Heinz, who’s beans are being recklessly shilled in the above ad, no injuries have been reported, because of course they haven’t. But the ASA isn’t budging.

“We considered there was a health and safety risk [in recreating the ‘Can Song’] particularly if a child was to attempt to play the song with an empty tin without adult supervision,” it said in a statement.

I’m not trying to say it’s impossible to nick yourself on a can. I’ve done it once or twice. Much like paper cuts, it’s amazing how much those little scratches can bleed sometimes. But strangely, the only times I’ve run afoul of the can gods have been when I’ve been using them properly. Ditto for everyone else I’ve ever seen have this happen. So maybe we need to ban cans altogether lest a child try to prepare and eat something. Clearly that’s much more dangerous. And hey, cans have paper on them, and there’s a reason it’s called a paper cut. So yeah, down with cans, and down with paper! Thank you, ASA. You have no idea how many lives you’ve saved today.

Put Your Best Foot, Or At Least A Few Inches, Woodward

All that Patrick R. Marsh wanted was something we’ve all wanted at one time or another, I think. To “obtain” a little “courtship” from a lovely young thing on a warm summer day. Nothing wrong with that. No, nothing at all. Nor is there anything wrong with injecting a touch of creativity into your romantic pursuits. Some folks appreciate that. But rare is the bird who will perceive as creative and react appreciatively to your methods consisting of knocking on the door bare ass naked, twig and berries in hand. That’s a problem.

When the 30-year-old female victim answered her door in Woodward Township at about 12:30 p.m., she found a nude Patrick R. Marsh, 59, standing there with his genitals in his hands, according to police. 
Marsh went to the woman’s door in the East Park Drive Apartments complex “in an attempt to obtain courtship,” the Pennsylvania State Police said.

Yes, Woodward Township.

Marsh was charged with indecent exposure. No word on time spent in custody or whether courtship was obtained there.

Maybe This Could Have Been Avoided Had They Asked If He Took Payment In Televisions

I’m fairly certain I’ve said this before, but it seems it needs repeating.

If you’re going to take a taxi to a robbery, first of all don’t, but just as importantly, don’t stiff the driver. It won’t end well.

Photo of Kenneth Burke and Timothy Foote.
Kenneth Burke, 46, and Timothy Foote, 38, of Ocean Township, called for a taxi to a home on Norwood Avenue in Deal on Friday night, said Deal police Sgt. Brian Egan.
Egan said they instructed the taxi driver to wait outside before they returned a short time later with a television set and some liquor bottles. He said the driver then took them to an apartment in Asbury Park, where they got out without paying the fare.

The driver, apparently not a fan of being robbed, called police to report not just that he hadn’t been paid, but also that they might want to check on that house.

Burke and Foote were both charged with burglary, conspiracy to commit burglary, criminal trespass and theft. The stolen items were returned to their rightful owner. NO word on whether or not the cabby finally got his money.

Stop! In The Name Of The Log!

The police have a really hard job, but I bet that some days it’s pretty fun. Like on the day when some dude you’re chasing makes it easy for you by plowing straight into a tree and knocking himself cold. That sounds like a riot.

According to the Michigan State Police, around 1:10 a.m. on Saturday, Troopers from the MSP Negaunee Post were dispatched to a home on Longyear Drive in Negaunee Township for a home invasion. The home owner initially woke after hearing a noise at the front door, then heard several loud bangs, and went downstairs to investigate. The homeowner then saw a male subject inside the entryway of the home. After confronting and yelling at the intruder, the suspect fled on foot.
When Troopers arrived, they were able to locate the suspect who ran into the woods, but despite orders to stop, the suspect continued to run away. The suspect was eventually located by a State Police K-9, lying on the ground unconscious. It appeared the suspect had ran into a tree, and knocked himself out.

Once revived, Jacob Paul-Daniel Roemer was charged with first degree home invasion and assaulting/resisting/obstructing a police officer.

What Will You Wear, Kurt Jenkins

“And what is your costume supposed to be, little boy?”, is what I’d like to imagine the first question asked by the officer who encountered Kurt Jenkins on Halloween was.

According to a Boynton Beach police report, a witness called police to complain of a naked man who was driving slowly through the neighborhood. The witness said the naked man, later identified as Jenkins, pulled up alongside him and gestured for him to look at Jenkins’ groin area.
“(The witness) observed Jenkins was completely naked and saw an electronic device with wires, which was attached to Jenkins’ penis,” the police report said.
According to the report, the witness said Jenkins opened the passenger door and asked him to get inside. The witness declined but took a photograph of Jenkins naked behind the wheel.
Police said Jenkins made several passes through the neighborhood, slowing down — “almost to a complete stop” — as several children from a nearby school were dropped off.

Jenkins, who is 55 and far too old to be trick-or-treating, nevertheless had charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition, exposure of sexual organs and resisting a law enforcement officer without violence slipped into his bag…which sounds like something he may have enjoyed, now that I think about it.