Category: news

Department Of Masturbating Vigorously

And now, your semi-regular reminder to stay off the drugs.

Responding to 911 calls about a pair of “white males running around the lot taking off their clothes,” Warren City Police Department cops Friday morning encountered Timothy Cook, 32, who reportedly had been “growling and punching the cement.”
Cook, a witness told officers, had entered a state motor vehicles office and began waving his arms around. He then exited the building and “began masturbating on the sidewalk,” according to a police report.
When a cop subsequently approached Cook, the suspect was sweating profusely and “acting like a gorilla.” Cook, an officer noted, was “squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop and jumping up and down screaming noncoherently.”

Shockingly, they were able to both detain and get him into an ambulance without incident. He was treated for an overdose, but what he may have been on wasn’t noted so all we know is that we don’t want any, thanks. He’s since been charged with one count of disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Yes, that’s all.

The man with him was identified as Osmond LeMasters, which is a funny last name if you’ve been paying attention. He too was charged with a single count of disorderly conduct while intoxicated, but didn’t appear to need any sort of medical treatment.

Sure Did

The incident happened at about 11:36 p.m. Saturday on County Road 466 near County Road 105, the report said.
The deputy was driving east on the highway when he saw a man, later identified as Justin Carl Walker, of Oxford, standing on the shoulder.
“As I and another vehicle came closer to the subject, the subject quickly darted across four lanes of traffic with his shorts partially down,” the deputy said. “(Walker” stopped in the roadway and looked at both myself and the other vehicle where I observed his (genitals) to be fully exposed and his shorts to be partially dropped.”
The deputy activated his emergency lights and started chasing the man on foot as he quickly walked away, the report said.
When the deputy caught up to Walker, his genitals were still in full view, the report said.
“I asked the defendant why his pants were down,” the deputy said. “The defendant looked down at his crotch and shrugged his shoulders, saying, ‘I guess I did something stupid.’”

The report goes on to note that all the while, Walker didn’t bother to put the boys away, at one point even lifting his shirt to show off more of himself when asked to pull up his pants.

He was charged with one count of indecent exposure and one count of resisting arrest without violence.

Who’s Goin’ Dumbass Huntin’? Cops Is Goin’ Dumbass Huntin’!

In case the title makes no sense to you…

The festival in question is the Gathering of the Juggalos, so the ICP reference seemed appropriate.

In some ways, I’m sure selling drugs at a music festival is harder than it sounds. It’s loud, for a start. A lot of attendees are paying you no mind because they’re just there for the music, for some reason. And there’s almost certainly going to be market competition. If you want to make any sort of decent money, you’re going to have to find a way to stand out. And even then you don’t want to stand out too much, because there’s going to be cops and security guards everywhere.

“But Steve, how do I know if I’m standing out too much?”

Easy. If you’re doing anything that these guys did, you’ve gone too far.

Four people were charged Monday with offenses, including Malik H. Ahmad, 38, and his girlfriend, Jessica Reyes, 20, both of Wisconsin. Both were arrested Friday after an undercover Licking County Sheriff’s Office deputy observed Ahmad “speaking on a loud speaker advertising cocaine for sale,” according to court records.
The deputy reported observing multiple sales of cocaine and asked uniformed deputies to arrest Ahmad and seize a white bag that appeared to be being used to store the drugs before they were sold.
When deputies arrived, Ahmad reportedly handed the bag off to Reyes, who fled the area. Deputies had to use a stun gun to subdue Ahmad as he continued to resist arrest, according to court documents.
Reyes was tracked down by deputies and also arrested. The white bag was found to contain about 100 grams of cocaine, as well as a large amount of heroin, a large amount of money and drug paraphernalia.

Also on Saturday, deputies arrested 31-year-old Columbus resident Kimmy V. Gable after he was reportedly spotted with a cardboard sign advertising cocaine, marijuana, ketamine and beer.

An undercover officer observed Gable sell substances from a green backpack to concertgoers, according to court records.
The backpack was found to contain about 25 grams of cocaine, some of which was packaged for sale; a crystalline substance; marijuana; and drug paraphernalia, court records said.

Someone May Be Going To Jail, But I Doubt It’s The Kid. Not Yet, At Least

It’s been a while, but another person has landed in some trouble for gettin’ their Roger Stephens on. This time it’s 71-year-old Beverly Ann Hardy, who now faces a felony charge of assault on a minor thanks to some unruly punk.

According to court records, Darla Edwards called police shortly before 11 a.m. to report that an elderly woman she did not know approached her 4-year-old foster son, slapped him across the face and then yelled at him that he would be going to jail.
The woman then yelled at Edwards to “get control of the child” and continued to yell at her as she got into her car.
Edwards said her foster son was acting “like a 4-year-old boy” and was jumping and running around in the parking lot.

It’s probably just the way the story is written, but if it’s not it’s kind of interesting that when questioned, Hardy seems to be admitting to belting the little fucker at least one more time than his mom said she did.

When officers arrived at Hardy’s residence and approached to speak with her she reportedly said, “I bet you’re looking for me.”
When asked what had happened at the restaurant, Hardy said she was leaving the restaurant and saw the child running in the parking lot.
“She said (the boy) was unattended and she felt the need to discipline the child,” court records state. “She pulled him out of traffic, swatted him on the behind and on the cheek.”
When confronted by a woman in the parking lot, Hardy said she told her the boy may be going to prison by age 10 if he was not better controlled.
Hardy told the officer she did not feel like what she did was wrong.

A completely understandable view to take when faced with an irritating 4-year-old, but even so, you probably shouldn’t do that. Probably.

Oh Baby, You’re The Grill Of My Dreams

Whether Michael Henson was having a really really good Tuesday or a really really bad Tuesday is a matter we could probably debate all day long, and which side of the argument you fall on is going to depend on how you feel about several things. The copious ingestion of substances, the amount of fun one can derive from swinging on stop signs, how liberating you find walking around in nothing but gym shorts, how much you enjoy camping or whether passing out in some guy’s yard even counts as such and how cute you would find the man van babies that might be coming to Ohio in the next nine months or so. It would be nine months, wouldn’t it? Somebody check on the gestation period of automobiles and get back to me.

Police responded to a report that a man with his pants down was swinging from a stop sign on Tuesday evening, WDTN-TV reported. 
When officers arrived, they found Michael Henson, who appeared to be intoxicated, walking around wearing only gym shorts and shoes.
A woman who called police told officers she saw Henson standing near a parked van. She said Henson pulled his shorts down and placed his genitals in the front grill of the van, WDTN reports.

The witness said Henson continued his actions with the van for a while before he passed out in a nearby yard.

Oh, and if you’re calling this one for the good time brigade, you’re going to have to see public indecency charges as a positive outcome, because Henson earned himself one of those by the end of the night.

Thanks for the link, Michelle. I don’t always remember to credit people for these things, so I’ll bet you’re proud as punch to have your name attached to this one.

Gee Guys, What Do You Want To Do Tonight? The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Walk Naked In The Parking Lot

But for one detail, this would be little more than your standard ambling exhibitionist news item.

The strange call came in to police just before 10 p.m. last night. The caller reported seeing a naked man strolling in a parking lot near Milner Avenue and Morningside Avenue,  police say.

However, before police could arrive, the man got into a van with more naked men and left according to a Toronto Police Operations tweet.

Yes, there was a troop of them. What could they have been doing, I wonder. Were they just trying to get noticed? Were they playing truth or dare? Did one of them lose his wallet? It’s not as though he had anyplace to put it, so that’s as likely as anything else.

Unfortunately, we may never know. The person who called them in didn’t manage to get their license plate number and it seems police were unable to track them down.

Welcome to the newest great mystery of our time, ladies and gentleman…clothed or otherwise.

United Taxi Has Free Wi-Fi Now

This is probably old news to some of you, but I didn’t know about it, so odds are a lot of others won’t either.

In an effort to compete with Uber, United Taxi, in my experience the least friendly and most unhelpful cab company in the area, is now offering free wi-fi in all of its cars. It’s a good idea considering how many folks take cabs from here to Pearson Airport, which is easily over an hour drive on a low traffic day.

I’m a little surprised that they’re only the second company in the country to think of this. I haven’t taken a taxi in Toronto in years, but had you asked me I’d have guessed that this would have been all over the place there by now.

United Taxi cars now have free Wi-Fi on-board, a feature the company hopes will give it a competitive edge.
Manager of the local taxi service, Dave Buyers, said all cars are equipped with their own systems and passengers just need to ask the driver for the password.
“We wanted to be innovating and have an edge on Uber,” Buyers said.
The Waterloo Region fleet is the second in Canada to offer free Wi-Fi in taxis.
Vancouver-based Yellow Cab launched free Wi-Fi in its fleet last year.

The Doughnuts Won’t Be The Only Things With Holes In Them, You Uncaring Son Of A…!

I’m not sure if you guys are aware of this, but it’s 2016 and telephone technology is rather trivial to come by. I feel like maybe if Timothy Nelson had been among the aware, perhaps all of this could have been avoided.

According to a police report, Timothy Nelson “went to get doughnuts for his wife” Friday morning at a store near the couple’s home in New Albany, a city about six miles from Louisville. But the store “did not have the type she normally gets.”
So, cops say, Nelson returned home “without the doughnuts.” This did not sit well with his wife Michelle, 37, who was upset that her spouse “did not know what else she liked after being together for several years.”
When a heated argument over secondary doughnut choices followed, Timothy sought to leave the residence, but “Michelle was blocking the door.” During the ensuing scuffle, “Michelle lunged back at him and she had a grill fork in her hand. The grill fork stuck in Timothy’s chest.”
After pulling the fork from his chest, Timothy fled the home, with Michelle “following him and still yelling at him.”

Police arrived to find Tim sitting against a tree, trying to stop the bleeding from a puncture wound on the right side of his chest. It was noted that both his t-shirt and jeans were soaked with blood. An ambulance was called and he was taken to hospital for treatment.

Michelle was also taken, but not to the hospital in the ambulance. She got to ride in a nice police car after being charged with felony aggravated battery. At last report she was being held in the jail it drove to in lieu of $75,000 bond.

In 300 Metres, You Would Have Been Just Fine, You Dope

I long ago gave up even reading stories about numbskulls who blindly follow their GPS units into bad situations, but there’s something different about this one. Yes it’s somebody reacting to what their GPS says in the stupidest way possible, but somehow this one strikes me as worse than usual because in most of those cases, the person is at least trying to follow instructions while not driving like a damn fool. This time? Not so much.

Police say 30-year-old Nabila Altahan of Dorchester, Massachusetts, was headed west on U.S. Route 4 when she passed her intended destination and the GPS gave sudden directions to turn around.
Police say Altahan reacted quickly to the instructions, leaving the road at a significant enough speed to propel the vehicle up the wires.

There’s a photo at the above link that I can’t use here for copyright reasons that shows the aftermath. Her car ended up suspended almost vertically on the guy wires of a utility pole, I’m told.

Neither her nor her passenger were injured due to this idiocy, which is nice, I guess.

There was no mention of careless driving charges, however, which is not nice.

Let the blind guy give you some free driving advice. When the machine says turn around, it doesn’t mean right now. It’s ok to find a safe place even if you have to travel a bit of a distance to get there.

Good lord.

And Now, Jerry Will Play Us A Little Number On The Organ

According to cops, a worker operating a street sweeper on July 12 stopped to use the restroom at a small park in Brooksville, a Tampa suburb. While in a stall, the man told police, a man entered the restroom and went into the adjoining stall.
In short order, cops say, the victim was confronted with the private parts of Jerry Childress, 75, who “shoved his penis through the divider wall and waited.”
The “agitated” victim subsequently confronted Childress, who “promptly exited the restroom and fled the scene on foot.”

The unidentified victim then called 911 before going back to work and letting police take it from there, which clearly shows that he is made of stronger stuff than I. I would almost certainly be too busy freaking out to worry about the swept nature of the streets.

But not only did this fellow see fit to go back to doing his own job, he then had to do the jobs of the police when he spotted Childress coming out of the woods.

When Childress got into his car and drove away, the victim began following him (apparently while behind the wheel of the street sweeper). After tailing Childress to the Faith Evangelical Presbyterian Church, the victim called cops.

When questioned (by police, not the street sweeper who seems to do everything else), Childress confessed, though no motive was reported.

He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure and later released on $1000 bond pending a court hearing in August.

He also appears to have lost his job at the church he drove to, where up to that point he had been employed as, of all things, the organist.