Category: news

Sep 16 2014

I’ll Be Home As Soon As I Finish Cooking Up A Story About Why I’m Not Home Yet, Honey

I’m a pretty lucky guy. If I want to stay out late with my friends, Carin is either with us anyway or asks nothing more of me than to please try not to wake her up whenever I decide to come home. The idea that I’d have to fake a debt-related kidnapping in order to squeak in a couple extra drinks has never crossed my mind, not even once. But not everyone is me. There are haves and there are have nots in this world, as we learn more and more each day.

Officers spent seven hours searching for the man from Bolton, in northwest England, on Friday.
His girlfriend had gone to the cops after he told her he was being held against his will over a debt.
Instead he was at a house party.
The 32-year-old was found after police checked closed-circuit TV footage taken close to his home, reported the BBC.

Detective Inspector Jo Clawson, who has clearly never been to Florida, called the case “without doubt one of the most foolish and irresponsible incidents I have been involved in.”

The unidentified man was ordered to pay a fine, and the incident will go on his permanent record even though no charges were filed.

Sep 16 2014

I’ll Huff And I’ll Puff And I’ll…Fall Over And Get Arrested Once They Let Me Out Of The Hospital

The list of reasons not to rob a bank is a fairly long one. Had Shantoria Valentine bothered to construct such a list, I wonder if she would have been smart enough to include “I have no getaway car and running 3 blocks just ain’t gonna happen” on it.

Mike Wadleigh noticed a woman hurrying by his apartment near the bank and told WOWT 6 News she’d “shuffle a little bit, run a little bit, walk a little bit, shuffle a little bit.”
Dave Ishii with Ralston Schools said, “I noticed it was a gal. She came through the gate and kept looking behind her.” Dave spotted her from his truck. He had no idea she was a bank robbery suspect, but could tell she was running from something. “I jumped out of the truck and pointed at the cop, this way.”
Ralston Middle School is three blocks from the bank. It’s all uphill. “I ran up the steps and by the time I got up there another person had her cornered,” said Ishii. “She was pretty well winded then. She just laid down and put her hands out.”
Valentine was having trouble breathing and needed medical attention.

After being released from the hospital, she was charged with robbery, making terroristic threats and threatening to use explosives, all felonies. Police are also looking into the possibility that she could have been the same woman involved in a more successful heist a few months earlier.

Sep 12 2014

It’s A Smallwood After All

When your name is Ryan Christopher Smallwood, you’d think that the last conversation you would want to get involved in would be one about your…well…wood. In this case, you would be wrong.

At about 1 a.m., a Rock Hill police officer working overtime at the Waffle House on South Anderson Road noticed Ryan Christopher Smallwood, 26, of Fayetteville, N.C., sitting in a booth, “flipping the bird” at a restaurant customer, according to a Rock Hill police report. Smallwood’s pants were dropped to his ankles, the officer reported, though he still had his boxers up around his waist.
The officer ordered Smallwood to pull up his pants, warning him that any further inappropriate behavior would result in police asking him to leave the Waffle House, the report states. Smallwood pulled his pants back up and the officer walked back across the restaurant. Not much time later, the officer overheard Smallwood talking about his privates to two other people sitting at the bar.

True to his word, the officer asked him to leave, which went about as well as you think. An argument ensued, one which the officer won handily by placing Smallwood under arrest for public disorderly conduct.

Sep 12 2014

He Still Could’ve Been Better

This one’s kind of funny.

A Manassas City principal resigned and has lost his teaching license after officials alleged that he falsified most of his educational credentials, presenting himself as having college degrees he did not and slipping through school system vetting procedures.

His name? Robin Toogood.

Sep 12 2014

Give Me All Your Money! Ok, How About Some Of It? Any Of It? Anybody?

Today in a life of crime is not for you, we have this clown from Seattle.

A 40-year-old man entered a restaurant in the 600 block of Fifth Avenue South about 8 p.m. and instructed employees to pass him all the cash in the register, according to police reports. He reportedly flashed a long, metal cylinder, prompting restaurant staff to believe the man was armed with a gun.
But the workers told the robber to take the tip jar, which held about $15, reports say.
The robber grabbed the jar, then demanded money from several customers in the restaurant, according to Seattle police.
The customers apparently weren’t up to giving their cash to a stranger, so the man switched gears and tried to incite a collective dine-and-dash, saying he was “there to help” them escape the restaurant, police reports say.
The patrons remained unimpressed, so the faltering bandit tried to kick open a side door. However, kicking the locked door caused him to bounce backward and onto the floor.
The robber found another escape route, ran to a door and kicked a restaurant worker on his way out, according to police.

With robbery having gone so well, it was time to move on to carjacking.

He first attempted to snatch the keys of a woman standing near her car, but was somehow so inept at this task that rather than screaming or fighting him off, her reaction was to pull out her cell phone and start filming him.

Next stop was a gas station across the street, where a request to hand over his keys was refused by a man in that parking lot. That man was however kind enough to offer our friend a ride, but that offer was declined.

Perhaps it was declined due to thirst, since the next order of business was heading inside the station to purchase, not pilfer, a drink. This, I should point out, appears to have been the only part of this escapade to have gone off without incident. There may be a message in there somewhere.

But since a guy can’t even enjoy a drink behind a building anymore, it was about this time when police arrived to put his crime spree out of its misery.

The man, who’s name was not released, told police that he had been carrying a flashlight, not a gun and that he had gone into the restaurant after hearing screams coming from inside.

A search of the man turned up only $7 and a cell phone, which if he took all the money in the restaurant’s tip jar means that the one who may have been robbed worst of all was him, having paid $8 for a drink. I didn’t realize they had Hasty Market in Seattle. Carin will get that one if nobody else does.

Police booked him into jail while they investigated the robbery. No word on what he’s up to now.

Sep 12 2014

The Pain In Spain Falls Mainly From The Plane

There’s a reason it’s called the ice bucket challenge and not the ice fire-fighting plane challenge, you fucking idiot.

Photographer Bruno Brokken, 51, was flown to hospital in a “critical condition” after the aeroplane opened the hatch dropping 396 gallons of water from a height of 22 feet at an aerodrome near Girona in north east Spain.
“They had arranged to do it as part of the Ice Bucket Challenge craze in order to raise money for ALS,” Rolf Kuratle, head of Skydive Empuriabrava, told Spanish newspaper paper The Local.
“The pilot flew a fire-fighting plane, the kind used to put out forest fires, and dumped the load onto his friend. They obviously miscalculated how much water it was.”
Mr Brokken, who is also a full-time skydiver with over 15,000 jumps to his name, was recovering in Girona’s Josep Truenta Hospital having luckily not sustained any internal injuries.

Sep 11 2014

I’ll Have A Large Trouble Trouble, Extra Cream

Listen up, fellas. I’m gonna say this one more time. It probably won’t be the last time mind you, but a guy can dream.

No matter how much you like the girl and want nothing more in this world than for her to just like you back, there are much, and I really do mean much better ways of telling her so than giving her a little extra cream in her coffee.

According to the criminal complaint, an employee at Beisswenger’s hardware store in New Brighton called police on Aug. 26., saying she thought Lind, her co-worker, was leaving bodily fluids on her desk.

She told officers that she found Lind that afternoon standing in front of her desk, his back turned to her and his hands near his crotch. The worker wasn’t sure what Lind was doing, but she told police he had a “deer in the headlights” expression on his face when he noticed her behind him.

Lind then quickly left the room and slammed the door behind him, the worker said. Seconds later, Lind came back, told the worker he had a question for her but forgot it. He then left the area.

The worker told police she inspected her desk and found fluid on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy.

The worker told police that she’d had problems with Lind for months. He’d allegedly leave his zipper down often. It happened so much that the worker said she threatened to report Lind if it happened again.

Under police questioning, John R. Lind admitted to the August 26th incident, also mentioning that it happened to be his birthday. Perhaps he thought there was a get one free discount like they sometimes give you at restaurants, who knows? He also confessed to brewing her a special cup of Joe (I guess it would be John in this case) twice in the last 6 months and leaving similar presents on her desk 4 times, presents that he claimed to have wiped up with the aforementioned hair scrunchy.

When asked why he did it, Lind gave the classic answer. Yes, I was attracted to her and wanted her to notice me is in fact a classic answer because yes, we have covered this sort of thing before. Lind did offer, however, that he knew that what he was doing was “gross and wrong.”

The worker, meanwhile, told police that she had a feeling there was more to the story than twice in half a year, stating that her coffee had tasted funny on several occasions but that she thought it was the fault of spoiled cream. Well…

Lind is charged with 2 counts of criminal sexual conduct. If convicted, he could spend a year in prison, be ordered to pay a $4500 fine or both.

Aug 14 2014

Arthur Price Had His Table, And Now This Woman Has Completed The Outdoor Humping…Er, Dining Set

Seattle Woman, 33, Arrested After “Humping” Lawn Chairs, Exposing Self

A female witness told officers that Hans “had come onto her lawn and was ‘humping’ the lawn chairs,” according to a Seattle Police Department report. The woman added that she and her two children–ages 15 and 11–watched Hans’s late-afternoon performance from a window in their home.

After grinding on the lawn chairs, Hans allegedly “exposed her vagina,” and then “smacked” her genitals “with her hand multiple times.” Additionally, the witnesses reported that Hans relieved herself on the lawn and “bent over and exposed her bottom.”

To the surprise of hopefully no one, police reported that Sila Hans was “extremely intoxicated” and “displaying erratic behavior” when confronted. She was also clearly out to seduce the chairs, as she arrived on the scene wearing a short dress and no underwear.

She was arrested and charged with a single count of indecent exposure. I’d have thrown in a destruction of property while I was at it, since there’s no way anybody’s going to want to sit in those seats ever again.

Aug 14 2014

Baby You Can Drive Me To My Car

If you require the use of a car to drive yourself to your car, you’ve undoubtedly had a good night. But if the car you wish to use is full of the police officers to whom it belongs and you seem to neither notice nor care, you’ve had your good night and possibly a decent share of somebody else’s and probably should’ve called it one a few hours ago.

According to the police report, three Pittsburgh officers were sitting in the car just after 2 a.m. in front of Club Xtaza on Smallman Street in the Strip District, where a 2,500-person after party for Friday night’s Wiz Khalifa concert was taking place.

The officer sitting in the driver’s seat had stepped out of the car to make a phone call while Officer Garrett Spory, sitting in the passenger seat, “was observing a crowd of five to six people in front of our vehicle who had clearly noticed our undercover vehicle.”

A woman in the group, identified as Ria Buford, 32, of Highland Park, walked over and sat down in the driver’s seat of the car. Officer Spory tried to push her out, yelling “Pittsburgh police, get out of the vehicle now! You’re under arrest!”

Ms. Buford informed the officers that she would be taking the car to drive it to her car, at which point the officer in the backseat also started to yell at her to get out of the vehicle.

“We were both terrified that she was going to attempt to drive away with both of us in the vehicle,” Officer Spory wrote the complaint.

Officer Spory got out of the car and ran around to the driver’s side to try to pull Ms. Buford out of the vehicle. A man identified only as John Doe grabbed the officer’s shirt and yelled not to touch Ms. Buford.

For his trouble, Mr. Doe got a tackling and a couple of good knee strikes to the back before his inevitable arresting.

He was charged with public drunkenness, aggravated assault and resisting arrest.

Buford was charged with public drunkenness also, as well as counts of robbery of a motor vehicle and disorderly conduct.

Aug 14 2014

Can You Drain Me Now?

A lot of us are pretty attached to our iPhones, but it is my sincere hope that most of us understand that no matter how important they are to us, it’s not worth trying to drain an entire pond to get yours back when you drop it over the side of a fishing boat and aren’t allowed to go in after it.

He sneaked back to the pond hours after the fishing trip ended — armed with pumps and two hoses.

He tried to direct the pond water into the club’s toilet, but ended up flooding a parking lot.

This alerted police, who foiled his plan to get his iPhone back.

“I thought two pumps would drain enough of the water from the pond so I could find my cellphone,” he told German media, according to Metro.

“I knew the phone was probably dead but wanted to get the data card back with the numbers, pictures and videos of my friends.”

It’s tempting to cut the kid the tiniest bit of slack because he’s a kid, but no.

The unidentified 16-year-old was ordered to pay for the damaged toilet, costs to clean up the mess he made in the parking lot and for water to refill the pond. And no, he never did get his phone back.

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