Beating A Who With A What Now?

Steve told me about this story, and he’s right. The next passage contains the best words to be written down since a police officer said someone was punching vegetation. Durango, CO11:08 a.m. A man on Westwood Place said his girlfriend was beating a miniature Chihuahua with a spatula. And that’s the whole story. That leaves …

>I Think Somebody’s A Little Squirrely

>Are squirrels super valuable in Israel? If not, do any of you have another way to explainthis?I hope so, because I’ve got nothin’, at least nothin’ better than mental illness. The victim, whose name was not released, said he was carrying his pet squirrel in his fanny pack when Surami grabbed it and tried to …

Pencil Sharpeners Don’t Kill People, Idiots With Pencil Sharpeners Kill People

Some days I find myself thinking that we really ought to just wipe the world clean and start over. After seeingthis,it’s safe to say that today is definitely one of them. First it was the shatterproof ruler. Then came the compass with a soft point. Now one of the UK’s biggest stationery manufacturers is redesigning …

Ok, I Think I’ve Just Officially Heard It All

Thisis one of the most ridiculous explanations I’ve heard for anything in the entire history of ever. A Rochester man who said his poor eyesight caused him to molest his girlfriend’s prepubescent daughter was ordered to prison today. Monroe County Court Judge Frank P. Geraci Jr. sentenced Eric Kennedy, 38, to 12 years behind bars …

Come On Baby Light My Face

Here’s another one for the hahahaha! files. A man broke into a convenience store, grabbed some lottery tickets, and set the place ablaze. But while he was spraying the surveillance camera, he set fire to his face. The camera survived and got a pretty good shot of our friend. By some strange feat, he still …

Home Depot: You Can Steal It, We Can Watch.

I always thought that if you were caught stealing in a store, security guards and employees would chase you down, or you would start beeping and a voice would start saying that apparently the nice person at the counter failed to remove the tag from your stuff that you must have bought, you law-abiding citizen …

Today’s Unintentional Hilarity

A man is suing the makers of the Boost Plus energy drink because he says it gave him an erection that wouldn’t go away, eventually requiring him to have surgery to bring it down. the name of this poor fellow?Christopher Woods. I don’t think any more needs to be said, and even if it did, …

Stuck In The Middle Of You

The thing that makesthis storystand out to me isn’t the whole people believing that there are witchdoctors who can make adulterers stick together thing, but rather that in the midst of the chaos that ensued when seemingly an entire village started thinking that it had happened and wanted to see it, the police got tired …

Tease Someone About Their Religion = Good, Call Someone or Something Gay = Bad. Got It.

Here’s another one for the we’re so stupid files. It goes like this. Teen is made fun of for her Mormon beliefs. Teen gets mad and says “that’s so gay.” Teen is disciplined. NO action is taken towards the people teasing her. Parents sue school to have reprimand removed from teen’s report, and judge stands …