I’m Afraid They Maytag Her As A Bad Parent

Whenever I think about this poor, poor kid, after I can let out my breath, all I can think of are two things. The washing machines in the apartment building are so deep that in order for me to reach the bottom, I have to almost climb in to get everything, so Steve helps me out so I don’t go head over heels into the machine. Second, an old Radio-Free Vestibule sketch that I saw late one night on TV goes through my head. I can’t find it anywhere on the internet, so I’m basically going to have to write it down.

A man walks into a laundromat and is looking around. He flags down a woman, explains that he’s never done laundry in his life and doesn’t know how, asking her for help. She hurriedly tells him the instructions for using the machines are on the inside of the lids and walks off. He opens the lid and reads something like “to do laundry, follow these five easy steps.
1. Put clothes in machine.”
*dumps clothes in machine*
“2. add deturgent.”
*adds deturgent*
“3. Close lid.”
*closes lid*
At this point, he is left staring at the closed lid of the washer, realizing the rest of the instructions are on the inside of the lid. He says “uh-oh…” and the sketch ends. It’s much funnier when they do it.

Sadly, what happened in this story would cause us to use much stronger words than “uh-oh.”

One afternoon, Brooke Haney fell asleep while watching her children. One of the toddlers went to play in the washing machine. Check out this little snippet of the story.

The young children in the home told police they were used to helping with the laundry.
The washing machine, which the family used as a dirty clothes hamper, was programmed to switch on when the lid closed. After the clothes were clean, one child would climb into the open machine and pass the wet clothes to another, who would then toss them into the dryer.
Alexis closed the lid — and hot water started to pour in.
Authorities said she died from “scaling and thermal injuries,” according to a probable cause affidavit filed earlier this week in Calhoun County Circuit Court.


There are so many things wrong with that whole thing. Kids that age are doing laundry, they’re doing it like that, and mom is knocked out while this is going on.

I don’t have much else to say except “eek,” and I hope the washing machine doesn’t sing a cute little song when it’s done. That would just give it that extra creepy horror movie factor.

You’d Best Get Used To It. It’s Going To Be Even Hotter Where You’re Going

Today in those are some immense testicles you’re sporting there, ma’am: Colleen Walker, 30, who told the cops to turn on the air conditioning because it was too hot in the car…as they were hauling her in for having left her 5-year-old son in a sweltering car while she and the 3-year-old went shopping for either 12 minutes or a half hour depending on whether you believe her or the security cameras.

Surveillance video showed Walker in the store for about 30 minutes with her 3-year-old daughter.
A firefighter told Walker her son was lucky to be alive.
“We get cases and cases where, 10, 15 minutes the kid is dead,” the firefighter said.
The South Daytona Fire Department checked the temperature of the vehicle, which was 107 degrees.
The child’s vitals were checked and he was OK.
Police said while she was being driven to jail, Walker told officers to put on the air conditioning because it was “too hot.”
“She was complaining that the backseat of our patrol car was too hot on her way to the jail, and asked the officer to turn the AC up,” Lt. Dan Dietrich said.

Chinese Take You Out

What was supposed to be the dropping off of a former couple’s 8-year-old son turned into an argument over school attendance before ultimately becoming a food feud in Florida yesterday.

Responding to a disturbance at the China No. 1 restaurant in Vero Beach, a sheriff’s deputy discovered Brian Kusmer, 31, wearing his lunch. Kusmer said that he was waiting for his former girlfriend, Samantha Wilson, to drop off the couple’s eight-year-old son (whose custody they share).
When Wilson, 30, arrived at the restaurant, the duo argued about Wilson repeatedly keeping the child out of school, according to a police report. Kusmer told a cop that he asked Wilson to leave the restaurant after she got mad and began screaming at him.
Before departing, however, Wilson allegedly threw a plate of food on Kusmer, who later declined medical attention, but said “the sauce burned a little.”

When questioned, police say Wilson admitted that she had tossed the plate of pork fried rice, but seemed to offer up as a defense that she never actually touched him herself, a strategy that went over about as well as you’d expect.

She was charged with domestic battery and is currently free on her own recognizance with the condition that she have no contact with Brian the rice receptacle for the time being.

Just in case you were wanting to write this off as a heat of the moment type incident, it should be noted that Wilson is no stranger to being charged with things. Her record also includes criminal mischief, theft, negligence and perhaps most relevant at the moment, child abuse.

She Brings Out The Worst In Him

Not much to add here. Just a possibly crazy man terrorizing and attacking his family with his hands and some frozen sausage.

Derek Kiesler, 24, was arrested earlier this month following a violent confrontation in the Bardstown home he shares with the victim and the couple’s nine-month-old child.
Police allege that Kiesler struck his girlfriend “several times in the face and arms” and even hit the baby, “busting the child’s chin.”
After dragging the woman down a hallway, Kiesler “grabbed a frozen log of sausage from the freezer and struck her in the head with it.” When the woman sought to dial 911, Kiesler smashed her fingers until she dropped the phone, cops charge.

It took six hours for police to find and arrest him, at which point he confessed to hitting her but said that he wasn’t in control of himself and that she had pushed him to do it. Whatever you say, buddy.

He was charged with domestic violence, child abuse and wanton endangerment. There’s one you don’t hear often.

Knock It Off, You Clowns!

This one needs a soundtrack.

Right now, it sure does suck to be a clown.

I saw this article a long time ago, delving deep into the reasons why clowns scare us. I was going to just link to these kids all being scared of clowns, but hey, now we have a ton of people running around in clown masks chasing people, so why not post it now? I swear, the last time I read it, I didn’t have any trouble with freaking ads popping up and obscuring the article, so I hope you can read it without incident.

Aside: Where did this creepy clown phenomenon even come from? Did it just sort of take off on its own, or was there an original creepy clown? And why is it so popular?

I’m certainly not going to link to every creepy clown article I’ve read because, honestly, who has time for that? But here are a few that especially caught my attention

Clowns aren’t helping their own cause, yelling at bookstore owners for having a “no clowns allowed” sign outside their store, something put up as a joke because of all the clown stories. Doesn’t seem like the way to go.

And to the U of G student who was on campus walking around with a ‘ClownLivesMatter’ sign, you may have thought you were being funny or clever or something, but just don’t. The two issues can’t even be compared.

And, just because I can, have a story of a couple of people who went off to play creepy clown, and left their kid at home alone while they did it. Ok, whatever. I guess it was good that the kid wasn’t out with them, but…wow. Priorities, people.

Hopefully this clown thing just goes away. I’m glad I haven’t seen any.

All My Rowdy Kids Are Here For Monday Night, But They’re Staying In The Car So They Won’t Bother Us

Perhaps I’m the idiot here, but it strikes me that bringing your three small children into your friend’s house while you watch football there would, believe it or not, cause you far less trouble than leaving them in the car…in Pennsylvania…in January. But I guess there’s no explaining that to the kind of guy who then goes to the police station to turn himself in and ends up in a fight with two cops when informed that he’s going to be charged.

A western Pennsylvania man apparently got so caught up in the big game this weekend that he left his three young sons, ages 9-months to 7-years, inside his freezing car while he watched the NFL playoffs at a friend’s house.

It happened in Washington County, where the dad, identified as James Grusofski, 33, is under arrest, according to KDKA-TV in Pittsburgh.
Police got involved when one of his sons, a 4-year-old boy, was found wandering around the streets late Saturday night in 30 degree temperatures without a coat, shoes or socks, KDKA writes.

After his eventual tasing, Grusofski was charged with endangering the welfare of children, aggravated assault on a police officer and resisting arrest. It’s not known what if any further trouble he could face thanks to the cocaine and alcohol that it’s claimed were found in his system while he was being treated in hospital after his arrest.

Run For The Right Toppings While You Run From Mom

For the second time in a week, we have a Taco Bell burrito related incident. Unlike last time, the burrito wasn’t the weapon, though it can be argued that anything from Taco Bell should be considered a dangerous instrument. In this case, the burrito and its incorrect toppings were the spark that started a fight or perhaps more appropriately a one-sided asskicking between mother and son.

A West Virginia woman is locked up on a child abuse charge after allegedly socking her teenage son in the face because he ordered
the wrong toppings on her Taco Bell burrito, police report.
Loretta Lynn Armstrong, 48, is being held in lieu of $31,000 bail following her arrest Friday night at her home in the town of Milton (pop. 2423).
According to a criminal complaint, a patrolman dispatched to the residence spotted the 6’, 240-pound Armstrong repeatedly punching the 15-year-old boy. Armstrong and the child told officers that the confrontation was due to Armstrong’s displeasure about the burrito her son brought home.

In addition to felony child abuse, Big Mamma Armstrong was also charged with disorderly conduct and obstruction, the latter most likely stemming from her struggle with and threats against the officers attempting to place her in handcuffs.

Listen. It’s Early. I Can’t Think Of Anything Better Than Urine Trouble Now

Am I weird, or do the rest of you see a story like this where some nutty person dumps her kid on some strangers while drunkenly proclaiming that she doesn’t want it anymore and think to yourselves way to go little buddy, you get a do over!?

Jennifer Cael, 34, left her child with strangers Thursday evening in the lobby of the Windsor Apartments and said she didn’t want her child anymore and didn’t care if the police were contacted, according to a Daytona Beach police charging affidavit.
When police arrived shortly after 6:30 p.m. and were unable to find Cael at her apartment, other residents suggested Cael was intoxicated and may be at the apartment of another resident, who was described as the woman’s “sugar daddy,” according to the report.

Other residents were right on both counts say the police, including the one she punched in the chest while also being naked when they entered Mr. Daddy’s apartment. And things only got worse from there. Cael continued to fight with the officers as they tried to handcuff her, culminating in her taking a wiz on them. Whether she did so as a defense mechanism or because she simply couldn’t hold it anymore is unclear, but personally my money’s on option one, which seems appropriate.

She was charged with child neglect and resisting an officer with violence. At the time she was jailed on $15,000 bail, but since this story is a touch old she may well be out by now. She does have a sugar daddy, after all. No word on what became of the child she left with those strangers.

Mommy! I Hit It! *Gurgle Gurgle Flop*

In general I’m not the type of person who would laugh at a shooting victim and tell her she got what she deserved, but when you’re one of those gun-rights people and you get shot in the back as you drive through town by the possibly unsecured 4-year-old son you’ve been bragging about teaching to target shoot like Jamie Gilt seems to have, that’s gonna be an exception.

The 31-year-old Jacksonville, Fla., woman was driving down a road in Florida’s Putnam County on Tuesday when her son managed to get hold of a gun while he was sitting in the back seat of the vehicle, according to a statement released by the Putnam County Sheriff’s Department.
Officials told the Florida Times-Union that the child fired a .45-caliber handgun that he found on the truck’s floor into the driver’s seat.
“She was shot through the seat and the round went through her back,” Sheriff’s Capt. Joseph Wells told the Times-Union. “There was a booster seat in the back of the vehicle, but, however, the boy was not strapped in when the deputy got to them.”

Gilt, who admitted to her son having fired the shot, was taken to hospital and is expected to be fine. The boy is said to be unharmed, at least physically.

Police are still trying to sort out whether or not charges will be filed, since it’s kinda against the laws of the state of Florida to the tune of a misdemeanor to leave a loaded firearm where a child can get his mitts on it regardless of whether or not that child “gets jacked up to target shoot.”

Next Time I Think I’ll Take My Chances With The Strangers, Mom

There are a few different ways to teach your six-year-old to be careful around strangers. Getting your buddy from work to kidnap him and tell him he’s going to get sold into sex slavery is definitely not one of them.

According to the St. Louis Dispatch, Denise Kroutil, the boy’s aunt, enlisted the help of Nathan Firoved, 23, whom she worked with at a gas station. Firoved, police say, lured the boy into his pickup truck on his walk home from school this past Monday. He allegedly told the boy he would “never see his mommy again” and that he was going to be “nailed to the wall of a shed.”
As the boy started to cry, Firoved showed him a handgun and told the child if he didn’t stop crying he would hurt him, authorities said.
Firoved continued driving the boy around in his truck, then because he would not stop crying, Firoved bound the boy’s hands and feet with plastic bags and covered his face with an adult-sized jacket so he couldn’t see, police said.
Later, Firoved took the boy — still blindfolded — to the basement of the boy’s home and left him there, authorities said. The boy’s aunt, Kroutil, removed his pants and told him he could be sold into “sex slavery.” She also chastised him because he did not try to resist her. He did not recognize her voice.

After an unspecified amount of time, the poor kid was finally untied and told to go upstairs, where he was given a good old fashioned family talking to about the dangers of strangers.

After he told the story of what had happened to him at school a couple days later, police were called and Aunt Denise, Grandma Rose and creepy Nathan were all charged with felony kidnapping, felonious restraint, and felony abuse and neglect of a child. His mother, Elizabeth Hupp, was charged with felony kidnapping and felony abuse and neglect of a child. The boy, who for obvious reasons was not identified, was placed into protective custody and lots and lots of therapy, I’ll bet.