I Don’t Know About That!

A little while ago, I wondered if my grandma could benefit from one of those Amazon Echo things. I thought maybe it could call people since she says she can’t see the numbers on the phone and doesn’t know how to do it another way, check the weather, read the news, play music, etc. But I came to realize there was way too much setup, and after talking to lots of people, it became clear that she likely wouldn’t really get the idea of talking to a box and giving it commands.

Yeah, after watching that video, maybe I’ll just try and get her a phone with lots of speed dial options on it and teach her how to dial by feel, make sure she has a radio and leave it at that.

The Only Cranberry Sauce Recipe You Will Ever Need

From wherever we are, Carin and I would like to wish all of you a happy Thanksgiving. Seriously, we don’t know where we are right now. If all has gone according to plan we’re at home, resting off the weekend trip we took in order to play with babies and eat turkey with her family and preparing for the start of a day trip to play with babies and eat turkey with mine, who live much closer. If things haven’t gone according to plan, then well…I dunno. Your guess is as good as mine. Actually that’s a lie. My guess will be better because we’re there and you’re sitting here wondering what the hell I’m talking about.

But as you sit there wondering about that and awaiting whatever the holiday has in store for you, please enjoy our best wishes and this lovely cranberry sauce recipe courtesy of Rex Murphy, a Canadian institution if ever there was one.

Talk to you all soon…probably.

How The Trump Stole America

Carin sent this after seeing it going around on Facebook. As I read it, I kept thinking boy, I sure hope somebody does a narrated version. It’s pretty good, but not having to just picture the voice from the cartoon in your own head would make it so much better. Of course, someone did.

If it’s me I’m putting some music in the background, but it’s not me and you can’t have everything all the time, so fine job.

Speaking of music, it also seems a few folks had the idea to do Trump versions of the main Grinch song last year when the thought that he’d actually get elected was a ridiculous thing that could never really happen. Here’s one of those.

HOW THE TRUMP STOLE AMERICA (With many apologies to Dr. Seuss)
By John Pavlovitz
In a land where the states are united, they claim,
in a sky-scraping tower adorned with his name,
lived a terrible, horrible, devious chump,
the bright orange miscreant known as the Trump.
This Trump he was mean, such a mean little man,
with the tiniest heart and two tinier hands,
and a thin set of lips etched in permanent curl,
and a sneer and a scowl and contempt for the world.
He looked down from his perch and he grinned ear to ear,
and he thought, “I could steal the election this year!
It’d be rather simple, it’s so easily won,
I’ll just make them believe that their best days are done!
Yes, I’ll make them believe that it’s all gone to Hell,
and I’ll be Jerk Messiah and their souls they will sell.
And I’ll use lots of words disconnected from truth,
but I’ll say them with style so they won’t ask for proof.
I’ll toss out random platitudes, phrases, and such,
They’re so raised on fake news that it won’t matter much!
They won’t question the how to, the what, why, or when,
I will make their America great once again!”
The Trump told them to fear, they should fear he would say,
“They’ve all come for your jobs, they’ll all take them away.
You should fear every Muslim and Mexican too,
every brown, black, and tan one, everyone who votes blue.”
And he fooled all the Christians, he fooled them indeed,
He just trotted out Jesus, that’s all Jesus folk need.
And celebrity preachers they all crowned him as king,
Tripping over themselves just to kiss the Trump’s ring.
And he spoke only lies just as if they were true,
Until they believed all of those lies were true too.
He repeated and Tweeted and he blustered and spit,
And he mislead and fibbed—and he just made up sh*t.
And the media laughed but they printed each line,
thinking “He’ll never will win, in the end we’ll be fine.”
So they chased every headline, bold typed every claim,
‘Till the fake news and real news they looked just the same.
And the scared folk who listened, they devoured each word,
Yes, they ate it all up every word that they heard,
petrified that their freedom was under attack,
trusting Trump he would take their America back.
From the gays and from ISIS, he’d take it all back,
Take it back from the Democrats, fat cats, and blacks.
And so hook, line, and sinker they all took the bait,
all his lies about making America great.
Now the Pant-suited One she was smart and prepared,
she was brilliant and steady but none of them cared,
no they cared not to see all the work that she’d done,
or the fact that the Trump had not yet done thing one.
They could only shout “Emails!”, yes “Emails!” they’d shout,
because Fox News had told them—and Fox News had clout.
And the Pant-suited One she was slandered no end,
and a lie became truth she could never defend.
And the Trump watched it all go according to plan—
a strong woman eclipsed by an insecure man.
And November the 8th arrived, finally it came,
like a slow-moving storm but it came just the same.
And Tuesday became Wednesday as those days will do,
And the night turned to morning and the nightmare came true,
With millions of non-voters still in their beds,
Yes, the Trump he had done it, just like he had said.
And the Trumpers they trumped, how they trumped when he won,
All the racists and bigots; deplorable ones,
they crawled out from the woodwork, came out to raise Hell,
they came out to be hateful and hurtful as well.
With slurs and with road signs, with spray paint and Tweets,
with death threats to neighbors and taunts on the street.
And the grossest of grossness they hurled on their peers,
while the Trump he said zilch—for the first time in years.
But he Tweeted at Hamilton, he Tweeted the Times,
And he trolled Alec Baldwin a few hundred times,
and he pouted a pout like a petulant kid,
thinking this is what Presidents actually did.
Thinking he could still be a perpetual jerk,
terrified to learn he had to actually work,
work for every American, not just for a few,
not just for the white ones—there was much more to do.
He now worked for the Muslims and Mexicans too,
for the brown, black, and tan ones, and the ones who vote blue.
They were all now his bosses, now they all had a say,
and those nasty pant-suited ones were here to stay.
And the Trump he soon realized that he didn’t win,
He had gotten the thing—and the thing now had him.
And it turned out the Trump was a little too late,
for America was already more than quite great,
not because of the sameness, the opposite’s true,
It’s greatness far more than just red, white, and blue.
It’s straight, gay, and female—it’s Gentile and Jew,
It’s Transgender and Christian and Atheist too.
It’s Asians, Caucasians of every kind,
The disabled and abled, the deaf and the blind,
It’s immigrants, Muslims, and brave refugees,
It’s Liberals with bleeding hearts fixed to their sleeves.
And we are all staying, we’re staying right here,
and we’ll be the great bane of the Trump for four years.
And we’ll be twice as loud as the loudness of hate,
be the greatness that makes our America great.
And the Trump’s loudest boasts they won’t ever obscure,
over two million more of us—voted for her.

iWanted An iTurd

Ok, it’s official. My experience with the captain has truly warped my brain. I saw this satirical piece designed to make fun of the ridiculous products people will buy, and a small part of me went “Hmmm! I could have used that!”

Let’s just say that at the beginning of my saga, I was pretty freaked out. When I went to the doctor, she asked me if there was blood in my stool. Of course I said I didn’t know, to which she responded “Do you have anyone around who could check?” I laughed and said “Hell no!” My immediate choices would have been coworkers, *eeeewwww*, or apartment building neighbours, *eeeeewwww!*. Family who I would feel less grossed out about asking were either 40 minutes or 6 hours away. Um nope. So I had to…submit lots of samples so they could rule out all kinds of bacterial nasties, and the presence of blood.

While I was waiting for these to come back, I had a night mare that illustrated how much this was bothering me. I dreamed I had the not so brilliant plan of using Taptapsee to see if there was blood in my stool. I dreamed I took a picture, was waiting for the results to come back, and got greeted with the warning that I would be banned from Taptapsee for my behaviour…and then I woke up.

Long story short, when I read the part about detecting bacteria and other things, although most of me knew this was a joke, there was a small part of me that said “damn, during that time, it might have been useful.” Sadly, the line about missing conference calls because of a case of the runs was all too familiar…although there was no way I would have wanted to be on the call anyway.

Yeah…it’s official…I will never ever be the same. It was only a momentary lapse in sanity, but it was there, and that’s just disturbing.

A Confusing But Funny Breakdown Of The Syrian Crisis

I saw this hilariously, erm, simplified? version of the Syrian conflict on Facebook and couldn’t stop chuckling.

President Assad (who is bad) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people rebelled and the rebels (who are good) started winning.
But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic State (who are definitely bad) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good).
So the Americans (who are good) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which was good.

And it just keeps going, getting more and more confusing as it goes. It really shows how friggin difficult global politics becomes.

Oh, by the way, if you want to help the Syrian refugees, who are good, here’s a place to start, at least in this region.

Driving A Cab Can Be Such A Drag…

Hehehehehe! This video was posted to my Facebook timeline.

I couldn’t help but laugh. If this was making fun of last week’s out of control taxi driver protest, I love it. I love it a lot.

Let’s talk about that protest for a minute because it was nuts.

The cab drivers are upset that Uber is here, and they’re still limited by the bylaws. I got that. But the insanity that they went to does not make me want to get into a cab. Seriously, do you think hitting cops and blocking ambulances makes me feel safe riding with you?

And let’s take apart this one taxi driver’s words, because it’s fun.

He says over and over that he was just trying to get a point across…but never tells us that point. The point I got was that he had lost his goddamn mind and needs to stop driving anything. He also said he hoped the Uber driver would talk to him, but the driver didn’t want to face the music. Yeah, and a sure way to open a dialog is to pound on the windshield and try to force the driver’s door open, then cling to the mirror. I don’t know a lot of people who would think “Gee I should roll down the window and talk to this charming fellow.” This guy went as far as to say that Uber is ISIS. Yup, you’ve gone right around the bend.

I hope the bylaws can get adjusted so both services can live in harmony and have healthy competition, but man, did those taxi drivers do a lot to smash the image of a safe, legal alternative to Uber.

Black Friday Body Count: Black Friday, The Movie

Black Friday – Movie Trailer This is fake…I think.

Fake, but also reasonably accurate.

And so begins the 2015 Black Friday Body Count. As much as I’d love for folks to stop acting like savage, barbaric, knuckle dragging goddamned imbeciles in the name of televisions thus rendering this unnecessary, I have to admit it’s nice to be back at it after having to miss out on it last year.

If you’re new, basically what I’m doing here is trying to round up as much Black Friday related stupidity as possible, especially videos of and news stories about riots and other misadventure. So if you come across anything online or have survived to share a tale or two of your own, hit the contact page, look for the heading that says Steve and let me have it. And don’t forget to check back throughout the day to see what else I’ve found, because as sure as their are cheap computers, there will be people maiming one another over cheap computers.