Assault And Vinegar

What goes better with dip than chips?

A South Carolina man turned violent in a dispute over salt-and-vinegar potato chips, authorities said.
Ryan Dean Langdale, 19, had warned his 17-year-old cousin not to eat his chips, but when his relative did, Langdale shot him, authorities said Wednesday.
“Do not touch my chips, or I’ll shoot you,” the cousin said Langdale had warned him, the Post and Courier of Charleston reported.

The charges of attempted murder and using a firearm in a violent crime that Langdale was going to be facing anyway would have been bad enough, but he managed to compound his stupidity and tack on one for obstruction of justice by tampering with the crime scene and trying to claim that the shooting was the result of a self-inflicted cleaning it and it went off accident.

Maybe he was cleaning out all the chip dust?

Social Security, Maximum Security, What’s The Difference

I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’ve found something even dumber than having your own name tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. That something? Having your Social Security number tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. At least with your name, there’s a chance the police might be thrown off your trail for a minute or two by the albeit slim possibility that there might be two Bob Smiths in red shirts out knocking over variety stores on a Tuesday. But your Social? That’s you, dude.

It doesn’t take much sleuthing to identify this suspect after he commits a crime, according to police in Houston, Texas.
That’s because Robert Charles Wooten, 40, has what a December 2017 police report described as “distinctive tattoos” on has face.
And “distinctive” is a polite way to describe it. After all, what could be more distinct than a person’s one-of-a-kind Social Security number?
“They’re calling this guy ‘Social Security’ because he actually has his Social Security (number) tattooed across his forehead,” Houston police investigator Frank Heenan told KPRC.

Most recently, that self-identifying tattoo inked onto his face placed Wooten at the scene of a string of at least three armed robberies in Houston late last year, according to Harris County court filings.

Wooten is no stranger to law enforcement, if Harris County court records are any indication.

In July 2017, Wooten was caught exposing his genitals to someone against their will and was charged with indecent exposure. Wooten pleaded guilty.
Beyond that incident, Wooten has been charged with everything from theft to trespassing to violating protective orders to drug crimes, according to Harris County Court records.
“He’s notorious,” Heenan told KPRC, particularly in a handful of Houston neighborhoods.

Oh, and a big thank you to the police for explaining why they’re calling him Social Security down at the station. That’s some pretty high concept nicknaming that I don’t think most of us would have understood otherwise.

With Friends Like These…

Update:
There’s a less than zero chance that the tweet cited in this post came from a fake account. My apologies for not catching that if that is indeed the case, although I’m far from the only one who bought it.

This, however, does not change the main point of what I wrote. What this guy did, tweet or no tweet, was still incredibly stupid.

Original Post:
Regardless of which side of the abortion debate you’re on, I hope we can all come together and agree that our boy Jordan Hunt here is a god damned idiot.

“I meant to kick your phone”?

Come on, man. You’re the one saying that a person should be in charge of her own body and future. You’re supposed to be the smart one here, especially when compared with the what if a rape victim kills her 3-year-old argument that this woman was making. Do better, please.

And lest you think he said a stupid thing in the heat of the moment and immediately thought better of it…

In case he ever does wise up and deletes that, it says “For all wondering, i did not mean to kick her, i only meant to kick the phone out of her hand. but you haters don’t care about the truth. smh”

Don’t care about the truth, you say? What truth don’t we care about, Jordan? That you’re giving the anti-choice crowd, the ones who like to stand outside of abortion clinics so they can scream horrible abuse at women who are making one of the hardest decisions of their lives, ammunition to paint the rest of us as violent, extremist morons? As a reasonable person, I absolutely care about that.

Investigators told CP24 that the incident occurred on the afternoon of Sept. 30, at the intersection of Bloor Street West and Keele Street in the Toronto’s west end.
In the video – that has since gone viral on YouTube – a man in a purple hooded sweater with a flower behind his ear is seen confronting a group of mostly female anti-abortionist activists holding signs on the sidewalk. He asks the woman filming him about her opinion of impregnated rape victims choosing abortion.

“If somebody gets raped by somebody and they’re like ‘I’m a 16-year-old and I can’t have this baby’ think you should keep it?” he asks her.
“It’s a baby,” the woman behind the camera is heard responding.
As she starts to further explain her position, the man in the purple sweater sticks out his tongue and kicks her. The camera then loses focus.
In the background, voices can be heard shouting to call the police while the man says he meant to “kick her phone.”

Police say they’re investigating, but no charges have been filed yet.

Put The Money In The Bag. Sure, But Put Your License Through The Machine

Photo of David Menser
David Menser, one of the smarter dumber people you’ll see today.

This is normally where I’d call David Menser an imbecile, but honestly, he might just be an average guy. Why? Because on the one hand he was smart enough to remove the dye pack from the stack of money he got from the bank teller he was robbing, but on the other, that ended up being the same teller who got him to hand over his driver’s license when he demanded even more cash a few seconds later. Those two events cancel each other out and prevent him from leaning too far in either direction, I think. Pretty sure that’s math or physics or something.

During a robbery on June 4 at the Huntington Bank on 1880 Hilliard Rome Road, the Sheriff’s Office says Menser was tricked into giving the teller his drivers’ license.
According to court documents, Menser approached the counter and presented a demand note for money that said, “I have a gun.” The teller gave Menser money and a dye pack. Menser took the money and put the dye pack back on the counter. 
Documents say Menser then told the teller he wanted more money. The teller told him a driver’s license was required to use the machine to get our more cash. Menser reportedly then gave the teller his license to swipe through the machine and then the bank with the additional cash.

Those typos aren’t mine, by the way. They belong to real news people who should be ashamed of themselves.

Anywho, Menser was arrested, and is now a suspect in three other area bank robberies. That, I argue, proves my earlier theory about him possibly not being a total maroon. He does seem like the go big or go home type, though.

They Should Have Sett It Up To Play Hit The Road Jack


Hey guys, what if we built rumble strips into this here road so that whenever somebody drives on it their tires will make it play a song?

It should have taken 20, maybe 30 seconds of thought tops after the chuckles and the I wonder how easy it would bes died down to figure out that even though it might sound kind of fun on paper, long term, a singing road is a terrible, terrible idea. But apparently people just don’t have time for that kind of brain investment. There are, after all, roads to build.

Created by strategically laid “rumble strips” as a way of livening up journeys across the flat landscape, the novelty has worn thin for locals who say the constant droning melody is driving them mad.
The tune is created when car tyres drive over the strips — which are usually deployed at the side of major roads to warn drivers they are straying off course.
If hit at the correct speed — the 60kph limit — the road will sing out the anthem of the Friesland region, a northern part of the Netherlands that has a distinct language and culture.

“Last Saturday night the taxis were driving from Leeuwarden to Stiens, and on the way back they tried to go across the lines as quickly as possible and we had the anthem played all night at high speed,” local resident Ria Jansma said.

Thankfully somebody did finally have an ah ha moment after the almost immediate backlash, and the strips, which are reported to have cost nearly $100,000, have since been removed.

Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It…woe!

I don’t know how many admitted shoplifters we have reading this, but a question for you in case you exist. How common is it for someone to spend seven hours in the same store filling up a cart with things he plans to take? I always picture shoplifting being something that happens fairly quickly. You either grab something and take off or you take a few minutes to remove security tags and obscure whatever it is and then leave as casually as possible. I understand the logic of trying to blend in, but seven hours just seems to me like you’re asking for trouble.

And a general question for everyone. How expensive is the stuff at Hobby Lobby? Buddy here managed to fit $4,000 worth of it into one cart. That seems just a little insane.

Police say that Dustin Johnson, 22, spent seven hours filling up a shopping cart with thousands of dollars worth of products.
He wheeled the cart of stolen goods out of the store but it got stuck in the snow and tipped over.
Johnson tripped, abandoned the cart and fled the store on foot, police said

And not only did he leave behind an entire day’s work, he also left without his wallet, which police used to track him down at home. How much need of redecorating the home was in was not noted.

Bottle Of Wine, Fruit Of The Vine. Who Am I Gonna Have To Run Over


You know how it is. It’s morning, you’re hammered, and gosh darn it, you’re plumb out of refreshments. What to do…what to do? You could call it a night, of course. How are you going to do it all again this afternoon if you don’t sleep now, right? But if you feel you absolutely must keep the party going, you could always do what this resourceful Russian fellow did and drive a stolen armoured military vehicle right through a goddamn store window.

Struggling to turn around in a narrow street, the man, whom witnesses described as being drunk, proceeded to slam the tank into the window of the “Family” convenience store, the news agency said.
He also crushed a Daewoo car parked nearby, images showed.
Footage shared on social media showed the man subsequently exiting the vehicle through its hatch, briefly inspecting the damage, and entering the shop through the broken window.
He was later arrested in possession of a stolen bottle of wine, Hibinform said. The shop was not licensed to sell alcohol that early in the morning, the agency added.

That Time The Mayor Of Toronto Insulted An Entire Continent

What is it with Toronto and racist politicians? No, not him. Him either. I’m talking about Mel Lastman, because I have just been reminded that today is the anniversary of the time he said he didn’t want to go to Africa because he might get boiled alive.

Yes, that was a thing that the head of our country’s biggest city actually said. And yes, it went over about as well as you’d expect.

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman apologized profusely and repeatedly at press conference about remarks about his visit to Kenya.
Before leaving for the trip to gain support of African delegates for Toronto’s bid, the mayor, in an attempt to be amusing, said, “What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa?… I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me.” He also said he and his wife are afraid of snakes.
Lastman issued a written apology saying the remarks were off the cuff and never intended to offend anyone, and held a press conference about how sorry he was about his gaffe.

David Kilgour, the Secretary of State for Latin America, Africa and the Caribbean called the remarks a “display of ignorance” and said they will undoubtably affect Toronto’s Olympic bid.
African votes are crucial to Toronto winning the Olympics and Bruce Kidd, who is part Toronto’s bid team, frankly admits he’s doing damage control. “The mayor said a very, very stupid thing. When he saw it in print, he quickly realized his mistake and has issued a gracious apology.” The bid committee says it doubts the comments will affect the competition.

the bid committee was incorrect. Toronto lost the vote 56-22 to Beijing.

But it’s not all bad. Sure the Mayor was a big dumb idiot, but as far as I’m concerned this ended up being one of those blind squirrel finds nut situations. In part because of this, old Mel probably saved the city, the Province of Ontario and the federal government several billion dollars worth of crippling debt.

And just in case anyone feels like arguing with me, yes, Mel Lastman was often a big dumb idiot.

Safety First

Whether Floridians behave like meth users or meth users behave like Floridians will probably always remain a mystery, but of one thing we can definitely be certain: the ones that make the news most often aren’t going to be the best or the brightest. They may, if 49-year-old Douglas Kelly has his way about it, be the most safety conscious, though.

Kelly, from Hawthorne, called the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday to say that he had bought what he thought was methamphetamine; but, after smoking it and having a “violent reaction,” he suspected that he had been given the wrong substance — and he wanted to press charges against the person who sold it to him, deputies said in a Facebook post.
Detectives told him that they could certainly test the drug for him to ensure it was meth. And, the authorities said, he took them up on it.

“Kelly drove to the sheriff’s office and handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil. The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase.”

He was, of course, arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine.

There is no word on why he may have had the reaction he did, but because it’s meth, you idiot is likely a safe bet.

Ask About Our 911 Minutes Or It’s Free Guarantee

Today in stupid ass reasons for calling 911: The pizza wasn’t ready when my son and I came to collect it.

A 32-year-old woman dialled 911 at about 9 p.m. Monday to report her pizza wasn’t ready when she showed up at an Elgin, Ont., restaurant to pick it up, Leeds County OPP said.
When police arrived, they said the woman and her 10-year-old son were waiting in their car to file their culinary complaint.
“Officers educated her on the proper use of the 911 system,” OPP said in a news release.

32. I’ll say that again, because it bears repeating. She! Is! Thirty! Two!

But according to the police who showed up to “educate” her, what she wasn’t was under the influence of anything, which makes the whole thing so much worse. Oh, and she isn’t expected to face charges, which also doesn’t help. A bad deal all around, right here.