I Meant To Say That! It’s An Obscure Play By The Great Tennessee Wieners!


Maybe the blind kid isn’t the first one who should be making fun of folks for sucking at Wheel of Fortune, but come on, Kevin! I won’t blame you for not seeing the play (I haven’t either), but all you needed was one letter, man! One! Stinkin’! Letter! I’m going to sit here and imagine that you were in a years long coma and woke up just in time to go on the show, because if I don’t do that I’m gonna go nuts.

Oh and Pat, if you’re serious, I suggest the New York Subway system. I hear a lot of that goes on there, and it’s definitely cheaper than theatre tickets.

Are You Happy To See Me Or Did You Leave Weed In Your Gitch Again

Let’s mark this one down as a good try. And when I say good, of course what I actually mean is what a terrible, terrible try.

A Port St. Lucie police officer about 11:20 p.m. spotted a “suspicious vehicle/parking violation” involving a Chevrolet Silverado in the 600 block of Southeast Majestic Terrace.
An officer smelled burned marijuana wafting from the vehicle.
Investigators say the passenger, 32-year-old Tyce Fields, had a violation of probation warrant and was taken into custody.
An officer reported extracting a bag of marijuana from Fields’s “groin area.”
“Tyce stated that he didn`t know the cannabis was on him because he recently changed underpants,” a report states.

Have You Checked Your Nose?

I don’t know this for an absolute fact, but if you put a gun to my head and told me to guess I’m pretty sure I’d tell you that yes, David Blackmon was more than likely getting high on his own supply. If not his own, then somebody’s. Why else would he have called the cops, told them his job was drug dealer and then gone on to report the theft of cash and cocaine? Cocaine that, as it turns out, was right where he left it.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County…

Posted by Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office on Monday, July 17, 2017

Just in case anything ever happens to that Facebook post, here’s what it says.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office Sunday morning to report that someone had stolen a baggie of cocaine and cash from his car.
32-year old David Blackmon of 119 Carson Drive, who identified himself as a drug dealer, told the responding deputy that someone entered his car while it was parked at 400 Ed Street and stole $50.00 and about a quarter ounce of cocaine off the center console.
The deputy however spotted cocaine still in that spot. He also found a crack pipe on the floorboard by the driver’s door and seat and a crack rock on the center console by the cocaine. The money was not located.
Blackmon is charged with possession of cocaine, resisting arrest without violence, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

During his arrest, Blackmon, who is currently free on $4,000 bond, wondered aloud why the officer, if he had found the supposedly stolen drugs, let him keep talking.

Come on, man. Obviously it’s because he was making conversation while he tried to help you find your cash. That’s just common sense.

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just Gonna Cruise On Home

In case you were wondering (god I hope you’re not), there are no good times to steal a police cruiser. There are only bad times and worse times, And one of the worst times of all is when the cruiser on which you have your eye is sitting in the parking lot of its police station with an officer inside of it.

It happened about 5 a.m. on July 17 as Officer Robie Troutman was in his patrol vehicle at the main police station writing a report, according to his report.
“While in my vehicle, I heard the rear passenger side door handle make noise and then the front passenger side door handle make noise, where I was positioned seated in the driver seat of my clearly marked Fort Pierce Police Department Patrol vehicle,” the report said.

Troutman opened his door and reported seeing a man later identified as Aaron Orlando Rodriguez III run away and hide behind another vehicle.

When he was arrested which didn’t take long because it’s amazing how quickly the cops can get to you when you come to them first, he was found to be carrying two cell phones, a portable speaker, $20 and the best chance we have of explaining any of this, a pipe containing marijuana residue.

When questioned, Rodriguez told officers that he tried to take the vehicle because it was running and he wanted a ride home.

Should have dropped that 20 bucks on a cab, dude.

Swing And A Miss, His Luck Is Out

As a lad, I remember watching Danny Tartabull play baseball. He was pretty good at it as I recall, especially at the part where you hit the ball very well seemingly more often than you miss it.

But as good as he was at that, he was apparently much less good at paying his child support. He was so not good at that, in fact, that he was convicted and labeled a deadbeat dad back in 2011. He was given probation which it turns out he was not good at not violating, so in 2012 he was given some jail time as punishment.

So…uh…guess what else Danny Tartabull wasn’t good at. If you said showing up to serve his time, congratulations, you’ve been paying attention. Since he didn’t turn himself in, a warrant was issued for his arrest, which brings us back to things that Danny Tartabull is good at.

For nearly five years, Danny Tartabull, who I remind you was a pretty famous baseball player that somebody somewhere would almost certainly still be able to recognize today, managed to not get himself hauled in. Impressive.

But no matter how good one is at something, there inevitably comes a day when one is going to slip up. For Danny Tartabull, that day was July 24th, 2017. On that day, someone broke into his car. As one does when someone breaks into one’s car, he called the police. The police, as police do, ran his name through the system. Go on and guess what they found.

Tartabull was arrested and at last word was sitting in jail awaiting a meeting with a judge.

Not good Danny, not good.

I Can’t Blow, But I Sure Do Suck

Initially I just tweeted this story out and was prepared to leave it at that, but the longer I allow it to turn itself about in my brain the stronger the urge becomes to memorialize the stupidity at work here because sometimes, the simplest mistakes are also the dumbest mistakes.

I do not have asthma. I know people who do, but generally it isn’t something we talk about. I say this in order to make it clear that I have no firsthand understanding of the sorts of limitations that asthma can potentially put on a person. But from the little I do know, I can imagine that it might make certain tasks difficult at best and impossible at worst. Tasks such as blowing into a tube, like the ones connected to those breath testing devices the police have, for instance. They make you blow fairly hard into those things as I understand it, so perhaps it’s reasonable that asthma might make it hard for a sufferer to comply if asked.

Adam Horn at least thought that far ahead when he found himself in just such a situation. I don’t want to see anyone skate on an impaired driving charge he deserves, but good job, buddy. Credit where it’s due.

But then. Oh then.

Adam Horn, pulled over in Waterloo just after midnight on March 18, 2015, smelled of alcohol, his trial heard. An OPP officer asked him to blow into a tube connected to an alcohol screening device.
Horn’s cheeks were “sucked in” and the officer heard no sounds of air and no tone from the device. Three more attempts were made with the same result.
When Horn, 28, was arrested, “he threw his head back in exasperation,” Justice Gary Hearn said on Thursday. The police officer quoted Horn as saying, “Come on, I have asthma.”
“The officer noted Mr. Horn had no struggles with breathing or talking,” Hearn said.

The asthma allegation is not supported by evidence and is “self-serving in the extreme,” the judge said. “There’s nothing to indicate that that issue, if it was an issue at all, compromised Mr. Horn’s ability to provide a proper sample.
“Indeed, shortly after that comment was made, Mr. Horn requested and was given permission to have a cigarette, which he did without apparent difficulty.”

Jesus, you idiot. I want my credit back. I mean come on, man.

He was convicted of failing/refusing to provide a breath sample, fined $1,000 and banned from driving for a year. Assuming he’s similar to others I’ve met in his position, he should be able to bitch about it all with minimal effort, asthma or no asthma.

Thank You for Flying Piggy Bank Airlines

Why is it that right before you’re about to do something, you almost always hear a ridiculous and/or dangerous story about that thing? The example that always comes to mind for me is years ago when I had to have surgery on my arm. I’m sitting in the living room watching TV with my family two nights before the big day when on comes a commercial for the nightly news. the lead story? The growing problem of patients waking up during surgeries. Seriously.

And now, in honour of Carin who is at this very moment in the air on her way to a conference, comes word of a crazy old Chinese lady chucking coins into a jet engine for good luck. Luck? Sure. Good? Not so much, methinks.

A flight in China was delayed for five hours after an elderly passenger threw coins into the aircraft’s engine for good luck.
The 80-year-old passenger, surnamed Qiu, was boarding the China Southern Airlines flight from Shanghai to Guangzhou with her family when she stopped to make the ‘blessings’. 
Then she threw nine coins at the aircraft’s engine turbine. Concerned fellow passengers alerted airline staff.

Eight of the coins missed, but during the five hour delay required to evacuate the 150 passengers and fully inspect the plane again, one was found inside the engine. Yes, it was found, so maybe there’s something to this good luck thing after all. But even so, don’t do that, everyone.

The woman was detained, but no charges were noted.

Safe travels, Carin.

I Need That Cash Back! How Am I Supposed To Buy a Clue Without It?

After you’ve broken into an apartment in an attempt to rape somebody only to be chased off by a dude with a sword, you’d think you might want to lay low for a while and maybe stop pushing your luck. But you, my friend, are not Francisco Chavez. *His* next move was to waltz into the local police station and report the wallet he dropped whilst running for his life as stolen.

“When I got to the landing at the top of the stairs, I took one cut at him with the sword, but he ducked, and I missed and dented the wood railing.”
The man ran down the stairs. Dolan went back to check on the bruised and rattled woman, call 911 and wake a friend visiting from Boston who’d slept through it all on a couch several feet away. 
“While we were waiting for police to arrive, I found the guy’s wallet on the ground,” Dolan said. “It must have fallen out of his pocket. I found a Carolina Panthers hat, too.”

Around the time the police got there, a man walked in to a nearby Shakespeare District police station in Logan Square and reported he’d been the victim of a robbery, that his wallet was stolen.

Officers ran a search on his name and discovered he was wanted for the attack that Dolan had put a stop to with his $100 Medieval Times sword.
Francisco Chavez, 39, who lives in Logan Square, was charged with home invasion, attempted aggravated criminal sexual assault and aggravated criminal sexual abuse.

But it doesn’t quite end there, as he also happened to match the description of someone police were looking for after a somewhat similar incident at a different building a couple weeks earlier.

A woman told the police she saw a man urinating in the middle of the day in Pulaski Park just north of Division Street and west of the Kennedy Expressway who then followed her for about a block to her apartment and began pacing back and fourth outside her building, according to Assistant Cook County State’s Attorney Ed Murillo.
When a couple of dog walkers asked what the man was doing, he responded: “I’m just waiting for that white bitch next door,” according to Murillo.
Minutes later, the woman saw the man peeping through a window and ran out her back door. Two workmen chased him away.
Minutes later, the dog walkers saw him climb through a bedroom window into the woman’s apartment, Murillo said. The woman heard a noise and found Chavez standing in her closet.
She again ran out of the house screaming. Murillo said Chavez chased and tried to grab her, but the two dog walkers again were passing and chased him down an alley, where he was caught on a surveillance camera.

So now, because he didn’t want to hang out on hold long enough to report his cards as lost and get replacements like a smart person, he’s jailed without bail. Thank Christ he’s not a smart person. What a creep.

It Could Also Mean Pilferer Of Everything

It hasn’t happened in a few years to my knowledge, but it was only going to be a matter of time before some guy (it’s always a guy) went and pulled a Wolfname, and that time is now.

Police in Boynton Beach, Florida, had been trying to solve a rash of thefts from local businesses. they had an idea of who they were looking for thanks to a description obtained from security footage, a description that included a right forearm tattoo that read “POE”. So when officers noticed a man who looked like their guy at a gas station, naturally they wanted to have a chat. During that conversation, they couldn’t help but notice the tattoo on his arm. It read “POE”. Bingo, we got him. But what does “POE” mean? A bit of investigation revealed that it meant Poe, as in Ryan Austin Poe, who has since been jailed for burglary and imbecility.

A 30-year-old man has been arrested in connection with a series of break-ins at Boynton Beach businesses, according to police reports.
Boynton Beach police managed to identify Ryan Austin Poe in part because surveillance video captured a tattoo with Poe’s last name spelled out in capital letters on his right forearm.
Poe, who is homeless, is facing three counts each of burglary, two counts of grand theft and one count of petit theft and was being held at the Palm Beach County Jail late Tuesday in lieu of $25,000 bail.

Trigger Warning

People shoot themselves this way with stunning regularity, but rarely are those people as aptly named as Jason Trigger.

Trigger, 35, was in a Dollar General store in Hudson when a handgun fell from his waistband, hit the floor and fired into his right ankle, according to Bay News 9.

He left before paramedics arrived and went to hospital, where he was taken into custody, according to WFLA.

The reason he was taken into custody is that beyond his lack of common sense dictating that he maybe shouldn’t have a gun, the law had already dictated that he absolutely wasn’t supposed to. Thanks to multiple arrests for crimes ranging from possession of cocaine, grand theft, resisting an officer and arson, he was a felon in possession of a firearm, which police were happy to add to his list.