It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Draws In Their Eye

When I heard about this woman and her eyeball tattoo gone wrong, all I could think of was this really old post.

I guess this woman is really into body modification, i.e. adding and subtracting things from her body just for fun. She’s even had her tongue surgically split. Yeesh! So she thought tattooing the sclera of her eyeball was the next big thing she should try.

The problem was she didn’t realize how risky it would be, and that not everybody should be allowed near her eyeball with a needle. Allow this sentence to run through your head for a moment.

It was deduced that the artist had made a series of mistakes, including over-injecting her eye, failing to dilute the ink with saline, using a needle that was too big and going too deep into the eye.

Those are some big mistakes that could prove rather costly. At best, she could have vision problems for the rest of her life. At worst, they might have to remove the eye because the ink could start an inexorable march toward her brain. Yeah, this sounds like a good idea!

*shiver*. There are people who need injections in their eyes for medical reasons. I cannot understand why someone would voluntarily go for them just to make their eyes look different or something. And, if you did, for the love of Pete, pick someone who knows what they’re doing!

Every time I write one of these, there’s a tiny voice that wonders if some day I’ll do something that warrants one of these posts to be written about me. I guess if it happens, I’ll deserve it. Until then, I’ll shiver at the thought of what people will do to their bodies just for looks. Eek.

Come On, Man! You Lied About Everything Else!

I don’t wanna be that guy, but fuck it, I’m gonna be that guy. Now where’d I put my tiny violin?

A Mexican man who spent almost two decades living in the United States was deported back to his home country late Tuesday, separating him from his US-born wife, who voted for President Donald Trump.
Roberto Beristain, 43, had been in custody since he was detained on Feb. 6 during a routine check-in with US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers. After spending almost two months in detention centers across six states, the Indiana resident was suddenly taken alone to Juarez, Mexico, late Tuesday night, he said in a statement released by his attorneys, who had filed legal petitions requesting his release.

Under Obama-era directives, ICE had concentrated mainly on deporting criminals and those who posed a threat to public safety. However, following President Trump’s signing of an executive order in January on immigration, emboldened ICE agents have been detaining hundreds of undocumented immigrants, including those not charged with any crimes.
Helen Beristain told Indiana Public Media she voted for Trump, believing he would not deport “good people.”
“[Trump] did say the good people would not be deported, the good people would be checked,” she said.

Huh. So you can’t trust a mentally unstable bigot. How about that.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel pretty terrible for Roberto. Sure he technically broke the law, but in the process he seems to have made a better life for himself and his family, something everyone should strive to do no matter where they are or how they got there.

But Helen? She can get fucked. Trump didn’t exactly hide who he was on the campaign trail, and anyone who had been alive for more than ten minutes could see that an immigration system under his control wasn’t going to have the word restraint in its mission statement unless it was in the shackling section. If you voted for him based on that track record, you deserve to live in your own private hell when the bulbous sack of Cheeto dust decides he’s going to follow through on something and it bites you on the ass. It’s just too bad you had to take one of the “good people” there with you.

Keister Surprise

I know in the grand scheme of things Kinder Surprise eggs are pretty small, but you know what’s even smaller? Your exit hatch. So the fact that now current Ottawa-Carleton Detention Centre resident Damian O’Reilly seems to have set an unofficial record by managing to fit eight of them into his is, in its own way, almost as impressive as it is stupid.

O’Reilly figured the quickest way to get arrested would be to throw a rock at a police cruiser in front of the courthouse and, sure enough, he got the job done in minutes flat. It helped that he was already on probation, so when he was arrested, he was held for bail and shipped off to the old Innes Road jail. 
And that’s where his plot unravelled.
It’s not known if the guard noticed O’Reilly was in some discomfort but whatever the reason, the guard had suspicions that O’Reilly might be smuggling drugs. The young inmate was escorted to dry cell No. 9. A dry cell has no plumbing and guards will either attempt to seize the contraband or wait for it to be expelled.
In this case, it was O’Reilly himself who, once alone in the dry cell, removed eight Kinder Surprise eggs from his rectum. A guard had to then collect the eggs and photograph them before securing them inside the Ottawa police drug safe at the jail.

In all, the eight eggs contained 59 grams of marijuana, a gram of MDMA, tobacco, rolling papers and matches.

Earlier reports that O’Reilly *was* the drug safe are erroneous.

by the way, if Drug Safe isn’t his nickname by the time I hit publish on this, there’s something wrong with this world.

Anyway, O’Reilly pleaded guilty to drug trafficking and was sentenced to sit in jail for a year and some change, although standing may be more comfortable for a while.

As for the possible record mentioned above, he doubled it. The previous mark was set by an unidentified man in 2010 who only managed four, the friggin amateur.

My Love For This Team Is A Burning Love. To The Second And Third Degree, To Be Specific


There’s nothing wrong with making a friendly wager on a sporting event. I’ve been known to bet a few bucks or a dinner here and there. And if fire didn’t scare the living shit out of me and if the things weren’t so god damned expensive, I could maaaaaaaaaaybe see myself making a loser burns the jersey bet like this couple made on last weekend’s Cowboys Packers game. I could also see myself perhaps getting a little buzzed up while watching said Cowboys Packers game because hey, why not? But what I absolutely, positively, 100% cannot see myself doing is lighting the poor sumbitch on fire and then putting it on.

A witness told Sebastian Daily, “He was set on fire after losing a bet on the Cowboys game … Skin was hanging off his arm and back.”
The man suffered third-degree burns on his right arm and right hand and second-degree burns to his back.
When the woman’s team won, her husband went outside to light his jersey on fire. He told deputies that he was drunk and tried to put the jersey on while it was burning.
Family members pulled the jersey off the man at the Vero Beach residence and rushed him to the Indian River Medical Center.

More Like Sputtering To A Sad Halt Like A Couple Of Losers ON Empty


Before you run from the police, you should really think long and hard about the potential ramifications of that decision. What if you don’t get away? Is whatever this is worth going to jail over? What if you cause an accident? Is possibly killing yourself or someone else a risk you’re truly willing to take? When the police begin caving in your skull for making their lives difficult with your idiocy, can you take it like a man? You should consider all of these things, but let’s be honest. You’re not going to. You have a split second choice to make and there’s just not time for that. Plus you’re probably drunk or on drugs. But snap decision or not, there’s one thing you should always take the time to do before you say screw it and take off. Have a quick gander at the gas gauge.

The Des Moines Police Department says the chase began at SE 5th and Army Post around 1:30 a.m. when an officer attempted to pull over a Ford F-150 truck for an equipment violation.
The chase went through Norwalk on Highway 28 south and continued on to Highway 92 east through Indianola. Police say it finally ended when the suspect vehicle ran out of gas near Pleasantville.

Caleb Wood and Mark York, who police say were involved in another, presumably more successful chase not long before this one, were arrested on outstanding warrants. Wood was also hit with new charges of failure to have a valid driver’s license, eluding, possession of narcotics and a few traffic violations for good measure. York faces a charge of possession of drug paraphernalia. Based on that, I guess we know which one was driving. Which one is responsible for not filling up, however, is still a mystery.

I Was Just Trying A Different Door Like You Said

I likely would have posted this regardless because it’s the sort of thing we tend to enjoy, but it’s nearer and dearer to my heart than usual because I used to live in Woodstock and still have some family there. Guess what, guys. You’re officially smarter than at least one neighbour. Congratulations.

The 41-year-old man, who is currently on probation and known to police, tried to enter the Woodstock police station on July 5 at around 1:30 a.m. by buzzing at the back door used by staff members.
When police told him he had to enter through the front door he decided instead to wander through the staff parking lot where he entered and searched staff vehicles.
Once he finished stealing everything in one car he moved on to another staff vehicle.

In a development that should come as a surprise to maybe this one guy here, police stations are loaded with security cameras. They are also, and you might want to sit down for this one, loaded with police officers. Police officers who will catch you pretty handily 99 times out of 100 in spite of your best efforts to walk away from them whilst you profess your innocence.

This was not the 100th time, and police were able to recover several stolen items during the ensuing search and arrest.

No word on which door they take you through when your destination is jail.

The Sun And Jocsan Feliciano Rosado: Two Things That Weren’t Very Bright On Monday

What can’t this week’s eclipse do? It excited, it educated, it brought people together, it helped the police catch a suspected car thief…wait, what?

Overshadowed:Meet Jocsan Feliciano Rosado. This 22-year-old stole a vehicle and was being followed by the OCSO's…

Posted by Orange County Sheriff's Office, Florida on Monday, August 21, 2017

Rosado has been charged with third-degree grand theft. The status of his custody and/or bail was not reported, so we don’t know if he’s able to look up at the sun right now.

I Meant To Say That! It’s An Obscure Play By The Great Tennessee Wieners!


Maybe the blind kid isn’t the first one who should be making fun of folks for sucking at Wheel of Fortune, but come on, Kevin! I won’t blame you for not seeing the play (I haven’t either), but all you needed was one letter, man! One! Stinkin’! Letter! I’m going to sit here and imagine that you were in a years long coma and woke up just in time to go on the show, because if I don’t do that I’m gonna go nuts.

Oh and Pat, if you’re serious, I suggest the New York Subway system. I hear a lot of that goes on there, and it’s definitely cheaper than theatre tickets.

Are You Happy To See Me Or Did You Leave Weed In Your Gitch Again

Let’s mark this one down as a good try. And when I say good, of course what I actually mean is what a terrible, terrible try.

A Port St. Lucie police officer about 11:20 p.m. spotted a “suspicious vehicle/parking violation” involving a Chevrolet Silverado in the 600 block of Southeast Majestic Terrace.
An officer smelled burned marijuana wafting from the vehicle.
Investigators say the passenger, 32-year-old Tyce Fields, had a violation of probation warrant and was taken into custody.
An officer reported extracting a bag of marijuana from Fields’s “groin area.”
“Tyce stated that he didn`t know the cannabis was on him because he recently changed underpants,” a report states.

Have You Checked Your Nose?

I don’t know this for an absolute fact, but if you put a gun to my head and told me to guess I’m pretty sure I’d tell you that yes, David Blackmon was more than likely getting high on his own supply. If not his own, then somebody’s. Why else would he have called the cops, told them his job was drug dealer and then gone on to report the theft of cash and cocaine? Cocaine that, as it turns out, was right where he left it.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County…

Posted by Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office on Monday, July 17, 2017

Just in case anything ever happens to that Facebook post, here’s what it says.

Self Described Drug Dealer Calls OCSO to Report Theft of Cocaine – A Fort Walton Beach man called the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office Sunday morning to report that someone had stolen a baggie of cocaine and cash from his car.
32-year old David Blackmon of 119 Carson Drive, who identified himself as a drug dealer, told the responding deputy that someone entered his car while it was parked at 400 Ed Street and stole $50.00 and about a quarter ounce of cocaine off the center console.
The deputy however spotted cocaine still in that spot. He also found a crack pipe on the floorboard by the driver’s door and seat and a crack rock on the center console by the cocaine. The money was not located.
Blackmon is charged with possession of cocaine, resisting arrest without violence, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

During his arrest, Blackmon, who is currently free on $4,000 bond, wondered aloud why the officer, if he had found the supposedly stolen drugs, let him keep talking.

Come on, man. Obviously it’s because he was making conversation while he tried to help you find your cash. That’s just common sense.