Airport Security Logic Strikes Again

Good lord this is stupid.

So the United States and I assume some other countries have security policies in place to prevent people from bringing dangerous bottles of water or tubes of lotion into airports or onto planes. I’ve never quite understood why, but that really doesn’t matter. It especially doesn’t matter now that I’ve learned that you can take that stuff through security as long as you do one thing first. Freeze it solid. Seriously.

That’s right, it’s not breaking the TSA’s pesky 3-1-1 rule if the drink is frozen — just make sure it’s completely frozen. According to the TSA, if the liquid is even partially melted or slushy, it needs to meet 3-1-1 liquid requirements. Here’s the agency’s wording:
Frozen liquid items are allowed through the checkpoint as long as they are frozen solid when presented for screening. If frozen liquid items are partially melted, slushy, or have any liquid at the bottom of the container, they must meet 3-1-1 liquids requirements.

I have no idea why it makes a difference or what makes liquid any less dangerous once it thaws or for that matter why nobody’s figured out that it’s much easier to beat someone to death with a frozen water bottle than it is a room temperature one, but there ya go.

Which Black Sock Goes With Which Black Sock .com

Would anybody care to enlighten me as to who the target market for this $190 batch of internet-connected socks is? Because I’ve got nothin’.

That video is in what sounds like German, so if like me you can’t see what’s happening you’re not going to get a whole lot out of it. But there’s this, which tells you everything you need to know assuming the words $190 internet-connected socks wasn’t more than enough.

Calf socks classic with Plus+: Probably the smartest socks in the world

Probably the smartest men’s dress socks in the world: Our classic calf socks can now communicate with your iPhone as all Plus+ socks have a communication button.
Start out by ordering a Starter kit of 10 pairs of black calf socks Plus+ and your own personal Sock Sorter to translate between your socks and your iPhone.

Imagine your phone could communicate with your socks. Your phone would know:

  • which socks belong together,and could help sort them out,
  • how often you have washed your socks,
  • when your socks were produced,
  • when you ordered your socks
  • and

  • when your socks were dispatched.

Your iPhone can also tell you if your black socks are no longer properly black and help you buy new socks.
This is something we dreamed about and we have made the dream come true.

That’s so sad. Though not quite as sad as knowing that somebody someplace is buying them, I suppose.

Only two of these features would be remotely useful to me, and most folks wouldn’t even need the second one.

Quickly and easily knowing it’s time to order new socks before I run out? Cool. Everybody could use that. And as a blind guy, it is handy to know which socks go together. That’s a real pain in the ass sometimes. But fortunately it’s a problem I can already solve for free, not to mention that this batch of socks are all supposed to be the same colour anyway, are they not?

Nobody’s going to listen, but I’m going to say this one more time. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I *can* reach over and stick my finger in this outlet, but I *shouldn’t*, because it would be painfully stupid. Kind of like a wiFi cookie jar, or an app that tells you when to drink water or yes, electronically sorted socks.

What Are You Going To Do With The Money? I Think I’ll Buy A Samurai Sword

After I published my earlier post, I got to thinking about Colin Farmer.

Farmer, you may recall, was the victim the last time we wrote about British police making a Taser-related oopsie. Yes, he was the blind fellow in his 60s walking to a pub using his white cane when he was attacked by an officer who thought he was a crazy man swinging a Samurai sword. There had been talk of a lawsuit, but I pretty well lost track of things after that.

So today I looked it up, and it turns out that there was a lawsuit, one which Farmer won in 2015.

Mr Farmer brought legal action against Lancashire police for false imprisonment, assault and battery, and breach of the Human Rights Act. The claim has been settled for an undisclosed sum, said his lawyer Sophie Khan.
Lancashire police admitted that the officer used unreasonable force and did not carry out a proper risk assessment before firing, said Ms Khan.
“This should be a clear example of why Tasers have no place in policing,” said Ms Khan. “We just don’t need them. The experiment with Tasers has failed and they should be shelved now.”
Lancashire police declined to comment.

It’s Ice Beer! I Have To Get To It Before It Warms Up!

I swear this has happened before, but since for the life of me I can neither remember when nor find reference to it, for now we must judge Michael Casteel and Michael Casteel alone for his poor choices.

Running into a burning building in a frantic attempt to make a rescue is arguably a poor choice, but if he pulls it off he’s a hero who just saved a life, so I’ll give him a pass.

Pushing past emergency responders to get in? Not such a good idea unless they’re incompetent. They usually aren’t, but hey, you never know, right? We weren’t there. Maybe he’s a hero about to save a life.

So whose life means so much to this brave, selfless man that he is willing to risk life, limb and possible arrest to save it? His name is Bud. Bud Ice.

A South Dakota man was arrested yesterday afternoon after he pushed past police and firefighters so that he could “save” his beer inside an apartment building that was aflame.
Michael Casteel, 56, was collared outside his home, a multifamily residence in Sioux Falls. As emergency workers were treating other building residents for injuries, Casteel, cops say, persisted in trying to reenter the building to retrieve beer from his apartment.
Casteel succeeded in returning to his home, where he grabbed two cans of Bud Ice Premium, cops say.

It would be pretty easy and perhaps not entirely unfair to sit here and pick on Mr. Casteel simply for his choice of beer because Bud Ice is kind of no good and you should only do something this dumb to save worthwhile alcohol, but you know what? People like what they like, or at least can afford what they can afford. Poor choice yes, but today we’re going to go against the saying and emphasize quantity over quality. For while we could sit here and judge his tastes all day long, at the end of the day he did this for two lousy cans. Two! Lousy! Cans! That, my friends, is the real problem here. If you’re going to be this big an idiot, at least run out with no less than a two four.

He was arrested, of course. Police charged him with obstructing a firefighter or law enforcement official and took him to the cooler. There he sits in lieu of $300 bond, which makes my affordability theory seem pretty sound.

As you may have surmised, this is not Casteel’s first alcohol-related run-in with authorities. His record includes at least one open container violation and a drunk driving charge, and at the time of this beer episode he was found to be violating the terms of a sobriety program in which he was enrolled.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone, And Where Are All The Dogs

You know, because I need a heroin.

Depending on your worldview, Joseph Murphy has either had a really fun or really rough 2017.

He kicked things off by getting arrested at a Disney hotel in Orlando, smashing his head into the police car partition, trying to choke himself, yelling “fuck Donald Trump” for some reason and then pissing all over the floor of the police station and spraying an officer’s leg in the process.

He followed that up by catching a DWI for crashing a Mercedes and blowing a .121.

And then there’s this.

According to police, 20-year-old Joseph Murphy dialed 911 and said he needed a police dog.
“You need a police dog?” the operator asked. “What’s going on there?”
Murphy replied, “She stole heroin from me.”

Police body camera shows officers questioning Murphy. On the video, Murphy can be heard explaining that a woman stole money from him.
But the officers wanted to know about the heroin that he mentioned on the emergency call.
“What’s this about the heroin because we were told she took your heroin?” an officer asked.

Murphy responded with something that couldn’t quite be made out, then apparently gave up on his attempt to trick the cops with his “heroin? I said money. Must have been a bad phone connection” act and pulled what the police described as a brown, waxy, heroin-looking substance out of his pants.

It was confiscated and Murphy was taken to the station for a nice fingerprinting before being released.

Why was he released, you ask. He was let go while police await the results of testing on his pants wax. Police say charges are pending.

Found One!

In case you thought distracted driving was one of those problems limited strictly to the youngsters and those damn phones they’ve got glued to their hands, 80-year-old Gregory Nayvelt is here to set you straight in fine fashion.

Around 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Moore was driving a marked police 2015 Ford Explorer westbound on West Farms Road when he collided with a 2011 Subaru Legacy, police said.

The Legacy, driven by 80-year-old Gregory Nayvelt of Howell, failed to stop at a stop sign at the intersection of Casino Drive and West Farms Road, crossed West Farms Road into Moore’s lane and struck his patrol vehicle, police said.
Nayvelt and his passenger, Lyudmila Nayvelt, 75, of Howell, were taken to Jersey Shore University Medical Center in Neptune, where they were treated for minor injuries, police said.

An investigation into the crash found that Gregory Nayvelt was using a cellphone as a GPS navigation unit and did not see the stop sign, police said.

But it wasn’t just any police car that Nayvelt ran into. Its purpose at the time of the crash was to be part of the team working on the state’s U Drive, U Text, U Pay’ campaign, which is exactly what you think it is.

Police said that Nayvelt was in line to receive several citations, but how much this episode ultimately cost him was not immediately known. All we know is that it didn’t cost anyone a life or a serious injury, which is nice.

As God As My Witness, I Thought Turkeys Looked Like My Brother


Lord, I hope this was somehow filmed by one of those game warden shows on Animal Planet that Carin and I like to interchangeably call Nature Cops.

A hunter who believed he had taken down a pair of turkeys set out to find the birds, only to discover his brother and friend wounded on the ground. Kenneth Dienst, who was out hunting with the victims on the opening day of turkey season in Kansas, accidentally shot the pair after mistaking their disguises for real birds.
“Right after he shot, he thought he saw a turkey flopping on the ground, but when he hurried up there, he saw two guys rolling on the ground,” Jim Bussone, a Kansas Department of Wildlife, Parks and Tourism game warden, told The Wichita Eagle. “He’d shot [both] in the face. The shooter swore he’d seen strutting toms and some other turkeys right up until then.”

Tempting as it is to read that and then be all like lol that Kenneth is such a maroon, that’s not exactly true. He’s not completely blameless, but the real maroons, at least based on the preliminary investigation, are brother Gary and their pal Justin Wiles.

First, we have to understand how the hell a couple of guys could be mistaken for turkeys to begin with. The answer to that is that the group was doing something called fanning, which involves using preserved feathers and turkey calls to trick turkeys into coming near you so you can pick them off.

Initially this worked out well as Kenneth was split off from the others, but according to the warden, at some point the others returned without letting him know, which even to me who knows jack shit about hunting seems like a bad idea.

So now, since everyone was fanning, we had a bunch of dudes hunting each other instead of hunting actual turkeys. And so it came to pass that we learned that Kenneth is the quickest draw in the family. Which one is the dimmest bulb may still be up for debate, but they can sort that out another day as everyone is expected to make a full recovery.

Fake Name, Real Fool

Today’s handy criminal tip: If you’re going to give a police officer a false name, maybe make sure you’re not still wearing the employee ID that has your real one on it.

Police say 24-year-old Keyonna M. Waters was reportedly parked in a fire lane at the Liberty Plaza Shopping Center when an officer on patrol made contact with her. When asked for her information, police say Waters gave a fake name. The officer, however, noticed that Waters was wearing a name tag from her job with the name “Keyonna Waters” on it. Running that name through the computer system confirmed her identify, police said.

The mystery of why she would be so eager to make up a name was also an easy one to solve, as the charges she was hit with included driving with a suspended or revoked license.

It’s Me, Grandma. The Ghost Of Dumbshit Present

There are a lot of better ones, but on the surface at least, sending a fake obituary to the newspaper to throw the police off your trail maybe isn’t the absolute dirt worst idea in the world. but if you’re going to do that, you’re going to need to leave a contact number because the paper is going to want to confirm things before they run it. And if you’re going to need to leave a contact number, you’re going to want to let the person who owns that number know that you’re dead so that when the call comes, they can give the right answer.

The Beaver County Times reports that an obituary for 21-year-old Anastasia Kline was submitted to The Times via email Wednesday night. The obituary, which was sent from an email address containing Kline’s full name, claimed she died “unexpectedly” on Tuesday afternoon.

The obituary included Kline’s grandmother’s phone number for contact information, and when The Times reached out, her grandmother said Kline was not dead. The Times also reached out to local coroner’s and medical examiner’s offices and were unable to verify Kline’s death.

The list of offenses she’s wanted for includes theft, passing bad checks and forgery. If she was as detail-oriented with all that as she was here, it’s no mystery why the cops are on to her.

If Only Our Heads Were As Loaded As Our Guns

I know some people don’t like it, but there’s a reason why the term gun nut exists. But since I’m a fair man, I’ll make you a deal. If you can come up with a better word than nut for someone who chooses to show his support for the second amendment by waltzing into a police station armed to the teeth and wearing military gear while his buddy films the whole thing, I’ll stop using it. Good luck.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cr6zQLvPMpw

Dearborn police said in a statement that officers responded to Ford Road and Southfield Freeway near a shopping center “to investigate a report of two suspicious men in a vehicle wearing tactical vests and masks” prior to the incident at the police station on Sunday.
“The subjects left the area before police arrived on scene,” police said. “A short time later, a Dearborn police sergeant on patrol observed the subjects’ occupied vehicle in a park approximately 3 miles away.
” … The occupants of the vehicle were dressed in heavy tactical vests and the passenger, who refused to speak to the sergeant, was wearing a balaclava mask which covered his face.”
No guns were spotted during the traffic stop and the sergeant released the vehicle. The men then drove to the police station and walked inside.
“Dude, put that on the ground,” an officer can be heard saying shortly after the two men enter the police station. “Put it on the ground or you are dead … I will shoot you. I will put a round in you, sir.”
The camera goes to the ground and screen goes black as the officers continue ordering the man to drop both the rifle and another handgun.
“It’s all legal, sir,” one of the men is heard saying.
“I’m unarmed, you stop pointing your (expletive) gun at me,” the other man says. ” … I’m here to file a complaint.”
Police say the men ultimately surrendered and were arrested.
Police seized: a loaded AP-14 firearm and a rifle magazine containing 47 rounds; a loaded Glock 19 handgun with four additional magazines; body armor and ballistic vests; a mask; a gun belt and several pieces of camera equipment.
Also recovered was an AR-15 rifle along with a AK-47 style rifle.

Here’s video of the traffic stop in question. They don’t come off well in it either, shockingly.

Come to think of it, maybe there are better terms than gun nut. Gun imbecile, maybe. Gun moron? Gun Dunderhead? Death wish possessor?

Whatever you want to call James Baker and Brandon Vreeland, they’re lucky to be alive. They’re also lucky to have been set free after each posting a mere $1500 bond.

Signaling that all gun people aren’t entirely batshit, even the president of one of the local gun rights groups wants no part of these nitwits, issuing a no, these aren’t some of ours that got loose statement following the incident.

On Monday, the Dearborn Police Department and a statewide open carry group condemned the two men’s action as irresponsible and reckless.
“I find this behavior totally unacceptable and irresponsible,” Police Chief Ronald Haddad said in a statement Monday afternoon. “This is not a 2nd Amendment issue for me. We had members of the public in our lobby that fled in fear for their safety as these men entered our building.”
Tom Lambert, president of Michigan Open Carry Inc., a gun-rights group, issued a statement supporting the police handling of the incident.
“Let us be clear, Michigan Open Carry Inc. in no way supports the actions of these individuals,” Lambert said. “It is our belief that their actions were reckless and primarily designed to draw attention and a response.”
Lambert said his group advocates the lawful open carrying of a holstered handgun for the purposes of self-defense, noting thousands of people do it every day without incident.

A lot of things can be said about the police, some of them justifiably negative. But you can’t do anything but give these ones credit for how they handled this. Things could have easily gone very differently than they did and it would have been difficult to fault the officers if they had. But instead, everyone gets to go home happy and these clowns get to live to be the dumbest of dumbfucks another day. Everybody wins. Well, kind of.