Ask About Our 911 Minutes Or It’s Free Guarantee

Today in stupid ass reasons for calling 911: The pizza wasn’t ready when my son and I came to collect it.

A 32-year-old woman dialled 911 at about 9 p.m. Monday to report her pizza wasn’t ready when she showed up at an Elgin, Ont., restaurant to pick it up, Leeds County OPP said.
When police arrived, they said the woman and her 10-year-old son were waiting in their car to file their culinary complaint.
“Officers educated her on the proper use of the 911 system,” OPP said in a news release.

32. I’ll say that again, because it bears repeating. She! Is! Thirty! Two!

But according to the police who showed up to “educate” her, what she wasn’t was under the influence of anything, which makes the whole thing so much worse. Oh, and she isn’t expected to face charges, which also doesn’t help. A bad deal all around, right here.

Put The Money In The Bag. I’ll Be Outside Double Checking, So Don’t Try Anything

Bank robbery pretty clearly is not for Michael Gale Nash. Not only did he whip out the old write your hold-up note on a paper with your name and birthday written on the other side of it gimmick, but then he didn’t even bother running away once he got his money from a disproportionately frightened teller.

Anchorage police rapidly solved a bank robbery Tuesday after the suspect handed the teller a hold-up note with his name and birthdate on the back, according to a charging document filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Anchorage.
But Anchorage police didn’t even need that handy tip to arrest Michael Gale Nash after he left First National Bank Alaska on 36th Avenue in Midtown with $400 in a bag, the FBI says.
“It’s my understanding he was sitting outside the bank counting his money when police arrived,” said Staci Feger-Pellessier, a spokeswoman with the FBI in Alaska.

Nash entered the bank wearing a large backpack, sweater and blue jeans shortly after 4 p.m. Tuesday, documents say.

He handed the teller a note: “This is a hold up. Please put the money they want in the bag. God help us!!!”
The hold-up note was written on the back of a form from an organization that provides affordable housing in the Lower 48. Nash’s personal information was on the form.
Feger-Pellessier said she understands no weapon was involved.
The teller, new to the job, was “momentarily dazed,” and did not immediately follow steps to alert police and co-workers. But a manager noticed the look on her face after the teller interacted with Nash, learned the details and reported the crime.
The teller “was visibly shaken, displaying shortness of breath and on the verge of crying,” according to the affidavit by an FBI investigator.

Police say Nash confessed to the crime and was arrested, which temporarily solves his affordable housing problem. I doubt that was his plan all along, but at least he has something to show for his efforts.

Can It Be? Did Trump Try To Tell The Truth For The First Time?

Recently, Donald Trump did something not at all unusual for him. He made a bad policy decision. This time it’s one that might start a global trade war, because that’s the sort of thing that tends to happen when you just up and decide one day that you’re slapping tariffs on steel and aluminum that comes from countries you’re friendly with.

But then he did something that is unusual. For what may be the first time since he took power, he reportedly tried to justify his poor decision making with something approaching a verifiable fact.

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau held a tense telephone call last month over the U.S. president’s decision to slap Canada with steep tariffs on steel and aluminum.
Trump mentioned the burning of the White House during the War of 1812 during the confrontational May 25 call, which was first reported by CNN and confirmed by CBC News.
Trudeau reportedly asked Trump how tariffs could be imposed on Canada on “national security” grounds. Trump reportedly responded: “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?”
It’s not clear if Trump was attempting to inject humour into a discussion on a topic that could have serious economic repercussions.
British troops burned down the White House in 1814 during the War of 1812, in retaliation for an American attack on York, Ont., a British colony at the time.

If this wasn’t Trump and he and his people didn’t have a track record, humour might be a possibility. But this is Trump and they do have a track record (the Bowling Green Massacre, whatever the hell happened in Sweden and on and on and on), so I’m not buying it. But hey, good on ya for not just making stuff up like usual, Don boy.

Of Course I’m Not A…Beepbeepboopboop…Crap!

Points for being diligent I guess, but I sure hope these Fiat selling Floridians understand cars better than they seem to understand computers. Yeesh.

The sales guy was handing me paper after paper with a brief explanation of what each one was for, and then he handed me that page — with literally nothing else on it — and just mater-of-factly said, “And this one is just to ensure you’re not a robot.
We both said, “Really?” And I don’t know if he’s just done it so long that it was normal to him now or what, but he was just like, “Yep.”

What the hell? Okay, I get that they’re printing these forms out from online, but, come on, they must know that “I’m not a robot” thing is part of the reCAPTCHA security thing that only makes sense if you’re filling out forms online, right? When you’re not sitting right in front of someone and you can tell that they’re not some blinking, blooping, oil-chugging droid?
Right? They must understand that?
I called the dealership to confirm if this is routine, this confirmation that the people there in the office are actually people, and not hyper-realistic androids who just want to buy a new Fiat.
It’s true. They do this. All the time. I asked them why, and was told by a sales associate,

“It’s not about us. In order for us to print the next one, you have to check that. So we print it out, and have the customer check that when we do.”

He went on to say, and hopefully this is a joke, that You never know; they have that girl Alexa, and she can talk and make phone calls and stuff.”

But what if this thing calling itself Marci Robin was a robot in a very convincing woman costume? What if that checkbox was all that stood between the Marci 5000 getting hold of a 4-wheeled killing machine and ending us all? What then, Mr. Sales Associate? Would you stand up for humanity, no matter the personal cost?

I asked the sales associate this, and he said if the robot had a social security number and an ID, then he’d sell it a car.

That’s comforting, aside from the part where it’s not at all comforting.

So Here’s A Ridiculous Round Of Family Feud

Name a word that follows the word pork seems like a pretty simple question. I thought of a good half dozen answers right away when I heard it. Not everyone is me, apparently.

The woman who spells loin lion and whatever the hell a pork tease is supposed to be (pretty sure we all have the same idea here) aren’t my favourite part. You’ll know what is when you see it. It’s one of the stupider things you’ll hear come out of an adult, but there’s definitely a sort of 5-year-old logic to it that I think we can all understand. I will say though that if buddy couldn’t resist saying it as a joke even though it burned a strike, he’s a fucking genius.

Pop Goes The Shoulder

I’m not sure we’re quite hitting Brian Roberts clonks himself on the head and winds up with a concussion territory here, but respect to Red Sox pitcher Carson Smith for a solid effort.

“Hurt his arm” turned out to be a kinder, gentler way of saying he dislocated his damn shoulder.

BOSTON — Red Sox manager Alex Cora said he was surprised to hear that reliever Carson Smith feels that fatigue could have contributed to his dislocated pitching shoulder.

The 28-year-old right-hander was injured when he threw his glove during a tantrum in the dugout after leaving Monday night’s 6-5 loss to Oakland. He entered with the Red Sox trailing 5-4 in the eighth, allowed Khris Davis’ leadoff home run, then retired three straight batters.

Thank god I don’t listen to Boston sports talk radio. I don’t know how much arm fatigue vs. be honest with your coaches babble I could handle.

The right answer in that argument, by the way, is that there is no right answer. Nobody is ever going to mistake me for an athlete, but I have had injuries. And the thing with injuries is that sometimes you don’t realize that you’ve overdone it until you’ve overdone it, and the next thing you know, the simplest task, one that you felt totally prepared for, will have you all messed up. That doesn’t mean acting like a damn baby and tossing stuff around when you’re mad is necessarily excusable when you’re supposed to be a grown ass adult, but you also don’t expect that throwing something is going to fuck you up so much when you throw things for a living.

He’s An Easy Temper

Not sure who comes off looking worse here, honestly. Off-duty McDonald’s employee Phillip Bailey for chucking a smoothie at a 91-year-old man during a stupid drive thru argument, or Johnnie Douglas, the 91-year-old man in question, for reacting to the yogurt-based assault by returning fire with an actual gun.

The Indiana McDonald’s altercation that later led to a firearm being discharged arose from an argument in the drive thru according to the Richmond Police Department. Authorities report that there was a bit of rage between two cars next to each other in the drive thru and an argument eventually ensued. Once Phillip Bailey received his order he reportedly threw his smoothie at 91 year old Johnnie Douglas’ car.  Douglas then responded by firing a revolver at Bailey, who was unharmed. Douglas and Bailey were both arrested and Douglas was charged with criminal recklessness, while Bailey was charged with intimidation and disorderly conduct.

By the way, I’ve just learned that I am apparently unable to hear the name Philip Bailey without needing to listen to this song. Just me?

At Least They Won’t Have To Worry About Brain Damage

I hate saying this because generally speaking I don’t ever want to see bad things happen to people, but let’s be honest, some of them just fucking deserve it. Like, for instance, these nine idiots who opened mail that didn’t belong to them, found powder inside and then, thinking it might be cocaine, divvied it up and snorted it. I’m a little bit sad that they all didn’t die.

Nine young backpackers were rushed to hospital in the west Australian city of Perth after snorting a drug they mistook for cocaine.
Three remain in critical condition after ingesting the mystery white powder which arrived in the post addressed to someone else.
The nine suffered seizures, paralysis and hallucinations.
Tests suggest the powder contained Hyoscine, a prescription drug which has gained notoriety as a date rape drug.

Five of the backpackers are French, two are German, one is Italian and one is Moroccan, and they are aged between 21 and 25, say reports.

Reports do not say that all came from the Republic of Retardistan, so allow me to correct that oversight on the off chance it needs clarification.

The Dashcam Giveth And The Dashcam Taketh Away

Note to Xavier Moran: If you own one of those dashcams that records everything, there’s more than a slim chance that the word everything means exactly what you’d think it would. This is important, because not only will it have the good evidence on it that will prove you weren’t at fault in that car accident, but it’s also likely to keep that pesky attempted robbery stuff around, too.

The Palm Beach Post reports that after 25-year-old Xavier Moran was involved in a crash on April 5, he told a sheriff’s deputy he had been cut off by another driver and could prove it with his dashboard camera. He then signed a consent waiver to search the camera.
When the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputy reviewed the footage, he saw Moran burglarizing a beauty store. Authorities say the video showed Moran taking a baseball bat from the trunk and someone using the bat to break the glass door to the store.

He’s been charged with burglary, of course.

Who Was That Masked Man? It Was Kerry

Update: Somewhere between me hitting publish on this and going to the site to make double sure that I hadn’t messed anything up, the second Facebook post went from looking for him to noting that he was captured. Never underestimate the power of the Vomit Comet.

Original post:
Police in Georgia are looking for Kerry Hammond, a 22-year-old man they say broke into a GameStop.

But wait, didn’t you say in your headline that he was wearing a mask?

I sure did, but I also put his name in there because the mask in question was pretty damn awful.

Water Bottle Plastic Wrap Disguise

DID YOU EVER give any thought to what your disguise was going to be when you decided the life of crime was your bag of water? Well this guy did! And YES he used a plastic bag used to package bottle water. This puts new meaning to the term WaterHead! In all seriousness, this craftily disguised gent, decided to burglarize GameStop here in St. Marys last night. DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?You can help us catch him, once you stop laughing. Please give our detectives a call at our office at 912-882-4488, the non-emergency number to 911 at 912-729-1442, Crime Stopper Tip Line and remain anonymous 912-576-0565. We'll be sippin' water while we wait!Please LIKE and SHARE – More Photos and video in the comments

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Friday, April 13, 2018

Yes, genius here “disguised” himself in one of those clear plastic things that bottled water comes in. It worked about as well as you’d think.

*****He has been captured and subsequently bonded out of jail. *****Calling ALL CARS……Calling ALL CARS Be On The…

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Tuesday, April 17, 2018

If you know where he might be or if you somehow recognize him out and about without his mask on, give them a call.