I’ll Ask Again. Are We Ready To Sit Quietly And Work On Our Math Problems now?

Substitute teacher definitely isn’t the easiest job in the world, but have the kids really gotten so out of hand nowadays that you need to bring a knife and a gun?

According to an affidavit in the misdemeanor criminal cases against Weaver – reckless endangerment, third-degree aggravated assault and possession of a firearm on school grounds – this is what happened inside the elementary school classroom: Weaver had a Taurus .380 pistol and a knife in his front right pocket. He bent over to pick up an item off the floor and when he straightened back up, the knife, a clip-on, entered the trigger guard of the pistol and caused it to discharge into the floor.
A fragment struck a 7-year-old girl in the leg. There was a welt on the girl’s leg, records state, but the fragment did not penetrate the skin.
Weaver was taken into custody at the scene, interviewed and then booked into the Blount County Jail. He was released the same day on $3,000 bond and has a court date set for May.

How did he end up with a gun in his pocket, you ask?

He took a quick phone call as he was about to go into the school – he had to be there at 7:20 a.m. – and was running slightly behind schedule when he got out of the car. “I completely forgot about the pistol being in my pocket,’’ Weaver said.

I need to know more about this guy’s pants. If I have anything in my pocket more bulky than a bank card or a receipt, I’m aware of it. Meanwhile buddy here is waltzing around a public school with a mini arsenal, apparently unbeknownst to himself.

But even if he’s telling the god’s honest about the gun, what’s up with the knife?

This isn’t a very strong argument for that stupid let’s arm all the teachers idea, either.

Thank You, Dictionary. That’s Helpful

My uncle has a joke of the day calendar. Every morning, he texts a bunch of us the day’s entry. If it’s a question joke rather than a funny quote or one liner, he only sends us that part and then waits to see how many of us can come up with the right answer. It’s a fun little thing. Sometimes they’re puns, sometimes they’re kid jokes, sometimes they’re clever, sometimes they’re god awful. And now and then, like the last couple of days, they get weirdly intellectual.

Yesterday’s was “Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.”

For the record, I didn’t get the answer. But I did groan when I heard it, because I know just enough to understand it.

I love my family, but we’re not necessarily the most well read or cultured bunch you’ll ever meet. Yes, I apply that statement to myself. this is why Carin was left explaining to at least one of us that Karl was not related to Groucho and Harpo.

Today’s is “How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

I texted in an answer pretty quickly, because I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it before and it’s some nonsense like fish or hammer or trombone.

I haven’t gotten anything back yet, but I have a pretty good feeling it’s going to need some explaining.

So because I’m occasionally proactive, I thought maybe I’d go to the dictionary for some inspiration on how to give a simple explanation should the need arise.

This is what I found.

noun
1.
an artist or writer who is an exponent of the avant-garde movement in art and literature which sought to release the creative potential of the unconscious mind.
“the wildest fantasies of the European surrealists and dadaists”

What?

I know essentially what a surrealist is, or at least I thought I did. But anyone who Googled it from a place of confusion now has like 17 more words to look up.

Perhaps the second definition will prove more useful.

adjective
1.
relating to the avant-garde movement in art and literature which sought to release the creative potential of the unconscious mind or its exponents.
“Spanish surrealist painter Salvador Dali”

Yes, rearranging the words to make it into an adjective is the technically correct thing to do, but what in the hell is any of that?

The dictionary is supposed to make things less confusing, not more. The only people who are going to be making any sense whatsoever out of that mess are the ones who don’t need to look it up to begin with.

If I do need to explain it or if you need it explained, use the Wikipedia entry, which is actually written in English.

Leave It To Doug Ford To Design A Tax Credit That Leaves The Entire Province Worse Off

I don’t know if the Ford government is literally overflowing with imbeciles or if it’s just so bent on dinking over the average Ontarian that it doesn’t care if it has to blow its own foot off to do it, but here we are again. Ontario’s low-income tax credit not as good for workers as $15 minimum wage, and it fuels the deficit, new report says

A minimum-wage increase to $15 would have put much more money into the pockets of the working poor than Premier Doug Ford’s low-income tax credit, which will cost $1.9 billion over five years and fuel the deficit, says Ontario’s independent financial watchdog.
A new report from the Financial Accountability Office said the cancellation of the previous Liberal government’s $1 increase in the hourly minimum wage means the province will take in less tax revenue to offset the cost of the Low-Income Individuals and Families tax credit better known as LIFT.
The result should come as “no surprise” to the Progressive Conservative government, said Peter Weltman, who heads the office tasked with keeping track of fiscal issues.
“When you cut revenues you’re going to increase your deficit.”

Weltman’s report found many minimum wage earners do not pay provincial tax and will not benefit from the LIFT credit. He noted, however, about 90 per cent of minimum wage earners will not pay provincial income taxes under LIFT, compared with 78 per cent previously.
The report also estimated 1 million Ontarians will get an average LIFT tax credit of $409 this year at a total cost to the treasury of $418 million. Only 38 per cent of minimum wage earners in Ontario will receive the low-income tax credit.

But there are 1.3 million Ontarians who would have enjoyed average after-tax gains of $810 a year under a $15 minimum wage that had been slated to take effect on January 1 of this year, the report added.

Vic Fedeli, the one that’s supposed to be the numbers guy, defended the PC plan by saying that “There’s no sense having a higher minimum wage if you don’t have a job,” blatantly ignoring even more numbers, specifically the unemployment one that hit its lowest mark since the year 2000 after the business killing minimum wage went up thanks to the Liberals last year.

Another win for the government for the people.

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go To The Hospital

And now, let us take a few moments to read of the to my eye completely over the top workplace pranking and subsequent totally justified legal proceedings between firefighter Thomas Wengerter and his and fate’s aptly named victim, fellow fireman Raymond Johns.

• On November 27, 2015, Johns was on duty at the firehouse.
• He was in the men’s bathroom when he sat down on a toilet and heard and felt an explosion beneath him.
• Johns examined himself for injury and discovered a significant amount of blood coming from the left side of his scrotum, on which a blood blister had formed.
• The remnants of an exploded bang snap, a small firework without a fuse that detonates when compressed, was discovered on the toilet.
• After an investigation, defendant Thomas Wengerter, a fellow City firefighter, admitted to having placed bang snaps in various places in the firehouse as a prank, although he later denied having placed a bang snap on the toilet.
• The record, however, contains significant evidence contradicting Wengerter’s denial, including his apology to Johns immediately after the incident.
• Shortly after being injured, Johns left work to be treated at a medical facility.
• He was diagnosed with a second-degree burn on his scrotum and a contusion of the left testicle.
• He was thereafter placed off duty. He returned to work on December 9, 2015.
• Johns suffered no lost wages, and the City paid all his medical expenses.
• He did not file a workers’ compensation claim.
• Wengerter was suspended for the incident.

Believe it or not, Johns’ suit was unsuccessful because of the way the laws around these sorts of things are structured. Basically, being a complete fucking dipshit on duty and maming a guy falls under the category of workplace injury, so the only remedy he’s entitled to comes from the Workers’ Compensation Act and not, you know, the person actually responsible. Yes, even though to any reasonable person putting fireworks on a toilet has nothing to do with firefighting. No, not even if you almost blow off a guy’s hose as a result.

Seriously, this is unbelievable. Nuts, even.

Sorry, Raymond. Hard to resist the low hanging fruit, you understand.

I Almost Feel Sorry For Amy Fee. I Don’t, But I almost Do

I don’t know a lot about what Amy Fee did in her life before politics, but if these are her defending skills I sure hope it didn’t involve lawyering.

Thrown to the wolves by her bosses in the Ford government and ordered to defend its autism plan, she, or someone pulling the strings, came up with…this.

Fee says she has two autistic children, and their combined costs for therapy are close to $110,000 per year.

Her children are covered under the province’s current autism program, but under the new plan, families will only be given $5,000 a year, per child for coverage.
Fee admits she will now have to use $100,000 of her own money, to cover autism services for her children.
“It’s about continuing on with our line of credit. We have a line of credit already that has had a lot of therapy and other costs associated with raising children with autism that are there. And then asking family for supports, and just watching where we are spending money and doing the best that we can. And looking for the therapies and the experts that are most beneficial to them,” said Kitchener South MPP Amy Fee.
Fee says she still supports the provincial government’s move, saying it will eliminate the large wait list of children waiting to be diagnosed.

So basically what she’s saying is that this is financially crushing my family, but that’s good because we’re now going to be able to financially crush thousands more families much more thoroughly and efficiently than we can under the current system (*required standing ovation*).

Jimminy fucking christmas. That might be the stupidest thing I’ve heard all month, and being within earshot of stupid things is kind of what I do here. Just embarrassing. Rarely do I tell someone to have a little self-respect, but seriously.

Gambling, Drug Running…Is This Guy Good AT Anything?

If you’re going to transport a big ‘ol bag of drugs across Canada, maybe don’t listen to your buddy’s GPS when it tells you to unnecessarily cross the border into the United States. But if you are going to listen to it because it promises to save you some time, at least make sure everyone has all of their paperwork with them, for christ’s sake.

A photo of the bag of meth seized at the Canada U.S. border.
The aforementioned big ‘ol bag of drugs.

According to a criminal complaint filed in the eastern district of Michigan, Xethalis was told to transport “something” from Montreal to Calgary as a way of waiving a $2,000 gambling debt. He was also told to pick up two people in Toronto for the trip.

Xethalis allegedly told investigators he knew he was transporting pills to Calgary, but didn’t know what they were.
The complaint also indicates that once Xethalis picked up the two other passengers, one of them used his iPhone’s GPS to direct them to Calgary, which then led them to the Blue Water Bridge.
After approaching the border, none of the passengers could provide border agents with identification, so the agents conducted a secondary search of the vehicle, where the methamphetamine tablets were found.

Xethalis has been charged with possession with intent to distribute controlled substances and importation of a schedule I controlled substance.

We Were Going To End UP Here Anyway, Sooooo…


This is security video of a couple of saps whose shoplifting experience couldnt’ have gone much worse if it tried.

Officials tell KTAR-FM that officers were called to a gas station for possible shoplifting at 6 p.m. Friday. Authorities say as officers arrived, the suspects, 28-year-old Marwan Al Ebadi and 29-year-old Salma Hourieh, took off running.
The pair ran along the side of a building and jumped a fence, despite a sign for “Peoria Police” above the door.
Security video shows Hourieh trying to hide under a bench before being placed in custody. Al Ebadi climbed back over the fence and was arrested on the street.

Maybe you miss the sign because you’re in a panic. I can handle that. But why in god’s name would you think you could get away by going back from whence you came? You left there for a reason. You’re trapped. It’s over.

Oh, there are drug charges amongst what they were dinged for? Never mind. We’re good.

Simple Twymans Bad At Crime And Going To The Jail

“Butler County Sheriff Richard Jones wants to relay a few tips about what you should never do at the Sheriff’s Office or any police agency,” Jones said in a news release. “We hope you find this helpful:
“• If you are not handicapped, do not park in a handicap spot, especially if the sheriff’s personal vehicle is parked directly behind you.
“• When a deputy tells you to move your vehicle because you are illegally parked in a handicap spot, do not exit the vehicle and run away.
“• Do not jump into someone else’s vehicle and tell them you have warrants and need a ride-that person will probably tell on you.
“• Do not come to the sheriff’s office with a vehicle loaded with stolen merchandise and then do any of the above.”

Good advice that unfortunately came too late for Kimberly and Anthony Twyman, who have been arrested and jailed for inspiring it.

Religion Makes Itself Hard To Take Seriously…Again

Not that I want to oversimplify things, but religion can be really, really silly sometimes. Like seriously, we’re all so hung up on our dumb rules and traditions that we have to literally fight over who gets to say their prayers at which section of wall?

Thousands of young ultra-Orthodox Jews have clashed with a liberal Jewish women’s group at one of Judaism’s holiest sites, the Western Wall, in Jerusalem.
Dozens of members of the Women of the Wall group, who are seeking equal prayer rights, had to be escorted away by police.

A number of people were reportedly injured in the incident.
The Western Wall in Jerusalem’s Old City – a relic of the Biblical Temple compound – currently has separate sections where men and women are allowed to pray.

The Jerusalem Post says 150 members of the group were met by more than 10,000 ultra-Orthodox women early on Friday morning, with insults exchanged between the two sides.

“During the prayers, friction arose between the worshippers, including the Women of the Wall, including curses and various comments,” police said in a statement.
In a tweet, the Women of the Wall said two of its members had to get medical treatment after the incident. The group was later escorted to another area of the wall that allows non-traditional prayers to take place.

Police also said that one man, apparently part of a group of dudes looking to crash through barricades to get at the women, was arrested for trying to assault an officer.

Have I mentioned how silly this is?

According to Orthodox Jewish tradition, women should not perform these religious rituals. Under pressure from ultra-Orthodox parties, the Israeli authorities in 2017 scrapped plans to create a mixed-gender prayer area at the wall.

If I haven’t, it’s silly.

Good Lord, CNN

Yes they do some excellent work at times and no Trump is not right when he calls them fake news, but seriously, just look at this shit that appeared in a story written, edited and published by people who presumably finished grade two.

It all began last Sunday when Taylor, along with his dog Ally, went to get gas for his Toyota 4Runner, according to the Deschutes County Sheriff’s Office in Bend, Oregon.
Taylor told investigators his SUV got stuck in the snow. He then fell asleep and woke up Monday to even more snow, unable to get out of the vehicle. He tried to walk out Monday, but the snow was too deep and made it hard to walk so he and his dog returned to vehicle, the sheriff’s office said.

Over the next few days after initially getting stuck, Taylor told authorities he stayed warm by “periodically starting his vehicle and used a few taco sauce packets he had as food,” the sheriff’s office said.
It is not clear how he, or the dog, got water. A person can live five days without water and six weeks without food, according to the National Institute of Standards and Technology.

I don’t have to explain this, right? Right? Riiiiiiiight?