Who Was That Masked Man? It Was Kerry

Update: Somewhere between me hitting publish on this and going to the site to make double sure that I hadn’t messed anything up, the second Facebook post went from looking for him to noting that he was captured. Never underestimate the power of the Vomit Comet.

Original post:
Police in Georgia are looking for Kerry Hammond, a 22-year-old man they say broke into a GameStop.

But wait, didn’t you say in your headline that he was wearing a mask?

I sure did, but I also put his name in there because the mask in question was pretty damn awful.

Water Bottle Plastic Wrap Disguise

DID YOU EVER give any thought to what your disguise was going to be when you decided the life of crime was your bag of water? Well this guy did! And YES he used a plastic bag used to package bottle water. This puts new meaning to the term WaterHead! In all seriousness, this craftily disguised gent, decided to burglarize GameStop here in St. Marys last night. DO YOU KNOW WHO HE IS?You can help us catch him, once you stop laughing. Please give our detectives a call at our office at 912-882-4488, the non-emergency number to 911 at 912-729-1442, Crime Stopper Tip Line and remain anonymous 912-576-0565. We'll be sippin' water while we wait!Please LIKE and SHARE – More Photos and video in the comments

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Friday, April 13, 2018

Yes, genius here “disguised” himself in one of those clear plastic things that bottled water comes in. It worked about as well as you’d think.

*****He has been captured and subsequently bonded out of jail. *****Calling ALL CARS……Calling ALL CARS Be On The…

Posted by St. Marys Police Department on Tuesday, April 17, 2018

If you know where he might be or if you somehow recognize him out and about without his mask on, give them a call.

If This Isn’t Where The Term Criminal Court Came From, It Maybe Should Have Been

I’d have to go back and check to be absolutely sure, but I feel pretty comfortable saying that this, by far, is the oldest Master Criminals story we’ve ever featured here. It dates all the way back to 1725 and involves two robbers taking each other to court for fraud after their partnership went south.

How the case even ended up in court at all is unclear, although one account claims that it was, in fact, Williams who made the first move: After a quarrel over the value of a gold watch they had acquired in a recent robbery, Williams sued Everet for £200. When Everet failed to show up to court (perhaps understandably, given the true nature of their business, although Everet would claim he was in prison), the action against him went undefended, and Williams won not only the case but Everet’s share of the spoils as well. In response, Everet—presumably aggrieved that Williams had won the case—then raised his own case against Williams. He took the unusual step of hiring a pair of solicitors, William Wreathock and William White, to represent him. Wreathock and White, in turn, hired legal counsel, a barrister by the name of Jonathan Collins, who drew up an official complaint and took the highwaymen’s case to the Court of Exchequer.

The bill Collins compiled—which requested that Williams account for the value of the goods in question, and repay any money owed to the plaintiff—is a masterclass in legalese. At no point are the criminal aspects of Everet and Williams’s business alluded to, and instead Collins merely wrote that:
“… pursuant to the said agreement, [Everet] and the said Joseph Williams went on and proceeded jointly in the said dealing with great success on Hounslow Heath, where they dealt with a gentleman for a gold watch … [Williams informed Everet that] Finchley was a good and convenient place to deal in, and so they dealt there with several gentlemen or divers watches, rings, swords, canes, hats, cloaks, horses, bridles and other things to the value of £200 and upwards.”

Yes, lawyers were already shifty in the early 18th century. Thankfully that tendency had not yet spread to judges, and the one presiding over this case was not having any of it. He not only dismissed it, but he also ordered that lawyers Wreathock and White be arrested and charged with contempt, and that barrister Collins pay every cent of the costs associated with the case from his own pocket.

As for Everet and Williams, they both wound up arrested and hanged a few years later, an outcome aided in no small part by police knowing what they did and where they did it thanks to the lawsuit.

And because some folks never learn or because leopards don’t change their spots or because whatever expression you want to use, William Wreathock wasn’t done getting himself into trouble. Five years after this case finished up, he himself was convicted of robbery and run out of town, or “sentenced to transportation” as I was surprised to learn that they called it back then.

Well Over Half The Residents Of Peel Region Don’t Know What 911 Is For. Good Lord

Want to hear a depressing statistic? Less than 60 per cent of the calls received by 911 in Peel Region are emergencies. That’s sad on its own, but when the next number you hear is that the service gets around 30,000 calls each month, it goes from just sad to downright pathetic.

At this point, you might be wondering just what the hell all of these people are doing with it if not using it properly. That would be things like this.

Yes, you did in fact just listen to an adult human being call 911 because the machines at the laundromat weren’t working. And that’s not even the worst of it.

“Don’t call 911 if you don’t want to go in to work, or if you’ve lost your wallet.”

Communicator Sandeep Hayer said she has had callers dial 911 daily to ask what time it is, to complain that the bank isn’t open and yes, to ask her to call in sick on their behalf.

Things have gotten so bad that a campaign has been launched to teach people the difference between a life-threatening emergency and whatever the fuck is going on more than half the time now. They say the goal of the campaign is to educate rather than to make fun, but if there are two things I’ve learned in this life they are A: that there’s no reason you can’t do both simultaneously and B: that the people behind campaigns like this are often having to try very, very hard not to say the things they would like to say.

So don’t worry, Peel Police. I’ve got your back. You may not be able to call this thing the Would You Fucking Morons Put On Your Big Boy Pants And Remember What You Learned In Grade Two Goddammit Campaign, but I can, and I will. I will because I care, and because should the day ever come that I find myself in your area and in need of help, those words are exactly what I hope not to be screaming while my lifesaving ambulance is delayed by some clown who’s never heard of an ATM.

Did Somebody Say McJailhouse?

It’s tempting to judge people like Lizabeth Ildefonso for the choices they make, but before you do, I ask you this. Who among us has never driven up to a jail security booth at 10 A.M on a weekday, eyes glassy, nose filled with white powder and tried to order a breakfast sandwich? Most of you? Well then. Ok. Cary on.

Ildefonso, a 44-year-old from Riverhead, New York, allegedly tried to order a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich from what she apparently thought was a drive-thru window, according to NBC New York. There was just one problem: She had actually driven up to a security booth at the Riverhead Correctional Facility around 10 a.m. Friday and placed her food request with an officer there, police say.
Deputy Sheriff Yvonne DeCaro told the woman inside the 2007 Nissan that she was at the county jail, and not a fast food establishment. Not to be deterred, Ildefonso “insisted that she really wanted a sandwich,” police told Pix11. During the conversation, police say DeCaro noticed that the hungry driver had glassy eyes, dilated pupils and white powder in one of her nostrils.

She was ordered to perform some sobriety tests which she subsequently failed, but in her defense, I bet some of that shit’s pretty hard when you’re starving.

She was charged with driving without a license and driving while ability impaired by drugs. That second one is a felony.

If You Want A Survey That’s CRAP, Call On CROP

Quite often I find myself getting offended by the things that offend other people, but I think I’m with Lacey Willmott in wondering just why Aeroplan, the travel and shopping rewards people, would be sending out a survey asking folks to choose their level of agreement with statements such as “Overall, there is too much immigration. It threatens the purity of the country,” “getting married and having children is the only real way of having a family,” “the father of the family must be master in his own house” and “whatever people say, men have a certain natural superiority over women, and nothing can change this.”

“I was alarmed and extremely concerned,” said the PhD geography student at the University of Waterloo in Waterloo, Ont.
In an email, Aeroplan offered her 100 bonus miles to take a “shopping and life habits” survey. It said the results would only be used to help enhance the program.
So she was shocked when she encountered questions on hot-button topics such as gay marriage, government’s role in society and family values.
“I thought, ‘Wow, this is really problematic,'” said Willmott, who wondered what the questions had to do with Aeroplan’s rewards program.

Also wondering the very same thing? Aeroplan, which while saying some silly ass thing about not having properly reviewed the questions like a responsible person would do, did agree that this was wrong and pledged to delete all of the data collected by CROP, who the company had contracted to put the survey together.

Ahh, CROP. I had never heard of them, but I do believe that should we ever require market research here at Vomit Comet World HQ, we will be passing them over in favour of a firm that maybe has a snort of a chance of understanding concepts such as knowing its audiences.

CROP’s president Alain Giguere says he asked some bold questions simply to help Aeroplan better understand its members’ points of view.
“Are we dealing with modern people or are we dealing with very traditional people?” he said. “The goal of it is really to understand all the sensitivities of your audience.”
Giguere says, like it or not, many Canadians have conservative views on some issues.
According to his own research, in August 2017, when Canada was experiencing an influx of asylum seekers, 45 per cent of the 6,000 Canadians CROP surveyed agreed with the statement: “Overall, there is too much immigration. It threatens the purity of the country.”
Giguere says he has been asking these contentious questions in market research surveys for decades, including in a poll on populism and xenophobia that CROP did last year for CBC’s Radio-Canada. It included provocative questions such as the ones on immigration threatening the purity of Canada and the father being master of the house. 
Giguere adds that people are free to oppose any statements they find offensive.
“You just have to disagree and we will know that you are a modern person,” he said. “This is a very scientific process.”

Which is all fine, but again, know your audience. Unless the goal was to allow Aeroplan to better target discounts on travel to ass backward shithole destinations such as the White House where every night is racist night and bigots eat free to “very traditional people”, those questions have absolutely nothing to do with my ability to swipe a card at the drugstore or sit there and curse at the miles balance that won’t let me fly across town let alone the country. Next time, assuming somebody in the stuff reviewing department doesn’t do his job again and there is a next time, maybe leave the provocative bits at the office until they’re asked for, Alain.

Lead Us Not Into A Telephone Pole, But Deliver Us From Crazy Mommies

You know what would be nice? If either the fact that a crazy religious lady would drive a carload of people into a pole on purpose to prove that God is real or that substances don’t appear to have contributed to the decision making came as a great surprise to me.

Authorities said the mother was traveling northbound on Peachtree Industrial Boulevard when she crossed into the southbound lanes and drove head on into a pole, Channel 2 Action News reported. Her children, ages 5 and 7, were in the backseat. 
One of Warren’s daughters told police she thinks her mom did it on purpose.
“…Her eyes (were) closed and she was saying, ‘blah, blah, blah, I love God,’” the girl said. “She didn’t want us to just have a car accident. She wanted us to know that God is real.”
Police said Warren told her children to buckle up their seat belts before she rammed into the pole, Channel 2 reported.

Bahari Shaquille Warren did eventually admit to police that her daughter was telling the truth, so at least if God does exist he didn’t have to watch her lie for too long. She has been charged with two counts of child cruelty and is currently jailed while she waits for the lord to scrape together $22,000.

The children are staying with their grandparents, who are hopefully more sensible about the faith thing.

Idiot Job

This seems like as good a time as any to remind you that movies are fake and that the sorts of things that work there don’t generally translate to real life.

A suspected car thief tried to make the perfect getaway by racing down a flight of stairs but ended up being rescued by police after getting wedged between two walls.

In scenes reminiscent of the Italian Job, the 31-year-old plunged down the winding staircase in a Union Flag-topped Mini Cooper at 11.30pm last night.

Unfortunately for him, his car became stuck halfway down the path in Morpeth, Northumberland, and emergency services had to rescue him when he realised he couldn’t even open the doors.

Police were happy to help him out of his trap, at which point they charged the unnamed man with aggravated vehicle taking and hauled him off to a different one.

Aside From Every Bit Of It Being Stupid As Hell, I Understand None Of This

I don’t know if Thomas Hartman was high on his own supply or what, but I’m having trouble coming up with anything else that would explain any of this.

For some reason, Hartman accused either his cousin or his brother (depending on whether you believe the written article or the irritating autoplaying video on a loop) of robbing him of cash and a cell phone at gunpoint. Police, after questioning the accused and watching some surveillance footage that put him on the other side of town at the time, quickly put an end to that story and told Hartman that it would probably be in his best interest to come clean about why he was really there.

And then things got weird, as if they weren’t already strange enough.

The Douglas County Attorney’s Office released video to ABC affiliate KETV of an October incident in which suspect Thomas Hartman is seen putting a chair on top of a table inside an interrogation room at the Omaha Police Headquarters, climbing atop it, lifting the ceiling tiles and stashing eight individually wrapped packages of crack cocaine inside, according to Omaha Police Department public booking arrest report obtained by ABC News.
Officers caught him in the act. “You’re at the frickin’ police station, man, and you put a chair up and tried to get in the ceiling,” an officer can be heard telling Hartman on the surveillance tape.

The officer is seen searching the ceiling and a small white bundle falls out. The officer doesn’t see it initially, but later another officer is seen straightening up the room on the surveillance tape when she discovers the drugs.
“Mother…” she can be heard uttering on the video as she leans down to grab the bag of crack cocaine, which had fallen under the table when police searched the ceiling.

Police also found somebody’s wallet up there, a detail that deserves far more explanation than the brief mention it’s given. Whose was it? Did Hartman stash it at the same time as the drugs? Was it already there? If the answer to question two is yes, how? Why?

But back to Hartman. Police had his girlfriend in another room, where she was explaining to them that the robbery story wasn’t true and that she had been selling sex because Hartman had told her to. Hartman himself eventually admitted that he made it up, but we still don’t know why.

He was ultimately convicted of possession of a controlled substance but not false reporting, which he was also charged with when he was arrested. Add that to the list of things that make no damn sense here, a list that includes literally every other thing that just happened.

Why Can’t I Bolt In This Bolt?

Cory Allen Patrick and I have something in common. Neither one of us knows how to drive an electric car.

The owner of a 2017 Chevy Bolt told police he had stopped at a stop sign at the intersection when a man, later identified as Patrick, approached his driver’s-side window, the affidavit said.

It said the driver rolled down the window and that Patrick yelled “get out of the car.” The driver rolled up the window but Patrick then smashed it, climbed inside and attacked the driver, the document said.
The driver struggled with Patrick but then got out of the car because “he did not want to die over a car,” the affidavit said. Patrick then attempted to drive away but couldn’t because he didn’t know how to drive an electric car, according to the document.

It said the owner of the car later told police, who were alerted at 11:10 a.m. Saturday, that “his vehicle cannot be driven like a normal vehicle and takes some getting used to.”

How much getting used to? Not much, from the sounds of it. The differences between this Bolt and a regular car basically come down to the way it handles and pushing a button.

But the button wasn’t Patrick’s only problem. He also had to deal with a machete-carrying witness. Patrick, who still remembered how to run, promptly did so upon seeing him. He was soon found hiding in some grass and arrested.

He’s charged with robbery by assault, a second-degree felony that could potentially net him a 20 year prison sentence.

Internet Challenges

To answer Gill’s question, no. But I will say this. If you’re the type of person who would set yourself on fire or eat a Tide pod in the name of internet glory, go ahead and do those things. In fact, do them at the same time just to make sure they work.

From the well intentioned to the deadly here are some challenges that have been produced for the world to see.

  • 1 The cinnamon challenge – This is why we don’t allow fourteen-year-olds to get really bored. You are supposed to swallow a tablespoon of cinnamon for this choking hazard.
  • 2 The ice bucket challenge – This was for a good cause. Participants would be surprised by a full bucket of ice.
  • 3 The fire challenge – Again bored plus fourteen is not a good combination. Participants would literally set themselves on fire.
  • 4 The what’s in the box challenge – This is the most recent of the list. Participants get a series of boxes with a series of items, sometimes animals, other times slimy gooey stuff.

Question

Do you care about internet challenges?