Category: that was dumb

Fake Name, Real Fool

Today’s handy criminal tip: If you’re going to give a police officer a false name, maybe make sure you’re not still wearing the employee ID that has your real one on it.

Police say 24-year-old Keyonna M. Waters was reportedly parked in a fire lane at the Liberty Plaza Shopping Center when an officer on patrol made contact with her. When asked for her information, police say Waters gave a fake name. The officer, however, noticed that Waters was wearing a name tag from her job with the name “Keyonna Waters” on it. Running that name through the computer system confirmed her identify, police said.

The mystery of why she would be so eager to make up a name was also an easy one to solve, as the charges she was hit with included driving with a suspended or revoked license.

It’s Me, Grandma. The Ghost Of Dumbshit Present

There are a lot of better ones, but on the surface at least, sending a fake obituary to the newspaper to throw the police off your trail maybe isn’t the absolute dirt worst idea in the world. but if you’re going to do that, you’re going to need to leave a contact number because the paper is going to want to confirm things before they run it. And if you’re going to need to leave a contact number, you’re going to want to let the person who owns that number know that you’re dead so that when the call comes, they can give the right answer.

The Beaver County Times reports that an obituary for 21-year-old Anastasia Kline was submitted to The Times via email Wednesday night. The obituary, which was sent from an email address containing Kline’s full name, claimed she died “unexpectedly” on Tuesday afternoon.

The obituary included Kline’s grandmother’s phone number for contact information, and when The Times reached out, her grandmother said Kline was not dead. The Times also reached out to local coroner’s and medical examiner’s offices and were unable to verify Kline’s death.

The list of offenses she’s wanted for includes theft, passing bad checks and forgery. If she was as detail-oriented with all that as she was here, it’s no mystery why the cops are on to her.

If Only Our Heads Were As Loaded As Our Guns

I know some people don’t like it, but there’s a reason why the term gun nut exists. But since I’m a fair man, I’ll make you a deal. If you can come up with a better word than nut for someone who chooses to show his support for the second amendment by waltzing into a police station armed to the teeth and wearing military gear while his buddy films the whole thing, I’ll stop using it. Good luck.

Dearborn police said in a statement that officers responded to Ford Road and Southfield Freeway near a shopping center “to investigate a report of two suspicious men in a vehicle wearing tactical vests and masks” prior to the incident at the police station on Sunday.
“The subjects left the area before police arrived on scene,” police said. “A short time later, a Dearborn police sergeant on patrol observed the subjects’ occupied vehicle in a park approximately 3 miles away.
” … The occupants of the vehicle were dressed in heavy tactical vests and the passenger, who refused to speak to the sergeant, was wearing a balaclava mask which covered his face.”
No guns were spotted during the traffic stop and the sergeant released the vehicle. The men then drove to the police station and walked inside.
“Dude, put that on the ground,” an officer can be heard saying shortly after the two men enter the police station. “Put it on the ground or you are dead … I will shoot you. I will put a round in you, sir.”
The camera goes to the ground and screen goes black as the officers continue ordering the man to drop both the rifle and another handgun.
“It’s all legal, sir,” one of the men is heard saying.
“I’m unarmed, you stop pointing your (expletive) gun at me,” the other man says. ” … I’m here to file a complaint.”
Police say the men ultimately surrendered and were arrested.
Police seized: a loaded AP-14 firearm and a rifle magazine containing 47 rounds; a loaded Glock 19 handgun with four additional magazines; body armor and ballistic vests; a mask; a gun belt and several pieces of camera equipment.
Also recovered was an AR-15 rifle along with a AK-47 style rifle.

Here’s video of the traffic stop in question. They don’t come off well in it either, shockingly.

Come to think of it, maybe there are better terms than gun nut. Gun imbecile, maybe. Gun moron? Gun Dunderhead? Death wish possessor?

Whatever you want to call James Baker and Brandon Vreeland, they’re lucky to be alive. They’re also lucky to have been set free after each posting a mere $1500 bond.

Signaling that all gun people aren’t entirely batshit, even the president of one of the local gun rights groups wants no part of these nitwits, issuing a no, these aren’t some of ours that got loose statement following the incident.

On Monday, the Dearborn Police Department and a statewide open carry group condemned the two men’s action as irresponsible and reckless.
“I find this behavior totally unacceptable and irresponsible,” Police Chief Ronald Haddad said in a statement Monday afternoon. “This is not a 2nd Amendment issue for me. We had members of the public in our lobby that fled in fear for their safety as these men entered our building.”
Tom Lambert, president of Michigan Open Carry Inc., a gun-rights group, issued a statement supporting the police handling of the incident.
“Let us be clear, Michigan Open Carry Inc. in no way supports the actions of these individuals,” Lambert said. “It is our belief that their actions were reckless and primarily designed to draw attention and a response.”
Lambert said his group advocates the lawful open carrying of a holstered handgun for the purposes of self-defense, noting thousands of people do it every day without incident.

A lot of things can be said about the police, some of them justifiably negative. But you can’t do anything but give these ones credit for how they handled this. Things could have easily gone very differently than they did and it would have been difficult to fault the officers if they had. But instead, everyone gets to go home happy and these clowns get to live to be the dumbest of dumbfucks another day. Everybody wins. Well, kind of.

Follow Your Arrow To Jail

I figure I might as well ruin two songs with this case.

Remember the story about the guy getting shot with an arrow? Well, a few days ago, Eric Amaral pleaded guilty, and is going away for a long time.

When they charged him with the murder, there was a small part of me that was worried that maybe they had no idea who did it, the public was all scared, and when this guy was dumb enough to shoot a cop with a pellet gun, he turned into an easy target, har. But after reading this article, I don’t think that anymore.

What kind of wacko uses a random dude for “target practice”? If I thought the words “For all we know, the attacker just wanted to watch someone go down.” would give me chills, this little paragraph certainly does.

The Kitchener man admitted he was in the bush of Breithaupt Park shooting at targets with his crossbow when he saw Gibbon walking on the sidewalk. Amaral got down on one knee and fired.


There was a sick part of me that was amused by the fact that the thing that allowed police to meet up with Amaral was the guy forgetting his passport at home. The theme of trying to catch a plane and forgetting my passport has become a new recurring nightmare I have. I didn’t know people *actually* did that in real life.

It sounds like this guy is where he belongs.

When We Catch Him, We’ll Grill Him. Hopefully He’ll Tell Us The Tooth

Police in Minnesota are looking for a group of six or seven people in possession of several hundred dollars that doesn’t belong to them and possibly one brain between them that might, if we’re being extremely generous.

When police arrived, the Eastside Grillz employee told police he had a valuable piece of evidence — he had used a putty substance to make a mold of the teeth of one of the males in the group.
“This robbery affects me as a business owner, as this is money that I have to replace out of my own pocket and it’s unfortunate we live in a time where people feel the need to take what they want instead of work hard and earn what they want,” said Kari Schill, who owns Eastside Grillz. “I do hope my employee’s witty thinking will help the police capture these thieves.”
Schill said she doesn’t believe the suspects thought through the robbery.
That’s because not only did one person in the group leave his teeth imprint, which police could use to match to him, but he also provided contact information for the grill he was ordering Wednesday. Another male in the group was picking up a grill he already ordered and had previously left his contact information, Schill said.

Chop, Steele And Hoax

Remember Chef Keith, the guy who managed to trick five TV news shows into having him on? Well, he’s at it again, this time as half of strongman duo Chop and Steele.

Local morning news shows have a lot of air to fill each day. So when a pair claiming to be an inspirational strongman duo blasted out a press release—citing a nonexistent tour and an America’s Got Talent appearance, and offering no video or documentation—they were immediately booked by seven different shows across the country.
Chop and Steele eventually appeared on three shows, in Eau Claire, Wisc., Bismarck, N.D., and Allentown, Penn., before canceling their other appearances due to being “stressed out.”

In case you’re wondering (I know I would be), only one station ever bothered to question the pair’s credentials. It did so by way of an email…sent the day after they appeared.

Their Criminal Exploits Were A Smash Hit

This isn’t the worst getaway ever attempted, but it ought to be in the conversation for at least an honourable mention.

Oh, and it probably deserves one more thing, too.

According to the Kannapolis Police Department, officers responded to a report of shots fired into the Rent-A-Center on Cannon Boulevard around 2 a.m. Wednesday. When officers arrived, they saw two men trying to load a TV into a car. Police say the two men then jumped into separate vehicles and crashed into one another in the parking lot.
Following the collision, police say both men drove away driving the wrong way on South Cannon Boulevard before both were involved in separate crashes.

Willie El’Beehard Anthony and Jamarqua Antonio Davis ages 20 and 16 respectively were both quickly arrested and now face a laundry list of charges including break and enter, hit and run, drug possession and I hope you’re sitting down for this one, driving without a license. Yes, both of them got that last one.

And If That Doesn’t Work, I’ll Find A Payphone, Make A Call And Buy Every Printing Press In Town!

Joseph Talbot has spent the entirety of his 43 years on this planet blissfully unaware of what an internet is or how it might work. I don’t know this for sure, but when it comes to explaining why, here in 2017, Talbot would spend well over $1200 of his own money buying copies of a local weekly newspaper so that people wouldn’t be able to read about his drunk driving arrest, that’s about all I can come up with.

Talbot, who has spent the last 20 years in a coma or something, took the drastic step after already catching an extra charge with his DWI when he told officers that he didn’t want his picture taken because it would wind up in the paper.

Eventually his picture was taken and did obviously wind up in the paper…as well as on its website, whatever that is.

Reporters tried to contact Talbot for comment, but had to leave a message that has so far not been returned. Don’t worry though, I’m sure he’ll get right back to you as soon as he gets home and checks the tape.

Is This Stolen Truck Stolen, Officer?

On some level, I’m pretty sure I understand what Adriana Salas was thinking. If I were driving around in a stolen truck, it sure would be nice to know whether or not the cops knew that I was driving around in a stolen truck. But there’s wanting to know and being dedicated to finding out, and that difference is where she loses me.

The arrest report states Salas showed up at the Sheriff’s Office and asked dispatchers if the truck she was driving was stolen.
A deputy arrived to speak with Salas, ran the truck information in a crime database and found it was reported stolen out of Jonesboro, according to the report.
The deputy read Salas her Miranda Rights and asked how she obtained the truck. Salas explained to the deputy she stayed in Jonesboro for a week with a friend. The two got into a fight and she stole his truck and headed to Fort Smith, the report states.
After explaining that, Salas slightly changed her story and told the deputy the truck wasn’t registered to her friend, but to another man, according to the report.
Salas continued explaining she showed up at the Sheriff’s Office because her cellphone died while traveling and once it was charged, she received a text message from the registered owner stating that the truck was reported stolen, the report also states.

Then, in a classic case of giving someone enough rope, the deputy asked if she’d like a chance to make a call so that she could sort this whole misunderstanding out. Salas declined the offer, stating that her friend wouldn’t be able to get in touch with the truck’s owner because they were asleep. How she knew this from 250miles away or why she would care considering the alternative I don’t know, but that’s what she said. Note: Yes, I do know. So do you.

She was taken into custody on suspicion of felony theft by receiving of more than $5,000 and at last word remained there in lieu of $7,500 bond.

Oh The Weather Outside Was Frightful, And To Thieves The Fates Were Spiteful

On the same morning within about 2 and a half hours of each other, two separate theft attempts in Abbotsford, B.C., were foiled by the weather. The snow, to be specific.

The second and I think slightly less humourous of the two happened around 7:15 A.M. on the morning of February 7th (happy birthday, Carin!) when an unidentified man spotted a Ford Focus that its owner had left unattended and idling. Don’t ever do that, by the way. Whether I mean leave your car running and alone or drive a Ford Focus is for you to decide, but in any event, that man decided to give the lonely Focus some attention, so hopped in and took off. Unfortunately for him and perhaps for Ford’s ad agency, he only made it about a block before getting the damn thing hopelessly stuck in the snow. But instead of leaving and maybe managing a clean getaway, this fella decided that now that he’s already made a scene, it would be a good time to scoop up documents with the rightful owners name all over them plus take the keys before running away. He got about as far as the Focus before police caught up with him.

And before that, there was this.

Abbotsford police spokesman Const. Ian MacDonald said that after a residential break and enter around 5 a.m., the suspect’s van became stuck in snow near a popular, central fast-food restaurant. The suspect then asked a passerby for help.
“The person he asks is the victim of the break and enter,” MacDonald said. “Yup.”
Of the 140,000 people in Abbotsford the suspect could have asked for assistance, it was the victim of his crime, who had just finished reviewing security footage of the incident.
The victim instantly recognized the driver and phoned police. Officers arrived promptly and arrested the suspect who was “quite well known to police,” MacDonald said.

I don’t know if the biggest lesson to be learned here is don’t commit break-ins, asking for help is bad for you or it snows every year, but that last one may be good to keep in mind if you’re determined to ignore the first.