Put The Money In The Bag. Sure, But Put Your License Through The Machine

Photo of David Menser
David Menser, one of the smarter dumber people you’ll see today.

This is normally where I’d call David Menser an imbecile, but honestly, he might just be an average guy. Why? Because on the one hand he was smart enough to remove the dye pack from the stack of money he got from the bank teller he was robbing, but on the other, that ended up being the same teller who got him to hand over his driver’s license when he demanded even more cash a few seconds later. Those two events cancel each other out and prevent him from leaning too far in either direction, I think. Pretty sure that’s math or physics or something.

During a robbery on June 4 at the Huntington Bank on 1880 Hilliard Rome Road, the Sheriff’s Office says Menser was tricked into giving the teller his drivers’ license.
According to court documents, Menser approached the counter and presented a demand note for money that said, “I have a gun.” The teller gave Menser money and a dye pack. Menser took the money and put the dye pack back on the counter. 
Documents say Menser then told the teller he wanted more money. The teller told him a driver’s license was required to use the machine to get our more cash. Menser reportedly then gave the teller his license to swipe through the machine and then the bank with the additional cash.

Those typos aren’t mine, by the way. They belong to real news people who should be ashamed of themselves.

Anywho, Menser was arrested, and is now a suspect in three other area bank robberies. That, I argue, proves my earlier theory about him possibly not being a total maroon. He does seem like the go big or go home type, though.

They Should Have Sett It Up To Play Hit The Road Jack


Hey guys, what if we built rumble strips into this here road so that whenever somebody drives on it their tires will make it play a song?

It should have taken 20, maybe 30 seconds of thought tops after the chuckles and the I wonder how easy it would bes died down to figure out that even though it might sound kind of fun on paper, long term, a singing road is a terrible, terrible idea. But apparently people just don’t have time for that kind of brain investment. There are, after all, roads to build.

Created by strategically laid “rumble strips” as a way of livening up journeys across the flat landscape, the novelty has worn thin for locals who say the constant droning melody is driving them mad.
The tune is created when car tyres drive over the strips — which are usually deployed at the side of major roads to warn drivers they are straying off course.
If hit at the correct speed — the 60kph limit — the road will sing out the anthem of the Friesland region, a northern part of the Netherlands that has a distinct language and culture.

“Last Saturday night the taxis were driving from Leeuwarden to Stiens, and on the way back they tried to go across the lines as quickly as possible and we had the anthem played all night at high speed,” local resident Ria Jansma said.

Thankfully somebody did finally have an ah ha moment after the almost immediate backlash, and the strips, which are reported to have cost nearly $100,000, have since been removed.

Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It…woe!

I don’t know how many admitted shoplifters we have reading this, but a question for you in case you exist. How common is it for someone to spend seven hours in the same store filling up a cart with things he plans to take? I always picture shoplifting being something that happens fairly quickly. You either grab something and take off or you take a few minutes to remove security tags and obscure whatever it is and then leave as casually as possible. I understand the logic of trying to blend in, but seven hours just seems to me like you’re asking for trouble.

And a general question for everyone. How expensive is the stuff at Hobby Lobby? Buddy here managed to fit $4,000 worth of it into one cart. That seems just a little insane.

Police say that Dustin Johnson, 22, spent seven hours filling up a shopping cart with thousands of dollars worth of products.
He wheeled the cart of stolen goods out of the store but it got stuck in the snow and tipped over.
Johnson tripped, abandoned the cart and fled the store on foot, police said

And not only did he leave behind an entire day’s work, he also left without his wallet, which police used to track him down at home. How much need of redecorating the home was in was not noted.

Bottle Of Wine, Fruit Of The Vine. Who Am I Gonna Have To Run Over


You know how it is. It’s morning, you’re hammered, and gosh darn it, you’re plumb out of refreshments. What to do…what to do? You could call it a night, of course. How are you going to do it all again this afternoon if you don’t sleep now, right? But if you feel you absolutely must keep the party going, you could always do what this resourceful Russian fellow did and drive a stolen armoured military vehicle right through a goddamn store window.

Struggling to turn around in a narrow street, the man, whom witnesses described as being drunk, proceeded to slam the tank into the window of the “Family” convenience store, the news agency said.
He also crushed a Daewoo car parked nearby, images showed.
Footage shared on social media showed the man subsequently exiting the vehicle through its hatch, briefly inspecting the damage, and entering the shop through the broken window.
He was later arrested in possession of a stolen bottle of wine, Hibinform said. The shop was not licensed to sell alcohol that early in the morning, the agency added.

That Time The Mayor Of Toronto Insulted An Entire Continent

What is it with Toronto and racist politicians? No, not him. Him either. I’m talking about Mel Lastman, because I have just been reminded that today is the anniversary of the time he said he didn’t want to go to Africa because he might get boiled alive.

Yes, that was a thing that the head of our country’s biggest city actually said. And yes, it went over about as well as you’d expect.

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman apologized profusely and repeatedly at press conference about remarks about his visit to Kenya.
Before leaving for the trip to gain support of African delegates for Toronto’s bid, the mayor, in an attempt to be amusing, said, “What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa?… I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me.” He also said he and his wife are afraid of snakes.
Lastman issued a written apology saying the remarks were off the cuff and never intended to offend anyone, and held a press conference about how sorry he was about his gaffe.

David Kilgour, the Secretary of State for Latin America, Africa and the Caribbean called the remarks a “display of ignorance” and said they will undoubtably affect Toronto’s Olympic bid.
African votes are crucial to Toronto winning the Olympics and Bruce Kidd, who is part Toronto’s bid team, frankly admits he’s doing damage control. “The mayor said a very, very stupid thing. When he saw it in print, he quickly realized his mistake and has issued a gracious apology.” The bid committee says it doubts the comments will affect the competition.

the bid committee was incorrect. Toronto lost the vote 56-22 to Beijing.

But it’s not all bad. Sure the Mayor was a big dumb idiot, but as far as I’m concerned this ended up being one of those blind squirrel finds nut situations. In part because of this, old Mel probably saved the city, the Province of Ontario and the federal government several billion dollars worth of crippling debt.

And just in case anyone feels like arguing with me, yes, Mel Lastman was often a big dumb idiot.

Safety First

Whether Floridians behave like meth users or meth users behave like Floridians will probably always remain a mystery, but of one thing we can definitely be certain: the ones that make the news most often aren’t going to be the best or the brightest. They may, if 49-year-old Douglas Kelly has his way about it, be the most safety conscious, though.

Kelly, from Hawthorne, called the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday to say that he had bought what he thought was methamphetamine; but, after smoking it and having a “violent reaction,” he suspected that he had been given the wrong substance — and he wanted to press charges against the person who sold it to him, deputies said in a Facebook post.
Detectives told him that they could certainly test the drug for him to ensure it was meth. And, the authorities said, he took them up on it.

“Kelly drove to the sheriff’s office and handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil. The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase.”

He was, of course, arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine.

There is no word on why he may have had the reaction he did, but because it’s meth, you idiot is likely a safe bet.

Ask About Our 911 Minutes Or It’s Free Guarantee

Today in stupid ass reasons for calling 911: The pizza wasn’t ready when my son and I came to collect it.

A 32-year-old woman dialled 911 at about 9 p.m. Monday to report her pizza wasn’t ready when she showed up at an Elgin, Ont., restaurant to pick it up, Leeds County OPP said.
When police arrived, they said the woman and her 10-year-old son were waiting in their car to file their culinary complaint.
“Officers educated her on the proper use of the 911 system,” OPP said in a news release.

32. I’ll say that again, because it bears repeating. She! Is! Thirty! Two!

But according to the police who showed up to “educate” her, what she wasn’t was under the influence of anything, which makes the whole thing so much worse. Oh, and she isn’t expected to face charges, which also doesn’t help. A bad deal all around, right here.

Put The Money In The Bag. I’ll Be Outside Double Checking, So Don’t Try Anything

Bank robbery pretty clearly is not for Michael Gale Nash. Not only did he whip out the old write your hold-up note on a paper with your name and birthday written on the other side of it gimmick, but then he didn’t even bother running away once he got his money from a disproportionately frightened teller.

Anchorage police rapidly solved a bank robbery Tuesday after the suspect handed the teller a hold-up note with his name and birthdate on the back, according to a charging document filed Wednesday in U.S. District Court in Anchorage.
But Anchorage police didn’t even need that handy tip to arrest Michael Gale Nash after he left First National Bank Alaska on 36th Avenue in Midtown with $400 in a bag, the FBI says.
“It’s my understanding he was sitting outside the bank counting his money when police arrived,” said Staci Feger-Pellessier, a spokeswoman with the FBI in Alaska.

Nash entered the bank wearing a large backpack, sweater and blue jeans shortly after 4 p.m. Tuesday, documents say.

He handed the teller a note: “This is a hold up. Please put the money they want in the bag. God help us!!!”
The hold-up note was written on the back of a form from an organization that provides affordable housing in the Lower 48. Nash’s personal information was on the form.
Feger-Pellessier said she understands no weapon was involved.
The teller, new to the job, was “momentarily dazed,” and did not immediately follow steps to alert police and co-workers. But a manager noticed the look on her face after the teller interacted with Nash, learned the details and reported the crime.
The teller “was visibly shaken, displaying shortness of breath and on the verge of crying,” according to the affidavit by an FBI investigator.

Police say Nash confessed to the crime and was arrested, which temporarily solves his affordable housing problem. I doubt that was his plan all along, but at least he has something to show for his efforts.

Can It Be? Did Trump Try To Tell The Truth For The First Time?

Recently, Donald Trump did something not at all unusual for him. He made a bad policy decision. This time it’s one that might start a global trade war, because that’s the sort of thing that tends to happen when you just up and decide one day that you’re slapping tariffs on steel and aluminum that comes from countries you’re friendly with.

But then he did something that is unusual. For what may be the first time since he took power, he reportedly tried to justify his poor decision making with something approaching a verifiable fact.

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau held a tense telephone call last month over the U.S. president’s decision to slap Canada with steep tariffs on steel and aluminum.
Trump mentioned the burning of the White House during the War of 1812 during the confrontational May 25 call, which was first reported by CNN and confirmed by CBC News.
Trudeau reportedly asked Trump how tariffs could be imposed on Canada on “national security” grounds. Trump reportedly responded: “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?”
It’s not clear if Trump was attempting to inject humour into a discussion on a topic that could have serious economic repercussions.
British troops burned down the White House in 1814 during the War of 1812, in retaliation for an American attack on York, Ont., a British colony at the time.

If this wasn’t Trump and he and his people didn’t have a track record, humour might be a possibility. But this is Trump and they do have a track record (the Bowling Green Massacre, whatever the hell happened in Sweden and on and on and on), so I’m not buying it. But hey, good on ya for not just making stuff up like usual, Don boy.

Of Course I’m Not A…Beepbeepboopboop…Crap!

Points for being diligent I guess, but I sure hope these Fiat selling Floridians understand cars better than they seem to understand computers. Yeesh.

The sales guy was handing me paper after paper with a brief explanation of what each one was for, and then he handed me that page — with literally nothing else on it — and just mater-of-factly said, “And this one is just to ensure you’re not a robot.
We both said, “Really?” And I don’t know if he’s just done it so long that it was normal to him now or what, but he was just like, “Yep.”

What the hell? Okay, I get that they’re printing these forms out from online, but, come on, they must know that “I’m not a robot” thing is part of the reCAPTCHA security thing that only makes sense if you’re filling out forms online, right? When you’re not sitting right in front of someone and you can tell that they’re not some blinking, blooping, oil-chugging droid?
Right? They must understand that?
I called the dealership to confirm if this is routine, this confirmation that the people there in the office are actually people, and not hyper-realistic androids who just want to buy a new Fiat.
It’s true. They do this. All the time. I asked them why, and was told by a sales associate,

“It’s not about us. In order for us to print the next one, you have to check that. So we print it out, and have the customer check that when we do.”

He went on to say, and hopefully this is a joke, that You never know; they have that girl Alexa, and she can talk and make phone calls and stuff.”

But what if this thing calling itself Marci Robin was a robot in a very convincing woman costume? What if that checkbox was all that stood between the Marci 5000 getting hold of a 4-wheeled killing machine and ending us all? What then, Mr. Sales Associate? Would you stand up for humanity, no matter the personal cost?

I asked the sales associate this, and he said if the robot had a social security number and an ID, then he’d sell it a car.

That’s comforting, aside from the part where it’s not at all comforting.