Trigger Warning

People shoot themselves this way with stunning regularity, but rarely are those people as aptly named as Jason Trigger.

Trigger, 35, was in a Dollar General store in Hudson when a handgun fell from his waistband, hit the floor and fired into his right ankle, according to Bay News 9.

He left before paramedics arrived and went to hospital, where he was taken into custody, according to WFLA.

The reason he was taken into custody is that beyond his lack of common sense dictating that he maybe shouldn’t have a gun, the law had already dictated that he absolutely wasn’t supposed to. Thanks to multiple arrests for crimes ranging from possession of cocaine, grand theft, resisting an officer and arson, he was a felon in possession of a firearm, which police were happy to add to his list.

Her Text Said Sure, I’ll Drop In In A Minute

So much for the older the wiser, and for the it’s only young folks that spend their lives glued to their phones not paying attention stereotype.

First it was the 80-year-old man plowing into a police car that was on a distracted driving patrol, and now a 67-year-old woman has fallen six feet down an open sidewalk maintenance hatch.

Surveillance video captured the moment a woman in Plainfield glanced down at her cell phone before she tripped over open sidewalk doors and fell six feet into the space beneath them.
According to Plainfield police, units responded just after 12 p.m. on Thursday to the area in front of Acme Windows on Somerset Street on report of a woman injured.
There police found the 67-year-old woman, who they removed from the space beneath the open doors.

She was taken to hospital with what were only described as serious but non-life-threatening injuries.

Odd little side note: Both of these cases come from New Jersey. Coincidence? Or are the elderly mental defectives there more tech savvy than the ones in the rest of the country?

They Got No Rings, But The Police Got A Couple Of Collars

We use this one a lot, but appropriate is appropriate, soooo…

Though it’s doubtful you would need one, if ever should come a day when screwing up a jewelry store robbery really, really badly becomes necessary, I present to you this handy guide courtesy of Colin Ayers and Mervin Chong.

  • Make sure that it’s 9:30 in the morning so that people are everywhere.
  • Dress yourselves in dark coats, hoodies, balaclavas and masks.
  • Use a moped as your vehicle of choice.
  • Don’t wear helmets like you’re supposed to though. You have enough stuff on your head that they wouldn’t fit anyway, but this makes sure that you’re just a little bit more noticeable.
  • Ensure that at least one of you is riding around on that moped looking like a helmetless robber while also trying to hide a pick axe between his knees.
  • Circle the place a few times, because people crammed onto a moped dressed like that with no ill intentions do that sort of thing every day.
  • When suspicions get the better of those people that are everywhere and they call you in, drive into the nearest pole while trying to get away from the newly arrived police.
  • When you abandon the freshly crashed moped and make a run for it, bolt straight into one of the nice officers.
  • And just to make sure that no doubt exists about who is responsible for everything, do not, under any circumstances, remove any of the pictures you took of the store from your phone.

Each has been jailed for two years after pleading guilty to charges of conspiracy to commit burglary, but Ayers was also given a bonus month for breaching bail after deciding that his sentencing hearing did not require his presence.

Wrong, Xiong, Booooo


This is absolutely ground we’ve covered before, but since I consider what I’m about to share with you to be an absolutely fantabulous reason to cover it again that may perhaps never be topped, let’s do that.

When they come to your door, always (Always!) allow the nice officers to speak first so that you can be absolutely certain of the reason for their visit. Sometimes they don’t want what you think they want and chances are that if you don’t tell them what they’re supposed to be after, they still won’t want it when your chat concludes.

The latest to learn this lesson is 37-year-old North Carolina resident Cody Xiong, who police say literally had 500 million reasons to know better than to open his big, dumb mouth.

Police in North Carolina discovered a field of opium poppies worth an estimated $500 million after the man growing them assumed that officers had already uncovered the operation and offered a premature confession.
Catawba County deputies appeared at the door of Cody Xiong, 37, to follow up on an unrelated complaint, the Washington Post reports. But when he opened the door Xiong ventured: “I guess you’re here for the opium.”
They weren’t, but soon found what he was alluding to: over an acre of poppy plants aligned in rows in Xiong’s backyard.

He was taken into custody and charged with felony counts of manufacturing a Schedule II drug and trafficking in opium, but later posted $45,000 bail and was released. How ever did he come up with that sort of cash, I wonder.

Airport Security Logic Strikes Again

Good lord this is stupid.

So the United States and I assume some other countries have security policies in place to prevent people from bringing dangerous bottles of water or tubes of lotion into airports or onto planes. I’ve never quite understood why, but that really doesn’t matter. It especially doesn’t matter now that I’ve learned that you can take that stuff through security as long as you do one thing first. Freeze it solid. Seriously.

That’s right, it’s not breaking the TSA’s pesky 3-1-1 rule if the drink is frozen — just make sure it’s completely frozen. According to the TSA, if the liquid is even partially melted or slushy, it needs to meet 3-1-1 liquid requirements. Here’s the agency’s wording:
Frozen liquid items are allowed through the checkpoint as long as they are frozen solid when presented for screening. If frozen liquid items are partially melted, slushy, or have any liquid at the bottom of the container, they must meet 3-1-1 liquids requirements.

I have no idea why it makes a difference or what makes liquid any less dangerous once it thaws or for that matter why nobody’s figured out that it’s much easier to beat someone to death with a frozen water bottle than it is a room temperature one, but there ya go.

Which Black Sock Goes With Which Black Sock .com

Would anybody care to enlighten me as to who the target market for this $190 batch of internet-connected socks is? Because I’ve got nothin’.

That video is in what sounds like German, so if like me you can’t see what’s happening you’re not going to get a whole lot out of it. But there’s this, which tells you everything you need to know assuming the words $190 internet-connected socks wasn’t more than enough.

Calf socks classic with Plus+: Probably the smartest socks in the world

Probably the smartest men’s dress socks in the world: Our classic calf socks can now communicate with your iPhone as all Plus+ socks have a communication button.
Start out by ordering a Starter kit of 10 pairs of black calf socks Plus+ and your own personal Sock Sorter to translate between your socks and your iPhone.

Imagine your phone could communicate with your socks. Your phone would know:

  • which socks belong together,and could help sort them out,
  • how often you have washed your socks,
  • when your socks were produced,
  • when you ordered your socks
  • and

  • when your socks were dispatched.

Your iPhone can also tell you if your black socks are no longer properly black and help you buy new socks.
This is something we dreamed about and we have made the dream come true.

That’s so sad. Though not quite as sad as knowing that somebody someplace is buying them, I suppose.

Only two of these features would be remotely useful to me, and most folks wouldn’t even need the second one.

Quickly and easily knowing it’s time to order new socks before I run out? Cool. Everybody could use that. And as a blind guy, it is handy to know which socks go together. That’s a real pain in the ass sometimes. But fortunately it’s a problem I can already solve for free, not to mention that this batch of socks are all supposed to be the same colour anyway, are they not?

Nobody’s going to listen, but I’m going to say this one more time. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I *can* reach over and stick my finger in this outlet, but I *shouldn’t*, because it would be painfully stupid. Kind of like a wiFi cookie jar, or an app that tells you when to drink water or yes, electronically sorted socks.

What Are You Going To Do With The Money? I Think I’ll Buy A Samurai Sword

After I published my earlier post, I got to thinking about Colin Farmer.

Farmer, you may recall, was the victim the last time we wrote about British police making a Taser-related oopsie. Yes, he was the blind fellow in his 60s walking to a pub using his white cane when he was attacked by an officer who thought he was a crazy man swinging a Samurai sword. There had been talk of a lawsuit, but I pretty well lost track of things after that.

So today I looked it up, and it turns out that there was a lawsuit, one which Farmer won in 2015.

Mr Farmer brought legal action against Lancashire police for false imprisonment, assault and battery, and breach of the Human Rights Act. The claim has been settled for an undisclosed sum, said his lawyer Sophie Khan.
Lancashire police admitted that the officer used unreasonable force and did not carry out a proper risk assessment before firing, said Ms Khan.
“This should be a clear example of why Tasers have no place in policing,” said Ms Khan. “We just don’t need them. The experiment with Tasers has failed and they should be shelved now.”
Lancashire police declined to comment.

It’s Ice Beer! I Have To Get To It Before It Warms Up!

I swear this has happened before, but since for the life of me I can neither remember when nor find reference to it, for now we must judge Michael Casteel and Michael Casteel alone for his poor choices.

Running into a burning building in a frantic attempt to make a rescue is arguably a poor choice, but if he pulls it off he’s a hero who just saved a life, so I’ll give him a pass.

Pushing past emergency responders to get in? Not such a good idea unless they’re incompetent. They usually aren’t, but hey, you never know, right? We weren’t there. Maybe he’s a hero about to save a life.

So whose life means so much to this brave, selfless man that he is willing to risk life, limb and possible arrest to save it? His name is Bud. Bud Ice.

A South Dakota man was arrested yesterday afternoon after he pushed past police and firefighters so that he could “save” his beer inside an apartment building that was aflame.
Michael Casteel, 56, was collared outside his home, a multifamily residence in Sioux Falls. As emergency workers were treating other building residents for injuries, Casteel, cops say, persisted in trying to reenter the building to retrieve beer from his apartment.
Casteel succeeded in returning to his home, where he grabbed two cans of Bud Ice Premium, cops say.

It would be pretty easy and perhaps not entirely unfair to sit here and pick on Mr. Casteel simply for his choice of beer because Bud Ice is kind of no good and you should only do something this dumb to save worthwhile alcohol, but you know what? People like what they like, or at least can afford what they can afford. Poor choice yes, but today we’re going to go against the saying and emphasize quantity over quality. For while we could sit here and judge his tastes all day long, at the end of the day he did this for two lousy cans. Two! Lousy! Cans! That, my friends, is the real problem here. If you’re going to be this big an idiot, at least run out with no less than a two four.

He was arrested, of course. Police charged him with obstructing a firefighter or law enforcement official and took him to the cooler. There he sits in lieu of $300 bond, which makes my affordability theory seem pretty sound.

As you may have surmised, this is not Casteel’s first alcohol-related run-in with authorities. His record includes at least one open container violation and a drunk driving charge, and at the time of this beer episode he was found to be violating the terms of a sobriety program in which he was enrolled.

Where Have All The Good Men Gone, And Where Are All The Dogs

You know, because I need a heroin.

Depending on your worldview, Joseph Murphy has either had a really fun or really rough 2017.

He kicked things off by getting arrested at a Disney hotel in Orlando, smashing his head into the police car partition, trying to choke himself, yelling “fuck Donald Trump” for some reason and then pissing all over the floor of the police station and spraying an officer’s leg in the process.

He followed that up by catching a DWI for crashing a Mercedes and blowing a .121.

And then there’s this.

According to police, 20-year-old Joseph Murphy dialed 911 and said he needed a police dog.
“You need a police dog?” the operator asked. “What’s going on there?”
Murphy replied, “She stole heroin from me.”

Police body camera shows officers questioning Murphy. On the video, Murphy can be heard explaining that a woman stole money from him.
But the officers wanted to know about the heroin that he mentioned on the emergency call.
“What’s this about the heroin because we were told she took your heroin?” an officer asked.

Murphy responded with something that couldn’t quite be made out, then apparently gave up on his attempt to trick the cops with his “heroin? I said money. Must have been a bad phone connection” act and pulled what the police described as a brown, waxy, heroin-looking substance out of his pants.

It was confiscated and Murphy was taken to the station for a nice fingerprinting before being released.

Why was he released, you ask. He was let go while police await the results of testing on his pants wax. Police say charges are pending.