There Is A WiFi Hair Brush Because The World Is Kind Of Garbage

It’s not the stupidest unnecessarily smart gadget I’ve ever seen (I think that honour goes to these socks), but the Hair Coach is way up there.

Yes, it is a hair brush. A hair brush with sensors in it. A hair brush that has it’s own app. A hair brush that communicates through Bluetooth. And WiFi. And it can give you personalized advice from experts. And somebody please kill me.

Experience the world’s first smart hairbrush that empowers you to track and improve hair health over time. This product results from a collaboration between Kérastase and L’Oréal, who bring worldwide hair expertise, and Nokia, which brings state of the art sensors and app connectivity to everyday products. The resulting innovation is a brush that syncs seamlessly to your smartphone to provide valuable insights that can help revolutionize the home beauty routine.

Hair health analysis
Dryness
Follow hair elasticity and learn how to avoid dry hair
Damage
Measure cuticle damage to help ensure moisture retention
Tangling
Optimize sebum distribution and avoid tangles
Force & rhythm
Get insight into how to avoid damaging hair
Gesture analysis
Understand and improve brushing habits
Stroke count
Detailed information on how use impacts hair quality

All you have to do is brush your hair — Hair Coach does the rest
Designed for optimal care and ease of use
With a sleek, lightweight handle and a high density of professional-grade boar & nylon bristles, Hair Coach provides an ideal brushing experience while taking the best possible care of your hair.
Seamless synchronization with the app
The brush detects when it is being used and begins data collection automatically. As soon as you complete your brushing session, all data will be sent automatically to your phone via Bluetooth® Low Energy or Wi-Fi.
A complete hair diagnosis without leaving home
Get an instant assessment of your hair health daily
Create a personalized care routine and get curated tips from Kérastase
Follow your hair health progress over time

It was set to begin shipping in the Fall of 2017, but as I sit here in December that timeline is still listed on the website, so I can only assume it hasn’t. Not that any of you really care when it ships, because you’re all too smart to buy one. Right? Right?

There’s A Body Scanner? What A Bummer

This, essentially, is your standard, garden variety get yourself arrested so that you can smuggle things to a buddy on the inside via your inside story, and I wouldn’t even be posting it were it not for some of the items in question. Marijuana? Fine. Tobacco? Ok. A couple of knives? Woe woe woe hang on a second!

But Piper hadn’t anticipated the body scanner, standard procedure for new inmates. He refused to be scanned.
Suspecting Piper had contraband in his body, staff took him to a segregation cell with no running water so nothing could be flushed.
At the same time, Piper demanded to be put in a cell with his sister’s boyfriend. Guards declined. “It’s not a hotel room,” Nolan said.

Later, a guard saw Piper holding something and confronted him. He dropped a three-inch ceramic knife.
That’s when he confessed that he intentionally got arrested so he could bring contraband to his sister’s boyfriend. He said his sister told him her boyfriend would electronically transfer $2,000. He now agreed to be scanned.
“The body scan revealed Mr. Piper still had contraband in his body,” Nolan said. “He was placed in a cell and directed to produce the contents.”
He produced the contraband, including packets of pot that weighed a total of 71 grams.

I realize that it’s sort of a no-win situation an that the kind of person who agrees to potentially stab additional holes in his ass for 2 grand probably isn’t the clearest thinker, but when presented with the choice of the body scanner or the certain doom of your operation because you’re being weird about the body scanner, wouldn’t it make more sense to take your chances with the body scanner? No automated security procedure is absolutely perfect, so it’s possible that it might fail to detect the payload. If it does, you’re golden. Or maybe you’re brown. Whichever colour you prefer, you’ve got it made once you figure out how to get your cargo from you to your customer. And even if the scanner does nab you, at least you gave it your best try and can be proud that you were cool under pressure. immense, gut busting pressure.

And A Huge Interception By The Local Constabulary

The Grey Cup is fantastic. It’s a big, fun, important Canadian event that many of us will stop what we’re doing to watch. But that’s not always the best idea. Sometimes you really should finish off whatever you’re up to before you settle in to enjoy the game. Like let’s say you’re in the midst of robbing the city and driving around in one of its trucks. That is not at all a good time to take a beer and football break.

“What do you know, Steve? You’ve never stolen anything. Who are you to tell us how to structure our day?”

Fine. You’ve got me there. But I have a feeling there might be a couple of guys who will encourage you to trust me on this one.

Police say officers were called about a break and enter at the Glanbrook Township Roads department at 2111 Binbrook Rd. around 7:30 p.m. The two men smashed out a window and stole tools from the stockroom, police said in a news release, and then took off in a stolen City of Hamilton truck.
Police then tracked down the vehicle at the Checkered Flag Bar and Grill in Mount Hope. Officers went inside and found the two men — one of whom had the keys to the truck inside his pocket, police say.
“They just went inside and watched the game,” said Const. Lorraine Edwards.

The pair has been charged with breaking and entering, possession of burglary tools and possession of stolen property worth over $5,000. It is not known whether the next set of bars they visited was showing the game.

Film Him Right In The Pokey

Listen, guys. You know how some of you enjoy yelling “fuck her right in the pussy” at female news reporters in the hopes that you’ll get on TV and impress all your buddies and maybe even become internet famous for 30 or 40 seconds or whatever the fuck? It’s not funny. Ever. It is, as has been pointed out many times, sexual harassment. Also, it is just plain dumb. If you do it, you are dumb. You may not be quite as dumb as the gentleman who did it outside of a police station during an interview with a police officer, but you are still dumb. Dumb enough that I’ll bet right now you are killing whatever brain cells are somehow managing to keep you alive as you slap your forehead in frustration because you didn’t think of being that dumb first.

Hamilton police have arrested a man for causing a disturbance after a CHCH news reporter was sexually harassed on the job for the third time this week.
Reporter Britt Dixon was interviewing an officer outside the Hamilton police central station Friday when a truck drove by with its windows down and a person yelled, “f– k her right in the p—y.”
“I was like what? Again? In front of a police officer?” Dixon said.
The truck parked outside the station and the officer went over to it, Dixon said. When the man who yelled at her walked by to go into the station, she said he asked him why he did it, to which he replied “because everyone in the States does it.”

The man who yelled at Dixon outside the station is in custody, Const. Jerome Stewart said Friday evening.
“The Hamilton Police Service will continue to investigate this incident,” he said.

For some reason, Dixon decided not to press charges, but since the incident was witnessed by police, they were pressed anyway. The man’s name was not released, but he is believed to be 24-year-old Dummy Dumbledunce of Maryland, which is a slightly less dumb place since he left.

“Stop! Police!” They Said In Unison

At this time, let us pause and show our appreciation for the police of Detroit, Michigan. A more dedicated, diligent and well organized group of men and women you shall never find. They will, without hesitation, go to any lengths necessary to remove criminals and the horrible, life-ruining wares they peddle from the streets of their fair city. Indeed, they will stop at nothing to ensure that their job is done and done well, even if it means damn near killing each other.

Police from the department’s 11th precinct had planned to conduct the raid of house in their region on Nov. 8 that was suspected of being used to sell drugs.
Unaware of an undercover operation carried out in the home by 12th precinct cops, the armed officers conducting the raid moved in.
The uniformed officers confronted a pair of men a few doors down from the home at the centre of the raid. Those men, who were actually undercover police from the 12th precinct, were forced to the ground and a shotgun was pointed at them.

That’s when police acted on their search warrant and raided the home, confronting several officers inside the home.
The video captured several officer pushing and shoving. “Don’t put your hand on your guns,” one officer can be heard saying on the video.
“At one point during this situation, one officer grabbed another,” Chief Craig said, adding that’s when punches began to fly.

Unlike in 1986 A.K.A. the last time this happened, nobody was killed. the worst to come out of this incident was one officer with a black eye, another with some damage to his mouth, a reassigned supervisor and a seriously wounded reputation.

“This is probably one of the most embarrassing things I’ve seen in this department,” Chief James Craig said during a news conference. “In fact, it’s probably one of the most disappointing things I’ve experienced in my entire 40-year career.”

Is it me, or do those probablies make you wonder what else he’s seen that may not have come out yet?

At Least His Backpack Was Bright

When you bring a change of clothes with you to an armed robbery, that’s called thinking ahead. when you bring a Pokemon backpack with you to an armed robbery, that’s called dumb. And weird. Definitely weird. Like seriously, you’re a grown-up, man. What the shit?

Funzail Woods was arrested after using an ax as a weapon at the Target store on Piedmont Road in Buckhead, according to police. Investigators said the man walked over to the electronics section

“Where he took a cell phone out of a package and proceeded to put it in his pocket. When he was approached by the manager, he actually presented an ax. The manager, of course, backed off,” said Officer Lisa Bender, Atlanta Police Department.

Woods then ran out the store. The 911 alert went out to Zone 2 officers. By then, Woods had changed his shirt.

“But he didn’t change his backpack. So, I think that’s what got him,” said Officer Bender. “The man took off running when he saw police. And he did have a Pokémon backpack, so those are normally a bright color and typically easy to spot.”

Hang On, Man. I’m About To Catch A Train


If I live another hundred years, I will still never understand how it is that a person can get himself so distracted that he fails to notice something the size of, the sound of and the feel of a fucking train.

People often try when we publish one of these stories, but there is literally no way to make a valid excuse for this. I don’t want to hear later that he doesn’t see well or that he doesn’t hear well. That only makes things worse because when you’re at a disadvantage, you need to use everything you do have to its fullest. And besides, it’s a train. They should be impossible to miss. Pay the fuck attention. It’s not rocket science. Its not even engineering. Yes, I did that on purpose. You may have even chuckled at it, assuming you weren’t distracted by something shiny.

The man was riding his bike east on a West Steele Lane sidewalk as the southbound train approached, lowering the gate at the rail crossing and activating warning bells and lights, said Lynnette Cowsert, who witnessed the 3:55 p.m. accident.

“The (gates) were down, and I thought he was going to stop,” said Cowsert, who was stopped at the crossing. “Ding, ding, ding, and I hear the train. And the next thing I see is him rolling under the train, and his bicycle is under the front of the train.”
The man was wearing earphones and talking on his cellphone, and apparently did not notice the oncoming train or the lowered gates, police said in a statement. He was thrown 20 to 30 feet across West Steele Lane, police said. His bicycle was lodged under the right front train wheel.
Cowsert said the cyclist did not appear to be wearing a helmet.

Of course he wasn’t, not that it would have been covering anything of much value.

The unidentified 19-year-old was taken to hospital with injuries that were described as “not immediately life-threatening,” which I believe means “keep it up, idiot” in we have to be as nice as possible while writing this statement language.

Files Not Found

I hate to kick people while they’re down (that’s a lie), but this right here, as dumb things go, is way the fuck up there.

When deadly flames incinerated hundreds of homes in Santa Rosa’s Fountaingrove neighborhood earlier this month, they also destroyed irreplaceable papers and correspondence held nearby and once belonging to the founders of Silicon Valley’s first technology company, Hewlett-Packard.
The Tubbs fire consumed the collected archives of William Hewlett and David Packard, the tech pioneers who in 1938 formed an electronics company in a Palo Alto garage with $538 in cash.
More than 100 boxes of the two men’s writings, correspondence, speeches and other items were contained in one of two modular buildings that burned to the ground at the Fountaingrove headquarters of Keysight Technologies. Keysight, the world’s largest electronics measurement company, traces its roots to HP and acquired the archives in 2014 when its business was split from Agilent Technologies — itself an HP spinoff.
The Hewlett and Packard collections had been appraised in 2005 at nearly $2 million and were part of a wider company archive valued at $3.3 million. However, those acquainted with the archives and the pioneering company’s impact on the technology world said the losses can’t be represented by a dollar figure.

This is dumb not only because modular building is often little more than a fancy term for shed and any idiot knows (or so I thought) that a shed is no place to store millions of dollars worth of irreplaceable documentation, but also because the whole thing was entirely preventable. In fact I have a pretty good feeling HP itself might’ve had just the solution.

Even the newspaper seems to want to rub it in. Why else would this story have been assigned to one Robert Digitale?

My Baby Is Missing! And I’m Not Sure Where My Daughter Is, Either

Police in Ohio have arrested a woman for only being half right when she called them to report that her car had been stolen with one of her children inside.

Authorities say the mother told police she had her car running in front of her home on North 4th Street and her daughter Janylia was sleeping in the backseat.

When she returned into her home to get her additional children, the car was stolen.
Officers responded to the area and were able to find the vehicle roughly a mile away but no child was inside.

An unfortunate mix-up, but an arrest-worthy one? Clearly she must have been panicking. Wouldn’t we all be panicking?

Investigators were able to determine the child was never in the car. Janylia’s aunt told police she was with the girl Sunday night through Monday morning.

Well. Um. Perhaps that changes things a little. But who among us hasn’t been on the wrong end of a bad case of the forgetfuls at least once? A little understanding goes a long way, you guys.

Pickett told investigators she told police her child was in the vehicle so it would be found faster.

Alright alright alright. You win, police department.

Columbus Police provides update on investigation into Monday morning's Amber Alert, missing girl report | LATEST INFO: https://bit.ly/2jLM9yA

Posted by 10TV – WBNS on Monday, January 30, 2017

Jessica Pickett has been charged with falsification in connection with the Amber Alert triggering incident. Daughter Janylia (whose last name is Fails so that should set her up well for the future when combined with mom’s judgment) and two other children were removed from her home and placed in protective custody.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Draws In Their Eye

When I heard about this woman and her eyeball tattoo gone wrong, all I could think of was this really old post.

I guess this woman is really into body modification, i.e. adding and subtracting things from her body just for fun. She’s even had her tongue surgically split. Yeesh! So she thought tattooing the sclera of her eyeball was the next big thing she should try.

The problem was she didn’t realize how risky it would be, and that not everybody should be allowed near her eyeball with a needle. Allow this sentence to run through your head for a moment.

It was deduced that the artist had made a series of mistakes, including over-injecting her eye, failing to dilute the ink with saline, using a needle that was too big and going too deep into the eye.

Those are some big mistakes that could prove rather costly. At best, she could have vision problems for the rest of her life. At worst, they might have to remove the eye because the ink could start an inexorable march toward her brain. Yeah, this sounds like a good idea!

*shiver*. There are people who need injections in their eyes for medical reasons. I cannot understand why someone would voluntarily go for them just to make their eyes look different or something. And, if you did, for the love of Pete, pick someone who knows what they’re doing!

Every time I write one of these, there’s a tiny voice that wonders if some day I’ll do something that warrants one of these posts to be written about me. I guess if it happens, I’ll deserve it. Until then, I’ll shiver at the thought of what people will do to their bodies just for looks. Eek.