If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Sure They Aren’t A Dish Soap Ingredient Before You Go Making That Lemonade

And now, a reminder that we can’t blame modern technology and cable news for all of the world’s ills because people have always been kind of dumb.

In 1982, the Maryland Poison Center reported almost 80 cases of people who had suffered nausea and diarrhea after drinking Sunlight dishwashing liquid. They had received free bottles of the stuff in the mail as part of a promotional campaign. The source of the confusion was a picture of lemons on the label as well as the phrase “with real lemon juice.” This led many to conclude that the bottle contained some kind of lemonade. Or a lemon-flavored drink mixer. A lot of people added it to iced tea.

A spokesman for Lever Brothers, the manufacturer of the product, noted that the bottles also clearly said, “Sunlight dishwashing liquid.”

Sunlight no longer uses the phrase “with real lemon juice.” Apparently they learned their lesson. But they’ve still got a picture of a lemon on their bottles.

If you can even believe such a thing, Weird Universe was able to dig up newspaper columns from the time that tried to defend these people. Come for this happened to a friend of mine even though she can read very well, stay for the woman who ruined a family dinner by seasoning 24 pieces of chicken with dish soap that the mailman had left by the front door that day.

I don’t know what astounds me more, to be honest. That people were so readily slugging down fucking Sunlight because it might be juice or that they would write letters to the newspaper to admit it. But I do know what wouldn’t astound me. If one of these people ended up being the one who went on to sue because Crunchberries aren’t fruit.

This New Mexico You Speak Of. It Doesn’t Seem As Spanish As The Old One

The bad news: More public officials are having trouble figuring out what qualifies as America.

The good news: At least it wasn’t the TSA this time.

You know you are from flyover country when you are applying for a marriage license, give them your New Mexico driver's…

Posted by Gavin Clarkson on Tuesday, November 20, 2018

The La Cruces Sun-News reports Gavin Clarkson, who lives in Las Cruces, and his fiancee attempted to apply for a marriage license at a D.C. license bureau on Nov. 20.
Clarkson said the clerk, however, wouldn’t accept his New Mexico driver’s license, believing he was a foreign citizen. The clerk allegedly said he would have to provide an international passport to get the license.
“She thought New Mexico was a foreign country,” he told the La Cruces Sun News. “All the couples behind us waiting in line were laughing.”

Here’s the text of that Facebook post in case it ever gets taken down, because the part where she complimented his English as if he were a Mexican Mexican must be preserved.

“You know you are from flyover country when you are applying for a marriage license, give them your New Mexico driver’s license, and they come back and say “my supervisor says we cannot accept international driver’s licenses. Do you have a New Mexico passport?” They went back to a supervisor to check if New Mexico was a state … TWICE!
The new Mrs. Clarkson thinks that the most hilarious part was when the clerk complemented me on my English. (For those that don’t know, Marina immigrated from Argentina in 1994 and became a US citizen fourteen years later).”

And yes, I did notice that the confused people were in D.C., and yes, I did laugh about it. You’d figure they’d be extra careful about that sort of thing considering they’ve been on the wrong end of it at least twice now.

He Was Then Packed Off To Jail

When you hear the word ballsy, you probably think of something heroic or crazy, like running into a burning building to save someone’s life or jumping out of a perfectly good airplane for no practical reason. But when I hear the word ballsy, I think of things like this fellow in Guelph who brought a suitcase on a shoplifting expedition to a store he’d already been thrown out of at least once.

On Nov. 28, 2018 at approximately 10:34 p.m, Guelph Police were called to a business on Woodlawn Road in regard to a shoplifter.
It was learned that the male had brought his own suitcase to the business and had filled it with two drones, cold medicine, camping equipment, and some beverages. The male was confronted in the store by police as he was on conditions not to be in the business from previous charges.
As a result, a 26-year-old Guelph male was arrested for theft under $5,000, breaching his recognizance, and two counts of breaching his probation.
The male is scheduled to appear in court on Nov. 29, 2018.

Once We Fix This Baby Thing, We’re Going To Tackle The Wetness Of Water

Things move so fast anymore that I missed this at the time, but there’s no way I’m passing it up even if it’s already ancient history.

nine months whaaaaa

Yes, he actually said this.

Posted by UPROXX News on Friday, January 19, 2018

Yes, that is the President of the United States explaining in a speech that right now, all over the country, babies are being born in the ninth month of a pregnancy and that this needs to be changed because it’s just plain wrong.

It’s thought that he may have misspoken and meant to say “torn” as a reference to late-term abortions, but come on. Have you seen this guy? It wouldn’t surprise me for a moment if he legit had no idea that he said a stupid thing. I would be even more sad than this whole leadership situation has already made me, but not at all surprised.

Well Hey, At Least He Stopped Crying

And this is why we have a parents of the year tag.

Six-year-old Florida boy Ryker Roque has died of rabies after being scratched by a bat infected with the disease.

Who the heck dies of rabies in the United States in 2018, you might be wondering. Well, that would be six-year-olds whose parents don’t take them in for treatment right away like they’re supposed to because the prospect of having to get needles made the kid cry.

Father Henry Roque said he had found a sick bat, put it in a bucket and told his son not to touch it, but he did and was scratched. 
He said he washed the wound thoroughly but didn’t take the boy to the hospital because he cried when he was told he would get shots.
About a week later, the boy developed numb fingers and a headache and his parents took him for hospital treatment.

Maybe the “the family has suffered enough” argument applies here, but this seems like the kind of thing that should maybe get you charged with something, no?

Assault And Vinegar

What goes better with dip than chips?

A South Carolina man turned violent in a dispute over salt-and-vinegar potato chips, authorities said.
Ryan Dean Langdale, 19, had warned his 17-year-old cousin not to eat his chips, but when his relative did, Langdale shot him, authorities said Wednesday.
“Do not touch my chips, or I’ll shoot you,” the cousin said Langdale had warned him, the Post and Courier of Charleston reported.

The charges of attempted murder and using a firearm in a violent crime that Langdale was going to be facing anyway would have been bad enough, but he managed to compound his stupidity and tack on one for obstruction of justice by tampering with the crime scene and trying to claim that the shooting was the result of a self-inflicted cleaning it and it went off accident.

Maybe he was cleaning out all the chip dust?

Social Security, Maximum Security, What’s The Difference

I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’ve found something even dumber than having your own name tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. That something? Having your Social Security number tattooed on yourself whilst being a criminal. At least with your name, there’s a chance the police might be thrown off your trail for a minute or two by the albeit slim possibility that there might be two Bob Smiths in red shirts out knocking over variety stores on a Tuesday. But your Social? That’s you, dude.

It doesn’t take much sleuthing to identify this suspect after he commits a crime, according to police in Houston, Texas.
That’s because Robert Charles Wooten, 40, has what a December 2017 police report described as “distinctive tattoos” on has face.
And “distinctive” is a polite way to describe it. After all, what could be more distinct than a person’s one-of-a-kind Social Security number?
“They’re calling this guy ‘Social Security’ because he actually has his Social Security (number) tattooed across his forehead,” Houston police investigator Frank Heenan told KPRC.

Most recently, that self-identifying tattoo inked onto his face placed Wooten at the scene of a string of at least three armed robberies in Houston late last year, according to Harris County court filings.

Wooten is no stranger to law enforcement, if Harris County court records are any indication.

In July 2017, Wooten was caught exposing his genitals to someone against their will and was charged with indecent exposure. Wooten pleaded guilty.
Beyond that incident, Wooten has been charged with everything from theft to trespassing to violating protective orders to drug crimes, according to Harris County Court records.
“He’s notorious,” Heenan told KPRC, particularly in a handful of Houston neighborhoods.

Oh, and a big thank you to the police for explaining why they’re calling him Social Security down at the station. That’s some pretty high concept nicknaming that I don’t think most of us would have understood otherwise.

With Friends Like These…

Update:
There’s a less than zero chance that the tweet cited in this post came from a fake account. My apologies for not catching that if that is indeed the case, although I’m far from the only one who bought it.

This, however, does not change the main point of what I wrote. What this guy did, tweet or no tweet, was still incredibly stupid.

Original Post:
Regardless of which side of the abortion debate you’re on, I hope we can all come together and agree that our boy Jordan Hunt here is a god damned idiot.

“I meant to kick your phone”?

Come on, man. You’re the one saying that a person should be in charge of her own body and future. You’re supposed to be the smart one here, especially when compared with the what if a rape victim kills her 3-year-old argument that this woman was making. Do better, please.

And lest you think he said a stupid thing in the heat of the moment and immediately thought better of it…

In case he ever does wise up and deletes that, it says “For all wondering, i did not mean to kick her, i only meant to kick the phone out of her hand. but you haters don’t care about the truth. smh”

Don’t care about the truth, you say? What truth don’t we care about, Jordan? That you’re giving the anti-choice crowd, the ones who like to stand outside of abortion clinics so they can scream horrible abuse at women who are making one of the hardest decisions of their lives, ammunition to paint the rest of us as violent, extremist morons? As a reasonable person, I absolutely care about that.

Investigators told CP24 that the incident occurred on the afternoon of Sept. 30, at the intersection of Bloor Street West and Keele Street in the Toronto’s west end.
In the video – that has since gone viral on YouTube – a man in a purple hooded sweater with a flower behind his ear is seen confronting a group of mostly female anti-abortionist activists holding signs on the sidewalk. He asks the woman filming him about her opinion of impregnated rape victims choosing abortion.

“If somebody gets raped by somebody and they’re like ‘I’m a 16-year-old and I can’t have this baby’ think you should keep it?” he asks her.
“It’s a baby,” the woman behind the camera is heard responding.
As she starts to further explain her position, the man in the purple sweater sticks out his tongue and kicks her. The camera then loses focus.
In the background, voices can be heard shouting to call the police while the man says he meant to “kick her phone.”

Police say they’re investigating, but no charges have been filed yet.

Put The Money In The Bag. Sure, But Put Your License Through The Machine

Photo of David Menser
David Menser, one of the smarter dumber people you’ll see today.

This is normally where I’d call David Menser an imbecile, but honestly, he might just be an average guy. Why? Because on the one hand he was smart enough to remove the dye pack from the stack of money he got from the bank teller he was robbing, but on the other, that ended up being the same teller who got him to hand over his driver’s license when he demanded even more cash a few seconds later. Those two events cancel each other out and prevent him from leaning too far in either direction, I think. Pretty sure that’s math or physics or something.

During a robbery on June 4 at the Huntington Bank on 1880 Hilliard Rome Road, the Sheriff’s Office says Menser was tricked into giving the teller his drivers’ license.
According to court documents, Menser approached the counter and presented a demand note for money that said, “I have a gun.” The teller gave Menser money and a dye pack. Menser took the money and put the dye pack back on the counter. 
Documents say Menser then told the teller he wanted more money. The teller told him a driver’s license was required to use the machine to get our more cash. Menser reportedly then gave the teller his license to swipe through the machine and then the bank with the additional cash.

Those typos aren’t mine, by the way. They belong to real news people who should be ashamed of themselves.

Anywho, Menser was arrested, and is now a suspect in three other area bank robberies. That, I argue, proves my earlier theory about him possibly not being a total maroon. He does seem like the go big or go home type, though.

They Should Have Sett It Up To Play Hit The Road Jack


Hey guys, what if we built rumble strips into this here road so that whenever somebody drives on it their tires will make it play a song?

It should have taken 20, maybe 30 seconds of thought tops after the chuckles and the I wonder how easy it would bes died down to figure out that even though it might sound kind of fun on paper, long term, a singing road is a terrible, terrible idea. But apparently people just don’t have time for that kind of brain investment. There are, after all, roads to build.

Created by strategically laid “rumble strips” as a way of livening up journeys across the flat landscape, the novelty has worn thin for locals who say the constant droning melody is driving them mad.
The tune is created when car tyres drive over the strips — which are usually deployed at the side of major roads to warn drivers they are straying off course.
If hit at the correct speed — the 60kph limit — the road will sing out the anthem of the Friesland region, a northern part of the Netherlands that has a distinct language and culture.

“Last Saturday night the taxis were driving from Leeuwarden to Stiens, and on the way back they tried to go across the lines as quickly as possible and we had the anthem played all night at high speed,” local resident Ria Jansma said.

Thankfully somebody did finally have an ah ha moment after the almost immediate backlash, and the strips, which are reported to have cost nearly $100,000, have since been removed.