Coming Soon: The Who Has The Coolest Skin Graft Challenge!

Yeah yeah yeah rhetorical question blah blah blah, but what in the fuck is the matter with people?

Hey kids, I’ve got a great idea! How’s about we boil up a big bunch of water, go outside in the freezing cold and then toss it up in the air? And when that’s done, daddy’s gonna pile us all in the ambulance and we’ll head on down to the burn unit! Whatdaya say!?

The “boiling water challenge” consisted of tossing boiling water into the air in the subzero temperatures of last week’s polar vortex. When it worked, the water almost instantly turned into vapor and drifted away from you.

Note that it says “when it worked.” When it didn’t, what a sensible person would expect to happen happened, and hospitals such as the Loyola Medicine Burn Center ended up earning their money because 8 of these numbskulls ranging in age from 3 to 53 had to come in for repairs.

“We strongly warn people to not perform the boiling water challenge,” Loyola burn surgeon Dr. Arthur Sanford said while trying his best not to put his fist/foot/head through something/someone. “There is no safe way to do it,” he then added between anguished sobs for humanity.

So He Won?

Police: Man found dead in vacant Detroit building was playing hide-and-seek with friends

According to officials with the Detroit Police Department, the man, whose identity has not been released, was with a group of friends suspected of trespassing between midnight and 1:30 a.m. when they played the game on the ninth floor of the building on Detroit’s east side. Police said the man was running to hide and possibly fell through the elevator shaft.
The group of friends could not find him and left the building, police said. They returned later Saturday morning and found the victim’s body on the first floor in the elevator shaft, covered in debris.

Arrest Your Elders

If you’re going to rob a hotel, maybe don’t use its own sheets as your disguise. And maybe don’t book a room there under your own name. And hiding in that room after the fact and expecting not to be discovered? You should maybe forget about that, too.

Joseph Elder, 59, of Wayne, New Jersey, got into the lobby of the Ramada Inn on Route 46 through a now-shuttered adjacent restaurant wearing the sheet around 11:30 p.m. on Dec. 29, the Wayne Police Department said.
After Elder entered the lobby, he allegedly jumped over the hotel desk counter, pried open a cash drawer and stole an unspecified amount of money before fleeing through the restaurant, police said.
“… [Elder] attempted to conceal his identity with a Casper the ghost style bed sheet with holes cut out,” the department said.

Officers searching the area after the robbery learned that Elder was actually staying in a room at the hotel, according to police.

He’s been charged with a count each of burglary and theft.

Don’t Hurt Yourself…ie

That title is awful. I know. It’s the best I had.

Sometimes the perfect selfie is the one you don’t take. The one with you and the speeding train that’s headed right for you, for instance.

The 21-second-long video was shared thousands of times on Facebook on Wednesday. In it, Mr Siva is seen standing in the foreground as an MMTS train approaches.
There is an audible warning from a person nearby and a repeated horn blaring from the train. Mr Siva does not move and continues filming, saying “one minute”.
The train strikes him on the right side of his head and body and the phone falls to the ground.
Taking a video while standing in front of a fast-approaching train is a deadly trend in India.
In October 2017 three teenagers were run over by a train while trying to take a selfie in Karnataka state, and two teenagers were killed while taking selfies on railway tracks in Delhi.

Why is this a trend? According to the BBC, experts they spoke to say that in India, posing next to or on train tracks with a best friend is considered romantic and a sign of everlasting friendship. Maybe our western tendency to spend several house payments on shiny rocks so that people know we love them isn’t quite as silly as I’ve always thought.

As for Siva, he survived but suffered head injuries (are we sure those weren’t preexisting joke goes here). He was convicted of trespassing and fined 500 rupees, which works out to around 9 bucks Canadian. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but given the state of things there’s a good chance he’ll feel it. Whether he’ll feel it more or less than he felt the train is the big question.

Hope I Can cut This Lock Before They Lock Me Up

You know, I could really use a new bike. But man, they sure are pricey. Maybe I’d be better off stealing one. Like that one over there by the police station. It looks nice.

Bike Theft

Suspect arrested for attempting to steal a bike…From the PD!!!! SGT Okerman arrested the suspect after confronting him with a Taser. Video of the encounter below.

Posted by Gladstone Police Department on Monday, December 31, 2018

A man was arrested last week after allegedly trying to steal a bicycle from in front of the Gladstone Police Department in Oregon.
Cops posted surveillance footage of the apparent theft attempt. An individual wearing a dark colored hoodie and apparent face covering walked up to the station with what seemed to be bolt cutters. He began working on it, but not even a minute passed before a cop stepped outside and confronted him.
The officer ordered him against the wall, pulled out a taser, commanded him to get on the ground, and handcuffed the individual. A female cop later ran out to assist the arrest. The two were then joined by a male officer.
The time stamp is dated Thursday, just before 6:30 p.m.

Adam Valle, 26, has been charged with theft, criminal mischief, and felon in possession of a weapon.

Save Money, Deliver Yourself To The Police Station

These stories almost aren’t weird anymore, but since I’m not sure we’re quite there yet…

After police confronted him because it seemed an awful lot like he was about to leave a Walmart without paying for $125 worth of stuff that he had stashed in a backpack, 24-year-old Jeremy Roberts proved them right, taking off running instead of hanging around for a chat. A shot from a Taser didn’t slow him down, but thankfully police had some help on that front in the form of Roberts himself.

While fleeing, Roberts decided to duck into a nearby building in an attempt to lose his pursuers. The building he picked to hide in? CPD District 3’s station.
Upon Roberts arrival, he was greeted by “numerous” officers who quickly placed him in custody.
Roberts is charged with Theft and Obstructing Official Business.

A couple of things:

  1. Police are calling his escape route a “tactical error.” That’s your understatement of the week so far.
  2. Is there a definition of obstruction I’m unaware of?

    block (an opening, path, road, etc.); be or get in the way of.

    prevent or hinder (movement or someone or something in motion).

    deliberately make (something) difficult.

    Seems to me they should be charging him with assisting.

Thanks For The Ride. What Did You Say You Did For A Living? Uh-oh…

For all of the careful planning that can sometimes go into them, prison escapes themselves are necessarily a pretty rushed act. So although you almost can’t fault Allen Lewis for the way his turned out, he’s still worth pointing and laughing at because come on, man.

Allen Lewis, 31, had run away when being moved from Greenup County Detention Center in Kentucky, to face charges in a different county.
Lewis complained to the transport officer that his handcuffs hurt, so the officer pulled over to fix them.
When one cuff was released, a struggle ensued and Lewis fled on foot.
While the prison mounted a search operation, the escapee made it to a nearby highway and tried to flag down a lift.
Unfortunately for him, the person who stopped was a campus police officer at the local Morehead State University. The handcuffs dangling from one of Lewis’s wrists proved a rather obvious giveaway.

He’s now facing an escape charge along with the rest of his troubles.

Nice To Meet You, Bigfoot. I’m Smallbrain

Some doubts have been raised about whether or not this story is true even though two separate people have reported similar experiences, but to my ear it sounds completely believable. It’s equally believable that somebody would make it up for a few minutes of media fame, but for now let’s go with it.

A Montana man who was out target shooting became a target himself when another shooter unloaded a barrage of gunfire on him after mistaking him for Bigfoot, authorities said.
The 27-year-old shooter told authorities that he was putting up targets outside Helena on Sunday when bullets started flying toward him, Lewis and Clark County Sheriff Leo Dutton said, according to the Idaho Statesman.
One round came within three feet of the victim and another whizzed by even closer, he told police. The man said he ran behind nearby trees for cover and eventually confronted the shooter, who was driving a Ford F-150 pickup truck.

“I thought you were Bigfoot,” the victim says the shooter told him, according to Dutton. “I don’t target practice — but if I see something that looks like Bigfoot, I just shoot at it.”
Once the man assured the gunman that he wasn’t Bigfoot – an ape-like creature said to inhabit wooded areas in the Northwest – the shooter advised him to wear an orange vest in the future.

Take This Whiskey, Mr. President. It’s Great Whiskey. The Best Whiskey

I can’t say I fully understand the thought process here because Trump has said many times that he doesn’t drink, but the wife bit does make some sense. He has had three of them, after all. Clearly he knows something about the subject. Then again I’m sure being a pretend billionaire/successful businessman probably had a hand in helping that along, so this trip really does seem like a whole lot of trouble for zero return on investment.

Fox News is reporting that on Wednesday a Canadian man was arrested on suspicion of moving White House security barriers. 
According to authorities, Yianny Georgopoulos said he wanted to deliver two bottles of Crown Royal whiskey to President Trump and solicit advice on how to find a wife. 
Authorities said Georgopoulos moved a bike rack that had posted warnings that the area was off limits after midnight.  
Authorities said he reportedly exited the area after several commands to do so by the Secret Service.

He was charged with unlawful entry, which apparently isn’t his first run-in with the law. He also told police that he had recently been arrested for stalking one of his cousins and threatening other family members. That arrest had nothing to do with the morning White House wife search, I hope.